QUICK TIPS: 4 Steps to Use Assertiveness and Set Boundaries at Work

Episode Summary

In this episode, Jeremy explores how to use assertiveness—not passivity or aggression—to set clear, respectful boundaries at work. You’ll learn practical tools to protect your time, reduce burnout, and improve communication with colleagues and supervisors.

What You’ll Learn

• What assertiveness really is (and isn’t)
  
  
• Why boundary-setting is key to professional well-being
  
  
• The 4-step assertiveness framework
  
  
• Word-for-word example statements to use at work
  
  
• How to handle pushback with calm confidence
  
  
• Why assertiveness builds stronger teams and cultures
  
  

Episode Highlights

🔹 [00:44] — The difference between passive, aggressive, and assertive communication
🔹 [01:33] — Step 1: How to recognize when a boundary is being crossed
🔹 [02:27] — Step 2: Crafting powerful “I” statements that express needs
🔹 [03:44] — Step 3: Why clarity and directness prevent misunderstandings
🔹 [05:00] — Step 4: Tools for reinforcing your boundaries respectfully
🔹 [06:17] — What to do when people push back
🔹 [07:19] — Final thoughts on building healthier workplaces through assertiveness

Connect with Us

🌐 Website: PollackPeacebuilding.com

🌐 Dr. Pollack’s Club: peacefulleadersacademy.com/club
📧 Email: support@pollackpeacebuilding.com
📱 LinkedIn: Jeremy Pollack  

📢 Share this episode with a colleague who needs support setting healthy boundaries!

Host: Dr. Jeremy Pollack from Pollack Peacebuilding Systems

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• Peaceful Leaders Academy
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Transcript

0:02

Welcome to Peace Building with Dr. Pollock. This is a Quick Tips episode where I explore the strategies, psychology and interpersonal tools that help you build better relationships at work and beyond. I'm Dr. Jeremy Pollock. I'm a social organizational psychologist with a specialty in peace and conflict psychology. I'm also the CEO of Pollock Peacebuilding Systems. We're a workplace conflict management, consulting, and training firm. Today's episode is all about assertiveness and how to use it to set healthy, respectful boundaries at work. If you ever felt overworked, overwhelmed, interrupted, disrespected, uh, but didn't know how to speak up, this episode is for you. So let's first discuss assertiveness as a general concept. Assertiveness is the confident, calm expression of your needs, rights, and boundaries without violating the needs and rights of others. It's not aggression and it's not passivity. You can think of assertiveness as sort of the middle ground, where aggressive behavior says, my needs matter and yours don't. And passive behavior might say your needs matter, but mine don't. But assertive behavior says both of our needs matter. Let's work it out. At its core, assertiveness is a form of self-respect and mutual respect. So let's walk through four key steps for using assertiveness to set boundaries at work with examples and tools that you can use right away. Step one, identify what's not working. Before you can speak up, you need clarity. What behavior or situation is crossing your boundaries? Let me give you a hypothetical. Imagine you are an employee and every Friday your supervisor sends you quote unquote, urgent client work at 4:45 PM even though you've clearly said that you're unavailable after 5:00 PM so you stay late week after week. Resentful, drained. There's a boundary being crossed here. So the key here is to ask yourself on a regular basis, when do I feel drained? When do I feel resentful? Or when do I feel disrespected at work? Is there any kind of pattern around this? And have I clearly communicated my limits or my expectations to others? Self-awareness is the first step towards assertiveness. Now, step two. You use assertive language. Once you've identified the issue, it's time to express it. And here's where language matters. Assertive language is clear and specific. It's focused on your experience, and it's free of blame or passive aggression. The most effective formula is something called an I statement, sometimes also called an assertion message. It's simple, but it's powerful. So here's the formula I feel and then add the emotion when add the behavior, and I need add the boundary or request. So for instance, as an example, you might say, I feel overwhelmed when urgent tasks are sent at the end of the day on Friday, and I need those assignments earlier so I can plan and complete them during my work hours. Notice what's happening, you're not making any accusations. You don't raise your voice, you just make a clear statement of needs. So again, the key here for this step is to practice your I statements or your assertion message before a conversation. Write it down, practice it a little bit, keep it short, keep it calm, and keep yourself confident in your request. Step three. Be clear and direct. One of the biggest pitfalls in setting boundaries is being vague or hoping others just kind of get it. Assertiveness requires directness. Now, that doesn't mean you have to be harsh. It means don't sugarcoat or hint be simple. Be plain. Let's say your coworker frequently stops by your desk to chat, breaking your focus from whatever you're doing. And you like them, but it's hurting your productivity. This sort of constant pattern of stopping by. So you're not gonna say something like, listen, I can't talk right now. I'm just very busy. That's. True, but it's not very direct in terms of making a request based on your needs. So instead, you might say something like this, look, I enjoy talking with you, but I need uninterrupted time to focus between nine and 11:00 AM. Can we catch up during lunch instead? That's clear. And it also offers an alternative, which shows you're not shutting them out, you're protecting your work time, but you're also including them at a later time. So the key here is use the yes and strategy. It goes like this. Yes, I'd like to help with that project, and I need two days to shift my schedule. This lets you affirm the relationship while maintaining your limits. Okay, step four. In using assertiveness, hold the line with consistency. One of the hardest parts of boundary setting is reinforcement. People will forget your boundaries or they might test them or they might push back. If you give in after setting a boundary, you're teaching people that it wasn't very serious. Consistency doesn't mean being inflexible, it just means being reliable. Let's say you told your team not to schedule meetings during your deep work block from two to 4:00 PM but a colleague books one anyway. Instead of silently attending and just kind of feeling resentful. You could reply with something like, I've blocked off two to 4:00 PM for deep work as we discussed. Can we move this to four 15 or tomorrow morning? You're not being difficult. You're maintaining a boundary that you already set and reminding them with respect, you're using again, that yes, and still including them. Not brushing them off, but letting them know where your boundary is. So here's a tool for you in this step. create written boundaries wherever possible. For example, you could set calendar blocks for focus time. You could add response time expectations to your email signature. You could reinforce verbally if needed, but let your systems support your limits as much as possible. Now, I wanna talk about handling pushback or discomfort when you start to set boundaries through assertiveness. What if the other person, for instance, doesn't respond well to your. Boundary setting. That's okay. Assertiveness doesn't guarantee comfort. It guarantees clarity and discomfort. Doesn't mean you did something wrong. Here's what to remember. Just stay calm. Don't escalate the situation. Repeat your boundary if needed. For example, you might say, I understand this timing is frustrating. At the same time, I need to stick to the schedule that I've set so I can do my best work. I'm happy to help within those boundaries. Use the broken record technique. Repeat your message kindly, gently, but without justifying or arguing or necessarily backing down. You could be flexible, but again, you have to set boundaries that work for you. Otherwise, you're just gonna end up feeling resentful and not doing great work. You might say, as I mentioned, I'm not available after 5:00 PM but I can handle this first thing tomorrow. Assertive boundaries like this build stronger workplaces. Some people fear that setting boundaries makes them seem selfish or rigid or, uncooperative. But here's the truth, assertiveness builds trust. It tells others that you can count on me to speak honestly. You'll always know where I stand. And I respect both of us enough to be clear with what I need if you model this and you help others communicate this way as well, and everyone starts to communicate in a more assertive way where they set boundaries that are healthy for themselves, workplaces become healthier, they become more transparent and less prone to burnout or conflict due to passive aggressiveness or miscommunication. Let's recap the four steps to using assertiveness at work. Number one, identify what's not working. Tune into when you feel resentful or drained or overextended. Number two, use a sort of language. Speak with confidence using your eye statements and clear requests. Number three, be clear and direct. Don't sugarcoat it. Don't be vague. State your needs plainly with respect. And number four, hold the line with consistency, reinforce your boundaries calmly and follow through. And remember, assertiveness is a muscle that gets stronger with use. You may feel uncomfortable at first trying to implement it, but each time you speak up with clarity and respect, strengthening your confidence and your relationships. Thanks for tuning into Peace Building with Dr. Pollock. If this episode helped you and you think it can help others, please share it. And for ongoing learning and to really master your workplace conflict resolution skills, consider joining my Peaceful Leaders Club Club members get access to exclusive content coaching with me and my expert, conflict coaches, and my entire online course library. You can join@peacefulleadersacademy.com slash club, or click on the link in the show notes below and if your company needs training or conflict intervention or mediation, visit us@pollockpeacebuilding.com to learn more about our services. Until next time, speak clearly, set boundaries respectfully, and lead with integrity.