In this episode, HOLY SMOKES WE HAVE A GUEST!? Someone was crazy enough to come on the show? I wonder what will happen...
In this episode, HOLY SMOKES WE HAVE A GUEST!? Someone was crazy enough to come on the show? I wonder what will happen...
Hello. Hello. We are back here with Thoughts of an Addict. My name is Em. I am your grateful, recovering addict with a microphone. And I'm not gonna dilly dally too much today. I am just gonna dive right in because we have someone crazy enough to actually come on my podcast today. That's right, listeners. have our very first The, the way that this one actually came about is it's pretty interesting. I, had someone reach out to me. They, they found my email somehow. I thought I was anonymized here, but I guess I shit the bet on that one. So that's why I have an email for you now so you don't have to through the internet to find me like, like this poor woman had to. I am at Thoughts of an addict show@gmail.com, thoughts of an addict show@gmail.com. Anyway, I am not going to suppress my guest any longer. His name is Brett. is an amazing man and I will let him introduce himself right now. What's up, Brett?
Track 1:Hey, M, how you doing? Oh, my name's.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:to have you here.
Track 1:I'm, I'm very grateful to be here. So, yeah, my name is Brett. I am a recovering addict, alcoholic, uh, dual diagnosis mental health, and, uh, That's just a part of me. That's not who I am. Uh, so yeah, uh, I guess a little bit about myself. Um, I started doing this kind of, uh, recovery thing. I started in 1996 with treatment and, uh, that didn't really work for me'cause I kept doing it for many, many, many years. Uh, I ended in treatment again two more times, but this, uh, this last time was, uh, the time that my life kind of changed and brought me to where I am today. I work at a treatment center in Spring Branch, Texas. In between San Antonio and Austin Ripple, w Ranch Recovery. And, uh, I just try to help people learn about sobriety and, and mental health, deal with, uh, trauma, deal with all aspects of addiction. You know, just, just dealing with life, learning how to deal with life really, and, uh, be happy.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah. Yeah. Life on life's terms can be a real bitch sometimes, can't it?
Track 1:Absolutely. So, yeah.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah. It sounds like a, sounds like a worthy cause brother, and super happy to have you here. Um, I was hoping you could dig a little bit into your journey a little bit. I, people who listen to the show know quite a bit about m by now.
Track 1:Okay.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:for them to know a little bit about Brett as well.
Track 1:All right. Yeah. Um, so. I guess what kind of just, uh, I'll start kind of in the beginning. I bounce around a little bit'cause I kind of, uh, have a hard time keeping everything together. But, uh, anyway, yeah, I, you know, I was kind of born into this, I guess this world. I didn't come out with my hand raised saying that I wanted to have any mental health problems. And I certainly didn't say that I wanted to be an addict or alcoholic. And I certainly didn't know about any of this kind of stuff for a very long time in my life. Um, you know, as a child, kind of go through some of the things of, uh, divorce, you know, it's some, some different traumas, uh, childhood traumas, uh, grow up just searching for something. And you know what, it was about 13 years old when I found my first drug in my hand and That was, uh, a relief I didn't know existed. And that was kind of the start of everything, and it took me a real long time to kind of figure that, that out. But when I looked back, I knew it almost instantly that that was my, that was my solution to any pains in my life. Um, years down the road, I, I would join the military. Uh, had I got married, had three children really quickly in the military. Uh, I was trying not to use alcohol or drugs, but it was just everywhere. So I kept medicating myself and it was causing tons of problems in my personal life to the point where I ended up getting a divorce. My wife had actually told me she was pregnant. And I sat and cried because I knew that we were separating. And, and that did happen very shortly after that. I didn't even get to see my first daughter until she was almost two years old, because I was just not, I wasn't sane. The only thing I thought about was my job and the military. That was it. I couldn't function if it weren't for the military at the time, I would've had absolutely no purpose in life. And I, I don't know where I would've ended up at that time. Uh, when I ended up getting out, I, I was very addicted to methamphetamines and heroin. Uh, my ex-wife is the one who actually helped me to get into treatment. And my father, um, I was on the brink death. Like I just, I was going insane. I, I was living in a barn. Um, I couldn't, I couldn't do anything. I, I didn't know how to live. I didn't know how to function. I had three children. I couldn't pay child support. I couldn't see them. I couldn't, I couldn't do anything. So treatment was it. And I ended up in driving through like a skid roll down in Denver, Colorado, looking for treatment centers. And I, I looked at my ex-wife and I was like, this is what treatment's gonna be like. I'm not fucking going. No way am I doing this.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yep.
Track 1:So
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yep.
Track 1:we ended up in this place up in Essis Park, Colorado. And that's, my dad paid for it, fortunately. And, uh, I actually got three years clean from that time. What I didn't get is sobriety. I was
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Hmm.
Track 1:dry. I was so dry. My, my kids were afraid of me. My I ended up getting remarried. Uh, she was afraid of me. Uh, my, my P T S D was in full rage mode. I, if things didn't go my way, I would just explode. And I, I didn't know that I was even doing these things. And, uh, I can remember to this day my, my first drink, uh, and this was, I was, what was I, 29, 29 years old when I took that first drink. And it was a buddy I hadn't seen in many years. And he, he really didn't think anything.'cause we used to do all this stuff together. And, uh, he just brought over a, a six, six pack of beer and he is like, here is a barbecue. And I was like, yeah, no problem. And I knew it was. I think everybody knew it was a problem, really. And, uh, that was it, you know, and it kept going until I was 46 years old, 47, ended up in another divorce, another marriage, another divorce. Lost my houses, lost cars, lost trucks. I've been up and down homelessness. Um, I've always had a, a really good job, made really good money. Um, I was able to do that kind of stuff, but I couldn't deal with life.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:mm-hmm.
Track 1:deal with people any, any, any issues at all come up. And I just, I didn't know how to function. Uh, I've got a, a traumatic brain injury that puts really, it's hard to focus on numbers. I've got some other, you know, other mental health issues, bipolar, uh, A D H D, that really things just, I. Were really difficult. I never could figure these things out. Why am I struggling so much with stuff, even when I wanna be sober? I can't because there's all these obstacles and these things that happen and blah, you know, all these excuses that I kept making. But I never dealt with these. And I, I ended up back in, in treatment again and, uh, 2020, and this is after being in jail a few times. DWIs, two of'em, uh, assaults. Just stupid, stupid shit.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yep.
Track 1:And, uh, I go to treatment. I was, I was, I've lost my jobs. Numerous, my job, numerous times I was unionized, so I didn't really lose it. I just had to go to treatment or whatever. I've been very lucky there. But, uh, when I went to treatment in 2020, I wanted it'cause I was really di I was really tired and I was dying again and, I mean, this is like, at this point it was life and death. Like my father was literally calling, checking on me every single day. And we hadn't been really close for a long time. And I, I mean, I, I, my little sister messaged me, she was in in Europe and messaged me and she's like, what the hell did you say to dad?'cause you about, gave him a heart attack. He had to go to the hospital. And I don't even know what I did, but, uh, this is what stemmed him calling me and texting me and just trying to keep me alive for about a month before I ended up in treatment. And, uh, when I got there, I was broke, man. I, I was in detox for eight, eight days. I couldn't move, couldn't get outta that room. But I picked up a book and it's a, it's a blue book and it's got a circle on the front of it. And I don't even know how I did this, but I did. And I started reading and it told me that I had to admit that I was powerless. And it said something about needing a higher power. Well, I am a man and I have always been able to provide somehow for myself. I've always been able to take care of myself one way or another. And I have been through the military and the infantry. I've done a lot of shit. I've gotten into some pretty good schools. I've been a pretty powerful person. So it was really hard to admit that I'm not a powerful person, and it's really hard to admit that I can't control things because I have controlled a lot of things. And uh, I had to say to myself, what do you want, Brett? So I prayed and I was not a person who believed in God at all. I'd given that up a long time ago.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yep.
Track 1:In fact, I gave that up in about 1994. Like I just no longer believe in God whatsoever. This is 2020. And uh, when I prayed, I had this feeling come through my body like a burning bush, like what they talk about, like the inside of my body was on fire. And it was absolutely crazy and I felt a relief. And I remembered clear back in 96 when I was in treatment. I laid in the middle of this river on top of a rock and I did the same thing. And I was praying to Mother Nature.'cause I remembered all of a sudden I had to have a higher power. And I picked that mother nature, was it because there was no belief in God and heroin and meth were like just relieved from my body and I was good to go. So here I'm again praying and I'm getting this overwhelming feeling through my body and I'm having this relief and I was like, wow, this is crazy. So I started like this Sun Sunday comes and they did this, uh, Online church service'cause it's covid, nobody can go anywhere. And it's the first time that I'm doing anything. And all I'm doing is I'm hearing these two online preachers talk about how great they are and how much money they're making for their church. And they've got all this stuff. And I'm like, this is why I don't believe in God. This is bullshit. This isn't what I want. So that kind of turned me off instantly.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:But there kept being people put into my life that kept telling me to look at different things. So I did, I kept listening and then I, I got some, a sponsor who kept guiding me and I kept listening and then in walked a person into the center that, uh, some things changed and I stopped really focusing on my recovery. And I started focusing on this person. And that was not the best solution that I could have done because that spun a, uh, relapse in six hours after 58 days of sobriety. and something that would last for two years. Um, probably, I would say that it was an, it was emotionally one of the most alone times I've ever been in my life.'cause I was supposed to be sober. Everybody thought I was sober. I was back to work. I was doing okay. Everybody thought that I was doing well, but in my brain I was not good at all. I was so
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:alone. And this one put me to a place where I could barely leave my house. Um, I was about to be homeless again because all I was doing was getting drunk using pills to, you know, Disappeared. Uh, I, if it weren't for DoorDash, I wouldn't have eaten. I, I literally couldn't go outta my house. I could go to work,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:but yeah, I could not leave. Uh, so I was ready to check out and I messaged my best friend in the world who happened to be in treatment and kind of like, I couldn't talk to that person anymore. So I had nothing, any, like, I could not talk to anyone. So that was it, man. I, I was done. And I, me, her, and I s I told her at some point in this like two week, three week period of time, I don't even know. I message her and I s I told her, I love you, and, uh, I'm just done. I want you to have a good, happy life, but I, I can't do this anymore. Goodbye. And, uh, I don't really know how all this happened. What I remember was waking up to a dinging on my phone. And it was her messaging me. She was in Mount Sinai Hospital in LA having seizures. And basically what she said is, if you're not gonna be alive, neither am I. And I was waking up in a pile of puke, staring at a bag of heroin, in a bag of meth in my bathroom. Uh, she's my best friend in, in the world, and I couldn't do that. So I poured it out. I called, uh, e a p and I told'em I'm, I'm a lot worse than I've been letting on. I need help. And so about a week or so, I'm not sure, I think it was a week I was back in treatment, and this time I came for somebody else. But a couple weeks into it, it changed. Um, I was given a therapist who was, uh, Amazing. Like she's made me start looking at things that I never looked at. I had a recovery coach who was really very helpful. He was a, he was in the Marines, he was infantry, uh, he was a Texas ranger, so we really were able to quit even though he was a, my therapist was a, a police officer and my recovery coach was a police officer, and I kind of liked the other side of the law, you know, without law. So
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:was kind of humorous, uh, just the way all this stuff was working. And so I made changes and I started doing it for myself. And I started it being accepting of the fact that I did have mental health problems. And a lot of those were driving my issues in life because I never dealt with them completely. I always let them sit. It's not like I wanted to, I just didn't know. And all of a sudden I got this diagnosis of bipolar and I thought that was like the end of the world. So like, literally I would rather be called a junkie than, uh, told I had bipolar. I, I don't know, that's just ridiculous, right?
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Hmm.
Track 1:But that was how I looked at it. You see all these commercials of people and you just see these, you know, people with bipolar, like they don't do well. And I'm like, that's all I ever saw it. I never really looked at it. Even though I know people with bipolar who are very well functioning, you would never even know. But for me it was a stigma that really took me, it took me about a good close to a month to accept it. While I was in, thank God I was told I was in treatment.'cause I don't know what would've happened. Um, once I got on medications for that and an anxiety, I started dealing with some of my traumas. Things just started dropping into place. I started working my program, my sponsor was really very helpful. Um, I did 90 days in treat inpatient. I did 60 days out of outpatient. I was told that sober living would be a very good idea for me. And I laughed at that because I was gonna go back to my job. Everybody's telling me that's a horrible idea for you. And I'm like, well, I don't know what the hell else I'm gonna do.'cause that's what I've been doing forever. And, you know, so anyway, so eventually I come to the conclusion, you know what, they're not, I can't go back to work right now anyway, so I'll just go live in sober living until I can go back to work. Well, it just started quick and everything started happening. I, uh, talked to my, a buddy of mine, my recovery coach actually, and I was like, Hey dude, I need a job because all my disability was running out and, uh, I wasn't gonna get my job back yet. So he actually gave me a. He made some calls, he gave me a phone number to call, and uh, I interviewed here at Ripple Ranch and I got the job as a night tech. Just basically, you know, doing tech stuff like walking around, making sure clients are doing what they're supposed to, keeping things cleaned and picked up, taking care of themselves, going to groups, you know, that kind of stuff.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Mm-hmm.
Track 1:eventually I moved into the position I'm in now, which I take, I do all the intake assessments and I do a, the group coordination, uh, lead and instruct a lot of the groups. I'm in school now to finish up my degree, get my master's in social work. And life has just changed everything with putting in the work and listening to my therapist, my sponsor, surrounding myself with the, you know, the people that I want to be. Has, has changed my life and the right medications finally, and it, well, not finally the right medications, more like finally accepting the fact that my brain is not like everybody else's. I don't produce all the same chemicals that everybody else does, and I have something in there that says I'm an addict and I can't use drugs or alcohol.'cause if I do, I'll destroy my life. So
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yep.
Track 1:yeah, that's, that's, that's kind of it in a quick nutshell. You know,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Jesus, man. Sounds like you've had some fucking downs and all
Track 1:brother
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:is, uh, this is all,
Track 1:I'm telling you man, I have, I have been up, down, all around, around the world. that I, yeah, it's, it's been a crazy life, man. I've, I've been blessed. I can tell you that. And I, when I say I've been blessed and I start, when I really tell the whole story, man, people look at me like, why are you blessed? That sounds
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:yeah.
Track 1:absolutely fucking miserable. And I'm like, because if I didn't go through all of that, how the fuck would I say people's or how the, how would I have any information or knowledge in me to be able to help anybody else?
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:And my higher powers, my spirituality is so strong and my faith is so strong that everything I get is from that. And I pass it on to other people and they either take it or they don't. And that's what helps me stay who I am.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah, that's right, brother. We only keep what we have by giving it away.
Track 1:Yeah, absolutely.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah. You know, I, I mean, for me, the whole therapeutic value of one addict helping another addict, it, it just to, for me personally, it just seems so fucking true. Like, you know, I'm not dissuading the, the therapeutic value, obviously, of therapy. But, you know, some dude who's had a perfect life and then went to a prestigious college, you know, in his ivory tower with his fancy degree, I don't think that does as much as a fucking degenerate addict who is in the fucking hole in the pits of hell. and really empathizing with exactly what you're going through, man, I just think there is nothing that beats the value of one addict helping another addict.
Track 1:Yeah, I think we definitely need, I both, um, you know, and it's, it is a hard situation for me because I do work. on both sides. Like I see therapists who aren't in recovery. They, they're not addicts, they're not alcoholics, but they're in this field. And I do know there are people who don't even want to talk with them because they're not, and they are absolutely amazing therapists and they're great at their job. And I start talking to'em and I'm like, you know, here's the thing. What do you have in your life that you've had to overcome? And they're like, well, we have, I have all the, this, this, this, and this. I'm like, you know, so you've got the mental health side. You don't, what do you understand about addiction? And they start talking about it. I'm like, okay, you can relate in these ways to an addict, but you're not trying to fucking literally just survive today to get high. And really, you don't even wanna survive. You just don't want to fucking hurt. And you don't even, it's not even the hurt, it's just this drive to get high. You don't even know why, you just can't stop. And it, that's addiction. Like, you just don't, you don't wanna do it, you just do.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:yep. Exactly.
Track 1:And
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:the fuck its.
Track 1:yeah, so I'm very blessed that I work with a lot of really good people and they do listen and about addiction and just really well trained and versed in it. And the people who aren't in the recovery side of it, they, they do listen and they want to understand and they hang around the addiction people so that they know what they're, they're with. So I think that's really cool and it's kind of made me look at changing my perspective in this because it's opened me up to the thought of, you know, what? Everybody has issues and problems. This whole world is just covered in problems. Like, we're all worried about material things, but we don't really help each other. And that's where I see real issues with alcoholics and addicts is we're, we're empaths and we take in everybody's issues and it's like, oh,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yep.
Track 1:too much. It's overwhelming.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah,
Track 1:my God, this world's fucking miserable I'm just gonna, I'm not gonna,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:yeah,
Track 1:I'm not gonna be in it. I'm just gonna be over here on the sidelines. Y'all deal with it. I'll be fucked up. We're good. Right? So I,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:It's like some kind of fucking degenerate shaman.
Track 1:yeah. Yeah. it's nuts, man. I, but it's, I'm really grateful for the people I work with and.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:I think sometimes you just gotta give it a chance with the therapist. You know, like maybe they aren't an addict or an alcoholic, but I bet you the majority of people that go into this field, they have some sort of issue that they had to overcome and they did some therapy themselves and they're, they're here to,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:That's why everyone goes into psychology.
Track 1:yeah, I think so.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:to fucking cure themselves.
Track 1:Yeah. That's, I think, one of the worst fucking reasons to go into it. Because you're not doing it. Oh my God, we were just talking about that this morning. What, what's the number one rule when you go into this field? Do not diagnose yourself,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah. And yeah, dude, I, I couldn't agree more, man. I, I think it's a, I think it's a tandem effort, man. I think, there is, you know, it's really good to have a therapist, really good to have a sponsor, but man, when you fucking combine them, I think that's where, I think that's where change can, can start to really occur. At least that's what happened to me.
Track 1:Absolutely. Absolutely. I agree with you a hundred percent. I, I had a question for you, em,'cause we were gonna talk about relapse.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Oh yeah.
Track 1:So like, when you're working with your sponsor and, uh, you, you're getting those cravings, what does your sponsor tell you first?
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Um, so yeah, yeah. Just to back up for a second here, we actually do have a fucking topic today. Believe it or not. me pull up these chicken scratch fucking notes. I wrote five minutes before this, so we're talking about today. And yeah, so Brett, thanks for, thanks for opening the discussion.
Track 1:Sorry.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:you're, you're, no, you're, you're good. We, we should probably start talking about this sometime. Um, so yeah. What, what does my sponsor tell me when I tell him I'm having cravings? Well, of all, I need to get my fucking ass to a meeting. Um, I need to myself with other addicts, and I need to speak, I need to start talking to other people you know, I could tell my friends like, oh, I'm having these cravings. And if they're not addicts, and you know, 99% of them are not. I mean, they're, they're, they're great people. I fucking love'em to death, but they're not gonna have the right kind of advice because they don't, they don't truly understand my plight. But talking to another addict, they're gonna be able to tell me they deal with it, you know? And. So one of the things that I do personally, after, of course going to a meeting and talking to other addicts, and I don't know if this is necessarily the right thing to do, but it's what I do, dude, I fucking work my ass off fitness wise. I will just fucking go out and I'll just start running and I'm just gonna be slamming fucking system of a down rage against the machine, I am just gonna run as hard as I can for as long as I can because I don't know, I feel like these natural endorphins that get released when I'm doing hard fitness for me really alters the cravings. And I don't know how good of a long-term solution that is. I mean, fuck if I break my leg, then there goes that avenue. But that's what, that's what works best for me right now.
Track 1:Mm-hmm. Yeah, I, you know, I, I did that too. Like, I was really, really big into working out like it was, I. something that kept me happy anytime I was in the gym or out mountain biking. I've never enjoyed running That's been something I,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:military,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:sucks.
Track 1:military took all excitement to go running away. Like it was, that was it. No, I'm done. Don't need run anymore. But I love the gym. I love lifting weights. Like I had this goal, I wanted to break, I wanted to make 1000 pound deadlift one time, and I was, I was going for it, man. I got up to 700 and, uh, I can't remember how much it was, 700 something and I injured myself. So at that point, I have not been able to really, to work out anymore. I can't run my right leg is, I got this issue and it's, it's a blood disease. It just all, it kind of weirdly happened all at the same time. Right. And it, I can't say that this was helping me with drugs and alcohol at the time, but it was keeping my brain kind of happier in that sense. But I definitely was not sober. Uh, but once that injury happened, I can tell you that like my, my psyche just went to total dog shit. It took the one thing that made me okay away,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Mm-hmm.
Track 1:and I, I didn't have a good health, I didn't have a good relationship with anybody, especially myself. I'd no longer had the ability to work out. I couldn't go mountain biking. Any, like, going outside to go for a walk around the block was not enjoyable. Like walking a block was literally painful. So that just to me was like, you know what? Fuck this. It's, it's just worse. I've had three surgeries, bypasses, and I had take a shit ton of pills. Not just for the mental health stuff, but for the health stuff. And it's just like, man, like could you give me any more fucking barriers to. Try and stay sober, which I wasn't even trying, so I don't know why I was arguing with myself about that. I was using, it was just another excuse. But the, the, like you're talking with the exercise, I think that's one of the greatest tools that a person can use. And even with me, I can still exercise. Like yoga, I can do that.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:Meditation. That's like one of my, that's one of my go-tos now. Like for sobriety. Meditation is so huge in prayer.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Hmm. Oh, dude, I, I, I wouldn't even say that meditation is huge
Track 1:I
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:sobriety. I, I think it's fucking dude.
Track 1:There you go. Critical. I like that even better. Yeah.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:I mean, dude, I, these like, even, even if you've been clean for 20 years, dude, like you've got demons, you've got these, like the addiction never goes away.
Track 1:Mm-hmm.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:never goes away. Of course. Right? That's why we stay clean, know, every single day.
Track 1:Yeah.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:can't, we can't step back into it. So if you've got these fucking sick thoughts that are just swirling around, well, guess what? They could, they could take control. They could take fucking the master pilot seat. Again, if you don't seriously regulate and try to get your thoughts under control. So
Track 1:Yeah.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:I mean, that, that's, that's kind of the second thing I was gonna say is When I, when I'm having these cravings, I meditate, dude, and I fucking meditate hard. Which, which sounds kind of counterintuitive because I don't know how someone meditates hard, but what, what I, what I like to do, dude, is so I am, I'm a, I'm a daily meditator. I go for like 10 to 15 minutes, twice a day. when the fucking, when the sickness really, really starts bubbling up, when the, when the malady of the soul really starts to express itself inside of me, dude, I'll ramp that shit up to a good 30. I'll turn on some fucking white noise, and I will, I will dive right in. And the great part is you can start to see the nexus of your thoughts.
Track 1:Mm-hmm.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:to see the thoughts that are causing these cravings
Track 1:yes.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:and just being able to see that, then you start to understand, oh, okay, hang out with Tony anymore.
Track 1:Mm-hmm.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Or whoever the
Track 1:Yeah,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:the, these, these thoughts are arising.
Track 1:absolutely. It's cool that, that therapist I was talking about that really helped me change my life. Uh, she started doing sound. She would play sound bowls, Tibetan sound bowls.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Mm.
Track 1:So she really got me into looking at that kind of stuff and chakra cleansing and stones, and I guess turned me onto my inner hippie. And I'm not a fan of hippie stuff, but like, it opened me back up into that stuff. Like,'cause I was, when I was younger, I mean, I had multiple color hair mohawks. I, I mean, I was crazy, but punk rock, you know. But, uh, today, like I, I'm perfectly fine wearing some stone bracelets to get some energy flow going. I'm perfectly fine playing some sound bowls and when I do that stuff, I feel better and I do, I get to hear the things I need to hear because I'm shutting up and I'm listening.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah. Yeah. It, I mean, so much, much fucking power in listening. And lo and behold, that's one of the hardest things for us addicts to do, right? I mean, fuck, we've probably been told by everybody in our lives, all right, you need to get fucking help. And, you know, we, we didn't believe them till right, right until the bitter fucking end.
Track 1:Well, it is, it's kind of funny actually. Uh, my family is very well versed in alcoholism and addiction, so nobody really ever tells me I need to go get help on top. The fact that I have always been very far away from my family. I've lived miles and miles and miles away. Um, so they all know that I was messed up and had issues, but they just, they kind of just stand back and they're, they're actually pretty smart about it. Like, they don't enable me. They don't, you know, they have given me money at times. I mean, I've even borrowed from my sis little sisters and my daughters because, and dude, I make more money than all of'em.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:not more money than my dad. He's retired now, but like, he's made more than me. But like, I'm made really good money to the point where I should not be homeless or I should have really nice stuff and be able to travel wherever I want to go. Right. And I was becoming homeless and I would borrow from my children occasionally. Um, I had a, a hard conversation once. Like I borrowed a hundred bucks from my daughter and she's like, dad, I, I'm not gonna loan you more money ever again. This is it. And at that time, I actually wasn't fucked up. I actually needed the money. I was just off, I was off of work for, uh, it was like some injury type stuff, and my disability pay wasn't coming in correctly. And so it I felt like a ass, I, I mean, I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing, and I felt like, man, I, I'm a real piece of shit because my own daughter's telling me she can't, she's not gonna loan me any money anymore. So I, and I've always paid back and stuff, but To them, but man, that, that kind of hurt, you know? I was like, wow, I really have done some damage.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah, for sure. Um, and I think the recognition of that damage is one of the ways that allows us to fucking stay clean.
Track 1:Yeah, for sure. I,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Um, yeah. So just, you know, I, I'd love to know a little bit more and then I'll share afterwards. I'd love to know like your experience with relapse.
Track 1:man,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:I.
Track 1:so relapse is probably like, uh, it sucks. I,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:fucking worst.
Track 1:I think so when I got clean, the very first time, I, I never, ever wanted to use drugs again in my life. But I never really thought about alcohol, even though I, I knew I was an alcoholic man. I mean, you don't drink a handle of vodka on your own in a night, and you're not an alcoholic and you, you know,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:and you don't start drinking. Like when I was a kid, I, I would drink whiskey and, and specifically Jack Daniels. I couldn't even smell Jack Daniels or, uh, Copenhagen Snuff. That smell, those two things makes me instantly puke, but everybody else does it. So like, I had to start doing it and I'm like, you're, this is ignorant. That's just pure peer pressure. And I was not a peer pressure kind of person, but apparently I was. And then
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Hmm.
Track 1:it just, you know, the alcohol just kept coming, coming, coming. And it became the real issue. Like I say, my D O C is heroin and meth, but in reality my D O C is alcohol. I go to alcohol every single time because it's right there and it doesn't take anything. I, my, my, my car, my truck, my motorcycle, anything that I am driving has this really cool feature in it called Autopilot and it ends up in front of a bar or a liquor store by itself. And I don't know how it does it, it's a miracle.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:Uh, and that's the funny thing about a relapse is like, I really think that's true, but the relapse started way before that. It started before I ended up at the bar or the liquor store, or the dealer, or the weeded store or wherever, you know, it started way before that. I was, I was thinking about this long before I went and put the vehicle in drive. Things were happening. And that's what I've come to realize is I've got to look at On a daily basis before I go to bed, what did I do wrong and what did I do right? What can I improve? And when I wake up, I have to do the same things. I've got to give thanks and be grateful for this day. And I've gotta do the meditation, the prayers, the meditations, the same things.'cause when I don't, that autopilot
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yep.
Track 1:and all the issues that happen, they pop up. And that relapse man staring at a bag of heroin and a bag of meth and a laying a pile of pues telling your best friend that you're done. That's not
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yep.
Track 1:fucking cool. Shit. That's, that, that's not the fun, fun stuff that everybody saw on the, in the, on the tv. You know, the party life of a, a drug addict, you know, everybody thinks of the bad, the bad things of drugs is when you're underneath an overpass, living at homeless.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:That's, that's the end of all. No, we have addicts that, of all classes,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Mm-hmm.
Track 1:all colors, everything. And we all have the same problem. We're all fucking dying.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yep.
Track 1:That relapse, man. That's, that's the worst damn thing in the world.'cause it is preventable. We have medications. It's called working a program, working with other addicts and alcoholics. There is a solution. There's no cure and it's not easy. That relapse,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yep.
Track 1:fuck man. I don't ever wanna do that shit again. And I see it, see it every day because this is the field I, I choose to work in now to help other people. And I see it on the streets. The other morning I was, I was heading to work and, uh, sadly, I. As I'm driving underneath the the overpass, there was a
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah,
Track 1:right there, and it's like literally three blocks from, not even three blocks, two blocks from where I live. And I, uh, I see it and I hear it all the time. I, I live in San Antonio, Texas and we see it all the time. Go to any city or even town in America, and we're seeing this happen daily.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:yeah,
Track 1:I don't.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:No, for sure man. Um, yeah, relapse. Relapse is a real son of a bitch dude. But at the same time, and you know, I can't speak for every addict out there, but I feel like the road to getting clean is unfortunately filled with relapses because they always say, you know, only, you only really learn from your mistakes. And that's an addict Relapse is just about the biggest goddamn mistake that you can make. But it also presents a pretty, uh, pretty big learning opportunity.
Track 1:Yeah.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Uh, uh, I remember, I think I tried to get clean one, one time very passionately back when I was in my undergrad and I joined this, uh, this Christian club called Crew. Many of my crew people are out there, God bless y'all. And it was, uh, yeah, it was this Christian society and I remember that I was actually able to, to stay clean for a good like three or four months. And I got to this point, and I, I'm sure this I'm sure many of my addicts listening right now can relate to this point I'm about to make. I get to this point where I'm like, oh, fuck, look at me. I can, uh, I can do this thing. I've got this thing under control. I, I'm not an addict anymore because look, look at my, my, my rap sheet, four months clean. Clearly I'm not an addict. The addict is the dude under the fucking overpass, right?
Track 1:Yes.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:And I'm like, all right, cool. Well, I can have, I can have a couple of beers. And so I did. guess what? I wasn't under the fucking overpass. I wasn't doing lines of coke off of the toilet seat. You
Track 1:Mm-hmm.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:I was able to have two beers then do that for A month or two, and I'm like, ah, look at that. I'm capable of having two beers. Let's, uh, let's throw some hard alcohol in the mix. And then, you know, I start taking a few shots and then two months later I'm like, oh, look at that. I can have beers and Al and I can have a few shots of, of whiskey. Let's start taking fucking handle poles again. Then I'm drinking eight, eight shots at a time in my fucking fraternity. And I'm like, holy shit. Look, I can handle drinking like a fucking fish. start doing coke again. And then I'm back to square one,
Track 1:Yeah.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:fucking come outta blackout and I'm doing cocaine off of toilet seats at work again.
Track 1:Yeah,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:So, it, it, it's, it's a disgusting nexus and, and it always brings people back to the same place, right? I think, I think that's how relapse works a lot of
Track 1:I think,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:like,
Track 1:I think that's the lucky. That's the lucky relapse. Like, man, the way things are being cut today with fentanyl, you never know. Like, it's so dangerous. Uh, like on top of it, I mean, relapse, I, I tend to really start doing stupid things because for me now, a relapse is like detrimental. Like I think once you get some knowledge about this, you relapse is just worse and worse. And it's like, fuck, I just gave up 90 days and it was so hard to get that 90 days for me. And this the, you know, two, what is it, three years, three and a half years ago when I started the relapse. I could get 58 days and I couldn't get past 58 days, man. And when I'd get to 59 and, and just fuck up, it was like the worst damn thing. And then it would last like two weeks and I'd try again and then it boom. And then it'd be like a couple days of trying to fight and I'm shaking and I'm miserable and I'm sweating. I can't sleep, I can't eat, just nauseous and body aches. And then all of a sudden it's like, fuck this and I will drink or I'll, I'll get a Xanax or whatever just to feel okay. And it just continued and continued and continued and worse and worse and worse and worse. How I made it through that, that last, that two years. Man. I don't fucking know. Uh, well I mean, you, I told you where I ended up and
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:that was lucky. Absolutely lucky.'cause I wanted to be dead. And I that's, I hear that all the time from people. It's just, I don't wanna wake up. I just don't want to do it to myself, even though I'm doing it to myself. I don't wanna know that I do it so
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah,
Track 1:that's relapse
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:for
Track 1:It's fucking miserable.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:for sure. And you know, for me today, I see, and, and I'll be honest with you, I'm, I'm a gambling man in a lot of ways. I am very not risk adverse person, which has its pluses and minuses. in a lot of ways, I feel like relapse is, for me is just this like huge, huge gamble. Like I am at the peak of like my mental health and my spirituality having been clean for a little over five years. and you know what, dude, you know what? There is a fucking real chance maybe I can have a couple beers. Now, again, you know the fucking thoughts that I was just describing that end me over a fucking toilet seat,
Track 1:Mm-hmm.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:But you know what? There is a real chance that maybe I would be able to necessitate it now. But guess what, dude? It's not fucking worth the risk. It's like, I, I, you know, I'm a, I'm a business school student, so I, I look at a fucking opportunity chart, you know, like, okay, the opportunity of being able to have a couple beers, I, I, I get a buzz. that's cool. The, the potential downside. I fucking die. I fucking ruin all of my relationships. I fucking lose my fucking scholarship at my school. Like, whatever the fuck it is, like the, just the potential downside, it just doesn't make sense for me anymore to risk it.
Track 1:Yeah. And that's, that's one thing where I, I love AA and, and na. I love all the 12 step programs. Like I'm not gonna sit here and bash at all because AA helped me get sober. And I will forever be grateful. And I still use aa. I still use my sponsor, but this is why I also use Smart Recovery. I get a u I have all these other tools to use for my stupid thinking.'cause like you're talking about business, like I can run a business fine, I can look at data and pick and stuff. And I mean, the numbers do kind of fuck up in my head'cause my brain crap. So I have to really work hard on that kind of stuff. But if I do a cost benefit analysis and I, I've got my hierarchy of values, I know what's important to me. I can look at all that stuff and write it down and be like, okay, going and trying to see if having a beer is acceptable. I know that that outcome is not likely. I know that the reason that I'm wanting this is because I'm trying to medicate something. It's not a good choice. I'm not, I'm not a gambler man. I, I don't, I've never enjoyed gambling, but, Those are things, numbers that I will gamble with at times too. So there's That's where I need that AA side of it.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah, for sure. And I think you, you just hit on a key point, which is, you know, you're able to assess your values now, but when you're fucking depraved and you've been using for the last 10 years, you don't, you don't fucking know who you are anymore, dude.
Track 1:Yeah.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:just a shell of a person and the values aren't really there,
Track 1:Yeah. They're,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:clean time to start to develop those
Track 1:yeah. And it is like, what values,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Right? Exactly.
Track 1:I mean, you, you know, on a, on an intake assessment, one of the questions is, do steal from family and friends that support your drug addiction. What values is there? I mean, that's taking from the people you, you're supposed to care about. And we do everything to support our habits and not our habits. We do everything to support our addiction.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yep.
Track 1:We go to the depths of hell, the darknesses and dis, I mean, it's, it's miserable. Anybody who's an addict can say this and, and talk about it. And people who are not addicts or alcoholics have a hard time with understanding just the depravity of this disease. And that's where I am really push when people come into treatment, I, I talk to them about how important it is for them to be secure in their own self-worth and not use other people's self-worth that, you know, you can be around them, but you have to be secure in yourself and that's where your healing is gonna start. Work with others, addicts, alcoholics, be around them, talk to them, but you've gotta start loving you and it's
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yep.
Track 1:extremely hard to do when you're starting out.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Fucking damn near impossible,
Track 1:Yeah. Yeah. It's, I. But as that is one thing I try to really, really get people to start doing, we play, uh, we do some pretty kind of funny things like, you know, we'll play some games like charades, cognitive thinking, you know, like, and the reason we do it is like to speed up the brains having to function and think and, and interact with people. And it's funny to watch that because people start lighting up really quick'cause they're playing and having fun and interacting with others. And, uh,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:yeah,
Track 1:the lights start popping on. It's really cool to see. I don't know why that just popped in my head, but it did.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:No, for sure. I, I, uh, I honestly thank fucking you and I could talk on self-love for an entire episode, so I'm actually, I'm actually gonna fucking write that down. That's an idea. All right. Um, wanted to talk a little bit about So, all right. Fucking guess what, dude, relapses happened. The relapse just happened. You know, maybe some of our, some of our addicted friends out there, maybe they're in the grips of a relapse of some kind. know? What should you do?
Track 1:Oh man, that's a tough one. It honestly is really, really tough because it's so, I know with my relapses, I was so filled full of guilt and shame. I didn't want to talk to anybody. Like, I didn't want anybody to know. Um,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Mm-hmm.
Track 1:so I would, I'll talk. If I were to relapse today personally, I, man, I would be filled with so much guilt, so much remorse that it, this would be extremely hard for me. I. I can tell you that because I, I do a lot around this community. Um, a lot of people know me. Uh, it would be so fucking embarrassing, man. But I know, and I tell, I tell people every day. I'm like, man, I can't promise you tomorrow. All I have is today. So if I were to start getting to that point, and I, or let's just say I did, I did relapse. I can't tell you what I would do. I don't know. Uh, my, my initial thoughts are, I'm fucked. I'm dead. That's kind of where I am and my thoughts, like I, if I relapse, I'm dead. I'm scared to death of it. Um, so I guess I work a lot in my solution to where I don't want to be in that relapse. I do have my relapse prevention plan, my relapse. Get out of relapse plan. man. You gotta pray, you gotta meditate, you gotta talk to your sponsor, you gotta work your program, you've gotta talk with your therapist. You've gotta talk with addicts and alcoholics and not the ones that are fucking addicts and alcoholics because they're out there using addicts and alcoholics are out there getting sober and being sober. Surround yourself with those people. You can't surround yourself around people who aren't addicts and alcoholics and expect you're gonna get sober.'cause you're not. They don't understand addiction. They don't understand that it's not okay to have a, a drink and talk about the problem.'cause that is the problem. So my first, my first thing that I have to do is I've gotta make that phone call. I've gotta pick up that phone and I've gotta call my sponsor. And that comes after prayer.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:Uh, or I'm fucked, man. I, I'm just straight fucked. I, I, like I say, man, I, if I relapse, I'm scared to death of it.'cause I, I honestly believe this time is the last I, that's where I was. I've been, I've OD'ed I've been close to death. I've tried offing myself numerous times. I want, I, I, it's almost like I feel like I can't fucking die, which is kind of scary. But I know I can, I'm an adrenaline junkie too, so I, I live with that. Uh, all I can say is I, I'm, I'm praying and I'm calling my sponsor.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah, for sure. And, and you know, you, you use this phraseology, scared to death, which is a pretty big colloquialism in like society, but I mean, it, it fucking is, it's a, it's actually a matter of life and death. And the thing about the attic is, you know, we, like, we're, we're gluttons for punishment. We, we like to fucking punish ourselves, man.
Track 1:Mm-hmm.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:you know, when, when I would relapse, I would be like, alright, fuck it. Well, I've already fucked myself now, like, you know, so a couple of the times that I relapsed, I'd be like, well, I'm already drinking beer. already doing whiskey. I mean, I've, I'm already not clean.
Track 1:Yeah,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:might as well maximize how good I fucking feel. Why not just dive back into the, back into the pharmaceuticals and
Track 1:yeah.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:and into the hard shit? You know? It's like if I'm not clean, might as well fucking maximize.
Track 1:Might as well take advantage of this time because I'm not, if I'm gonna get clean again, I gotta get fucked up to the max this time, and I'm gonna have to go to detox and rehab. I might as well go full fucking bore. I mean, shit, why not? Why not destroy everything?
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yep. Yep.
Track 1:And so, and that kind of brings me to this point. It's like if I want sobriety again, just kind of bring this back to a solution. I am on that path towards relapse. I am obviously not working my program. I'm not dealing with the issues that I need to be dealing with, and I'm not. I'm not working on me.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:I'm doing the wrong thing. So it is possible to not relapse. I do know people who have gone, I've known people who've never gone to treatment and have gotten sober working programs. I know people who have gone to treatment one time got out and have gotten sober. I know people who don't work programs. I know, you know, we're all over the place and how people get sober, I don't care. As long as you get sober and you're happy, it's not about being sober and miserable. To me, sobriety is being mentally sober and physically remo removed from dependency of those chemicals altering my brain.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:yeah, for sure. And I, I think you, um, I think you outlined the absolute tool for dealing with relapse when you're an addict. And the, and the answer is honesty. That's it. It's fucking brutal honesty, which is one of the absolute hardest things. That addicts can do is
Track 1:Yeah.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:honest with another person.
Track 1:Mm-hmm.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Um, you know, my, my listeners know this. My, um, my closest friend in the world passed away over the summer
Track 1:very sorry.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:he, he, yeah, man, thank you. He, uh, he had a relapse and he, he felt like he couldn't be honest with me about it because he was afraid that, you know, I wasn't gonna be his friend anymore and that I was gonna judge him for that. But, you know, I think that's why this community of addicts is so fucking powerful, dude, because we're not gonna fucking judge you. We've been there,
Track 1:Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. We, we, if, again, if we're working a program, we do not judge
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yep.
Track 1:what is there to judge,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Exactly.
Track 1:and who am I to judge another human being.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah, dude,
Track 1:I'm just another,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:I.
Track 1:just another human being walking this planet trying to do the next right thing. That's it. I'm, I'm guided by my prayers and my, my actions of trying to do what I, what I am driven to the right direction I want, I want to heal for me, and if I can show a better person than what I was yesterday, that helps and it helps another person. That's what I care about.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Uh, amen to that brother. Uh, so there was, uh, one last thing I actually wanted to discuss on this subject today, is, all right, what happens if you do have a buddy someone important to you that relapses, right? Like, and, and they do, they, they admit it to you, or maybe they relapse and. They, you know, they don't tell you, but you have a very strong suspicion slash you know, you know, with certainty that they've relapsed. What, can you do for that addict who is unable to be honest with you?
Track 1:Love them. Don't enable'em.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:yeah.
Track 1:You have to be brutally honest back and you have to have your boundaries. You, you, I'm not saving anybody, man.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:mm
Track 1:I save. I save me. That's it.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:mm.
Track 1:I used my higher power and other people to, to help, but I had to make the choice and the decision to get sober. Nobody could do that for me and I couldn't use anybody else. Like my best friend I told you about. I have three daughters that I love and adore. My first wife, Andrea, or she, she was my best friend and I couldn't stay sober for her. And you know, she has the mother of my children. I could not stay sober for her. I couldn't stay sober for my sisters. I couldn't stay sober for anybody. I couldn't get sober for anybody. And I never would have gotten sober for anybody I've tried, didn't work, just like I tried different drugs, I tried different alcohols. I tried the whole, if I sleep X amount of hours, if I eat X amount of food, if I do these, all these stupid different fucking things, maybe I'm not an alcoholic. You know, somebody's like, well, I. You know, if you don't drink at this time of the day, well, I was a, I worked for a 24 hour a day, seven days a week, 3, 6, 5 days a year. So I'd get off work sometimes at three in the morning and I'd start drinking because, you know, my day's over all these stupid things I tried. Uh, a person who wants to get sober has to make that decision for yourself. And if it's a person that you're close to and you love and care about, all you can do is support to your best ability, but you cannot enable them. There's a lot of different places to go. Al-Anon, smart Family and Friends, A C o A deals with some of that issues. Um, go talk to your, you know, your sponsor. What, what options do you have there? Don't try and handle it on your own because it's not a good place for you. It's kind of like sponsoring your friend, your best friend. Is that really a good, good idea? Um, sometimes people sponsor people from the opposite sex, and I'm not against it a whole completely, but, you know, there are some, some issues to address there. Uh, these are things that you have to really be very careful with, especially, you know, if I'm in recovery. So I have to understand how that person's going to affect me, even if I love and care about them. It's me first. My sobriety is the number one most important thing in this world to me, because if I don't have that, everybody else is fucked, and
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yep.
Track 1:I'm probably gonna be dead. So
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:protect me first and then what do I need to do? Suggestions, you know, if that person is just straight up lying to me about everything, well then I've got to protect my boundaries and be okay. Well, you'll, I, I'm, we're not gonna be hanging out. If you want, um, to, to go to a meeting. I'm here. Uh, if you want some places to go to get help, here are some, but if they're just straight up not willing, there's nothing I can do. Right?
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's true man. Um, with my, uh, with my buddy that passed over over the summer, I remember I would find out. He had been lying to me. I, I remember getting really viscerally angry at him. And I think every time that I got angry at him, was less and less aptt to, to being honest with me when he would slip up. Um, I think from that experience, I learned that, you know, I think you nailed it, Brett, when you said, you know, all you can do is love them and, and be available to them, but you can't force them into the life raft. Right.
Track 1:No.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:You can present it to them. But, you know, I tried so hard man for so many fucking years to throw this guy into the life raft and I, I think, I think it was just overwhelming for him. And, you know, it was, it was overwhelming for me. So I think, I think that's the key is being available, but you can't force anybody to do something
Track 1:Yeah,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:want at the end of the day.
Track 1:yeah. I've been having to kind of learn this lesson, um, by, you know, one where I work. I want everybody to be sober, you know, of course. Uh, I want everybody to enjoy what has been so graciously given to me for that first time in my life. I'm, I'm happy, like, legitimately, truthfully, happy. I can deal with the issues without going and getting fucked up and ruining everything off of some small issue that I turn into huge things and let snowball. Uh, just all, all these great things change and, and make life so much better. So I want everybody to have that. But, you know, I, I have a girlfriend that I live with now. We have an apartment, and it is, you know, it's been difficult. She has, she's also in recovery and she's got her issues. I have to realize that I am not her recovery. She's not my recovery. We want to do our own things. Um, it, she's got some mental, some serious mental health things going on, but, you know, I, I can't force her to do anything. I can't. I have to let her do her stuff for her. Um, I know what she, she's doing. Uh, we have the open communication. We talk. And we deal with things. And it's a very strange, strange thing for me, like I've never been in something like this where we try to work together and yeah, we have issues occasionally. Like Saturday, I, I threw a temper tantrum and I ignored her all day because she slept in and, uh, we were supposed to get up and go do stuff. And so I was a jerk all day long and I had to really look at what my issues was with that. And it was simply, I'm trying to push her to go do things when she's dealing with some mental health issues. And I'm like, man, Brett, you still, you still have stuff to work on buddy. And that's kind of the cool thing is now I can start seeing when I'm am making poor choices and decisions, I can see this stuff. So living with somebody with addiction, although it can be very dangerous, can also be such a great thing because,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Hmm.
Track 1:We like really get to work with each other in that kind of a setting. And we're both very loving and caring people. Uh, I don't know. It is really cool being sober, I guess is the point of that.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah, it's pretty, pretty fucking sick, isn't it?
Track 1:Yeah, man. Like I didn't think that being sober was ever a cool thing, but uh, it actually is because now I can think it's really weird. Like, and, and you know, and that's kind of one of the things, okay, so let me just bring it back right
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:to the relapse thing because I, I wanna really make this clear. Like
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:my mental health really drove, drove a lot of my addiction problems. Trauma was a huge thing that I buried. But one of the things I never knew was, like with A D H D, methamphetamines made me focus to where my brain shut off and I could literally learn things. And it was really awesome. It took until I was 48 years old for the first time when I was dealing with my issues, working on them hard, working on my issues, my traumas, my P t, SS D, my anxiety, depression, bipolar. When I got all that stuff being worked on and I got the proper medications, my brain slowed down and I learned how to properly, you know, do some of the things like meditation. My brain slowed down
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yep.
Track 1:and I could think,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Mm-hmm.
Track 1:and it was so weird. And it's not to say that I'm always that way,'cause I can definitely squirrel man. I think probably in this conversation you've heard me, squirrel. Some, I don't know. I've had probably five conversations going on, but But you know, it's really cool when your brain starts like functioning and then you start remembering things like, you know, happy thoughts instead of all this negative crap that we like to port on.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:Cool, man. And I'm just, I'm really grateful to be on your podcast and talk about this'cause it's, I think it's something that everybody should get to hear and know about. Like everybody in this world needs to know about this stuff. It's very, very important.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah, for sure. And I think you, I think you just drove the difference between, you know, thinking and having thoughts when you're an addict. Sure you have all kinds of fucking thoughts that are just flying
Track 1:Yeah.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:you're really outta control when you're thinking, dude,
Track 1:Mm-hmm.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:can actually be using that, the power of your mind for good.
Track 1:Yeah. That is so amazing. Like we can,
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah,
Track 1:we're not, we're really intelligent people. Like I sit in these rooms
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah.
Track 1:I listen to people and I was like, man, these people are highly intelligent. And that actually is one of the markers and indicators of addicts and alcoholics is they're highly intelligent people. They score very high and they're not surviving in life where, what is the problem.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Mm-hmm.
Track 1:So when we start looking at some of the issues that surround alcohol and addiction and mental health, man, that just starts clarifying in my head all the things we've been doing wrong in this field for so many years and we're finally starting to do right. And I think we're starting to see a lot of turnaround. Of course we still have the relapses and I don't think that's ever gonna go away, but, uh, we're, we're handling them better. I think people are starting to wake up and see. This is a very, very serious problem in this world and it's'cause it's not just in America. This is a worldwide problem. I've seen it all over Europe. You see it on the news all over Asia. It's in Africa, it's in the Middle East, it's in South America. Drug addiction is everywhere, but so is mental health. We see it in history. So this is not something new and it's finally starting to get talked about and people are starting to do something. Relapses aren't gonna be something that is ever gonna go away, I don't think, like I said, but is definitely something that we're gonna get better at because we're dealing with the mental health and I think the human condition, if we all start talking,'cause if you look in the rooms, people care and they love each other and they take care of each other.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yep.
Track 1:We just need to get it all over the place instead of just the small group.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yep. Yep. Exactly. Part of the reason I'm doing this thing, my man.
Track 1:I love it.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Yeah. So I think that, uh, that about wraps it up. And Brett, I'd love for you to maybe say, you know, maybe talk a minute to the addict out there who's still suffering listening to this thing. And go for it, man.
Track 1:Oh, to the, uh, to the attic out there still suffering. I'm sorry man. I'm sorry to all of you. Uh, I wish you all the best. There is love out there. There is hope and, uh, I'm here. There are hundreds of thousands of people, millions of people out there just waiting for you to come and, and get help. Uh, I'm here at Ripple Ranch. You can check us out@rippleranch.com. Uh, we are a dual diagnosis facility. We are just waiting to help whoever wants help.
squadcaster-i0ab_4_10-16-2023_091448:Right on, right on Brett. And all my listeners out there, I can't fucking believe that somebody came on this show, but here we are. Um, I just feel so fucking grateful right now that, that Brett was willing to take his time and come on here. And Brett, you're the fucking man, dude, you're a homie. And yeah, let's, uh, keep tuning in if, if you like what you're listening to. is m this is of an Addict. Thank you so much. Have a great Monday.
Track 1:Thank you.