Origin Story: Unlocking the Key to Self-Acceptance

Reflecting on the past gives us perspective on the present. By acknowledging your origin story, you can forgive, find compassion, and move forward with newfound clarity and purpose.

Just as superheroes have diverse and impactful origin stories, we too have our own unique narratives that shape who we are. In this episode, we dive deep into a topic that's incredibly personal and transformative — how our origin story about how stuttering started unlocks the power of self-acceptance. Join Paige Smith as she explores how understanding our origin story can take us on a journey leading to perspective, compassion and acceptance.

Highlights
1:44 Superheroes and the power of origin stories
2:55 Have you ever asked yourself why you stutter? 
3:45 Delve into the research-backed factors that contribute to stuttering
8:30 "Serve and return" in childhood development is fundamental for communication skills
13:54 Our childhood environment greatly shapes language development
15:35 Contrasting expectations between home and school
18:00 Explore psychogenic stuttering resulting from emotional trauma and stress

Links

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Website: Learn more https://www.thehappystutterer.com/

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Transcript

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I am so thrilled you're tuning into this very first episode of The Beneath Your Stutter podcast. You know, I have to be honest, there was a time in my life where speaking on a podcast was absolutely unthinkable, so thank you for joining me as I go on this journey.

Today I am sharing with you how knowing and understanding your origin story of how you started stuttering is one of the keys that unlocks self-acceptance. I've gone through this process myself, and I know how powerful this can be for your own personal insight and development. We're going to dive into the research. What are some of the known causes of stuttering? The importance of something called serve and return between child and parent for the development of communication and social skills and exploring what does not happen versus what happens to you might be a contributing factor, why stuttering started in the first place.

So I'm so excited to jump into this first episode. Let's start. As I was thinking about where to start for this very first episode, I thought of comic book superheroes and their origin stories. All superheroes have diverse stories of how they came to be. It all starts with invent when something out of their control happens to them.

For example, like Spider-Man Peter Parker was bitten by a radio act of spider. So it's a common theme where it's not only about what happens to them, but more importantly how they meet that challenge afterwards. It's the event that shapes who they are and who they become. So it's just like superheroes and action figures.

We too have our own origin story. I believe that understanding and owning your own story of when, where, and how you may have started stuttering Is one of the keys that grows self-compassion and unlock self-acceptance. It's important to know where you come from and how you got to where you are now.

So when you acknowledge your own origin story, you can choose to take new steps to go where you want to be.

Let's go beneath the surface of your stutter. A common question you probably have asked yourself is, why do I stutter? And it's a question I've asked myself many times as well. Your stutter is unique to you, not only in the physical way you stutter. Also in how it affects you on an emotional and mental level.

These deeper and inner aspects are tied hand to hand with the experience of stuttering. There are other factors that have influenced your stutter as well, which we'll explore in future episodes to come. But for now, know that stuttering is complex and there is not a single or simple, easy answer to the question as to why you stutter.

This is why there's so many theories as to what is behind stuttering.

So what does the research out there say from the N S A website, the National Stuttering Association, they say that researchers currently believe that stuttering stems from a combination of these factors. number one is genetics.

Number two, language development. Number three, environment, And number four, brain structure and function. To be clear, we are not talking about neurological stuttering, which is acquired stuttering caused by a brain injury. looking at each of these factors.

Collectively, I've reflected on how they've aligned to my own personal history and origin story. Let's jump in. So the first one, genetic. Is there a stuttering gene? It's very common for stuttering to run in families. I've read a stat that said there are around 60% of people who stutter, have a family member who also stutters.

Of course, it doesn't always run in families, but I can say in my instance, it's true. My mom stuttered. Strangely though, no one else in my family stuttered. Even more strange is that I don't ever remember having a conversation with my mom about it. I've heard similar stories from other people where a person who stutters never discusses it with another person that they know.

Also, stutters, it's like the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. On reflection. This does make sense though. if my mom was uncomfortable with her own stutter and she did not understand it, it only makes sense for this reason. She was not comfortable talking about it with me she was not there to help me in the process to understand it for myself.

It was just easier to ignore it, hide it, suppress it, than to talk about it. I get it. When you stutter, the last thing you want to talk about is stuttering. Unfortunately, there's this shame and stigma around it, and so the cycle continues from generation to generation.

When it comes to stuttering, one other important factor I believe that needs more consideration is around the conditions and circumstances of birth. The day I was born, my mom's water broke while picking potatoes in the garden. It was also the one year anniversary of the passing of my mom's dad, my grandfather.

Was this just a coincidence? Or was my birth triggered by my mom's emotional grief? This might explain why I was born premature about seven weeks early, and I did not come alone.

I have a twin brother and we were both born by a C-section. We spent the first month of our lives in the I C U. As far as I know, there were no other health complications other than we were severely underweight. I was three pounds, 11 ounces, and my brother was around four pounds and nine ounces. We needed to gain weight and strength before we were ready to go home.

This was the seventies, and I think they did things differently back then. Since we were in incubators, we are most likely deprived of touch and the closeness to our mother. Without this, there was no opportunity for the natural release of oxytocin.

The bonding chemical needed between parent and child, which is necessary for a child to feel nurtured and safe within relationships to others. On a finally, side note, though, the name of the doctor who delivered my brother and me, his name was Dr. Eistetter.

Get it. His name sounds like saying the phrase I stutter, doctor, I stutter. Seriously, I didn't make this up.

The second factor that research shows plays a part in stuttering is the development of language and speech For those who still stutter in adulthood, it's very common for t f started in childhood. This is called developmental stuttering. Stuttering can start in children between the ages of two and eight when a child starts to develop their reading and language skills.

Up to 75% of children who start to stutter eventually outgrow this disorder over time. But for the various reasons, we are exploring here, You and I are one of the 25% of children who did not outgrow it even before learning to speak and verbal communication is fully developed.

One of the most important things I've learned in regards to childhood development is what's called serve and return. It starts with the interaction between the infant and adult. When a child babbles or gestures or cries, an adult is there to respond appropriately with eye contact, words, or even a hug.

Research shows that healthy brain architecture depends on a steady foundation of a stable and responsive relationship with an engaged, caring adult or caretakers. When this happens, neural connections are built and strengthened in the child's brain that supports the development of communication and social skills to a growing child.

A responsive relationship with a parent is both expected and essential. However, When this dynamic is not there, this absence is a serious detriment to a child's development and wellbeing, like a game of tennis with a ball bouncing back and forth. I believe, this dynamic of serve and return with sadly missing in my development growing up.

As a child, I remember being talked about in the third person as if I didn't exist, as if I wasn't even there. I felt like I was not a real person yet because I was a child. Of course, I remember being talked to, telling me what to do, what not to do, how to behave. I felt I was always being criticized even if I wasn't doing anything wrong.

The sad thing is I don't ever remember my mom talking with me. My mom grew up in an uninformed era when children were best thought to be seen but not heard. Thank goodness, this old-fashioned way of thinking is now outdated. But to be fair, my mom was most likely parenting the same way that she was parented.

However, this left me growing up feeling not heard, listened to, or more importantly, feeling like I mattered. Communication was never a game of serve and return. Conversation never flowed back and forth. It always seemed one-sided. So because I did not learn and develop this critical skill of serve and return, my inexperience and lack of practice of speaking at home left me with the lack of skills of speaking in the real world.

This might explain the overwhelming feels of panic, of not knowing what to do or what to say. When someone engaged me in conversation without serve and return, a child is prone to feeling unsafe and highly stressed with the body being flooded with harmful stress hormones, and it's this cocktail of stress hormones that affects the developing brain.

Wiring it to be ready to react, defend, and go into survival mode. This might explain why still in adulthood speaking can feel like it's life and death. To add to the challenges in my language development growing up. I lacked knowing my ABCs before starting kindergarten. My parents did not teach me or my twin brother the alphabet numbers or even how to spell her name. I remember begging my mom to teach me to read only to be shooed away with excuses of being too busy or being too tired.

So by the time school started, All I knew is what I grasped from watching Sesame Street. I remember feeling so overwhelmed and behind. Even then, I knew something was wrong and I felt resentful that my parents were not like the other kids' parents. I can recall anxious memories of being watched and evaluated by the teacher to do reading tests. I knew what the words were, but I was just so painfully shy around others. I wasn't able to get the words out. By the time my brother and I entered grade one, we were put into the class the slow learners.

I think another factor that ties into language development and developmental stuttering is in regards to a child's level of self-consciousness and sensitivity. The N SS A acknowledges on their website that depending on their temperament, some children may experience more emotional arousal and anxiety when speaking with others as children become aware of their just fluencies negative feelings related to speaking may increase tension and further affect their ability to communicate.

The negative emotions may place an additional cognitive burden on children who stutter during a critical period of language development, and I couldn't agree more. I was this child, the sensitive child, who became very self-conscious of having a stutter. and the cycle of fear and anxiety looped over and over again.

Becoming a deeply ingrained habit from childhood to adulthood.

The third factor to play a part in stuttering is the environment. I believe one of the most important aspects to consider in your environment is the quality of relationships at home. When I was growing up, my parents did not get along. I was surrounded by fights, yelling and screaming. The emotional temperature in the house that I grew up in was just thick with tension. I tiptoed on eggshells trying to not set off my mom. I grew up on a farm outside a small town, and financially it did not help that we were all poor. Even though this was the seventies, there was no running water or a flushing toilet.

We got our fresh drinking water from a well in town, and we had baths in an old fashioned metal tub with our bath water coming from a jugo that we pumped into the cistern. If you're old enough, you might know what a cistern is, otherwise, Google it.

And when nature called, there was what we called the honey bucket, [00:15:00] which was carried up from the basement to a pit outside, far from the house at home. I was expected to be a good girl. Being a good girl meant not making any trouble doing as I was told, and being quiet. I was good at being quiet, but it came at the cost.

The cost of feeling safe enough to express myself. When I got to school, the rules were different. When I was called upon to say my name, I remember the instant freeze and panic, hardly able to get any sounds out. I found life between home and school, very confusing. Here was a teacher now commanding me to do exactly the opposite of what I was ordered not to do at home.

At home, I was expected to be quiet at school, I was expected to speak on demand. In looking back, it makes sense now that I suffered such fear and anxiety, feeling so much conflict. It also makes sense now that all through my life I always felt so uncomfortable and awkward around authority figures.

I was always worried about getting into trouble, feeling like I was always doing something wrong.

The fourth cause of stuttering is about brain structure and function where the N S A website says, Research says that areas of the brain responsible for language may look and work differently in people who stutter. Yes, the experts say there are a difference in the brain, but maybe even in more ways than they realize.

One factor that is not considered in context to stuttering is about how an adult yelling at a child changes the development of their brain. Research now knows that a child being yelled at by an adult has significant effects on both their brain and body. As the brain is shaped and developed by their experiences, yelling not only scares children, but also makes them feel insecure.

The known psychological effects of being yelled at includes anxiety, depression, and interpersonal problems. When looking back on my own childhood and also working with clients, one common theme I see is a lack of healthy emotional regulation. In a parent, I hear of parents who directly displayed highly charged emotions like frustration and anger at them, especially if that parent also stuttered as well. The last thing they want for their child is to also stutter, but through their own frustration, they bring negative attention to stuttering.

Has this opposite effect. This only perpetuates more stuttering in the child who's already doing their best to please their parent, trying so hard not to stutter.

In my research, there's also a third type of stuttering called psychogenic. It's been stated that psychogenic stuttering is not common. psychogenic stuttering typically results from emotional trauma and even from emotional stress. even though this type of stuttering is said to not be common, I believe this is a lot more common than realized.

I know this was true for me. I experienced great emotional trauma and stress as a child, and this overloaded my ability to cope during my development. I've never shared this story before, not like this until now. When I was four years old, I was bitten by a big dog on my uncle's farm. All I remember is it shaking me like a rag doll.

At the time I only received a rabies shot at the small local hospital, but I received no stitches. Not because I didn't need them, but because my mom was scared of stitches. Yep. Doesn't make any sense. So we went home and my bite wound was bandaged up every day. The dressing was changed, and as the wound was starting to get infected every day, got more painful with sobs and tears running down my face.

I cried to my mom how much my arm hurt. I needed her to know how much it hurt. I needed her to understand. I was scared and needed to hear that everything was going to be okay. Instead, I got the opposite of what I expected to get. I got the opposite of what I needed with piercing eyes. She screamed at me with a loud and angry voice saying, stop crying and be quiet with deep hurt and shame, and as quickly as I could before she got any angrier.

I remember sucking back in all the air from my mouth and with all my might I forced myself to stop crying and wiped away all the tears the best I could. I pushed my words back down into my little body where they were now stuck and had nowhere to go. I tried so hard to be the good girl, trying to make my mom happy, trying to please and make the yelling stop.

I believe this was the moment my self-expression died. The moment I lost my voice and the moment that insecurity and the struggle of speaking and stuttering began within the week, I'd come down with a high fever due to the infection spreading throughout my body. I'm lucky that a neighbor stopped by and urged my mom to take me to the hospital.

Eventually, I did get real stitches. Now I'm left with a big ugly scar on my left arm.

I've read many books over the years, and one that I came across was by Louise Hay, the author of the book, you Can Heal Your Life. In that book, she states that the probable cause contributing to stuttering is insecurity, lack of self-expression, and not being allowed to cry. Even if I was predisposed to stuttering from the story alone I just shared with you, it's no wonder I started stuttering.

I was forced to stuff my natural expression down my throat. I was not allowed to cry for help when I was in great pain, and it's no wonder that in future experiences, I felt great insecurity to speak and express myself. I learned to be afraid to speak, to use my voice Because I received such unfavorable responses from my primary parent, I learned to suppress my feelings, especially the negative ones, and held back overall from expressing myself, keeping these emotions trapped in my body.

This created tension that manifested in stuttering. If this had only happened once, maybe I could have developed new skills and outgrown it, but this was reinforced. Over and over during my childhood and youth. What's more important about this incident is not what just happened to me, but what did not happen for me.

There is a quote by Dr. Gabor Mate, where he says, children don't get traumatized because they get hurt. They get traumatized because they're alone with the hurt. I was traumatized because I went through this emotional hurt alone. I was hurt by the adult who is supposed to love and care for me. I did not have a mature parent to nurture me and positively receive my words.

This was the ultimate rejection, leaving me feel emotionally insecure and disconnected. Stuttering became the physical manifestation of that emotional insecurity within me. It’s been years since my mom passed away. I believe it's no coincidence that since then my stutter has been slowly replaced with more fluency, I've gained fluency in the same proportion to the freedom that I now feel in expressing myself.

Now that we've covered, the various factors that researchers say is behind stuttering, you might be also wondering why it's important to know and understand your origin story. One of the reasons is that it gives you an honest look at the various factors that have shaped you. And when you do this, one of the things it gives you is perspective. When you reflect on the past, you get a perspective on the present.

I know that for me, knowing my family and how I grew up explains a lot as to why stuttering not only started, but also why it got internalized and stayed with me into adulthood. I can see now how stuttering was not my fault. I can also see its influence and all the factors that were out of my control.

One of the other things is that it can be very difficult to reflect on our childhood as we may see things that we may not like. But I want to be clear, this is not about pointing fingers and laying blame. It's about having compassion for our parents, teachers, and any person who may have affected you in a negative way.

It's forgiving them and understanding that they were only doing what they had the capacity for at that time, and it's with this compassion for ourselves and others. We can learn to forgive and find acceptance. I will be honest and say it's not always easy, but it is powerful so that we can move forward.

This week, I invite you to reflect back on your past, your childhood, and how stuttering started in your life. To do this work, it's important to keep these three things in mind. One, be curious. Be curious, without judgment. Number two, be mindful and just observe. And three, be kind to yourself.

Reflect on where you came from, your family and your development from childhood to adulthood, and ask yourself, what is your origin story? Are there any clues that shed light? To answer your question, why do I stutter? Is it genetics, language development, environment? Or is it brain structure and function, or even psychogenic stuttering?

Ask yourself what happened to you? Or more importantly, what did not happen for you so that you can give yourself today what you did not get back then?