Before You Cut Bangs
Hosted by Laura Quick and Claire Fierman, “Before You Cut Bangs” is full of hilarious conversations about real life, common and uncommon crises, and possible cosmetic errors that come along with it. Through storytelling and therapeutic wisdom, Claire and Laura share how to NOT fuck up your hair (and life) while walking through similar situations,
Produced by Will Lochamy
Before You Cut Bangs
2.9 Proceed with Caution (and Confidence)
Ever look at someone and think, Wow, they really have it all figured out? Yeah… us neither. But a listener wrote in and asked about confidence—where it comes from, how to get it, and whether we just wake up feeling like we run the world (spoiler: we don’t).
In this episode, we’re peeling back the layers of confidence—how it’s less about knowing everything and more about surviving discomfort over and over again. We talk about imposter syndrome, faking it (until one day you’re not), and the hard truth that confidence isn’t something you get—it’s something you build. Sometimes that means failing. Sometimes it just means doing something terrifying and pretending you’re fine while you do it.
So before you make any bold moves (like, say… cutting bangs), tune in for a real talk on what confidence actually takes—and why it’s totally worth the discomfort.
Welcome to, before you Cut Bangs. I'm Laura Quick and I'm Claire Fehrman. I am a professional storyteller and I'm currently working on my first book.
Speaker 2:I have worked in mental health for many years in lots of capacities and this is a really important time to tell you our big disclaimer this is not therapy. We are not your therapists or coaches or anything like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean you shouldn't really trust us very much at all. Unless you want to and it turns out well, then you can trust us. That's great.
Speaker 2:Okay. Well, we're going to start. What is the?
Speaker 1:It's going good. You're doing great. Good start. All right, you're killing it.
Speaker 2:That's funny that this episode is on confidence and y'all are being jerks about it. I was pausing to see how I wanted to word it, but I'll just say it off the cuff. What is something that you have done publicly that has gone really poorly? It could be any age adult age, adult, childhood, whatever I have so many oh, I thought you might have what?
Speaker 1:no, I have so many failures, epic failures. I mean I've already told y'all the the skirt and the neon highlighter thong. I mean that was my debut in Birmingham walking around a restaurant that was opening yeah. I was pretty tragic that one really stands out as like a moment to be like mortified by forever. I don't feel shame, but I do feel like a ick when I think of it, like didn't even feel that breeze on your ass, dark time.
Speaker 2:I hate it for you that happened to me once at a party with the skirt, but that's not even the worst thing that's ever I've ever done.
Speaker 1:Oh, oh, I've got way, I mean, some things that I wouldn't even say on here, that are just like so mortifying.
Speaker 3:Well, yeah, well, so because of my job, half of my day is public yeah like and I learn like we're in a time over the last whatever I mean forever, there's always is a thing where times change and some things that are acceptable become unacceptable totally. I learned that generally talking into a microphone and where the person I'm interviewing says oh you can't say that.
Speaker 1:You can't call me that and and you're, and, you're like, and you're like live normally, oh yeah always, I mean, except for this, like that, yeah, um, anyway.
Speaker 3:So I I say things that, uh, I thought were the correct things to say and find out they're not, and I think of it as a learning lesson for everyone, for all the listeners. I'm just out there as a scapegoat and uh yeah I will say that is.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I. I did say something very politically incorrect once in a meeting and just wish I could roll the tape back. Sure Couldn't, and the potential client passed, obviously, but also corrected me in a follow-up the client's deceased Follow-up email. I think they're probably still alive okay, but they declined. They passed on the service they passed on me yeah, it was a no solid.
Speaker 3:I'm looking for a specific time where you did something stupid that you can say both of you y'all are giving vague scenarios okay, well, uh, I had someone on the show and this was a very long time ago, 12 years ago probably of mixed race and I said I know what you said. Yeah, I didn't know, so I said something about. I've always thought that.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 3:Whatever, it was a compliment. It was a compliment, it was supposed to be a compliment.
Speaker 1:That's how you meant it. Yes, your intention was.
Speaker 3:I thought some of the most beautiful people I've ever met of either race were mulatto. And you can't say that. And they immediately. I didn't know At the time that was a phrase that had been, I'd heard it a thousand times For sure. 100%, not just my racist uncle, but just from like everybody yes uh. And they quickly said like oh uh, you know, we don't, we don't say that. And I was like we don't, we don't say that, what?
Speaker 3:do we say and so, yeah, it turns out. So I think mulatto is uh like means mule, which is you know, mule is like oh, a mix of a horse and a donkey. A horse and a donkey and they're like dumb and the whole, like it's a whole yeah.
Speaker 2:But you didn't mean it that way.
Speaker 3:No, I did not mean it that way at all.
Speaker 2:Out of anyone in this group. I'm sorry that happened. I know same.
Speaker 3:That sounds like something that could happen to me at any moment, but and I could be that's how it was explained to me of like no, you know what that means, actually, and I was like no, I don't tell me I want, I would like to give you something specific and I would love to tell y'all like oh, it never happens to me, or has it happened?
Speaker 1:I think it happens so often it's hard for me to pick yeah to pick, because I at least once a week, I'm like wow, that was stupid, you shouldn't have said that I mean I think there's a difference in like embarrassment and falsely confident, whatever we'll get to it.
Speaker 1:But I said my dream recently in a client meeting and immediately was like I shouldn't have said that. What did you say? I was talking about creative masturbation and how some people are just trying to have a wet dream. What kind of business meeting was this? I? I don't want to talk about it. It was actually. Take that out, never don't put that in.
Speaker 2:Stay in miss.
Speaker 1:No Wet dream in a meeting. No, I listen. I said it as this, like I was trying to make a point about how, in the business that I'm in from a creative agency standpoint, a lot of times when people are hiring creative agencies, the creative agency just wants to be so creative and it becomes like creative masturbation and is never, ever tied to your revenue. Now I would like for y'all to know that I won't be using that anymore. Sure, okay, the client loved it. They did hire us. They were like, yes, this is a problem, this is the mouth I'm looking for. Oh Jesus, that client loved it. They did hire us. They were like, yes, this is a problem, we're mouth I'm looking for. Oh Jesus, that's so gross. But yeah, I'm no. I mean like, yeah, you know, I do have a good, I'd have a trash mouth, all right. Anyways, if you could take all that out, actually, and if you could take all that, out actually, and we definitely I don't know, it's pretty good, Pretty good Um.
Speaker 2:I have several um, but this one isn't like a jarring story. But when you're getting your master's in therapy or counseling, you have to film yourself in the therapy session, like as the therapist. It is excruciating and I would say Most therapy students, if you're going in your 20s which a lot of people are you have this idea or ideal that you'll like fix people and give advice and solve their problems, and then school hammers that out of you. So I'm I like had this huge latte and it was in the video, video and I'd obviously had so much of it and I was so intense and like the guy, like he could see how intense I was and it made him really nervous and I'm like on the edge of my seat and like I talked too much and I talked too fast and I never saw him again obviously and then I had to play that video in the class and like I pumped myself up, I was like you know what?
Speaker 2:It's always in your mind, it's always worse, it's not that bad.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's probably great. Someone's been worse.
Speaker 2:There's in my head like the chicken fucking situation you know it was the worst in the class and that's never happened to me. Like you know, not will, but like if you go to the gynecologist and you're nervous, you're like god knows what they've seen. Like right, you pump yourself up, but oh, but if I'm nervous, I'm like this is nothing for them okay they've heard worse, they've seen worse, it's definitely gonna be, maybe the gynecologist was too extreme an example.
Speaker 3:But like I think about, that like, yeah, with most doctors the stuff they have to see, but especially so I convinced myself that there was gonna be worse.
Speaker 2:I'm making it out worse and like the whole class was like like everyone physically like withdrew. And then I was like I recognize that I was talking a lot and too fast and whatever. And the teacher I thought she would like placate me even a little bit and she's like I'm glad you're aware of where you've gone wrong and I was like it was excruciating and I've done far more embarrassing things, but that was one where I was just like crumbling inside.
Speaker 1:I've had. Yeah, I've had those moments. I feel like that one when you're on display for other people it's even worse.
Speaker 2:I could do it now and be like did you see what I just did?
Speaker 1:I think that y'all can see the brilliance of my performance in this. This is some Oscar shit, all right.
Speaker 3:I'm excited to find out what we're talking about today.
Speaker 2:A listener suggested a conversation on confidence, like how to have it when you have it, because she said we have it, which is really nice and somewhat true, but I had to really work for it. A lot of it was like blind confidence or a lot of fear, and I had a therapist tell me yesterday she's like, wow, you still run out of a lot of fear. And I was like that's quite enough of you. So we're going to talk about confidence what it is, what it isn't and how to get more of it so you can be just like Will.
Speaker 3:Oh what? No, I'm like the king of imposter syndrome.
Speaker 2:Say more.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I just feel like I have it because things have worked out musically and professionally, not that I haven't really tried and worked really hard to get where I am, but still some of the stuff I've done is kind of one in a million things and what I've done is I'll just say yes to things if I want it, even if I can't do it, and then I will learn to do it by the time it's time to do it.
Speaker 2:Because you have good work ethic.
Speaker 3:You do Maybe. Oh, if I care about it. Yeah, like if normal work ethic, like returning emails and stuff like that, like the worst work ethic, but if I have to like learn how to uh, you know, ride a unicycle, yeah, I'm gonna do that, all the journey songs, or? Play, yeah, journey songs or whatever. Like I, I will say yes, I can do that, which is gangster, by the way that you were able that really did happen and I hate that I wasn't there.
Speaker 1:I think that's a really interesting perspective, because I always tell people for a long time, especially women, one of the things that we're saying is like you just fake it till you make it. You know, you have to pretend your way into things, and I do agree with that. I think sometimes we forget to wake up and realize we've become really good at something, though. So something you used to fake, you were faking your way into it. One day you need to wake up and be like oh, like, I'm an expert at the things I used to say I was faking. You know, because 10 years ago, 15 years ago, when I might have been like, yes, I am starting a magazine or whatever, I'm a therapist.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly Hi.
Speaker 3:I think of it as being healthy, right Like having a healthy, like understanding of oh man. I'm very fortunate to be here. How did I, oh man, like?
Speaker 1:Well, you always, I always tell like my staff, you know, we have the fortunate experience of working with a lot of people.
Speaker 1:Some of them are famous, some of them are not, some of them are really successful and I'm always like you have to show up in a room and pretend you've been there before, and that will keep you out of the weeds of fangirling or making it weird for them. If you pretend you've been in the room before, then you're going to be fine. And I think that sometimes, when I see young women especially like, my big pitch to women is occupy your space, take up as much space as you were created to take up, because when you do that, you give people, you give other people permission to do the same thing, and so I think I've really, like, leaned into that. I don't. I mean, and clearly I just told y'all 10 things that I've showed my ass and been a goofball and said the wrong thing and did the wrong thing or things I definitely wish I wouldn't have done. So I still definitely mess things up, but I mean, I don't think that that should stop you from confidently getting back up and trying again.
Speaker 2:Well, I think we're framing it only professionally, but I think it takes a certain amount of confidence to go to a parent-teacher conference to quit a job to ask someone on a date to say no to a date. To ask someone for coffee because you want to be their friend I think it's even in these like simple ways takes an amount of confidence and vulnerability, because there's a lot of it's like the same to me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like the confidence is, even though you're you might have a pit in your stomach and you might be really nervous and you're like what if this goes wrong? What if I mess this up? What if I say the wrong thing? What if they say no? Um, or even when you're having to say no to something, and then what if they hate me forever because I said no to this thing? Like I think there's of like, yeah, I have to be confident and I've got to do it anyways, even though it might be really scary. But it also feels so vulnerable because you don't really know what the outcome is going to be, but you still have to do it.
Speaker 2:Well, so like when we were kids, so nineties kids we had a lot of experiences where we had to figure stuff out. So if I didn't know where something was in the world, we had the encyclopedias. No, yeah, okay, I was like dictionary encyclopedias.
Speaker 2:I'll never forget they were on our built-ins in my parents den and I would just spend hours like figuring out. Figuring out if my bicycle got a flat tire and I wasn't close to home. I had to find the house I was closest to, to knock on the door and say can you call my mom? Right, and I know the phone number. We've taken that away in the past. I guess 20 years for easy access to information. So there's, it feels like failure, so close if I don't get it immediately or understand it immediately, because you can do almost everything instantly so yeah, I know people our age and older deal with feeling a lack of confidence or low self-esteem or what, or imposter syndrome.
Speaker 2:But I think it's a very different lack of confidence than 20 somethings now or even teenagers now. They haven't had to figure all that much out with like full thought process of like how do I figure this out, how do I get this done. They can chat, gpt anything. They never had to figure out. If my bike has a flat tire, well, not to mention.
Speaker 1:I mean I think we can put an element into. You know, it's funny because I I remember wanting to throw up. The first time somebody told me that their birthday like that worked for me was in the 2000s, I was like, please never say that again. What do you mean? You were born in the 2000s, everyone was born in the 1900s. And alongside of that, I remember my sister, who's in higher education, calling me and telling me that the university she works for was having them read this book called Snowplow Parenting. And so, long before ChatGPT ever made it on the scene, there was a thing that was happening down the pipeline. Instead of your child having to figure it out, having to navigate conflict resolution, having to walk in, give the presentation, have a, get a bad grade because they forgot to finish their project, and so they walk in with it, whatever. No, no, no, no. This new generation of parents said I'll do it for you because I'll fix it.
Speaker 2:Comfort, yeah. So, um, my daughter tried out for a musical on Sunday. We signed up for it like the audition a week and a half before, and it was reading from a script, one page and singing 30 seconds of a song without any music. And she's like easy done got it, it's not a problem. Like well, I think we should probably practice. And you'd be like, oh, not today, not today. My anxiety. I was in theater. I know what it takes to get a hard role very difficult and these little children are like stars.
Speaker 2:This is not for like the school, this is like for the community. And I'm I've just read all this stuff on basically exactly what you're saying like remove the obstacles. And I'm like, look, I can offer to her once a day for me to practice with her, and she can accept or decline. And I'm like, and this is going to suck, and I knew it. So every day, do you want to read through it? We read through it a couple times and then, every day, what do you want to sing? I don't know. And then she'd go play with her friends or whatever. She got a new curling iron, like a lot of that was going on. And the day before I was like, look, it's gonna feel really bad to get up there and not have a song. And I was like so, really, if you want to just go sing happy birthday, that's actually fine. They're looking for a child that feels confident. She decides to sing tomorrow from annie. Oh, oh, aggressive, got it all right.
Speaker 2:This was adorable but, anyways, she wouldn't sing in front of me and she's like I know this is stupid, I should be able to sing for me. I'm like all good, like trying to normalize. We get really nervous and this kid is like has this like pitch perfect voice, so I know she can do it. She does not have the confidence to it and, michael, she's about to learn real quick what this takes. So we she maybe sang through it once in a whisper and um, I was like, okay, like it's, we gotta go, we have to get in the car, so we go. And um, I was not in the room, but it was only separated by a curtain. So I watch it and of course she's like making eye contact and she's adorable. Her script reading is perfect. And then it gets to the song and it just like won't come out and I'm like dying as a mom. And they were really awesome with her.
Speaker 2:And they're like do some jumping jacks shake it off? You're doing great. Um. So she like kind of sings it, like she gets through it, and she comes out and she looks at me, she jumps in my lap and goes we have to get out of here. This was the most disappointing moment of my life and I was like it was actually incredibly brave and just so you know, that'll be the worst and hardest audition of your life. Like you, it's over. Like you did it. Damn it if she didn't get a role in that musical. Of course she did, and I was like, because you made eye contact okay, that was all um.
Speaker 2:But so I tell her the role and she's in the ensemble and she like she might have a solo but like that was the perfect role. She's never been in a play. She still looks at me and she goes I didn't get a lead and I was like did you think you would like?
Speaker 2:I just came out of my mouth and I was like you didn't laugh, though did you no, I was just like like let's have an honest conversation, because I wanted to know like those other kids, they got leads, probably had like voice lessons and like whatever I was like, and they practiced every day for hours day and their moms are probably psychotic.
Speaker 2:But I had this fun moment as a parent that like just because this kid didn't make the best and like I wasn't nagging her, she got to just experience some disappointment and a win all at the same time, because my hope is she got a little lesson out of that and I can guarantee she'll either do another musical and really try, or she isn't, and that's fine.
Speaker 1:But when we try to master and control out of our own distress, it just doesn't work out for anybody the discomfort thing, I think, is like you know, it would be the thing I would love to tell myself when I was younger is like be uncomfortable. And Like be uncomfortable more. Don't just do things to make yourself feel more comfortable. Don't say the things to other people, Don't you know? Like don't avoid the things because you think you're going to be uncomfortable. Just go be an uncomfortable. It's when the greatest sharpening of our life happens, when we're able to navigate the uncomfortable situation and make it through and go oh, we did it. And that is how you move out of imposter syndrome into confidence is navigating discomfort after discomfort after discomfort and going, oh, I'm fine. And actually you desensitize yourself to the discomfort and then you're like, oh, it's not that big of a deal.
Speaker 2:So these kids are the snow plows, what you're describing, and get to learn that the stuff where we lack confidence that could have been um from the parenting we received, like whatever that may be. So it can come from childhood, can come from birth order, can come from just like who you were born with.
Speaker 1:Like your personality.
Speaker 2:Yeah, uh, what sort I'm looking for. You're not demeanor. What are you born with? Like um disposition.
Speaker 2:Oh good one, just the disposition you were born with. So, um, if you like, if you put this into chat gpt, it would probably, if I had to guess um talk about like body language and posture and positive self-talk, and I do think that that's true for sure. I like people to know, like, where did this come from? Why do I feel this way and how do I not keep recreating that and how do I not put that on my children so we see that, like, if a parent didn't do something, they'll put it on their kid, like can you know the baseball stars? You know that the parents are like he's making it to he's gonna make it to the big leagues.
Speaker 1:What's?
Speaker 2:a good one, d1 I don't know.
Speaker 1:D1, that's a good one, that's.
Speaker 2:I remember those people so like living vicariously through our children. That's displacing our own lack of confidence. But so the positive self-talk. I'm definitely not one that's writing and lipstick on my mirror like you go, girl. But there is power in changing our thought process. So if we say you know what, I'm just not going to be this way anymore, the brain's hearing not Okay. It's not telling the brain how I'm going to be. And so when we shift our thoughts, it has to be this power of like I'm scared. So we can have the dialectic of I'm scared and I'm able to do this. So it's like putting this action into the world and you can say it out loud, you can say it to yourself, you can tell your partner, your wife, your husband, your best friend, your dog, whoever, like this is what I'm going to do. And when we start with that language, we start to like, stand a little taller and feel a little bit more solid. Does that make sense? Like, instead of saying what I'm not going to do, yeah.
Speaker 1:Well affirmations. I challenge people on this all the time, because anytime I'm in a workshop with somebody and I'm like what you know, like I want you to be speaking the right language over yourself, a lot of times what will happen is we are programmed to say the not statement Um, I'm not gonna, I'm not going to skip exercise anymore. Instead of just saying I am going to exercise 30, I'm going to move my body 30 minutes a day. That is an affirmation that calls you into a positive state of being and your brain will only pick up on the negative word. So you have to make sure you don't have negative words, you know. The other thing that I would say to people too is your environment really matters. It will change you.
Speaker 1:When you talk about disposition, like you're born into a family and you can't control where you're born into, but when we're old enough, when we're adults even when you're getting into college and you're older than that and your work environments, you can control who you are sitting closest to.
Speaker 1:Who are you allowing? If your confidence is shaky and you're an adult, you need to take a look at the people that you're letting speak into your life, because it really freaking matters. So if the people are like, well, you're just not good at that, like that's okay, but you're like trying to. Let's say, you're trying to be a writer, and they're like, well, you don't, you've never written anywhere. And it's like, well, you need to get up and find somewhere else to sit and go hang out with a bunch of writers who will encourage you and remind you when they had never published anything. And then they'll say the nice things to you and encourage you the way they probably wish they would have been encouraged. But mean people can really mess up your confidence and I think sometimes when we see adults who are deeper into their life, it's normally because there's someone or some narrative they're believing inside their head that says you should stay small.
Speaker 2:Well and mean is different than a challenger. So, like that therapist yesterday who said to me I have a lot of fear based thinking, that wasn't me and that was accurate and I feel bonded enough to her for her to be able to say things like you are running out of a lot of fear and I can like sit with that and move from there. I have a will question.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:So, besides the time you were like eight and went on the radio or whatever it was when this became your job, were you scared to like go on a live radio?
Speaker 3:show. Oh no, I was really excited talk about. That's good excited, but I'll say this, even like I did some radio spots over the years where I'd be like, oh okay, I would go do something on like the support station in town or whatever, I'd fill in for people here and there, just because I had some experience, and even then I'd never had like a nerve thing. I had excitement but not nerves.
Speaker 2:So my little friend Amanda, who I talk about a lot, she says sometimes excitement and fear feel like the same thing and you have to decide which one it is. Because they get so confused, because sometimes it just is like I'm so excited about it and like being able to lean into that and shift, that you're so brave. But I guess if people ask now if I'm ever scared to do therapy, like no, I don't even think about it. But I once was. But what is something that?
Speaker 1:scares you singing in front of people, yeah, and that's not because you can't do it, because you absolutely can do that and you're very good at it.
Speaker 2:But like it scares you because why? Like I don't even have a thought with it, like my whole body starts shaking.
Speaker 1:But you don't do it all the time, right? Yeah, so it's scarier when you don't do something all the time. It's the same thing for me. If somebody asks me to come and talk to a big group of people no problem, not nervous at all I'm like, well, it'll be great If you ask me to come and talk to five people. I'm like, oh, because what's the difference? Well, one of them feels really easy and comfortable and natural and like I'm OK with it. It's just I've done it enough where I don't feel whatever. But that smaller, more intimate group, it feels like there could be a lot of judgment because one of them I have to look you in the face and there's only five of you and the other one, y'all are just all like a big sea of people. Yeah, no big deal yeah, that's right.
Speaker 3:It's like I always compared that, because that's the exact same way for me. I'd rather talk talk to 5,000 people than to five. Yes, like it doesn't bother me at all to walk out and talk to 5,000 people. I can do it all day, but it's like skydiving, is not. Your brain doesn't think you're going to hit the ground because the ground's not coming at you, whereas bungee jumping, your brain thinks you're going to die because the ground is rushing at you.
Speaker 3:Wow wild and and it's the same way I kind of think about the speaking. Like when it's five people, that's right there in front of you and they're all staring at you and you're staring at them and there's eye contact, whereas when it's 5,000 people, it's not relative right, it's just different, it's the ground is so far away, that's a good one.
Speaker 1:That is a good one.
Speaker 2:Okay. So confidence overview you get to take a look where it came from. I don't think you have to find like this. One time, when I was nine, this thing happened. It's not about that. It's like what was the messaging I got and how do I want to shift that or lean into it? Maybe you got awesome messaging. If you're a parent taking a look at, does my fear, does my lack of confidence get pushed onto my child, or can I let them have their own life experience and your own personal messaging matters? It's not that I'm not going to do this anymore. It's what am I going to do? I am not going to be this way anymore. How am I going to be?
Speaker 1:What else I mean? 2025 is a great year to lean into discomfort, like when you're, when you can avoid it, but you won't get better if you do. You will get better if you lean into the discomfort. Sit in an awkward silence, be okay saying no to someone, be okay having a hard conversation, be okay walking in and pretending like you've been there before, and it will feel uncomfortable and it might even feel like you're actually faking it, but that's okay, like lean into the discomfort.
Speaker 2:It's not as complicated as we wish it was, because it's like you just go do it anyways.
Speaker 1:Do it scared, as they say Do it scared.
Speaker 2:Before you Cut Bangs is hosted by Laura Quick and Claire Feerman and produced by Will Lockamade. Follow along with us everywhere.
Speaker 1:Please subscribe to the podcast. Find us on Instagram. We're constantly doing polls. We want to know what you think, and I know that you probably know this, but reviewing us and giving us five stars matters more than anything, and we are so grateful to have you here.
