Tea With TJ
Welcome to Tea with TJ! A Podcast on self-discovery where our love for tea, conversation, a deeper understanding of life, and self-improvement intersect. Life is messy and sometimes you just need a cup of tea!
Tea With TJ
The Power of Relationships in Shaping Our Lives With Lonnie Woods III
Ever wonder how a change in scenery can profoundly impact one's mental health? Lonnie Woods III, a remarkable creative professional, joins us on "Tea With TJ" to share his journey from Baltimore to Los Angeles. As a first-generation college student, Lonnie talks about his passion for photography and his pursuit of a master's degree at NYU, blending art with education. He reflects on his cross-country moves, motivated by the search for balance and better mental well-being, revealing the underlying challenges of seasonal depression encountered during the pandemic in New York. Despite the allure of sunny California, Lonnie's heart continues to resonate with the East Coast's vibrant energy.
Relationships are not just connections but pivotal elements that shape us, especially within the Black queer community. Together, we examine the multifaceted dynamics of love, friendship, and mentorship, sharing personal insights from his journey as a poet. The conversation highlights the courage it takes to write about relationships from a place of vulnerability and the unique experiences of people of color forming connections in predominantly white spaces. Explore how these interactions become a tapestry of support, empowerment, and personal growth, crucial for navigating identity and community.
Authentic self-worth and self-love are the cornerstones of meaningful relationships. In our conversation, we unpack the importance of understanding one's true self and how this awareness shapes interactions in bustling metropolises like New York and Los Angeles. Through personal anecdotes, including a spontaneous connection on a New York train, we discuss the transformative power of confidence, self-awareness, and embracing one's values. Our dialogue underscores that self-worth shouldn't depend on external validation, inviting listeners to embark on a journey of embracing authenticity in every aspect of life.
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Hey friends, it's TJ, and you're listening to Tea with TJ, where our love for tea, conversation and self-improvement intersect. So let's take a deeper dive into my cup and let's have a chat. Hey friends, it's TJ. Welcome back to another episode of Tea with TJ, and today I have the pleasure of speaking with Lonnie Woods III. Fun fact, I'm also a third, so that's something we have in common. Welcome to the show. I'm so happy to have you.
Lonnie:Great to be here. Thanks for having me, TJ.
TJ:So very quickly for our audience. Can you just tell me your story?
Lonnie:Sure, so my name is Lonnie Woods III. I'm an only child and if you're not familiar with thirds, that means that my name is exactly the same as my father and my grandfather. Fun fact, but I grew up in Baltimore, maryland. So I come from a working class family from Baltimore, maryland, came up with a lot of love, a lot of support, and I then really sort of noticed that I was someone who wanted to do something creative. So once I went off to college, I was a first generation college student.
Lonnie:I went off to college and I studied photography. And the story about that is really funny because I really just chose it off a whim, because I went to the office of the college counselor and she was like what do you want to do for your major? And I had just come back from our senior class trip and I took some photos and I was like flipping through a catalog. Literally I feel so old because this is like early 2000s, no real internet for colleges or anything like that or websites and I was like flip to photography and I was like photography. So I'm a creative.
Lonnie:I went to college undergrad I studied photography and after that I sort like art but I really like helping people. So from there I sort of like really thought okay, I want to somehow combine the two art and education. So I went and got a master's at NYU and from there I studied higher education and student affairs because I really wanted to work with art and design students to help them with their careers and advising and stuff like that. So that's kind of where my career has kind of gone to. I started off doing a lot of freelance photography stuff and that's kind of moved into me, working at art and design schools and helping students, like I wanted to. And also I have a freelance career where I do art direction and help brands out with their branding and stuff. So I've kind of like made a mashup of a career that's been really, you know, fulfilling for me.
TJ:Nice, awesome, I love that. And then I think you're are you in LA proper or in California?
Lonnie:Yes, yes, I forgot to mention that. So I grew up in Baltimore, maryland, like I said, but then I moved to New York for grad school. Then I moved to DC, dc and, like the DMV area, then I moved back to New York and now I'm in LA. So I reside now in sunny California totally different world from the East coast that I'm used to, but I've been here for about two years.
TJ:And I'm just curious. I mean this, you know, has no bearing on the episode, but as an East Coast person and like growing up in Baltimore, what prompted the move to LA? Because I feel like usually people who live on the East Coast are like I'm staying over here, I'm not, I'm not making the jump.
Lonnie:Exactly no. That's a really great question and I think my answer always shocks people, because oftentimes people ask me that, especially people here in California like what made you come? And it really was mental health. It was mental health. I was living in New York during the pandemic and, as you probably remember, it was just a different city. I don't think the city or the world has really come back from that, but I think for the first time I started experiencing I was slowing down enough to notice that I had seasonal depression because I was in the house during the winter and I was in a really weird place with my career at the time, dealing with a lot of stressors, and I just felt myself sort of needing a change.
Lonnie:I've always kind of been a traveler. Like I said, I moved around a bit. I did a bunch of internships, Like I did an internship in California in undergrad. So I've always knew that I was going to move around. I didn't know where. So it was really mental health. I felt like I needed to be somewhere that had better weather year round to help me with that seasonal depression and also just the city changing so much. In New York I didn't feel like it was the same city and I was just. I felt a little just the pandemic, I felt a little like a boxed in. So I wanted like a different pace. So that's kind of what brought me here. But I am being here. I, to your point, I always knew that I wouldn't be here forever, but it really has solidified that I'm a true East coaster. I love the Northeast. Um, it's just a totally different world over here on the West coast in some good ways and some bad ways. But it's definitely solidified that I am an East coaster.
TJ:Yeah, yeah, yeah, interesting. Yeah, I don't think I could uh do the West coast. I've been a few times and there's just something about big cities that that are just so special to me.
Lonnie:Same, same.
TJ:That's interesting. I didn't know that. I didn't know that was the reason.
Lonnie:Um, that's interesting. I didn't know that. I didn't know that was the reason, that was the, that was the catalyst. It was really like a life, a low, almost honestly. It was a low moment of like trying to feel better and and to to just have you know one thing about me I think that's really interesting is that, uh, I know people shun this in some ways, um, but I, I don't, I wouldn't say I, I'm a runner, but we can talk about that later when we get into the topic. But I think that I have learned in my life that I really believe in like that, uh, that that quote about like, uh, things that you can control and things you can't control, and knowing the difference, the serenity prayer, um, and I think that I really pay attention to the things that I can control, and moving locations is something that I can control. So usually when I get to some type of like intersection in life, I'm probably thinking about moving, so that's a part of it as well huh, I love that.
TJ:I um there's. I feel like we're gonna have another conversation conversation about this.
Lonnie:It's going to circle back. It's going to circle back, I'm sure.
TJ:So when we met and discussed having you on the show which I was honored that you wanted to be on Tea with TJ I felt very special. And you have a podcast as well. Where can folks find that and listen to it?
Lonnie:Yes, I'm honored to be here and I'm so glad that you accepted. My podcast is called what I Did Wrong and you can find it everywhere you podcast, google Podcasts, apple Podcasts, spotify and it's a podcast just all about life and mistakes, because I found that, as I was going through some of the toughest times in my life, there wasn't a lot of like information out there about how to recover from mistakes and also not be shameful in the mistakes we make. So I made a whole podcast about different mistakes I've made in life and I've had some guests on to talk about their mistakes and they're kind of topical life topics. But the goal is to like remove the shame from making mistakes and really like, like how do we use that to you know, feel who we are now, as opposed to, you know, thinking about the mistakes we made.
TJ:I love that, yeah, so when we, when we spoke about having you on, we're throwing around topic ideas for you and you, you just claimed earlier that it was my suggestion, so I'll take it, I guess. Just claimed earlier that it was my suggestion, so I'll take it, I guess. Uh, but we wanted to discuss relationships, which, yes, interesting, because I don't think I've had anyone on to date that has brought up relationships. I know I've covered it before in like season one, when it was, um, just me in front of the mic, but I'm curious to know what about that topic kind of like speaks to you or like taps your soul in a way to want to have a discussion about it.
Lonnie:As I've reflected on a lot of life and decisions and thoughts and what life really means, I realize that it all comes down to relationships, for better or for worse. If we think about relationships with our parents childhood trauma, that's relationships. So we think about dating, we think about sexuality, identity, we think about teachers, everything that we experience in this life really comes down to relationships, community and stuff like that. So I think for me, the thing that kind of sparked it is in one of the episodes there was a small piece about polyamory, and I'm someone who identifies as poly and I feel that there is such a stigma and or a lack of information and a lack of representation. I think for, for, for queer black men especially, um, to really have conversations about that in a way that is grounded and um, that is, you know, coming from a place of a sincere place.
Lonnie:So, and then the other reason why this topic of relationships sort of was something I thought we could talk about is that I'm a poet as well Raven vision, when I was finishing my first book, that my second book was going to be about basically affirmations for black gay men around relationships and forming our own relationship structures and ideas around desire as it pertains to romantic relationships, and I always knew that this was probably going to be a struggle for me to write, because I'm not in a relationship and I wasn't at the time and I was looking at the universe like this is going to be very vulnerable for me because I'm not in love and you want me to like write this book of like positive affirmations around creating the relationships you want. So I think it's just the space that I'm in where I feel like I'm a vessel and I don't feel like you have to be going through a specific thing to to share thoughts, you know about a topic, so Interesting.
TJ:I love that, yeah, and I can't wait for that book to come out. I'm very, very intrigued. What would you say has been like the most impactful relationship in your life today?
Lonnie:Ooh, that's a great question and you ask great questions. By the way, I would have to say my mom, my relationship with my mother. I'm an only child raised by a single mother and that relationship really defines who I am, who I become, who I want to be proud of, and my mom really fostered this sense of self that I have. I'm really self-assured, and she is, she's always been instrumental in like pouring back into me and like making sure that my identity was always protected, but also that I had. I was in the driver's seat of who I wanted to be in the world, and that is like lasting impact that I think I'll have across my whole life. So, yeah, I would say that's probably the most important relationship for sure.
TJ:I love that I have a similar background to you my, my mom and dad got a divorce when I was six or seven, I believe, and uh, for a good chunk of my life, um, I grew up in a single parent home until she remarried, um, but it was interesting. It's interesting to think back on it now as an adult and look at that moment in time when it was just the two of us and how impactful it was in my life, because I don't think, like even listening to you talk about your mother, I'm thinking back to those moments and I'm like, oh, yeah, it was me and her versus the world, you know, yeah, which is kind of like influenced and informed, the way I kind of moved through life, even in my current relationship, or even like the relationships that I have with other people, whether they be platonic or friendships or even creative relationships. There's something special about having someone on your side or having someone in your corner that truly believes in you and believes in what you bring to the table and what you can provide to the world, just as a human being. I think that is something that is really unique and special.
TJ:When it comes to relationships that are paternal, and I think even more specifically Black people, folks who look like us. I think there is even more nuance with our relationships because there's so much stuff wrapped up in it. Do you feel like you've had any relationships with people of color whether they be romantic, platonic, professionally, creatively that have kind of influenced who you are, outside of the relationship with your mother?
Lonnie:Absolutely, absolutely, and I think you're absolutely right about people of color, black folks especially. Relationships show up very differently for us. And then when you add in the intersectionality of being queer and gay being whatever, I think I was actually thinking as a side note before I answer your question. I was thinking about this earlier, about like queer folks and how our we can sometimes blur the lines of platonic and romantic, I think easier than than heteronormative folks, and I think in some ways that's looked at as a bad thing and I don't think it's good or bad, but I've noticed that it's something that that happens, I think maybe more often, but I think it goes into the idea of found family or chosen family, right, like you think about, like you know, houses for vogue and for voguing houses and how there's like house mothers and things like that. We're like kind of like sometimes disenfranchised as it pertains to community.
Lonnie:So I think we find community and cherish it sometimes differently than others, but yeah, I can think of multiple examples of close friends that actually was someone that I used to work with, that was a supervisor of mine. I was actually just telling this story to my best friend yesterday and this was the first time that I had a black supervisor, black supervisor, and I had built a relationship with this, this person, that became more than just a supervisor. It was like a friend, it was a mentor, it was someone that I trusted and just as a background for me, like I've only worked in like predominantly white institutions, I only went to predominantly white schools. I grew up in a black city, but my professional life has been very white and typically I'm the only one because in the art and design fields there are very few people of color in like certain, certain areas, and so I came into that role guarded, you know, just like OK, like I don't know what to expect from this relationship.
Lonnie:I want to keep it professional, which we did, but during the pandemic I think all of us got so vulnerable like the world was just in shambles and there were moments where it was like this person is someone that I can trust. This is a relationship that will go beyond this moment for me and that was really defining for me, because me, as an educator, I often think about the impact I have on people in that way and of course I don't always get to keep in touch with former students or anything like that but just to know that that relationship can be so either detrimental or beneficial to a student or a coworker or someone you're supervising, it just really just shifted a little bit of my brain chemistry around what that could really look like when Black folks are in power, cause the only way that happened was because she was in a position of power as a director to even be my supervisor, so that's a whole nother DEI discussion.
TJ:but absolutely I want to go back and touch on something that you mentioned, that I, that you mentioned, that I, I completely um am tapped into with you, that this idea of like chosen family and how the lines are blurred for for us um weird. Like you know, our platonic relationships can become romantic, and I won't even I won't even put all of it on romantic.
TJ:I will say that I've also encountered a lot of platonic relationships that have blurred the line into, uh, some type of sexual space or some type of intimate space yeah um in in not to even make it about make it all about sex, because I don't believe that everything is about sex, but a certain level of intimacy that does exist in certain relationships that can be platonic or that started off platonic. There's something unique, I think, about being queer and specifically being a queer person of color, when it comes to that blurred line. I think and I am no therapist, I am not a scholar, I am merely someone with lived experience commenting on this. But I think I'll use my own life as an example that you know, growing up in the South, for the majority of the time in a single parent home, someone who was trying to navigate his sexuality and trying to figure out where I fit in the world and what that meant, and the definition of being at that time using only the terminology of gay. Now understanding that I'm more queer than anything.
TJ:Um, being in that space and trying to, especially at like 16, trying to figure out what I like, who I like, um, while also trying to make friends and like be just a normal person, normal human, right on top of trying to get those relationships that were intimate, that started off as a friendship, I think, taught me a lot about myself and allowed me space to really explore myself and figure out what I actually liked in a safe environment, because I feel like there's a lot of spaces, especially at that age, where you can get kind of wrapped up, quote unquote, into the wrong thing. Have you had any of those types of experiences, maybe in your younger life, where a relationship has developed from something that was initially platonic as a friendship and then developed into something more, either romantic or intimate?
Lonnie:Not so much, but I definitely had relationships when I was younger. When I look back to your point, I'm like, oh, wow, there was a connection and attraction there, and I think that that is why I get so frustrated about when we talk about in the US, this idea of, like, sexual health or sexual education, how young we should talk about certain things. I think this is a really great conversation when we talk about like what's appropriate, but I think talking about attraction is super important. Just attraction, right, Because you talk to anybody who's queer.
Lonnie:Before we came out, typically we thought like, oh, I always felt something and it's like we couldn't put a name to it and that's why people don't like that we exist and we show up, because we're putting a name to something that's real. And when you don't have a word for what you're feeling and that could be in any realm of life, that's really harmful because you're like, you feel like something's wrong. Is something wrong with me? You know you're hearing all these messages from church and culture and you never really heard someone say like, hey, some people are attracted to the same gender. It's like what. Some people are attracted to the same gender. It's like what would that look like. You know, if I had heard that when I was like seven or eight, I would have been like, okay, it wouldn't have made me go do anything, but I think I would have just been like, oh, okay, this is what I'm feeling. This boy over there is cute and that's happened, you know.
Lonnie:But I can think of a friend I had back in middle school and we were best friends and come to find out later we're both queer and like we never talked about it. And I think that's what was so beautiful about our relationship is that it wasn't built on sexuality or anything, but it was just built on a common connection and we just became friends. And it was like I think growing up in Baltimore, which is is a very, not always the most safest place, especially like being a certain type of person and looking a certain type of way, showing up a certain type of way. And I think when I found him, I found the first person where I was like, oh, there's somebody out there like me. I didn't know it was because he was queer, and I don't think it's just because he's queer, but it was like he liked the same things I liked. He liked the same music I like he, he was nice to me and stuff like that. So absolutely Now I would say like in my adult life I've definitely seen people have exes that they're still friends with or express like for a friend, and I've seen different variations of that.
Lonnie:I would say recently and this is kind of like I didn't think this would come up, but whatever Recently I had my first time where you know how you have a friend and I've seen this on TV. I never thought it would happen to be you have a friend and you're like I actually like this person, Uh-oh.
Lonnie:And should I tell them, and all the emotions that come along with that. And that didn't go the way I thought it would, you know. But that happened to me in my 30s, you know, last year, where I had a friend and I kind of had a crush on this person and I didn't. It wasn't like a long friendship, so I felt like there was potential for it to go either way and I went back and forth on whether I should say something that I did and they didn't necessarily feel the same way and they were going through different things in their life and stuff like that. So that was a very interesting thing from an ego perspective. I never knew what that felt like and I understand why people say, oh, I'll just keep it to to myself, I'll take it to the grave, because it can be disappointing if, if you know, the person doesn't feel the same way.
TJ:But I think it's still important to say it because I think it can get in the way of the friendship so I was going to say I agree, I think that's in even in this space, because this, this show, has always um, lived in this like self-development space and vulnerable moments, and that is quoted by jay the gentleman from dear black gay man. Uh, but I agree that, like you know, there's what is the use of holding on to stuff like that? Right, because you're always going to have this what if mentality, if you don't share it. We had um will, what is will's last name? Uh, will will more.
TJ:William sinclair more on the show, uh, this season, and he said something in his episode that is still like like living with me, where he was saying that there are so many moments in life where if, if someone says no or like dismisses you or or discredits your feelings, so much stuff in you can die in that moment and those doors can close, versus when you get a yes and when you are receptive to someone, so many things can be birthed in that exchange with your friend. Again, just speaking from my own lived experience, those are the moments that are worth taking the risk, right, because you don't know what's going to happen. Your whole thought process is purely perception of the situation from your side and not necessarily the other person's Right. It could have been that the person was like oh yeah, I was just waiting on you to you know exactly because, um, I even think about how the the current relationship that I'm in.
TJ:We've been together since 2007 and had I not taken the leap and actually spoke to this person, we would not be together, because he was very much like I wasn't gonna say anything because I thought you were straight, uh, and I was very much like no, like I was staring at you and wanting you know some sort of acknowledgement of that to like have an okay to say something to you. Um, so, yeah, it's, it's beautiful in the sense that so many of our life's moments and like very teachable moments, I think, exist in that space of like just just do it, just take the risk you know, absolutely.
Lonnie:Yeah, you got me thinking about a couple of things. One is you know the old time, you know you miss all the shots you don't take. I think that is that applies across the board. Or like as my mom used to say, like what are you going to lose? Like the worst thing in this scenario that could happen is like the person could say no or whatever that means. But absolutely I think you should and I think what I've learned about that process, but also just even like going up to guys and um, you know, taking the first um, like you said, like taking the first step to to introduce myself and to start the conversation, is that I had to dig deep and I'm not generalizing audience because I know I don't want anybody to come for me, but you can if you want. When we think about why we don't do things that we want to do, you got to really look inward and say why am I not doing it? And for me, I'm only speaking for me. Really look inward and say why am I not doing it? And for me, I'm only speaking for me.
Lonnie:For me, it was a lack of a sense of self in terms of my confidence, like cause, cause. My thought was like well, what would you want someone to do? Oh, I want someone to be confident and come up to me and say what they, what's on their mind, and introduce themselves. And I would want, cause I'm really attracted to confidence. And then I started taking an inventory of the things I like in other men, whether they be celebrities I think about Lenny Kravitz and I love that like androgyny and that like confidence to be a little bit different or whatever, as a man. And I'm like you like confidence, you like educated men, you like people that have a strong sense of style and self. And I'm like, and I asked myself do you think you have all those things? This is like a conversation I had with myself and I said yes, so I'm like so why do you think that someone else is worthy of feeling like? They can come up to you with all of that that you say you have. So then I just shifted my mind. I'm like no, you have to stop. Like, you really need to start doing this. So I think to your point you don't lose anything by being honest and being yourself, and if that includes telling a friend that you're, it's not like I was in love with this person.
Lonnie:But I'm like, hey, there's a romantic interest there. They were in a relationship when we first met and so it was. Actually it was even more serendipitous because I was like, wow, they just broke up and like here's my chance. Because in my mind I'm like this person is going to be with this person. So of course, that will never happen and I'll just keep it inside. And it wasn't like this burning thing where I'm like, oh my God, like I can't wait. I just want to have sex with you every time I see you. But I did. I felt like when that relationship ended with I'm just like, wow, this seems like the universe is opening this up, at least for me to say something you know. So I agree with you.
Lonnie:It builds your character, not in a toxic way, but in a way where, when I think about rejection which is what I think a lot of rejection because, um, that reject to me, that doesn't, it's not even a rejection. It's just like you know, someone doesn't want what you want. That's not necessarily rejection. It's just like I had a desire that I would have loved to work a specific way, or at least to find out. But when we think about breakups and we think about people not being interested in us, that cheating on us and all that other stuff. I'm an Aquarius and this may be why I think like this.
Lonnie:But they say we can be a little self-centered. But to me, none of that has anything to do with me. It has nothing that if someone cheating on me has nothing to do with me. But I know, a lot of times we internalize rejection.
Lonnie:When it comes to relationships, we internalize oh, I shot my shot and this is why I don't do this. You did it one time. The person wasn't into it, there is someone else that would love it. And I will say that once I started, after I took that inventory and I basically started, like when I went out not all the time, but I would be more confident and like if I saw something, see something, say something, like in New York, I was like talking to boys, like men, like, hey guys, I'm interested, you know, and what I learned is that I got more acceptance than I got rejection. I really did, and I'm not saying that to, but I think that's what happens is that we don't practice things enough to have enough data to say well, actually, out of the 25 people I talked to not that I can track, one of them wasn't interested, but 24 of them was it kind of built your confidence, so that's been helpful for me. I love that.
TJ:There's also this space, I think and I'm curious to know your thoughts because you've now done both coasts, and I'm curious to know your thoughts because you've now done both coasts but I feel like in New York specifically, there's a different type of energy. Here, where people are, although from the outside it looks like people are closed off, people are actually pretty receptive in New York. Like, if you approach someone and like speak to them like a normal person, not trying to sell them anything, because I feel like that is the thing in New York is that you can walk down the street and someone's trying to sell you something, you're like no, I don't have money, I don't have time. But if you genuinely want to have a connection with people, people are pretty receptive.
TJ:Like the amount of times that I've connected with someone on the train or in a store or like at a coffee shop that I did not know, that I just so happened to see, maybe like twice, and commented on that and formed some type of relationship from that moment, even if it's a I use this as an example like there's a coffee shop near my house that I go to every day. It got to the point where the baristas actually know my name now, know my order and actually genuinely care about, like how your day is going Right, whereas if I had not engaged with them or had a moment with them first, or even allowed them to allow them in right to want to have a conversation with me, it could have been very closed off, it could have been very sterile. So I feel like those moments in New York do exist. I'm curious to know if those exist for you in LA.
Lonnie:Yeah, no, I think you're absolutely right. I definitely see a difference between the East Coast and the West Coast as it pertains to those types of things. I would say the difference is less about people wanting to be talked to and more about authenticity. I feel like and I think this is very common and very stereotypical, but I have the experience to say on the East Coast things are a bit more raw and real. So if someone likes you, whether you introduce yourself to them or not, it's probably true they like you, like, let's go. If I'm hollering, I really want to holler If I, if I'm talking to you on the dating app, I really want to talk to you.
Lonnie:Here in on the West coast, or at least in Southern, in Los Angeles, I'd say there is a bit more of a sense of a veneer over everything sometimes. So someone might be showing interest but they might not be interested, which is it's very hard for East coasters to deal with because we're so used to being direct and like yo, you wasted my time. So here's, someone will meet you in the coffee shop and say, oh, my goodness, I love your shirt, let's hang out. Let's hang out. You seem like a really cool person and actually not mean it at all and, you know, flake and do all these things. So that can be a bit disappointing. But, yeah, absolutely, I think something you said earlier I think is super important too. More people than not, I believe, want to be talked to, and we're all at parties, like when I hear people including myself, I've done it too you go to a party and you're like that party was whack because everyone was in their group talking, you know. So that gives me the clue that we all want to be talked to, but we all, like, want someone else to do it. And I don't know if it was gandhi or somebody who said, like you have to be the change you want to see in the world I'm misquoting, I think, the person, but I think it's really true. We have to start acting and coming up to people and talking and stuff like that, I think more not being afraid of the rejection, but it can be hard in cities like this where there is some disingenuous interactions.
Lonnie:And the other thing you said reminded me of, you know, this idea of you know, when you are thinking about connecting, thinking about what your values are Like, what are my values that pertain to relationships, friends. You know we often say that it's hard to make friends as adults, which I agree with. But I think if you find, if you take an inventory of your values, sometimes it's easier to kind of connect with people across those values and that can kind of take some of the pressure off of meeting them because you have something in common that you really like. Like, whether it's art or social, social justice or, you know, whatever the topic may be, finding people in those spaces I found have been easier to connect with because, um, because it's just like you have something in common. It's funny, and I'll say one more story. This is funny. I'm kind of having flashbacks of my New York. Speaking of New York, I never said this publicly before, but I have a really fun story about meeting someone, a stranger, and this is this. Sounds like it's from a movie but, it's.
Lonnie:I promise it's true. I once saw this guy on the train in the Bronx I used to live in the Bronx before I moved here and he was really attractive he was. I found out later he was a model and something. I've always had this like fantasy of airdropping a stranger and I've never done it and I don't know what in my mind this morning. That morning allowed me to say try to airdrop and see, cause it was a very empty train. It was the morning I was on my way to a doctor's appointment.
Lonnie:So, you know it was early and you know it wasn't that many people and it was uptown, it was like the red line, so it wasn't like super crowded, it wasn't like the A or the C E, it was like the three or four, it was something that wasn't super busy. So it was just him and I'm like chances are he has a black name. You know what I mean. So if I open up my airdrop, if I see Jabarius or something, I'm like that's him. And I actually forgot that I did this.
Lonnie:This was so bold of me. I wrote a note in my phone and I screenshot like hey, how are you? And I airdropped it to him and I said good morning. And we had a whole conversation back and forth by like airdropping these photos of notes and I couldn't believe it. And then at the end that we exchanged phone numbers and it fizzled out and nothing happened. But I was like you really just did that. Like you know, it was something out of like a romantic comedy, but I really did it and it worked. And to to to my point, to your point, it works more than it doesn't? You just have to try, you know.
TJ:So, yeah, I did that jesus, that that I, I, I love that, that is. That's such a new york story, you know such a new york story.
Lonnie:So I think to your point actually I take that back. I think, yeah, new York is more susceptible to stuff like that.
TJ:Like I don't know if I could do that here.
Lonnie:I don't know if that will work.
TJ:I feel like there's not a lot of. I mean, I've only visited and not lived there, but I would imagine there's not a lot of opportunity there for those types of moments.
Lonnie:Right, it's not. Yeah, because there's not as much public transportation, there's not as much walkability, walkable experiences every year, driving to everything. So here communities write hard because you're not often forced to be with strangers. You know, I was on my way to a doctor's appointment that morning and saw that guy on the train. That doesn't really happen here because I'm driving and stuff like that.
Lonnie:But also just yeah, I think there's just this fearlessness about the East Coast that I really like. It's just just like it is what it is, which I mean can get you in trouble. Sometimes there is this just like boldness, and I don't know it was the pandemic too. So I feel like the pandemic. My brain was just like there's so much going on in the world, why not? Like I could die from COVID? So like, what is me like sending a note to this guy on the train? That's yeah.
TJ:I am thinking about that story, like I'm baffled by that because that's such a New York moment and something that like if I saw that in a movie I'd be like that's so sweet, like I would want somebody to do that to me or, you know, want to do that with me. Yeah.
Lonnie:It would have been a good story if we like got married or something Like imagine that being the story at the wedding.
TJ:Yes, good story if we like got married or something like.
Lonnie:Imagine that being the story at the wedding. Yes, like that would have been too bad.
TJ:That didn't work out, but that would have been a really cool origin story of a relationship yeah, it's interesting because I'm like now that has me thinking so what in in your I would say romantic relationships? Because that's I feel like this. We're leaning um and you said something that I feel like this question makes sense. Now, where does self-love fall when it comes to forging relationships with people? Because I do believe there is, like you said earlier, like there are certain things that people have to check off the list for you to, like you know, approach them, slash, want to be approached by them, and I feel like self-love is a pivotal space in there. Where does that fall and like what does it look like for you?
Lonnie:It's a really good question. It's super important. In some ways, I think the answer to that question, and even the concept of that, is the reason why me and maybe some other people are single. Right, I think, when you are single and doing the work, the self-work, your value goes up. And I'm not talking about some high value red pill stuff, but your, your, your, your perspective of yourself goes up because you've done the work and you're like, wow, in order to do the work, you have to love yourself, and so, um, it definitely is super important to me, um, especially because I am someone who really values speaking of values, um, having my own mind, my own perspective, my own personality, my own life.
Lonnie:So self-love is super important in relationships Romantic, I'll stick to is because when you seek a partner, trying to find validation or completion, I think that's when it can be really dangerous because, even if that's a good relationship, you're expecting someone else to fill in the blanks that you're missing. And I'm not talking about someone being complimentary, because I know there's this argument. When people say things like I'm saying that, like, oh no, there is a way that, like a person is good at something that you're not, yeah, that's different than what I'm saying. I'm talking about like self-value. If I'm with you and I don't, really it's just like the thing I talked about approaching people. The thing I had to get through was that you don't think that you deserve even to try to talk to this attractive guy Like how and that sounded crazy to me when I, when I really sat back like oh wow, you don't think that you deserve a chance. So the same with relationships.
Lonnie:If your self love is not in check, I think you can get into spaces where you are seeking out external validation from this partner or from this lover that you don't actually feel for yourself. So then they're not validating something that you already believe they're actually the of this, this so-called truth about yourself, and I think that can be really dangerous. So for me, I think, when I go into relationships and the way I think about it is, yeah, self-care is important. I think solo dates are important. I think spending time with yourself, your friends, still having practices that are healthy practices outside of that person, that feeds into Lonnie. Like what does Lonnie like to do? Like, I'm an avid thrifter. I like to go hiking, I like to drink wine, I like to, like you know, connect with my friends. I got to make sure that I maintain that my looks and my style and stuff for me first, even in a relationship, because if not, I think it's easy for that validation to be dependent on the lover.
TJ:I completely agree. I think that's, um, that is something that, being on the other side of 30, I realized for myself and I think, although I'm grateful for the relationship that I'm in, it was one of the um, the nuances about our relationship that I didn't realize until it was until I was older that I spent so much of 18 to 25 with this one person and kind of like hinged at the hip, so to speak, to where I had kind of lost I don't want to say lost because I don't mean it in that way, but I was still figuring out who I actually was, right and being able to navigate all that. And now, being 35, you know, I now I know the things that I like, I know the things that I don't like, right. I know when I need time to myself. Don't talk to me, I need time to myself.
TJ:I need to go for a walk, I need to have a cup of tea, I need to go to a museum, I just need to go to the movies by myself, and I think there's a lot of that type of thought that gets missed when you've been in a relationship very young and for such an extended amount of time prior to knowing who you actually are, and so I hope that that's such a beautiful point and statement. I loved every moment of that. I am curious to know from you because you did mention this earlier are there in this idea of like self-love prior to entering into any type of relationship with someone else, not just romantic? What are some of those you mentioned affirmations before like? What are some of those affirmations that you do have to kind of just help you feed that self?
Lonnie:Absolutely Something I didn't mention. When you asked me why I moved to LA, I think part of the healing journey that I was on is that I had always gone to therapy, but during that time I really had locked in with a therapist and I remember on our first call which was actually kind of shocking because I felt like I hadn't had a therapist say something so direct to me before After our consultation and maybe the second or the first one, she told me that we would be working on my view of myself and my self-worth.
TJ:And I was so offended.
Lonnie:I was like I'm so confident. What are you talking about? I'm a super confident person. And she said you are confident. But basically she was telling me that you know, let's dig deeper into the source of my confidence. And at the time the source of my confidence wasn't self-worth. And I was like you know, let's dig deeper into the source of my confidence, and at the time the source of my confidence wasn't self-worth. Then I was like oh gosh, I didn't know that the source of my confidence was production. What could I produce? So I've always been a high achiever, which, again, I also did some studies about black queer people and overachieving. That's how we like move, that's how we show up, and I was like whoa, I actually haven't had a high value of self. I've just been really praised and excited about the things I've been able to accomplish.
Lonnie:So, anyway that that's something that came up in my therapy. That leads to the answer about the affirmations, which is that you are enough at base level without doing anything for anyone else. Lonnie deserves love because it's his birthright, not because he has education or he he's creative or he's cool, he can make you laugh. That has been a game changer for me, and it's still hard sometimes to receive love from my friends and even sometimes romantic partners, because I'm so used to this default of my love being conditional to something I could do for the person subconsciously, or do for the situation or me fixing something or saving something. Or even when I think about my family even though I had a pretty decent, I feel like I had a great upbringing. But when you are the prize I was the prize student, the prize family, even my cousin when I go back home, you know, sometimes he's like yo, you broke the family curse, you know, and I think it's such a genuine thing to say. But that comes with an immense amount of pressure. But it also comes with this idea that I can perform my way out of my emotions and that my value is really about me like achieving, and not about me being me. So that's one of the affirmations, and I think one of them is less of a. The other thing I'll say before I stop is it's not so much affirmation, but I think I've learned that one thing that I value in relationships, or I value in myself, is I like being around people who also value people being themselves. So transparency, authenticity, is a value of mine and I've been in relationships before where I didn't know that this was a thing.
Lonnie:But there are people who do not value authenticity. Some people, I'll say in my experience is what I've learned? It's like oh, some people actually value being chosen more than authenticity, because being chosen doesn't have to be authentic. So if I say this is my favorite cup, I don't have to mean that to make this cup feel like it's my favorite. So some people I've learned and I'm not judging that, I'm just saying it's not a high value of mine to be chosen. Some people value being chosen. Some people value being married more than authenticity. So they'd be in a relationship that is not authentically happy but because they're married and I had to learn that I'm like oh, everyone doesn't value authenticity. So for me, I want to be around people who are themselves. So my goal to your point is to try to be myself as much as possible around people and to vet out people who don't value that, because that type of relationship won't serve me at all.
TJ:I wish I could see my face right now, because I'm agreeing with everything money is saying right now. I want to, just I want to. I want to pin this because you just spoke to the depths of my soul Confidence is not equal to your self-worth. Confidence is not equal to your self-worth and your self-worth is not hinged on anyone else. Again, your self-worth is not hinged on anyone else, it's not conditional. So I just needed to say that, because those two things just just tapping right here.
TJ:So, friends, if you were loving this episode as much as I am right now, this is beyond what I could have asked for in an episode about relationships. We're going to end this right here and then come back and join us for part two, which will be in the following week. Thanks so much for listening. This has been the Tea with TJ and I'll see you in part two next week. And so much for listening. This has been Tea with TJ and I'll see you in part two next week and that's our show. Friends, thanks for joining us on Tea with TJ. Please rate, review and subscribe, and you can find us on Instagram at Tea with TJ podcast. And, as always, stay kind, keep sipping and remember we're here, so we might as well do it.
