S4 Ep #108 - When Calm Feels More Uncomfortable Than Chaos

You say you want less pressure, a quieter mind and more space to actually enjoy your life.

But then things finally calm down… and suddenly you’re checking emails, finding things to fix, starting another project, worrying about what you’ve forgotten or feeling strangely restless.

In this episode, Stacey explores why peace can sometimes feel more uncomfortable than pressure when you’ve spent years being the capable one.

The one who handles things.

The one people rely on.

The one who is always thinking three steps ahead.

Because sometimes we become so familiar with being needed, productive and under pressure that when there’s nothing urgent to solve, we don’t quite know what to do with ourselves.

This episode looks at the subtle ways we can create pressure without even realising it — in our work, relationships, businesses and everyday lives — and why slowing down isn’t always as simple as deciding you need more rest.

Stacey also leaves you with a handful of questions to help you notice what happens when life gets quiet, including whether you can actually let a good thing be good… without immediately looking for what needs fixing next.

If you’re the woman who keeps saying, “I just want my brain to be quiet,” this one might make you notice a few things.

Want to connect?

Come say hi on Instagram:
@the_stacey_allison_

Or if you prefer on Facebook:
facebook.com/stacey.allison.731

Email: stacey@staceyallison.com.au

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everybody and welcome to the Happy Healthy and Healing Podcast. My name is Stacey and I am your host. And on today's episode, we're going to be speaking into why peace can feel so uncomfortable when you're used to pressure. Now, I know a lot of you can relate to this, whether it's now or in the past. However, I want to go into it a little bit deeper. And I'm not sure if it's just because retreat is coming up in the next few weeks. However, what I'm noticing lately is a lot of women are saying things like, Stacey, I want to feel calmer, I want to feel more at peace. I just want to feel like regulated, or even things like they just want their brain to be quieter, they want to feel less pressure or feel like they're not so behind in life. And I'm going to say at the moment, 90% of the inquiries for retreat are about that. And I think this is really interesting because they say these things like they want to feel calmer or feel like life or business is easier or they're not waking up with a to-do list that's a hundred things long. However, when things actually get quiet and there's no fire, so to speak, to put out, like life is okay, work's okay, no one's upset with them, everything's running fairly smoothly. Instead of actually enjoying it, they start to look around and they start to go, what have I forgotten? This doesn't feel comfortable. What needs doing? What should I be working on? Or they start a new project at home, like tearing the linen closet apart. And I think this is a really interesting conversation because sometimes women assume that they actually want peace. Then they don't know what to do with it when it actually happens. And though looking at it from a pattern and shadow perspective, I'm not always sure that this is true, what they're saying, that the peace feeling that they're searching for. Because sometimes it feels like they're consciously saying, yes, I want peace. However, they feel so much more comfortable when they are under pressure. And that's not because they love drama or they love intentionally sabotaging their life or love being busy. It's because for them, pressure may be what's familiar. And familiar is powerful and often what we will seek unconsciously. Whatever is familiar to us, that's what we want more of. Doesn't matter whether that aligns to us right now, what we are used to, we will go out and seek more of. So if you think about this, maybe a woman who spent years just getting everything done, remembering all the appointments, organizes everything, fixes the problems, preempts the problems, and has 20 solutions about what she can do. Think about that woman. She's carrying the mental load. And she's really great to have in a crisis situation because she can think quickly on her feet. She can make big decisions when things are falling apart. You know, she can juggle everything like family, career, meal planning, bills, responsibilities, all of it, remembering that her kid needs a bookweek costume for next week. And I would say that she's been praised for these things more than once, not just by her family, but friends or society. And I just want to say there's nothing wrong with holding all of this and being able to do all of this. My issue with this is when it starts to become the normal thing that you're constantly searching for what needs my attention, what needs fixing, what haven't I done yet? Who needs something? And so when there's nothing to fix, it becomes really uncomfortable. And you will find something to fix or you will pick something apart. Or women can use this as a shield to often, it's all outward things, and it'll stop them from going internal and focusing on themselves. Because if they are busy fixing everyone else, they don't need to shine a light on themselves because that's even more uncomfortable. And though behind the scenes, like I see it on repeat, is that resentment, or there might be guilt or frustration or whatever they're feeling about having to do all of this? And so it goes in like this vicious cycle that there's no out. So, like if we bring this right back, because you might go, well, Stacy, yes, I am just busy. I've got kids, I've got work, I got this, I got hobbies. Yeah, great. However, what about of an evening when everyone's in bed and you finally sit down on the couch and maybe there's nothing you want to watch in particular? Do you go straight for your phone within a few minutes? Do you pick it up and start scrolling? Maybe you check your emails, you check Instagram, you check messages for the day, whatever it is. And then you suddenly will remember, I needed to do this task, and off you go, up you get. Or maybe if it's not, you know, that example, maybe it's in your business or your career. This needs doing, that needs doing, I need a new website, I need to go and have a meeting with this person that really could have been an email. Like you will create situations that you underneath feel like you're fixing to feel like you're being productive and accomplish something. And actually, I want to touch on that being about being productive, because I feel like this links for a lot of women to being productive. So if I'm under pressure, I'm working, if I'm busy, I'm achieving. If my brain is thinking about the next 10 steps, I'm being responsible, I'm I'm thinking things through. If I'm solving problems, I'm being useful. If people need me, I matter. And so when we do have that peace, those pockets of it, it feels like you're taking your foot off the accelerator. It's not productive to rest or to take time for you. It's like this unconscious belief that everyone around you is getting ahead while you're sitting and being present with your kids and playing. Peace doesn't have to just look like meditation and just sitting around. You know, it can look like going for a walk, can look like, as I said, being present and playing with your kids. It can look like reading a book, listening to a podcast. And though I'm sure you have felt somewhere along the line when you're doing some of those things, you're like, oh, I should be doing this, I should be doing that, or I feel like I've forgotten something. And that that there tells us so much because when did doing more automatically mean better? So more work, more goals, more projects, more thinking, more fixing. It's like we've been accustomed to constantly improving ourselves and our lives that sometimes we forget that we're actually allowed to just experience them. Now, I also see this not just about women being productive. I also see this in some women who have spent years in difficult relationships where there was a lot of tension. Now, relationship may not be a romantic one, it could be a friendship or it could be your parents, even what you've observed. And so if there was years of tension, inconsistency, or even uncertainty, like you weren't sure what mood you were going to get from a parent, then when those people do meet someone that is stable, you know, there's not the constant arguments, there's no roller coaster of emotional highs and lows, they often can find themselves thinking, is something missing, or this doesn't feel comfortable, it doesn't feel right for me. You know, maybe it kind of unconsciously feels boring or like you're looking for a spark. And this is because the stability that you're feeling right now isn't creating the same intensity or the same excitement that the uncertainty did. Now, this can all be unconscious. And this can take a little while to get used to. And often though, people will unconsciously create problems because that stable person or environment doesn't feel normal for them. So they go, something has to be wrong. And they'll go and create problems. And this is all unconscious, mind you. Another place that I see this is in regards to family. So if you've set a boundary with a difficult family member, you know, the one that for years, like every interaction has left you feeling on edge or worrying about upsetting them or preparing for conflict or replaying conversations afterwards. When you set that boundary and you reduce that contact with them, life is quieter and suddenly like there's this empty space. There's no drama or messages to uncode. And you would think on the surface that the people setting the boundary would feel like free after doing that. And sometimes they do. And then also sometimes there's this sense of like emptiness in their life because even though the dynamic between them and the family member was exhausting, it occupied a huge amount of mental space. And when something has occupied that mental space for so long, removing it doesn't tell you what you need to fill that space with instead. And I think like this conversation doesn't get talked about a lot in terms of personal development. I think the personal development industry talk a lot about leaving things, releasing things, maybe leaving relationships, setting boundaries, doing less, stop overworking, stop always being the responsible one. However, there is another question after that, after you've released it all. It is, who are you when you're no longer managing all of that? And I feel like that is in fact a more important question to work on because what will your mind do? It'll go back to safety. It'll go back to familiarity, it'll go back to what it knows. Because sometimes like these patterns aren't just the behaviors for people. Sometimes it becomes such a big part of their identity. You know, they are the ones that handle things. The one who works hard, the one who everyone calls, the one who just pushes through everything. That becomes the identity. And so if your identity is built around handling pressure, having peace can leave you temporarily wondering who you are without it. I think, from my opinion, this is why just telling people just slow down isn't really useful advice because intellectually they know that they need to slow down. You know, they're not sitting there thinking, oh, you know what would improve my life? More stress. They know. But if slowing down makes you feel restless or guilty or exposed, then just saying, oh, you just need to rest more kind of misses the point. We need to become curious about what happens when you try to rest. You know, what thoughts appear, what feelings appear, what does your brain suddenly want to go and do? Because that's where the interesting information is. And often the answer, the first answer won't be the full answer. Often you need to go a bit deeper because, you know, think about maybe if no one needs you, you feel irrelevant. And you won't think that first up. You will try and make yourself busy so you can avoid thinking about that and can avoid getting to the root cause of the problem and dealing with it. You so you will fill up your life. And I think there's one more layer deep to this, especially for the high-functioning, high-performing women who are super capable. Pressure gives you something very clear to respond to. So when there's a deadline, you know exactly what to do. When there's an emergency, you know what to do. When somebody needs help, you know what to do. When there's a target, you know what to do. And so when everything is urgent, there isn't much room for uncertainty. You just act. And this is where peace becomes different. Peace can create space, it can create questions. What do I want? Am I happy here? Do I still want to be doing this? And sometimes those questions are so much more confronting than checking your emails 30 times a day. Sometimes being busy is easier than having to hear yourself think, now because I like to play devil's advocate, this doesn't mean that every busy woman is avoiding her life. No. It isn't that simple. Okay. Sometimes life is genuinely busy. Like you have kids, you have work, you have commitments. But there is a difference between having a full life and having to fill up every second of your day, of your week, of your month, of your year. There's a difference between having responsibilities and creating more responsibilities for yourself. There's a difference between being ambitious and never fully stopping to appreciate how much you've achieved. And this weaves beautifully into the belief of nothing ever feels enough or I don't feel good enough. Because for a lot of men and women, it's not just about the goal of enough. Or was that big enough goal? What they keep doing is keep moving the finish line of themselves so they never fully stop and appreciate it. And that's not just with a business or career or saving for a holiday, whatever it is. I'm going to say that if you're resonating with this, it's going to be across multiple areas of your life. What I've also been noticing with a lot of women is that when they finally go, yeah, cool, I want to do some deeper work on myself, there's this phase almost where their familiar pattern is operating from that urgency, from that pressure. And we start to work through that. And then there's this resistance with, oh my God, this isn't working. Oh my God, I need to do this. And they start to unconsciously self-sabotage the work that they've been doing because that peaceful feeling doesn't feel right for them. And so they start to overthink, they start to overanalyze. Their brain starts to try and convince them that they need to go back to that because that's what felt familiar. And I find it super interesting when week one, I get them to start with a five-minute daily meditation for themselves. And the amount of women who struggle to actually do that, I would say almost everyone first week, because they are so used to that chaos, to that pressure. And so their brain, again, convinces them that it's a waste of time. Whereas what is a waste of time? Sitting there scrolling Netflix, scrolling social media, checking your emails and then checking your bank and then checking the weather, and then, you know, that ping-pong with your brain, that is the waste of time, but you're just filling up the space. And so I love being able to witness them on the journey of like they come in, we see their patterns, then work through rewiring them, and then it becomes the integration that's so important to become that new person and fill the space with the things that they actually want in their life. Now, when I say about meditation, I'd give my clients, I don't want it to turn into another to-do list. Like that is not the point. However, it's the point of showing them what happens when they do slow down. And it's super interesting to watch. And that peace or that relaxed feeling, it may not feel incredible immediately. Like it normally takes the women a few weeks to actually make it part of their days or their weeks. Like at the start, it's like clockwork going through, oh, it's boring, or my mind doesn't stop, or I should be doing something else. I don't have time, whatever it is. I think though, what happens is that they're confusing, unfamiliar for unsafe. And it's not like that. It's just that you have been wired in a high pressure, chaotic environment. That is what you're used to, what your system is used to. And we are working on changing that. Like if you've got that pattern wired a thousand times throughout your life into your brain and to your nervous system, it is gonna take time. And that unfamiliar place doesn't mean that it's unsafe or the wrong thing. It's just we're working on something new, we're becoming a new version of you. Your nervous system's learning a new process. It's like the computer programming. It's got to learn. So I want to leave you with a few questions. If you are someone who struggles with that peace feeling and feels like you've always got to be busy and do things, I want you to ask yourself this. When nothing urgent is happening, what do I automatically do? When I'm not under pressure and I've got time for myself, even if it's the end of the day, what do I do? The next question is where in your life are you creating pressure that isn't necessary or creating chaos? The next question is when something goes well, can you let yourself enjoy it before moving on? But the next question is, what do I believe would happen if I slowed down? Or what would people think of me if I slowed down a little bit? These are really important questions to ask yourself because through the answers, I can almost guarantee that you can see how much of your identity will be tied to being productive, being busy, ticking things off your to-do list, you know, proving to everyone that you're capable, whatever your favorite flavor is. And once you can get curious about these, we can start to shift them. We can start to go, no, these are the things that I actually want in my life. I don't want my mind to be racing 24-7. I want to be able to feel calmer. I don't want to feel on edge. I don't want to feel like I'm at capacity at the end of the day or even at the start of the day. These are all patterns that are unconsciously, sometimes consciously, running your life. And if they're a pattern that was created because you weren't born like that, then we can recreate a new one. However, it needs to be those small micro movements that are going to move the needle forward to create that real change. So thank you so much for listening to this episode. I really appreciate you being here. And if you feel open to it, I'd love for you to share your answers with me. And I'd be more than happy to chat about it and give you a task to help you move through this. Have a fantastic day, and I'll chat to you soon.