S4 Ep #107 - When “I Should Be Grateful” Is Keeping You Stuck

Gratitude is powerful.

But what happens when “I should be grateful” becomes the sentence you use to shut down what you’re really feeling?

In this episode, Stacey explores the pressure women feel to appreciate the life they have, even when parts of it are no longer working.

Maybe you love your children deeply, but you’re exhausted by always being needed.

Maybe your partner is a good person, but you still feel lonely or unsupported.

Maybe you’re proud of the career or business you’ve built, but the way you’re living no longer feels sustainable.

And every time you acknowledge it, you quickly remind yourself that other people have it worse.

This isn’t an episode about being ungrateful or blowing up your life. 

It’s about recognising when gratitude has become a way of dismissing your needs, avoiding an uncomfortable conversation or convincing yourself to stay in a situation that needs to change.

Because you can appreciate what you have and still want something different.

You can be grateful for the life you’ve built and honest about the parts that no longer fit.

Both can be true.

Connect with Stacey on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/the_stacey_allison_/

Or via email:
stacey@staceyallison.com.au

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everybody and welcome to the Happy Healthy and Healing Podcast. My name is Stacy and I'm your host. And on today's episode, we're going to be speaking into the pressure to be grateful, can actually keep a lot of women stuck. Now, before we get into it, I'm actually considering changing the name of the podcast after four seasons, over a hundred episodes, so I would love to hear your feedback. I actually was just thinking of making it something simple like the Stacey Allison podcast. You know, as much as I love happy, healthy, and healing, and that is still the journey that I think I will forever be on, I was feeling like maybe do I just want something more streamlined and that, you know, that could open up different opportunities for me in terms of guests I get on and experiences. Like I could do a live podcast event, I could, you know, do so many things. So I'd love to hear your thoughts on changing the name. And, you know, as a listener, what you prefer in general with podcasts? Do you prefer like a catchy name for the podcast or the person's name's okay? Like, what do you actually prefer? I'm so curious because yeah, there's there's so many pros and cons for both sides of it. So yeah. All right, so let's get into it. So I think a lot of women secretly experience this and possibly just don't talk about it enough because they're gonna come across as ungrateful, right? What I'm seeing lately is this underlying tone on this pressure that women are putting on themselves to be grateful. And you know, gratitude is a great thing. Like I will bring a lot of my clients back to gratitude and shifting their perspective or their lens, especially when they're spiraling. You know, I believe truly there is so much value in noticing for yourself, you know, what's working, appreciating the things that you do have, and not constantly being in that cycle of, oh, I need to do this or achieve this or have this to be happy. So this isn't gonna be like an anti-gratitude episode. I 100% believe that it has its place. However, sometimes I do feel like a lot of women use gratitude in a way that stops them being honest about what's not working in their life. You know, some of the stories, and I know I've said a few of them myself before, is you'll tell yourself that you should be grateful. You should be grateful for the house you have, the car, the kids that you've got. Be grateful that your partner is a good person, hopefully, uh your kids are healthy, you got a roof over your head, be grateful because other people have it a lot harder than you do. And yes, like all of those things might be true. However, sometimes also underneath gratitude might be unhappiness. You know, there's the resentment, there's the exhaustion, there's the disappointment, and there's that part of you that knows that something needs to change in your life. And though what I see is happening is instead of listening to that part that knows that needs something needs to change, you immediately correct yourself and say, you know, don't be ungrateful. You've got a good life. Other people would love to have what you have. Or what more could you possibly want? You've got everything. So today I want to explore the difference between that genuine gratitude and gratitude that has become a way of silencing yourself and not listening to your own needs. So I think it's safe to say that a lot of people have been taught that being grateful makes you a good person. And you know, maybe it's not said in that way directly. However, that's like the underlying tone and belief that is pushed upon us. You know, a good woman is appreciative of her husband and how hard he works. She doesn't complain, she doesn't ask for too much. She knows how lucky she is, she notices how much everyone does for her. You know, she doesn't make a fuss or have an emotional explosion. She is thankful for everything that she has. And I feel like because of that, gratitude can become easily tied to our identity. You know, it's no longer something that we do feel, it's something that we believe that we should feel. And there's a real difference between the two. Like, real gratitude actually feels like peaceful and spacious and calming, and it allows you to appreciate something even though it's not perfect. Like for me, something simple that I'm grateful for is going to the beach. And like sometimes I would just sit there and cry with gratitude because I am literally so grateful that I am there and I have access to the beach regularly. I don't have to drive an hour and a half anymore to go to the beach. However, on the opposite side of things, forced gratitude actually feels like pressure. I'm sure you can relate to this one, is when you're feeling unhappy or you're feeling frustrated or you're feeling angry, whatever it is, and you go, Oh, but I shouldn't be. I should just be grateful for what I have. Like, can you hear that clear distinction and even go back to your own examples in your life between the two different types of gratitude? This one has been quite common lately with women is like I feel lonely in my relationship, but he's a good man. He doesn't control me or he doesn't beat me or whatever justification you give yourself. Another really common one with mums is oh yeah, you know, I I know I've lost myself, but I chose to have children, or even something as simple as like, I'm not quite enjoying my life right now, this chapter, but I'm so lucky compared to other people. And can you see here what's happening with the pattern is that what slowly happens is that you're using every good thing in your life as evidence that you're not allowed to want anything to change. And that's where gratitude becomes a real problem for a lot of women. Not because gratitude itself is harmful, but because we're trying to use it to argue against our own experience of what we're thinking, we're feeling. Like I say this a lot with women, you know, who are at a crossroads, whether it's a career, relationships, life, moving into state, whatever it is. It's like a big jump in their chapter and their identity. And they will use this gratitude against themselves so much. You know, and underneath, we know humans don't like change. Pushing outside of your comfort zone creates resistance, uncomfortable feelings, and too much of that. Humans just want to go back to their comfort zone, which isn't really that comfortable when you think about it, because otherwise, why would you want to change? However, their inner thoughts, their inner world will keep using that gratitude as a reason not to change. And the thing is, is that two things can be true. And I want you to remember that. Two things can always be true. You know, we have love and grief. They exist at exactly the same time, and they're both true. Just because one, you know, grief is often heavy and sad and you know, sometimes lonely. And then love on the opposite side is joyful and uh happy feeling and lighter feeling. However, they both can coexist. And so, like, two things can exist about you as well. You don't have to just keep defining yourself about where you are right now in your life based on your experiences up until now. Each of your experiences, you've picked a decision, made a decision, and gone with that. So if you know you can do that in the past, you can then choose different decisions for your future too. I see with mums so much. Like they feel like motherhood has consumed them. However, that doesn't mean that you love your children any less. Another two things that can both be true. You can be so grateful for the work that you do, your business, your career, and still admit that it's exhausting you. Or you can love your partner to pieces and still be honest that your needs are not being met. You can have a good life and still want something different. All of these things can coexist at once and they don't mean anything about you. You know, it doesn't mean that you're selfish or you're spoiled or you're ungrateful or whatever you want to label yourself as. It's like a lot of people get stuck in the black or white thinking. You know, if we admit that we're unhappy in one area, say in your career, it must mean that you're rejecting the rest of it. Or like if you admit that there's parts of motherhood you don't like, it must mean that you don't like being a mum. Or you're questioning your marriage. It must mean that your partner is terrible. Can you see how we make these rules unconsciously about ourselves? And these are the beliefs that are literally driving our behaviors, our patterns, things that are holding us back. It's because we create these rules about ourselves and about the world and go, oh, I need to stick to this one way of doing it. And if it doesn't fit the mold, then that must mean that it's a bad thing or I'm a bad person, whatever it is. And those rules, as we know, if you've listened, those rules are often passed down from our loved ones, our caregivers, our teachers, whoever we spend a lot of time with around childhood and even adulthood. We could have adopted beliefs from courses we've done or from people we've met. However, it is not always true. Like just because you have a belief, how do you know that it is 100% the truth for you in every single moment? It may be true right now, however, it may not be the truth later. Life is way more complicated than the black and white. There are all sorts of shades of gray and color in between. And as we continue to grow and evolve, like rewind 10, 20 years ago, you wouldn't be the same person back then as you are now. Like whether or not we like it or we consciously choose to take control of it, we are constantly growing and evolving. You know, there might be things that in the past you have deeply valued, however, they're no longer working for you in this current stage or their current form in your life. Like an easy example is, you know, relationships. You'll see a lot of teenage sweethearts who maybe they're breaking up in their 40s and 50s. And it's literally because they are different people and they haven't grown together, they've grown apart. Does that mean that their relationship was a waste? No. It means that they've changed. Their priorities and values have changed and they're no longer aligning. And it's actually the best decision for them to separate. Same with careers. It's like you may have done a career for so long in your life. That's who I am, that's what I do. And then maybe you've opened your awareness to there's so much more that you can do out there. Does that mean that your career was a waste? No. There would have been so many great times. There would have been so much that you've learned that you can take moving forward. And definitely with motherhood, like there's seasons where it is just the hard slog, like teaching your children how to sleep. That is a hard slog. Or even toilet training. I hated toilet training so much. It was relentless. However, I got through the process. And my point here is that you don't need to choose one truth and deny the other one. They can both coexist at once. Now, if we look at the two truths and what is true for us and true for others, if we take that another layer deeper and put it into the comparison trap, this is the quickest way that women will dismiss what they're feeling by comparing their life experience to someone else who has it worse. You know, you might have a difficult day, you might lose your call at your family, like whatever it is, and then immediately think, well, who am I to complain? I have healthy children. You might feel disconnected in your relationship and go, oh, well, at least he doesn't gamble, he doesn't cheat, he's not a bad person. You might feel overwhelmed in your business or career and go, oh, some people would love to be here and have this opportunity. You might hate your job and then tell yourself, oh, well, look how many people are unemployed at the moment. Like I am all for perspective and zooming out. It can be really helpful sometimes if we are fixating on something small and spiraling about it. Perspective can help us to come back to the now and what really matters. Like I'm all for it. However, perspective and dismissal of how you are feeling are not the same thing at all. Someone else having a really difficult experience doesn't automatically make your experience irrelevant. A couple of episodes ago, I spoke about the window of tolerance. And if you think about that, your tolerance to what you've emotionally experienced in your life up until now and your capacity right now, taking everything into consideration, might be here. And someone else's capacity might be here. However, that doesn't mean that you're experiencing it any less or worse than they are. Like if you broke your arm, you wouldn't refuse treatment at a hospital just because somebody broke two of their arms. Like that would be crazy to say I'm not gonna get this looked at because someone has a worse-off injury. You would understand that both of the people in hospital need support. They need help. However, emotionally, we do this all the time. And I'm gonna say most of the time, we're not even aware of what we're doing. Women will downplay themselves. They've created this imaginary scorecard that unless their problem is super serious, we don't need to pay attention to those. Like I've even seen women who have had breast cancer and literally they're just saying to themselves all the time, everything's fine, it's okay, people have it worse, like completely dismissing how they're feeling. You know, I'm very fortunate I haven't been there. However, I can only imagine that one day your life is running as normal, and then the next day you get a diagnosis that literally changes your life. Yes, I'm all for having a positive mindset and working through things. However, don't invalidate your experience just because people have it worse. You know, it's actually heartbreaking when I see that when women will just put themselves down or put their experience down and make it seem small when they are really hurting on the inside. And often they will keep hurting, playing it down, they will keep keeping their problems small, telling themselves I don't mean anything until they hit that breaking point. Maybe that is complete burnout. Maybe they're full of resentment, maybe their relationship has reached a full crisis point, or they can't stand their business or career anymore. And it's not just what happened on that day or in that week, it's because they've been having this mental battle with themselves probably for the last three years about whatever their problem is, and then completely dismissing how they're feeling and pushing it all down. That only works until it doesn't anymore. Now, because you know I love going deep, I want to add another layer to this gratitude pyramid that I've built. Sometimes gratitude is not only about being a good person. Sometimes gratitude is protecting us from making a difficult decision because once you finally admit that something isn't working, you'll actually have to take action to do something about it. Or you're just gonna keep spiraling for the next five years. You know, either or. And sometimes these difficult decisions also add another emotional layer. Think about having a difficult conversation that may upset someone. That's hard. Think about setting a boundary or even disappointing someone. You know, maybe you need to ask for help, make a financial decision. Maybe you need to change how you run your business or your career, or maybe you actually need to get honest with yourself and question this identity that you've built around your whole life. All of those things can feel incredibly uncomfortable. So sometimes it's actually easier just to remind you how lucky you are. I think it's not because women don't necessarily want to admit that truth to themselves. I think it's because that truth and admitting it might create a sense of responsibility. And I think this is why women stay stuck for a really long time in that low-grade, low-level pain, day in, day out, just going around the hamster wheel. Because they already know what's not working. They don't need any more clarity or awareness. But every time that inner voice pops up saying, hey, I'm really not happy, they shut it down. And they'll just tell themselves another story. Things aren't that bad. You're just being ungrateful, you're being over the top, you're expecting too much. Just be happy with what you've got. Or my favorite, just focus on the positives. There's always a positive. And just a side note though, not every decision requires your whole life to change. Like if you've had a bad week, I'm pretty sure you don't need to resign from your job. Okay. However, you do need to get honest about what you are experiencing and give yourself permission to actually feel it. If you need to schedule time in your calendar to be like, I'm really pissed off that this is happening at work. Go to a boxing class, like whack the pillow on your bed, whatever you need to do, stomp your feet. Just actually feel that frustration because emotions are energy in motion. They just want to move through us. You know, most emotions at their peak will last only 90 seconds. And yes, there may be bouts of 90 seconds plus 90 seconds plus 90 seconds. However, there will always be that downturn and break. And if you can just allow them to flow, that's not just going to get stored in your body then. There is a theory that emotions stored in our body can lead to dis ease in our body. There is a great book, The Secret Language of the Body, and every single physical disease, there is an emotional thing behind it. Now, I'm not here to diagnose and say this book is the Bible. However, for me, I go, well, it's a preventative. Like if I've got a migraine, I'll go to the book and I'll see what it says emotionally, like what's related to it, and I'll just self-reflect and go, well, is that true for me right now? And most of the time it's it's on point. And that self-reflection is such a big part. Like you need to get honest with yourself. If you can't be honest with yourself, who can you be honest with? By constantly dismissing yourself, you're just repeating this, just locking in that pattern that this is the way you need to live your life. This is who I need to be. Now I want to give you a real-time example of how this can work. Now I'm going to use like a business or career frame, or even when something looks successful from the outside. So your life might look great from the outside. So maybe you've worked incredibly hard to get where you are in your business or career. You've climbed the corporate ladder, you've got the clients, you've invested into yourself, you've finally got where you wanted to be. You're like, I've made it. However, what you didn't realize was going to come with it was that now that you've made the career, the position, you've got your business set up, it means that I have to be constantly available for other people. You know, your brain never switches off. Everything feels urgent in your body. You've created a business or career that has become dependent on you for everything. And then kicks in the guilt that you feel guilty for even thinking about changing it because this is exactly what you wanted. This is what you've worked so hard for. So you tell yourself, yep, you should be grateful and you can be grateful and you will recognize, yep, I've worked so hard to get here. I can appreciate my team, everyone who's helped me, all of my clients. You feel so proud of yourself for everything that you've done. And deep down though, you don't want to admit that the way that you've set it up is not sustainable. However, you are allowed to change the structure of something without rejecting its success. This doesn't mean that what you've done up until now was wasted or you've failed or whatever it is. It's brought you all here to right now. And it wasn't exactly what you thought it was going to be. And that's okay because you would have never known to expect this unless you actually went through the motions. Gratitude for your journey, for your path doesn't mean that you need to stay on that path forever. You literally can choose your own adventure and sidestep and move forward, move back, do what you want to do so it fits for your life. It feels great for you, and it's hitting your goals of fulfillment. Now, I want to leave you with a few questions about this because I really feel like this is only the tip of the iceberg in this conversation and something that I want you to allocate some time for this week. Because underneath all these layers are the gratitude. You know, we're getting down to that nitty-gritty of are you grateful or you're just afraid? You know, are you choosing to stay in your life right now, in whatever you're feeling needs to change, because it's genuinely what you want? Like you actually want to stay here, you're happy, you're fulfilled. Or are you using gratitude as a cover because you're afraid of what changing might require in your life? That seems far too overwhelming. And it might not just be logistics, you know, like, oh my gosh, if I leave my partner or move into state or change jobs, like there's a lot of logistics around that. However, it might also be like being afraid of being judged, afraid of regretting it, afraid of losing stability, afraid of discovering you made the wrong decision, afraid of it seeming difficult, afraid of people thinking that you've changed as a person. Or maybe it is even being afraid to want something different. Maybe you don't even know that you could access that in your life. And again, going deeper on these questions is going to allow you to name what is really happening underneath it all. Because if fear is making your decisions, gratitude should not get the credit. And another point to this actually is it's not just fear potentially that's under this. It's also about holding standards for yourself. You know, people will use gratitude to let their standards slide from others, like someone pushes your boundary. Like we use gratitude to let our boundaries slide and your standards slide. So what if you started to get curious and go, well, is this actually I'm dropping my standards for life, for what I want, for what I'm aspiring to? Because you don't need to change everything at once and blow up your life. You know, it could be something as simple as like, hey, this part isn't working right now. What's one little thing that I can do to change? So it's time to just get honest with yourself and go a little bit deeper from the surface level. You know, if you're telling yourself those stories, literally write that on a piece of paper and go, okay, but why? What does this mean? Whose belief is this? Like, start to really get curious. Why, why, why, why, why? And then you could create some statements at the end, like, I'm grateful for my family and I need support. I love my partner, however, we need to have an honest conversation about our relationship. I'm grateful for this opportunity in my career. However, right now it's not sustainable. I appreciate my life and I know there's things that need to change. Like, can you see the difference? Is you're actually acknowledging yourself and where you're at. And my last question to leave you with for this episode is where in life do you tell yourself that you should be grateful? And then notice what feeling comes up before that. You know, if it's anger, frustration, resentment, loneliness, exhaustion, whatever it is. And then once you've got the emotion, ask yourself, what are you afraid that it would mean if you admitted that something in your life needed to change? Would it make you selfish? Would it make you spoiled, disloyal, whatever it is? And if it's in particular about, you know, career or relationships, it could even be adding in there, what conversation or decision have you been avoiding by focusing on only the positives? So I want you to think about that. I want you to journal on it, dedicate the time because there are a lot of answers. We often have the answers that we need right in front of us. However, we don't spend enough time actually getting curious and answering the questions without shame, without guilt, without the feelings attached to it. It doesn't need to mean anything about you. So thank you so much for listening to today's episode. I really appreciate you guys tuning in every week. And, you know, just remember, gratitude is really powerful when it can help us see our lives clearly and for where we are right now in the present. It can be really unhelpful when it's convincing us to settle or to tolerate something that is damaging us or asking you to ignore your needs. Gratitude should help you, yes, appreciate your life. However, it should not prevent you from participating in your life. You are allowed to appreciate everything up until now. And you're also allowed to turn the page. Go into your next chapter. Two truths can exist at once. Remember that. Have a fantastic rest of your day, and I'll chat to you on the next episode.