Shame: Served its Eviction Notice

Shame has a way of convincing us that we’re flawed beyond repair, but it’s simply a lie that thrives in silence. In this deeply personal episode of Striving Butterfly, I share my experience of becoming single in my 40s after ending a significant relationship—and the shame that followed. From questioning my worth to feeling like I failed my daughter, I unpack five types of shame we all encounter: relational, societal, career, family, and friendship shame.

But shame doesn’t get the final say. Through honest reflection, I explore how we can name our shame, bring it into the light, and reframe the stories we tell ourselves. With Isaiah 61:7 as a reminder of God’s promise of restoration, this episode offers hope, encouragement, and practical steps toward freedom. You are not your shame. Your story is still unfolding.

This podcast isn’t just about me—it’s about us. Your journey matters. I want to hear your questions, your thoughts, your experiences. We’re in this together, and I believe in collective victory.

💛 Ready to spread your wings? Life may have clipped them, but together, we’ll help them grow back—stronger and brighter than before. Let’s strive, shine, and soar higher than we ever thought possible!

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Chapters

• 0:01 Welcome Back & Introduction
• 0:37 Understanding Different Types of Shame
• 4:56 Breaking Free from Shame
• 8:24 Starting Again & Self-Kindness
• 15:06 Closing Thoughts & Encouragement

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Shame releasing, healing and starting again. Hey, beautiful people, welcome back to the Striving Butterfly. It's your girl, colleen, and I'm so glad you're here to join me again. And today we're diving deep into something that has really been sitting heavy on my heart and I thought it was only it was. It was the right way to bring the first episode back. It's more like where have you been, colleen? Where have you been? So this episode is all about shame.

Speaker 1: 0:47

This one is personal. If you journeyed with me in season one, you would know I was in a blooming relationship and now I'm not. I'm 40 plus, single and navigating what that means for me, what that means for my daughter, what that means for my future. What does it all look like? And let me be real with you Shame has been sitting heavy on my chest, the kind that makes you question your decisions, your worth and even your place in the world, and I know I'm not alone in this.

Speaker 1: 1:34

So today we're talking about the different types of shame and how they show up and how we let them go. So what is shame? Shame isn't just feeling bad about something. It's feeling like you are the problem. Unlike guilt, which says I did something wrong, shame says I am wrong and that that is dangerous, and that that is dangerous. It doesn't matter what part of our lives we're going through, it doesn't matter who we've got in our lives. It doesn't matter how much we love and love is loving us. It doesn't matter if we have the best parents and friends in the world. In some shape, form or other, we all feel some type of shame. But shame thrives in silence. It makes us believe we have to carry it alone. But I'm letting you know today we are not doing that. Today we are giving shame its eviction notice. So if you're ready like I am ready and I have been ready so if you're ready, like I am ready and I have been ready, today is the day we tell shame to get out, get out of my room, get out of my house, get out of my car, get out of my church, get out of my workplace, get out. You have been served. If you need a moment, take a moment to really cast that shame away. Like let it go, like don't hold on to it. We're going to go through it, but if you just need to shake it off and let it go, do that now. Just need to shake it off and let it go. Do that now. But let me explain to you the different types of shame.

Speaker 1: 3:51

Shame can creep in from so many angles and in this season of my life I felt it in so many ways that I didn't even expect. I wasn't ready to end a relationship, I wasn't ready to be single, I wasn't ready to face challenges at work, I wasn't ready to face my parents. So the first shame that I felt, and the first type of shame we're going to go through, is relational shame. Did I let my daughter down? No, my daughter is 21, nearly 22, a young woman now making her own choices, carving her own path, and as a mother I wanted to set an example not just of love but of stability. There's a part of me that wonders did I let her down by not holding on to a relationship? Did I show her that love is something that slips away? Did I make her feel that she is not worthy of it because not even her mum can hold it down? But then I remembered love isn't about holding on at all costs. It's about knowing when something is no longer serving you. My daughter has seen me love and she has also seen me walk away with grace, and that's a lesson too.

Speaker 1: 5:53

Then you have societal shame. Whoa, 40 plus and still single. I can't count how many times I have heard so. When are you getting married? Where's your husband? Like hello, as if it mean I missed some deadline. Let me tell you something there is no deadline. Society, people, friends, family will try and tell you that your worth is measured by your relationship status. Whoa, but I refuse to believe that. I am whole, I am worthy and I am enough just as I am, and if you've listened to any of my daily affirmations, you will hear me battle on about being enough and being worthy just as you are.

Speaker 1: 7:01

Then you have career shame. Am I still relevant in the industry? I've spent so many years in the corporate world building my career in marketing. I started off in offline marketing and then I moved to online digital marketing, before digital marketing even had a title. I've seen trends shift, platforms evolve and new faces come in with fresh ideas. I've even questioned am I right? And sometimes to the point I've asked myself am I still current? Am I still enough for this? Am I falling behind? Do I even belong in this space anymore? The truth is, I've had to fight to remind myself that my experience and my knowledge is valuable. The depth of what I know and the wisdom in what I know is valuable. And just because the industry is changing, it doesn't mean I don't have a place in it.

Speaker 1: 8:27

We then have family shame. I don't have a place in it. We then have family shame, one all too familiar with many of us. Could I have done more? As a daughter, as a sister? I carry shame too. I think about the times I could have been more present, called more, given more, apologised more, been there more for my parents. And that regret lingers. It lingers, but I can't rewrite the past. What I can do is show up differently now. What I can do is show up differently now, be intentional with the time I have and love better, moving forward.

Speaker 1: 9:14

Then I've been slapped with friendship shame. I've played a huge part in that ending a huge part. Let's talk about friendships. Sometimes relationships end and it's easy to blame the other person. But if we're honest, sometimes we've played a huge part too. I've lost friendships where I could have communicated better, where I could have listened more or been more understanding and not cutthroat, and the shame of that is real. But friendships, like life, evolve and sometimes they're not meant to last forever Doesn't mean you love them less, doesn't mean you don't think about them, doesn't mean that you don't laugh about all the experiences. It just means you're in a different space and it's a different season of transition and growth, going through so many different phases of shame and so many different types, and sometimes they're so concurrent they can be all rolling into one like we can't pick and choose when shame hits us. We can't put it on the bench. It's life. So how do we release shame? How do we break free from shame and start again, with all that I've been through, with all that I've seen, with all that I've tried to come to terms with.

Speaker 1: 11:01

I'm not great. I'm far from perfect. I make mistakes, as I've said, at work. I've made mistakes with my team. I've made mistakes with my daughter. I've made mistakes with my mum, my dad, my sister and my niece. I made mistakes with my godchildren. I've made mistakes with my friendships. I've made mistakes in the relationships that I've been in Like, and I've played a part in all of that. And what I have noticed and what I do know and what I've come to terms with is that I see it and I own it. I own the shame. I own my mistakes. I own that I'm not perfect. I own that sometimes we just need to start again. So, in all of this change and transition and growth and development, here's what's helping me. One acknowledge it, say it out loud, call it what it is loud. Call it what it is.

Speaker 1: 12:19

Shame loses power when we bring it into the light. Two rewrite the narrative. Shame tells us we failed. But what if this is just a new chapter, not the end of the book? This is just a pause moment. This is just make another cup of tea and sit down for the next couple of pages.

Speaker 1: 12:41

Three find your safe space. Surround yourself with people who uplift you, who see your worth even when you can't. And sometimes they're not your direct besties or friends. They're people that just blow a fresh into you because they see you. And sometimes it's your colleagues, sometimes it's your parents, friends, friend Like. Stop picking and choosing the immediate people that we see in front of us. Sometimes it's someone else's voice we need to hear.

Speaker 1: 13:23

Four anchor yourself in truth. Shame is a liar, hey, and the only way to fight lies is with the truth. To fight lies is with the truth. Sometimes we don't have to cuss and curse and throw our toys out of the pram. Sometimes the truth is all we have, and sometimes the truth doesn't need us to talk about it, because sometimes the battles fight itself.

Speaker 1: 14:02

Something that's got me through, and a verse that I love, is Isaiah 61 7. Instead of your shame, you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace, you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours. The Lord just doesn't take away shame. The Lord just doesn't take away shame. He replaces it with joy, honour and restoration. And sometimes he's also showing us that it's time to move, it's time to evolve, it's time to transition.

Speaker 1: 15:04

So where to start again? If you're feeling stuck in shame, I want you to know you are not too late, not too broken and not beyond redemption. Start small, start by being kind to yourself, and if you need a place to begin, I have an episode. I have many episodes where I keep you fresh and up to date with daily affirmations that can help you shift where your head is at. You just got to trust and believe. So somewhere in this window you'll be able to click along, watch after this episode and just start speaking life into yourself all over again.

Speaker 1: 15:51

It may feel uncomfortable, it may feel this is not for me. You may even think this is for women only. No, it's for women and men, it's for everyone. Shame doesn't get to hold us hostage. I have been and I'm still choosing to let go of the shame that says I should have had it all figured out by now. I'm choosing to embrace the fact that my story, your story, is still unfolding.

Speaker 1: 16:30

It's not the end. It could be the beginning, it could be the middle, but it's definitely not the end. When you're waking up again, it means you've got a start all over again. You've got a fresh start all over again. So, along with me, release the shame, walk boldly into who you are meant to be. Hold your head up high, high, higher than that. Hold your head up high. This was short and sweet, but I'm gonna go so much more into shame. I just wanted to get you back here listening. So until next time, keep striving, keep growing and keep embracing the journey. I love you and you should start loving you a bit more. This is Colleen, and you've been listening to the Striving Butterfly podcast. Until next time.