Before You Cut Bangs
Hosted by Laura Quick and Claire Fierman, “Before You Cut Bangs” is full of hilarious conversations about real life, common and uncommon crises, and possible cosmetic errors that come along with it. Through storytelling and therapeutic wisdom, Claire and Laura share how to NOT fuck up your hair (and life) while walking through similar situations,
Produced by Will Lochamy
Before You Cut Bangs
2.6 Your Elf is a Pretentious a**hole
We are knocking on the doors of Christmas and trying to capture the magic, but not get sucked into the world of comparisons and feeling like we didn’t do enough for our family, friends, and especially our kids.
The holiday season ushers in lots of good stuff, like joy and memory making— but if we aren’t careful it can all feel like insurmountable pressure. We hope as you listen wherever you are on your journey- you’ll be reminded that the real magic of the holidays is spending time with your people. We hope you laugh with us this episode and are reminded— no one’s kids are going to therapy later in life over what Santa or the damn elf brought— so relax, make some hot chocolate, play some games and love your people.
Welcome to, before you Cut Bangs. I'm Laura Quick and I'm Claire Fehrman. I am a professional storyteller and I'm currently working on my first book.
Speaker 2:I have worked in mental health for many years in lots of capacities and this is a really important time to tell you our big disclaimer this is not therapy. We are not your therapists or coaches or anything like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean you shouldn't really trust us very much at all. Unless you want to and it turns out well, then you can trust us. That's great. The other day I get a message from Claire, where I see on her Instagram where she has let the elves out the elves are out. Yeah, okay, and her elves are doing ridiculous things and she was like these people and their elves riding in on sleighs and floating into the oblivion with these welcome signs and whatever, and I thought I was like what I'm so far removed from that.
Speaker 2:Do you know what we're?
Speaker 3:talking about yeah, the shelf thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Right, I'm more of a snoop on a stoop kind of girl, you know what I mean, but anyways, I just don't have kids that are little like that, so I wasn't even thinking about it. Then I started seeing, literally on my Instagram Holy moly, the level, the present delivery, the cards, the Advent calendars, with a scavenger hunt attached to it that takes you to a day. Every day, on Advent, you get a gift. What is happening?
Speaker 3:Yeah, who has time for all of this?
Speaker 1:So that's what we're talking about today what the actual what's really going on, what the what?
Speaker 3:So intro question really quick what's the best Christmas gift you ever received?
Speaker 1:Ooh, that's hard. My grandma got me a guitar with her greenback stamps from the Piggly Wiggly.
Speaker 3:Okay, nice. Do you know what a?
Speaker 1:greenback stamp is. I don't.
Speaker 3:Do you?
Speaker 1:remember Piggly Wiggly.
Speaker 3:I mean, I know Piggly Wiggly very well.
Speaker 1:So back in the day they would give you stamps, like if you shopped there and you would collect enough stamps and then you could buy like China, or you could buy guitars. Yeah, so we didn't get a pig.
Speaker 3:until after that we had Western. They could have done it there, but it was a very popular thing.
Speaker 2:You'd get your stamps and then you'd get a prize. It was like a rewards program.
Speaker 1:It was like Marlboro the. Marlboro magazine.
Speaker 3:A camel Camel Camel box.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, camel box. Forgot about those. I got a car once on Christmas, wow Okay.
Speaker 3:Okay, yeah, like you were a younger person. Yeah, person Like yeah.
Speaker 2:I wish it was last year. I'd love to have had a different car now. But my mother was a preschool teacher, my dad worked for a paper company and then, after he got sober and we started working and they started working in the treatment industry, it was like the first time we had cars with leather seats and like went on airplanes, like our lives really changed and we had these like golden year Christmases. I think it was like the first time that we got folding money, you know, and folding money, no more pocket change. Two Volvo keys, one for me, one for my brother.
Speaker 3:That's great. As the parent, I always think, when I see those commercials where they're giving one to the spouse, like the stress that would be involved.
Speaker 2:Can you imagine?
Speaker 3:Like, well, how did we pay for this? Where's this money coming from? Like that would be mine.
Speaker 2:No, we were. That was like our first car and, to be fair, mine was a station wagon. I didn't like get a cool, sporty Volvo or an SUV. I named her Susan the station wagon and she was great. That's great. All right, she was great, that's great. What about?
Speaker 3:you Drums. Very surprised, I did not think at all, and they got me like the coolest, like 1968 Roger set which is like the Ringo Starr kind of it was incredible. So then it changed my life Like that, my whole life, literally.
Speaker 1:the trajectory of your life has changed.
Speaker 3:What my life is today is because of that Christmas present.
Speaker 2:Had you played drums before?
Speaker 3:No, with chopsticks on mop buckets. That's what I would do, and I had learned I'd been playing for a year on mop buckets, along with stuff. God, that's wholesome. It was crazy. It was crazy, all right. So these elves, these elves, your post, one of the posts that I saw, and I think it may be the only one I've seen that you posted you were like I hate these elves, but look what they did.
Speaker 2:It made me think she really likes this because it was very creative. What you had done. That made me laugh. She was still laughing the next day when we talked on the phone. Okay, so what I did? Listeners, if you don't follow me on instagram because I don't let most people um, my kids had these like beautiful black and white portraits. So their elves came in with an expo marker, dry erase marker, and drew like mustaches and eyebrows and things on their beautiful kid portraits and then they fell asleep with their little Expo markers. So this is my thing on elves. I love nostalgic things. I love tradition. There are things about when my kids are little that I like, ache for, that I'll never rock them again or push a stroller like. There's things that I truly miss. I will not miss the fucking elves. I won't. It's a lot of work I have to set and there's an alarm on my phone for 9, 11, 9, 1, 1 pm that says move the elves. I run out of creative ideas.
Speaker 2:That's 24 days of creativity yeah and it just feels like a lot so, but I do it because it brings them joy and that's worth it. The the part that I got spicy about and she did get spicy go on. People had balloon arches and banners made to welcome their elves no, no, so many.
Speaker 1:And I thought she was making that up. And then I just started like I don't do a lot of scrolling and so I don't see a ton of stuff. And then, after she said that, I started scrolling and I was like holy shit, I mean my whole feed was flooded with moms going over the top. I mean there was one elf riding a balloon rocket a friend that lives in Huntsville riding a rocket into their living room with all these gifts underneath for the children. And I was like how is this? My thing is this, how is it sustainable? And what's the expectation that you're setting for your children and for yourself? Like, how are you going to measure up against that? It's just like how to feel, like a failure every freaking day if you don't hit the major mark again, like I don't know.
Speaker 3:So we're talking about? You said like people had balloon arches and stuff. Are your friends, or like parents of your children's friends or people in social media?
Speaker 2:None of my direct, for like my tier ones didn't do it. But people that I'm friends on social media with their moms in the neighborhood I mean my mom friends and I joke about it Like we're like where'd you put the elf today? And my best friend was like I put it in the pet food container because I couldn't think of anything else and like it was the best I could do. And her kid loved it because kids like pure simple things. And she's like where's the elf?
Speaker 3:oh, my gosh. I got in the dog food like had to look for the elf. Yeah, I, I really just uh, I thought the elf thing was kind of a funny, fun thing. I did not do any of the nonsense.
Speaker 2:I don't think I hated it until I'm like. My kids are coming home and they're, like you know, Jane's elf chartered Delta one to bring her in from the North pole.
Speaker 3:Yeah, different kind of elf. I would explain. I would say, look, we have a bluff park elf and here's what our elf does. Our elf just hides.
Speaker 1:We had a hiding elf, the conversation that I had with Clay when he was like probably seven or eight. I'll never forget it. So this is back when you would give him like a catalog to like pick what do you want, you know like make your wishlist or whatever. And he went through and when he gave me that catalog back and there was a go-kart, a motorcycle, a drum set, an iPad, like all these things were, and I was like, okay, and Clay, if Clay were here in his defense he would say this is a pretty damaging moment for him in his childhood. But I was like I need you to understand this is what I said the first year when he was out of control. I was like I have to send money to Santa. Okay, so everybody gets different stuff because everybody's budget that they can send to Santa. Santa has to make all these gifts and then he has to deliver them and there's like fees associated with that and I have to send him money Fees associated.
Speaker 1:And he was like oh, and I was like so this isn't unlimited. You can't just like unlimitedly want everything that you see. I was like you just have to understand like you're going to have to pick one of those things that you circled and that was the beginning. You know where it escalated to was me being like Do you believe there is a bunny rabbit that is hopping around this neighborhood? And he's like you're saying there's not an Easter bunny and I was like yes, and he was like well, what about Santa? And I was like you do the math, clay, you do the math. How old was he? He was seven and a half Seven.
Speaker 3:I was in first grade when I found out. I thought it was the best thing ever.
Speaker 1:I was like, oh, I know, and it's a secret, like I know what the adults know and no other kid knows it. You wouldn't think that my niece same thing, same thing, my niece. My sister never let my niece believe in Santa, but she told her it was a secret and that, like all the other kids believed and so like not to ruin that, and she really hasn't. She's 13 now and she never told anybody my brother, who will be here soon.
Speaker 3:I should get him to tell this and plug it back in. But I he was like real mad at my parents. I was so psyched, I figured it out and I called my mom. I was like, hey, come on, come here, come here, come here. I was like this isn't real right. And she's like no, no. And I was like, well, what about this? None of these are. She's like no, no, they're not. Uh, she's like we just do that for fun.
Speaker 2:I was like yes, got it.
Speaker 3:He took the opposite approach of like how have you been lying to me like this? He was a 40-year-old man in first grade.
Speaker 1:So was Clay. Clay was so upset he was like this is devastating news. I mean because, clay, this is why I had to tell him For his eighth, going into his eighth year he asked in his letter to Santa, after I told him there was a budget, then he decided he would ask for something that didn't need any budget, just a little magic. He was like I don't even need you know what?
Speaker 2:no, money this year. I need a baby brother.
Speaker 1:Nope. He said I want you to make me a vampire, and I was like it's free, all. Right, I got to tell you something, biden.
Speaker 3:I was like it's free All right, I got to tell you something I was like.
Speaker 1:I was like, well, vampires aren't real. And he was like what? And I was like in the Easter bunny and he was like what? And he was like and Santa, I was like it's going to sound really bad.
Speaker 3:He was devastated. All those band-aids at the same time.
Speaker 1:Same time.
Speaker 3:But here's his thing. But yeah, so with the elf or whatever, I really just from the beginning it was like okay, and I don't even remember how much they believed at that point Liam probably still did but it was just like he's a hiding elf and he can like see it because he's hiding somewhere, and that's it. He didn't get into mischief, they just had fun every morning, a good laugh at that all right.
Speaker 1:So I feel like there's a mom, a dad and aunt, whoever who's listening, maybe a grandma who stepped in, granddaddy who stepped into parenting role, who feels a lot of pressure because of what the societal norm is right now. It's just so extra, I like with all of these things. So what do you say to that parent who's, just like you know, drawing on a mustache with an Expo marker? This is the best we got, but it was hilarious, by the way.
Speaker 3:You did really great with that one. It was really funny.
Speaker 1:It was very funny. But what do we say to those parents who feel a little inundated with?
Speaker 2:I mean, obviously this is comparison, kind of seeping in, but like it's heavy in this season. Well, I think there's two parts and one is less Grinch like than the other. Um, the first is I think some of it probably does bring joy to the parents, like that they get to do this for their child.
Speaker 2:And so when I say here I mean sit here and sound like such a jerk. Um, I know that part of it comes from. I can do this for my kid and I'm going to, and that's really great. The second part is we're such a society attached to stuff and then making sure everyone knows that we have the stuff, and what we know with every bit of research there is that the stuff doesn't make us happy. So we set these little people up for the more stuff you have and the bigger and the better you're going to be full of joy and the more extravagant yeah.
Speaker 2:And then when they aren't, it's really devastating.
Speaker 1:Mm, hmm, and they're kind of pulled in early to the vortex of that illusion of perfection, which we know doesn't exist, or the illusion that eventually I'll hit that mark and that thing will make me happy, that whatever the car I get when I'm 16, or the whatever. But like, that's not true and I don't know, is that what we're playing into when we're trying to make it look so perfect for Instagram and tell our friends that we made the balloon arch and we rode in on the rocket?
Speaker 2:Well, it's really hard to go the other way. So I have a friend in my neighborhood who I really admire her and I don't think I have this in me. They are allowed to ask for an experience for Christmas her kids.
Speaker 2:Just the best Every year they do a two-week trip, like one or two-week trip, but the children ask for it and they make a case for it like. This is why I want to go to whatever it is. This year they're doing hawaii. And then on epiphany which I'm grew up jewish, I don't know what that means they give one gift that day and her kids like get it and they love it, and I think so that's where the that's like the other side of this and I think that's really lovely. But I think that's really brave because of when you get back to school, what'd you get from Santa? You know, what'd you get for Christmas?
Speaker 1:You said how we're setting our kids up for failure, but how are we setting ourself up for failure when we do this?
Speaker 3:Make a big to-do. Do we have to live up to these standards? Because, like, my answer is just full stop, no, right, like you don't have to. If someone wants to do the balloon arch and like post that, great for them, if that's what makes them happy and whatever. But I don't think we should all have to live up to someone else's standards of how to celebrate or how to handle that. Well, you don't, but you're inundated with it.
Speaker 1:I think that's the point because of the way we live, it all have to live up to someone else's standards of how to celebrate or how to handle that. Well, you don't, but you're inundated with it. I think that's the point because of the way we live culturally. You're seeing these things and like you might not, because you're not following a bunch of moms necessarily. Well, maybe you are, I don't know.
Speaker 3:Do you have friends that are moms.
Speaker 1:Never correct me. Well, okay, anyways, how are we setting ourselves up for failure?
Speaker 2:So the part where we set ourselves up. That is 100% on the parent that is looking at Instagram. So when we see that and I will own that when I first saw it, my first feeling was, oh shit, I haven't done enough. And what parent hasn't felt have I not done enough? And what parent hasn't felt have I not done enough? And particularly, I spent so many years as a single mom. My kids didn't necessarily have the same experiences as other kids and I already carry that guilt, and so I had to acknowledge like what is this? Like what's my part in panicking over? Have I done enough, when I can promise you parents that are listening, no one has ever come to therapy and said my parents lied to me about Santa and I've never forgiven them for it. Are you sure?
Speaker 1:Never, please, never said that to you, just as a friend, Nope.
Speaker 2:And then no one has ever said to me I didn't get the balloon arch. When you know, Ruby Sue, my elf came, and so that's the important part that we have to remember is are we driving this because it's like pure joy and fun for us, or am I driving this because I believe that I haven't been enough or done enough for these little tiny people? Because these little tiny people that we're raising, you know what they need.
Speaker 1:Security Well time and to know that they're heard. They need no holes and cracks, and holes and cracks don't come from the elf flying or not flying on the balloon arch.
Speaker 2:Love and joy. And the other night Bobby was putting Gus to bed and Bobby is a new stepdad and he came out and was tearful and he's like all that kid wants is for him. Gus was showing Bobby something it was a video game and he was like he was so excited for me to listen for five minutes.
Speaker 1:I tell people, I tell people, I tell parents all the time. Well, one, I'm always like, hey, if I can do this, anyone, literally anyone, can. I actually just met a mom who found out she's pregnant today and she's like I don't, didn't want this, and I'm like, don't worry, you're 35 years old and you have gainful employment.
Speaker 1:You're going to be fine. You're going to kill it. But I think, like what I always say is 15 minutes. If you can give your children 15 minutes of looking at them, with no technology and asking them questions, even if they go fine, okay, I don't know, it doesn't matter, because that was literally all teenage years with my boys You're killing it and they will remember how that felt, that you were looking at them, listening to them, asking them questions, and I feel like that's stability, that's knowing you care.
Speaker 2:And I know I gave the example of I got a car. Um, you know I was 19. So it wasn't like I was seven when I got this car. But my Christmas memories as a child I don't even remember what I got. We played Christmas charades. You know, we smoked cigarettes at age nine. I'm just kidding. That's what it's all about. Is I remember these like little blips of like fun and joy and silly. Blips of like fun and joy and silly. And because we were the Jews that celebrated Christmas, one of our neighbors put a full light up nativity scene in our front yard as a joke and like. Those are the things that I have such memory of and that's what made it magical. Not because of the the balloon arch. Well, there wasn't balloon arches in the nineties.
Speaker 1:It was the cigarettes it was the vintageantage Regulars.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no same. I mean, like my biggest memories were that Reed and I, my brother and I, could not make it through Advent without laughing, like as my mom like read the Bible verse and stuff. We just couldn't do it and it you know now it would drive me crazy as a parent, but it drove them crazy and we just couldn't do it. Every year it was the thing. And every Christmas we have a half-court basketball shot competition and that's the thing that's our tradition Every year we see who can hit the most half-court shots.
Speaker 1:Okay, I was talking to a friend the other day who was telling me that she got an advent calendar for her two daughters and she was like, and then you know, it's this big production now because, like I, they get, they open the day and then they then they there's a scavenger hunt, there's a note in it and they look for a gift and then they open a gift. And I was like, do you know what Advent is? She was like no, and I was like it's literally the exercise of waiting. Like that's actually what the whole thing is about. It's the days of longing and waiting for something and you're giving them a gift every day. And I was like you don't have to believe that, but that's actually what Advent is about. It's the coming.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's the final countdown. It's the countdown there.
Speaker 1:I was dying. I was like well, that's you know what you do you.
Speaker 2:So I think the moral of the story even though I sounded like a judgmental asshole in the beginning of this is if it brings you joy, cool. If you were more on my side of like oh shit, have I done enough? You've done enough.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's the whole thing is like. If it brings you joy, awesome, do that. But like I'm not going to have a gender reveal party, even though lots of couples love to do that, I'm not gonna do that. Nor do I feel pressure to do that just because other people on social media do it, and no one should feel pressure.
Speaker 1:You're not going to trick your friends into therapy for a weekend. You're not going to do that.
Speaker 3:That doesn't bring you joy, only I do that.
Speaker 1:And well you're invited to a weekend getaway in. January you and Danielle.
Speaker 3:It's a lie, Gosh. I am so busy in 2025.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that, like I wrote down some notes when Claire and I were talking earlier of just like obviously you're in a season where it's really easy to get caught up on the details of did you do everything perfectly or all the presents wrapped exactly the way you wanted them to? Please, don't sweat the small stuff, like. Your kids are not going to remember how their presents were wrapped. They are going to remember how you made them feel, how seen they were, how much fun they had. The memories you're making. Um, don't feel like you have to be a superhero. You don't have to do what everybody else is doing. Just don't get into the crazy. Don't get sucked into the social media vortex of what a perfect family is allegedly supposed to look like. That's not real. Whatever your family looks like is perfect. It's perfect for your family.
Speaker 2:Go ahead and watch the Martha Stewart documentary.
Speaker 3:Yes, we mentioned that in the last episode as well.
Speaker 2:She makes things look beautiful. And what a nightmare it was, holy shit.
Speaker 1:Listen, God. If you haven't watched it yet, please make that part of your Christmas regimen, because hearing her say things like as she's walking to her garden, I am very upset about these peonies, yeah.
Speaker 3:Claire, after you mentioned it last episode. The next night or two we watched it Two dead peonies. Yeah, claire, after you mentioned it last episode.
Speaker 2:Like the next night or two, we watched it. Two dead peonies. I'm very unhappy about that Very unhappy, very unhappy. I loved it, yeah. So I think and this is the like hippie Claire coming out and I'm fine with welcoming her into the space, but, like when it's just based in, like love and goodness, it will be just love and goodness.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and don't be afraid to ditch social media for the holidays. You don't have to have that shit.
Speaker 2:I'm going to keep watching the balloon arches. I like to hate follow every now and then.
Speaker 1:First of all, she's going to keep sending them to me. We'll start including you, Will? We want you to see what we're seeing.
Speaker 3:It's okay, but then is it gonna like target me with stuff?
Speaker 1:yes, god, I hope so for you page.
Speaker 3:All the way, baby uh, the experience that we don't do, experiences like, uh, hawaii or whatever. But I tried this year. I was like what's gonna be a fun like thing we can do as a family, and so we watched that show hot ones where you eat the hot, it's a sean hey or sean evans. Sean evans totally different. Sean uh, where you interview like the most famous people in the world and they eat really hot stuff.
Speaker 3:So we bought the lineup of the hot sauces from Hot Ones and the kids don't know it. We're going to do and have friends come over and I'm going to be the interviewer and I'm going to interview everybody as we eat the crazy hot wings.
Speaker 2:Are you going to put it on wings?
Speaker 3:Yeah, wings, are you going to put it?
Speaker 2:on wings yeah, wings, yeah, yeah, that is fun.
Speaker 3:It's going to be fun. Y'all should come.
Speaker 2:I would love to.
Speaker 1:That's a Christmas party, I'll attend I would like to be in the audience for that.
Speaker 2:I don't have to go to one holiday party this year.
Speaker 1:Wait, what do you mean? You weren't invited Partially.
Speaker 2:But we leave for Utah on the 20th. I'm in yoga teacher training the weekend before You're out.
Speaker 1:I'm out, out, out out.
Speaker 3:Speaking of yoga, we are definitely going to be hosting a very small retreat yoga retreat on the lake in February late February, I was about to say like I can't wait to do I'm not at a retreat because this feels like a trap. It is a trap, but I do about to say like I can't wait to do you. I'm not at a retreat Cause this feels like a trap. It is a trap but I do want to do yoga at some point.
Speaker 1:I want to we would like for you to make an appearance and you'll be the guest of honor. You can only come for a little while because it'll be women.
Speaker 3:I hosted an all women's thing recently and I told them about that. This, I told them about that this one went swimmingly and it was like a ton of fun. But I told them how nervous I was when I just did the very quick, the five minute.
Speaker 1:Q and A.
Speaker 3:Well, it was just it was a smaller group. The thing I hosted recently where I was the only male in the room was like hundreds of women and that was great Cause I don't have to make eye contact and the jokes can.
Speaker 1:Yeah, whatever can go over people's heads this was like staring at a room of like 20 people. So what we're saying is in february 2025 we're gonna do a little exposure therapy for will and host a retreat, and that means you get to like spend the night with us yes, yes, it's actually two nights and it's gonna be super fun private chef, really great yoga with claire, and obviously talking about our feelings, because would it even be with me at the lake if we weren't?
Speaker 1:and, to be clear, I will not be spending the night we know you're not invited for that, you're just invited for exposure therapy. Um hey, merry christmas. We uh hope that it's no pressure and super easy and happy Hanukkah, thank you for including us.
Speaker 1:You're welcome and whatever else. Hey, thank you guys for listening. We love having you here. We're so happy to be back for season two. Please give us a review, share us with your friends and if you ever want to reach out and you have a topic you want us to cover or something that you're just wondering about, let us know before you cut bangs is hosted by claire fearman and laura quick and produced by me, will walk me the best.
