Thoughts of an Addict
Thoughts of an Addict
Episode 6 - Can I even have fun anymore???
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In this episode, I discuss how the addict's idea of fun will change during the recovery process. FUN is not only POSSIBLE but it is IMMINENT.
Happy happy start to the week. All of my wonderful listeners. This is M on thoughts of an addict. And yeah, this is the first episode in probably four days. So. I'm sorry about that. But life is starting to get incredibly busy. So. I was a wee bit ambitious with my four to five podcast episodes. Per week, it's going to look more like two to three, and hopefully I can maintain this space. But God damn it. We are doing an episode today. And. You'll find that I am pretty high energy because I am excited to be talking on this subject. And I will open this podcast with a quote from one of our great contemporaries who said. F is for friends who do stuff together. You is for you and me. N is for anywhere and any time at all. Down here in the deep blue sea. Now. If you have fine tastes, you'll probably know that. Yes, that is SpongeBob square pants. W really, really wide range on this podcast here from Beatles to SpongeBob, we got it all. And today we're going to be talking about fun. And how your conception of fun is going to change a lot as an addict.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-2Whole idea of having fun. That was one of the biggest hurdles that I faced when I got clean. Because when you're an addict or certainly when I was an addict. The only way that I would derive pleasure. Is from. Hedonism is from dopamine fucking firing off in my brain. I didn't have an overarching purpose in life. I didn't have true connection with people. So. My idea. Uh, fun. Was just maximizing as much fucking dopamine, serotonin epinephrin, whatever the fuck. Chemicals in your brain and just having them all swore out at the same time. And how was that end achieved just by getting absolutely fucking loaded and doing drugs and drinking to the point of blacking out. And without that. I didn't really understand how having fun. Could be possible. I would work Monday through Friday and granted I was getting loaded on. Days of the week, but. I think this applies to a lot of people and not just my addicted listeners. Where you're looking forward to that Friday night, that Saturday night. Where you get to get obliterated. And. I remember I would go on hikes or I would do. Fun things outside or any other activities. Sober, not under the influence of drugs and alcohol. When I was deeply addicted. And I just couldn't. Derive the enjoyment from them. During the active addiction, which makes sense to me. Because here's the comparison, right? We have on one hand. Me taking a substance that literally just explodes. All of the happiness receptors in my brain at once. And I'm comparing that to. An experience like a hike where you have to, where you derive pleasure from nature. It's not just done for you. And that to me was a serious hurdle. That was a huge reason I could not get clean for so long because I was wondering, well, Where's the fun man.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-3And here in lies the rub, my friends. Your idea of fun. It's going to have to change and indeed, it's going to change. It used to be the case where you could literally just have fun by taking a pill. And then no matter what you did, you could be. You can go to a club, you could be rolling around in mud. It doesn't matter. You don't really have to put in any effort to derive that pleasure. But now. Once you get clean. You're going to derive pleasure because you're going to actually be putting in a little bit of effort. And let me describe to you what that looks like at least from my perspective. So. When I first started getting clean. I'm going to be totally candid. It was pretty boring. Because, like I said, I was comparing it to those wild nights out. And like I said, idea of fun was getting blacked out, not remembering anything. Which, looking back at it is insanity. That's what we've been talking about. That this whole addiction thing is a form of insanity.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-4And, As I said in a previous pod, your only job. Is getting your head to that pillow. Without having any drugs in your system. And so what leaves the room for fun? How can you still have fun? And if you're not getting messed up. And here's what happens. Okay. Eventually after a month or two of being clean, I'm not going to lie to you. It was fucking hard. This stuff is hard. Okay. But you're not going through it alone. But after a few months, I got so fucking bored. I needed to find other things to do. That didn't involve drugs and low and behold. I figured out what this word. Hobbies means. I never really fucking understood hobbies. Why the. Why are people knitting? Why are people collecting stamps? Why are people. Even playing sports. I didn't fucking get it. Why would you do any of those things when you, uh, to a club and get wasted, but. It was finally time for me. To try to find hobbies. So, what I did is. I tried out sports. I remember my buddy Bert. You to bring me to the And we would play pickup basketball games. And woo. Boy, did I fucking suck? Granted I still suck, but. That has become. One of my absolute favorite hobbies in the world. Something about just going on the court and giving it your all and being on a team and just fucking. That feeling when that ball goes through the hoop. Once every six games for me. Man that is a feeling. That I wasn't even able to create through drugs.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-5Then I started exploring other ways of having fun. I started going on hikes. I remember when I was getting loaded. I thought nature was fucking stupid. Which sounds like a very arrogant thing to say. And indeed it is because I was insane. And I started to extrapolate value out of things like nature and comradery and. Sports and competition that I didn't understand before, because I never really. Gave myself an opportunity to enjoy these things.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-6And it's time continued to go on. It went from the craving to need to go take that pill. To a craving. To want to get outside and. Maybe hug some trees and smell the fresh air. Or go get absolutely racked in a game of why YMCA basketball against a 15 year old. It didn't matter. My idea of fun. We're starting to change. And while, once my idea of fun was incredibly damaging to my body and the people around me. My new idea of fun. Was actually really healthy. And I think any hobby. Serves value, whether that be physical or be it mental, or could even be something spiritual. Eventually. Once you get clean. You are going to get. So goddamn board. You're actually going to develop hobbies. And then once you develop these hobbies, they're actually going to be way fucking more fun. Then doing the drugs ever were. I mean now in school. I play on five different. I am sports teams. And God damn I suck at all of them. Fuck. But it's okay. It's not. It's not about. Winning. And it's not about losing. It's about getting out there. And doing something good for yourself that you can feel proud of yourself for. And that in itself. Is fun. And I will say. I did pick up one hobby that I think. I am the best at, at this school it's pickleball and. I think 10 of my classmates here would disagree, but that's a sword I'm willing to die on and I doubt any of them are listening anyways. So. Yeah, I can say whatever I want. Anyway.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-7My key takeaway right now is yes. Your idea of fun. Is going to change. It's not going to be the same. And it's going to be very different at first. But in time. It's going to get better. And I promise you. That you're going to be able to have a lot more fun. That you've ever had in your life. If you're able to get clean. And, I'm not even just talking to my addicted friends right now. If you're the kind of person who's like, fuck. I only look forward to that Friday night, getting fucked up obliterated out of my mind. Maybe peel back a little bit on that maybe Friday night. You got to go do something else? Maybe go see a movie. Maybe go. Maybe go bowling. I don't know. I don't know what people do nowadays. But there are other ways to have fun that don't involve getting fucked up. And you need to take a bit of a leap of faith on that one. I know I had to, and it's. One of the best decisions I've ever made. And one of my favorite quotes from. N a literature says. That at one point in time, our idea of fun. Who is doing so many drugs that we're awake until the sun came up. Now that we're clean. We're able to wake up early enough. To watch the sunrise and enjoy the beauty of life.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-8And God damn, isn't that a powerful thing? Anyways. Oh, I hope this was helpful for anybody listening out there. I hope you all have an absolutely wonderful rest of your day. I'm about to go up to the old golf range, probably going to go slice some balls into a forest. And I hope everyone has a really fucking fun rest of your week. Everyone give yourself a break. Relax. I'll see you again. Next time. This is M. Bless you all.