Before You Cut Bangs
Hosted by Laura Quick and Claire Fierman, “Before You Cut Bangs” is full of hilarious conversations about real life, common and uncommon crises, and possible cosmetic errors that come along with it. Through storytelling and therapeutic wisdom, Claire and Laura share how to NOT fuck up your hair (and life) while walking through similar situations,
Produced by Will Lochamy
Before You Cut Bangs
23. ADHD: Myths, Strategies, and Our Personal Stories
ADHD isn't just a buzzword; it’s a complex condition that can impact every aspect of life. Have you ever wondered how ADHD truly affects daily functioning and what it takes to get an accurate diagnosis? Our stories not only highlight the myths surrounding ADHD, but also the emotional validation that comes with a diagnosis, offering a supportive perspective that breaks down stereotypes and misconceptions.
Welcome to, before you Cut Bangs. I'm Laura Quick and I'm Claire Fehrman. I am a professional storyteller and I'm currently working on my first book.
Speaker 2:I have worked in mental health for many years in lots of capacities and this is a really important time to tell you our big disclaimer this is not therapy. We are not your therapists or coaches or anything like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean you shouldn't really trust us very much at all. Unless you want to and it turns out well, then you can trust us. That's great.
Speaker 2:I got influenced by those wicky pads for anxious dogs.
Speaker 1:Are they so great?
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:What are they?
Speaker 2:They are like suction cup mats you spread peanut butter in and you can freeze it to last longer, oh yeah. They are huge fans.
Speaker 3:Okay, I was just thinking I need to buy another conk or whatever those things are.
Speaker 2:Yeah, conk, child's play compared to this Really yes. Get two of them for like $10. On Amazon.
Speaker 1:Get two of them for like $10. On Amazon. Send us a link. We'd love to be influenced.
Speaker 2:Okay, why don't you intro us? Okay, I can do that.
Speaker 1:We have had so many requests over the last almost year around ADHD, because we feel like it is commonplace, or maybe our listeners just are prone to it.
Speaker 1:Maybe that's why y'all are attracted to us because we are also ADHD, but we're really excited to be diving into this. I think that what we want to do is kind of define what ADHD is and then we're going to talk about real-life scenarios and maybe even some tools today. But the reason we're doing this is it is one of the most requested topics that we've had since we started.
Speaker 2:And three for three of us have had a diagnosis.
Speaker 1:Yes, and the reason we haven't got to it in almost a year is because we have ADHD. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I am not an expert in this. In my practice, like, I have clients with ADHD and I can help them, but they're absolutely therapists and psychiatrists that specialize in it, and so I just dug in and did my research to make sure I can appropriately talk about it, because it's such a nuanced diagnosis where it manifests so differently. I mean there might be common threads but, like I think the three of us, it even manifests differently 100.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about that nuance like what does it mean? Why is it nuanced, claire? Why is this different than other things, like last time we talked about embarrassment. What's different between ADHD and other topics we've covered?
Speaker 2:so I'm going to start with something we asked for listeners to write in questions and, instead of going straight to questions, someone said a statement that I think is just, or sent a statement that is such a great way to preface all of this. It feels like everyone says oh, my ADHD brain, blah, blah, blah. But when it actually interferes with day to day functioning and my ability to do simple tasks, it's frustrating and it's annoying to hear other people say that they actually have to be.
Speaker 3:Maybe some over-diagnosing that's gone on in the last four or five years, or at least that I've been aware of, a lot of times can be frustrating, Like hmm, Mickey, what Do ya? Do ya? Because I feel like the struggle is so real, so much, and a lot of times like uh-huh, I don't know. Of course it's not for me to judge, I'm just saying I feel exactly what this person is saying.
Speaker 2:I thought that was so profound. It's so true and I think we have. I will say that in my practice, I've seen so much more self-diagnosis, not just of ADHD but of other things, because of TikTok and Instagram, where everyone seems to feel like they have a diagnosis, and that's just not true. A lot of diagnoses are relatable. We are humans that have quirks and flaws and deficits, and that doesn't mean you have to have a diagnosis. When we can have a diagnosis, it's like oh gosh, I knew I was this way and this validates me, or it can be in place of an excuse. But what this listener is saying is what's happening is the people with the true diagnosis are getting invalidated and frustrated.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I would say that goes back to understanding that you can relate to a symptom of a diagnosis and not be diagnosable. And so, if we remember, we talked about narcissism and how you could show up in an unhealthy way and have a symptom of narcissism but not be a narcissist, and I think that obviously, narcissism and ADHD are not related in any way necessarily. It is still the truth that there we may be talking about things today and you may deeply relate to that, but that doesn't necessarily mean you are ADHD. I certainly like for me, I literally. I certainly like for me, I literally. It's so bad Sometimes it all like won't go pee Legit.
Speaker 2:That's a very common one.
Speaker 1:I know I've been that way my whole life.
Speaker 3:I don't know, if I have that one.
Speaker 2:Oh, I do. It's this thought of that. Going to the bathroom is almost like a reward.
Speaker 1:Like if I finish these tasks I'll go to the bathroom, or if I don't go to, I might miss something.
Speaker 2:I'll go to the bathroom, or if I don't go to, I might miss something if I go to the bathroom and so I'll stay. Okay, fomo, adhd okay. Um, so I'm definitely going to go through criteria and the difference in ADHD and ADD, and if I'm just like only clinically focused, y'all just wave a flag, yes.
Speaker 2:Or if you're like, oh wait, I did something silly, y'all just tell me okay, so, just like with narcissism, you have to meet x amount of criteria. How many? You have to meet six, okay, okay, but it's segmented. So if you're the inattentive type, you have to have six out of nine. I'm not going to read through nine because y'all like fall asleep at the wheel. But often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork. Has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or activities, doesn't listen when spoken to directly, not following through. Difficulty organizing tasks, avoid things that you dislike or reluctantly take on tasks that you dislike or take on sustained mental effort. Often loses things, is often easily distracted and is often forgetful in daily life. So you would have to have six of these and not, just, like I, occasionally lose my keys. It would be so persistent and cause issue in your life. What are you smiling at?
Speaker 3:About how I'm currently thinking about three other things and listening to you and I was like, oh, this is great.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Also, I'm just like I'm in my bio on my Instagram. It says like CEO of Good Grip Magazine and agency. Also normally can't find my keys, Like when I tell you I drive my car. Sometimes I'm like, well, at least I know they're in here. It's cranking.
Speaker 3:That happens most of the time when I'm driving, literally I'm like they're here, they're here, they're in here somewhere. Air tags are we getting old air tags, you know?
Speaker 2:what's funny is I was given one and it's in my jewelry drawer because, like that's what I do, I'm like this would be so helpful. One time a therapist told me that before I put my keys down. So this is when I had a regular key like we used to. They were like so before you put your keys down, jump three times and then put the keys in like a special place, and I was like, if you think I'm gonna remember the part to jump three times, you're crazy, crazy, did you do it? No, but do you know how much I would have loved to watch you jump three times while you're putting your keys down somewhere.
Speaker 1:I love that therapist. Did you do it? No, but do you know how much I would have loved to watch you jump three times while you're putting your keys down somewhere? I love that therapist. Did you fire that therapist?
Speaker 2:yeah, because that gave me another task before the other task that I already wasn't doing, and I just one time. Oh my gosh, I put my keys on the tailgate of my ex-husband's car and he drove to work. I lived in will's neighborhood at the time and he drove like 10 plus miles to where he was going. I looked for those keys all damn day and then a vision appeared and I was like they're on the back of the car. They were still there.
Speaker 3:Wow.
Speaker 1:That's a Christmas miracle. It really was. That is a Christmas miracle Of those I just read.
Speaker 2:those are more inattentive symptoms, which is probably what a lot of us are talking about when we think I'm just so ADHD. But then there's more hyperactive symptoms that, like you, still have to have six of these. I'm going to go quick Fidgeting, leaving seats in situations when you're expected to remain in your seat Y'all. I can't stay in a conference to save my life. Often runs about or climbs. Often unable to play or engage in leisure activities. Well, often on the go or acting as if driven by a motor. Talks excessively. Blurts this one just makes you want to crawl under a table. Blurts out an answer before a question has been completed. Bobby, I'm looking at you, buddy. Often has difficulty waiting their turn. Often interrupts or intrudes on others. So those are 18 symptoms that you would have to have a major portion of. There's levels of like severity which we're not going to go through. I mean Google it. But those are basic diagnostic criteria.
Speaker 1:I'm literally just sitting here thinking about not only like my own scenarios. I went and talked to a class one day and I was so deeply triggered by this one little girl who, like was like raising her hand but like being like so intense about it. I was like and Shelly was with me, my best friend, and I was like god, that little girl was triggering me so bad and she's like you are that little girl, you're her. That's why I was triggering you, because that's who you are. And I was like never.
Speaker 1:And then also the other thing that just stuck out so for Clay's 21st birthday we had a our house and, as a family tradition, we go around the table and we're like tell us your favorite Clay story. You know, whatever and legitimately one of the stories that someone shared like the day they met Clay one, he was walking out of Grammys, which is like a record store in Nashville Grammys, and he was barefoot and eating a half a watermelon, barefoot, eating a half a watermelon, and the girl's like who is his girlfriend? Now? She was like I just screamed and was like that looks good. And he was like you want the other half. He gives her the other half, invites her to a juke joint that night. They go out dancing In the middle of dancing. Clay looks at her and he goes I got to climb something and she goes what? And she's like. And then we went outside and he climbed the Chick-fil-A across the street and we danced up there. I'm like I've passed this to him because I also enjoy adventure at a weird level.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I certainly, and this is not. This isn't negative at all, but I think you and Clay kind of embody the H in ADHD.
Speaker 1:Oh, 100%, 100%. Yes, I'm the hyper, I was the girl that. I'm not kidding every. Not that I'm proud of this and not that I suggest this as your parenting tactics, but when I was in first grade, every day I either got a dollar off the refrigerator or a spanking for talking too much and being a social butterfly Like legitimately. I very rarely got a dollar. If we're just being honest, like every day of first grade spankings, I hate that. Well, me too. That's don't do that to your children, obviously that's our tool.
Speaker 1:Don't do that, but I was. They would call me the daydreamer. They're like oh, she's just always off in her own land. And now I'm like hey, look at me, now I get paid to daydreamer. They're like oh, she's just always off in her own land. And now I'm like hey, look at me, now I get paid to daydream for people so fuck all the way off.
Speaker 2:So a little clinical quirk about what you're talking about with clay that like I have to climb or whatever. There's a theory and this is a newer theory about our dopamine is working differently or poorly. Okay, so dopamine is like that pleasure pathway thing. It feels good I have, we've got like the. I want to be a pilot skydiver in here like Chick-fil-A climber. So like we want in ADHD. We want to feel the same dopamine rush that other people feel like they load the dishwasher and they're like man, good job, and they move on to the next task. Like nothing for me.
Speaker 1:Oh listen, the cabinets that remain open in my house when I'm trying to complete any task, like I have to be very intentional yeah, the normal reward system that people have where the brain padding on the back.
Speaker 3:I don't have that right. I need something else to get that pad that's right so.
Speaker 2:So the theory is basically, though, it's like lower dopamine is released, reabsorbed and underutilized, and so we just don't get that like oomph. Other people get from maintaining tasks, like a lot of people don't. My mom can do laundry, unlike anyone I've ever seen. Will already knows this. I have a laundry service coming to get mine. My washer is broken, but like I shouldn't have even had this much, even though the washer's broken, so we just don't get that same like good job, do the next thing. I won't jump ahead to what you do, but if you have good dopamine, basically you're going to have higher levels of cognitive functioning or executive functioning, meaning I can complete a task, I can be somewhere on time.
Speaker 1:Never bring that up. I have been doing really well. I did have a slip up today. Okay, I have been better. I'm in recovery. I'm not perfect, guys, okay.
Speaker 2:Okay. So I think it's important to hear three different stories of how we got diagnosed. So, laura, you start. How did you find out, besides being spanked or given a dollar? How did you find out, besides being spanked or given a dollar?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was in my 20s and really kept hitting the same wall of like. I just felt like something was off, so my concentration was crazy and whatever. So I went to a doctor and was tested and diagnosed and then was given a prescription for Adderall and thought this is going to be the magic because obviously through college and just knowing people people used abused Adderderall I'd never done that. I was just afraid I would become an addict, honestly, so I I never even smoked weed until I was in my mid-20s. And so I finally got the diagnosis, then started taking Adderall and realized that on Adderall I became a superior human being, obviously to everyone, and so really became a huge bitch. And so I stopped taking it because I didn't like who I was on it and have since then only have tools, no drugs to help me.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so I was well in school. I would always like test really well and then not perform well, so I wasn't completing my task, I wasn't doing homework, you know, in class Like I wasn't always getting everything done. But then I was in like the enrichment program. It was called RLC back then, but like you know, you were a gifted child.
Speaker 3:Right. So in test, like I, you know, scored way too high on a placement test in college and it just made me flunk out, basically because there was no way that I could like actually perform, yeah, perform and meet those standards.
Speaker 3:So my mom from a pretty early well, maybe like middle school was like we need to see a doctor, we need to have you see a doctor. And I just refused. I was like no, I don't want to, I don't want to. And so eventually, when it really came down to like hey, you're going to have to make and I wasn't making like terrible grades, but like bc student, right, um, and so 10th grade, maybe 11th grade, she had me go see a psychiatrist and it was like, yeah, textbook, you know. And so adderall, same deal. And it just went, bam, immediately to straight a's. I just could read. All of a sudden I can read, but I have trouble reading because I read a paragraph or a 38 more thoughts popping up.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean I can read a whole chapter and not know what I read. But then all of a sudden, yeah, school was just easy, but I did not like Adderall and so I would just take it. In the morning it was great because it would wear off. By the time, you know, eight hours I was getting out of school and that was fine. But then in college I didn't like it because you know like you're not in class all day, you go to a class and then you have three hours off and you go to another class, and so I didn't like being on it.
Speaker 1:I kind of felt like I was like a different person, like I wasn't even the same human and I was. I was so frustrated with how it was showing up with other people and I was like, gosh, if this version of me is inside of me and is coming out like, I just don't like her at all. And so I was like, nah, I'm done but wait, there's more oh so then.
Speaker 3:So I didn't, you know. I went on like for one weekend I went to play some shows somewhere and came back and someone had stolen all of my Adderall. I was like, whatever, I, I'm just not going to take any more of them, that's fine. And so, of course, then I left college, like months later, and so then, maybe 10, 12 years ago, 13 years ago, I realized like oh, I'm not going to succeed as a, as an adult, if I don't like get this under control.
Speaker 3:And so went back to a a doctor, talked more about it and then got back on a schedule and have been steadily on a schedule ever since and it is like my world. I mean, it just makes me able to function and have a job and do all the things that we're supposed to do.
Speaker 1:Successfully as adults.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and really quickly on the people using it as a party drug and whatever. I am under the impression from my psychiatrist and people that what it's doing to people that don't need it is a little bit different than what it's doing to us, right, because of the different dopamine levels that we're getting.
Speaker 2:Where we might feel more relaxed and able to function. Normalized they're going to have increased heart rate, like really high energy Stay up and it's like, can I take this, so then I can drink more, or whatever or study all night.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like literally, that's how my friends were using it.
Speaker 2:Does not do that would need a stimulant would likely just still be able to go to bed and that doesn't mean I want to be really clear. I can't take a stimulant because it doesn't work with me and I also couldn't go to bed. But there are other things. So everyone listening like not everybody is going to function on a stimulant stimulants don't work for me.
Speaker 1:Either it was well or that I just don't like how I interact with them.
Speaker 2:It's really, it's a lot and that's why I was saying like there's levels of severity, there's nuanced types, like a more hyperactive person is probably going to be able to take a nap after taking Adderall.
Speaker 2:And there's a lot of pieces of this. Okay, so my little ADHD story was so eye opening so I did not get diagnosed until my I guess I was 33 or 34 years old and it was out of personal frustration, like everything felt overwhelming. I always felt behind, but I thought moms just felt that way. That's not true. Like, yes, being a mom's overwhelming, being a single mom's hard, like all of that was true, but it felt like I couldn't keep up unless I really liked something. So that was like the big differentiator, like how could I hyper focus? I can read a book. I can sit down and read a whole one and not do anything else. So it was like why can I hyperfocus? Why am I not feeling normal, I guess? So I did a massive assessment so I'm getting these like clues.
Speaker 2:And then I heard about the term masking, and masking is primarily in girls. So like where your mom was like OK, something's off, girls will typically hold it in in a different way because of like social stigma. Like I knew to stand quietly in line because fear can also monitor ADHD. I hated being in trouble, so I would mask all day and be exhausted and like think elementary school, junior high, of like behave, behave, behave. So looking back, I'm like gosh, I just had to like hold on so tight.
Speaker 2:I had okay grades, like fine grades. I mean I made it all the way through a master's program unmedicated, totally fine. But when I tell you, is it was exhausting and a struggle and I would look around and be like how can these other girls just sit down and do the thing? Like I was so envious and thought something was wrong with me. So I took this assessment online, not like a free quiz, like I paid several hundred dollars. I was like I want to know and then a psychiatrist reviews it. And then I took that to a psychiatrist and I was like like help me understand this. He read it and was like you're like off the charts and it was so validating because at the time this I'm so ADHD thing on social media is already picking up. I feel so different and it was hugely relieving.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, not finishing is probably one of the things that was like the most devastating to feel like you never actually get anything across the finish line, unless I loved it. If I loved, it could do it like a rock star I mean, I am coming in there like an expert making it rain but when it came to the things that were harder and let me tell you, as a business owner, do you know how much stuff I have to do that I don't like so much stuff. So much stuff that's not enjoyable to me still has to be done for the benefit of my entire team. They're relying on me, my investors relying on me, and so I resonate deeply with what you're talking about. Just like this, like looking at other people and being like like why is this so hard for me versus it seems so simple for everyone else yeah, and that's the thing.
Speaker 3:like it is validating to me to know, like, hey, I have this thing, and whatever my doctors talk to me about it, but still I find frustration, maybe when other people around me don't understand, like still still are like why aren't you doing this? Do this right, this is easy.
Speaker 1:Or they try to give you like a life hack, like hey, here's a life hack, and you're like okay, cool, thank you.
Speaker 2:Jump three times and then you're not going to lose your keys.
Speaker 1:Yes, or, you know, like a life hack that totally works for one person who has ADHD. It may not, because I think my chemistry, being different, is still going to be different than Claire's or Will's.
Speaker 2:This is like a total, like granola girl thought Love it. But something that I have battled with is people say there's been a huge increase in ADHD diagnoses. That is actually true, but I've often wondered if and I don't know the stats, maybe you can find them what if we compared us to a more relaxed country like Finland? They seem relaxed.
Speaker 2:Or Italy, or Italy, I can almost guarantee their rates are lower. So the part of me that feels sad for me as a little girl that got totally missed with this is also like what if, culturally, we're just so demanding? Missed with this is also like what if, culturally we're just so demanding? So then adhd manifests so you like can meet the standards right. So like I imagine, like if I lived in the woods and was happy, just living in the woods would, and I had a little goat farm, which is my dream, I know. Or and soap yeah, I want to make goat soap and goat cheese and goat milk.
Speaker 1:She told me this literally first lunch. She's like my dream is. I was like, okay, well, I don't know if we're going to be friends. That isn't necessarily. Look at us now.
Speaker 2:Look at us now All I want to do is be a goat farmer. So I have wondered like what if I was just doing exactly what I want and I didn't have all this outside pressure to make sure that I had the best health insurance, which is an issue today for me would I feel as disappointed about this? Would I feel.
Speaker 2:You know, it was like when the Rockefellers were a big family, like they set the course for American education and how it was going to be to produce high functioning people. So part of my and I don't want to skip ahead to remedies, but part of my, like healing around ADHD is my standards of functioning also had to change.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would say the same. You know, one of the things that I was joking about before we went on was my family did not believe in things like this, Like they didn't want the shame of someone in our family being diagnosed with a learning disability or autism or whatever the case may be, and so it wasn't even an option, even though there were symptoms. I was getting a letter every day. Y'all in first grade, Like there was a teacher instead of waving the flag like, hey, I think she has some attention issues. Let's get her to the counselor. It was. She knew I was getting a spanking every day. My dad told her like this is the commitment I'm going to whip her ass when she comes home with this. And that's true. That happened, and I've spent lots of money on therapy since then.
Speaker 2:Looking at you, dad, thanks for that fucking me over well, that actually is an excellent bridge to myths around adhd. So a big one is that people think it's lack of discipline huge, or you're fucking lazy yes, which anyone who knows all three of us would know.
Speaker 1:There's no laziness at this table, for sure, not to say we don't like a good nap, but from a laziness perspective, that is not what's happening Actually. Well, for sure it's not what's happening for me. I can barely sit down. I'm like, oh, another thing, another thing, another thing, another thing. Let's start this, let's do this, yes.
Speaker 2:Instead, if I'm trying to be lazy, in my head I'm like you're a piece of shit.
Speaker 1:Yes, Go change your laundry, same why you need to load the dishwasher now. You can't wait. You need to do that right now.
Speaker 2:Selfishness. I think I'm not sure if that's on your list here, but I definitely see that. Yeah. Yeah, adhd affects only children is a popular myth. I hadn't heard that one, but I guess it used to be a primarily child diagnosis and then we finally got the freedom to know grownups could have it too. Here's our number one. Everyone has a little ADHD, and I love the little blurb. This misconception trivializes the challenges faced by individuals with clinically significant ADHD symptoms. Everyone turn on your listening ears. While everyone may experience occasional distractibility or restlessness, adhd involves persistent and impairing symptoms that go beyond some variation in your attention or behavior. Another myth medication is the only treatment. Super effective, but might not be for everyone. We're going to talk about some tools and we're going to give you some life hacks, which I know y'all all love. This one breaks my heart. Adhd is a sign of low intelligence. Y'all ADHD people are sometimes the most creative humans I've ever met in my life.
Speaker 1:Yes, I mean, and I know I think we want to do a part two of this, where we talk about superpowers, because there are a lot of really big benefits of the way that maybe your brain is designed. That can really help you, and it's certainly been true for me.
Speaker 2:And then the last one is ADHD is overdiagnosed. So yes, there has been an increase, like we've said, but that doesn't mean it's overly diagnosed. I mean, I think that it's probably a combination of like, is it? Our society demands nature versus nurture, which I am going to get to as well? It might just be finally getting diagnosed in adults, where we just used to look at wild kids and say they were either had a defiance disorder hate that diagnosis, or ADHD or ADD.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think maybe earlier when I was saying that it's like I know a few people that looked up like what they need to say when they go to the doctor so they could get diagnosed and get a prescription and yeah, I was like, was like oh, come on well, and that sucks because like you're.
Speaker 1:You're like man. If you knew how hard it was to live inside of the brain that is actually struggling man. You're like no, because couldn't. Can consuming drugs made for, made for someone with adhd restructure the chemical, like how their brain works, or no? Like I mean, I was told not, but but if you overuse adderall and you don't need it, like there are some effects of that right I feel like I'm not qualified to answer that.
Speaker 2:I don't know. But what I could say is if you're doing anything over and over and over again that does restructure the brain, like that's neuroplasticity. Yes, so if you become used to functioning on a stimulant, that it's going to feel really funky when you're not functioning on a stimulant if it's not needed.
Speaker 1:I mean kind of like doing Coke every night. I mean my friends were like sniffing Adderall. They weren't like. I mean my friends were like sniffing Adderall, they weren't like. I mean I had some great friends, is what I'm saying, but I mean they were truly like chopping it up like it was cocaine and going for it.
Speaker 3:I don't tell this story publicly, but here we go.
Speaker 1:And here we are.
Speaker 3:I tell you, this is like some radio listeners multiple have said. So I started listening to that podcast.
Speaker 1:Wow Learning a lot about you because I say things here that I do not say on the radio, as if it's different, though it is, but it's good. I think that your listeners are getting, like a, to know you in a different way, a special way.
Speaker 3:Yeah yeah, nc-17 way. So yeah, I think that. Um. So, anyway, like pot tried pot you've tried pot.
Speaker 3:Oh my god, you even believe it yeah, but usually you know it, yeah, and it doesn't work for me right at all, like it makes me paranoid and everything that it does the opposite to me of all the good stuff it does to my friends that really love it. So on tour. This is a very long time ago, it's probably 21, 22 he's 27 now this band we were on tour with. I love them still. Keep up with them. Uh, they had cocaine and we were in chapel hill, north carolina, you're saying a band had cocaine, can you?
Speaker 3:yeah, I can't even imagine shocking is they were like uh, here you can try some cocaine. I was like no, I can't do that because pot, which is like a flower, I was like it makes me insane, so this like a hardcore drug would make me just go through the roof totally and they're like I don't know, just whatever. Maybe you should try it. So I did and was just like a little nap yeah, basically I was like oh wait a minute, this just makes me feel normal yeah and good and I can go to bed.
Speaker 1:Scary when cocaine. When cocaine becomes your like God, I feel great.
Speaker 3:So luckily I guess I don't have to. I was like able to recognize like, oh well, I shouldn't do that, because that just made me feel good and normal.
Speaker 1:You are just so, not a drug addict. Yeah, I was going to say.
Speaker 3:But I was able to go to sleep that night and I just remember thinking like I thought I was supposed to be up all night.
Speaker 1:What's going on here?
Speaker 3:just felt normal cocaine and it and for listeners.
Speaker 1:I hope you all heard that, so for me makes will feel normal?
Speaker 3:it absolutely does. Cocaine is not the not a hell of a drug for me.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, never done cocaine. Everybody lists their own superpower. What has? What's the gift that adhd has given? You will well, adventure.
Speaker 3:And I mean this because, like from a very young age, I started skydiving when I was 16, like on my 16th birthday which is illegal now, by the way you can't do it now, but all like the motorcycle trips, all the fun stuff in my life is because I go after that, not even consciously, but I'm just subconsciously going after that extra something to give me the pat on the back. And so I have this incredibly interesting life with these really unbelievable stories, and it's all because of this, it's all because I'm just going and I will obsess over things like skydiving or flight or how.
Speaker 1:The unicycle.
Speaker 3:Well, that's not super exciting.
Speaker 1:I like to bring it up, Because you were like was I just did it until I could prove I did?
Speaker 3:I could do it I just, yeah, I do want to learn like everything.
Speaker 1:That's that one, that's what that was, hey and, by the way, that's a superpower wanting to learn, being curious, that is something. Now, you're only curious about the things you're curious about typically, but just being curious in general is a superpower these days. It doesn't matter if it is only in a lane or a couple of lanes. I think it's a big deal. It's what makes you a great interviewer.
Speaker 3:I mean the thing with interviewing. You know I can't write down questions and stuff, it just has to be natural. Let's just have a conversation. But like helicopters I don't know where that came, but just like I was like how does that work? And so I had to learn everything about them and then learn to fly one, and now I haven't flown one in years. It's like I learned to fly it. I flew one across the country and yeah.
Speaker 2:My list of hobbies is extensive, but do you have a thing where I have to have the best of that thing, so, like, if I get into something I have to go all in, which is how I have four ukuleles now? Like I can't just like dabble? I'm not a dabbler, all right, but what's your superpower? Okay, my superpower, I would say, is two. I think that ADHD has helped me be just a really adaptable person, like can be super flexible and like roll with stuff. I'm not a rigid person. Slash more creative, like that is creative, maybe in my business or crafts, or how to make something fun, like I'm here for a good time.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, good times.
Speaker 1:Love a good time, strictly actually.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's the thing.
Speaker 3:If yeah, if I don't, if it's not a good time to me I'm talking about something I'm studying or anything. If it's not a good time to me, it's not gonna get done. I'm not gonna do it yeah, I feel okay.
Speaker 1:So my superpower, I would say truly like going back to that, the first grade version of me that I felt like oh, poor little laura, but like actually the full circle thing, is like I grew up and like legitimately get to daydream for my clients. That's a part of what I do is helping understand what their dreams are and then bringing a strategy, a creative strategy, to life for them. That thing that was getting me in trouble in first grade is now the thing that allows me to. Not only do I get to make money, but people get to be gainfully employed and go after those same things. And most of my team would say that. I think actually several of my team members are ADHD and they're high creatives. You know they are. They've pursued creative careers, which I think is cool. And I would also agree that flexibility is something like the ability to shift. I mean, when Claire and I do workshops, it's insane that our ability to read a room and actually just keep people engaged and make sure that we're doing something meaningful with them is a superpower.
Speaker 1:It's a superpower to be able to discern and, like, move people into something they're going to have fun with, so that it's a good experience.
Speaker 2:Love a pivot, love a pivot. So let's talk about challenges and strategies, and if you're listening and you're like those aren't my superpowers, you should write us and tell us what yours are. You should, and I have a total of 12 listed, but we'll dive into those in episode two. So more to come on your superpower. We want to be mostly negative today, not all the positive stuff, yes. So before I tell y'all what psychology says about challenges or strategies, I want you to each think like what's your biggest challenge, which you might have already named, and your best coping skill? Like how have you adapted? I don't mind, okay.
Speaker 1:And the clock starts now. Okay, all right. So my biggest challenge was not being able to finish projects, and my biggest tool to do that was to create dopamine hits for myself, like. So I have built systems that allow me to participate in the things that are helpful for getting things over the finish line, specifically for work, because my livelihood and a lot of people's livelihood are tied up with that, and so I removed myself from the finishing part and actually put myself in the seat where I could add the most value. And so, while it is good and it was really hard because, like, if you're at the beginning or, let's say, you have a startup, that might not be an option for you, so I'm thankful but it took a really long time to even be able to build that machine to do that, and so I focus on strategy, creative and implementation, but then I pass the ball to actually take something all the way to fruition.
Speaker 2:What about personal, not professional?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and for personal, I mean, I run my whole life on routine. If I am not in a healthy routine then I am spiraling and I am typically feeling like I'm failing all the time. Now, just getting the neuropathways in my brain built up enough was so hard to even learn how to live inside of a routine. But now if by noon I'm like damn my whole life, like today's a great example. I did not start my day the way I was supposed to today and therefore I was. I didn't look at my phone, I forgot certain things and I was 20 minutes late getting here. So I can point back to did I do the things that work for me? And if I did, I had a great day, and if I don't, falling apart.
Speaker 2:Two-time.
Speaker 3:Yeah, what was the original question? I know my answer.
Speaker 1:Struggle and tools Tool.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so the struggle is everyday, mundane tasks that are necessary, stuff we have to do, stuff I need to do for work or just personal. But getting that stuff done is really that's the problem. So the fix has been to delegate time, like short periods of time, like all right, I'm going to do that thing from 3 to 3, 15, and that's the time limit, and I'm going to get it all done then and boom, then I can move on to something that's rewarding to me that's good.
Speaker 2:What about you? Okay, gosh, there are quite a few that get in my way.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, I just named one. There's a bunch, I'm sure.
Speaker 2:So many, I'm just deciding which one fucks me up the most. Okay, so time is a very elusive concept to people with ADHD. Hi my name's Laura.
Speaker 2:Time is an elusive concept to me, so I am on time, but I'm an, but I overcommit. So I think in my mind I can do this and this and this and this, and then I forget. So I scheduled two calls at the same time today and I just have to like own up when that happens. When the other person is like hey, we are supposed to be on a call, y'all. That's a terrible feeling to have to be like you're so right and that's on me, so double booker or having to be at two places at the same time probably happens to me, maybe not daily, but I would say most monday through friday days, and it sucks. I'm a constant schedule rearranger where I'm like oh yeah, yeah, that sounds good. Oh shit, booked something, let me cancel that and move it somewhere else.
Speaker 2:I am like a blackjack dealer with a schedule.
Speaker 1:I resonate so deeply with that and constantly have myself, like my team, checking on them, Like hey, we're looking at your schedule and it looks like you scheduled 17 meetings tomorrow. Like do you feel like that's reasonable? And I'm always like, yeah, it's gonna be great.
Speaker 2:I got it. Then I end up super thin, you know, and I just or rush, so I don't do well under that rushed pressure. Like a deadline, hell yeah. But like, hurry up and get somewhere or you have to do 17 more things by two o'clock. I will just totally shut down at that point, okay. So what do I do? I would say my biggest ADHD coping skill? I would say two. I have the same morning routine and a half Like, if I don't, I do it on vacation, I do it no matter what and I love it. And then the second coping skill is almost what you said chunking time. So no blocking, yeah, so I will know that I can take 15 minutes to do this thing, y'all.
Speaker 2:This is my favorite tip if you are a bad chore person with ADHD. So I have to stay in the same room until it is done. Because if you're ADHD, you know that you might be mid dishwasher loading and be like oh wait, my kid left her muddy shoes in the back of the car, I should go ahead and get those. It's if you give a mouse a cookie. Then I get to my van and I'm like, oh wait, there's two soccer balls. Did I sign Gus up for soccer. Back to the computer and I've left the dishwasher like maybe open and running, like it doesn't matter, left his bathtub running. That's happened, it's so stressful. So when I'm in a room and I have to do this, I set like a 12 minute timer or some arbitrary number and I am not allowed to step foot out of that room until that timer goes off, that is so powerful.
Speaker 1:I'm going to tuck that away because I don't do that. I'm glad I impacted. No, seriously, because I will tell you that is a real struggle. And one other thing I want to say, because I feel like this is the lie. The lie that an ADHD brain will tell you is routines suck and they're boring, and I don't want to do one.
Speaker 2:I'm not doing it, I'm not doing it.
Speaker 1:It's like a soothing balm to me. But if you can get yourself, if you will give yourself 14 days, if you'll just do something for four which sounds crazy, like there's no way but y'all, in 2017, when I started my morning routine, it transformed my life. The ability to serve my team well, the ability to actually do things at a higher level. It transformed my life. So if you're listening to this and you're like, oh, that's real cute, like I can actually do a damn morning routine I already have overbooked myself 700 times you know like what was the like? When did you start your morning routine? How long ago?
Speaker 2:oh, probably, to be honest. Like well, after my kids were through like newbornish phase, I realized that was not like I would sleep until the last minute, that I had to get them ready for preschool or something. Don't yawn at me, I'm sorry he's passing out I was thinking about morning.
Speaker 3:I was thinking about mornings. Will's our earliest riser.
Speaker 2:Actually, we probably get up close at the same time. So if you're a new mom and you're like fuck you motherfucker, like dude, it's not your time like don't.
Speaker 2:You don't need a routine. You have a new baby. So when my kids were like sleeping through the night and they're in their own rooms, I realized that if I started getting them ready and I was rushed, I was first mean, like Miss Hannigan from Annie Yep Everyone was still late and then mad or sad or ashamed. I was the ashamed one because I said something really shitty. So I started getting up, probably when Gus was three years old, and doing this routine. It has actually gotten earlier and earlier. Now I'm 5 30 every single morning and if you hear that and you're like you bitch, I'm telling y'all early mornings for ADHD. People are freaking, life-changing. And when we say morning routine, I'm not going to crossfit at 5 30, I'm not doing anything crazy. I'm making coffee and doing the mini crossword puzzle on my back porch.
Speaker 1:Yes, Truly like finding a thing that actually, like, brings you joy in the mornings. That's what we're talking about. If it's a good cup of coffee, if it's sitting for me it's journaling or like reading or something like that. Those things have transformed my life because I got to start and choose myself, and if we start rushed or talking shit to our children or fighting with them or running out the door, man it, it just. That's the trajectory of the day then, and I do you have anything like that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean because more midday, but you do that same routine every day, yeah.
Speaker 3:So like when I get up, I do wait to the last minute, but I already have everything ready to go Right, I don't have a six-year-old in your house, right, everyone's asleep in my house.
Speaker 3:So I don't say my first word until the microphone is on and I'm talking about the news. That's the first time I speak in the morning. So basically I get up, take medicine, shower clothes, go and then I read the news, I do my first break on the air and then I do the mini crossword and the wordle and I do my four New York Times games and then my day starts going.
Speaker 2:And then I start working. Have you played Strands yet? Yes, that's my favorite.
Speaker 1:I've played everything we talked about that. We talked about Strands.
Speaker 2:I love Strands, I think I can't remember, but we have actually named them. I feel like you're just fucking bored, no, way.
Speaker 3:What are you talking about? You hate?
Speaker 1:this no.
Speaker 3:You hate us.
Speaker 1:I don't know, it looks like you're about to it's flaring up.
Speaker 3:No, this is great, it's great.
Speaker 2:Okay, so I'm going to add one that's not on this list, but I think it's important we have a lot of energy as ADHD, and if you don't have a lot of energy, it's probably all tucked away because you're like I'm so lazy I can't get anything done. Y'all move your body like find a way that feels good to you. I know it works for me. Y'all. I tried like a high intensity bootcamp thing and I was like this is going to be my thing and I paid a disgusting amount and went three times. Turns out high intensity actually stresses me out more like that. Like I feel like I'm dying. Not great for high stress, high anxiety people. So all my women that are like I go to boot camp at 5 am, I'm like don't do it. So like lifting weights is actually great.
Speaker 1:Like slow, strong movement is so good for people Walking hiking, walking, freaking counts, low weights but high reps Like that's my thing.
Speaker 2:You find what works for you and what feels good, because y'all, you all have tucked away energy that has to come out so, and people work out at different times. You're an afternoon workout.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I used to before the morning show.
Speaker 3:I would run at 530 in the morning and then take the kids to school and come back, and so you did have a morning routine when I had to take the kids to school.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so our biggest thing is structured routine and a structured environment. I would highly recommend, even if you go on vacation, to continue a routine of some sort. And we are visual people for the most part, like any of us that get explained a card game verbally are gonna melt right there, but like, if you show me, I will adapt. So remember we are a show, not tell people so visual schedules. If someone makes an appointment and you're like great, I'll see you then and you did not write that down or put it in your phone, no, you won't see them then Listen writing things down changed my life, literally the physical manifestation of actually writing it down.
Speaker 1:So one of the things that I did to change my brain chemistry and because I'm not on medication and I've not found one that works for me if I don't write it down, it will not happen. Even if it's in my calendar, even if it pops up I'll be like, but if I write it down, it takes it from one side of the brain to the other side of the brain. You got your whole body involved in it and it's way more likely to happen like 90% or something like that.
Speaker 3:List for me too. This is crazy. But yesterday I told you, claire, I was going to my brother's house to help him wire lighting and it was a very complex kind of wiring system with lights and motion detectors and switches and whatever. And so I had done research beforehand and listed like, okay, hot, from here to neutral, blah, blah, blah and all the. And I had that and I was like, okay, I've got the list here of all the connections. He's like, oh well, here it's in the instructions, and on the instructions it was written as a paragraph. And I and I said to him and of course we test the same iq wise, we are so different brain wise, like as far as studying all that.
Speaker 3:He's like what do you mean? I was like I can't read that. I can't read instructions in a paragraph like that word problems.
Speaker 1:I could not do now if you were to show me, but like word problems and math, I would fail every time the seven apples and 24 pencils.
Speaker 2:If I could visualize it, I got you.
Speaker 1:But yes, it is way, way complicated, and the other thing that I've done is I limit how many things make it on the list. There cannot be more than five. If so I get overwhelmed. So that doesn't mean that there can't be a list of 110 things I need to get do on my notepad on my phone list of 110 things I need to get do on my my notepad, on my like phone. But the list that makes it to my eyesight cannot have more than five.
Speaker 2:It needs to fit on a post-it note so a lot of y'all are like I make lists all the time and I don't do them. So what you're doing is probably brain dumping in urgency or anxiety. So we have so much going on that we'll start a list here and then I have a list in the bathroom this is true, and there's 58 lists because I felt such a sense of urgency that writing it down gave me a false dopamine hit, like I got a dopamine hit but I didn't accomplish anything. That is the plight of an ADHD person. Yes, so I have a mega list. Okay, lives in the junk drawer. I can write anything down whenever I don't really follow it. I just know my brain is scared. So I'm like, ok, just clean out gutters or whatever. I've never cleaned a gutter, but whatever, get gutters cleaned professionally by another person. Ok, then I will have tasks. I do mine online and I can click those tasks and I can see them and it is not overwhelming. Yes, five, keep it under 10.
Speaker 1:I would say genuinely, if you can keep it to five like, truly it'll change your life.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that can be different. I mean like when we were building a deck. Daniel and I were going to build a new deck on the house and she's like let's rebuild the deck, let's tear it down and rebuild it. And I was like you're crazy, no. But then, once it was, she's like okay, how about this? Let's just tear down this part. And I was like, okay, I went out there and tore down that part.
Speaker 2:We're like children.
Speaker 3:And then she's like okay, so now let's tear down this part. I was like got it.
Speaker 1:I love that she, danielle, is a ninja for ADHD. Because she's a teacher, she knows what's up.
Speaker 3:So when she gave it to, I rebuilt the deck. I went out and just did everything, one thing at a time, and then, all of a sudden, a month later, we had a new deck.
Speaker 2:So if you have a child with ADHD and we're frustrated I have one child that does and one child that doesn't If I tell the child that does not have it, I'm like brush your teeth, put on your jammies and start reading. That child brushes his or her teeth. I will not call them out. Reeds does exactly what I say. The other child has done three cartwheels through the living room and they're like testing out what's in their jewelry drawer and then they have a snow white outfit on and what happens is those child children get punished, I've learned. So we don't punish, you have to shepherd them. So Danielle shepherded you. So that's a term where you have to shepherd a person through a task, and adults have to have it too. Like, hey, you did so good job, now you get to do this next thing. Okay, bite-sized pieces.
Speaker 1:Affirmation is like I love a good affirmation but it was bite-sized, that's it, it was attainable right.
Speaker 3:I could see myself doing that thing.
Speaker 2:And with kids you can say brush your teeth, come back, high five me and I'll give you your next task. Great, go do it. It's exhausting as a parent, but it works. It's better than yelling. All right, let's, let's promise some solutions.
Speaker 1:I promise we're gonna get to solutions, okay tune in next time but, yes, very special if this resonated with you, if you have felt and you, you were like oh, this is me and I'm dealing with this, and maybe you have medication, maybe you don't have, but you're still looking for tools. Just know, the next episode we're going to really be talking through tools and strategies that you can implement to make sure that you have what you need to navigate ADHD, not just for yourself, but also as a parent or a friend.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and if you don't have it, stop faking symptoms because there's a shortage of our medicine oh gosh, I know I'm so sorry, it's better now, though, I think right.
Speaker 2:So if you, sent me a question and I did not answer it.
Speaker 1:Today I promise I'm getting to it because they're important we just are all actually adhd and got so excited and couldn't shut up also, please, if you did not send a question, send them, because the next episode, that's what we're going to be talking about. Follow along with us everywhere. Please subscribe to the podcast. Find us on Instagram. We're constantly doing polls. We want to know what you think, and I know that you probably know this, but reviewing us and giving us five stars matters more than anything, and we are so grateful to have you here.
