S4 Ep #100 - 100 Episodes Later: 10 Lessons on Overthinking, Self-Doubt & Why You Still Feel Stuck

This is my 100th episode… and when I sat down to record it, I didn’t want to just celebrate it.

I wanted to say something that actually matters.

Because after 100 conversations about mindset, patterns, confidence and emotional intelligence, there are certain things I see over and over again in women.

Not the ones who are falling apart.

The ones who look like they’ve got it together.

The ones who are capable, self-aware, doing all the right things… but still feel stuck in their own head.

Still overthink everything.
Still second guess themselves.
Still have that quiet feeling of “I don’t feel like myself anymore.”

In this episode, I’m sharing 10 of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt coaching clients and on my own journey.

—

If this episode hits, share it to your stories and tag me — I love seeing who’s listening.

And if you’re at the point where you’re ready to stop repeating the same patterns and actually change them, you can reach out to me on Instagram and I’ll point you in the right direction.

Stacey xx

Want to connect?
Instagram - @the_stacey_allison_
Email - stacey@staceyallison.com.au

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everybody and welcome to episode 100 of the Happy, Healthy and Healing Podcast. My name is Stacy and I'm your host. And gosh, can you believe it? We are here at episode 100. And this feels really special because if you are a longtime listener, season one is more about my own journey and going through things in real time and experiences. And it's grown over the last four seasons. And I'm truly grateful for each and every one of you that tune in regularly and listen to me waffle on on these episodes. It truly means so much. Life update. So I've just come off retreat a few days ago. And oh my gosh, yet again, another incredible experience. I am gonna do another episode dedicated to that. So I won't speak too much into it. Fun fact part two last week while I was at Retreat, Jared actually listened to the podcast for the first time. And he said, babe, I love it. However, you just waffle on a bit too much. He's like, time to trim the fat on the podcast and just get straight into the juicy stuff. So I'm taking that on board this week as I record, and I'm gonna get straight into it. So let's go. And so over these hundred episodes, it has been such a journey. You know, I remember recording the podcast while Bailey was at basketball in the car, recording 10 times before I actually posted it. And it was such a huge part of me of learning how to use my voice. And now, a hundred episodes later, and coaching women and hosting retreats and events, and through my own journey, I feel like there's a few lessons that I'd love to share with you listening today. Now, these lessons aren't just for the women who feel like they're struggling, they're also for the high-achieving women. You know, the women who hold it all together, they get everything done, the women that everyone else relies on or looks up to, the woman who is successful on the outside, however, exhausted on the inside. And so the last few weeks I've been thinking, what am I gonna do for my hundredth episode? I feel like I want to have a party. And I was like, well, what's really relevant right now for me is I've been on a massive journey myself the last couple of years. And I really feel like I want to share these messages with you guys because they have been so relevant in my journey, my clients' journey, from the people I speak to that listen to the podcast going, oh my God, are you in my head or what? And so I want to revisit these and share a bit of insight. So some of these may challenge you, they may validate you, they may start to get you thinking again and start to change the way you see things or see yourself. So, lesson one, your life can look good on the outside and still not feel right. I think this is one of the biggest things that I've learned from so many women. It's almost like women need this permission slip to actually share that they feel like they're struggling. So if their life isn't falling apart, they don't have massive trauma, there's nothing really wrong in their life, they feel super guilty, maybe even ashamed that they feel like something is off. And I see it all the time. It's the classic, oh, I should be happy, Stacy. People have it worse off than me. I have a good life. I don't know technically what's wrong. There's just something missing. And partly I feel like this is because they're so disconnected from themselves. You know, for so many years they've been trying to fit the box of keeping everyone happy, you know, someone telling them how they should feel, how they should act. And so inside they're feeling flat, overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted, at capacity, like they're constantly performing in their life instead of actually living it. And so one of the most dangerous things that I see time and time again is women actually gaslighting themselves. They gaslight themselves out of their own experience because their life looks fine on paper. And here's the thing is you can hold both. You can feel gratitude and know something needs to change. You can love your family, your friends, your kids, and still feel disconnected from yourself. You can have success and still feel emotionally exhausted. Two truths can exist at once. And so if you're feeling this, you don't need to burn your whole life to the ground. You don't need to dye your hair or book the holiday or whatever you're thinking of doing. You simply just need to stop abandoning yourself in the life that you've built. Start asking yourself, what do you want? How do I want to feel? What does success look like in this chapter for me? Because just what we've believed in the past about ourselves doesn't mean that we have to carry that in the future. Our goals can change, our beliefs can change, our identities can change. You have the power to change. And at the end of the day, the whole goal in life is to just experience it, to live it, to feel fulfilled and happy. And if you're not there right now, this is your sign to actually reconnect with you. All right, lesson two. I think my favorite lesson is number eight or nine. So hang in there with me. This one may ruffle some feathers. And I went through a framework with women at retreat on the weekend for exactly this. Overthinking is rarely the problem. And this is huge because so many women say, oh, Stacy, I'm overwhelmed. I'm overthinking. However, overthinking is just the symptom. It's the tip of the iceberg. And what's underneath it is usually fear of judgment, fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of making the wrong decision, fear of disappointing people, fear of losing control. There's a whole number of things that it could be. However, overthinking is normally just the brain trying to create certainty and safety. And so the hardest part is, is when someone is super self-aware, it becomes easier and easier for them to stay stuck and just to keep analyzing themselves. Like, think about it. You can literally think yourself in circles for years. Like I know some women from five years ago who are still having the same conversations and still unhappy with the same things in their life, and they've been stuck in that loop because they don't know how to get out. They don't know how to break the circuit. And so they keep consuming podcasts or books or courses or coaches and they keep getting insight. However, that doesn't create transformation. Action creates transformation. And in order to take action, you actually need to feel safe enough and have the emotional intelligence to regulate yourself in any moment because life will happen. Shit will still happen. However, if you have the ability in the moment to choose differently, that's gonna compound over time and create massive change in your life. And that's where a coach can be so valuable to actually hold your hand through that for the first little bit because it's hard. It's easier to go back to what we know. Even though we're slightly unhappy with it, it's easier to go back to that comfortable, familiar circle. And change isn't gonna happen when it's easy or you're motivated or life is running smoothly. Change is gonna happen on that random day where you choose to react or respond in a different way to what your normal current pattern is. That is where change starts. Lesson three. Most women are carrying way more than they realize or they like to admit. Now, I don't just mean this physically, I mean this on a mental, emotional, energetic level. The mental tabs that women these days have open is actually wild. They're thinking about work, they're thinking about the kids, dinner. Did I book that appointment in? Did I turn the stove off? Thinking about the future, thinking about whether they're enough. And after a while, your body starts to live in survival mode and you don't even realize. This is why day two of retreat is such a shift for so many women, because the whole Friday is spent actually bringing down their nervous system. Like the women at the most recent one, if they started at a 10 on Friday, most of them had dropped to 50, 60% of where they were sitting. And they hadn't realized that they'd been sitting there for years, if not their whole life. And to have actually that calm feeling is a strange experience these days. You know, we think that we're relaxing while we're watching movies or scrolling or maybe having a few glasses of wine with friends. However, we're not. That is just essentially numbing out how we're feeling. And so even though on the surface you go, yeah, I feel calm, it's not happening at a nervous system level. It's not happening in your body. So if you're the classic woman that says, I can't sit still, I need to stay busy, I feel guilty for doing nothing, I don't know how to switch off, meditation doesn't work for me, any of those things. This is because potentially you've been living at that 10 out of 10 for so long and feeling calm feels unfamiliar, feels a little bit uncomfortable. And it's a practice. Our nervous systems actually get addicted to that pressure. It lacks the chase, it lacks the chaos. It feels like it's achieving something when we're in that state. And society tells us that we need to keep achieving, need to do all the things, hold it all, be superwoman. And honestly, that can't be great for our health, mental, physical, or emotional. And so learning how to be still and feel safe and feel calm is one of the most underrated tools that a woman can have. Because if you can practice that when life is fairly okay, nothing major is happening, you're then going to be able to draw on that tool and use it when you're feeling heightened, when the kids are screaming your name 200 times in a row, when you're having an argument and you want to shut down, you'll be able to draw on that experience to actually change your patterns and move forward. Lesson four, and this kind of ties into a previous lesson, I guess, is around awareness. Awareness is powerful, however, it's not enough. It's not enough to create change. So I think social media has created this generation of women who have access to so much information. And it's great. There are so many positives about it. So with this information, women are becoming more self-aware. You know, maybe they know their attachment style, maybe they know their trauma response, maybe they know their patterns and behaviors. They can see things playing out in front of them. And knowing, though, isn't the same as changing. And I say this with love because I see women get stuck here all the time. And, you know, even the best of us occasionally get stuck. Like I was sharing with the women at retreat. It's it's almost when I reach a new level in my business, in my personal life, in my growth. Those old thoughts and feelings and behaviors, they literally try and come up and rear their ugly heads and be like, hey, Stace, did you forget about us? However, time and time again, it's about me recognizing the patterns and choosing differently. Because it would be easy for me to just turn around and let those little patterns go, yeah, cool. We're not going to run a retreat. We're not going to run an event. We're not going to put ourselves out there to keep ourselves safe. However, that's not helping me with my impact goals. It's not helping me support my family. It's not helping me with my own growth. However, for a really long time, I let those things control me. And I know that you have too. So where women are getting stuck is they're becoming experts in understanding themselves, but they're not trusting themselves. And that real change, that long-term change, is going to come from integration. And integration is repeatedly choosing differently in your life. It's repeatedly trusting yourself that you're making the right decision. It's repeatedly putting in boundaries with people who are draining your energy. It's repeatedly speaking up when you want to shut down. Because right now, if you are feeling stuck, you've formed that identity about this is who I am. And to break that, we need to do something different. Who do you actually want to be in the future? Can you even visualize that? And if you can't, that's where I would start. Writing a list. What do you want? What don't you want in your life? And go through maybe the wheel of life. Go through your relationships, your finances, your career or business, your religion or spirituality, all of the areas and start to map out what you do want and what you don't want so you can start to create that picture. And then once you've got that picture, you can start breaking it down to what decisions do I need to make? And then repeatedly making those decisions is going to rewire your brain to stop defaulting to the old patterns. I use the analogy of gym goers on the weekend quite a bit. And I think that's a perfect example, though, because people will start off at the gym, oh, I don't like this about myself. I want to change this. And then though, eventually, through repetition, how many training sessions, it just becomes part of their new normal. And that's the same with your patterns or behaviors or your emotional state or thoughts about yourself. Like it is, it is exactly the same. Repetition is the key. And it's not sexy. It's not some affirmation that you're going to manifest a million dollars and whatever it is. It's like actually takes work. It takes work. And it also takes you making yourself feel uncomfortable. You know, whether that's setting the boundary, having uncomfortable conversations, pushing yourself outside your comfort zone, saying no, following through, all of those things. They're not sexy, however, they work. Lesson number five, and this one hits home for me. Confidence isn't loud. I used to think that confidence, you know, was the woman's standing on stage, speaking loudly, holding the intention of a crowd, like having this presence about her that was just so loud and out there. However, now I know that confidence is just actually self-trust. You know, it's being able to disappoint people without collapsing, being able to make decisions without asking 10 people or needing their approval, being able to back yourself even when you feel uncertain. It is these small things like keeping promises to yourself, doing what you say you're gonna do, that is gonna build your confidence. And sadly, most women are waiting for that feeling of confidence before they take action. They're kind of waiting for a train that's never coming. When really confidence is built afterwards. When you do the thing, how do you feel? Do you feel damn proud of yourself? If you've spoken up and stood up for yourself or set a boundary, how do you feel afterwards? After you do something you thought you couldn't do. Again, how do you feel? I'm gonna say it's gonna be feeling proud of yourself or feeling confident. And that's because confidence is evidence that you can do the thing. When women have such a low level of self-trust, I often get them to set little goals like, okay, I'm gonna drink X amount of water per day and I'm gonna go for one 10-minute walk a day. And so you might go, Stacey, that's super basic. However, the act of them doing those things and keeping those promises and achieving them consistently for more than 30 days, is that evidence for them that, hey, I can trust myself. I can do what I'm gonna say I'm gonna do. I can put me first. So don't underestimate those little things. And if you are one of those women who are just sitting waiting for time to be right, for life to be perfect, to get slower, to feel more confident, I encourage you, just go out and start doing things just 5% outside your comfort zone, or little tasks that you can know that you can achieve each week and notice the difference in the next couple of weeks, in the next couple of months, how you feel about yourself. Lesson number six, and I really love this one, is that your patterns make sense. Now, this is really important. So please listen. Most women are super harsh on themselves. However, when we actually slow down and we sit down and look at their patterns and we look at what's going underneath the surface, they actually make sense. So the people pleasing, the perfectionism, the control, the overthinking, the hyperindependence, whatever your favorite flavor is, those patterns usually started as a protection mechanism. Because at some point in your life, your brain learned that this keeps me safe. And what worked for you though, as a child or younger person may be just the thing that's exhausting you now as an adult. So instead of asking yourself, what's wrong with me, a really powerful question can be what happened that made this pattern necessary? This question can change everything. And it changes everything because shame can keep people stuck. However, understanding or making sense of your patterns creates that space for change. Lesson number seven. Healing isn't becoming someone new. And again, all of these lessons are important. However, this one was really relevant for me. I think that healing is remembering who you are before that survival mode took over. And a lot of women don't realize they've been in survival mode from a very young age, even if nothing bad happened and they had a good upbringing. No, maybe you had parents pushing you to do better at school and sport or whatever it is. And even though they were coming at you with love, it's created this belief or your behaviors or identity of if it's not perfect, it's not good enough. If I'm not perfect, I'm not good enough. And so maybe you don't actually know who you are at all or what you want. And you need to go back to one of the other lessons and start to map out your future self. However, if we frame this of healing is remembering who you were before survival mode took over, maybe that's last 10 years or so, thinking about who you were before the coping mechanisms come in, before the overthinking, before the pressure, the roles, wherever you are right now in your life, there is still you under there. And this, I think, is why retreats can impact so many women so deeply, is because they've actually just got space without all of the pressures of everyday life to just be them, to go deeper on who they are. And they may not have it all figured out by the end of the weekend. However, they've got a great head start to starting to get to know themselves on that deeper level. And I think a big part of women and their journeys is, you know, we don't need more information. There becomes a point where it is asking yourself those questions, getting past the, oh, I don't know who I am or I don't know, and having the space to do that. Like I think women need more space. They need to feel seen, heard, accepted, and loved just as they are. And whether that's coaching or retreats or simply making time for yourself every single week or fortnight or month, whatever you can give, having that space to think, feel, breathe is going to have a huge impact in reconnecting with yourself and figuring out what you want and who you are in your next chapter. Lesson number eight, emotional intelligence is a game changer. It is the game changer. If there's one thing that I could teach women and their families and everyone in the world, it would be the basics of emotional intelligence. This is the biggest gap in society. This is the biggest gap in generations. This is the biggest gap in the world. Now, emotional intelligence isn't just talking about your feelings. Emotional intelligence is asking yourself things like can you communicate clearly? Can you regulate your emotions? Can you pause before reacting? Can you self-reflect and take accountability for your actions instead of blaming everyone else? Can you have hard conversations? Can you repair relationships? Can you recognize your patterns in real time? And if you've answered yes to all of those, fantastic. And if you've answered no to some of those, this is the next step for you is starting to work on emotional intelligence. And of course, I'll do a shameless plug here. I have a six-week emotional intelligence course starting soon. And you're going to have access to over 70 videos that will help you across all areas of your life to, yes, one, increase your knowledge. However, give you tools and practical frameworks to actually implement it in real life. And by the end of it, you're going to have everything you need to answer yes to all of those questions. I think people underestimate emotional intelligence, like by teaching kids in schools English, maths, history, geography, science, and all the things. However, yes, some of those are really important for specific careers. If you don't have emotional intelligence, or the basics at least, it's going to affect your relationships, your parenting, your leadership, your business, your career, how you feel about yourself, your mental health, your emotional health, your confidence, your everything. It affects every single area because it essentially affects how you see the world and how you're responding and reacting to things. And so whilst whilst I've got a course releasing, it's not about giving women more information to consume. It's actually giving women the things that allow them to practice emotional intelligence in real life. If I told you it's going to take a hundred reps to not feel triggered by X scenario in your life and you just need to do these three steps each time, would you do it? Like if the pain or the frustration or the sadness or the hurt, whatever it is, was bad enough, you would. You just start getting through those hundred reps. Start chipping away. Lesson number nine, but almost there. Hang in there. You do not heal by avoiding discomfort. I don't know if this is my favorite. It's definitely up there. And I feel like this has been a big one on my journey too. A lot of women secretly want transformation without discomfort. Now, this is in mindset, this is in the gym, this is in their relationship, it's their parenting, it's in all areas. We kind of want the easy way, the shortcut. However, growth asks things from you. It asks you to stop hiding. It asks you to stop pretending. It asks you to stop waiting. It asks you to stop outsourcing your power to other people. And honestly, I see it. Some women stay stuck because familiar pain feels safer than unfamiliar growth, even when they know that that pattern is hurting them. Because your nervous system will always choose familiar over better until you teach it otherwise. And that is why change feels so uncomfortable initially. And maybe not just initially. Maybe it does take you a little while to get through that uncomfortable feelings because you are literally teaching your mind and body a new way to operate. Think of your mind as a computer. Are you still running that Windows 95 program? Is it time to update it? Because it can have a massive impact. And last but not least, lesson 10, your next chapter requires a different version of you. What has brought you here is not going to get you there. Whether that's life, business, career, health and fitness, every single area. When you are going into your next chapter, it requires that next version of you. And I seem to work with a lot of women who are in transition points in their life. And like they know that they've outgrown a version of themselves. Deep down they know it, but they haven't fully stepped into that next version of them yet. Because sometimes it's not an overnight process. Sometimes we can be in transition for years, and that middle space feels really uncomfortable. You know, you start questioning things, you start wondering, Am I going crazy? Your standards are changing and your priorities are shifting, and maybe it's creating tension with friends or family. And often what used to fulfill you doesn't hit that spot anymore. I see this a lot with mothers. You know, they pour so much into their children. And then when they grow up, they're kind of like, Who am I? And have that empty nesters syndrome. And it's not just them growing up and leaving home, it's even going from having babies to having kids in school. That's a massive transition point as well. Relationship changes, career changes, even moving into state changes. They're all transition points in our life. And I know myself personally, for a long time, I saw this as failure, but it's not good enough. I'm not as good as I used to be. I used to do this in the past. However, having the shift and seeing that as growth has been a massive thing for me. You are not supposed to stay the same forever. Like staying the same now scares me. I don't want to be this woman the next five years. I don't even want to be here in 12 months. Like bring all the growth. However, only a few years ago, growth scared the shit out of me. I was clinging on to the past and control. And for me, like I've lived more of my life in the last few years than I did the first 30 years of my life. And there's been some massive highs, there's been some some deep lows and everything in between. However, it's all brought me to here, to this version. So if you're feeling like you're in that transition and or maybe you're on the edge of transition, I want you to actually ask yourself, who am I becoming in my next chapter? Doesn't have to be your future self. This could be who do I want to be in the next few months. And I want you to go deep on that because I don't want you to go, oh, who I was in the past I want to be, or what do people expect of me to be? What do you actually want? And who do you actually want to become now? So that's it for today. A hundred episodes down. And if there's one thing I hope that you guys are getting from this podcast, it's that knowing of that you're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. You are the way you are because of conditioning, of patterns, of experiences you've had in your life. You're more than likely carrying things that you were never taught how to process. And though patterns and behaviors can change. They can change really quickly if we allow it. And your life doesn't have to stay the same just because it feels familiar. I know it may seem like a long road ahead. However, I know deep down that you can change your life. You can create the life that you want. You can feel fulfilled and happy and joy. You can do whatever you put your mind to. So thank you for being here for 100 episodes. And I look forward to recording the next 100. It's an absolute honor to be in your ears every week. And as you know, I've got a mission to help impact over a million women in my lifetime. And so please, if you found these lessons valuable, share it with another woman because you have no idea how much she may just need to hear this episode this week. Thank you so much, and I'll chat to you on the next episode.