In this special 10th episode, I tell you the story of how I hit rock bottom.
In this special 10th episode, I tell you the story of how I hit rock bottom.
Testing testing 1, 2, 3, 4, and we're back, baby. With thoughts of an addict. I am your grateful recovering host. Em. And I am super stoked to be back granted. Yes. Listening ship is at an all time low, which didn't seem conceivable. But here we are now. And I often just have to remind myself well, People didn't like Elvis at first. Don't know how that relates to this podcast, but here we are. And I really, really am happy to be back here. Last two weeks have been egregiously busy. With school and recruiting and. Bunch of other. Silly things. But here we are. And I've had people actually reaching out to me saying, Hey, Em, when are you going to, when are you going to do another one of those podcasts? And I'm like, damn. Maybe there are people out there. Who like, like what I'm putting out there. And yeah, just wanted to personally, thank everybody who has been so supportive of me on this journey. Encouraging me to keep going. And my schedule has actually just blown wide open. I just finished doing this teaching. This teaching thing that was taken up. A lot of my time, super happy that I did it. Super transformative experience. But now I have a lot more time to work on the podcast. So you're going to be here in M's voice a lot more if that's what you wanted and if that's not what you wanted. And what the hell are you doing listening right now?
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-2:And not only are we back, but. We're about to have our first guest. That's right, baby. Just when you thought thoughts of an addict is coming to an end. We're just getting started. And actually the guests that I'm going to have on next week. The person who found me actually had to go through hell and high water, searching through the streets of all holla to try to find out who I was. And that's not cool. So I actually decided to make an email for this podcast. So if you want to reach out to me, if you want to be on the show, if you want to ask me questions, If you want to say an affirmation, if you want to say that, I suck. That's cool to go ahead and shoot me an email at thoughts of an addict show. At g-mail dot com. Again, that's thoughts of an addict show. At gmail.com. All right. That was a lot of mumbo jumbo. Why don't we dive into the actual episode now? So this is the 10th episode. Can't believe that I've made it this far, but here I am. And today. I actually wanted to talk about my own story a little bit more. I feel like there's probably some value. In sharing my own story to the attic that still suffers. Or the person who's just curious. About what the hell addicts actually go through. So that's what I'm going to do today. I'm going to tell you a little bit more about my story into rock bottom, and then how this idea of rock bottom actually relates to getting clean in this process.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-3:So my rock bottom starts. With a nurse violently shaking me awake. As she says, Hey, em, You know how lucky. You are to be alive right now. Do you even know where you are? To which I respond the Los Angeles. And she says no, M you're in Las Vegas right now. So that's how I knew that I had arrived at rock bottom. So, let me give you a little context around this. The little sad story here. I had. Started a Sunday or Saturday. I don't know what day it was. Like I normally would, I would be ingesting drugs, drinking a little bit just to cope. With the pain of my existence. And I got on a Greyhound. One way he to Vegas apparently. And. There. I met up with a few of my friends and I was with them for only a matter of minutes before we separated. And. I guess I had passed out in a Bush within minutes from the absolutely. Offensive amount of drugs that I was taking. And a homeless man actually found me struggling gasping for air in a Bush. And he called over a security guard and the security guard calls 9 1 1. I get rushed to the hospital. In the hospital, I'm barely breathing. I, the nurse the next day told me that I sounded like a fish just. Just absolutely gasping for air trying. To exist. And the doctor had to put something down my throat. I guess I obviously wasn't conscious for this. I had no idea what the hell was going on. And. Apparently I gained consciousness. And while the doctor is trying to restore me to health, I'm screaming at them. Let me die. Let me fucking die. And. Ooh. And I didn't die. And I'm here. I'm here talking to all of you. And. So obviously the doctor comes and talks to me about this the next day. And I'm immediately put into the psychiatric ward. You know, for trying to kill myself clearly, I'm a danger to myself. I'm a danger to others. I'm not totally sure if that was a suicide attempt, they certainly thought it was me screaming. Let me die. That would. That would be some evidence that it was and the mindset I was in that morning, wasn't too different than mindset that I was in. During that time was. Wow. Life fucking sucks. Nothing is ever going to get better. Thank God. I have drugs to lean on. And if I take too many drugs and I die, then. That's fine. If I don't take too many drugs and I don't die, then that's cool too. Life is just barely. Barely feels like it's worth living because at least there's drugs there. So I'm in the psychiatric ward, staring at the wall. Thinking that things are never going to get better. And this. This, my friends. This is where you probably think, okay, this was rock bottom for em. This is where he turned everything around. He went to narcotics anonymous the next day. And this was the start of his recovery journey. And if you thought that. Boom. You're wrong. In fact, I was laying there and I was thinking, all right. Now I'm really, really going to go hard with the drugs. I'm not dead now, but. This whole experience. Just showed me how shitty. My life really had gotten, this was a mirror into how bad things were. And my response to how bad things were, was not okay. Let's make them better. It's like, all right, it's already shit. Now we can really just go all out. This is, this is it. This is as low as I'm going to be. So might as well just say, fuck all. And so for the next three months, After I had left that psychiatric ward. I kept doing drugs. And in fact, I was doing even more than before. And I didn't think anything was going to change. I thought I was just going to stay on this path. Until I had. Deceased. Okay. But one night. I was a. I was with a really, really good friend of mine, crisp. And we were in my room. And. Out of the blue. My mother starts pounding on the door.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-4:He says. Hey, Chris. Please please save my son. Talk some sense into him. He won't listen to us and I'm just yelling at my mom. I say, Mom, mom, I don't need help. Everything's fine. Of course. The cat was out of the bag. From the whole Vegas incident and the multiple other times I ended up in the hospital, but that's a story for another podcast. And I tell her mom, mom, Kris bank gonna help me. M doesn't need any help. And then. Her frustration just turns into balling. Ah, this poor woman. Just hysterical tears. As she says to me, M M. Your father and I are in the backyard right now. We've got an extra shovel. And we're digging your grave. We don't want to do it on all on our own. If you're going to do this to us, at least help us out. While we're digging up your grave and she is just hysterically crying. And. I'm thinking to myself. The fuck. Okay. Like. I'm fine. If my life has gone to complete shit. You know, maybe I'm hurting others. Along the way as well. And I was in such a depraved state that I didn't really care about the people that I was hurting. But not, not my mama. Okay. The person who loves me most in the world, the person who's fucking. Given me everything. He's given me maybe the only reason I have Deliv. Oh God. They hear in her voice. The pain. That I was putting her through. It was just way too much for me. It was just too much. I had. The most visceral, emotional reaction to hearing my mother. Bowling. Because of me.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-5:And that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I had to try to get clean. I didn't care about my own life. My own life was shit. Okay. It was deprived. I only used to live. And I live to use and. I had just turned into this. Beast creature whose only purpose in life was to get that fucking dopamine humping out of my ear. Holes. But. I in that moment. Had a reason to get clean, a real reason to get clean is that, that was so I never had to hear. My mother bawling like that again. And the next day I went to narcotics anonymous. And the rest is history. And here I am. A little more than five years later. Living to tail, tell the tale to all of you. Rock bottom. Yeah. It's interesting how that works, right? Because. I would have definitely thought From an outsider's perspective. Oh, that time where he went to the Las Vegas hospital without being there, that's gotta be rock bottom, right. But no. But no. For me. Rock bottom. Was when I had created. In extremely negative emotional reaction in the person I cared most about in the world. People ask me all the time. They asked me, um, I have this friend, I had this family member. They. Want to get clean, but they're not so sure. Or they say they're obviously an addict, but they won't admit it. And usually, and unfortunately my answer is, well, yeah. Usually you got to hit rock bottom. Before you make an actual change. Because. If you're able to keep living. With drugs. And. You haven't reached a breaking point. Well then. Why would you change anything if you aren't, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. And that's what rock bottom is. Fucking breaks. You. And. Maybe for a lot of people. Rock bottom is a very personal experience. Maybe you're climbing out from behind a dumpster while the sun's coming up. But for me personally, My rock bottom. Was really viscerally damaging. The woman that I care about most, the person that I care about most long with my father. In my entire life. I can't define anyone's rock bottom for them. And this is important to you. Can't define. Rock bottom for anybody else. If you have someone in your life who you think is struggling with addiction, And it seems like they've hit rock bottom. Well, Maybe they haven't, if they haven't changed yet, then. Clearly they haven't hit their rock bottom yet. And if you think that you've hit your rock bottom, if you're an addict and you think you've hit rock bottom. And you're still using. I'll tell you what friend. It can go lower. He can go lower. And I don't want you to get there. Okay. This addiction thing, it ends in three ways. Okay. It's jails institutions or death. Oh, my. Or. You recover. It's that simple. It gets progressively worse until you hit that rock bottom. So please, please. If you're an addict. Take my word for it. Don't wait for you to hit that rock bottom lip. My story. Be your inspiration, your motivation, your whatever, the fuck. To go get the help that you need now. I don't wait to hit rock bottom because it's waiting for you. And you don't need to get all the way to that point. To get clean.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-6:Anyways. That was some heavy shit. Sorry that my first episode in two weeks. It's pretty fucking grim, but. There's hope out there. There is so much hope out there there's so much goodness out there. And if you're deep, deep in the grips. Of active addiction. There is a way out there is a way out. And once you make it out, once you start climbing out of that rock bottom out of that hole. Oh, my God, the gifts of this life, the gifts of this world. It'll transcend. Anything. That you ever thought possible? It is good to be back. Thank you so much for listening. And I will be back. More often than I was before. We're having guests soon. And I just cannot wait to continue to tell my story. Hopefully provide some hope, provide some life to people that are still suffering. Hope everybody has an absolutely beautiful rest of your day. This is M this is thoughts of an addict. Owl.