FLICK'N'BEANS

EP 74: Paul Blart, Mall | Cop Pie Heals the Cracks in My Heart

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Good Morning!!!!

This week it's Mall Movies!

Mallrats (1995) teaches us all about Magic Eye Posters and Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009) shows us the power of Pixie Sticks!


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Bridget:

Foreign.

Wendy:

Good morning.

Bridget:

I'm Bridget.

Wendy:

And I'm Wendy.

Bridget:

And this is Thick and Beans. Back to Basics. Seven Brew.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

I got you the sweet and salty iced. I got the sweet and salty. Hot.

Wendy:

Oh, how is it hot?

Bridget:

It's delicious.

Wendy:

Yeah, it might be better. Oh, it's so creamy.

Bridget:

Do you want to sit?

Wendy:

That is really good.

Bridget:

Okay. It's my birthday.

Wendy:

Happy birthday.

Bridget:

It's not gonna be my birthday.

Wendy:

When this airs.

Bridget:

When this air no longer. Double nickels.

Wendy:

Double. Double. You know what my parents call that? Double nipple.

Bridget:

Oh, okay.

Wendy:

Because it kind of looks like a b***.

Bridget:

I have those, too. I have double nipples and double nickels on my birds. I know. Okay, well, let's get on with the show.

Wendy:

Okay. Small movies. I love.

Bridget:

I figured you would love Mall Rats.

Wendy:

Because I have actually seen it.

Bridget:

I have, too.

Wendy:

It's been a long time, though.

Bridget:

I didn't. But I'm happy to discuss it.

Wendy:

Well, yeah.

Bridget:

I mean, both been in that situation. One of us likes it and one of us didn't. It's just like all those other movies. And I would say, like Chasing Amy. I do love Jay and Silent Bob. And I did love Doc. And I feel like maybe this was so early on that they were still honing their craft.

Wendy:

Yes, this is very early in the Jay and Silent Bob journey. Right. Because I think Clerks was the first. Right. The first Kevin Smith movie.

Bridget:

I had this post it note on. On my computer this morning that I scrawled pretty late at night. It's almost illegible, but it says, try to find something good to say about Mallrat.

Wendy:

That's really funny because last night I found this picture that I don't remember taking. It's my hand over a piece of notebook paper and it looks like I'm covering the top of it for some reason. I'm not really sure. And then it says on the bottom, in clearly my handwriting, oui, oui, la quesadilla.

Bridget:

What?

Wendy:

I couldn't stop laughing because I have no idea what that was like, French.

Bridget:

Or like the P?

Wendy:

I don't. How does the French spell it?

Bridget:

Oh, you.

Wendy:

No, no, like the P. Like oui, oui, oui, oui.

Bridget:

Quesadilla.

Wendy:

La Quesadilla.

Bridget:

That's your band name?

Wendy:

I have no idea. But apparently I must have thought it was really important. Note to keep. So I took a picture of it, but I have no idea. That's just like when I found that nabda. I wrote, we ain't country. We're colorful. And I still don't really? Know what? That I. Funnily enough, I always get Kevin James, which is Paul Blart of the other movie that we watched. And Kevin Smith. Confused.

Bridget:

What?

Wendy:

It's just that I can never remember which one is which because they're both Kevin with a very generic last name.

Bridget:

Oh, sure.

Wendy:

So I get them confused. But, yeah. So Kevin Smith is the director of Mallrats. Kevin James is the star of Poplar Mall Cup. Yeah. I would agree with you on the Mallrats. Like, they hadn't fully developed these characters yet. It's sort of like when we watch Change in Chong. I was like, I get it. It gets better. But the first one is kind of like. It's kind of funny.

Bridget:

Yeah. It makes me think of a film school attempt.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

Because nothing happens. All the dialogue, way too much. They're trying to show us how smart and quick they are. All this wit, but at the same time, it's too much.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

They're saying a lot without saying any.

Wendy:

Maybe there is a sense of, like, nostalgia that the mall used to be a place that you would go to hang out. It was like the social center. I. When I was a teenager, I worked Animal. Yeah. Jason Lee is kind of like the lead, and he's of My Name Is Earl fame, and I love that show. Yeah, I do, too.

Bridget:

And his buddy from My Name Is Earl is in the movie as well.

Wendy:

I like that character. Yeah.

Bridget:

Because he just couldn't get the magic eye. What's he doing?

Wendy:

Oh, well, if you stare at this poster for a few seconds, a hidden picture appears.

Bridget:

Can we do it? Please?

Wendy:

Please? All right, go ahead. But hurry, Easter Bunny's waiting.

Bridget:

Wow. It's a schooner.

Wendy:

You dumb b******. It's not a schooner.

Bridget:

It's a sailboat. A schooner is a sailboat. Stupid head. You know what? There is no Easter Bunny over there. That's just a guy in a suit.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

Thank God those aren't a thing anymore.

Wendy:

For anybody that wasn't around, those were a phenomenon, especially at the mall. I remember going and they would. Whole stores of them and. And begging my parents to go in there so that I could look at all of them.

Bridget:

Oh, my.

Wendy:

Could you see them?

Bridget:

No.

Wendy:

No, I could. Do you think we're all making it up?

Bridget:

No, it's that whole, like, you almost need to not cross your eyes, but put them. Everybody would say, relax your eyes.

Wendy:

Yeah. You put your eyes out of focus.

Bridget:

Yeah.

Wendy:

Yeah, maybe.

Bridget:

I don't remember if I saw one or not. I'm sure I was excited if I did.

Wendy:

Yeah. It Was cool. I just don't like it was cool. And then you're like, cool. I saw it.

Bridget:

You.

Wendy:

I couldn't imagine, like, buying one and keeping it in my house.

Bridget:

No, because once you see it and.

Wendy:

It'S not that cool outside of that, like, it's not pretty in another way.

Bridget:

Yeah.

Wendy:

It's just like a digital art.

Bridget:

And who wants your friends coming over and just staring at the wall?

Wendy:

They would do it the first time.

Bridget:

Yeah. Like, come over, everybody. I got a Magic Eye poster.

Wendy:

Yeah. Anyway, so, yeah, Jason Lee. There's a young Ben Affleck.

Bridget:

Shannon Doherty.

Wendy:

Shannon Doherty. Yeah. And she was like on 90210 at this time. So she was kind of a big deal. They even make a reference to it in the beginning. Her headshot. 90210 reference. And then you've got.

Bridget:

And you've got Jeremy London from Party of Five. As soon as I saw him, I was like, I have to tell Wendy this story about Jeremy London. This came out and it was so crazy. Like, his real life. He got kidnapped by a bunch of people and forced to take ecstasy and smoke meth with. At gunpoint. Right. Then they stole his car and, you know, no one believed it. He had substance abuse problems already. Turns out that it was all real.

Wendy:

Wow.

Bridget:

Can you imagine? Then he said he. After that. That after it was kind of vindicated. There was somebody that actually confessed and somebody they still have found. He was like half a dozen of people I know reached out and said that happened to them too. That won't happen here in Iowa.

Wendy:

I always don't trust a story where somebody tells you they forced you to do drugs. Who shares our drugs?

Bridget:

Exactly.

Wendy:

Or at least the fun ones. Maybe drop you a roof. Right.

Bridget:

That would have made more sense. I don't know what the point is of that. Just like all the myths, urban myths about people putting drugs in Halloween candy. Drugs are expensive. People, people.

Wendy:

They're not wasting them on your stupid kids.

Bridget:

Stupid kids. Come on.

Wendy:

Especially the. The weed. No. Why would. Absolutely not. I don't understand. Stick with the razor blade and poison every year.

Bridget:

The razor blade too.

Wendy:

That was a rumor when I was. I remember my grandmother, she was. She was always worried she was gonna get scammed. But I remember her sayings, check for razor blades in the candy. It's rap.

Bridget:

They'll even X ray candy.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

How. How is that a fun stop after trick or treating? God, things used to be so much simpler.

Wendy:

Yeah. Now a lot of parents don't really let their kids go trick or treating. Or they take trunk. Or treats are real big. So you can just go in one spot. Everybody knows each other.

Bridget:

I don't even think parents will just drop their kids off at the mall anymore. We could spend the whole day there.

Wendy:

There's no malls anymore.

Bridget:

No.

Wendy:

Yeah. The skating rink.

Bridget:

Dropping kids off at the pool means something else.

Wendy:

I used to go to the pool alone with my cousins who were not much older than me, and we'd be there all day. What else about the slutty one? Ye trying on underwear in the store while she's talking to these. She's pulling them on because Silent Bob accidentally breaks into her dressing room two times.

Bridget:

Two times.

Wendy:

So she's like this purr. Kept breaking in on me. So I'm just going to try them on out here while I'm standing in front of these two dudes talking to them. Like that's any different. But she was stealing them at first. Like she was putting them on and she's just going to walk out. But then she takes them back off and tries on three more pairs while she's talking to them.

Bridget:

Tries on underwear. That's not a thing.

Wendy:

I know it's not. And then she buys them. So at least she bought them.

Bridget:

Okay. Fun fact about trying things on.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

Shannon Doherty had it written in her contract that she gets to keep all the clothes.

Wendy:

Oh, yeah.

Bridget:

I like that in my contract.

Wendy:

I do, too. That's great. I love to hear about things that people steal from movie sets. Steal? It's sort of like an innocent theft.

Bridget:

It's like a souvenir. Yeah.

Wendy:

The Wicked girl. They were talking about what they stole from the Wicked set.

Bridget:

It's not a movie that I need to ever watch.

Wendy:

It had a few funny little lines, but I get what you're saying. Nothing really happens.

Bridget:

You know, they were gonna have Seth Green play Jay. Even though Jay and Silent Bob are already hetero life partners. They made him aud.

Wendy:

They're besties. And that's cute. I love that.

Bridget:

And these are all like comic book characters.

Wendy:

Yeah. That's kind of an underlying theme, is that Jason Lee's character wants to get into trading comic books. He's a nerd. He cares more about his video games and comics than his girlfriend, which, I mean, fair. I think that's a common. Maybe even more common now that video games.

Bridget:

Oh, my God. Yes.

Wendy:

I've never really dated someone that played video games, but I could see where it would be annoying how. How much, you know, you spend hours doing it and it's not something you can really do together. You could, I guess. There's some games you.

Bridget:

But I'm glad I haven't dated anyone who plays video games or watches a lot of football.

Wendy:

Yeah. Really into sports. That would be annoying, too. Yeah, a little. A little sports here and there is fine, but go to your friend's house. Yeah, yeah.

Bridget:

Why do you like this movie?

Wendy:

Maybe I liked all the, like, over unnecessary witty talking. I'm a big fan of Jason Lee, too, although he's not very likable in this. Yeah, I think it's nostalgia. That's it. It's like thinking about the mall and all these people that. That are now, you know, big stars, and they weren't at this time. Did anybody know who Ben affle like was at this time? Because this was before Good Will Hunting was kind of where I think blew up.

Bridget:

How do you like them apples?

Wendy:

Where's Matt? He was not. And now he's Jason Bourne.

Bridget:

Stuck on you is my favorite Matt Damon role. You know that?

Wendy:

I do know that.

Bridget:

Well, do you want to talk about the second movie?

Wendy:

Yes.

Bridget:

Paul Blart, Mall Cup.

Wendy:

I had seen this before, too, but I do not remember very much about it. And I really liked it.

Bridget:

It's so charming.

Wendy:

It is. Well, I love Kevin. He is like one of the physical comedians, especially in this. Gosh, he's a big dude, but he can move and he does so much stuff. That's so funny. So simple part where he doesn't drink because he's got hypoglycemia and he accidentally gets really drunk. He's trying to feed fruit to his friend on a cocktail stick and he's just letting him pull in on his face and stuff. It's so simple, but it's so funny.

Bridget:

We've all been there.

Wendy:

Oh, yeah.

Bridget:

You get too drunk in front of the person that you like and make an a** of yourself and pretty much much, they never speak to you again.

Wendy:

Yeah, it's double bad. But it's also like all his co.

Bridget:

Workers, he does such a great job transforming his character because at the beginning you can see that he's treated poorly by everyone except his lovely daughter and mom. And then you get to the end after he's fully a badass, and the. The stance and the look that he gets on his face as he walks up to Amy. Oh, my God. And then somebody shoves him. He regroups. Oops. Gets that. Gets that swagger on right away. It's so cute.

Wendy:

It's good.

Bridget:

It's so good.

Wendy:

Yeah, I think it. Maybe it's just the premise. Maybe mall cops just. They don't get any respect. But that's kind of. We all know a security guard that takes their job a little too. Yes, we've seen it.

Bridget:

Well, you know, when they were heading out into the mall and he slaps the sign above the door. And I don't remember what all it said, but it was defend something, observe something else. But only observe was smacked, so it was clearly worn in that place. And when he actually does have to remember, wait, what are the other things? Because there's a super action criminal element to the movie.

Wendy:

Yeah, I suppose. You know, in your daily life as a mall cop, not a lot of excitement. Get a few shoplifters here and there, Fight with somebody in Victoria's Secret. Yeah, I love that.

Bridget:

That scene. Oh, man.

Wendy:

First of all, there's no way that those two women wear the same size bra.

Bridget:

No.

Wendy:

So why are they fighting over it? But. And then. Yeah. And he, like, takes her to the side and basically tells her she's fat and that she's overreacting. She doesn't like her body and this woman is not having it. And then they have. And he's like, I can't hit a woman. So they wrestle.

Bridget:

She beats the crap out of him. He gets the crap beat out of him so much. He gets back. He gets. He MacGyvers. Really? The. How he just stopped all these criminals. Poor guy. He stayed. He could have left the mall, but he stayed because his girlfriend was in there. Now I don't remember how his daughter got there.

Wendy:

Oh, she's bringing him lunch.

Bridget:

That's right.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

His mom and her feeding him.

Wendy:

Yeah. Food is love. I never really realized that was a thing that, like, I grew up thinking until, like, we started bringing Joel's kids around. My mom and she's, like, constantly trying to feed them. And I'm like, wait, she does this with us, too? I just didn't realize it. Are you sure you're okay? You don't have enough to eat? Yeah, like, it is. Food is love.

Bridget:

That's my grandma.

Wendy:

Yeah, it's. It's a way. It definitely is like, a way to show. Show love. And like, cooking a meal for somebody is sweet, but, yeah, it gets too much. And she's like, you want pie?

Bridget:

You know, and now that it's in my head, yeah, get the pie.

Wendy:

Get the pie.

Bridget:

Get the pie now.

Wendy:

Sorry about the test, dad. We all have our crosses to bear, sweetheart.

Bridget:

Mine is named hypoglycemia. That's why you always have to have Sugar nearby. Are you gonna have pie? Not tonight, Ma. I'm just kidding. Yeah, I'm gonna want some pie.

Wendy:

You?

Bridget:

No, I'm in. Now get the pie. Now hand me the peanut butter. Peanut butter Phil's. It helps heal the cracks in my heart.

Wendy:

Can.

Bridget:

Let's talk a bit about the segue.

Wendy:

Yeah. Okay. The video that they put on the dating website. I love it so much.

Bridget:

So great.

Wendy:

And it's. He's. And again, another, like, example of how athletic he is because those things are hard to maneuver. Hoverboards or whatever that you have to, like, pound. It's basically that, except it has hand, so you have to lean forward for it to go forward, lean back for it to go vice versa. And it's really easy to, like, tip them. Okay. So he's doing all this, like, crazy stuff and. And spinning it and dancing. Oh, my gosh. It's adorable. I love it.

Bridget:

It was great. Just balletic.

Wendy:

Truly.

Bridget:

I meant to look into that to see how much. How the training was for that.

Wendy:

Yeah, I wondered that, too.

Bridget:

He's so good at it.

Wendy:

Like, how long did he have to take Segway classes, do Segway training to be able to do all that stuff?

Bridget:

When he picked up Amy, the love interest with the huge doll eyes.

Wendy:

Yeah. She is a walking Disney princess. So cute. Huge, huge eyes. That little sweet voice. Like. Yeah.

Bridget:

When he picks her up on the Segway and escorts her out of the mall, it was very Officer and a Gentleman and also a little bit Titanic. Her hair was blowing. They just made a whole deal of it. She had a blast.

Wendy:

Yeah. I thought that scene was really sweet.

Bridget:

That might be when she fell in love.

Wendy:

Yeah. I think that's the point where you realize, oh, she. She. She could like him. Like, she. She definitely, like, hasn't. Well, and then she. After that, she offers him her phone number. And he doesn't have a phone.

Bridget:

No. And he says he left it in his pants. But then you learn he doesn't have a phone.

Wendy:

Right. Speaking of, we should put in a clip of. So he ends up getting one of his kiosk friends who works at the cell phone kiosk, gives him his teenage daughter's cell phone so that he can use it. And it keeps ringing with her boyfriend. I'm the kind of girl who makes you want to chew all my bubble gum or something like that. Anyway, who did that song? And where can I find it and.

Bridget:

Make it your ringtone?

Wendy:

Exact. Remember ringtones?

Bridget:

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Wendy:

No, I haven't had my phone on.

Bridget:

Instead of looking through apps that didn't exist, then, you would look through the ringtones and you could buy or play Snake.

Wendy:

Oh, yeah. I bet you can download it and still play it. I also liked the. The boyfriend character that keeps calling.

Bridget:

Yeah, he's funny. But that plays in later because he's got the gps.

Wendy:

Yes, true. Yeah.

Bridget:

And that's how he rescues Amy and his daughter.

Wendy:

Yeah. There's. Because he tracks her phone.

Bridget:

And it sucks because it's that thing where everyone is in on it. Even the head of the SWAT team was in on it. His trainee was in on it. And it was a pretty elaborate scheme, really.

Wendy:

Yeah. It seemed like way too much for the payout. It's like we're gonna make this big scene and take over the mall to get some codes, and they think they're gonna get out of there with the codes.

Bridget:

Why go into the mall in the first place when it's not closed?

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

If you're gonna rob a place.

Wendy:

Yeah. None of that part made sense to me. They're like, if you have all these employees that are in on it, just get them to give you the codes when they're on their ship. Why do you need to, like, take hostages and shut down the mall and bring attention to yourself? That part didn't really make sense.

Bridget:

It just gave. It gave Paul Blart's character an opportunity to take some six guys down.

Wendy:

Yeah. It was important to the movie. But the. Yeah, this. I don't know why they were.

Bridget:

And it seemed very improbable that you could gather this many people who are like, parkour ninjas.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

I mean, that. I think that part of the. That device was really to say to the viewer, like, there is no way he has anything to put up against. Against that.

Wendy:

Sure. Yeah. They've got the skateboarder and the rollerblading girl.

Bridget:

They were flipping and jumping and leaping and cartwheeling, beating up. But he had some great weapons off the cuff. I'm gonna say, though, that crawling through an air shaft. And I say air. Something else I did. I left it in on one of our episodes. Crawling through an air shaft gives me tremendous anxiety, claustrophobic feeling things just watching it and that it was a huge air shaft.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

He had to fit.

Wendy:

Yeah. They never make them. Well, they always make this trope where somebody's crawling through the air vents and, like, normal people can't fit through those.

Bridget:

But they're always exactly the size of the actor.

Wendy:

Yes. And. And also, like, I was. I said this at the time. I'm like in movies, people are always like pulling themselves up onto. You know how many people can actually even do a pull up? Can. Maybe Paul Blart can. He's very athletic, but I don't think so. He sees a big guy.

Bridget:

Oh my gosh. And the hypoglycemia is a funny tidbit because he passes out during his state trooper training. The obstacle course.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

And he redeems himself while fighting these bad guys. He basically goes through an even harder obstacle.

Wendy:

And I like that he's always slamming a Pixie stick.

Bridget:

Yes. He always had one sticking out of his breast pocket.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

God, I love it. Pixie stick.

Wendy:

I thought maybe you'd show up with the I should have pixie stick today.

Bridget:

I did think about it. When they fall through the glass roof and land in the kid's ball pit.

Wendy:

Yes.

Bridget:

Then the Segway lands in and he comes out like a beast from the ocean.

Wendy:

I love that.

Bridget:

Driving the Segway. I love that so much.

Wendy:

Yeah. That was so. I like that part a lot too. It was a moment.

Bridget:

Yeah.

Wendy:

Balloon pets.

Bridget:

Oh my gosh. When he. He gets shot at and he has to. He crouches down around a corner, pulls up the sleeve of his shirt. Cuz he's just going ow, ow. I'm dying. Pulls it up and it's just the tiniest little scratch. And he pulls a hello Kitty band aid out of his pocket. Takes the time to put a band aid on it. It's not even bleeding. That was so cute.

Wendy:

Yeah. Hello Kitty. Probably something his daughter gave him.

Bridget:

That's what I thought too.

Wendy:

Their relationship.

Bridget:

Very cute. And of course he was. He was already jaded because his first wife, his daughter's mother basically was tricking him into getting her citizenship. And he did make a comment. Well, things were pretty good before I knew she was tricking me.

Wendy:

Yeah, we had some good stuff.

Bridget:

Yeah. Had a daughter in love and the daughter hate. If you were involved with a twin and you. And they trick you and. And secretly you have sex with the other twin. Do you think you'd notice?

Wendy:

I think so. I feel like once you get close enough to the twin that you are married to them, you can tell that you can tell them apart. Right. But if you're not. If you're just casually dating one, maybe not. You don't know them that well.

Bridget:

Let me put a word out there. Any. Any good looking twins? I'd like to try that experiment. Anyway.

Wendy:

What else do we got?

Bridget:

What else you got on Paul Blars?

Wendy:

I wanted to. Yeah.

Bridget:

Yeah. For Such a big guy. He sure is light on his feet. And nimble.

Wendy:

It's like Jack Black, like, correct. Always moves great. Just carrying a little extra weight. Yeah.

Bridget:

Nothing wrong with that when you're hypoglycemic.

Wendy:

Right.

Bridget:

You need pie. What a thing to make fun of someone about. But pen salesman. Whatever.

Wendy:

Well, he's just a jerk. Those people. And he gets exposed for this a little bit, but those kind of like arrogant people are the most insecure.

Bridget:

Yeah.

Wendy:

And that he gets a little bit exposed for that in this. Especially like when he tells Paul Blart, like, we're basically. Basically together with Amy, but she's not interested in him at all. They're not dating. Like. No, he's making that up in his.

Bridget:

And you know when you're comparing a good looking guy, which he's mediocre to, you know, someone who is more unassuming, like Paul Blart, you think the good looking guy's gonna win. But the girl knows if somebody's a d***, they're a d***. You don't want to hang out with them no matter what, how hot they are.

Wendy:

Right. It doesn't matter, dummy. That's about it.

Bridget:

I love this movie. It is a delightful. Kind of like Okja, where it's. It's so sweet. But then it has this very exciting, intense action section of it.

Wendy:

Yeah. And yeah. It's got a lot of heart.

Bridget:

As does.

Wendy:

Without being too saturnly sweet.

Bridget:

No. See past the shell and get to know the person. Yeah. Did we do it?

Wendy:

I think some beads. Okay. Love you. Bye.

Bridget:

Bye. Party all night long.

Head Shot

Bridget

Co-host
Head Shot

Wendy

Co-host