Finding Harmony: The Art of Balancing Relationships - Ep 007

Have you ever felt like a juggler in the circus of life, trying to keep all your relationships aloft while caring for yourself without dropping the ball? Join me, Coleen Myers, as I recount the highs and lows of finding that perfect equilibrium. Through my own trials as a single mother and the constant push and pull of friendships and romantic endeavors, I've discovered the sheer necessity of setting boundaries and the liberating power of the word "no." This episode isn't just about my story, though; it's about the universal dance of human connection and the grace we find in our missteps along the way.

It's easy to let the hustle of everyday life overshadow the bonds that mean the most to us. That's why I'm peeling back the curtain on the strategies that have helped me maintain and nurture the friendships and relationships that enrich my life. From honest communication to respecting one another's time, we'll unravel the essential elements that keep our connections thriving through every season of life. Whether it's scheduling regular check-ins or simply being there for the big moments, you'll walk away with a blueprint for forging deeper ties with those who matter most.

And for those wondering how to inject a little freshness into your routine? I've got you covered. We're talking about proactive steps to rejuvenate not just your relationships, but your approach to self-care as well. It's about finding that sweet spot where personal needs and the needs of loved ones co-exist in harmony. So, imagine a space where honesty, trust, and shared joy lay the groundwork for the relationships you've always wanted. Now, let's embark on that journey together, as I open the floor to your stories and questions, creating a community where balance isn't just a goal—it's our reality.

Chapters

• 0:00 Balancing Relationships and Self-Care
• 17:35 Maintaining Meaningful Friendships and Relationships
• 28:06 Building and Nurturing Meaningful Friendships
• 41:57 Prioritizing Relationships and Finding Balance

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to a striving butterfly podcast with your host, colleen Myers. So good to be in this seat again bringing you all another episode. It's been really difficult the last couple of weeks because the last couple of episodes have really challenged me and there's challenge those around me as well. I had to seat the Lord before I jumped straight on and gave another episode without really thinking through how it is. I'm going to approach this because I knew when I started down this journey, I knew that it wasn't gonna be the easiest. I knew it wasn't going to be the easiest and now that I'm on it I'm like I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I didn't know if it was going to be that hard. So, with that and having that time to reflect and think about all of what's going on, I thought I would do this episode about harmony in relationships, navigating friendships, romance and motherhood.

Speaker 1: 1:37

Really, having sat with it, really want to discuss the complexities of balancing relationships. How do you balance all the relationships that you have around you right now? How does everyone get your time? How do you know who to give your time to, knowing how many hours we have in a day? Like us, as women, we're multifaceted. Yes, we are. We can do everything, but one thing we sometimes struggle with is managing friendships, romantic connections and motherhood simultaneously.

Speaker 1: 2:47

Now my daughter is in her 20s, early 20s. Let me not make out that she's deep in the 20, making myself older than I am. No, she is at the top and, being at the age that she is, I've gone through all the hurdles as a mother who raised her daughter in a household where it was predominantly her on her own. Her dad is around, so I won't go on like her dad is not around. Her dad is around, but we were not together. And many of you will know, when you're not together with someone and you're raising a kid in a house, it is a very different than having someone around and having the dad around. So if you've done that, you know what it is like juggling school, shopping, bills, sickness, work, career, friends and romance. And after a while you learn that and I missed family, sisters, brothers, mum, dad, auntie, uncle. But after a while you realise, 20 years deep, you cannot keep everyone happy and you cannot always get it right. I have made so many mistakes as a mother because I was trying to do too much. I was trying to make her happy and balance out her well-being, as well as trying to show her what a strong mother looks like who still aspired to have her career and be successful in the skill that she crafted. So there was always a challenge and I made so many mistakes at being a mother. So when you're trying to juggle that, let's just slot in friendships, time being on the same page, being in the same area, having the same things in common isn't easy.

Speaker 1: 5:41

I've had different relationships over the years because you know there's a chunk of my time where I didn't go out because I had to stay at home and raise my daughter. There was a times when I have gone out excessively, when I did and how I spent my time, because it was short and I wanted it to be impactful, and with people that respected and knew my lifestyle and they weren't miserable. It was just we're going to have a good time and then you can go back to motherhood on Sunday night when she comes home, and then there's mum, dad, sister slotting it all in, slotting time. To see mum slotting time, to see dad change light bulbs, be a daughter, be a sister.

Speaker 1: 6:42

I wasn't great, I don't. I look now and I think I wasn't good at it and it's not throwing darts at myself. I haven't been great at any of it because I've tried to do too much. And one thing that has suffered, which is why I left it at the end, is my romantic connections, because my daughter came first, my mum, my sister, my dad and my friends, and there's there is many a times my friends have jumped in front, depending on life situations and life whatever's going on in that season and at that time, and there's a reason for that. But nothing can't make me think trumps my daughter. And it's interesting because when you're in your own scenario, when you're in your own life, sometimes you don't realise how other people have to prioritise their life. So we can easily judge, we can easily take offence, we can easily feel left out. Yes, we can juggle. As women we can juggle men, you can juggle. Some of you are really good.

Speaker 1: 8:19

I've noted in at friendships now and, looking at my relationships now and looking at myself as a mother, I know that I didn't get it right. But in the position that I am now and being aware of my mistakes, I will correct the mistakes that I have made by not trying to please everybody, because I can't, I can't. I can't keep everybody happy. I can't keep everybody happy. So I think it's really important to reflect on your current situation, your current surroundings, your current behaviours and are you being integral?

Speaker 1: 9:13

Wearing so many hats, having so many people to please, can be draining and however much you want to be the best, you got to remember how many hours there is in a day and how many there is that you need to sleep, and when you draw it all back and calculate it, there's not many at all. So it is really important to find harmony in your relationships, which is why, when you have relationships that are draining and they are pulling you down, weighing you down, tearing you apart Whether that's family, friends, romantic connections you have to take a moment to say hold on a minute, hold on a minute. What is going on? I need to hit pause, take a moment, recalibrate and get to grips with my life, because I can't have people tearing pieces out of me, because the important things I've got to do, I'm not going to be able to do them Because everything has been taken from me, which is why and I said it on my last pod self-care is so important.

Speaker 1: 11:23

Finding time for yourself is allowing you to maintain balance, allowing you to decompress, take out the toxins, detox, clear your mind, allowing you to have quality time with the Lord, your God be in the presence of an atmosphere that has you feel at peace. You cannot be everything for everyone, and if you were like me and tried to keep everyone happy, nine times out of ten, no one is happy. If you asked any of my friends, family, partner, who do I spend the most time with, everyone will have a different answer. No one will be happy. Everyone assumes it's somebody else when, in fact, most of my time is spent alone. Because I've learned to understand balancing and prioritizing my self-care and considering myself more. Because, without a doubt, no one's going to absolutely be over the moon and happy, because you just can't keep everyone happy. If you want to know how to consider yourself, listen to the previous pod on tips on self-care, because it is so important. Doing that. Last episode has had me take a different look on things, to try and reflect on where I may be falling short. I'm trying to improve a little bit more and learn from the mistakes, and a lot of that is prayer self-care. I treasure now the moments that I have with my mum, with my dad and with my daughter. I say that to say prioritize your self-care, think about your self-care routine.

Speaker 1: 14:02

While juggling friendships, romantic relationships and parenting, ensure you've put some time aside for yourself. No matter what happens, you're going to feel bad, whichever relationship it is. You cannot be perfect in all of them. You cannot be great in all of them, which is why it's really important to have the right people around you at the right time, because those who know you just know. I don't take offence because I haven't seen you. I don't take offence because I haven't spoken to you. I don't take offence because you haven't messaged me. I don't take offence because I ain't heard from you Because you're feeding, you're paying bills, you're working, you're doing presentations, you're dropping off for childcare, you're checking in with mum, making sure dad's ready for whatever he has to do. So when you've got so many things to juggle, it is so important to ensure the right people are around you so you don't feel bad for giving time to yourself, being a mother, having a partner and being a friend.

Speaker 1: 15:32

It is really important to incorporate steps to ensure you are not ignoring yourself and trying to be all things to everybody. You're not going to make everyone happy. You're not going to tick all the boxes, but what you will do and what you can do is put yourself first, and that sounds really bad, but everybody else does. Everybody else is considering themselves, without realising it, whether it's I need your time, I need your attention, I need you to listen to me. You're not giving me enough attention At this moment is really really important to me, without realising. To them could be multiple people. That is I, I, I and I. What about you? What is right for you? Sometimes stepping back to have a look in, giving like a good bird's eye view, you can have a look and think you know what? I'm just everywhere, but I'm not good at anything. I'm not keeping anyone happy. So let me sort myself out, let me have a decent routine with myself and then, from putting myself first and seeing what I'm doing right, what I'm doing wrong, what I can do better, what I need, I can then go forward to improve the mistakes or correct the mistakes that I've made.

Speaker 1: 17:35

Some friendships and relationships won't last Because some people need a lot of time. Some people are also only around for seasons, and that's okay. It's distinguishing and understanding the difference and knowing it was great when it was. But you know what? I'm in a different space, I'm in a different season, I'm in a different place. Children are getting older, parents are getting older. My time is really small and slim, so I need to do X, y and Z with him, her and he or whatever. So put yourself first.

Speaker 1: 18:41

You're most probably thinking I don't want to be a crap friend, because I sure don't want to be a crap friend and I know I'm not the best. But I think it's really important in friendships to communicate, set in boundaries and making time for your friends in your busy life is really really important, and I think I have tripped up on every single one. I think I've got some friends that just get it and just get me, and I love that. And then I have friends that just need a bit more. I know maintaining meaningful friendships as a mature lady involves navigating various life responsibilities while nurturing genuine connections. How do you do that? I'm going to give you these tips, because these are the tips I'm trying to use on myself and I have used, I've used in my relationship.

Speaker 1: 19:54

One is communication is key, having open and honest communication with friends. Life gets busy like. Things change. People change because of how life gets busier. It's also how we manage and deal with a busier lifestyle, so finding a way to stay connected is crucial. Some people need face to face connections. Some people are fine in groups. Some people like to talk on the phone. I think it's really important to utilize various communication channels and put in regular catch up calls to use in WhatsApp and the groups.

Speaker 1: 20:54

Sending your memes is still connecting. Yes, you're not having a conversation, but conversations do spark. Don't just send the meme, like send a message and try and find out when's a good time to talk or when's a good time to meet up or when's a good time to message and get a response. Or is this a season where you just need to be shut off and I may throw messages at you but I may not get much back because you're busy? Bridge the gap by understanding your friend, but also fostering that open communication and being honest, like be honest when it happens, even if you feel some type of way. Be honest and transparent with it then and there, so you can deal with it then and there. And the same things I'm telling you can also be applied in your relationships, not just friendships, relationships as well.

Speaker 1: 22:18

Quality over quantity. Prioritize quality time spent with your friends and your partner over the quantity of interactions. We thrive in relationships when we share experiences and deep conversations. I live in this office. In a previous relationship, I continue to live in the office. Even though someone was here to visit me, I stayed in my office and that came back to me in feedback. So in a new relationship, even with my mom and my daughter, same relationships. They get at me because I'm always in my office. So now I make a conscious decision to shut off and be present. Be present in the moment, because you won't get that time back. Understand both of you, whether it's your mom, your daughter, your partner or your friend, have evolving priorities. So when they make an effort and you make the effort, create memorable moments together. Sometimes it doesn't always have to be big and lavish, it's the small moments that matter. You'll be surprised.

Speaker 1: 23:59

Never is understanding life phases. Recognize that you or your friend may be in a different season in their life. Some are focused on being a mother or a father, navigating parenthood or empty nesting. Definitely got that when Kyla left. That is why one has Sabian and then some are very much driven to career goals and finding themselves.

Speaker 1: 24:36

When you understand life phases. Do not ignore. Do not ignore what they are telling you and what you are seeing. Don't take it so personal because they're not or you're not in the same season as them. And don't take it personal if you don't understand the season. Make sure you have empathy. Make sure you know how to communicate. Make sure you know how to understand and contribute to maintaining friendships through life's diverse challenges.

Speaker 1: 25:24

So one friend is going right and you are heading left. You may have to turn right for a short period to drag them over to the centre line so you both meet halfway. Or you may need to continue to go left and they go right. But it doesn't mean that that is the end of the road. It may mean we may need to go in different directions to go through this phase, to meet back up again and at that moment you may meet different people. Different people may come into your life. Different people may have an impact.

Speaker 1: 26:12

As long as you're honest, as long as you're transparent, then you both can maintain the friendship that you have set in boundaries. This is a tricky one for female relationships, without having some conflict, because it always feels quite personal. Get your back up. But it's important to establish clear boundaries to ensure that there's a healthy balance between life, work and friendships whichever friendship that is. Communicate openly about what you can do, what you can't do, what you will respect and what you won't respect, but also respect their time and their commitments as well, meaning how you communicate with them, how you understand where they're at and how they're coming to you. It then allows you to address how you're gonna navigate the boundary that has been set in front of you. Don't take it all as a negative. It just means I need to respect what you're saying and you need to respect what I'm saying, because there's a reason why we have to set boundaries, because there's parts of my life you cannot see and there's parts of their life you cannot see. So because of that, when they've set a boundary, you just got to meet because you don't know what's going on in someone else's household or life, and there's reasons for that.

Speaker 1: 28:06

When you are with your friends and when you have time to spend with your friends and your loved ones and your partners, do things where you have the same interests and just get involved in different activities. It's great to sit down and have a coffee, even if you try different restaurants because you love food, like go to a museum, walk around the charity shops, always. You can have so many interesting conversations, get involved in each other's interests, just so that the moment isn't caught up with the two of you sitting in front, two, three, four, five, however many there is of you sitting in front of each other just sipping on. Well, for me it's a hot chocolate or tea or a coffee. Do things that bring joy and fulfillment so you can laugh in months, days, years to come, at the moments that you spent together.

Speaker 1: 29:28

Build your connection. Don't just let it be based on you know doing what you see happening on social. Do what you feel is right. Some people have friendships where you pray together. I have my prayer group. Some people have friendships where you just shop together or you'd like to try different foods. Flip it about go to a museum then go to the restaurant. Go to the cinema then go to the restaurant, talk about the movie, meet up before anything the same sort of jazz and excitement that you will have with your partner. Have the same with your friendships, because if someone asks you out on a date, you'd get up, you spruce up, you do everything and if they say, I'm not telling you where we're going. You might be like, but you go if you like the person. Be the same with your friendships. Make the effort, make the time, do something different. Don't be so reliant on one person to do it. Make it be group. All of you communicate and decide and plan to have something to enjoy and then have it be separate to when you should be celebrating milestones.

Speaker 1: 31:01

Acknowledge and celebrate important milestones with your friends and your loved ones, and it doesn't have to just be birthdays. And this is where sometimes things get lost because they're not communicated or you haven't told the other person, you haven't told your friends, you haven't told your partner, you haven't told your parents. So you may have kept it to yourself, and I've sometimes done it. You kept it to yourself, or you told one person, assuming that you told someone else and you haven't given your friends and your family a time to just appreciate that moment. Appreciate that time to just celebrate you Same. Vice versa, celebrate your friends, celebrate them achievements, the challenges that they overcome. Expressing support enhances the bond. So when you share the achievements and they will share their achievements back with you, it just tightens the relationship that you have and it builds trust.

Speaker 1: 32:19

Listen quality listening, be an empathetic and active listener. Have a genuine interest in your friends life. It is so important to not just talk at but to listen. That's what I mean by quality listening, not you doing the constant talking, talking, talking, talking. Take a breath and let your friend just go off with the chit chat and just take a moment to understand where they're at. Have a genuine interest in your friends life, and your friend should have a genuine interest in your life. If they don't, I think you have to consider are they actually the friend that you need and want? Don't keep friends for the sake of thinking it's good to have loads of friends and I say this to also go on to my next point in saying quality over quantity so when your friends actually need you, you can be there. Because emotional support is so important.

Speaker 1: 34:07

Mature friendships thrive on a foundation of trust, understanding and the ability to lean on each other during tough times. Now, everyone deals with tough times differently. Make sure you are there to offer your friend support during rough times and make sure that it is just not one sided, but also build friendships where you know that your friend can tell you what is going on and doesn't get caught up in the fact that you're busy, they're busy, you got this going on, they've got that going on, that they don't want to bother you. I am great at that. I don't want to bother them. I don't want to bother them.

Speaker 1: 35:01

Tell your friend your friend's your friend for a reason. Tell your friend they ain't there to mind read, they're not there to think. No, no one's there to mind read, no one's there to pluck it out of you. Everyone's different. Some people freely give information, some people take a little bit more time. So take a moment and just give it a try. Just if you class that person as your friend and you honestly can trust them, honestly, offload, just offload and see what response you get back. You can't expect someone to give you all and you're not giving all back. And I'm talking to myself, so I'm talking to myself here.

Speaker 1: 36:01

It works both ways. Once you build and be that emotional support, once you're given that quality listening, then after you've had those discussions, you've adapted to changes of different seasons and styles. So make sure you adapt. Adaptability is so important. Don't assume what happened a year ago is going to happen this year. Embrace adaptability in friendships. Life is dynamic. We don't know what it's going to throw at us. We don't know the things that we prayed for a few years ago and not just going to drop on our doorstep. We can't plan for losses. We can't plan for breakdowns. So be flexible and navigate changes without straining relationships. Be open to evolving dynamics and understand that the intensity of interactions may epp and flow. And once you've understood all of that, make sure you schedule regular check-ins a quick message, a brief chat, a call, just so that you show your maintaining that connection and that you're showing interest and that it works both ways. Ultimately, the dynamics of maintaining meaningful relationships and friendships as a mature lady or man involve intention, adaptability and a commitment to nurturing those connections amid life's ever changing landscapes.

Speaker 1: 38:35

Now, I've learned a lot the last couple of years about friendships and I'm still learning. I've made a lot of changes. One of them is learning to be a lot more vulnerable in my relationship. Being more vulnerable has allowed me to be a little bit more open with who I am and who I want to be, and I don't think I was always the greatest friend. I was a good friend, but I don't know if it was always to every friend that I have, because trust is a big thing. If I'm 80% trust in you, you won't get all out of me, but if I trust you, you'll hear everything. But sometimes if I'm being 80%, someone else is being 80%. So why are you expecting more, colleen, when you yourself are not given more? And I've learned that and through the steps of nurturing a friendship and through the steps of prioritising self-care, has allowed me to build the foundations of relationship that I'm in now.

Speaker 1: 39:59

So I say that to say, put yourself first, let your guard down and nurture what you have around you, the things that you treasure around you. When you take a moment to nurture your friendships, when you take a moment to prioritise yourself, when you take a moment to know you cannot make everybody happy, when you take a moment to reflect on those that you have around you, it's the finer things that you see and appreciate, it's the finer things that you realise and notice. Because before you're just going, going, going, before you're just on autopilot, before you're just, yeah, that works. So let me just do it again. I'm going to drop Johnny to my mum's, because that works, and then I'm going to go through the door, pick up Johnny. Mum's going to put the coat on, get in the car, go home and we're good. Phone mum in the evening, catch up, maybe go to her house on the weekend on a Saturday, get my food and then go out with the girls in the evening. Ah yeah, then I'm going to see Peter on Sunday and we're going to go to the cinema, because that's what we usually do, you know have a chat, get something to eat and then, you know, got work in the morning.

Speaker 1: 41:57

Switch it up, switch it all the way up, my mum coming into the house to chill out. Once I pick Johnny up. And you know what, babe, I don't want to go to cinema on Sunday. Let's do something different. Let's go somewhere different. Let's go for a drive, let's go Brighton, or let's just mong in front of the TV and chat, or let's just go and get something to eat and walk, go for a walk. Switch it up. Girl, what you doing this weekend? I haven't seen you in four weeks, like, are you alive? Let's go and get our nails done. Let's go and get something to eat. Let's go and have some drinks. Ah, can't do this weekend. Let's get a date in the diary.

Speaker 1: 42:53

Your calendar needs to be your best friend. You need to be your own best friend. You need to look after yourself and you need to nurture the relationships that you have around you. But don't be scared to just be the first one to make the first step and it may come as a surprise to your friend, but then they may also need that and want that, and then you're going to see it be reciprocated and then that's how you're going to nurture it little by little, little by little. If trust has been broken, you can rebuild it. If love has been lost, you can spark that love all over again. But don't give up. In a sense, where we all understand life complexities and balancing everything can be a lot.

Speaker 1: 44:04

But take a moment to just first of all prioritise the relationships that you want to focus on building, rebuilding, improving, enhancing. Who are they? List them out. Then look at the list. If you've got 12 people on the list, can you do all 12 this year? If you can, then do that.

Speaker 1: 44:37

If you can't reflect on what is your focus for this year, do not forget yourself. So I've got to put myself first. I've got to put child first, whatever it is, whatever, I've got to put child first. And then I've got to look at family, friends and partner, and when you list those out and when you look at those out, you then also will question is there a reason why this isn't working? Because I've been serving all these other people and given the same energy to all these people as everybody else. So person over here is moaning because I've invested my time and effort in areas and haven't balanced them out. So jot everyone down, put yourself at the top and then wear your priorities.

Speaker 1: 45:46

Who are your priorities? Who do you want to build and work on to improve that relationship, and who do you need to keep as a friend but say we need to have a conversation because life is busy and that is where communication and just adapting to life's changes and discussing things that may be slightly different of communication styles things may be different because of what is happening in my life at the moment being honest and transparent and let them share back, and it shouldn't be about devaluing or saying you're not there so I'm going to move you down the pecking list. It's just at this moment in time I'm doing too much and I need to put mum and dad first, and then I've also got a look after child. I've also got to maintain myself. So when I calculate everything. I can't do that because then when you really do look at it, you question am I ready for a relationship because I've got to give someone time, or why is my relationship falling down because I don't have any time? One thing has to be sacrificed, and sometimes people say no, I'm not sacrificing anything, but you will without realising, because someone's gonna be hurt somewhere. So have the conversation, work through it, because you definitely can navigate through friendships, romance and motherhood. You've just got to reflect, understand and find harmony in the multi-faceted friends, partners, parents and people that you have around you.

Speaker 1: 48:29

I was gonna cover some other points, but I think I'm gonna break them up in other episodes. I just want to say thank you for listening and engaging with me. Share your questions via email, dm, however you can reach me, send me your questions. I wanna know what you're going through, how you're coping, how you're dealing with it. All your thoughts, your experiences. Let me know. In the next episode, I'm gonna go through balancing romantic connections while being a single mother. I'm gonna share my story. I gave you some of it in this episode. I'm gonna go a little bit deeper, share some practical tips and why it is important to find balance. Don't forget to share this pod with someone else. Give it a thumbs up, a like. Also comment, talk with me. I'm still new at this, I'm still finding my way, but I am grateful for the feedback and catch me soon. I am your host, colleen Myers, and you've been listening to the Striving Butterfly podcast. Speak soon.