Thoughts of an Addict
Thoughts of an Addict
Episode 3 - The Power of Powerlessness
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
In this episode, I talk about how the admission that your life has become unmanageable can be your greatest asset in breaking free.
Hello there everybody. This is your grateful recovering addict. My name is em. And thank you so much for tuning into another episode of thoughts of an addict. It's a God, it's just an absolutely beautiful day over here. The sun is shining. Like I said. If you're able to break out of active addiction every day. That you're alive is an absolute gift, but. A little bit of sunshine. That's just a little cherry on top. So I am very happy today and I hope. I hope that you're having a good day as well. So picking up from our last podcast, we were talking about. What does it really mean to be an addict and maybe. The wheels have started turning for you and maybe you're starting to wonder. Hm. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. I'm not trying to push anybody to believe that you're an addict of some kind. If you're not. But if you already knew that you were an addict or you're starting to recognize that you indeed. Have this disease. But what do we do now? And this for many, many people is the absolute hardest part. And this. First step. It blocks a lot of people from even trying to get clean. So the very first thing that I did when I discovered I was an addict was. I tried to regulate it on my own. Okay. And I recognized. All right. So, you know what. Okay have this addiction. What I'm going to do is I'm going to have a few beers here, a few beers there, and, I'll reward myself with some drugs every couple of weeks. And. Eventually. That works for a little bit. It works for a month or two. And then I found myself in the same dark place that I did two months prior. Crawling around on the ground. Disabled by drugs. And then I said, okay, you know what? I'm going to get control over this thing on my own. I'm an addict. So I really, really got to try hard to control it as I'm sure many, many people try to do.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-3So this pattern of. Trying to really regulate. My addiction. It wasn't working for me. Okay. The addicted mind was still there. And it still had control over me. Only it was trying to exist for longer. Right? If you just go full head on into addiction. Then the wheels are going to break down pretty quickly, but I wanted my addiction to keep going. So then I tried other ways I thought to myself. Okay. How about I stay clean for a few months and see what happens. And then, the problem will be cured and I'll be able to go back to drugs here and there. So I remember in college. I joined a Christian group where I would. Read the Bible, join these meetings. I always felt like a fish out of water being a drug addict in these Christian groups. It was able to make me, help me stay clean for a good two months. And then after those two months, re-up I said, All right. I'm cured now, baby, that the addiction thing is gone. I can just go be a quote, unquote, normie, have a few drinks, do drugs here and there. And guess what. It worked story over right wrong. After about a month or two of doing that. Lo and behold, I ended up in the same deep dark hole. That I was in before I decided to, before he admitted that I was an addict. Right. So that was not working for me. I recognize that as an addict. I could not self-regulate because if I could self-regulate guess what. I wouldn't be an addict. There wouldn't be a problem there.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-4And here in my friends lies the rub. I had to admit. To myself. That I was powerless over this thing. That I could not fucking beat this thing on my own, just by trying to self-regulate. Because as I mentioned. If I could have done it on my own, guess what? I would've done it by now. But I failed. I failed once I failed twice, I failed three times and I kept failing at it. And this isn't one of those cases where, well, if you don't succeed, try, try again, because. As an addict, you never know if your next high is going to be your last right. It could be the grave.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-5Don't get me wrong. I didn't want to admit that I was powerless over something. Nobody wants to be powerless. Nobody wants to feel weak. I remember for me, I cannot get over the idea that I was powerless over something. I think a big part of it was tied to frankly, tied the narcissism. What I found from myself and speaking to other recovering addicts is. We're kind of cursed with these narcissistic personality traits where we believe that we're God and we can just solve everything via our own accord. But no, the narcissism was telling me. Em, you can do anything. This stupid addiction thing, you can overcome it on your own. And even though. I had sufficient evidence to prove that I was totally incapable. Of caring lists thing by my own accord. I wasn't willing to admit it.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-6And now warning incoming cliche, but. What did they say about insanity? It's doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. And. What does that suggest that suggest that I was insane. For many years recognizing that I wasn't beating this thing. But I wasn't going to do anything different about it. And it was only when I admitted to myself. Fuck. Threw my hands up in the air and said, fuck it. I can't do this on my own. This thing. Has gotten too powerful. And it's taken control of me. Only then was I able to go seek help and only then were things able to get better? So. What I would ask for you. If you've admitted now that you are an addict or you think that you could be an addict. Is ask yourself. Why haven't you been able to fix it on your own? Why are you still an addict? Because if you're able to fix it on your own, a and B. If you are. Still an addict. Y how would that be possible? Why wouldn't you have fixed it by now, if you really wanted to. And the answer is because we can't do it on our own. At least I couldn't do it on my own. Maybe you can. I truly hope you can. If you're able to have that mind, that's just able to fix things. On its own and that's great, but I can not do it on my own. And it's hard for me to imagine that people really can do it on their own because. If you could have already done it, you would've done it. And it's not like there's new information in your brain and your consciousness that just grew overnight. That somehow is the fix. Now the fix is going to come from outside of yourself, but. We can talk about that. We'll talk about that in a later podcast. So. I would ask you. To really think. Does this thing have power over me. Are the drugs controlling me. Is the addiction controlling me because if it is controlling, you. Well, then by definition, you're powerless. And that's okay, this isn't doomsday. This is an important day. This is a great, beautiful, bright shining day. 'cause now. You can actually work at fixing this thing.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-7If you tell yourself, yeah, I'm an addict, but I'm going to try to control it. No. You can't control it. That's the whole problem. That's what makes you an addict? That's the addicted mind, trying to keep its control over you. And I say. Fuck that. It ends today. Admit that you're powerless admit that this thing has control over you. And then, and only then will you be ready to make a change and start really working on this thing?
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-9And if in your heart of hearts in your deepest consciousness, you really. Thank you have power over this thing. Then fuck yes. More power to you. Go fucking quash this thing, because I don't want anybody to be addicted. So, yeah. Where are we ending here? We're ending at. Yes. I'm an addict. And yes, this thing's taken a fucking hold of me. And I've got to do something else. And now that we're at this point. I think we're ready for real change and real change to me. Oh man. Once you make it to that other side out of active addiction. And start getting into recovery. Fuck man. The gifts that life have to offer. Far exceed. Anything that I ever, ever thought was possible. Thank you so much for tuning in this is M with thoughts of an addict. Hope to see you again.