Communication and Connection: 100% Fluency Not Mandatory

You may put a lot of pressure on yourself to speak fluently, but it’s not the only thing that matters when it comes to communicating with others.

Delve into the realm of meaningful connections and effective communication, discovering that fluency is not mandatory. Uncover the hidden aspects of expression as up to 93% of communication is non-verbal. Explore the importance of active listening, the strength of holding eye contact, and the magic of speaking with a smile. Shift your focus from fluency to genuine connection. Gain insights, empower yourself, and nurture the understanding that connecting with others transcends fluency. Unleash the true art of communication and be a confident communicator regardless of your fluency level.

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Transcript

When you're a person who stutters, you may put a lot of pressure on yourself to speak fluently. You may believe that fluency is the only thing that matters when it comes to communicating with others. If you believe that fluency is the only thing that leads to connecting with others, You're not alone.

But really, there are more skills to the art of communication and the ability to connect with others than just achieving fluency. Believe it or not, you don't have to be 100 percent fluent to become a great communicator. And since no one was born with these skills, you can learn them just like everybody else.

In today's episode, we're going to explore the art of communication. I'm going to share with you the four most important ingredients needed for great communication. And here's a tip, fluency is not mandatory. Number one, power of listening. Ingredient number two, connect with eye contact. Number three, say it with a smile.

And four, your role as speaker. It's a natural desire to create meaningful connection with others. This is one of our most primal needs as a human being. When it comes to the art of communication, how you interact with people is more important than what you say or how you say it. Did you know that up to 93 percent of communication is non verbal?

And that only 7 percent comes from what is actually said? What this means is even though verbal communication may seem all important, spoken words make up only a very small part of your communication skills. Okay, let's start with ingredient number one, the power of listening. Listening is the most important part of communication.

It's a crucial element in creating a deeper connection with others. The best communicators are almost always the best listeners. However, it's very common for a person who stutters to be so focused on what they're going to say next and how they're going to say it, that they're not even listening. Does this, by chance, sound familiar?

I know, I'm guilty of this one for sure. I mean, I'd be planning my response before they even finished speaking, just so this would give me enough time to think about what I was going to say. But what I was really doing was pre planning what I wanted to say. Fluently, so instead of truly listening to what the other person was saying, I was busy scanning for danger words or sounds and swapping out those words for ones I felt more confident to say in that moment.

It's no wonder, by the end of the day, I was, most of the time, physically drained from the emotional and mental gymnastics I was doing all in my head. The real problem in trying so hard to be fluent was that a lot of the time, I missed key information from what the other person was telling me. Listening is a key ingredient in communicating effectively with others because then you're more able to provide a thoughtful answer that shows you've taken their thoughts into consideration.

One interesting truth about people in general is that they love talking about themselves. Listening intently, you can show your interest in what's being said without even saying a word. With engagement cues such as nodding your head and including small verbal comments like yes or uh huh, they'll think you're the most interesting person to talk to.

So, to communicate effectively with others, don't get distracted too much in advance by overthinking about what you're going to say. Staying in the moment and being present is a gift you give to the person you're speaking with. Ingredient number two is connect with your eyes. They say the window to the soul is through your eyes.

When you look someone in the eye, you connect with them on the same level. As equals, maintaining eye contact builds credibility and demonstrates you care about your listener. For a person who stutters. It can be common to lose eye contact when they're stuck in a stutter, either from a long repetition or a hard block.

Is this something you experience? For me, I didn't struggle with hard blocks, but I would definitely look away if I was stuck in a long repetition in front of someone. Instinctively, I looked away to protect myself. It was just too painful for me, for them to see me stutter.

Even though they were right there in front of me and could clearly see me stutter. In some strange way, I felt like if I didn't look at the person who I was talking to, then I would somehow protect myself from seeing how they were reacting to me. I protected myself so that I would not get the look and be open to possible rejection.

But to be honest, this rejection was imagined and not real 99 percent of the time. In other situations, you may feel like you should break eye contact to prevent the other person from feeling uncomfortable. But this may actually give off the idea that you're uncomfortable. And if you see listeners look away, it might be you looking away, even without realizing it.

And when you lower your gaze, it's a nonverbal act of submission, unintentional or not. Eye contact is a key ingredient because it creates true, authentic connection with another person. This is why it's good practice to maintain eye contact with the person you're speaking to. Alright, here's ingredient number three.

Say it with a smile. The most magical thing is a smile, and it's so easy to share with others. Smiling while speaking is a great way to communicate your message to others in a positive way. But for a person who stutters, it can be hard to smile because they're so focused on how they're saying what they want to say.

I'm curious, I'm curious. Do you smile when speaking? For the longest time, speaking was serious business for me. And because I found speaking hard, I wasn't enjoying myself. So, of course I didn't smile. I always thought I didn't smile because I stuttered. I discovered another reason why I wasn't smiling.

Growing up, I never liked my teeth and always wanted braces. When I could finally afford them, I was 34 years old, and I wore them for three and a half years. Once I got the braces off, something amazing happened. I no longer found myself feeling self-conscious to hide my teeth, and in turn, I found myself smiling and laughing more. So with one less thing to hide, I began to feel more free.

It actually opened up my mouth while talking, making it easier to create the sounds and words I wanted to say. And this had a positive impact on increasing my natural fluency. There are also other health benefits to smiling. Smiling reduces stress that your body and mind feel, almost similar to getting a good sleep.

Smiling helps to generate more positive emotions in you, so it might help you out the next time you're feeling stressed in a speaking situation. In fact, the act of smiling can elevate your mood and the mood of those around you. So, whether in person or over the phone, your listener will hear your message with the positive energy of your smile.

And now we're down to the last ingredient, role of speaker. When we communicate with others, it's important to understand the role between the listener and that of the speaker. the speaker focuses on his or her own needs, and does not concern themselves about what the listener is thinking.

However, for a person who stutters, it's common to think about what the listener might be thinking when they're speaking, rather than just focusing on what they have to say. By chance, is this true for you? We tend to think that when we're speaking, our listener is judging us because we stutter. But this kind of thinking affects everything we do when we communicate with others.

It took me a long time to learn the simple truth. Most people are too self absorbed to obsess or think much about your stutter. I know, shocking, right? But it's true. One important factor to take note here is if you identify as an HSP, a highly sensitive person, you're naturally inclined to be acutely aware of your environment and the people in it. Your default setting is to think about other people first, even subconsciously. This is why you might tend to think about your listener more, more than other people normally would.

In a research paper about coping methods and strategies for people who stutter, seven out of the nine participants identified with the following statement.

In quotes, to protect myself from hurt and the listener from a stressful interaction, I try to take the perspective of the listener and assume responsibility for putting him or her at ease.

The real truth is this, you're not responsible for the reactions of your listener. If you are feeling out of control in speaking situations, it might be because you're trying to control the uncontrollable, preventing potential negative reactions from other people. It's important for you to know that most people are not judging you the way you think they are for effective communication.

The speaker focuses on his or her own needs and does not worry about what the listener is thinking. So take the focus off of your listener and put that energy into what you're saying instead. Now that we've covered the four ingredients for effective communication, here are some strategies you can take away with you this week to become a better communicator.

Strategy number one. To be a good listener, stop pre planning how you're going to say something. Don't get distracted too much in advance by thinking about what you want to say. This might be easier said than done, so it takes self awareness to change this habit. Strategy number two, to stay connected with others.

Make and hold eye contact as much as you can. If you have a hard time making eye contact, pick one safe person to consciously build up the skill. Give yourself permission to take the time you need. Practice is progress, not perfection. Here is strategy number three. To set the stage for positive experiences, speak with a genuine smile.

Now, to be clear, I don't want you to go out and force a fake smile on your face. And I don't like the saying, fake it till you make it. But I do encourage you to try this out and see what happens for yourself when you go into a speaking situation with a smile on your face. And finally, strategy number four, to become a better speaker.

Focus on the message you want to say. It's best to keep your focus on one thing at a time so your attention is in the right place. This strategy is about focusing on what you're saying, not pre planning on how you're going to say it. For effective communication, focus on your own needs. Take the focus off of your listener and put that energy into what you're saying instead.

As we're getting to the end of this episode, I want to leave you with some questions for you to start thinking about your current communication style. Now understand, there is no judgment as to where you are now. But in order to change your current experience, you need to know what to change. And that takes self-awareness.

Here are a list of questions to get you started. Do you believe yourself to be a good listener? What is your experience in making eye contact with others when you're speaking? And how does making eye contact help or hinder your fluency? How might the benefits of smiling affect your overall mood and fluency?

And if you notice that you don't smile, what else might be getting in the way? And to what degree do you believe the responsibility you feel for your listener

I hope this information and strategies I've shared with you helps you be more confident when you're communicating with other people. You may put a lot of pressure on yourself to speak fluently. but know that fluency is not the only thing that matters when it comes to communicating with others.

There are many more skills to the art of communication, And I hope this changes your belief that you don't have to be 100 percent fluent to be a great communicator.

If you have any thoughts about this episode, I'd love to hear from you. You can email me, Paige, at thehappystutterer.com.