Navigating Love and Independence: Building Trust & Flourishing Alone - Ep 008

Every mother has her battles, but it's the scars from the heart that often tell the most touching tales. Let me, Coleen, be your confidante on the Striving Butterfly podcast as I bare my soul about the dance of dating while mastering the steps of single parenthood. From the days where a romantic spark was the furthest thing from my mind to the surprising yearning for someone to share life's moments with, I've navigated the complex choreography of love and independence. Through my narrative, you'll see just how I've come to appreciate my self-sufficiency, even as it occasionally fenced me in from forming new, profound connections.

Prepare to be moved as we unravel the delicate fabric of trust and communication that makes or breaks budding relationships. As challenges bloom with the introduction of my teenage daughter to prospective partners, I share the essential role that friends and family play in my journey of growth. In intimate detail, this episode unfolds the essential elements of creating space for new love—boundary setting, vulnerability, and the embrace of authenticity. So whether you're a single parent navigating similar waters or simply someone in search of genuine connection, join us for an episode that promises to be not just enlightening but affirming of the paths we choose in love and life.

Chapters

• 0:01 Navigating Relationships as a Single Mother
• 17:37 Embracing Vulnerability and Authenticity
• 39:51 Building Trust in Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

This is the Striving Butterfly podcast. Hey everybody, this is Colleen, your host for the Striving Butterfly podcast. The Striving Butterfly is a storytelling podcast that takes you on a deep dive into my own personal journey, where I sit down and reveal the ups and downs of navigating life, all while battling trauma, disappointment, heartbreak and failure. The aim is to encourage, empower and to help you restore what you've lost or hidden due to past mistakes and events, which has caused you to wear an armour and to hide your true self. Hello, hello, hello and welcome to another episode of a Striving Butterfly. I am your host, colleen, and if you are new here, well, welcome, welcome, welcome. And if this is not a newbie I'm speaking to, then woohoo, hey. In the last couple of episodes, I've just been talking about self care, vulnerability and the harmony of friendships. It's been a whirlwind, as I am now on episode 8. I think it is a key time and a moment to talk about relationships and navigating romantic connections and relationship whilst being a single mother. Now, this is my story and everyone has different stories and journeys, so I'm sharing this with you and those that can relate will relate, and some of you may have a different story, but some of the tips that I will share. I hope you will be able to apply them and along the way, in the relationships that you get into and the romantic connections you explore Now.

Speaker 1: 2:21

I've had a series of relationships and raising my daughter predominantly on my own in a household. There's a lot of complexities of dating. While parenting there's no real room for dating because all that you're doing, all that you're focusing on, is baby slash, child, toddler, infant and yourself and yourself is so, so low that it can also be missed. So when I started out parenting my daughter, looking for a romantic connection was not at the top of my list. But when she came to the age of I want to say at least two, I felt like I wanted attention again. I felt like I wanted a romantic connection because my daughter's dad and myself we didn't work out. It felt apart really, really quickly after I gave birth, literally from a couple months after having my daughter, from being in a relationship.

Speaker 1: 3:47

I was single, so grieving the relationship, raising a child, feeling unattractive. Because I've just had a child. My body is now different, I look different, I feel different. You know everything was in child, invested in child, so didn't dole myself up. There was no makeup, there was nothing fancy I couldn't fit, still in my clothes, everything was clunky. So going back out there on the scene wasn't even on my list and with my network which was so small, there wasn't really much time.

Speaker 1: 4:30

I think it literally took a couple of years for me to feel comfortable in myself and explore different relationships. But I never really got into dating. No one was really taking me out, it was very much just hanging out in cars or houses and downstairs from my flat because, being a mum, I just didn't have time like. I used to get so much help from my mum and my sister that always asking them can you look after because I want to go out on a date, because I want to do this, because I want to do that, wasn't always so feasible and I think what it done to me as a person was made me very independent and, as I was mentioned before, a bit hard-faced, because now I'm on my own, now I have my own flat, not living with my mum anymore, so putting things together, building, cooking, cleaning, working everything I just did by myself. So when years go by and you sort of find yourself again and you're feeling a little sexy and you want to explore. It makes it really hard for a guy to now enter the life and want to do for you because, really untruly, you've been doing life yourself for the last couple of years. So he needs to be everything and more than you expected. But I didn't know this, so I literally was absorbing and spitting out, absorbing and spitting out.

Speaker 1: 6:19

I had a couple of really good relationships, but they didn't work out. And then I went through a quite a long phase of just being single because I just didn't know what I wanted. I felt like I was getting into things just so I wasn't alone. But I was also meeting people that weren't here for a lifetime. Well, I thought they weren't here for a lifetime. So what happens? That thick wall that started right at the beginning gets even thicker and when someone good comes along, you don't actually notice it because you start picking and choosing and no, I want this. So this is not right, that's not right. No, I can do this for myself, had a bit of an attitude, had a bit of I can do all things. There's some really good men I've met. I've lost, because they most probably thought she's, she's great, she's got her head on about her, but she has a child and she's hard work, because I definitely got my mojo back and I definitely knew how to meet people.

Speaker 1: 7:47

So going out all the time meeting people, chewing them in and chewing them out made me end up being single for a very long time, and I did a lot of traveling in that time, spending a lot of time with my friend and a lot of self reflection. And then I met someone and got into a relationship with someone I should have never got into because he was so obsessive so obsessive to a point that it was like we do it. What you actually do. It is like I got bored of being single and I thought this might be fun. Wasn't fun, it was just too intense. You know when you're like I wanna be in a relationship and I wanna have really good fun and meet someone who's all about me, and then you meet someone and they're obsessive and you're just like this is too much to the point, it's choking me. So then I ran Thinking about it now, was I right for running? Yes, should I have even got into a relationship? No, I shouldn't have. But obviously I didn't learn.

Speaker 1: 9:12

So I took some more time out and questioned a few things and then ended up in a relationship that really flipped me on my head. It took me so far out of my comfort zone that it allowed me to really rediscover myself. It brought me closer to my faith and challenged me as a girlfriend, partner, significant other, because the last couple of years I was single or just messing around, and then the other relationships I was in I didn't always treat him right and the previous relationship from that we just didn't work out. Then the previous relationship, it was just like repeated patterns over and over and over again. So I was like not this time, not this time, god, I prayed, I seek to the Lord real, real hard. And it was right. It was the right relationship that I was in at the time that I needed. It was a great support, pulled me all the way through, allowed me to grow, allowed me to understand myself and challenged me as an individual to not always be strong headed and to allow someone else to take the weight off.

Speaker 1: 11:03

But after years and it was a good few years, maybe more than a few years we grew apart. We got too comfortable, too too comfortable with each other that we grew apart because we didn't appreciate each other the way we should have. We weren't married but we acted like a married couple. So we missed the dating, we missed just hanging out. We didn't travel, we didn't so many little bits and bobs because we aged our relationship before it was even required. So I fought and he definitely fought.

Speaker 1: 11:44

It was time that we went our separate ways, and we did, and it hurt, it broke me because this was my best friend, but it was the right thing to do, because it was the time I realized that I need to get up, I need to embrace the person that I always wanted to be, not being so independent, not being so hard-faced, not always putting up such a front and not allowing anybody in. I got to a point where I thought I've achieved enough to allow me to take my foot off the gas and just enjoy life a little more. And I met someone, didn't even know, didn't plan, didn't I don't have no words. I have no words. I have no words, but I didn't plan it. It was like a rushing wind that hit me and a friend who I had known for years became a romantic connection and it challenged me in all areas because we had been friends for so long.

Speaker 1: 13:15

So you question is this right? Is this another one, colleen, where you're just here to do temporary filler? Are you trying to take away her from existing relationships and ignore? Like answering so many different questions? But I took time out, I prayed about it, I really prayed about it and I felt it was time. It was time for me to allow someone and this was a time where I take my foot off the gas and put myself first. And it's not put myself first and be in a relationship. It means put myself first and everything else around me is going to work the way it should or it's meant to be.

Speaker 1: 14:04

Because before I was young, fast and just living this crazy lifestyle. It was good, but, yeah, that was then. And then I became a mother and it was all about my daughter, all everything. Nothing would have changed there. She grew up, she left and then it was just me. My relationship had fallen down, the previous one.

Speaker 1: 14:29

So I had a moment when it was like check yourself and check everything around you and I realized all the holes. I wanted to feel them and I wanted to feel them with the right thing and I thought it was the right time. So I got in something with someone who basically said I will fill all those holes, everything that I can see. I'm gonna fill it and fix it. And you know, when you're like, yeah, whatever, sweet, talking me, wanna get in my pants, and literally that's it. But there was something about this that felt different, so different. So I thought you got nothing to lose. And I remember talking to my bestie about it. She was just like, just go for it and see. But this time I said I'm gonna do things different. It's not gonna be the same. I've gone through a really long relationship. I've gone through raising my daughter. This time needs to be different.

Speaker 1: 15:39

I cannot be in my forties and not had learned anything in my twenties and my forties to make this what it's meant to be. If someone's coming to me telling me they're going to fill all the holes and give me all that I desire and more, because they had been admiring me for the last couple of years or throughout our friendship, then I've got to be able to be ready for that, to be able to give something back. I knew then that I had grown and I'm embracing my own identity. I knew what I was doing in life. I knew where I wanted to go. I knew what I deserved. It was so important that someone who admired me understood who I was as a woman, as a mother and as a friend, because I had come too far to be someone different. I said to myself if I start to start dating this person, then I'm definitely going to be me. I'm going to be all of me. I'm not going to hide anything because I'm done hiding anything. I'm done sacrificing who I am to entertain and be more appealing to someone. Now, if they say they want all of me, they're going to have all of me. Then the next part is when we started to date.

Speaker 1: 17:37

It was really interesting the early conversations that we had, because it was important for us to have conversations, known the other relationships that I had been in. I made it very clear this is what I want, these are my boundaries, these are what I'll accept and what I won't accept, but not only that. These are the things I want to do and this is me. After having those conversations and, being quite frank, it was really refreshing, so refreshing, but at the same time it was so scary, because it was like I hear you and I'm okay with that and I can do that, and it was like is this person real? Are they really just saying this because they want to just go with the flow, or do they mean this? Let me just not be who I usually am. Try and challenge it a little further than it needed to be, try and stretch the person even harder than they needed to be stretched, and I thought you know what? Let me enjoy this.

Speaker 1: 19:14

If someone says they want to do all of this, if someone says they want to make me happy, they want to love me and they want to take this to the next level, then stop thinking about the past, stop thinking about what hurt you before Colleen, stop thinking about all the holes that you think they can see and they're not going to like. Go along with the ride and take every fall, every past experience, every boundary that someone put on you before, to say, no, you can't do that because of this, this, this, this, this, and just go with it. You've already embraced who you are. You've already established that in this season that you're in needs to be about you. You've communicated with them your heart's desires and you've been transparent about raising your daughter and your priorities and your past experiences. And then you've set boundaries. So what is there to lose. I had nothing to lose, so I explored it and I loved it.

Speaker 1: 20:42

I just loved the feeling of someone asking me to get dressed up because we're going out and I was like, what does this mean? Someone opening the door for me and letting me sit in the passenger seat, someone just seeing me come down the stairs and say how beautiful you look, and you actually looking at them and thinking, right, you mean that there's someone who literally was just there to talk and to get to know you. There's someone that you never thought you would be getting into a relationship. Now feelings start to grow and now you establish that being vulnerable, being yourself, being authentic, has allowed you to soften and by softening, a man has now come into your life and has become like a guard to say you can be as soft as you need to be, because I got you and I love that, but remember, I'm still a mother you can enjoy and everything is having fun and establishing it and going with the flow and not feeling any pressure and thinking, yeah, this is good, but then there's a pause moment because it's been a little bit hush hush, it's been a little bit secret because of the connections you both have. Now you think it's the right time and the right moment to tell your daughter.

Speaker 1: 22:39

We were still dating and exploring, but I thought this is different, so I need to integrate my daughter into this. So she knows and that was tricky she had met him, she had known him. It wasn't that long since my previous relationship. There were so many unanswered questions and I didn't have the answers. I didn't, but I had told myself I'm not going to have a relationship in secret. If I need to be all of me and I wanted to take this serious and wanted to communicate and I want this to actually work, then the most important person of my life needed to know. So we did that. I did that, had that awkward conversation and boy was it awkward. It wasn't easy and she didn't make me feel like it was easy. It was like going into a pen with a rock wailer. And I get it. I get it.

Speaker 1: 23:44

Introducing a new partner to your child can be a delicate process. Before we became an official couple, it was only right to take it slow, because I wanted to ensure that she felt comfortable and included in the transition of me being in one relationship into another relationship. So to do that, I wanted to ensure that the conversations we were having was open and honest, and I was being transparent. And I think it's different if you've got really younger kids. My daughter was 19, going on 20. So I was able to have a real honest, transparent conversation. But it will not be the same if you have a child that is five or six. However advanced they will be, there needs to be a level of maturity that comes with it. Because she had seen me over the years, she had seen the relationships I had been in. She witnessed it. So it's like another one.

Speaker 1: 24:57

But because it was another one, I had to be open and honest. I had to allow her to address her concerns, allow her to ask me questions and allow me to open up to her about how I felt and why I felt this was the right time and the right thing to do. And it was the hardest but one of the best conversations that we had together. She was transparent with me, I was transparent with her and it felt like the hardest person I had to tell became the softest person in my corner, fighting for this to be the one. So I ticked that box.

Speaker 1: 26:01

The next part was making sure. If I want this to work, if I want this to be the one, I need to make sure the network that I have around me is going to be a network that supports this change. I pulled on my best friend, pulled on my prayer group, I pulled on my mother and I pulled on a work colleague who gave me some real good advice, because I wanted guidance and encouragement to know that this vulnerable me, this person I'm now embracing as myself, can be guided by others who have experienced similar relationships, people who have faced similar situations, people who would have empathy and be able to guide me through my ups and downs. Because I enjoyed the relationship but at the same time, it scared the hell out of me. Because it felt so right and because it felt so right, I got to a point when I started to self-sabotage. I thought it's too good to be true, this person ain't around for the right reasons. I used to pick arguments to the point that it was just over foolishness. I used to go really silent and I realised I could be extremely difficult for no reason and question things that just didn't need to be questioned. So my support system was everything, everything in that season, and being able to lean on them, trust them, allowed me to just excel and take it for what it is. I'd been in the past, very much tried to plan and do everything and try to control everything and try to have everything lined up and guided for the next five years, but that didn't work, colleen. It hadn't worked. So do something different. And doing something different was letting go of everything I had done previously. It was being so vulnerable that allowed me to build a deeper emotional connection with him and even though five days out of seven he gets on my nerves, I wouldn't actually change it. He challenges me every day to be the better person than I was previously. He asks me awkward questions. He asks me why did I do that? I'm just like, leave me alone, but at the same time, they're all the right questions.

Speaker 1: 29:24

Before I realised I was getting into relationships that were easy. Getting into relationships where I knew I could control them to a certain degree. Getting into relationships that I knew I could see where they were going. My mum used to always say to me that person's too weak for you. They're not strong enough for you. You need someone stronger. My relationship before this boy. He was strong, but we didn't work out, so I understood from that relationship the different tiers and understanding the masculine role and the feminine role. So in this relationship I'm learning from the previous one. I knew I need to make sure he can be as masculine as he needs to be, and all my job to do is to be as feminine as possible. That's it. Enjoy it, be yourself.

Speaker 1: 30:34

And by behaving like a girl and doing all the things that girls should do and everyone might say what do girls do? Well, they put up shelves and they drill holes and put up TVs. I can still do all of that. But at the same time, I can put on a dress, get my heels on, put make up on, do my hair up and think, ooh, he's gonna love how I look today because he's gonna open the car door for me and he's gonna say getting beautiful, well, you look really nice.

Speaker 1: 31:13

And those small, precious moments have allowed me to continue to be vulnerable, has allowed me to continue to feel safe, has allowed me to continue putting myself first and has allowed me to continue to embrace who I am, because he's seen all of me. I haven't tried to hide myself. I haven't tried to be someone else. I've just said you know what? Take it or leave it, and he just takes it all, but it doesn't come with just oh, it sounds so easy. No, no, no, no, no, because I've had to sit and understand where he comes from and sometimes we forget that part. But embracing my identity is also embracing his identity and respecting who he is and making sure that he puts his self-care first, because if he's looking out for himself, he will look out for me. So if I look out for him to make sure he looks out for himself, one it makes him feel like raw, she's checking for me and she cares, but also doesn't let himself fall down by the waistline because he doesn't think anyone doesn't care about him.

Speaker 1: 32:57

We constantly try to communicate, and I say try because it's not always easy. We have the most interesting debates where they get so heated. I just get so frustrated and sometimes I'm like I'm not having this conversation with you Because I get frustrated that they're so interesting, because now I realise you're not always meant to get along. You're not always meant to see eye to eye because you're supposed to be chalk and cheese. It works opposite ends. Test each other, continue to look for the opposites, because two people don't need to be the same. You can't both be strong. One needs to be strong to help the weak and the weak can help the strong, because there's a different emotional connection.

Speaker 1: 33:53

So it's all about finding that balance. So some people will be like no, I want someone who just like me. Just like me didn't work. But finding someone who's able to challenge, push, annoy and continuously fight for me allows me to know and makes me feel secure in knowing this is right. I can't always have my way. I can't always have everything that I want. I have to find balance and by doing that, he set his boundaries. Sometimes I'm rude and rank because I just want to get back into my old ways and he will pull me all the way up and check me. So if I'm set in my boundaries, I have to respect the boundaries that he's also set and not get my back up and think you're not allowed to do that. Yes, he can. Allow him to feel how he's meant to feel, like a man. Allow him to dictate on what he will stand for and what he won't, the same way you dictated what you stand for and what you want. It's finding the balance. It's making sure that I found my support. I have my comfort zone. I have my people that I can go to. I can't get my back up. He also has people in his corner that he talks to and confines in and trusts in and helps him to navigate through this relationship. And through that I get to see his vulnerable side, because together we've learned to trust and we've learned to understand that we're not the same. Our upbringings are different, our parents are different, our families are different, our education is different. But when you put it together, it's like building together a patchwork quilt. At the moment that you're looking at it, there's so many different colours, there's so many things going on here. There's shades, there's stitching, there's patterns, there's this, there's that and it's all a bit mixed match. But then you hold it up and you look at it and you stand back and you embrace it and you're like that is beautiful, that's so different, that's so unique, that is beautiful. So I look at my relationship and I say we're so different, we've got so many pieces. We're not perfect, but when I take a moment and stand back and look at it, it's beautiful. However much we moan and get frustrated and need our own little safe haven corners where we sit opposite ends, it works because he knows he's got someone who is rooting for him and has his back. And I know I have someone that is rooting for me and has my back. So it's about finding that balance. It's finding someone that is ready to be vulnerable with you and you be vulnerable with them. So when people ask me, you look different, you seem happy and how is it working? And is working because I am me and I have been allowed to be me, with no plasters, no paper towels, no blankets, nothing.

Speaker 1: 38:33

Navigating romantic connections and navigating romantic relationships are not easy and I am got most probably like 20 years experience of my relationship. I've got to an age now where I'm like you need to be you. So if you are thinking, hmm, what's going on here, if you are going through different relationships, meeting different people at different times, and can't hold a relationship down, take yourself out of the equation and isolate yourself to just get back to who are you. Who are you? You cannot get into something if you don't know who you are, because what are you showing? What are you giving? You got to know what you are given, to know what then you are going to be receiving back. You got to prioritise your self care.

Speaker 1: 39:51

Communication is key. Trusting your life in boundaries is essential. An integrating partners into your work life and family life allows you to build that trust two ways Finding a good support network to help you and hold you accountable, finding your vulnerability and celebrating your strengths will allow you to enter into another relationship. Knowing this time is going to be different, because I know who I am. I've put myself first. I'm making communication key. We're going to align our boundaries and respect our boundaries when it's the right time, when it's the right moment, when we discuss and feel it's the right moment, without having any added pressure or integrate. But we need to make sure we have good council and a good support network that will allow us to embrace our vulnerability and not allow us to hide ourselves and know when you get into your relationship, the whole world doesn't need to know. Navigate what you're trying to explore. Navigate what you're trying to learn. Not all council is good council and not everyone you think celebrates you are actually celebrating you.

Speaker 1: 41:48

Some people are still going through their own struggles and battles and sometimes you don't want to have a little argument and a little tiff and tell someone and they're like no, they're not for you jump and then you end up staying with them and your friend don't like them because she still remembers the first argument Explore, but keep things private until you're comfortable enough to share, until you feel safe enough, and make it be two ways. For a relationship to work, it needs to be two ways. Some of you be like hmm, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know if I'm ready. Make sure you know that whoever it is you are allowing into your life appreciates the complexities of your life, understands and respects your timing. If they don't, then maybe it's not the one, because balancing romantic connections as a single mother, as a single father, presents so many challenges.

Speaker 1: 43:13

I didn't even talk about the other parent. That's a whole separate thing because that shouldn't have an impact on new relationships, so I didn't cover that deliberately. But when you are entering and you know that, for instance, you don't have feelings still for your baby daddy and you know that you want to get into something new and that is dead to the water, remember to have open communication, self-care and support. It's possible to find love and fulfilment. Embrace your journey with confidence, knowing that you are deserving of all the love and happiness life has to offer.

Speaker 1: 44:21

It's not about everyone else. It's about you. It's got to be about you and on that note, I just want to say thank you for tuning in. If you have any questions and if you're wondering I'm not too sure or maybe reach out, let's talk about it, get in the comments, and all of our relationship statuses and all of our journeys are so different. This was my story and my journey. Yours may be different. I shared some tips that can be applied to any relationship, but don't put pressure on yourself to get into something before it's time. I am your host, colleen Myers, bringing you a striving butterfly. Remember to love boldly and authentically.