Welcome to another episode of Beneath Your Stutter. I want to take you back in time to October 2020, when I was a guest speaker at the Canadian Stuttering Association Conference. This was during COVID, so the conference was held virtually online through Zoom. It was the first time I'd ever spoken at something like that, like a conference, and the first time I ever shared anything about myself and my stutter.
I shared my story then, and I'd like to re share it here again for you. It's been altered from the original to fit this format and condensed down in length to fit a shortened time frame.
My goal in sharing this story with you It's to show you that changing my name was about so much more than just changing my name because it truly changed my life and even more important than a new name itself. I'm the one who changed because changing my name changed me. And by changing my name, it allowed me to turn the page and begin a new chapter in my life.
I must tell you, there was a time when it was really, really hard for me to say my name. And if it even came out at all. I really hated it when people asked for my name, or I had to introduce myself. I don't know about you, but I just dreaded saying my name. And I mean DREAD with a capital D.
Deep down, I always had a knowing whether I'd be able to say my name or not. The odds were about 50 50 chance on getting it out right the first time. Most days, it felt like my mind and body were working against me. Like, sometimes by chance it came out fluently. And when this happened, I'd be so happy and relieved.
It was like having a fluency high. And I think to myself, Woo, it came out right. But if someone did not hear me the first time, and I had to repeat myself, for some reason being put on the spot, I wouldn't be able to say my name two seconds later. Then I would feel the wave of shame and embarrassment wash over me. This is the lows of stuttering.
When I was 30 years old, I was very fortunate to work for a really great startup company and at this time I was early in my career as a graphic designer. It was my dream job. I worked on some really big brand name accounts, clients that were worth millions of dollars. It was very corporate, so that meant a lot of meetings.
And you know what comes with a lot of meetings. It's usually where someone says, Hey, let's go around the room and introduce yourself. So imagine I'm sitting in the boardroom. With a dozen other people, sweating, heart racing, hands shaking, and it's my turn to introduce myself. I am so self-conscious with all these eyes on me.
I can barely get the words out to say who I am and what I do. Oh my gosh. You know this moment. It's just so painful. And then. Guess what? The million dollar client laughs at me. Laughs at me. That's right. He makes a joke like if I even know my name or not. Haha. Very funny. Not. You know how it goes. I can't tell you how devastated and humiliated I felt in front of my co-workers.
I now understand why there's such a saying dying of embarrassment because literally a part of you does die. Your soul, a part of yourself, has been deeply hurt and shamed in public. prior to this situation, when someone laughed at me when I stuttered on my name, I just tried to ignore it or pretend it didn't even happen at all. But more often than not, I just stood in my own party of self-pity. And I would think to myself, if I can't even say my name, who am I?
Am I even a worthy human being? But this time, something was different. After it happened, something came over me. This time I got angry, and I mean really angry. Instead of turning the anger in towards myself, And beating myself up like I normally would, I use that energy behind the anger to work for me. I was so desperate for a way out, to stop the misery and suffering on a daily basis.
Man, my old name, saying it was so hard. I mean, I'd been trying to say my name for, up to that point, my entire life. And the physical, psychological, mental, and emotional baggage was so deeply entrenched in the pathways of my brain and in my nervous system. I so desperately wanted to be able to say my name fluently, but it felt like I was constantly hitting my head against a brick wall.
Then I wondered, who says you have to climb over that brick wall? Who says your name has to be set in stone? I thought to myself, if no one hears me stutter when I say my name, then there will be nothing for them to laugh at. So I decided to go around that brick wall, and that is the exact moment I decided to change my name.
I can only imagine what you're thinking, like, that's crazy talk, who changes their name? Well, one of my favorite quotes is by Jim Rohn. And he says, quote, if you don't like how things are, change it, you're not a tree. And I couldn't agree more. When a tree is planted, it stays put in that spot and never moves. Most people would believe that the name you're given at birth is like a tree. Once you're named by your parents, that's your name. Maybe you get a nickname, but what you're given at birth is your name for the rest of your life.
It's planted and stays rooted, and your name takes a spot on the branch in your family tree. I love this quote so much, I'm going to say it again. If you don't like how things are, change it. You're not a tree. this quote is a reminder that we have the ability to make a new choice.
We have the ability to change as we desire. We don't have to stay where we've been planted. Unlike a tree, we're not physically rooted into the ground. so, if you don't like where you are, or how things are, we have the amazing ability to pick ourselves up and move, or make a different choice, to get a different job, or move to another city.
I know for some people, the concept of changing your name might not be easy to understand, but you might be surprised to learn that God changed people's names in the Bible. when God changed a person's name and gave him a new one. It was done to establish a new identity.
The new name was to show them they were destined for a new mission in life. The new name was a way to reveal the divine plan and ensure that God's plan would be fulfilled through them.
In the same way, I felt that by changing my name, I was also creating a new identity for myself and that this new name would allow me to live my life.
I know there may be some people who would insist that saying your name is just a matter of practice using speech therapy techniques by practicing saying your name over and over again until you're fluid.
I'd read about Peter Lau, an author who solved his own name saying problem. In his book, Stuttering as a Mind Body Disorder, he tells the story of how he took four days off of work, and using a speech therapy technique, he mass practiced saying his name over and over again. Peter states in his book, quote, that by saying your name fluently so many times, This event sheet creates new fluent pathways in your brain. He says, at the end of those four days, I was totally sick and tired of my name. But that feeling replaced the fear and tension.
He admits that this option definitely requires a lot of effort, time, and patience. Hmm, I don't know about you, but that sounds really painful. I must admit what Peter did was remarkable, but I don't believe it's what most people have the patience to sign up for.
I love this quote by Socrates. Quote: The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new. The way I see it, Peter focused all of his energy on fighting the old. And although he was very successful at it, it took him four entire days. Non stop to do it. Hats off to Peter, but I believe more in the idea of building the new.
I feel like there's something easier and more empowering about moving towards something new, rather than fighting or pushing away something old. Old. I believe true long lasting change works when it's coming from a place of good energy and growth and not trying to replace the fear and tension of something old.
I get it. A lot of people can think that change is scary or that is painful, but I must admit that changing my name was painless. In fact, it was the complete opposite of scary and painful. Yes, there was paperwork and a fee to be paid, but it was easy, fun, and exciting in a good way. There was a reason I picked a super simple name.
A one syllable word is super simple to say. From a baby book of names. My top picks were Claire, Brooke, and Paige. I wanted my new name to flow like water, to feel effortless. In choosing a new name, I chose a name that I could say right now. Not a name I could say fluently in four days from now, four months, or four years from now, but right now.
Now, I want you to understand, I'm not saying you have to change your name. And I want to be clear, it was not a magic pill. It's not like I changed my name and all my problems were solved and went away. Or that I still didn't stutter in a lot of other ways. But I hope you can understand that it was about so much more than just physically being able to say my name.
Saying your name is about connection. This is why it can be so painful about not being able to say your name. When you're stuck in a stutter and you look away, losing eye contact causes this loss of connection with another person. And connection is our most basic and universal need with others. Now, when I introduce myself, I'm proud to say my name and be who I am. I make eye contact, smile, and it feels so, so good. At the time, I didn't realize the play on words, like page the name versus page of a book. Believe it or not, people who knew me from before growing up in childhood, they said I was more page now than I ever was a Marcy.
My new name was really like turning a new page. It was a blank slate, a new beginning, starting a new chapter in my life.
In changing my name, it felt like I was letting go of emotional baggage. I was letting go of years of bad memories and experiences that were all attached to my old name. What I was gaining was not only a new name, but permission to be myself. And it was like a giant reset button in my mind. I could start again.
It grew my self-confidence, something I desperately lacked at the time. I suffered from such low self-esteem, such low self-worth, and deep seated feelings of shame.
My new name gave me a new foundation in which to lay a new sense of myself upon. Like God changing people's names to help them fulfill their purpose, I believe I changed my name so that I could become more. Me. I created a new sense of myself. And in the process, I created a new life, my comfort zone expanded, and I opened up and as I did, my world opened up.
I started smiling more, engaging with people, and I realized I'm not a tree stuck where I've been planted. I have choice to change if I want. If something is not working, I Why can't we shed off something that isn't serving us, butterfly, or transform ourselves from a cocoon into a beautiful butterfly.
Many people expressed their concern that I would just stutter on my new name, but I didn't entertain these thoughts at all. I believed and made sure I could say it from day one. Choosing a new name for myself was so empowering, even more powerful because I could say it. I've never stuttered on my name, Paige.
Ever. No matter what, without fail, I've said my name Paige Smith fluently for 21 years, changing my name was truly an act of renewal. And the catalyst to who I've become now.
If I hadn't changed my name, If I had listened to the naysayers in my life and kept my birth name as it was, I know for a fact that I wouldn't be the person that I am today. Changing my name to a name I could say is the greatest gift I've ever given to myself. Changing my name was more than just about getting fluency to say my name.
What it gave me was me.
I hope you enjoyed this personal story. Thank you for listening.