S4 Ep #96 - What the Hell Is an Identity Shift? (And Why It Feels So Uncomfortable)

Most women think something is wrong with them when they start questioning their life.

On paper, everything looks fine.
You’ve built the life you thought you wanted.
You’re doing all the “right” things.

And yet… something feels off.

You feel restless. Disconnected.
Like the version of you who created this life… isn’t the version of you anymore.

And that’s the part no one really talks about.

In this episode, I’m breaking down what’s actually happening when you feel like this, because it’s not a breakdown.

It’s identity change.

We go into:

•  Why so many women hit this point in their 30s and 40s 
•  The identity you built in your 20s (the achiever, the good one, the strong one) 
•  Why that identity starts to feel heavy… and no longer fits 
•  The difference between identity collapse vs identity expansion 
•  Why your brain tries to “fix” the feeling instead of understand it 
•  And how childhood patterns and conditioning are still shaping how you respond to change now 

This is the part most women get stuck in…

They try to go back to who they were.
They try to fix the discomfort.
They try to make their current life “work” harder.

Instead of realising… they’ve outgrown it.

I’ll also walk you through how to actually move through this season in a grounded, practical way without blowing your life up, and without abandoning yourself in the process.

Because this isn’t a crisis.

It’s the moment you stop living from who you were… and start stepping into who you’re becoming.

If you’ve been feeling like you don’t recognise yourself lately, or like you’re craving something more but can’t quite explain it…

This episode will land.

Want to connect?

@the_stacey_allison_

stacey@staceyallison.com.au

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everybody and welcome to the Happy, Healthy and Healing Podcast. My name is Stacey and I am your host. And today's episode is going to be a juicy one. We are speaking into what the hell is an identity shift. Now, this episode is going to be a big one, and I feel like on social media, especially in personal development circles, you know, a lot of people are talking about identity shift. And though, what actually is an identity shift? Because a lot of women, I feel like they don't really get the whole concept of what it is and why it's so powerful and where they get stuck. So we're going to dive into that today. So life update as always. I have retreat next week at the time of recording. And I am incredibly excited. We have 10 women with space for two more. And hopefully those spots are filled. And if not, I know the right women are there for retreat. I think retreat is one of my favorite things to facilitate. And not gonna lie, the lead up is a lot, and then holding the energy for the women and this group of women in particular are very, very nervous about coming. So it feels like a lot. They're also nervous about being vulnerable in front of other women and you know not knowing what to expect because I've literally told them nothing. And that's the whole point because so many women carry so much weight of, you know, organizing older things. And, you know, that's a sense of control that they're losing. And so it's bringing up emotions already. So I'm excited for that and can't wait to update you guys on how it goes. Personally, though, it's just we're just going through the motions at the moment. I had my women's dinner last weekend, and of course, Mother Nature decided to have like 600 meals of rain over the weekend, and some women got flooded in and they couldn't make it, and though it was so incredible to actually just get out for a night. So I'm not even sure if I've shared on the podcast. I decided a few only a few weeks ago to host a women's dinner. I didn't want to do a workshop, I didn't want to do like a half-day retreat or anything. I was like, no, I just want to do a dinner on connection and focus on that and meet other women. And the women that could make it, it was so, so beautiful. It was everything I envisioned and more apart from the weather and those that couldn't make it. And we had it at Tank Bathhouse in Malullaby if you're localing venue, um, would have been a 10 out of 10 if the weather was a little bit better. However, food was amazing, atmosphere was great. We had the whole facility to ourselves, and it was just like a beautiful private dinner. And you know, none of these women we knew each other, and we had such incredible conversations. So looking forward to running more of them. Low-key wouldn't mind doing a tour around Australia if you're interstate, not in the sunny coast. And I can organize some women's dinners. Part of the work that I do with women, like, yes, I do my one-on-one coaching. Yes, I've got my group stuff, yes, I've got retreats and workshops and everything around personal development. However, what so many women is are craving is that connection. And so I was like, this kind of fits perfectly into what I'm doing. For me, it's actually just having that night out and having connection. Where do you actually make friends? If you're not friends with the school mums or if your kids are out of school, like a lot of women that came, their kids were finishing up school. And so they weren't really, apart from their workmates, it was like, cool, where do I find friends? So I feel like, yeah, it was it was amazing. And it filled my cup as well. So that's my personal update. Other than that, getting ready for a retreat, then it'll be Jared's birthday, then Easter. I was planning a um catch up with a girlfriend and a client actually coming up here to see me. And I was like, yeah, cool, you guys are free in June. And when I typed that to them in the group chat, I was like, oh my god, literally, where is the year going? So anyway, let's get into it. So as I said, this episode is going to be speaking about identity change and identity shifts. Because this is a bit of a buzzword within personal development at the moment. And truly, this concept I feel like needs to be spoken about a bit more. So women actually have a deeper understanding of what identity change is and where they're getting stuck, because this is the key for them to have long-term change and incredible results, whether that's in life, business, career, health, all of the things. So identity change or shifts can be explained in a few different ways. So there's the whole concept of when you have kids, you know, pre-kids, you're living your best life or maybe not, and then you have your kids and your life is no longer just revolved around you. You can't just go to the toilet or the shop in peace. Like you have a lot of logistical things to worry about to keep this human alive. And whilst that's incredible, that's actually an example of shifting identities, right? So going from that maiden to into motherhood. A lot of women, it really shakes them up. Like I know it did for me. And yes, I had Bailey Young. However, even with Ruby and, you know, the boys, it's like with each child, it shifts our identity because we're shifting, changing, and growing. And for a lot of the time, I resisted that. And I feel like a lot of mums are the same, is like, oh, I just want to go back to pre-kids, my old life. Like, not saying they don't want to have their kids. It's more about they don't know who they are or how they function in motherhood. And it just becomes about giving everything to their children because that's what they're told to do. That's the perfect mum type thing. Another example of an identity shift or change is when women, you know, they've got the house, they've got the family, they've got the car, maybe they've got kids, and they're feeling unfulfilled. And maybe they're waking up and being like, literally feel like I'm on a hamster wheel. And why am I doing this? And what's the point? They're just feeling like life is okay. It's not great, it's not bad, it's just okay. And there's they feel like something's missing and they don't quite know what it is. Another example may be in shifting in careers. If you've been in a career for a few years, maybe, or a really long time, it's like you've built who you are based on that career and how you fit into the world and the box that you essentially live in. And so when we then shift careers or shift jobs, it again, it's like this almost internal freak out will happen. And some of us will feel it and some won't, that it's just this uncomfortable, like, oh, I'm stepping outside my comfort zone. I don't know who I am outside my comfort zone and I don't know who my identity is outside of the things that I've been doing. And so, in these examples and the other examples I'm sure I'll give throughout the podcast, there seems to be a bit of a theme with the questions or the internal chatter that we have. You know, some of the questions might be like, Oh, why am I questioning myself all the time now? Why am I questioning everything? I've got this life that on paper looks great. Why does it feel so off or just a bit of meh? Why do I feel restless when everything's actually okay? Like I've got pretty much everything I want. Or the classic, why can't I just be happy or grateful with what I have? Or I should be grateful because there's people worse off than me. And because women will generally jump to those kinds of thoughts and start to question themselves, which at their core is questioning their identity, they jump to the conclusion that they're having some sort of crisis. And whether this happens in 20s or 30s or when you have kids or perimenopause or menopause, these are similar threads that will happen at all of these life stages. And so in today's podcast, I actually want to help you start to pick up on some of the signs so that you know, okay, maybe this isn't a crisis. Maybe I'm actually just shifting identities, I'm shifting levels, I'm outgrowing who I was once before. I'm I'm evolving into the next version of me in this chapter. And what if that's okay? What if we just actually need a system to recognize the patterns of what's happening? I guarantee if you're in your 30s, 40s, 50s, or beyond, this pattern has happened multiple times. And it's not just the big times like you have kids, you get married, that sort of thing. It also can happen quietly in the smaller chapters in our life, in the in-between moments. So what if we actually could create a system which I've got that I'm gonna share with you guys to recognize what's happening, know how to move through it to get to the other side. And then next time it happens, you can be more efficient at it instead of going, oh my God, I've got to burn my whole life to the ground. This is it. I'm having some sort of midlife crisis. It's like, no, you're just growing and evolving. And so once we know this and we know it's just an evolution. And so for me, I think that's where the problem is, is that people aren't teaching women this. No one explains why we build these identities or beliefs about ourselves. No one explains why eventually it starts to feel like that identity doesn't fit us anymore and why it can feel so destabilizing when it starts to shift. So today I want to unpack this properly and go into depth because if you're in that space whenever you're listening to this right now, nothing's wrong. You're not ungrateful, you're not broken, you don't need fixing, you don't need to blow up your whole life. However, you're definitely not the only one feeling this. And this will probably happen again. So take some notes and let's get into it. So if you've listened to the podcast for a little while, you know that we build our identity of who we are, what we believe, all of that inner thoughts, patterns, behaviors, habits, all of it starts from when we're zero to seven. Those are our formative years, which they're very crucial with children, you know, what they're being exposed to, the things that they're listening to, the things they experience. And then from seven to fourteen, the core beliefs that they've built starts to kind of get cemented in a little bit more. And then 14 to 21, by 21, you're pretty much like, okay, this is who I am. Now that doesn't mean that people can't change because I've done that in my 30s and I know people who have done it in their 60s. It's just for you guys to make sense that where we are right now and the things we believe and the patterns and behaviors we have right now didn't start now. They started way back when and they've just evolved as we've grown. So if we start way back at the start, right? And somewhere in your childhood, you as a human have built an identity. So your identity is essentially the story your brain tells you about who you are in the world. So it can include things like what you're good at, what your role is in this world, how other people see you, what kind of person you believe you are. And so for most people, that identity is cemented in by the time we hit teenage years or our 20s, as I said. And your identity, who you are at your core, will be formed around a few key roles. And so for women, it can look like you're the good girl, you're the nurturer, you're the achiever, the helper, you're the partner, you're the mum, you're the strong one, you're the one that holds everything together. I could keep going on. I'm sure that you resonate with one of them. And these roles often become the backbone of how women see themselves. So you might hear yourself tell yourself in conversations like, yes, I'm type A, I'm organized. You might hear other people say, oh yeah, she's the strong one, she holds it together. Or I'm the one that everyone comes to when their life's falling apart. I'm the fixer. And those identities work really well for a long time. They've helped you build your life, maybe even build your success, and they've helped you create stability and safety within yourself. However, there's something really important that a lot of women don't realize. The identity that we've built in our teenage years or in our 20s is often built on who we thought we needed to be at the time and not necessarily who we are. Sometimes it's shaped by family expectations or culture, religious beliefs, friends, work experiences. And sometimes it's actually just built on survival, you know, wanting that feeling of being loved and accepted, feeling safe, feeling certain, feeling part of something. So what we do is we build this identity and we live inside it for years until something happens and things start to feel a little bit different. Now, for a lot of women, this starts to happen. Things start to feel different when they're entering, you know, either motherhood or 30s or 40s. And it starts really quietly. It's not this big, huge announcement going, oh my God, I'm shifting identities. It seems to be this slow internal shift. And it starts literally with our thoughts. And that's when the questioning begins. Like, you know, I've got everything I want. Why am I feeling unhappy or ungrateful? Why do I feel like I'm invisible in my own life, just going through the motions every day? Why do I feel anxious or worry about what people think or have all this negative internal chatter? And it can actually can be really confusing. And women will literally downplay it and be like, stop being silly. Because on the outside, everything looks great. They're successful, they've got all the things they've ever wanted. They're doing pretty well. You know, they've they've worked so hard their whole life to build this life. However, internally something has shifted. And because it's not an external thing, they justify it that it's just a silly feeling. And suddenly it's like almost the identity that they're used to wearing feels like it doesn't fit anymore. It feels uncomfortable. Things that they used to just be okay with give them the ick almost. I'm sure if you're a woman listening, you've worn an uncomfortable bra in your life. And that is really irritating. And that's kind of what, like what it is. So what happens when women start to feel that uncomfortable thing is they start to feel like, oh my God, something's wrong. And they might catastrophize things. What's actually happening is very normal, and it happens multiple times in our lives. What's happening is they're actually just outgrowing an identity that once served them. And during that outgrowing process, it can feel really uncomfortable. And a lot of women I've heard say things like, oh my God, I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like lost, overwhelmed, anxious. And this is actually the destabilizing process. Now, why it feels so destabilizing is because your brain is wired for certainty and safety. And certainty and safety gives us that stability piece. And knowing who you are deep at your core gives your brain that evidence of stability because, in fact, one of your brain's biggest questions is who am I? So when your identity feels clear, your brain feels safe. And majority of the women that I work with or come to retreats are like, I don't even know who I am anymore. I can't recognize myself. I'm so in my head, it's so overwhelming. I'm just feel empty. And these are women that run successful businesses, have successful careers, have successful households for those stay-at-home mums. Like they literally on the outside, you would not even know because it's all in their head. And so when all these questions start to come up, your brain doesn't like it because that answer that it's searching for is unclear, it's uncertain, it feels unsafe. It feels like there's a tiger chasing you because you don't know who you are anymore. And then this creates a phenomenon where it's essentially that uncomfortable feeling that happens when your internal experience no longer matches the story you've been telling yourself about who you are. So for example, if you're someone who wears the badge of honor that I'm someone that just holds it all together and pushes down my emotions or I'm very controlled with my emotions, if you're suddenly feeling exhausted holding that all together, or your emotions are starting to burst out, maybe you're having some rage, some anger, some sadness, like you're crying randomly for no reason, then your brain is going, hang on, what's what what's happening here? The story I've been telling myself for so long that I'm the one that holds it all together. I'm that person. What's happening externally isn't matching. And that creates more tension and more uncomfortableness. And then really shame and guilt. Like women will go into these shame spirals of what's wrong with me? They feel guilty for expressing their emotion because they probably haven't done it for a really long time. Like they literally will start the spiral. Or another example is, you know, women who have done everything for their kids and their partners their whole life, you know, the story is I'm the good mum, I'm the good partner. And then though, if they're suddenly questioning the relationship, they're asking for time for themselves without their kids, they're wanting to explore hobbies, whatever it is, again, the internal story, the belief that we've created, doesn't match the external response. So what happens from here is that women actually they try and fix it and they try and solve the problem with thinking. And this is overthinking all of the time. You know, so they'll look externally for the solution. So they'll have this internal overthinking, what's wrong with me? Oh my God, I'm a bad person, maybe I'm crazy. All these things start circling in their mind. Guilt, shame will kick in. And then what they'll do is go, oh, maybe I need a holiday. Maybe I'm just burnt out. Maybe I just got to push harder. Maybe I just need a new goal. Maybe I need to move houses. And they'll put that energy into something else because they think that will be the thing that will fix it. And yes, sometimes that may help things temporarily. But if the real issue is identity change, you can't solve that with a surface level solution or an external solution. Because the real shift that's happening isn't about logistics about the things. It's actually an internal mindset thing. It's psychological. And what's happening is that internal story about who you are and what you've created that belief to be is changing. And so when we've got this change happening, I just want to share this because I feel like it's really important. Identity change can actually feel like two very different experiences. So the first one, it can feel like an identity collapse. This is when the identity that you've built starts to feel like it's breaking down. So you're feeling lost, confused, uncertain, maybe lack of energy because the roles that you've created and you've relied on to feel certain in who you are, they don't feel stable anymore. They don't feel aligned. So that's why it can feel like it's all coming crashing down. And then the second experience can actually be identity expansion. And this is when you start recognizing that the version of you that got you to here right now isn't the version of you that's gonna get you to where you want to go next. So instead of everything feeling like it's collapsing, your identity actually starts expanding. And that's really exciting. You know, maybe you're having deeper level conversations or you're working with a coach and you start asking yourself, who am I outside of these roles? What actually matters to me right now? What kind of life would feel aligned with the woman I am today? And that's where the growth starts to begin. In our bodies, our physiological response, anxiety and excitement can have the same response. And so in those two examples where you feel like everything's crashing down or you're in an expansion mindset, literally that is shifting the anxious energy into that excited energy. Now, I truly believe that this happens multiple times in life. And yes, there's going to be some classic, you know, triggering moments that it changed that happens for a lot of the population. Things like becoming a mum, getting married, getting separated or divorced, burnout, career changes, turning 40 for some reason, or even at 50, and 30, I'm saying actually, like turning 30, 40, 50 seems to be a typical thing where women are like, what the hell is going on with my life? Or maybe it's for someone like myself, was you know, we had the business, the car, the kids, the house, like we were doing pretty well. And though I was left feeling like a shell of myself, mixed in with burnout, you know, post-nale depression, all these things, it was like I was just so unfulfilled. And that was an event in my life where something had to change. And these moments, while they can feel really uncomfortable within, they can feel uncomfortable having the conversations with other people. These moments are actually asking of you to force yourself to ask those deeper questions. And people don't like to be uncomfortable. So they generally don't do it and swipe over it. And if you can ask yourself those questions, it can actually be incredibly powerful because those questions actually consciously give you the opportunity to decide who you want to become next. Not what your partner wants, not what your kids want, not what your friends want, what you want next. And that can be a really confronting question. And if I'm honest, a lot of women will get stuck there. Like I will ask them in conversation, okay, what do you want? And they don't know. And then they avoid the question. And then they don't speak to me again. I'm like, okay, I literally was just trying to help you take that next step. And okay. And sometimes, you know, I see other women getting stuck even before that. Like they will literally gaslight themselves. They'll say, I should just be more grateful. Other people have it worse. Maybe I'm just being dramatic. And so they just push the feeling down. However, what they don't realize is that it's going to resurface at some point and probably worse. The second thing I see where women get stuck is they start to panic and they start to try and fix everything. You know, women hate uncertainty. And especially if they're really high achieving or successful, they literally can't live with themselves with that uncertainty. And so they need to fix it all really quickly. However, identity change isn't something that you can rush. Like it's one thing to have the awareness of where you are right now. However, the integration process is going to take more than a couple of weeks. Like you literally need to rebuild the foundation of who you are. Like, imagine a house. Like, if we just poured the concrete and build the house straight away after it was poured, it's not going to be stable. And that's the same with shifting who you are. It's like you need to take action in the integration process to rebuild and rewire who you are. And the third place I feel like women get really stuck is in a shame spiral. They start to think like, why am I questioning my life? People are going to think I'm crazy. What are people going to say? You know, I chose this life. I chose to be here with this relationship and kids. So I just, I'll just stay quiet. And so they shame themselves into being stuck. And that's wild for me. And I know like this concept didn't really drop in for me until the last couple of years, if I'm honest. Human beings evolve. The woman you are at 25 is not the woman you're going to be at 38. Your values change, your awareness grows, your priorities shift. However, society says that we should just stay the same, to build a life once, to tick all the boxes, and then stay satisfied forever. You know, you have to wait till you're 65 to retire, then you can enjoy your life. That sort of thing. And that's simply not how humans work. Growth means evolution, and evolution means. Identity change. So I want you to take today's episode, and I'm going to give you some reflection questions in a moment, and actually start to question the stories or the thoughts or the box that you feel like you're in in your life right now and get really honest with yourself and start to frame instead of seeing change or growth as a bad thing, it's actually evolution and recognize that who you were in the past is not who you're going to be in the future. And we can either resist that growth and create a lot of friction and create a lot of problems and challenges, or we can simply understand the signs that we are moving through an evolution period. Like there's going to be times in your life where it's like this is maintenance. Yeah, cool, moving through things. It's like when things start to feel like they're not aligned or they're uncomfortable, it's going, all right, cool. Is this still who I am, what I want, and start moving through that? And little by little, if you can keep actually taking that accountability and being honest with yourself, then your evolution will just become part of everyday life. It doesn't have to be this big song and dance, like, oh, I'm working with a coach that's going to fix my whole life. Yep, in 12 weeks I'm going to be a new person. It's like that is just the start. You know, I know a lot of the work I do in my breakthrough coaching one-to-one is like helping women transition in the identity piece and then giving them the tools and resources to go, hey, this is going to happen again. You don't need to work with me. I want to empower you to actually move through that. Because for some of you, it might be a period of rapid growth. Like I feel like while we were traveling, for me, it was kind of like a maintenance phase. Whereas I feel like since we've settled down, I'm like, cool, I'm running into the storm. I'm running into my edges. I am moving through this at a rapid pace. And whilst, yes, at the moment I've got a coach that I'm working with, last year I didn't because I didn't feel the need for it. And that's what I love that I get to empower women to do the same is walk alongside them with those major transitions in their life or their career or their, you know, identity, whatever it is, their relationships even, and then get to the other side, restabilize, give them what they need to start to integrate their new identity. And then some of them come back. Like I recently had a client we finished up working last year, and it's been six months, and she's like, cool, ready for the next level, Stace. Like I want to do this. Yep, cool, let's go. And that's how it gets to be because she knows that working with me, I've helped her in that transition. We got through it and we can get through it quicker together. So I want to leave you with these questions to sit with. So maybe grab a pen and paper if you're not driving, otherwise, come back and re-listen. And I want you to really go deep on these questions. Okay. So number one is what parts of my life still belong to an older version of me? The next one is where in my life do I feel like I'm playing a certain role instead of just being myself? The next one, what desires or goals or dreams do I have? And I've quietly pushed down because it feels selfish or inconvenient to others. And if nothing in my life had to change tomorrow, however, I allowed myself to change internally to change my mindset, what would actually change? Because maybe if you're in the thick of it right now, you're not actually in a crisis. Maybe it's actually just the crossroads of you becoming the next version of you, which is more like who you actually are. And sometimes that moment at that crossroads of realizing you don't have to be all of those things. You can actually just be you is the moment that's going to change everything. So please reflect on those questions, reach out if you get stuck. And please, like, don't make this something that you just think about for a second and then move on from. Like, I want you to actually sit down and go deep onto this. Give yourself that space. Because honestly, society, you know, tells us we need all these external things to fix us or to make us better or whatever. And a lot of the time it comes back to this identity quiet work. You know, it comes down to working through these things, pushing into that uncomfortable piece and getting through that other side. And we get to do that. And we can choose whether it's going to feel like it's we're resisting it and we're fighting it, or we're actually going to do it with grace and with flow. If today's episode hit home for you, please like, share, rate the podcast, all of the things for me, because you sharing and liking and subscribing, that all helps me with my mission to help a million women. So I really appreciate your help. Have a fantastic day and I'll talk to you on the next episode.