Before You Cut Bangs
Hosted by Laura Quick and Claire Fierman, “Before You Cut Bangs” is full of hilarious conversations about real life, common and uncommon crises, and possible cosmetic errors that come along with it. Through storytelling and therapeutic wisdom, Claire and Laura share how to NOT fuck up your hair (and life) while walking through similar situations,
Produced by Will Lochamy
Before You Cut Bangs
2.7 The Art of Listening: Beyond Fixing and Finding Connection
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Are you listening!? Will probably isn't. Laura and Claire explore the complexities of being a good listener, discussing different approaches to friends versus acquaintances, and the role personal boundaries play in these interactions.
Listening Without the Need to Fix
Speaker 1Welcome to , before you Cut Bangs . I'm Laura Quick and I'm Claire Fehrman . I am a professional storyteller and I'm currently working on my first book .
Speaker 2I have worked in mental health for many years in lots of capacities and this is a really important time to tell you our big disclaimer this is not therapy . We are not your therapists or coaches or anything like that .
Speaker 1Yeah , I mean you shouldn't really trust us very much at all , unless you want to and it turns out well , then you can trust us , that's great .
Speaker 3I've got a question .
Speaker 2Yeah , let's get to it . Praise the Lord .
Speaker 3If you had to listen to one album , if you could only listen to that album for the rest of your life you're stuck with that one album what would it be ?
Speaker 2Can it be two ?
Speaker 3Well , that'd be cheating , but sure .
Speaker 2Simon and Garfunkel , wednesday morning 3 am . Grateful Dead . American Beauty Okay .
Speaker 1I am stuck . Which out who's that by ? Yeah , laura Quick , I'm stuck which out who's that by ?
Speaker 1yeah , laura quick , I'm stuck the answer was Clayton oh , yeah , yeah , yeah his new EP out now on all streaming platforms , called shitty , which he literally did on purpose , because he's like I just want to look back at this and be like . In case I think it's shitty in a year or two years I'll be like yeah , so what ? Because his last song on that album is called Shitty Song . He wrote it for a girl . They went through a breakup and the girl he was dating her boyfriend wrote a really shitty song and released it and it went pretty big about her and so he wrote a song in response called shitty song .
Speaker 2So Alanis Morissette ?
Speaker 1Yeah , he's very 1990s for the 2003 , kid he is . Yeah , obviously my favorite album on repeat would be anything by Clayton or Coldplay . I mean , I got a lot of that nostalgic parachutes parachutes Like how can you be mad at that album ? It's still good .
Speaker 3Most people that aren't really into Coldplay much like that album it's what I hear from people . The Beatles the White Album .
Speaker 2It's a good one .
Speaker 3So many songs .
Speaker 1It kind of flows , that's a good one .
Speaker 3I haven't heard that album in a while . I remember getting that for Christmas actually it's the first album not that I purchased , but that I was wearing out to the point where Reed was like I think you need to take a break because you're going to hate that record if you continue this .
Speaker 1But that didn't happen . That's how I do . That's called ADHD .
Speaker 3That's what we do . I'm listening now . I'm listening .
Speaker 2That's perfect , because today we're talking about A listening and B appropriately and be appropriately using your voice .
Speaker 1I think is how I would say that , yeah , I think one of the things , one we're launching into a brand new year so it's 2025 now which is exciting .
Speaker 2Y'all have all joined Planet Fitness and are on a Whole30 or Keto . We know , we see you . We know what you've done , we see you .
Speaker 1Or maybe you haven't , and that's totally cool too . But at the end of the day it's a new year and we get to do things differently than maybe we've done them before .
Speaker 3And I should point out that this is another outside on the front porch episode , and so there's like a fire . You may hear there's a lawnmower , a blower or something going . So it's just you know .
Speaker 1You hear some nature tap , tap , tap with my fingernails . Okay , but truly I think one of the big overarching themes is how do you listen and not be tempted to fix Claire ?
Speaker 2we had this big movement about using your voice , speak your truth , which I think is hard for people and we can touch on that if we get to it . But to me , what is more difficult than speaking truth or what I've observed working with people , is listening to somebody else's , because it can be so uncomfortable and immediately if someone's telling us and I don't even mean in Will's biggest nightmare confrontation , I just mean something distressing , sad , hard , whatever it is , typically our nervous system responds tighten up , rapid heart rate , shortness of breath and we're either prepared to respond and fix like you're asking , let me tell you all the solutions or to defend and all that is is our way to self-soothe and you know what happens to that person talking , what they feel , so disconnected .
Speaker 1I think I'm gonna speak for myself like one of the things that I know is a struggle and has required a ton and the thing that changed me because I do think there's some things that happen in our lives that convince us listening is actually the nicest , kindest thing we can do for someone else , especially when they're giving you a hard part of their story or something really traumatic that happened to them .
Speaker 1Group therapy changed the trajectory of my life because in group , a great therapist will not let you make somebody feel like , won't let you soothe yourself in that moment moment which I think what Claire's saying is a lot of times like somebody shares something with you and you go , oh man , that is terrible , or how dare they , or whatever it is , whatever the response is , and instead that's like in group , you're allowed to say I resonate with that yeah , you tell how you relate yeah , I relate to that in blank , but I think that it taught me a lot , and so I have had to teach myself how to say what do you need from me in this moment , and give people an opportunity to say , hey , I need advice or I just need you to listen , because , man , I will , will .
Speaker 1I would love to build you a five point plan .
Speaker 2So what you're talking about
Navigating Friendship and Communication Styles
Speaker 2. And there's this newer book called secure love . I highly , highly , highly recommend it . Whether you're married , dating , single , it doesn't matter . Parent not parent , secure love is amazing .
Speaker 2Talking about this , and one of the first things the author Julie talks about is , um , when we can really really listen and hear someone , we also have to know what our need is , and so if you're in some kind of relationship and that person cannot identify what they need to feel connected to , you're kind of fucked . Sorry , thanks , that hits . So I'll throw me and Bobby right under the bus . So we went to couples therapy recently and I was really angry about some things , and I am usually the person in couples therapy that's like you go ahead , let me sit here and listen , but I was pissed and so I just like go for it .
Speaker 2And the therapist who's a therapist who sees therapists , like that's very key um for me . Um , she's like we're just gonna go back to basics , bobby , what I want you to look at Claire and tell her what she said . And he looks at her and is like sounds like she has a lot of high expectations and that therapist was . Well , I didn't hear her say that at all . Can you look at Claire and repeat back what you heard her say ? He's still looking at her and she's like no , I didn't hear her say that . Can you look at Claire ?
Speaker 2And poor Bobby man , he's so uncomfortable and he's getting red with that Scottish skin and I'm like and I really did feel bad in the moment , I wanted to cheat so bad and be like just think about it , man , what I just said and that precious therapist said what you're doing is so human . We get so worried about what our loved one is trying to say that we start working really hard and we cannot hear her . And he's like you're right , I didn't listen at all and like but it was like such freedom for him to be told like you were so scared , you were so worried that you just couldn't do it and it was great . Well , you want to get it right ?
Speaker 1I think I did . Obviously you did get it right when he had a turn .
Speaker 2She's like Claire . What did you hear him say ?
Speaker 1And I was like well , actually I'll verbatim give it back to you right now he said blanking , blanking , blanking .
Speaker 1I will win . And I think , like mirroring is something that I do a lot and work like . Obviously I have clients who are dumping like oh my gosh , here's all the things , and so mirroring back to people is something I do for a day-to-day part of my job . But that's not necessarily what a person , a friend , who comes to you and they tell you oh my god , here's this heavy thing that just happened , whether it's like something with their kids or something in their relationship or a deep loss or whatever and I'm just like geared to be a fixer . I want to fix it for you , I want to make it better , and so it's why Because , claire , it makes me feel valuable and listening makes me feel stupid . I mean , it's like not really stupid , but I think it makes me feel a little helpless . Are you a fixer ?
Speaker 3No , I was gonna say , because a lot of times like no look within my you know core group or whatever , but no , because a lot of times , like now , look within my you know core group or whatever , but no , because a lot of times like that's none of my business , that's so beautiful . It is Well . Also . It makes me feel selfish , though .
Speaker 2Say more about that .
Speaker 3Well , okay , I'm a bad listener . For one Right , which is kind of different than what we were just saying Go ahead . But that is based purely on my , like , chemical makeup . It's not trying to be selfish or not caring or whatever , it's just that it's like reading a book . I can , you know , read a chapter and have no idea what I read , even though I'm the one reading it , because my brain can be thinking about something else . And that's the same thing in conversation sometimes with people where I realize , like oh , you've left the building .
Speaker 3Yeah , Like I don't know what they just said . I was trying Whatever , so that I'm just inherently a bad listener , but also it's that whole thing of like other people . It's why I could not care any less about any like celebrity couple or any couple that is not actually that I'm involved with like talking to all the time , because I don't . Why do I need that ? Why do I need that drama ?
Speaker 1Well , I don't , why do I need that ? Why do I need that drama ? Well , and I think you've just I wrote down something too earlier when we were kind of talking about this is like tier one friends , like how you listen to your tier one friends and how you listen to a tier two or tier three . To me they're different , because if I call you and I say here's what just happened , you don't really have to ask me . Are you asking me ? For if I called you , it's because I'm freaking out and I need you .
Speaker 3I still ask you that you do you do she's so kind about that I bet even like tier two , tier three friends I would be like oh yeah , tell me , I'll try to give them advice on something relationship-wise or whatever .
Speaker 1I'm just talking about people that I'm not really Well like . Yeah , but hopefully those people aren't trauma bombing you right in public . But I do think , like I find myself I never try to give advice to the cashier . I don't even though I have the face , and the cashier is like do you know what just happened to me and my son ? We haven't talked in three years and I don't even know if he's coming for Christmas this year . Like I have that face . People tell me those things and I'm always like that sounds really hard . How much is it , you know ?
Speaker 2like is there a coupon for that ? So y'all are talking about two very different reasons of not listening Bobby's more on you like he'll kind of drift away into something else , and I see it in his eyes and that doesn't bother me . I mean it can be annoying to be honest , but it's , it doesn't feel malicious . I'm always like come on back , we got this , you know . And then you're talking about a sense of urgency your discomfort is distressing to me . So here's 27 things in order , with an appendix to make it better .
Speaker 1Five point plan I've actually created a PowerPoint presentation that I would love to go through as you were talking .
Speaker 1It's in my brain , but I'll project it . I think it's the same thing for me , like I'll and it's . I am an active listener . I listen to , really hear people , but it's mostly because of the way my brain works and as a strategist . So I'm thinking about a strategy , but I am really listening because this is how I'm programmed at work . So I'm always thinking about how to solve problems because it's what I get paid to do , but that's not necessarily great for friends who don't want me to fix their shit okay , but like with danielle , if she's telling me a work thing like oh listen to this terrible thing , whatever I am thinking about solutions for it , as she's talking to me , should I not be doing that ?
Speaker 2Does she want a solution ?
Speaker 3Well , I guess that's why she's telling me about it , right ?
Speaker 2That's . Yeah , that's probably the one In like basic psychotherapy , if you just tell your story and the puzzle pieces fit together , we typically have relief of symptomology . Okay , just sharing that's even without a therapist saying here's some strategy , here's maybe you should talk to a psychiatrist . That's . Even before that , we typically find some amount of like a reduction of symptoms . Because I said it out loud , I saw him .
Speaker 2Yeah , and I'm like , oh , and I'm connecting the good dots , Like a good therapist is just like shine a light here , shine a light here , You're the expert , meaning the client , Boom . So I would see what Daniel's response is . Is next time she tells you something ? If she'd be like do you have a fever ? If you were like do you want me to just listen or do you want some ideas ?
Speaker 3Okay , and we don't have . It's nothing weird .
Speaker 2I mean usually it is just a discussion . I think she always is like what should I do about this or whatever ? Didn't hear anything weird . Nothing weird .
Speaker 1You're great , you're doing everything right and I think , like that has been , and that's probably my you want to help the people you love . I don't want you to be in distress , but most of the time I'm soothing myself if I step into your story and try to fix it for you . Instead of asking the question like , do you want me to listen or do you want some ideas ? Are you looking for me to help ? And my friends now it's kind of the thing I say , and so they'll say no , no , I want your ideas . Or hey , listen , put your idea hat on , I need help with this . Or hey , I think we might have to kill . I have a friend , literally , who is like we're going to kill these bitches who did this event Like they're trying to come after me .
Speaker 1I'm like we ride at dawn , let's go , you know . So again , obviously it would not actually really kill anyone . Please know that . But I think helping people strategically is something that people know I love doing , but I don't want to do that for people who don't want it . I don't want to try and fix things that don't actually need to be fixed , because you become your own solution person if you just get to say it out loud sometimes so what both of y'all are describing , even though they're different , there's things to do , like if you're a drifter , which I just watched you drift away .
Speaker 3I was listening , though .
Speaker 2I heard you okay , I see it . Yeah , but I can do , I can listen to multiple things there .
Speaker 2I can , yeah , all right um , basically , I have to prep bobby . We even had one this morning . I was like , hey , I have an idea , but I don't want . I mean , this sounds cold . But I knew what I needed . I knew if I shared an idea and he told me the ways to do it better or if it was wrong , that I would become defensive and unheard and that's really painful for me . So I was like I have an idea about our house and that's a big sticky point I think , probably in a lot of marriages . What are we going to do ? Buy , sell , build , whatever ? We had these discussions a thousand times and my request was I'm just hoping to share , like my dream with you . It's just a dream . I'm not getting a second mortgage , I haven't hired an architect , I've thought about all of those things , but I want you to hear my dream and listen . And he listened and he's like that is a really good idea . And I see him pause and he's like how do you want to pay for it ?
Speaker 2And I was like nope , and I was like just dreams , just dreams .
Speaker 2And he was like okay , he was like that's a really lovely dream . I was like perfect . So that was his discomfort . That's how he's super , super wired . And so to me , everybody's work in any kind of listening , whether it's professionally , in any kind of relationship with Laura's Uber driver , it's how do I soothe myself so this person feels connected to . And when I say soothe , I don't I mean for Bobby and Will . It's not like y'all are crying because we're sharing something that happened at work . It's my mind has a tendency to wander off . Can I pay attention to my feet on the floor ? Can I focus on my partner's eyes , you know , or whatever it is , or something she's holding so I can stay focused ? And for you it's like quiet , quiet , quiet . Feel my feet as well . What can I focus on ? Because both of y'all have to soothe . It's just busyness in there .
Speaker 1And I think like I'm still working on it Same . I'm still working on how to make sure that I'm genuinely staying engaged and not taking away someone's , because I do think that's what I do when I jump the gun to go solution Take away somebody's pain , take away their pain , which is is impossible , by the way , right can you
Healing Through Authentic Communication
Speaker 1not help ?
Speaker 3you can help with their pain .
Speaker 2Oh my gosh , yes , but I think the like . The premise of this is like , literally , someone hearing me reduces symptomology without solution , and I think that's the therapeutic side , right ?
Speaker 1is that just letting someone be heard is actually a big relief . So if they're in a pressure cooker which a lot of times that's how it feels if something feels super overwhelming and you pick up the phone and you you phone a friend and you're like oh my god , this thing just happened . Whether it's traumatic or hard , or a fight with a partner or whatever it is , you just saying it to someone releases some of the pressure on the pressure cooker .
Speaker 2Yes , so , and let's flip it to talking okay . So , um , theoretically and this is actually I couldn't even name what research this is from this is more like hippie folklore . Seems like a stretch hippie dippy yoga .
Speaker 2Claire is in the building , folks theoretically between the ages of 7 to 12 . Developmentally , if you had something traumatic happen to you and I mean small trauma , big , whatever you're less likely to um , have strength in your voice , less clear , and you can do work and redeem all of that but or heal all of that . So , um , but I don't mean less likely to use my voice , just in the sense of I'm quiet and I don't share the truth . Sometimes people are overly vocal .
Speaker 1You're kidding . I've never met anyone that had a trauma between the ages of 7 and 12 . Who's overly ?
Speaker 2vocal , so it can really go both of those ways . What the fuck are you serious ? Are you fucking with me right now ?
Speaker 1no , I didn't realize that specific age was a thing . Oh yeah , that a lot of things make sense for me in this moment . Just write me a check after this , okay , so this here , comes the hippie part throat chakra .
Speaker 2Okay , so right here , Um , and like I said earlier , we went through this big thing of like use your voice and be authentic . Well , some of y'all didn't shut the fuck up and you're crying on Instagram .
Speaker 1Okay , well , I'm not doing that , but I didn't mean yes .
Speaker 2Yeah . So what I'm saying is is we had this idea that all of us were being quiet and keeping all these things to ourselves , and that is very true for a lot of people . And then other people swung so hard into really crazy over vocalization or and I'm totally guilty of this Mine isn't necessarily . I'm too quiet . Sometimes I'm like you're misunderstanding me . All I want is to be understood . So I'm totally guilty of this . Mine isn't necessarily . I'm too quiet . Sometimes I'm like you're misunderstanding me . All I want is to be understood . So I'm going to be loud and cry my eyes out and guess what ? Nobody's needs were met . Okay , so with each of these chakras , like our energy centers , today we're talking about our throat . It isn't just about talking , it's about can I listen and tolerate it ? The demon against the throat chakra and I love this is lies , and I don't think it means like crazy banana town lies which we've told good stories of , those particularly from Will's history , but not him lying , he just accommodates liars sometimes .
Speaker 1Will knows how to find a good liar .
Speaker 2It's like if I hold this and don't tell you the whole truth right now , that's a lie , so , lying , by omission , I'm going to leave out parts of this . So I'm comfortable and you're comfortable , but really we're both not in truth and you don't get relief , none .
Speaker 1So then you're comfortable , but really , we're both not , and you don't get relief , none so . So then you ? You're still a pressure cooker , yeah , and now you also have the guilt , or the shame that comes along with that little tiny mistruth you told , thinking you were accomplishing something , whatever that lie was convincing you of at the time .
Speaker 2And then we get to go back if we want to say when I shared that thing with you , I didn't say the whole truth . I really should have added this , and usually the other person's like what , Like , who cares ? Like you're all good but it feels so , exposing . So the demon is the lie whether I'm overly vocal or a more restrained person in my speech there's a lie somewhere , dear God , I did not realize that .
Speaker 1I'm not going to go deep into this . There's two things that came up for me . One , some psychotic shit that you've had me do over the time , and I always ask you for these things . But you know , one of the things that I'll do is if Claire's done anything , if she's got a guy or got a girl for something I'm always like he's like well , send her my way . I want to go check it out and also .
Speaker 2Shelly , are you talking about the massage ?
Speaker 1Yes , I have had gongs on my literal ass because she'll be like oh , this girl . So I went and sat down with a massage therapist recently , within the last 12 months , because Claire's like she's magical and I'm like great . So she sits you down , which no therapist has ever done , no massage therapist has ever done for me before . She sat me down and she was like why are you here ? And I was like you know , I just really like I've been going through a lot and I , you know I'm working on this book and like there's a lot of like stuff that's coming up for me , some related , some not related . Probably all of it's related . So I'm not related , probably all of it's related . And she's like great . And then she was like well , you know your body , your throat , like she was just saying , but your body is keeping the score . And I said I know .
Speaker 1And she said , no , you don't fucking know . And I was like I probably don't know . And then I had the weirdest fucking 55 minutes of my life . I don't even know how . She was sprinting around the room dinging all the dongs and the gongs . There was one literally on my ass . At one point she was standing on top of me . There's a lot happening . There are bells , there are chimes Chanting , a lot of .
Speaker 2She was like don't worry about the .
Speaker 3Did you not laugh .
Speaker 1I literally was underneath and all I could see was her feet darting around the room , and then , when they would disappear completely , I would be like she's on top of me .
Speaker 2I don't know what she did to me , but I start crying so loud .
Speaker 1What I was weeping . I was weeping .
Speaker 2I wish I could say it was weeping for me , but it was like I am not even going to say it .
Speaker 3I would be crying from laughing .
Speaker 2You would think that I have laughed in situations like that , where I'm like okay , this is cuckoo , there was no laughter . I wish I had laughed . I've had two massages like that .
Speaker 1Okay , I brought that up because it's a great story . It's a great story One . The body keeping the score is a real thing . So , thinking about your throat , if you were a child who was told you can't use your voice , then a lot of times I mean a reoccurring dream I have is that I'm screaming and there's nothing coming out .
Speaker 1I've had that my whole , my whole life Like . I cannot remember a time where I didn't dream that dream . Clearly , I'm loud as fuck , so we all know I don't have a problem using my voice now , but that's one thing , and so that makes a lot of sense .
Navigating Communication and Understanding Needs
Speaker 1Another lady you sent me to not weird , super sweet , the lady in Mountain Brook , what's her name that you were like she will help you , and then I saw colors and she was like use your voice . What does Anita say ?
Speaker 2I don't remember . I've been a shocker lady A lot of .
Speaker 2Of course she does , but that lady really helped me and I had like a really tender moment with myself , which I don't have that often , and so I think , anyways , I'm just saying , like the , your body does know what happened to you , even if you you forgot so what you're talking about in those experiences when you didn't even have to have words , but like weeping or sound , or someone was like oh , there's this color , even if it was total placebo which I don't think it was placebo when I was wailing like a psychopath on Bridget's table .
Speaker 2Well , Bridget , thanks Bridget but all it's like you didn't even have to have these direct words of what made you feel seen and important and understood . And so if you're listening and you're like cool throat chakra , what am I supposed to do with it ? Well , first and this I love this like listening to music in your car and singing , like that vibration , like I listened in its entirety to the sound of music soundtrack last night on my drive home from the beach . Of course you did Sang every song and it just felt so good , therapeutic , like I didn't have to go tell people about my problems yesterday or whatever , like you literally just get to use your voice and it doesn't have to be in this overshary , whatever way . And then you have to be really , if you're connecting with a partner , you have to know what your need is when you're connecting with them . Meaning and we'll use a really benign example , danielle and Will , she's probably like this crazy thing happened at work and you're my partner and I love you . Tell me what you think .
Speaker 3Done .
Speaker 2So she probably y'all probably already have that understanding With Bobby today in the house . Hey , I have this dream and I just want to say it out loud . And he got it 90% you know , Um . So I have to be very clear , and it makes it a lot easier if your partner's very clear on what they need , which is very tricky because if , if they're lashing out at you and you're like , but what do you need , I am available , and they're like throwing darts or spaghetti or whatever , Whatever the saying is , we don't know .
Speaker 2And you're like that just doesn't make a lot of sense . That's their work , not yours .
Speaker 1Well , and I would say too , if you're in a relationship with someone who's kind of a fixer and you know that , like you , even in a friendship , I would say sacrificial advice , tell them up front . Hey , I just want you to hear me , can you just listen ? Kind of like what you did with the . I just want to share this dream with you . I'm not saying this is what we should do with the house , it's just a dream that it was what I was saying , but I didn't say this otherwise you could just type it into like a little diary or something .
Speaker 3You want him to hear it because you want it in some way to become a reality .
Speaker 2So yeah , so what I realized was and this is part of my stuff I can be incredibly direct , and that's when I'm a poor listener . I'm a great listener in my office . I think I'm a great listener as a friend . The closer the relationship is typically my mother and my husband I get really direct . I can be kind of bulldozer and I think that that was hard for Bobby . So I'd be like , well , and I've done this and this . I can't believe . I'm admitting it . He's come home and I'm like , um , there is a builder coming over for to discuss what plans we want for the house , and he's like okie dokie . I made him feel super small , really unsafe . He's very logical , very frugal and in my like , we're going to have a dream house . It really scared him . So it hit me today that I've never just said it of like , what do I want ? And it doesn't really matter today how we get there , but will you just listen to what I want instead of me bulldozing you ?
Speaker 1Bro , I literally one of the only big toasts that happened at my wedding was from a creative director that worked for me for a long time and he's amazing , he's still a friend . He stood up and gave a toast and said Laura is the type of person that will run right over you , bulldoze you , Thank you , and you will be better for it . And I was like I wanted to throw up . It felt so gross because I was like , oh God , and I what you said about the closer the relationship , so the more trust I feel like is there , the more direct I can be . That doesn't mean that's what they want , Correct . It doesn't even mean that's what they need . It's just what I feel most comfortable doing .
Speaker 1Clay and Shane get the worst , most direct version of me for sure . Clay will call me and just be like so pumped about an idea and I'll be like , if you don't have this , this , this , this and this done , you're getting screwed . It's not going to work . He just threw a show and I was adamantly opposed . I'm like you , event planning is a career , Clay , you do not event plan . Here's all the reasons you shouldn't do it and you're going to lose your ass . And he , freaking , he was like thank you for your feedback .
Speaker 2I'm still doing it and he did it . I mean because your fears bulldozed him and so my whatever the reason is , and we don't , it's not important about this whole house thing . I was disconnecting from my spouse in an attempt to connect over and over and over again , and I was so overly vocal about something and I couldn't bring myself to see the discomfort because I was like , why would you be uncomfortable about building my perfect southern living dream home ?
Speaker 2just write me a check you won't even have to do anything , you know um , and then when I like softened it and was like will you just listen , even if you hate my idea , just zip it . And we did .
Speaker 1Well , I think what we know is I still have a lot of work to do on listening . I think that's what I learned . Glad you got a takeaway . This feels like a therapy . Is this an intervention for me ? Actually , I came up with this damn subject . What an asshole .
Speaker 2See your body kept the score and was like I need Claire and Will to sit and listen to me . So , to me , morals of today's story listening and knowing what you need is an incredibly important part of connecting with anyone that you're close to . Understanding what your partner needs and meaning like do they even know what they need ? And if they don't know what they need , that's their work and you can like offer that to them . Um , we can have an overly active throat chakra and we can have an under active throat chakra , and that's for you to go discover . Did something happen to me where I had to overuse my voice , or did I learn to become small ? In what areas ? So all of this is truly going back to ?
Speaker 1can I sit still and be quiet and know what I need , and some things that you said that I feel like are really important to reiterate is , if you're the person who is like me and you struggle because you really want to fix everything for everyone , that it makes a lot of sense to remember . My feet are on the ground . I'm here in this moment with this person , I'm holding space for them and it's not my job to fix it unless they ask me for help .
Speaker 3I'm realizing this through this whole episode , that my eyes wander like crazy , because yeah , because normally we're not talking about this during the show , so it's okay that my eyes wander and we're outside , so like neighbors are coming by and there's a fire .
Speaker 1Will is literally waved at every person . They're wading at me . He is the actual president of this neighborhood .
Speaker 3Out of like the seven people and even the FedEx guy . I can tell you five of their names , At least that FedEx guy and I talk all the time . What a listener he comes up to the porch and we talk about stuff .
Speaker 1What a guy porch . And we talk about stuff . What a guy . And also , can we just talk about this nice porch that was built by the one and only ?
Speaker 3Will Well , I built the furniture and finished it , but yeah .
Speaker 1I mean , all right , y'all Happy New Year . Thank you for being with us . Hey , thank you guys for listening . We love having you here . We're so happy to be back for season two . Please give us a review , share us with your friends , and if you ever want to reach out and you have a topic you want us to cover or something that you're just wondering about , let us know .
Speaker 3Before you Cut Bangs is hosted by Claire Fehrman and Laura Quick and produced by me , Will Ockamy the best .
