How to Gain Self-Love and Create a Better Reality - The Quiet Power of Choosing Yourself

Self-love is more than a trend — it’s the foundation of your reality. In this episode of Striving Butterfly, I unpack what true self-love looks like, why it matters, and how to use it to create a life that reflects your worth.

You’ll hear:

• What self-love really means
• How your choices are shaped by how you value yourself
• 5 practical steps to practice self-love
• The connection between renewing your mind and transforming your reality (Romans 12:2)

Takeaway affirmation: “I am worthy of love, joy, and peace — and I create a reality that honours my worth.”

Share this episode with someone who needs the reminder that they are worthy of a better reality.

#SelfLove #AuthenticLiving #StrivingButterfly

Chapters

• 0:00 What Self-Love Really Means
• 3:01 Redefining Self-Love Beyond Social Media
• 5:47 How Self-Love Shapes Your Reality
• 10:34 Practical Steps to Deeper Self-Love
• 21:04 Embracing Loss as Part of Growth
• 27:51 Final Thoughts and Personal Affirmations

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Self-love is more than buying yourself flowers. It's more than doing things. Self-love is a lot. I've lost so much, but I've gained so much, and the gaining is why I want to share what and how I've taken this self-love journey so seriously and why I'm sharing it with you. Nearly two years now I've been single and I didn't drop off on my self-care and my self-love. I just went quiet, and I had to be quiet to ensure that I was still doing the things that were important to me and not bleeding on this channel.

Speaker 1: 0:37

I take self-love, self-care, really, really serious, and one thing to know is that there are peaks and trots and there are good days and there's bad days, there's lows, there's highs and there's the all in between. That's life. But it's being able to know that if you fall down, you can get back up, and when you get back up, you're stronger than when you initially fell. And it's learning from everything that has been a lesson. Everything that is shaped who you are becoming, everything that is shaped what you're doing now. All of this is so important to your journey. Hey, everyone, welcome back to the striving butterfly podcast. I'm so glad you're here with me today because it has been a hot minute, and it's always a hot minute, but this episode is one that I think we all need at some point in our journey.

Speaker 1: 1:34

I'm talking about self-love, not just the Instagram version of it, but the deep level that can actually shift your reality and the way you experience life. Now, let's be honest, self-love can sound cliche, right like oh, just love yourself more. But if it were that simple, we'll all be walking around glowing unstoppable. The truth is, self-love takes intention. It takes unlearning some things. It takes the courage to show up for ourselves in a way that maybe no one else ever has. Now don't get me wrong. It's not always going to be 100% perfect. Depending on life experiences and seasons and the time that you're in right now with your life, we can pick up and drop self-love like a drop of a hat, but it's being able to remind yourself that I need to put myself first, I need to check in, I need to evaluate what I'm doing and how I'm doing it for myself right now. So let's start right here. What actually is self-love? Self-love isn't just about bubble baths, candles, talking to yourself in the mirror or treating yourself, though those things can all help and those things are nice. It's deeper than that and I've spoken about it before on previous episodes, about it before on previous episodes.

Speaker 1: 3:30

Self-love is about honouring yourself at your core. It's respecting yourself and honouring who you are. It's how you talk to yourself when nobody else is around, whether there's a mirror or not, whether the record button is on or not. It's about how you protect your peace. It's the way you choose to show up for yourself, even when you feel unworthy or overlooked. Now that is deep and that is hard, because when you've been knocked and poked and dropped and dumped and just had the whole world against you, picking yourself back up to talk through why you are enough and why you are worthy is a lot. It's tough. It's not just a feeling, which is why, even when those low days come, when you build the habit and when you build the understanding and when you really take a moment to reflect, you know that it is a daily mindset, a daily attitude, a daily action that you just need to take. It's a part of your identity. Need to take, it's a part of your identity. It's acceptance and it is action. So just remember that self-love isn't just a tick box that you put on your to-do list. It's not just talking to yourself in the mirror. It's your identity, it's your acceptance and it is your action.

Speaker 1: 5:24

When you love yourself like when you really truly love yourself and not just bigging up yourself like big up trigger, you start to move differently. You don't beg for validation in places where it's never been given. You don't ask for validation from people that you know is going to validate you. You don't shrink yourself to fit into rooms that can't handle your fullness. Now I'm going to say that again because I didn't think that hit home. You do not shrink yourself to fit into rooms that can't handle your fullness. Instead, you carry a quiet confidence that says I'm enough, right here, right now.

Speaker 1: 6:34

Now, here's the thing the way you love yourself shapes the reality you live in. The way you love yourself shapes the reality that you live in. By shaping the reality also frames the people that you have around you. It changes your mindset. It changes the value of things. It changes how you respond to things. Think about it.

Speaker 1: 7:09

If I believe I am unworthy, I'll accept less than I deserve. I'll stay in relationships that drain me. I stay in jobs that suffocate me. I'll compromise, I'll hold back from opportunities that could potentially change my life, but when I believe I am worthy, I start to choose differently. I know that I need to protect my boundaries. I chase opportunities that align with me and I absolutely refuse to settle. And when you do that consistently, when I do that consistently, my reality, my life, my walk, walk, my journey, it all shifts. And I'm not saying it's easy, I'm not saying whoo it's, it's not like just switching a light, switch on, no.

Speaker 1: 8:19

But when you are consistent, as with anything, your life, your reality, everything that you're doing just shifts. The life that you're living, the life and the reality, the life that you've built and the life that you're building is built by your choices, and your choices are shaped by how much you love yourself. You might think no, I've just got to make decisions. And I've got to make choices because I need to give an answer right now. I need to respond now. They need it now. Somebody needs me now. I've always done that. It's always been that way. Baby girl, baby boy, your choices are shaped by how much you love yourself and you can take a moment to think about the choice that you are going to make. Don't let anybody rush you make. Don't let anybody rush you. Don't let anybody rush you for a decision when they have taken time to make and do what our own decision who?

Speaker 1: 9:37

We sometimes value other people's decisions more than we value our own decisions, so we don't consider if the decision that we're making is the right decision that we should be making for ourselves, because we've put someone else's decision ahead of ours so that person, whoever it is, may have done all of their self-love and self-care activities where you're not even considering yours. So you've just made a decision based on the actions and the decisions that work for them, but they may not work for you. They may harm you. But let's get around this. Here are some practical steps to gain self-love. Let's talk about how, because I know you might be thinking OK, colleen, but how do I actually start to love myself more? How do I love myself better? How do I change my behaviours, like I don't want to go into 2026 and maybe I'm too late because I'm already hitting September. No, it's never too late.

Speaker 1: 11:02

So pull up a pen, get your notepad, your phone, whatever it is, to jot down these notes. One audit your self-talk. Pay attention to the words you speak over yourself. Are you your biggest critic or your biggest encourager? Start replacing the harshness with gentleness. Start replacing the harshness with gentleness. If you want to do an exercise, you can get a plain piece of paper and literally draw a line all the way down the middle critic on one side, encourager on the other side and write down all the things you say to criticize yourself and all the things you say to encourage yourself. How does it weigh out? How does it balance? Does it to redefine success? Stop measuring yourself against everybody else's timeline. Your journey is yours. Celebrate at your pace. Celebrate at your pace. It doesn't mean rush your pace. It doesn't mean change your deadlines. It means your timeline is your timeline and when you have made those achievements small, medium and big ones celebrate at your pace. It doesn't mean everyone's going to celebrate with you, they don't need to but celebrate your wins.

Speaker 1: 12:37

Three see your boundaries as love. Start seeing no as a form of self-care. A lot will change in your life when you start using no, a lot more. But your whole mindset shift, your whole behavior, your whole attitude towards things will move in the direction that they need to and the dead weight fall or become obsolete or reduce, draining you because you're not so available. Protecting your peace is not selfish, and I've said it before it is not selfish, it's sacred. If you don't want to answer the phone, if you don't want to go somewhere, if you don't want to mix in certain things, if you don't want to do that job, if you don't want to give that money over because you've been saving for something else, know the difference. It's not selfish, it's sacred. I'm working towards something. I don't want to go out because it means I've got to spend money and I don't have that money because I want to actually help someone else out this month.

Speaker 1: 14:03

Four celebrate your small wins. Don't wait until you've arrived to celebrate yourself. Honour every step, even the quiet ones. If you do like a to-do list, like me, like once a week and sometimes throughout every day, I will change that list accordingly if I need to reprioritize. Ticking an item off is something to celebrate because you've achieved it. You've done it. It doesn't not everything has to be what you see on your goals list. You know those five big wins that you said you was gonna have. That is not just the only wins that you celebrate. Celebrate them all, but all of these small wins. They should be celebrated because they're going to take you to your big win.

Speaker 1: 14:58

Yay, spend time with yourself. Spend time with yourself, whether it's journaling, whether it's prayer, whether it's reflection, whether it's netflix, whether it's just nothing. Listening to music, create space to hear your own voice, to be in stillness, to chill and to reconnect with who you really are. You can watch Netflix for downtime, but then you might say to yourself let me just chill out for a bit and have no noise, no disturbance, nothing. Let me just journal, let me read, let me just reflect. And then, after every activity or whichever activity that you chose, let me take a moment to deep what that was or what's taking place here, moment to deep what that was or what's taking place here. These steps may be small, may feel, but they build a foundation of self-respect and when you respect yourself, your whole reality begins to realign with that respect.

Speaker 1: 17:48

So how do you create a better reality from this place of self-love? You start by asking yourself what would my life look like if I fully loved myself? What would I stop tolerating? What would I go after boldly? That's where the shift begins. Visualization is powerful, but it has to be paired with action. So there's no point doing your goals, there's no point drawing pictures, there's no point screenshotting your whole life from Instagram or what everyone else does and then just leaving it there. You need to take action. You need to create steps for how you're going to deliver the actions Each day.

Speaker 1: 18:35

Choose one thing that reflects the life you want to build. Maybe it's saying no to something that drains you. Maybe it's sending the email you've been too scared to send. Maybe it's saying no to something that drains you. Maybe it's sending the email you've been too scared to send. Maybe it's responding to the text messages in your phone. Maybe it's resting when you feel guilty about pausing. Your current reality is not permanent. It's a reflection of past choices. And here's good news choices can change, which means your reality can change too, like I have been through it.

Speaker 1: 19:20

My journey of self-love and self-care has been one that I have packed many years, many, many years. It's not oh. I just decided today to wake up to do self-care and safe love, and that's it. It takes time, it takes discipline, it takes consistency Because, trust me, when you start actionably doing what is right for you, actionably doing what is right for you, when you put yourself at the top of the list of making sure you are in the right place at the right time. Mentally, emotionally, you start to see that everything else around you changes. People change around you because you're not so available.

Speaker 1: 20:01

I have lost friends and some of it has been my own fault, so this is not a blame game. I have lost friends and some of it has been my own fault, so this is not a blame game. I have lost friends. Relationships has broken down on both sides and all of it has had an impact on my self-care and my self-love. Some of the relationship breakdown has been because I haven't done that self-love and that self-care. I haven't taken a moment. Some relationships and some actions have broken down because of my work, where I've given so much, I haven't taken time out and everything is happening in the office. Nothing is happening for I, because and because I haven't put me at the center. Everything else around me has broken down because I didn't put myself first and I didn't prioritize properly. So by the time I prioritized, I've lost things. Um, it hasn't all been me, hasn't all been me.

Speaker 1: 20:57

Some changes happen because certain people needed to be removed from my life and we all need certain actions to take place. We don't all like them, we don't all agree, we don't all believe that certain decisions that we make are the right ones. But trust me in time, if something has left your life, as something has disappeared, if something is just no longer, just take a moment to think. Am I still winning by the change that has taken place in my life? Am I still here? Yes, is my mind sane? Yes, am I able to still go out and do the things that I've wanted and needed to do? Yes, do I still have my dear family members not the ones that I've lost, but the ones that are still here present? Yes, start looking at this list and if someone has left your life because they didn't value you, or if you had to make some changes because someone didn't value what you was bringing, look at everything else that is still blooming around you.

Speaker 1: 22:03

There are many times we can see ourselves as a plant or a flower. You know me. We bloom and along the way, some things wither, some things are not going to stay with us on our journey, as we rise up, as we go closer to the light, as we go closer to the warmth, as we go closer to being the best versions of ourselves, as we go closer to climbing the ladder, as we go closer to really understanding our purpose. As we go closer to climbing the ladder, as we go closer to really understanding our purpose, as we go closer to really get into grips with who we are, we know that some leaves just wither, some leaves die off and some things we actually need to pick and remove because they're no longer sufficient.

Speaker 1: 22:48

Think about it in a sense where don't always take every loss as a negative and give yourself a moment to see what is the meaning behind the loss. What is the meaning behind the behavior change? What is the meaning behind this? Is it deliberate? Was it necessary? And because of that, what do I now need to do to make this better, to make a change, to make a difference? Or what do I now need to do to allow myself to continuously bloom and enjoy the blooming season that I'm in?

Speaker 1: 23:21

I'm a flower and I look beautiful on the inside and the out. Yeah, not every day I may look great, I may have been, I want. I once was a seed. I once was a flower that had no pretty colors, but I've bloomed and I'm going to embrace my blooming if I've washed everything off that was no longer needed to be on me, including my own actions and my own behaviors that weren't great. Let me allow that freedom in myself to be able to be a better person and be able to bloom and have people see that I'm blooming. Now here's a verse I'll share with you, one of my faves romans 12 to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Transformation starts in your mind. When you renew the way you think about yourself, when you renew your belief in your worth, your whole reality begins to transform. So I want you to say this with me I am worthy of love, joy and peace, and I create a reality that honors my worth.

Speaker 1: 24:36

Self-love is more than buying yourself flowers. It's more than doing things. Self-love is a lot. I've lost so much, but I've gained so much, and the gaining is why I want to share what and how I've taken this self-love journey so seriously and why I'm sharing it with you. Nearly two years now, I've been single and I didn't drop off on my self-care and my self-love. I just went quiet, and I had to be quiet to ensure that I was still doing the things that were important to me and not bleeding on this channel.

Speaker 1: 25:19

I take self-love, self-care, really, really serious, and one thing to know is that there are peaks and trots, and there are good days and there's bad days, there's lows, there's highs and there's the all in between. That's life. But it's being able to know that if you fall down, you can get back up, and when you get back up, you're stronger than when you initially fell. And it's learning learning from everything that has been a lesson. Everything that is shaped, who you are becoming, everything that is shaped, what you're doing now all of this is so important to your journey. The striving butterfly is such a healer for me and it also holds me accountable to that journey. And if you are struggling, really struggling, I just tell you just take, give yourself a break and take a moment and take time and really just carve out what self-love actually looks like for you, what a better reality would look like for you. Just carve it out and don't include anybody else.

Speaker 1: 26:23

This is about you, you, you, you, you, you. Sometimes we get so caught up. What about this person? What about the kids? What about my partner? What about that?

Speaker 1: 26:34

For you to be strong and good and at your top form, you need to be able to put yourself first. And it's not everything is all about me. It's about being able to show up in your best format and not cutting corners, and not being drained and not looking mash up, and not being ratty or cranky because you haven't had enough sleep or you just haven't had a moment to recalibrate, or you've got so much going on and you're just overwhelmed. There's so many reasons. Be kind to yourself, because if you're not, who's gonna be? And if you're not, how do you know when someone is genuinely being kind to you? To be kind to yourself.

Speaker 1: 27:15

Forgive yourself, let it go. You made a mistake. It's time to move on. Let it go. You've owned it. You knew you was responsible. Allow yourself to really change what is coming.

Speaker 1: 27:29

I love you.

Speaker 1: 27:30

I love you for who you. I love you for who you are. I love you for who you're shaping to be. I love you for just putting yourself first. You are enough. I am enough. I am so worthy of all that is being crafted and handed to me. I am worthy of it all and no one will take that away from me. I forgive myself, I love myself. I'm worthy of it all and no one will take that away from me. I forgive myself, I love myself. I'm going to show up for myself. I'm going to do it for myself. I'm going to clap for myself because you know what I can do that and I love that. So, as I wrap up, I want you to remember this Self-love isn't about being perfect.

Speaker 1: 28:10

It's about being present with yourself, choosing yourself daily as a priority, aligning your choices with your worth and trusting that even small steps forward are rewriting your story. This week, I'd love, love, love, love, love, for you to take one step, just one, to show yourself more love. And, when you do, share it with me. Send me a message, tag me or drop it in the comments. I want to celebrate those steps with you because I know exactly what it is like. I want to celebrate those steps with you because I know exactly what it is like. Thank you for tuning in today. Remember, the butterfly is proof that growth may be hidden for a season, but the beauty always unfolds. Until next time, keep blooming, keep becoming and keep creating a reality that reflects your worth. I'm your host, colleen, and you've been listening to the Striving Butterfly podcast. Go and listen to one of the previous episodes, because you missed out on so much. Missed out on so much. Don't forget to like, subscribe and comment. I'd love to hear your thoughts and how you and your spin on self-love.