S4 Ep #99 - You’re Not Stuck… You’re Repeating the Same Loop

You’ve done a lot of inner work… so why does it still feel like this?

Same overthinking.
Same reactions.
Same situations playing out in slightly different ways.

At some point, you start to wonder, is it me… or is this just how life is?

Here’s what most people don’t realise:

You’re not stuck. You’re running a loop.

And until you see it while it’s happening… you’ll keep ending up in the same place, no matter how much you “understand” yourself.

In this episode, I break down what these loops actually look like in real life, the subtle patterns that feel normal but are quietly keeping you in the same cycles.

We get into why your brain keeps choosing familiar reactions (even when they’re exhausting you), and the part no one really talks about…

Why awareness isn’t the thing that changes your life.

If you’ve ever thought, “I know better… so why do I keep doing this?”
this will hit.

Want to connect?

Email - stacey@staceyallison.com.au

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everybody and welcome to the Happy, Healthy and Healing Podcast. My name is Stacy and I'm your host. And it's been a few weeks since I've recorded, so I am back in the saddle recording. And in today's episode, I'm going to speak into this feeling of a lot of women speak about is being stuck. It's not actually being stuck, it's just that they're repeating these same loops in their life. And we're going to explore this a little bit. So I'm excited to get into it. Life update. And you know, and if I'm really honest, life has just felt a bit heavy. And so for me, taking my own advice that I give my clients, it's like, okay, what are the bare ass minimum things that I can do in my life, in my business, in my relationships, just to almost like self-preserve, look after me for a moment while I'm navigating through these things. And, you know, this is where I love the work that I do so much because it's not just like, oh yeah, here's a quote, go and think positive. It's like these real actionable tools that each time we're faced with challenges or adversity in our life, we can come back to them. We can come back to our tools. We can go, okay, honor the emotions, feel your feels, and okay, it's time to move through this now. Because if we're staying up in our head, we're just circulating through these loops, going around and around in our minds, we're just going to stay stuck. And, you know, this is where a lot of women feel like they are right now, especially those who are navigating big changes in their life, or, you know, maybe it's like this whole identity shift, or, you know, going through divorce or new jobs or whatever it is, whatever life stage you're at, you're going to experience these times. And that's where the stuff that I put in my work and my podcasts I teach at retreats in coaching, I am very much about the practical side of things because this is going to happen on repeat in your life. There is always going to be challenges and things you've got to work through. And that's the that's part of your growth. Like if you think about it, any hard time that you've been through in your life has shaped and molded you into who you are today. And so if those times can shape and mold us, and maybe you're not enjoying where you are right now, it's like, hey, well, we have a choice that we can start to choose differently. And so we're going to explore that a little bit today. And so once we get through this episode and you know, the next time you hear yourself or someone saying, Oh, I feel stuck, you're not going to be able to look at it the same because you're actually going to be able to make sense of what's going on on the inside and some small tips to actually move through this. So I want to give you a picture first. And if you haven't been here yourself, I'm sure you know someone who has. And I'm pretty sure if you're listening to this, you have been stuck in a loop at one point in your life. And maybe you didn't realize at the start that you're actually in the loop. Because that is the first step is actually creating the awareness of like, hey, why do these things keep happening? Why do I keep attracting the same men into my life? Why do I keep ending up, you know, always being the pushover or, you know, giving my all to everyone? Like these are all loops that happen. Sometimes they're day in, day out, week in, week out, year in, year out, same day, same thoughts, same reactions, same patterns. It's a different day, however, it's just that same internal experience. Literally feels like we're living groundhog day sometimes. And what's really wild is that most of the time, things will unconsciously repeat, and we may not be fully aware of what's happening. And you know, from the outside, life looks fine, everything looks okay, you're managing all the things until one day it hits you. And often when it hits you, it's with brute force because you just haven't been in that loop for maybe a day or a week. Often it's a lot longer than that. And sometimes it's literally part of who we've become as adults. So this is when women will come to me and they've got the same triggers or the same people upsetting them, the same overwhelm, overthinking, or the same frustration of why do I keep ending here? Why does it always end up the same? And so if you've ever had these thoughts or feelings or know someone who has, this episode is for you. This is the picture of the woman who, and maybe it's a close girlfriend of yours, who's literally like, oh my god, Stacey, I'm feeling this again and I'm going through this again, and this is happening to me again. And it's like, okay, it's time to actually break these loops. So when we're talking about breaking the loops, I know that that can seem a little bit like abstract or not really have a lot of meaning behind it. So I want to share some common loops with you in day-to-day that I see a lot of women experiencing. Now, loops on their own aren't a bad thing. Like they're it is not good or bad to have loops. They're actually very practical. And their whole idea behind a loop is to keep us safe or keep us in our comfort zone. So one common loop is that women are waking up exhausted, they're feeling rushed, they're feeling overwhelmed, even anxious. You know, then it's time to get the kids up in the morning if you've got younger kids. Maybe they snap at them or snap at their partner, then they feel guilty and feel ashamed and tell themselves that they need to do better tomorrow, and that pattern will repeat morning upon morning upon morning. There is so much repetition that, in fact, you're going to bed at night stressing about the morning routine and how that's going to go down. And even if you don't have kids, you can still experience that loop in the dread for getting up to work, got to do the things, tick the list off, get to work. Maybe someone, your colleague says something at work and you feel that frustration, you have an outburst, and again, then the pattern repeats again. Or another common one that I see is around procrastinating and indecision and overthinking, I guess. So you know that you have a decision to make. You overthink it, firstly, internally, then maybe you ask three other people for their opinion, then you still don't trust yourself with what you're feeling in your gut. And so you delay, and then you feel frustrated with yourself. Why didn't you do the thing? And then the pattern repeats again. Does that one sound maybe a bit more familiar? Or even if we look at relationships or friendships, something small will happen, then you'll feel triggered, you either shut down or you overreact. You've replayed in your head a million times, you question yourself and gaslight yourself, then nothing gets resolved and the pattern repeats again. And over time, these patterns and these loops, they just become your normal. And it's not always because the patterns or the loops are working, it's just because it feels familiar. And our brains are literally wired to keep us safe. And safe isn't like a tiger's chasing us these days. Safe is that we're not pushing too much out of our comfort zone. So why do our brains keep us here? And this is the part that a lot of women don't really understand, is that our brains, as I said, are wired for safety. They're not wired for happiness. So safety is always going to equal that familiar place or people or thoughts or behaviors. So even if your pattern is like overthinking, people pleasing, avoiding, shutting down, or burning out, if that's what you've done for years and it's compounded from maybe you were trying to keep your teachers happy as a child, and now it's you're trying to keep your boss happy at work and you're in your 40s, your brain goes, Yeah, cool, I know this. I've got this. This is safe. I know that nothing really bad is gonna happen here. Even if it's exhausting you, even if it's holding your back, even if it you know deep down there's more available to you, your brain isn't wired for that happiness piece. It's it's more willing to sit in a low level of discomfort just to keep you safe. And this is why a change can be really hard. And it's not because people are lazy or lack motivation, it's because you're literally trying to move away from what your brain thinks of as safe. And our brain is literally like our computer, it controls everything. And so if you're trying to move away from what's it deems as safe and into something unknown or you've never experienced before, it sees it as a threat. And threat equals danger, like a tiger is chasing us. Now, I want to be really honest with you here. This is why a lot of people feel like, oh my God, I'm doing all the work, I'm reading the books, I'm going to the workshops, I'm doing the short courses, I'm learning the things, but nothing is actually changing. And this is because they're literally trying to think their way out of a pattern that they are still living in day in, day out. And so they'll tell themselves things like, oh, I just need to do this. I just need to be more positive. I just need a better mindset. I just need to buy another course. And then though, when they wake up and they repeat the same loop, they get frustrated. They get frustrated mainly at themselves. Or they tell themselves a story that, oh, this doesn't work for me. And here's the real kicker though, you don't break patterns by thinking about it differently once. You break patterns by responding differently inside the moment that the pattern shows up. And that part is really uncomfortable for a lot of people. It's like this is where you actually have to get your hands dirty. You actually have to consciously work on changing the pattern and pushing through that discomfort. So, how do we actually break these loops, Stacey? Because I know I've got probably 10 different loops going around in my life right now that I want to shift. And I've said this a few times on the podcast now. The only way through it is to actually work through it. It's to be conscious of it. It's to integrate the patterns so it becomes your new normal. And if you knew that it would take a hundred times to choose differently from the pattern that you like to in the past refer to, would you actually just start to actually do it? If I could give you a number. Now, for some people, it's only choosing differently 10 times. For some people, it's a hundred times. Whatever it is for you, that's part of the integration process. So most people are getting stuck at this integration place because they will start to do the thing. It will feel uncomfortable, maybe more uncomfortable, maybe people in their life won't make sense of why they're changing or why they want to. And, you know, they might take nine steps and then revert back to safety instead of actually just pushing through it and getting to the tenth, and that is breaking the loop indefinitely. I wanted to explain a bit more about what our integration actually looks like because it's easy just to say, oh yeah, go and integrate. What does it mean, Stacey? What it means is step one is catching the loop in real time, not after the fact, not the next day, not the next week. It is catching yourself in the moment, whether it's when you start to spiral, when you notice the same reaction coming up, when you're about to do the thing that you always do in that circumstance, that is the moment. That is the work to catch yourself. Then step two is interrupting the automatic pattern. So this is where you need to choose something different. And as I said, it's going to feel uncomfortable. So if you normally shut down and avoid the conversation, what is the opposite to that? Okay, well, I actually need to speak up, even if it's hard, even if it's uncomfortable. If your favorite flavor is overthinking, okay, if you normally go straight to overthinking, make a decision. Give yourself a five-minute timer, make a decision, and back yourself 100%. Because a decision is better than no decision. If you're a people pleaser, instead of saying yes, actually pause and say, hey, I'll get back to you on that. I've just got to check my calendar. Give yourself that space to not run the automatic yes, I'll do that for you. If you're someone who easily goes to frustration, again, using the pause to regulate yourself, taking a big deep breath or three deep breaths before you react can be so powerful. And I know these sounds like small, insignificant things. However, if your autopilot is to go one way and it zigs that way, we need to zag the other way and do something different to break the pattern. Step three in this, and I think possibly this could be step one as well, is actually regulating your nervous system. So if you're sitting out of nine out of ten internally, you're stressed out, you're frustrated, you're always on edge, you're not going to be able to choose anything consciously. It's going to be a real fight when we're living in that fight or flight, heightened state. So before you try and change your pattern, I would suggest working on your nervous system. And so this can be as simple as like calming your breath, taking a moment to pause before you respond, or remove yourself sometimes from the situation. So if your kids are at you and you're feeling frustrated, it's like, how can you just go, hey, mum needs a moment and go diffuse a little bit by yourself and come back? And a lot of people try and, I guess, bypass this nervous system regulation thing because the story I used to tell myself is I don't have time for it. And I'm not going to deep dive into it today, but if you think about the research that has done the correlation between stress and our health conditions, there is massive evidence that stress is having an impact on our health. And so I want you to think about stress isn't just, oh my God, I feel stressed at work. It's literally what state are you living in? Are you living in a fight or flight state? Are you feeling that? And that is your nervous system. Then the next step and the last step is repetition until it becomes your new normal. If you think about it right now, you're in your comfort zone, in your little bubble, you have your patterns happening on repeat, sometimes unconsciously. And if we want to choose differently, we need to build up enough reps. So that becomes your new normal, your new normal way to react or respond or to be or to not do things. And sometimes the repetition, as I said, is 10 reps for some and it's a hundred reps for others. However, consistency in those reps is the key. So I want you to think about you need to do this again and again and again until it becomes automatic. And so this week, I really want you to start to notice your loops and start to notice your automatic patterns that maybe they leave you feeling guilty or ashamed or frustrated or sad or whatever it is. And start to bring awareness to them. Note them down. What are your automatic responses and what do you want to change them to? And if you don't feel comfortable to change them to that yet, what's one small step you can take toward that goal of where you want to react or respond or choose differently? So it might not be saying no to everyone at work and might be saying no once this week. Because this may sound a little bit harsh, but at some point you actually have to take responsibility for your loops. Now, this isn't about blaming yourself. It's about actually owning it. Because if you just keep saying, oh, this keeps happening to me, Stacy, I don't know why this keeps happening, you stay powerless. However, if you can shift it to I can see that this pattern is happening, this is where everything starts to shift and starts to change. Because now you can actually do something about it. And if you choose not to, that's still your choice. And go back to taking accountability. Now you might be thinking, why are we talking about this today? Like, why is it actually so important? I'm not in that much pain. You know, I'm not completely happy, but I'm not in that much pain that I'm willing to do anything about it. And I just want to remind you that this isn't just about small habits. This is your life. This is how you experience your life and ultimately how you experience it and how much joy and fulfillment and happiness you're going to have. And if nothing changes, you don't just repeat a bad day. There is potential to repeat these bad patterns for the rest of your life. And that's where so many people just wake up and go, oh my God, how did I even get here? And it's not because generally something big went wrong. Like, yes, that plays a part in it. However, it's because nothing ever changed in their day-to-day. So if this episode landed and you can see your loops, I want you to take note of them this week. And if this is something you feel like you would like support with and accountability, this is the exact work that I do with my clients. I help them break their loops and I keep them accountable so that we can make sure that they actually integrate properly and they create a new normal. And that helps them to build a new way of thinking, responding, living, experiencing life, a new level of joy, happiness, and fulfillment and success. So if this is you, reach out, please send me a message with the word loops and let's chat about what's going on for you. And as always, I just want to say thank you so much for tuning in to the podcast. And I would appreciate if you can share with a friend, rate it on Spotify, Apple, wherever you're listening today. I have a mission to impact over a million women in my lifetime. And every share, like, subscribe helps me on that mission. So thank you so much, and I'll talk to you on the next episode.