See What’s Really Going On When You Get “The Look”

Ever get 'the look' while you're stuck in a stutter? When you realize that other peoples’ reactions are not about you, you hold onto your own power and confidence.

In this episode, we delve into the "Looking Glass Self," a concept that explores how our self-concept is shaped by others. This concept involves imagining how we appear to others, anticipating their judgments, and developing feelings based on these perceptions. For those who stutter, perceived judgments during moments of disfluency can impact self-esteem. We discuss strategies to break free from external validation and encourage self-acceptance. Find out what truly matters when you look in the mirror.

Highlights

0:28 Introduction to what is going on behind "The Look"
2:18 What exactly is "The Looking Glass Self"?
2:45 The 3-step process of this psychological phenomenon
5:16 How dangerous our imagined judgments can be
6:23 Learn how the world and people act as our 'mirrors'
8:43 One side effect of 'The Look'
10:34 Five strategies to overcome the negative effects of The Looking Glass Self
13:36 Key points to remember the next time you get 'The Look'
14:20 Self-guided questions to reflect on your own self-concept
15:05 Closing comments: it's time to shatter those mirrors and take back your power

Links

What’s Your Stutter Personality? Take the quiz to find out! https://www.thehappystutterer.com/quiz/

Recovery from Stuttering Relapse: Coaching solutions with Paige
https://www.thehappystutterer.com/services/

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Instagram: Follow here https://www.instagram.com/thehappystutterer/

Transcript

Have you ever been stuck in a block or a repetition during a moment of stuttering and received the look from the individual you're speaking with? You know what I'm talking about, right? The look is the reaction or gaze you might receive from others when you're in a moment of stuttering. Today, we're delving into what is going on behind the look, and it's a concept called the looking glass self.

If you've never heard of this term before, That's okay, because this is what we're going to jump into and learn about whether you realize it or not, everyone experiences the psychological phenomenon, but we're going to look at it through the lens of stuttering. When I understood how this concept has played out in shaping my own sense of self, and how I've grown up in the world as a person who stutters, a big light bulb moment went off for me.

Like, ah, now I get it.

I hope by the end of this episode, you'll experience your own aha moments of self-awareness. So in this episode, we're going to learn what the looking glass self is all about, how our sense of self is intertwined with the perceptions of those around us, and its complex interplay between the self-perception and social interaction.

We'll identify the three steps of this concept and reveal how it has profound impact on people who stutter, especially when it comes to getting the look. Also help you navigate your own dance between your own internal self-perception, and the external reflections we receive by society.

Okay, so what exactly is the looking glass self? Back in 1902, the looking glass self is a sociological concept developed by an American named Charles Horton Cooley. The Looking Glass Self is a process where an individual develops their self-concept and self-identity through their interactions with others.

This concept is a threestep process.

First, a person imagines how they appear to others.

Second, they imagine how others judge them in appearance.

And third, that an individual develops feelings about themselves based on these perceptions. Since social interaction can be like a type of mirror, 

people use the judgments they receive from others to measure their own worth, values, and behavior. Now, no one is immune from this. But for a person who stutters, this can be extremely damaging to your self-esteem and confidence if what you get mirrored back to you is less than positive. Okay, let's dive deeper into each of these three steps or parts of the looking glass self through the lens of stuttering.

First, we imagine how we appear to others. You contemplate and obsess how you present yourself to the world. You might wonder what your friends, family, and even strangers on the street think about you when you stutter, especially when you get stuck in a bad block or struggle with secondary behaviors.

Second part is we imagine others’ thoughts or judgments on how we appear. This means you anticipate what others think of you based on their observations. If you're a person who stutters, you might speculate on what others might think of you based on their observations, meaning what they think when they see you stutter.

And step number three, whether or not we change our appearance or behavior, based on how we think others view us. What this means is you develop feelings about yourself based on your interpretations of how others see you. And depending on whether these interpretations are positive or negative, your feelings can arrange from pride and confidence or to self-doubt and insecurity.

When you stutter, and if you're sensitive to the reactions of others, you might adapt with covert behavior like hiding and avoiding to minimize those negative evaluations from others. Now, it's important to recognize that these feelings are not always grounded in reality, but rather Based on your own perceptions of others evaluations.

I'll say that again. We're often influenced not by others actual opinions of us, but by what we imagine their opinions to be. This can be dangerous, as our perceptions could most likely be incorrect as we develop our identity on those perceptions. What we think someone thinks of us is in actuality may not be true.

So depending on how you've internalized these perceptions, they shape how you feel about yourself. You might either feel a sense of pride or more likely might feel a sense of embarrassment or shame. And this is where you might become covert about having a stutter to avoid or stop any further opportunity for embarrassment or shame to happen.

It's only normal that the world and the people around us act as mirrors when we're growing up, because that's how we learn as children. Now, to be clear, when I say mirror, what exactly does this mean? One of the most common ways is the reaction on another person's face, acting as a mirror. This comes through in eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, all the nonverbal expressions shown either in a positive or negative way.

Now, the problem with people being a mirror to you is that they bring their own distortions. What they think they see may be their truth, but generally, it's not the truth. 

You need to understand that the reaction is based on their own experiences or perceptions and has nothing to do with you. Now, how does this mirror work? The look is the reaction or gaze you might receive from others.

During a moment of disfluency, like blocking and stuttering from your audience, you may get a look of surprise. Or confusion, or impatience, even discomfort when they hear speech disruptions or repetitions.

It's important to remember people who stutter only make up about 1 percent of the population. So know that a reaction from your audience might be of genuine surprise because they don't know how to react. Sometimes they react with a look, or uncomfortable laughter, or a remark that is less than tactful.

But once again, remember, this has nothing to do with you. Easier said than done, of course. I understand how frustrating this experience can be. It's hard for the look to not contribute to feelings of self-consciousness or anxiety in social situations. But if you approach speaking interactions with the understanding that how another person reacts to you has nothing to do with you, then you hold on to your own power, self-worth.

One side effect of the look from others is that it can influence your behavior. For instance, this might look like hiding your stutter by avoiding specific speaking situations that could expose it. You might hide your stutter to fit in, portraying a fluent self. Or you might avoid saying certain sounds or words that you just know will trip you up.

Just to keep the illusion going that you're a fluent speaker and all of this is done so that your sense of self feels like you fit in. Even if it's a fake facade of who you really are. Now, you're only being human, and it's totally normal to want this feeling, to fit in and feel like you belong.

Many of us seek positive attention and approval from others, especially in our formative years. From a young age, you might become acutely aware of how your speech is perceived by others. And in attempt to fit into societal norms and avoid potential judgment, you start hiding your stutter or avoiding certain words, situations, or sounds that might reveal your speech impediment.

This concealment becomes your coping mechanism, a way to present fluency that aligns with what you believe others expect. It makes sense that we create an image we think others will approve of. But being overly concerned with other people's opinions of you to the point where you feel like you're masking your authentic self, most of the time, out of fear, this is exhausting.

Now that we know what the concept of the looking glass self is all about, and understand how this shows up, what can we do? Here are some strategies you can use. Okay, number one, stop trying to guess or read people's minds. Even if you think you know, you don't know what other people are thinking. It's foolish to guess what other people are thinking or to think that they are even thinking about you. It's understandable that you might want to know. So if you do want to know, the only way to truly know is to ask them.

Number two. Wean yourself off of external validation and approval. It's sad, but a real truth. we can all be addicted to what other people think about us. But when you break free from the addiction to external validation. Remember that the most important opinion about yourself is your own, start looking inward and embrace who you are.

Number three. What someone thinks of you is none of your business. This is one of the most liberating messages I ever learned. Why? Because when you really believe that what other people think of you is none of your business, then you relieve yourself of the responsibility to please everyone around you. And this is true inner freedom. The most important question is this, what do you think of you? This is the only thing that matters.

Number four, build a healthier self-concept of yourself. People are allowed to have their own opinions. But your self-esteem should not be based on opinions of other people.

Your self-worth should primarily stem from your own beliefs and values. It's better to ask yourself, what do I like and value within myself? Truly liking yourself is more important than other people liking you. And number five, practice self-validation and self-acceptance. If you find yourself seeking validation and approval from others, it's time to cultivate this within yourself.

Build up your own self-esteem and learn to accept yourself. All of these strategies will help you start to overcome the negative effects of the looking glass self. To sum up, the looking glass self is a powerful force in how our self-concept is shaped. It can lead to both correct and incorrect perceptions of how others see us.

 Here are some key points to take into your life this week.

Number one. While the opinions of others certainly matter, they should not define us entirely.

Number two. We cannot control how others perceive us.

Number three. Break free from the mirrors of external validation and rely on your own discernment.

Number four, learn to trust your judgment, validate yourself, and embrace your own uniqueness. And above all, remember no matter what, what truly matters is what you think of you.

I encourage you to reflect on your own self-concept. Here are some questions you can ask yourself.

How do you think you appear to others when you stutter? Do you believe others are viewing you in the same way that you view yourself? How do the perceptions of other people you develop, influence the feelings you develop about yourself because you stutter?

Are you overly influenced by the imagined judgments of others. And if so, how might these imagined judgments affect your fluency? It's time to shatter those mirrors and take back your power.

As we draw the curtains on today's episode. I hope you've gained valuable insights into this concept of the looking glass self and how it molds your self-concept. Remember you are more than the reflection others see. Don't let the perceived judgments of others define you. Instead, trust in your own perception and self-worth.

It's important to remember the only opinion that truly matters is your own.