QUICK TIPS: How Not to Take Things Personally

Episode Summary:
In this episode, Dr. Jeremy Pollack explores one of the most common emotional traps we fall into—taking things personally. Whether it’s a curt email, a dismissive look, or tough feedback, it’s easy to assume it’s about us. But in most cases, it’s not. Dr. Pollack breaks down why we take things personally, how it affects our nervous system and workplace relationships, and five practical strategies to stop the spiral before it starts.

What You’ll Learn:
✅ Why we’re wired to take things personally
✅ How to regulate your response with a simple breathing technique
✅ How to reframe negative assumptions with more balanced narratives
✅ Tools to stop mind-reading and start asking the right questions
✅ A daily practice to build unshakable internal confidence

Key Takeaways:

• Pause and Breathe to calm your nervous system before reacting.
  
  
• Reframe the Story and consider alternative explanations for others’ behavior.
  
  
• Don’t Mind-Read—you can’t know someone’s intent without asking.
  
  
• Ask Clarifying Questions to avoid unnecessary misinterpretations.
  
  
• Build Internal Confidence so others’ moods don’t shake your sense of worth.
  
  

Connect with Me

🌐 Website: PollackPeacebuilding.com

🌐 Dr. Pollack’s Courses: peacefulleadersacademy.com/courses/
📧 Email: support@pollackpeacebuilding.com
📱 LinkedIn: Jeremy Pollack  

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#donttakeitpersonally #resentment #Peacebuilding #Leadership #ConflictResolution #offensive #Psychology

Host: Dr. Jeremy Pollack from Pollack Peacebuilding Systems

More from Dr. Pollack:

• Peaceful Leaders Academy
• Conflict Resolution Playbook: Practical Communication Skills for Preventing, Managing, and Resolving Conflict
• FREE e-book: The Ultimate 12-Step Guide to Coworker Mediation: Free Ebook - Pollack Peacebuilding Systems

Connect with Dr. Pollack on social media: Facebook | Twitter | YouTube | LinkedIn

Transcript

0:00

welcome to Peace Building with Dr. Pollock. This is a quick Tips episode where I explore the strategies, psychology and interpersonal tools that help you build better relationships at work and beyond. I'm Dr. Jeremy Pollock. I'm a social organizational psychologist with a specialty in peace and conflict psychology. I'm also the CEO of Pollock, peace Building Systems, workplace Conflict Management, consulting and training firm. Today we're diving into a topic that hits close to home for many of us, how not to take things personally, whether it's a sarcastic remark from a coworker or getting left off an email threat or. Receiving blunt feedback from your manager. It's easy to internalize others' behaviors as a personal attack. But here's the thing, most of the time it's not about you. So today we will look at how to stop taking things personally, how to stay grounded in your own worth and how to keep your nervous system calm when someone triggers that. All too familiar defensiveness. I first wanna dive into why we take things personally. Taking things personally is a very natural response. Evolutionarily, we are wired to seek connection and avoid rejection. So when someone's behavior seems cold or critical or dismissive, our brains often interpret it as a threat, but that ancient wiring doesn't always serve us. In modern work environments Most of the time, people's behavior reflects their internal state, not your value. They might be stressed or overwhelmed or insecure, or even just unaware of how they're coming off. And when we realize that we can shift from taking things personally to approaching situations with curiosity and compassion. So let's go over a few strategies. First strategy. Let's start with something simple, but very powerful. Pause and breathe. When someone says something and it just. Doesn't sit well with you, or it stings you in some way. Your nervous system jumps into fight or flight mode. Your heart rate spikes, your mind races, and you might feel the urge to snap back or just shut down or just go into rumination. So instead pause and breathe. It's really that simple. Even though it's not that easy, you're simply going to take a pause, commit to. Not reacting, just responding at first and just take a deep breath in through your nose, deep into your belly, and I would say repeat that breath two or three times. Just a nice deep belly breath. This helps regulate your nervous system and create space between the stimulus, the thing that's happening, and your response. That space is where your real power to respond effectively lives. Okay. Strategy two, reframe the story. Now I'm gonna use an example to help illustrate this strategy. Let's say you walk into a team meeting and your colleague barely acknowledges you. Your immediate thought might be, they're mad at me, or did I do something wrong? But let's zoom out for a moment. What if you reframe the story as. They might be having a tough day or they could be stressed or distracted. This isn't about excusing their behavior. It's about protecting your peace of mind. And a really nice little tool to implement with this is if you put together and you kept a mental list of alternative explanations that you can just turn to whenever this kind of thing happens when your brain says it's about me. Respond with two other non-personal reasons, their behavior could make sense. Go to your list, take a look, which one of those things you wrote down could actually make sense. This takes some practice, but over time it helps to rewire your default assumptions. Okay, strategy three. Don't mind read. One of the quickest ways to take something personally is to start mind reading. We assume someone's silence means disapproval, or their tone means judgment. But the truth is, unless someone tells you what they're thinking, you really don't know so just a tip for you. Adopt a mantra or make a commitment that sounds like this. I don't assign intent without evidence or the stories I'm telling myself are not necessarily true. These kinds of mantras or affirmations help you hold space for uncertainty. Rather than spiraling into some story that leads you into self blame or resentment. Okay. Strategy four, ask clarifying questions. This is a powerful, but a lot of times underused skill. Imagine your manager emails you. It says something like, please rework this presentation. It's not where it needs to be. And that's all they say. And that kind of feels abrupt and very critical. But instead of assuming the worst, you could respond by saying something like. Thanks for the feedback. Can you share what areas you'd like to see improved so I can make sure to focus there? This shows professionalism. It opens communication, and it helps remove ambiguity. When something feels unclear or hurtful, try this formula. Can you help me understand what you meant by. Or just to clarify, did you mean, and then fill in the blanks. This invites dialogue and it gives people a chance to clarify before you internalize their messaging. Okay. Last strategy, build internal confidence. Let's say you've just pitched an idea in a team meeting and the room goes silent. There's no reactions, no feedback, just crickets. That kind of moment can send self-doubt into overdrive, but if you've been actively building internal confidence, you're more likely to say, that doesn't mean it was a bad idea. Maybe they're just still thinking it over. Right? You're giving an alternative explanation that's more founded on confidence and a positive self-concept. one thing you might try is a simple nightly journaling exercise. Even jotting something down each evening, one thing you did well today, one positive quality. You showed one value, you upheld. The goal is to root your confidence in your character and your actions, not in others' reactions. And when you trust your own value, it's easier to let others' behavior bounce off you rather than soak in. All right. A few reminders before we close. Let's quickly recap. Five strategies to help you stop taking things personally. First is pause and breathe, which regulates your nervous system before responding. The second, reframe the story, assume less blame and more possibilities. Number three, don't mind read. Check the facts, not your assumptions. Number four, ask clarifying questions open and calm and curious. Dialogue number five. Build internal confidence. Trust your worth,, independent of others' attitudes. These strategies aren't about ignoring feedback or pretending nothing affects you. They're about choosing how you respond and protecting your peace in the process. thanks for tuning into Peace Building with Dr. Pollock. If this episode helped you and think it can help others, please share it. For ongoing learning and to really master your workplace conflict resolution skills, consider joining my Peaceful Leaders Club Club members, get access to exclusive content coaching with me and my expert, conflict coaches, and my entire online course library. You can join@peacefulleadersacademy.com slash club or click on the link in the show notes and if your company needs training or conflict intervention or mediation. Visit us@pollockpeacebuilding.com to learn more about our services. Until next time, take care of yourself and each other.