Before You Cut Bangs
Hosted by Laura Quick and Claire Fierman, “Before You Cut Bangs” is full of hilarious conversations about real life, common and uncommon crises, and possible cosmetic errors that come along with it. Through storytelling and therapeutic wisdom, Claire and Laura share how to NOT fuck up your hair (and life) while walking through similar situations,
Produced by Will Lochamy
Before You Cut Bangs
27. How To Deal with Emotions: Consequences, Childhood Conditioning, and Practical Strategies
Have you ever felt like your emotions are a tightly sealed bottle, ready to burst? Laura and Claire kick off this episode by examining the surprising consequences of suppressing your feelings, from irritability to serious issues like addiction. They offer insights into the delicate balance between over-processing emotions and shutting them down entirely, featuring Will's pragmatic approach as a case study. They also delve into how childhood conditioning impacts our ability to manage emotions in adulthood and the struggle to find a healthy middle ground.
Welcome to, before you Cut Bangs. I'm Laura Quick and I'm Claire Fehrman. I am a professional storyteller and I'm currently working on my first book.
Speaker 2:I have worked in mental health for many years in lots of capacities and this is a really important time to tell you our big disclaimer this is not therapy. We are not your therapists or coaches or anything like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean you shouldn't really trust us very much at all. Unless you want to and it turns out well, then you can trust us. That's great. Am I doing it?
Speaker 2:Yeah, because I don't really know what we're talking about.
Speaker 1:Okay, today we're talking about feelings. Specifically, we're talking about the feelings that maybe you don't let yourself feel Sure. We're talking about the feelings that, because you waited so long, they come out of you super wonky, and maybe even the feelings that you hold so long that they explode out of you and sound a lot more like rage and a lot less like feelings and I'm out I know I was like he's gonna sit this one out and will will just be for be here for moral support only I'll ask you guys questions when something comes up that I'm curious about all right, do you want to start us off with a question?
Speaker 3:Yeah, why are we talking about feelings?
Speaker 1:Why are we? Well, okay, so we have had things come up from a topic perspective that are not necessarily people saying, hey, I want to talk about my feelings and what to do with them, but I think our byproducts of what happens when we don't actually acknowledge our own feelings which, if you're in the people pleaser camp, we've talked about people pleasing People pleasers typically bury them and just worry about other people and that's great, right, claire?
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:Okay, what happens if you just never talk about your feelings?
Speaker 2:Well, hang on, let me set up my camera. I should have put on makeup. Well, okay, what happens if you just never talk about your feelings? Well, hang on, let me set up my camera. I should have put on makeup. Well, you look great. No, hang on, what? I'm going to untuck this from the jeans, okay, oh, oh, I need a sweater. This is spot on. This is going on.
Speaker 1:TV. Every time I heard you it's going on.
Speaker 2:Do you feel better? Yeah, if I'm going on television.
Speaker 1:You look, you look like a reasonable therapist.
Speaker 2:Now, well, you know, a sensible one I like to keep the part you know, play the part. Um, before I answer your question of why we do that, I think that our past two episodes have just been super informative, like this is what ADHD is. This is how you deal with it. I guess it was three episodes of like hardcore information, and I imagine that if we talk about feelings, we'll get back to our roots of humiliating ourselves, sharing our deepest, darkest secrets and making Will uncomfortable.
Speaker 3:Sweet.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he's already read, literally read right now.
Speaker 3:Yeah, when you said honestly, like we're going to talk about feelings, I was like uh-oh, I'm not going to have it, I'm not going to have a word to say.
Speaker 2:I have some thoughts that are really positive about people like you.
Speaker 3:Oh good, so we'll get there. I feel some sarcasm in that statement. I swear to God, no.
Speaker 2:I think people need to be more like you, and I'll get there.
Speaker 3:Okay, I'm just very pragmatic, that's it. That's what I feel about this, about like me and the situation, like in fact I had to tell somebody the other day. I was like, yeah, I just don't handle things like that. I think about them kind of pragmatically and that's how I make decisions and, like you know, handle adversity. I don't have come aparts and whatever. Like this other person, yeah, I was like we just handle things very differently.
Speaker 2:It's really this is not sarcastic Beautiful. Yeah, we really need more of that.
Speaker 3:It's not like a practiced thing. I think it's just the way my brain is.
Speaker 2:Actually, I think it has a ton to do with your childhood, but we'll probably also get there. Yeah, we're going to do a family timeline. Okay, what was your question?
Speaker 1:Why do we hold things in what happens to us when we don't feel our feelings?
Speaker 2:Okay, so that will look different for everyone.
Speaker 2:And I think you started it off right For everyone. And I think you started it off right. If we just become our own container and don't acknowledge them, even in our own mind and body, it does come out wacky wonky. So it could be something simple like tearfulness or easily irritated, or it can look like alcoholism or shopping addiction or gambling to like like that pressure valve gets some have to have an outlet, have to have an outlet, have to have an outlet. And we're just going to use Will here as an example and like I think just brains are made differently.
Speaker 2:And right now and I've said things like this before and I'm going to say it again, maybe it's just my algorithm, it's not going to be Will's TikTok, but it's a lot of like how to fix this, how to talk about that, what to do with this, what to do with that. And sometimes I think we're a little bit hyper-focused on feelings right now too, and so I think there's this like pendulum swing of like am I way too over here, over-processing, over-feeling, to where I'm not exaggerating in a line sense, but making it worse? And then there might be that shutdown of I don't experience feelings and I don't view you as a shutdown person at all.
Speaker 3:No, no, I don't think so yeah.
Speaker 2:And then that kind of middle ground is like I can let feelings come in and roll out and make decisions, but I think we have to define what a feeling and an emotion is first, before we get into why you're all y'all are all doing it wrong.
Speaker 1:Great, Tell me I honestly have been doing it wrong, like why everyone's doing it wrong.
Speaker 3:Yeah, okay, I didn't know if that was pointed here. No, no, no, it just hit us too. No, you said why y'all are doing it wrong.
Speaker 1:Oh I promise you, claire's be feeling them. Feelings Go on and sometimes wrong.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, talk about it. What is a feeling, an emotional state? Oftentimes I'll ask a client it happens more with men when I'm like tell me about that emotion, tell me about that feeling, and they're like this one time. And then they tell me a story. The story might be connected to the feeling, but the feeling or emotion is really really specific, like happy, sad, frustrated, afraid. I mean there's a huge, huge, huge list of feelings, but we really have to hone in on like core emotions that we're really born with, which are We'll go through our current, our core feelings.
Speaker 3:Fear, anger, sadness, happiness, disgust, surprise, joy, love, shame, excitement and trust.
Speaker 2:You know why those have to be there, why To survive, you have to have disgust to survive. That mushroom or berry tastes disgusting because it's poisonous, can't eat it Right, and then that transfers into people when we're like, I got the icky feelings for that person. Disgust, no, thank you. So those core emotions have helped humans survive. Love, connection, trust that's how we keep making more humans. Okay. Happiness just keeps us pleasant people.
Speaker 2:What you didn't notice or, sorry, what you didn't hear on that list, is anxiety. I think that that might be a little bit of a manufactured feeling, not that we don't have it. I live in a almost constant state of it. If I'm being totally honest with everybody, I know it really really well. But anxiety really, if you like, get past the worry or the ruminating thoughts or the what if this happens, those what if? Questions. It comes back to a fear which is different. Am I afraid of being left alone? Am I afraid of failing? Am I afraid I won't have any money to pay the mortgage? It's what am I afraid of. So it really is helpful to be specific. Am I feeling one of these core feelings or am I like mildly irritated because I'm actually really hungry and tired?
Speaker 1:I feel like I it's. It's interesting because I would say I was probably like well into my 30s before I'd ever said the words. I feel sad, which is crazy. That was just not a feeling. That was safe when I didn't think I was safe enough to do it. But you know, I would tell you like anger. Now I have some stories about like I remember one time I tried to be gluten free before. It was like super cool and fun and I remember walking into a bakery and asking them if they had gluten free cookies and this was in Savannah and they laughed at me and I was hungry and wanted a fr? Freaking cookie and I, in my mind's eye, saw myself like ripping apart their like everything and then ripping up their shrubs outside and kicking their doors open. You know I luckily didn't do that, but I would say like that is something that comes up out of me Not often, but maybe because I haven't, I actually let myself feel some of the other emotions. I'm sad that I won't just eat regular food with gluten in it.
Speaker 2:So why wasn't sad an emotion you had been able to experience? Or acknowledge the experience of.
Speaker 1:I think that one I was told I couldn't cry as a child, ever Like when I cried I got in trouble, I would get a spanking, like I'm going to give you something to cry about, and I think that's a lot of people's experience. If you grew up with a boomer parent, then that is probably a narrative that was spoken over them and they probably continue speaking it over you. So that happened for me. So I never thought that it was. I was safe enough to cry. I did cry, but I would like hide when I was crying, or I would run to the bathroom or I'd try to like pull it together and push it down, and so sadness was just never really allowed which is also sad.
Speaker 2:Usually in a household there is a feeling or a cohort of feelings that aren't acceptable in that house. Sad, oh my gosh fearmans love sad. We love nostalgia. We love a good cry. It was welcome, but if you were angry you can see yourself out because it was really uncomfortable and like if my dad yelled at you which happened like once every 10 years like I'm having a physical reaction.
Speaker 2:now I'm like I have really fucked up. So I I didn't care for anger, I didn't want it Like no, none for me, and less so that I couldn't express it. I didn't express it. Often I don't view myself as a very angry person. I didn't want it expressed at me. So if someone was like I'm really angry with you, I'm just like glazed over.
Speaker 1:Oh shit, I'm having a near-death experience. I will simply pass away. I will not be allowing you to be angry with me.
Speaker 2:If I got corrected at all, it's in elementary. Well, ever in school, but particularly elementary school.
Speaker 3:I was like fuck, like yeah, no same, no same way.
Speaker 2:Hate it, hate it. It only happened like maybe twice ever, or something I can think of two times.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but really it was like oh boy.
Speaker 1:Was it like a humiliation thing? I don't know.
Speaker 3:I just I wanted to. I wanted my teachers to like me and I didn't want to be in trouble or do things to get in trouble or to bother them, and it plain old, feels awful yeah.
Speaker 2:And it plain old feels awful, it feels bad. I think, especially as a kid, that this big person that I'm supposed to respect is upset with me.
Speaker 1:It's so interesting because I think that I probably got conditioned to believe like it's totally fine if you disappoint people, because I felt like I was doing it all the time. It actually made me a great salesperson. Like because you got to be willing to lose. I'm a terrible salesperson.
Speaker 3:That's the worst, the worst over here.
Speaker 2:I'll buy it for you by the end of it.
Speaker 1:It's why I always say like, it's why I'm like well, let me handle your business management, I will like totally take it over. But I think it's why it has made me like super brave and it's why rejection doesn't affect me the same way that it affects other people. But I think it's honestly because the exposure was so high to that like. I got a lot of rejection and I learned how to be resilient through it, whereas rejection was a very it was. It was a unique feeling to y'all. It was a I'm exposed. Oh my god, I hate that. I want to be liked, I want to be whatever. And for me I was like well, just another tuesday, let's fucking go.
Speaker 2:I was also told like I looked like shirley temple and I was nice and so you're so cute the cutest little kid.
Speaker 2:I can't, it's impossible bubble was popped, I was like, do they know that I'm cute and nice? Like have they seen me? Boy, really kept that up for a long time. What y'all are talking about is a lot of what is in a book that I've mixed feelings on, but this is a positive feeling. The four agreements, so that ability to not take things personally and to be impeccable with your words, like what a lovely way to live. It's really hard to do for people like me and Will. Not being impeccable with your words, like what a lovely way to live. It's really hard to do for people like me and Will. Not being impeccable with your word, but meaning like Will hates confrontation. We know this, so there might be some avoidance in that. So then, you're not being impeccable with your word. It's not about lying, it's about being safe enough and being able to say the whole thing, and you're like I'll say the whole thing.
Speaker 1:I'll give me their number. I'll call them right now, I'll tell them everything for you, and then you're also good, I'm your brother. This is turning into.
Speaker 2:Laura's pep talk. We're like you're so great, me and Will are the pits, but you're also really good at not taking things personally, because I think you had that raincoat on as a kid. I couldn't. I was going one of two ways? Yeah, either heroin addiction or resiliency.
Speaker 1:So we're glad to see at the table. Thank God for resiliency and no heroin addiction. I mean, it is true, though I would attribute my resilience to I don't. I actually don't. I've often said my faith. I would tell you I actually think that there was something inside me that thought like this is going to be worth it, like don't worry, it's going to be worth it. And I don't, I can't attribute that to anything other than like something spiritual, because there was no reason for me to believe that I was going to one, even survive my childhood, but two, that everything was going to be worth it. But now I really do feel like everything is worth it and I think I get to be honest about my story and hopefully give other people hope who are like, feel like holy shit, why is this happening to me, especially young girls? Like if you can just keep going, you get to the other side, it's going to be OK.
Speaker 3:I think you've turned out a OK.
Speaker 1:Thanks. I'm really feeling positive. You know, guys, I really appreciate this because there have just been so many podcasts where I'm like not the just right. You know, we got Goldilocks today. I really love being Goldilocks, thank you, and I'd like to accept this reward and blame it on my completely traumatic childhood.
Speaker 3:Thank you so much If you're listening listening, I'm just kidding beep that out and it wasn't there at all. I really appreciate it, my beeping that, or?
Speaker 1:keeping it. Keep it, okay, their names out. Um, oh god, no, actually, bleep that out, take that out. Well, which is it?
Speaker 3:I don't know I do love using the bleeps.
Speaker 1:Believe he does yeah okay, so back to what do we do with these feelings? So now I'm going to tell you Okay, good, I can't wait.
Speaker 3:I feel like maybe and I'm hearing it wrong, perhaps but we're kind of interchanging feeling and emotion, right?
Speaker 2:I do. I'm sure there's some like psychiatrist or psychologist that's like well actually, but I use it the same way Apparently.
Speaker 3:emotions can be subconscious.
Speaker 2:Like that's where, like feelings feel more you're very aware of, yeah, you're very aware I can roll with that.
Speaker 3:I don't know, I don't care I just was actually asking like is there really this big difference in the two?
Speaker 2:if there's another therapist listening, alexis um I know or anybody right now also alexis just yeah, I was about to say the alexis, actually, just. So that's called an Alexa.
Speaker 3:Alexa hey she lit up.
Speaker 1:We don't need anything.
Speaker 3:Oh gosh, I'm turning into my father.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, you are.
Speaker 3:One time we called him live on the radio to be like hey, and we knew he was probably listening or whatever. Hello, all right, your radio is still on loud in the background. Don't forget to turn your radio down. We can, we can hear it. Alexis, stop, alexis, alexa, alexa, Birmingham Mountain Radio.
Speaker 1:Alright, thanks to you guys. Thanks Dad.
Speaker 3:Well, it's not going to get better than that.
Speaker 1:Alexis and your mom said Alexa, alexa. Your mom was like Alexa I love it.
Speaker 2:That's so good.
Speaker 3:That's my favorite thing to surprise call people live on the radio.
Speaker 2:So what do we do with them? I'm going to start with what not to do, because we talk about consumerism regularly on here. You'll probably listen to this and then be offered like a supplement, you know.
Speaker 1:Oh gosh, yeah, that's real.
Speaker 2:Like, take omegas for brain health, which actually take omegas for brain health. But that was just the first thing I thought of of like, there's no powdered drink mix, there's no perfect yoga pose, there's no this, this golden ticket to not have these human experiences. And so remember that, can they help you? Sure, I start yoga teacher training tomorrow. So, like, I do believe in these things. But the first thing of what to do is allow for the experience, and so one way to look at that is welcome everything, push away nothing. So that means I get to experience a feeling or an emotion and I can practice not having judgment around it, like, okay, here's here, I'm gonna just see if it can pass, because guess what they, they do. I don't have to take action in that moment, which our society wants us to do. You're having this thing. All you have to do is journal for 18 minutes, blindfolded, with incense lit, and you should be fine. But really we have to learn how to just let some things pass I was gonna say so.
Speaker 1:The feel everything, push away nothing, that concept I would tell you, until I started therapy, that is not something I was good at, so I was pushing away everything and it caused there was a ton of really bad byproducts from that, like shopaholicism, a lot of lying, a lot of avoidant. I mean, as we've all heard about Bonnie and we'll drop your ass off with Bonnie I was not impeccable with my word, you know, because I wasn't feeling anything, because I didn't feel safe enough to do that and I didn't know. Even starting therapy, there's an element and there's a story we tell ourselves is like I can't take the lid off of this stuff.
Speaker 2:That's right, because if I take the lid off, what could happen? Right?
Speaker 1:Oh, I went on a silent retreat. This is just a couple years ago. I went on a silent retreat and thought, oh my gosh, I mean I remember praying like God please don't let anything crazy come out while I'm being quiet. I don't, I have lived through enough. I don't want to remember anything else. Thank you so much, but I do think there is something that sounds really scary. If you're in the camp of I don't like to feel my feelings and you hear feel everything, push away nothing, you're probably like over my dead body. I'm stopping this podcast right away. So I just want to encourage you that what that means is if you can do it in bite sizes, if you can, in the moment when you're feeling angry, be like damn, I feel really pissed off right now. This sucks, and then don't push it away. Feel it. The faster you feel it, the faster you can move through it.
Speaker 2:If that isn't the truth. So when I say, welcome everything, push away nothing, I'm not saying, here comes a feeling I'm going to let it tie a rope to my feet and drag me with it. It's actually looking for. I say a sense of control, very loosely, meaning I'm going to allow this to come in and I'm going to hold it for a second or a minute or a day and then let it move on. It is not I'm feeling anxious so I need to go check off all of my to-do lists. It's. I'm feeling really anxious. Can I breathe for a second and just see where this is? Can I be curious about it and let it go?
Speaker 2:Everything I'm saying is more difficult to do than than me just saying, oh, just like, let it roll in and let it roll away. It's really being a non judgmental observer of what's going on with you. That's it Okay. And I'm talking about every day I'm sitting in traffic, this sucks type feelings like little blip, things I'm not talking about. Well, my biggest trauma wound came up and Claire told me to welcome it and push away nothing. That that's like a whole different level.
Speaker 1:I was just going to say be okay, setting a deadline. We talk a lot about the cultural conditioning of like. How much people are like oh my God. There's this camp of people that are like fill everything, name everything, sit in it. Oh my God, that's terrible and it's not healthy at all. Now, setting a deadline for an emotion like grief may be completely impossible. Right, because that thing comes at you and from every angle in the weirdest moments. But setting a deadline for the PTA president who pissed you off by being condescending and saying that you don't do enough for your kid's school, I feel like setting a deadline to be like I'm gonna be mad at her for 24 hours and then I'm gonna squash this because who gives a shit about Brenda? Okay, like that's, and then phone a friend. If you cannot pull yourself out of something, my encouragement to you is to call somebody who is a healthy container, who can hear you, and then mirror back to you what's probably appropriate, or go see your therapist.
Speaker 2:So if you think of like a thermometer that takes the outdoor temperature if I'm zero to 50, that means like that's how disturbing this feeling is. If I'm under 50, I'd like to be able to take care of that myself. Meaning, can I go for a walk, can I ask curious questions like am I just taking something personally? Can I raincoat this? You know, like let it roll off of me? Do I just need to watch an episode of Friends? Do I need to just make dinner or whatever doing? The next thing? That's under 50.
Speaker 2:If it's above 50, I'm likely having a pretty big physical response, maybe really tearful, maybe I'm moving something really disturbing, maybe I've lost someone really close to me, maybe I've been fired from a job. Those really vulnerable, really painful things that are not linear. It is not a linear timeline of this is how long this lasts, and today it'll be good and tomorrow it will be bad. So those are the cases where I have to go outside of myself. So, more external, if I'm grieving and I ask myself can I just be curious about this and set the deadline or journal like you're probably not going to get relief.
Speaker 1:Let's talk to people who are really good at feeling so good at feeling they can't pull themselves out that is great, that's great.
Speaker 2:So we're going to talk to our big feelers like Will.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:What.
Speaker 1:We're talking to Claire Before we move on.
Speaker 2:I don't think you're an avoider. I've said that. I think you're, just like, naturally, a really neutral person, and pragmatic, I think, was the right word. So do you recognize feelings when they come in Like oh yeah, and then what happens?
Speaker 3:Well, I try to, you know, figure out a way to resolve that. Here's the thing like I do feel tons of joy, like, looking at this list. There are certainly things on this list that I feel all the time Excitement, right, joy, things on this list that I feel all the time excitement, right, joy, hmm, yeah, I mean love, of course, happiness, like there are, yeah, but like okay, so like fear, and yeah, fear. With that one I just try to think of, like all right, what can I do about this thing? Maybe that is scary, and like what, what can I control out of that?
Speaker 3:and then try to do that, yeah, that's really healthy, really good stuff well, it is what I tell, like my kids all the time is you can only control what you can control and those are the only things that you can that you should let affect you, right, that is a get out of jail free card for big feelers.
Speaker 1:Yes, if you can ask yourself, what about this? Can I control, like? Because a lot of times what happens with big feelers in my experience of having tons of friends who are big feelers is that a lot of times that those big feelings come from an illusion or or a or a narrative story they've made up in their head about maybe someone else's perception of them and interaction.
Speaker 1:They had a lack of interaction that was had. And so if you can ask yourself like, what can I control about this? I can control how I respond. I can control that. I can check up with that person and just make sure they're okay. If that's necessary, you would probably know more about this.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, so big feelers are usually looking for a place to land. But having those big worry thoughts or fear thoughts, the brain feels like it's doing something to protect you, but it's really spinning you out and Will. What you do? Is you like land in something concrete because you have the ability to do it. So here's the thing let's do the thermometer again. Ability to do it. So here's the thing. If we're let's do the thermometer again.
Speaker 2:If you're under 50, not super activated, not years old on the thermometer which is usually where it sounds like you are you would still have the ability for rational thought. So if you're listening to this and you're like what does it mean if I'm under 50? That means you're probably in control of mind and body. You're experiencing something and your rational thought is still online. What's worst case scenario? What's within my reach? What can I do? Did they really mean that Maybe something's going on with them? Like you still have rational thought? When rational thought has left the building, that means our prefrontal cortex has left the building as well, and that's where logic and reason go. That means our lower two thirds of our brain, that animal brain which I've talked about the lizard and things, that's who's driving the ship.
Speaker 2:You can make no choice until that part is soothed, and that's really not that difficult as far as the steps. It's difficult because you're like this bitch is telling me, if I take 10 deep breaths, I'm going to calm down, like actually, that's exactly what I'm telling you. If you breathe rhythmically and slowly, the body can believe it's safe enough. To then go back into logic of what's worst case scenario here. What's something I can do, what's within reach.
Speaker 1:Hold on, because I want to make sure if you're listening to this. What she just said is if you're under 50, you're still logical, ok. And when you're logical, even if you can't figure out what the best thing is, you can phone a friend. You can phone a tier one friend and be like I'm kind of freaking out about this. Can you talk me through it? Whatever, if you're over 50, that means you're logical. The right person left the building and the lizard is in charge of your life, right, and so nothing good can can happen, because a lizard is never going to be able to live your life.
Speaker 2:And that's why I said earlier, you have to do something external, and I should have been more specific. Something external is can I put this in? Sounds silly, but if I put something really sour in my mouth, like a sour candy or a lemon, it's going to kind of zap me back into reality. Candy or a lemon, it's going to kind of zap me back into reality If I go for a 15 minute run or lift really heavy weights or splash ice cold water on my face or go into a sauna, because we all have you know saunas and yards, but if I do something that's external and physical, it will help get my brain back online to step into choice.
Speaker 2:Because, remember, if we're in high feelings, we feel like we're free falling. I have no choice. I'm scared of the unknown, what's going to happen. I have to find a place to land and that's why I like movement should be a huge part of your wellness practice. Like I wouldn't. I mean, we're back to Will here, but Will you had like a super secure base for childhood, so I think you were primed to be this type of person. But also you keep to a schedule and you move your body every single day, and those are two super relieving things. Like if we have big energy, we have to move it out.
Speaker 1:Oh, and something Will said too, which I think is really important when you're when you were listing off the those emotions, list them off again. All right, important. When you're when you were listing off the those emotions, list them off again all right.
Speaker 3:So fear, anger, sadness, happiness, disgust, surprise, joy, love, shame, excitement and trust okay.
Speaker 1:So if you're hearing that list and you resonate with the, the ones that feel harder disgust, anger um shame shame like those then guess what this probably is really pissing you off as talking about these feelings and how easy it would be if you just go for a walk and whatever. But I will tell you something Will said is oh, I feel these feelings all the time. I love joy and I feel love all the time. And obviously Will and I have talked about this a ton on here but like when you're programming yourself, okay, either you've gotten in a program where those harder feelings are the ones that are most natural to you or you're in a programming where those lighter feelings are much more natural to you. So if every day, you wake up and you're super thankful and you're filled with joy and you're a loving person, and that's just like your programming normally, because you had a healthy, secure childhood, well, we're looking at you um hope.
Speaker 2:Your mom listens.
Speaker 1:I know. Good job, mom and dad. We just love you guys. Y'all did you killed it. But if, if that was where your baseline was, it's going to be a lot easier for you to access those lighter emotions, those heavier emotions. If that is your baseline, then you're going to have to work really hard. You're going to have to practice those other emotions, feeling joy. So you got to ask yourself when do I feel most joyful? Who are the people I feel most loved by? That? I love the best, and put yourself in scenarios where that becomes a part of your routine and it can. Gratitude, I'm telling you, interrupts. If you can stop. I know this sounds annoying, but I make everybody who is in my life do it. If you're stressed out, if you will stop what you're doing and make a list of as many things as you can, but at least three things you're grateful for, it can flip your day around.
Speaker 2:Well, we're more prone to look at the negative, because looking at the negative helped cave men and women survive, so our brains were made that way. Let me prepare for the mountain lion, or what if I don't have a fire to build? I'm worried. I need to survive.
Speaker 2:And so we aren't used to exercising that muscle of joy, positivity, peace, calm or even neutrality. Like what would it like to just be neutral about something? And so it is an exercise. So, like Laura said, if you're listening, you're like these dumb bitches are just telling me to go for a walk. I'd be pissed too, but the the deal is, this is what I tell clients all the time. That's the harder work. The smaller work is the harder work.
Speaker 2:People come into therapy because of a crisis, a painful event, and they're like here it all is and they feel relief. Okay, good, I don't want to. I'm not saying it's easy work in the sense of it's very vulnerable, it costs money, it costs time, all of it has to be. You have to be really brave to do that, but there's a pretty good relief once you kind of unload that stuff. The nuanced, life-changing work is the more difficult work of can I practice safety and positive feelings.
Speaker 2:What if joy? I haven't experienced it a lot in my life. So what if it feels unsafe or like the other shoe's always going to drop? How do I practice that in safety? How is it that when I'm anxious and I think another to drop, how do I practice that in safety? How is it that when I'm anxious and I think another to-do list or I just need to call my mom or whatever will make me feel better? How do I trust that Claire might be right? If I took a conscious breath and went outside and walked around my block for 20 minutes, how could I trust that that will work for me? Disclaimer that does not heal drama, remember. We're just talking about like everyday human.
Speaker 1:We're also just talking about getting your brain back online, and so if you're that person who's like these bitches, if they tell us one more time to put a piece of ice in our mouth and walk for 20 minutes or drink something hot or drink something cool or put a lemon in your mouth, I'm gonna find them and kill them. Well, please, don't find us and kill us. Actually, if you will find Will, he's easier to find. Honestly, he's pretty much at the same place, all the time he's very routine.
Speaker 3:Okay, and there is fear now.
Speaker 1:But he's strong and I think he could probably fight you off. We're not. But what I will tell you is why don't you just try it Like you have nothing to lose, to when you're feeling overwhelmed? Will a long walk, a 20 minute walk, solve your problems or get rid of your childhood trauma? Absolutely not. Here's what I can tell you.
Speaker 1:The reason I'm good and impeccable with my words and don't mind feeling my feelings is because when I was 28 years old, my body started breaking out in intense hives. I'm talking like crazy physical manifestation of trauma, trying to get out of my body, because I just would not feel it. And I'm not saying that's going to happen to you. Actually, I pray that does not happen to you, but I am telling you it will make its way out.
Speaker 1:So, feeling your feelings, even in those micro ways that you can, and taking care of yourself when feelings get really, really, really big or when you're tempted to push it all the way down, my advice would be please don't, please, please, please don't, because I can tell you I had halves for seven years, off and on, and I have not had them in four years, thank you, nolan, but that is because I've done a ton of therapy and a ton of practicing because it is hard, it's really hard. So we're not telling you to do something and be like it's easy to get a lemon. We know it's not that easy, it's the hardest work you'll ever do.
Speaker 3:And let me just add because I was looking at this list again and because I've been like oh yeah, I just have these. But really it doesn't say it here, but under anger is frustration and annoyance.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I do get that Mostly about this one kind of situation in my life that I don't actually have control over it, and so I know I drive Danielle crazy because you said like, well, here's the thing today, and I know I was like I know you don't want to hear this, but anyway, that's. That's something that I do deal with and that one's frustrating for me because again, I feel a bit out of control that's right, because that would go against your grain.
Speaker 2:Like this is how I function and this is not working in like my wheelhouse of how I function.
Speaker 1:Well, because your logic won't help you. Right, there's nothing actually do your logic and you're doing everything you can to control. Okay, so how do we wrap this up? Because I've got a couple little unless you have more.
Speaker 2:So we're talking. What we've given a lot of today is somatic. You have to take care of the external too, meaning like I have to grab some external resources. We've talked about what I think Will has, and Laura more than me, is that like grit to talk ourselves in and out of things. Here's what I heard.
Speaker 1:I heard Claire say that for people who have a difficult time feeling their feelings, then the best idea would be to, in a micro way, give yourself permission to feel it and not push it away. Set a deadline for how long that you're sitting in a feeling. I literally just told myself, like three weeks ago I was so mad that I'd been frustrated about the same damn thing and felt myself talking about it every day, and I gave myself permission to not talk about it for two weeks. I'm not going to talk about this for two weeks and the crazy thing is kind of went away, like I'm not saying it disappeared completely, but I'm saying it got it. I got perspective on the size it was in comparison to the rest of my life and it just really, really helped me out.
Speaker 1:Don't forget to phone a friend Like. We've got these tier one friends that are willing to give us a you know like, can give us perspective when we don't have it. They can normally pull us back down to reality or like logic, which is something that's super easy for will. It's not easy for everyone, especially when you're activated or if your frontal cortex has gone offline. Man, it's not there at all. So a friend can really bring perspective. And then gratitude. Look, if you're really, really overwhelmed and in your emotions, especially the harder ones, I would tell you, take five minutes and write down three things you're grateful for. There's nothing better than practicing gratitude to interrupt some of our heavier feelings.
Speaker 2:But the big feelers that taking a break from your feelings that you're safe to take a break from your feelings. We are. We have it so locked in our head that I need to keep feeling this way and y'all, it's all right if you don't.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, man, let yourself off the hook, because imagine the space that that feeling is taking up, where joy could possibly be instead.
Speaker 2:Okay, you close this out. I got married to Bobby.
Speaker 3:Oh, congrats. Bobby is officially our partner.
Speaker 2:Sorry to just tell y'all we love it, we love it.
Speaker 3:I kind of only knew because of social media.
Speaker 2:Because I didn't really mention it.
Speaker 3:I know you didn't. You did say we're going to get married soon the last time I saw you, but there were no specifics with that.
Speaker 2:It was soon the last time I saw you, but there were no specifics with that, and then all of a sudden. I didn't invite anybody, so that's a way to do it.
Speaker 1:I mean, your entire clan family was there we had a lot of family members. Well, my brother has 76 kids.
Speaker 2:So like it. Just someone saw a picture and they were like, did y'all combine to have 10 kids? And I was like no, what, absolutely not his marriage would not have happened. I love it. So I mean, do you want to hear a funny little marriage thing? Yes, it has to do with feelings, sure.
Speaker 3:Yeah, of course.
Speaker 2:I want to say that Bobby is a very good cook. I forgot about being married, that the first, you know, the first year of marriage is hardest.
Speaker 2:I'm like I've done this before, like I'm good and we get along super well, we have a really fun relationship and we're really good friends, so it's great. But I've lived alone for five years and done everything my way, and he too has lived alone for five years and been married before and done things his way, and so we're learning about what it's like to live together. So the other night I was super overwhelmed with laundry and kid stuff and one of my kids is doing cheerleading and that is a commitment that I wasn't anticipating. And I asked Bobby to cook dinner and because I'm a control freak, I laid it all out and the order. I would prepare it like you would do this first and then that first, and I felt annoying.
Speaker 2:I felt annoyed that I did that and he was super nice about it, great, and part of it was steaming broccoli and I do prefer it roasted. So if anyone's like, why would you steam it? Like it was for an Asian noodle dish, steamed is better. And so I was like, have you ever seen broccoli? He's like, no, I only roast it. And I I'm like, not a problem, here's the steamer and I could have cooked dinner by the time. I was so controlling and given all the ways I would do it and I walk away and he comes into my room, our room.
Speaker 3:It's going great, I can tell.
Speaker 2:I just keep forgetting. It's so funny and I was surrounded by everyone's laundry and I'm folding and organizing and he's like, hey, with the broccoli, do I just put the whole head of broccoli in the steamer, or would I cut it before?
Speaker 1:thank you, thank you I excuse me, sir, and I and I was like, how would that work?
Speaker 2:Please stop, I was like if you cook with an onion, would you put the whole onion in and then cut it afterwards and he goes you could have just said yes or no. And I was like could have just said yes and I didn't, and I didn't.
Speaker 3:Yeah, my response to that would be like all right, you're on broccoli duty, I got this laundry. That'd be, that's my.
Speaker 2:Totally, and so you know what I was. I said sorry in a very appropriate way and I was like hey baby voice. And I was like I like, what a learning curve. Like it's just not going to be done how I think it needs to be done.
Speaker 3:And I'm going to learn to relax this year. This is why you date the person for 12 years and then get married, and then the first year is like the best year of marriage ever.
Speaker 1:We're not.
Speaker 3:God bless you.
Speaker 1:Danielle.
Speaker 2:You little angel, what an angel, what an angel. All right, thanks for listening to Before you Cut Bangs, and we'll see you next time.
Speaker 1:Before you Cut Bangs is hosted by Laura Quick and Claire Fehrman and produced by Will Lockamy. Follow along with us everywhere. Please subscribe to the podcast. Find us on Instagram. We're constantly doing polls. We want to know what you think, and I know that you probably know this, but reviewing us and giving us five stars matters more than anything, and we are so grateful to have you here.
