“Awakened Wellness”, where self-discovery meets purposeful, lasting change.

Awakened Wellness: "Seeing Caregiving Differently: Less Stress, More Clarity"

• Marie knoetig • Season 2 • Episode 15

Share episode

Send us a text

Caregiving is one of the most profound roles we take on—but it can also feel overwhelming, emotional, and even isolating. In this episode of Awakened Wellness, we explore a new perspective on caregiving—one that shifts the focus from exhaustion and duty to clarity, compassion, and understanding the individual’s journey.

💡 What You’ll Learn:
✔️ How to see caregiving as part of the aging journey—not just a task to manage
✔️ The importance of compassionate detachment—supporting without losing yourself
✔️ How to navigate challenging emotions and family dynamics
✔️ Simple shifts that lessen the emotional burden of caregiving
✔️ Ways to honor both the caregiver and the person receiving care

When we step back and see the individual for who they are, not just what they need, caregiving transforms into a more meaningful, less overwhelming experience.

🎧 Listen now and learn how to support aging loved ones with greater ease, presence, and peace of mind.

📩 Are you a caregiver? What’s your biggest challenge? DM me on Instagram—I’d love to hear your story.

🔔 Subscribe to Awakened Wellness for more conversations on self-care, healing, and holistic well-being.


🌿Visit our community for more support and resources:👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇
➤ My Website://awakenedwellness.life
➤ Instagram: https://body.within.healing 
➤ Facebook:https://theBodywithinhealing

For More Information join our community by visiting www.awakenedwellness.life or marieknoetig.com

Speaker 1:

Good afternoon and welcome to Awakened Wellness. Marie and myself will be co-hosting this show and we're so glad that you can join us. Today's show is about guiding the journey, but, as you know, we always have great feedback. Marie has fabulous stories to tell us about previous shows.

Speaker 2:

So what have you got for us? Well, actually, today's a little different. Okay, we're going to go right into the show, because most of it is all feedback and even better solving Rolled right in. So what happened was people have been watching the show and they asked me to do a show, so it's feedback on the show on helping to deal with elder care.

Speaker 2:

Oh, another favorite topic of mine, so it's guiding the journey, which is mindful caregiving for aging parents. Ok, so we're going to start with that, all right. Ok, so the first one was feedback from a client and she's the aging person Okay. So her and her husband are both starting to fail a little bit and the daughter's got her some help three days a week and it's from a veteran's organization and it's three hours each time. And the daughters are very upset with her because she sets things up for them when they get there and she's doing too much work and she's supposed to go sit and do something fun when they're there and she's trying to explain to them that there's different people each time. They don't know where my food is to cook it, they don't know what to do with my laundry, they don't know where to put it, so they ask me a million questions. So if I preset it up, which is a lot of work for her, yes, right, then things go easy. So there's a big clash there because they're saying she's not appreciating what's being done, but she's saying they don't understand the work it takes me to get there.

Speaker 2:

So I asked her. I said what is the most important thing to you? And she said a clean house? Because they don't clean bathrooms, I can't do my bathrooms anymore. And she went down the list. I said so it sounds like the fact that you can't keep your house in order is the most important thing. I can't keep your house in order is the most important thing. I said can you afford a cleaning person? And she said yes, but there's none. We don't know anybody. And I said I get that. I said but would you consider a service coming in? Well, no, no, no, we don't want a service, we want a personal person. I said well, let me give you a tip about a service. The best part about a service is there's a supervisor and a company you can call when you have a problem. You don't have to deal with the person who's cleaning your house, so there's no conflict for you. And sometimes, when you get that personal person, you get too comfy with them, and they're not cleaning your house that way and it becomes a conflict of interest.

Speaker 2:

And she thought about it. She goes well, I get that and I would be open to that, but it's going to be hard for me to work with them to figure out what to do. I said, well, they come in and they assess your house. They ask you what you want done. I said you can even have your daughters with you. She said, well, they live far away. I said what if you facetime them when you walk the house? And she just sat there. She goes that would work, that would work. But but now she's got to go to the daughters and approach it. Who thinks she's not being grateful for the three hours a week? Three hours three days a week? Do you see what I'm saying? So this is about mindful caregiving, meaning, are you stepping back when you are involved in the caregiving situation to see if you're trying to push something or you want it your way, versus what that person?

Speaker 1:

What that person really wants or needs or can do.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and can do, yeah, and can do, so there's a solution. But now there's still a whole other step to the solution to get the loved ones involved and to come on board because they think she has enough. Oh, how frustrating. It's like that, in every situation we're going to talk about, there's two sides to every story.

Speaker 1:

And they're not always coming to the middle.

Speaker 2:

No, and we seem to think it's always the older person that's being the problem, but it's the way everybody sees the situation, is the problem Right? So this is working on what we could do so in that situation. The funny part is the whole family is very spiritual and they all do mindfulness work.

Speaker 1:

I think they're missing something.

Speaker 2:

So it's about seeing that person with compassion and finding out what their true needs are, to see how you can meet their needs not telling them what they need, gotcha, and trying to find what they need according to what you think. Okay. So with that solution, the solution would be for her to go sit with her daughters Hopefully they're open enough and then they can try to rectify the situation Exactly Well that sounds.

Speaker 1:

I mean, she met you halfway and, as you know, she threw up a few roadblocks.

Speaker 2:

She just wanted her house clean and she just kept thinking there were no options, because this is the only option that's been thrown at her.

Speaker 1:

So yeah, I like that idea, all right.

Speaker 2:

The next situation I've come across these are all situations that have been coming my way, and I realized how important it is that people need a voice and then the other side needs to listen. Okay, so now there's a woman who refuses to get her memory issues checked oh okay. And the husband can't broach it with her because that's just not good. The daughter tried to broach it and she had nothing to do with it. I'm not going to get checked, nothing. What do you do then?

Speaker 1:

Well, it's a tough one. That's a very hard one, you know, one that I'm dealing with. It's hard because when you push too hard, a fight ensues and generally the person with the memory issue is totally offended. They get angry, sometimes to the point where they're just screaming and yelling and not hearing anything themselves, but they're still avoiding going to the doctor.

Speaker 2:

There's a lot of fear. So what happened in this situation? A third party person came in oh okay, and went to the person and said I heard that your family's fighting you about you getting checked. And she says, yeah, they won't leave me alone. And she said is there a reason? And she says I just don't want to. And then she said is there a reason? And she says I just don't want to. And then she said well, have you ever thought about them, worried about you and how they're going to care for you if they don't even know what's wrong? And she just sat there. She goes they want to help you but they don't even know what's wrong. And you're afraid that it's Alzheimer's and you need meds. But it could be your blood sugar, it could be this, it could be that it could be another med you're taking. It might not be a problem at all, right, but at least it could be ruled out Exactly. And she just sat there really quiet and said well, I hadn't thought of all those things.

Speaker 1:

Ah, so the fear took over and the walls went up.

Speaker 2:

And as soon as the family member came, it was done for. There was no conversation happening because they're all trying to force me.

Speaker 1:

Other party came in.

Speaker 2:

There was an opening to change.

Speaker 1:

Well, nice that she would listen to the third person, because sometimes that's not an option.

Speaker 2:

It depends on how it's approached and if there is an opening.

Speaker 2:

And that's where the mindfulness practice comes in. If you're struggling with a loved one, the first thing I would do is start my own practice and just ask to see what I'm not seeing and then, before I go into the room with them, I would ask if there's an opening, allow me to see it, versus me getting upset and putting my beliefs on them, because that's what keeps shutting down the conversation. So if you become the more mindful person, you can help that loved one Gotcha, because now you're going to see those openings you couldn't see before because you're not butting heads. You're going to open the energy flow between you guys for there to be openings.

Speaker 1:

Interesting.

Speaker 2:

Because you're going to be open to all possibilities in the conversation, not what you just want them to hear or what you think you know Right. Or you think they should do because of A, B and C, so it's a mutual relationship, but you're talking about somebody who's frustrated in where they're at. Okay.

Speaker 1:

Okay, I like that. I think that's really good advice. I like that.

Speaker 2:

You can't always fix the problem? No, Because I've been in situations that you can't, but there are a lot of them that they're just like this woman. If it just comes from a different way, it can happen. There was a little there was an opening Right.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I've also seen the part where the family members only go the alternative route because they don't like the meds for the memory issues and the family doesn't understand that care. So the more they push them toward the Western model, the more they push toward the other model. And then the dialogue. Really, I mean I had you know people. I knew that it got so bad that she wasn't getting any of the care she needed and it got really, really bad. And for me I had ended up sending the husband to an alternative practitioner and said look, I don't care how you treat her at this point, but refer her to a neurologist so he can at least get the support he needs to care for her. And that alternative practitioner decided to treat her herself and didn't feel she needed the neurologist. So it got worse and worse.

Speaker 2:

And the family was really upset and it just got really bad where there was no opening.

Speaker 2:

Now, if I talk to the family members they see it very differently, but when it was happening, the train just kept going and it just gets so overwhelming, because fear drives a lot of things, drives a lot of us, and they just were pushing so hard because they didn't like what was happening, that they kept shutting the dialogue down for there to be any openings. And this time, when the third party came in, they chose to go a different path. Okay, and you can't always depend on that.

Speaker 2:

You're hoping the third party is going to come in and be objective, but people have their own agendas, true? So that one threw that one in the wrong direction. Oh dear. So again, when you're faced with anything like that, do your own practice.

Speaker 2:

Show me what I need to see, kind of like what we do with your own body as well, if there's any openings and truly mean it and if you meditate on that once a day and then, before you go in the situation with a loved one, ask to be shown the openings and take a nice cleansing breath and try to keep your mouth shut and just observe.

Speaker 1:

I was going to say, I literally was going to say, kind of think in a roll of tape.

Speaker 2:

Because the minute you start engaging, you lose your focus and the opening goes.

Speaker 1:

You're not sitting back and you're not observing and listening. That word you keep using with us, listen Right.

Speaker 2:

Another one I have is a client was telling me the other day how her husband's starting to fail and the son doesn't like it and he's just really upset with his dad when he can't figure things out, because he's supposed to be able to, because he's dad right, because he doesn't like the situation. But the daughter is being really compassionate with the dad and understanding that the dad's starting to fail and she's stuck between the middle, trying to get them both to see that he's not as bad as he she thinks and he's not as good as he thinks.

Speaker 2:

Right, Wow so again it's just people have to start taking a step back because the emotions overtake and then you lose perspective on what's really going on because of fear and you not wanting the situation to be.

Speaker 1:

Well, and also manufacturing stories in your head that make you feel better, but it's obliterating what's really going on. Right Same thing again, you know, yeah.

Speaker 2:

And on that same same line I had another one where the wife would get so upset. I mean she'd come see me and she was just mad at him because he couldn't figure out how to put the chicken in the oven or whatever. And I looked at her and I go, you do realize it's not his fault. And the more I talked to her I realized she didn't have a support system. So I asked her, I said, do your children know? And she goes no, and I go why?

Speaker 1:

why not?

Speaker 2:

he asked her I said do your children know? And she goes no, why not? Why not? He asked?

Speaker 1:

her not to tell them. Okay, but that's a punishment on her per se.

Speaker 2:

She didn't see it that way at first, but it is.

Speaker 2:

But she didn't see it that way. She was respecting his wishes and I said, with all due respect, what about your wishes? Yeah, you need the support system and you have a right to find your people. He can't stop you from finding your people. His journey is his journey, but yours is also yours, Correct? You can say to him I love you, but I have to do this for me. Yeah, and you know it was bittersweet for her, but she understood and as soon as she had that support system, it started to get easier.

Speaker 1:

Interesting.

Speaker 2:

So there's all these dynamics going on and nobody knows what's going on. You go to the doctor for 15 minutes and they tell you this, and then you're home and you're stuck.

Speaker 1:

What do you do now? What do you do now? Yeah, well, knowing full well, after you know, taking care of family members for 15 years so far and working on another four, I totally, I totally get it everybody. It's not an easy task, but I am liking these suggestions and advice and I'm going to use them in full disclosure. Wow, how timely. Thank you.

Speaker 2:

Who would have thought. Here's another one that came up twice in the last month for me.

Speaker 1:

Wow, this has been a big conversation, hasn't it it?

Speaker 2:

has been just coming in and out so I figured it's time to talk about it. Two different people their friends got very ill and terminal and they didn't tell them.

Speaker 1:

Their friends didn't tell them they were terminal.

Speaker 2:

Oh, and they were very upset with their friends and they were mad when their friends died. And I said to them I said it's not about you, and. And they were mad when their friends died and I said to them I said it's not about you and she goes. Well, that's kind of harsh. And I said but it's not about you, you don't know their state of mind. If they can even handle that they were ill.

Speaker 1:

Well, what if they didn't fully comprehend what was going on?

Speaker 2:

Obviously, they didn't if they didn't go out to all their friends and broadcast it, and they wouldn't allow it to be broadcasted. But we take everything personal and that's where we have to take a step back. So you have to have compassion for that person, saying, wow, it must be so hard that they got diagnosed. It must be so hard. If it were me, how would I feel about it and start to really see how that person deals with life, and then you wouldn't take it personal that they didn't tell me I'm their friend yeah right, good point.

Speaker 1:

They might not have been able to, for whatever reason I mean.

Speaker 2:

I've watched loved ones not deal. I can remember my dad. He would not go see anybody in the hospital. You just don't go see somebody in the hospital, it means they're going to die.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah I remember hearing that it was just the way it was and even if they were going to die, he wouldn't go see him in the hospital, send him flowers, and he was. I'm going to send him flowers and I'm going. Well, how do you think they're going to feel he goes? Nope, they're getting flowers because he couldn't deal with his own emotions.

Speaker 1:

That's all it is.

Speaker 2:

Again, taking it personally and putting it on yourself instead of what's the right thing to do or what would that person need Most of these situations require a mindful practice on the caregiver's part, because they get so overwhelmed because they want things to be the way they think they should and how this person should do things. But this person can only do so much, gotcha. You know, I was in the situation myself and I had to think of the worst case scenario if things didn't play out the way I thought they should. And when I could finally accept the worst case scenario, I could take a step back and say OK, it's going to be what it's going to be. They can only do so much Right, so I can't force it on them. You can't change it.

Speaker 2:

And their, their quality of life to them, even when I think is bad, they thought it was great. Interesting wasn't my quality of life and what I would want for myself? Yeah, but they weren't willing to change a thing about it and they thought everything was just fine. So who am I to force my beliefs on them? Because if they came into my house and tried to do that to me, I would be angry like crazy with them. So I had to come to terms with a lot inside myself that it is what it is and you can support however you can, but you can't fix it.

Speaker 1:

Gotcha.

Speaker 2:

You can't fix it and we can kill ourselves trying to fix it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, wow, yeah, oh, this is. This is a very hard-hitting episode. Goodness gracious, there's so many of us, and not everybody can put their loved one in a nursing home or a care facility. There's not always space or there's not the monetary. I mean, there's a lot of reasons and so goodness.

Speaker 2:

The next one has come up many, many times when they are terminal and they say they're ready to go, and they don't go. Why aren't they going? Why are they still here? They want to go and they say they're ready.

Speaker 1:

Unfinished business or you're hanging on to them. There's guilt.

Speaker 2:

What if I tell you to die how?

Speaker 1:

are you going?

Speaker 2:

to die. How am I going to die? Well, you're telling them they should know, because they say they're ready. Well, you can't See what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, we think they should know because they say they're ready. Yeah, but where's the door? How do?

Speaker 1:

you open the door? Yeah, how do you know you're ready? Where was that form you filled out that said this is how you know when you're ready.

Speaker 2:

Sign here. You don't know how many times that has come up. Why are they still here that many?

Speaker 1:

Really.

Speaker 2:

They keep saying they're ready. Why are they still here? Why haven't they gone yet? And it all goes back to the mindfulness practice of knowing yourself and feeling that energy and knowing what you feel like. So when you are ready to go, you'll feel that energetic pull and you'll go. But if you've never felt it before, you wouldn't know what it was. You're just going to wait for something to happen, but you don't know what that something is.

Speaker 1:

Gotcha.

Speaker 2:

I find the people that are the strongest in who they are, that don't fall prey to society and quick fixes and know their truth and have always guided themselves by intuition in life, have no issues Because they just know. Because, just like they knew that that was the right spouse for them, or they just knew that, that because they've listened their whole lives, so they just know.

Speaker 1:

They've always been mindful. They've always been.

Speaker 2:

You don't need my mindful practice to do it. Some people just are strong in who they are.

Speaker 2:

Hmm, boy, this just gets more fascinating, so I ask people well, why do you think they should know? Where do you think they're going to go? How are they going to go there? You know, in my first my book, the Missing Piece to Health and Age, I tell a story about a man who was doing that exact thing. His mother kept saying I'm ready, and she was in her late 90s. And he goes, she just won't die. And she's so angry, she's here and everything else. I said why don't you ask her what she thinks it means to die? Do you ask her how she thinks she can die? One day he took her home for thanksgiving and it's in my book and she started doing it in the car again and finally he asked her all those questions. She had thanksgiving dinner and he got in the car with her on the way home and she died in the back seat.

Speaker 2:

oh, really because he asked the questions, because it made her think and it yeah, so it must have opened some doors that she could feel and sense stuff that she didn't know was there.

Speaker 1:

Wow, that's a.

Speaker 2:

And it opened him up too, because he's just mad at her because she kept saying she wanted to die and she didn't want to be here anymore, but she wouldn't die. What is she waiting for? She doesn't know, holy cow.

Speaker 1:

She doesn't know. She doesn't know Where's that book.

Speaker 2:

How to Die? Yeah, nobody knows. But, like I said, the ones that are the strongest in who they are and have made peace with themselves usually go the easiest.

Speaker 1:

Interesting, yeah, interesting Because they've always guided themselves that way, not always looking to that other person for the advice or the how-to, or being able to answer those questions yourself, which is what your shows are all about, the more you guide yourself from inward, the more that stuff becomes easier, in the end, interesting, and you know when to stop your treatments.

Speaker 2:

You know how to support yourself and you're when to stop your treatments. You know how to support yourself. Yeah, and you're not alone when to ask for help and your loved ones can come forward and be with you and all those things, but that's a whole nother show, yeah.

Speaker 1:

That is another show this is another one. Oh my goodness, I am so shocked at the amount of oh, it goes on it goes on.

Speaker 2:

This is great. Another one that I found and I've even experienced myself when someone's failing, their short term memory goes but then their long term memory is in there, correct Some of the things that happened as a child, at times that weren't politically correct. Some of these things get blurted out in today's world. We're not very compassionate to that and I've seen people angry with their. I had one woman so angry with her father because of the things he was saying and he was talking about, because she didn't realize he was that bigoted and she was just thought he was a horrible person. And that wasn't the father she knew because he had changed but the memories had come back.

Speaker 1:

He had gone back to that.

Speaker 2:

I saw a similar thing happen with my dad and he was saying some things and my niece was not okay with it because she's black, but he didn't know. He was saying it because he didn't feel that way anymore. But it was etched at a moment in time and we have to again. If, with a good mindful practice, you would know that you wouldn't take offense to it and start labeling that.

Speaker 1:

That's not what they think right now. Yeah, gotcha, yeah, gotcha, yeah, interesting. Or they latch on to. I've noticed with different family members and friends that are taking care of the elderly parents and family members that they're often triggered by things that happen on the TV and that gets them going. As well, it can, it can, yeah that they've said I have to change the channel because they get so angry with what's going on, and or then they go back to that time where that long-term memory is and they blurt things out.

Speaker 2:

And that's why we call it guiding the journey, because you're there to just guide where they're at, where their life was and what it's become and how they're going to end, not there to fix them or change them, right.

Speaker 1:

Just make the journey a little less bumpy.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, because we want to fix it. We want them to do what we want them to do. You know, I have another friend who's her in-laws right now. They're not letting help in, they're not letting anything and they keep trying and they keep putting it up but nobody said to them do you feel like things are hard? What would make like that first one? What would make it easier for you? What are you willing to do versus what we're asking you to do?

Speaker 1:

Gotcha.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's a big deal.

Speaker 1:

Questions we want to be asked, but we don't ask them.

Speaker 2:

The last one's the hardest one. Okay, estate planning and things like that. Oof yeah, where the kids don't want to hear it, the parents are trying to tell them I did this, I did this. It's in this place. Oh, we don't want to talk about death, we can't handle death, or the parents won't do it. Won't do it, mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:

Hope that you can take care of stuff. So if you're the one, supporting the elderly.

Speaker 2:

You need to have your mindful practice in check so you can see they really need to tell you they want you to know. Yep, they want you to know what they've done, so you'll be okay to handle things.

Speaker 1:

Right.

Speaker 2:

If there are people that won't handle it again the mindful practice, because you have to sit and ask to see what you need to see of what's stopping them, and it's usually a fear of death and not wanting to talk about it, right, right. So how do you open that door is what you have to ask to see, and sometimes it might be just all of a sudden. You took them out to lunch and there was an opening for a conversation that you didn't renew existed because you've opened the energy lines for that to happen.

Speaker 2:

It's not always sitting in the house, sitting at the table and saying, OK, we're going to talk about this and just make sure in any of these situations, if you're going to bring up these topics, that you already know some of the things they can do. Don't go in there and say well, now we've got to figure it out because they're just going to shut down, right, you know, if you are interested, I know somebody who could do this or, if you're interested, I know that this is the way my friend did it, or yeah, what do you think?

Speaker 2:

Because they need something to hold on to other than we got to do this, gotcha, wow.

Speaker 1:

But a mindful practice can mitigate a lot of this for the caregiver, which is an education we all need. Yeah, that we need to practice in order to be able to facilitate this, wow yes. Yes, ooh, this has been a really hard subject.

Speaker 2:

It is a hard subject but it's a necessary subject. I mean, I've been through it and it didn't go well for me because of my situation. But I've been through it on another end with my in-laws and that was a wonderful situation because they were different people.

Speaker 1:

So and I've seen people.

Speaker 2:

I've seen both sides. I see people suffer a lot. I see people not supporting each other because they just want the other one to do what they want them to do one way or the other and that's not the way it goes well, like I said, I don't want anybody coming in my house telling me what to do. No, no.

Speaker 1:

Don't like that either.

Speaker 2:

What do they need specifically? Not what you want them to have.

Speaker 1:

So tell your followers, our followers Awakenwellnesslife life, life.

Speaker 2:

It's up and running, so it's getting more information on it all the time and is there a tab or where could they find a little bit of this information?

Speaker 1:

I haven't put that out there yet, but well then, as soon as the show comes out, I will.

Speaker 2:

And I did start making a section of topics like because I'm gonna do another one on acupuncture. We did chiropractor, so I'm gonna make an actual specific nice, certain things good, so stay tuned.

Speaker 1:

I'm excited for this. I did pop on to I forget what I popped on to, but I signed up for something. I finally was able to find the time and I really liked the website.

Speaker 1:

I found it easy on the eye. I found it not challenging, because there's nothing worse than going to a website and you're like, what do I do, what do I do, where do I go? And it just flowed. So, kudos, I liked it very much. Thank you, all right. Well, thank you, and I hope you join us again for the next show and enjoy mindful wellness. Be mindful and ask to see what you need to see and what you need to know. Have a great day.

Speaker 2:

Thank you.