Before You Cut Bangs
Hosted by Laura Quick and Claire Fierman, “Before You Cut Bangs” is full of hilarious conversations about real life, common and uncommon crises, and possible cosmetic errors that come along with it. Through storytelling and therapeutic wisdom, Claire and Laura share how to NOT fuck up your hair (and life) while walking through similar situations,
Produced by Will Lochamy
Before You Cut Bangs
2.13 The Art of Co-Parenting
"Co-parenting has nothing to do with your failed marriage," becomes our central theme as we explore the strategies that help children thrive despite family restructuring. We discuss the surprising value of rigid schedules, the importance of speaking positively about your ex-partner (or saying nothing at all), and why approaching difficult conversations with curiosity rather than accusation makes all the difference.
Welcome to. Before you Cut Bangs, I'm Laura Quick and I'm Claire.
Speaker 2:Fehrman.
Speaker 1:I am a professional storyteller and I'm currently working on my first book.
Speaker 2:I have worked in mental health for many years in lots of capacities and this is a really important time to tell you our big disclaimer this is not therapy. We are not your therapists or coaches or anything like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean you shouldn't really trust us very much at all. Unless you want to and it turns out well, then you can trust us. That's great, okay. So I was at a restaurant recently getting something to drink and this guy walked up to me and he said getting something to drink. And this guy walked up to me and he said every friday I'm refreshing my spotify, constantly waiting to see if there's another podcast. A man, a man and then his wife is like yeah, sometimes we get to listen together and sometimes we listen separately and then we like talk about it when we get home from work.
Speaker 3:Did you know?
Speaker 1:him. I do know him, but I didn't know that. I mean when I tell you this is the least suspecting man that you would ever think. This guy is like no, I did not think that he would be listening to the podcast, but he's like I love it it feels good.
Speaker 3:It does, yeah, I had a doctor friend that was in town from out of town and he was talking about the podcast and he was like telling his wife like you got to be hearing this and like telling her all about it, guys.
Speaker 1:I know it's so cute, it feels great. I know it's nice. Thanks, guys. It really does help and make us think, wow, we're doing this and you really like it.
Speaker 2:We like to be liked well, in the name of our, for the sake of, or some phrase like that. We're talking about co-parenting, because somebody requested it to Laura, not me. So I think our little first question should be just like a horrifyingly but funny parenting moment, like I don't want to be traumatized today and I already have one, I just thought of it, that was really funny and I could think of a thousand. But like, all right, like are you sorry, then my kids are like a little nudist colony, like they have always been that way, just like, and I'm a naked mom, you know, like no shame, like change whatever.
Speaker 2:And when, when we lived in this neighborhood, we were at the Chick-fil-a nearby and Gus was probably three and I was tired, like I had two really young kids, so Gus was probably two really, and then Birdie was probably four, and you know that age, if you work or don't work, that's just a lot. And so I was finally relaxing at the Chick-fil-A. They were playing in the play place when you still could before covid and I hear another mother say there's a naked little boy in there and I don't even look like, I didn't even consider that it could have been my kid. And then someone else says something, and I look and there's my naked little boy. Nothing, not a stitch of clothing On him, his little boy parts Hanging out and he's in that bubble. You know the bubble Sure.
Speaker 3:Sure, just like Magnifying glass Living his life, and that was that. How old again? Two, two. Yeah, it's great, he felt good, that's great.
Speaker 2:You know, and like I In those moments I'm not really a panicker, I'm just like let's get dressed and head out, I think that was our time to wrap it up here.
Speaker 3:I wonder what his motivation was. There Felt like it. I mean I'll say like with Liam, like I told him, because at the farm you could country tinkle.
Speaker 2:You didn't have to do the rest of it you could just go country tinkle somewhere.
Speaker 3:Say what that is, in case someone doesn't live in the South. Sure, I guess you call it Yankee tingling if you're in the North, but it's basically where you don't go to a restroom but you just hide behind a tree or go just whatever, just a little bit away from people.
Speaker 1:Well, it depends how far in the country, because sometimes you just pee right off the front porch Whatever On a flat rock, if you will.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and that was the problem with Liam because I taught him like hey, country, tinkle over behind, you know somewhere over here. But then one day he was just doing it right here in the front yard, like just in the front yard, and I was like whoa, whoa, dude, that's not.
Speaker 2:That's not a country tinkle, that's a neighborhood tinkle, that's city tinkling, city tinkling.
Speaker 3:City tinkling right there. So mine was and this is on me, not my children Something I did, embarrassing but just like a week ago and I've not admitted this, I've told anyone about this but Lila had a track meet, as she does, and I went and was watching and it was real cold and whatever. It's a stadium I'm not familiar with, right, so I don't know where the restrooms are and whatever and I see like Did you shit your pants, no Good Lord. And I see like Did you shit your pants?
Speaker 1:No, Good lord Laura, who else? Good lord, we were hoping, we were just hoping he's so embarrassed, he's literally red. Good lord Laura, no, I just had to take a restroom tinkle.
Speaker 3:Okay okay, yeah, a proper tinkle. And so there's the women's on this side. I see that, and so I just go over here to the men's. But it turns out it's one of those, uh, where it's, you know, wraps around, and the men's was probably the other side. But here's the thing, whatever, if I walk in and it's like, you know, grown women or something like that, sorry about that, girls track me but just a room full of teenage girls, some of them Lila's classmates, some not, and it's me, the dad, walking into the girls' restroom.
Speaker 1:This is what you're embarrassing, dad. I bolted Lila doesn't know, she has no idea she might, I'd probably pretty one of the most tragic things I said no tragedy today. No, no no, this is like. This is a classic Clay, the most Clay thing of all time. So in an exchange, clay going to his dad's, sometimes my dad when I lived still in Savannah would intercept and hang out with him for a little while, and my family loves meeting threes. Who doesn't?
Speaker 3:Yeah, sure.
Speaker 1:Very so there was this one meet and three in the town that I grew up in. That's just like in a house, you know, and you go and you whatever. So my dad has him and I get a call from my dad and he's like hey, you need to get here. Like now, the police and the fire department are on their way, clay has set this restaurant on fire and I was like I'm sorry, 'm sorry, I was like well, he's with you, so good luck with that. And he starts laughing and he's like well, he did set it on fire, but just so you know. He goes in the bathroom and one of my friends had taught him a paper towel trick which is like if you get a regular paper towel and you put it in a candle, it just like evaporates like very fast.
Speaker 1:Something you would never tell a seven-year-old child ever. And Clay loved magic when he was a kid, like obsessed with magic. Very on brand also for Clay and he was. So he went in the bathroom and they had these industrial paper towels which do not do the same thing. They burn, so it's burning. Clay's freaking out because it's not evaporating. He drops on the floor, the floor catches on fire and Clay comes out of the bathroom and my dad said he was like covered in soot, Like completely. His little white polo from school was like covered. And he said, Clay, what happened? And he's like well, I set this thing on fire and then it wouldn't go out. So I stopped, dropped and rolled on it.
Speaker 3:Clay, he listened, misunderstood the assignment. Yeah.
Speaker 1:He listened, understood the assignment, he rolled around on the fire.
Speaker 3:I was going to say misunderstood the assignment, but yeah.
Speaker 1:He heard stop drop and roll. He knew he got the DARE program or whatever.
Speaker 2:This just popped into my head. So I think we've talked about Clay's big party recently. That was a huge success and he called the police on himself to go ahead and tell them. I was on a girl's trip and she lives in Clay's neighborhood. She does not know, that's your child and she's talking about this band party. That happened. She has a three-year-old and she's like and I was out in my yard I called my city council member about it and I was like I'm like 99.9% sure that was Laura's child and she keeps saying Clay, that's the city council member actually, okay, and she's like I'm. She was like, and I asked Clay what he was going to be doing about this and I was like, and so I got all confused. But bottom line, clay is still peeping outside the rules and I love it. He upset a whole block of mothers.
Speaker 1:Well he does. He is the only house that hasn't been flipped on history, and it truly should be condemned.
Speaker 2:Well I said, did he play late? Because I thought the whole deal. She was like no, it was like eight. She was like pissed, she aged well, it happens, all right.
Speaker 1:So today we're talking about co-parenting, the do's, the don'ts and the oh shit okay well, we all three co-parent.
Speaker 1:We all three had to co-parent. I thankfully I'm past that stage. Clay is I'm gonna call him grown-ish, launched launched, if you will. Um, I, thinking back on this, I know that there were seasons where it was done really, really well, like I was just a super young mom and we were not a good fit and we parted and tried to make it as cool and normal for Clay and Clay had a really great experience, I think, with our co-parenting until he was like eight or nine and we had to move from my job and that made it just really challenging, I think, for his dad to stay as involved as he had been, as I think it would if you move four hours away.
Speaker 1:But I will say, anytime there was another person that rolled on the scene, so like when he was dating someone or if I was accidentally marrying someone. Obviously, which happened a couple of times, that would make it. It make it creates new tension that you have to navigate and I think that's hard, ultimately when you're young or when there's a lot of still like big emotions around, maybe a divorce or whatever. I think sometimes it's really easy to forget that there's like a little human who's watching and feeling everything, because kids, even though they're not articulating it, they feel all the things Um and so my experience in co-parenting was really good for Clay's first seven years, as train wreck of a life as I might have been living. Truly it was not that great, but that's mine.
Speaker 2:Well, y'all both co-parented in different states for a while. That's hard. I mean, you were there a lot.
Speaker 3:Yeah, for a little while and we knew like there was a temporary kind of thing and some point. This would have been in, uh, 2019 maybe or 2018, I guess. Colleen, who is the kid's mom, my ex-wife she said, hey, I'm being transferred to new york. You and danielle come with me. Like, come up there, live up there, that'd be great. I was like, yeah, I can't do. Like danielle has a teaching job and I have a radio show. Like you don't just get radio shows. It's not like being an accountant or a salesman or something.
Speaker 1:What do you mean? You couldn't just get a new radio show Will?
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:New.
Speaker 3:York. Why not? Yeah, right, you're really cool. Okay, exactly yeah. And so I was like it's not a thing. So we worked out this plan of splitting time between New York and Birmingham, and the kids would be here whenever they weren't in school, like even long weekends or whatever, and we were like let's just embrace the experience and let's do it. And so it was cool, because I've worked in New York a lot, but I've never just hung in. I've hung in New York, but I've never spent my days.
Speaker 2:That's an extended amount of time. That's awesome. And how long was it?
Speaker 3:Well, so it was supposed to be three to four years and it ended up being a year and a half because COVID, so a year and a half of, yeah, up there. You know they were here all summers and like Christmas breaks and spring breaks and all that, but then I was up every few weeks and, you know, did like runs in Central Park and their field trips were to Carnegie Hall and like. So it was a really cool experience and they got to be minorities in their school, which I loved.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I thought that was awesome.
Speaker 3:What a great experience for them to just have that, like I would say, cultural shock, because if you're in Alabama and then you move to New York, just that in itself is overload and COVID's the worst, but man, it was the best as far as, like they were really ready to come back at that point and the kids were, and so they did Like they flew home. The craziest situation of last flight out. I mean legit, because my buddy is at Delta and he's texting me like hey, the plane took off. Good news, last flight, they got out of LaGuardia. Nope, they're sending it back. They're sending it back. I'm like no, they can't send it back. Hey, whatever, I have a video of me in the Birmingham airport. I'm the only person. There's nobody at any of the desks, there's nobody working anywhere. I'm just the only person in this ghost town of an airport waiting for this one flight to come.
Speaker 1:In the whole, everything is planes just parked everywhere wow, because every flight was just stopping and parking it's been five years y'all this month. Five years, yeah, so two weeks.
Speaker 3:The 14th was the day everything shut down yep, and then the 21st, which is coming up, uh, tomorrow, two days as we record this, that's when the flight came in.
Speaker 2:Whoa.
Speaker 3:Because I was supposed to fly up there on the 22nd and they ended up flying home on the 21st. That's wild Wow.
Speaker 1:And I think like just a little more backstory, because you, how old were your kids when you and Colleen divorced?
Speaker 3:So very young, which plays into the story. So, uh, colleen came to me early on and was like I don't like you. I think, yeah, pretty much, pretty much.
Speaker 3:And I was like what it wasn't just that, but it's like, hey, we need to go to camp because my personality is very like motorcycle riding, radio hosting, kind of not nine to five, yeah, and she really likes, she really likes, likes. You know, structure. We just had these, these differences and I thought like, well, whatever, that's not a big deal. But it turns out it was a big deal.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And so what we came? The conclusion we came to through counseling and whatever was like. We really like each other, we're great friends and all that, but we're not really compatible in a long-term marriage relationship. So I say this all the time I do not recommend divorce. It's the best thing that's ever happened for us Right now. The text I got four minutes ago is from her husband Now, like we all were vacationing somewhat together next week for spring break?
Speaker 3:Yeah, so it's one of these things we work really well together as a family. We still send funny texts back and forth and all that and but no, we should not have been married. I'm glad we got married because obviously lila and liam but yeah, and that's not going to stop that relationship, because now they have two new kids that are lila and liam's like half siblings, yeah. So of course we're all still going to do our Christmas stuff together. We do, like go over to her house for Christmas and I went to a counselor by myself and she was like, look, if, if this is going to happen, it's best to let it happen now, as opposed to like when they're teenagers or whatever, because right now they're not going to know any difference. It'll just be the way. So like basicallyam was a newborn and lilo was two or three so he was like one, yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they were little little, and so they have never seen us like argue or they've never seen any kind of cross. They just know the way it works and it's a fluid situation and danielle's been in their life for yeah danielle and I started dating that year, so yeah.
Speaker 2:I love that we're starting with the like positives.
Speaker 3:Yeah, sorry, because there can be a lot of positives, oh, but I do have like advice about this and so like I have a neighbor recently that went through a situation and you know we're not that close, but he came to me.
Speaker 3:He's like, hey, I know you've been through this. Like what, do it, but it's the best. And I was like you have to, no matter what, just be the bigger person. I don't know if he's the bigger person or not in that situation, I don't know what's going on with them, but I was like whatever it is, just always be the bigger person. Like don't are, there's no sense in arguing about it. Like if you can just always try to be the bigger person and make the best of every single conversation and situation, then it's going to be pretty easy for you. And that counselor had told me which I didn't have this concern. Oh, I think I'd asked her like what if Colleen which I've never thought she would but I was like what if she gets into some horrible relationship right with a guy? And I remember the counselor saying the positive influence, if you have a positive influence on one side, will outweigh the negative influence.
Speaker 1:Kids are I was going to say kids are really attracted to health.
Speaker 3:Yeah, right, and that's what she said.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so like they want to be around the healthy parent, I think.
Speaker 3:Which, again for the record, I was not actually. I trust Colleen 100%, so I didn't think that would happen, but I was just like going through.
Speaker 1:You don't even have to say that. Do you know how normal it is for a man to be walking or like separating from the person he was married to? And knowing like another man will play a role in your children's life and being afraid, or same thing.
Speaker 1:for a mom like I think it was always like, oh my gosh, especially with Clay's dad. I would be like I need to make sure I I mean I was a psychopath, but I was like, well, that can't be, they're not going to get out crazy me, I'm just kidding, but kind of not All right. What about you? How old were your kids?
Speaker 2:They were three and five and we don't go into the whole history but William, their dad, we met when I was 12.
Speaker 3:Like that's wild. That's too young to get married, claire.
Speaker 1:Yeah that's All right.
Speaker 2:Okay, alabama, I was about to say, wow, we dated tons of other people. But my point is we had a really solid friendship for many, many years. Let's see, I was 26 or 27 when birdie was born, so more than half my life to that point had him in it. So there's a pretty good base for friendship, and so fast forward to co-parenting. I am not going to lie and say that like we had it all set up right or it was never contentious it definitely was, and there was tears and I said shitty things, I'm sure, um, but from day one it was best for kids, best for the kids, best for the kids. So we never had like petty arguments. They were like jealousy was never a part of the equation. Um, I'm a worrier, so like I probably like overstepped some lines being I heard it was going to rain. Are they prepared with life jackets? I know that's what I do. I am the mom that calls.
Speaker 1:Okay, Shane.
Speaker 2:Spann, we get it. Look, I was out of town last weekend when the tornadoes were coming through. I was in a basement, locked there with Shane.
Speaker 2:I texted my ex-husband no less than 20 times because as a separated family, I'm like like, do they have helmets? Is the basement of it, don't leave the house. And like he knows me well enough to be like, got it, but that was like our priority. So if we ever spun out, it always came back to like what do they need? What do they need? So we'll say, be the bigger person. Mine is like, take the high road.
Speaker 2:And it was just so useless to get into like nitty-gritty things that really didn't matter. And a gift that William gave me that I didn't have is he was like we have to stick to this schedule for years and it really bothered me at first. I'm like he's so inflexible, but what a gift that was. Because, thank God, because if they were tearful, like I don't want to leave mom, I'm a mother, of course. I'm like, well, just don't, it's fine, but he's a great dad. So there was no situation where they didn't need to go there. He kept me so consistent and I went from so irritated by that to so grateful, because they got in the rhythm. Like they knew what to expect at dad's house, they knew what to expect at mom's house, and that consistency, and that structure was beyond helpful. So I think my biggest two takeaways are consistency and structure are actually a really good thing. As much as I preach flexibility, consistency and structure and in the same vein as well, like let that shit go, it is not your children's problem.
Speaker 3:So was there no flexibility in the schedule.
Speaker 2:I'm going to be honest for like several years, zero.
Speaker 3:Like there couldn't be or there just didn't need to be.
Speaker 1:I think could.
Speaker 2:He was like not going to do it the downside for me.
Speaker 3:Well, I mean that's fine because at least you can build your schedule around it. So if you want to plan a vacation or something like that, you build it around that.
Speaker 2:I built my life around every other weekend basically, and Wednesday nights. That was my life as they got older and it was like I mean, like right now we have two kids and two different activities at the same time on the same days, but we've built enough like trust and stability to be like you got this one, can you do pick up, or I've got it, I'm good.
Speaker 1:but I really have to say that came from years of rebuilding our trust in a co-parenting dynamic, not the marriage dynamic that is different, and I will say too, like I think, um and this is me more having a front row like I was very young and um, like I was 20 when I had Clay and almost 21 and his dad was only a couple years older than me, and like you know, he, you're 21.
Speaker 1:I was 20 when I gave birth 20 and literally turned 21 like a month, two months later, because Chloe was born May 30th and I turned 21 July 17th. Yeah, um, obviously prepared duh. Having never seen anyone mother me, I was ready to be a mom. But I want to say this I've had a front row seat of some really profound co-parenting over the years. Just because, unfortunately, in our society still, divorce rate is 50% you know, it floats around 50% in most communities and so you're going to have a friend. Even if you haven't experienced divorce, you probably have a friend who is and who's navigating co-parenting. The people I see do it well understand that co-parenting has nothing to do with your failed marriage.
Speaker 2:Amen.
Speaker 1:Nothing. And if you cannot separate the two, you will end up with children who really don't like you or might even hate you eventually. Because, back to what Will said, that your therapist said to you children are attracted to health, it is true, so they're going to be drawn to the healthy parent and the best gift you can give your kids. Hello, neighbor dog.
Speaker 3:That's Hank.
Speaker 1:Hello Hank, we love you, he's the best um, but like, the best thing you can do and this is what I always tell my friends is like you do have to let that shit go and also you can't control. If you have a co-parenting situation where your co-parent partner is suck and win and they're not showing up and they're not consistent, you have to take a step back and decide what is the right thing for your child. Not why are you pissed off at them, not fighting with them, not arguing with them, but how do you take care of your kid? Because you are raising a grown man or a grown woman. Eventually they have to get to that place and you have to decide what do they need?
Speaker 2:And we'll get into more of the don'ts, but I will also say, for women, no-transcript. But my community was so, so, so strong. I'm sure I've talked about this. Laura bought me a dining room table, and your friends don't have to buy you dining sets, call me. I had to have a table, okay. And then my neighbor, amanda, who I've talked about. She would come over. My kids are super little like she'd put them in the bathtub while I got dinner ready, and so my co-parent went beyond my former spouse. It went into this village that I created because I had to wave a white flag some days and be like I can't. Can you pick up this kid while I do this? And those are your tier one people, if you're vulnerable enough to ask for it. I didn't have a grandma to call. I didn't have a grandpa or an uncle or whoever. It was me, yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I will say super lucky the grandparents.
Speaker 2:I knew you weren't taking care of that newborn all by yourself.
Speaker 3:Oh.
Speaker 2:I know you had.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, for I was good at that.
Speaker 2:I was good at that I bet you were really good at that.
Speaker 3:But at the same time, my parents live like in this neighborhood.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so my mom's over here all the time.
Speaker 3:But then, like, from that point, I think one thing that makes my relationship with Colleen so easy is we don't have to really worry about, like, the transporting back and forth, because it's Bobbo. Bob Lockham, he's a full-time job, job like he right now is there waiting for Liam to get done with pole vaulting practice, to take him to his haircut, and then I'll go pick up Lila a minute from her track practice.
Speaker 1:Let's talk a little bit about that, because I do want to say like it is different when you have that support system in your backyard or right down the street and if you're a mom or you're, or even a dad and I think sometimes it's even scarier for dads because you're kind of like, wait what?
Speaker 1:but if you don't have those people, I think it goes back to if you have not listened to our tier one, tier two, tier three, friends um developing those and finding community to get involved in and being vulnerable enough to ask for help yeah.
Speaker 3:so nick, who lives across street, like I've checked his daughter out from school multiple times and taken her to the airport and stuff while he's traveling. So, yeah, you need to have, or try to find, those friends you can depend on them.
Speaker 2:This is for the moms. Here's a don't your ex-husband. There's a great shot that they're not preparing the same meals that you previously prepared.
Speaker 1:You're kidding what I'm not saying. It's you, it's not. They're not organic.
Speaker 2:So, and if you have daughters, that dad is likely not dressing them the same way when they're little, that you might dress them in their smocked outfits, or your little boy in his monogrammed bubble, let it go. Let it go Because I can promise you there is not one adult child that's come to me in therapy and been like my dad bought me the wrong leggings when I was four like it doesn't happen here.
Speaker 3:I mean I, I maybe sent lila to school one time in a really cute dress. That was a pool cover-up maybe maybe it happened maybe it happened.
Speaker 1:It was cute and here's a do to off balance that the do is talk good about their, their parent. For god's sake, talk good talk good about their mom, talk good about their dad, and here's why you win nothing by being passive-aggressive. And honestly like this is a person who made these little people with you. Their dna runs in their blood, and speaking the good things about that person behind their back will allow them to to cultivate a healthy perception of a parent.
Speaker 3:That is also by the way I know this is shocking imperfect, as it turns out yeah, and if that other parent or you or whatever has these flaws that maybe need to be shown to the child, the child will see them they will figure you don't have to tell the child about it.
Speaker 1:They will see them okay, my best friend is a single mom of 9 000 so many children I cannot, and one of the things that has infuriated, infuriated me and inspired me over the last since 2017, 18, of watching her do this with such grace, is that she has never taken a low blow, never. She has never gone below the belt. She only only talks good about their dad, and when she doesn't have something nice to say, she is just not talking. That does not mean you don't ever get to vent. You just have to vent to your people, not to your children.
Speaker 2:Never vent about their parent to your kids and when, and if that child is like mommy said this or did this, or daddy did this and I didn't like like whatever it is, if they have something and they're little and they're talking about their other parent you can validate the kid's feelings.
Speaker 2:That must be really hard. You know what I need to talk to them about, that Like we need to have a grown-up conversation because I know it's important. So then you've just neutralized it. It's not that you're ignoring that kid's feelings, it's that Like I don't think you have to be like blank. If they're upset with the other parent, it happens.
Speaker 1:Do try to find ways to make it normal for your kids to be around.
Speaker 1:Both of you, I think that I've seen.
Speaker 1:You know I would say that my bonus son Ethan we have it took a really long time but finally got to a place where we could be in the same room with his mom and Shane and me, and I think it's really kind and healthy for your kids to see that they matter more than whatever crap has happened.
Speaker 1:It wasn't their fault that there was a divorce, right. And I think that as long as they never feel like that and the way that they don't feel that way, is when you and your ex can be big enough people to be in the same room supporting them. And that means maybe you don't have to sit right next to each other, but sitting in the same area at a band concert or showing up to a birthday party and not making it weird, so they don't have to have multiple birthday parties. And I'm not saying that's right for every family, because it's certainly not, but in the moments you can collaborate, I think, as long as it is not so tension-oriented that it makes it super weird for the kid. And look, in some cases it might be, but if it isn't and you can do that, man, do that I think we have to.
Speaker 2:We should say we're talking about adults that aren't actively on drugs, drinking or abusive like I think, I was about to say good point.
Speaker 3:I was about to say the exact same thing of like you know, we have ignored that there are some really terrible situations where you should isolate at some point. And yeah, because food abuse and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:Obviously, boundaries are really important and I would say like, if you're not in therapy and you're navigating something, if your ex or the father or mother of your children is struggling with drug abuse or alcohol abuse or physical or mental abuse any of those things, emotional abuse, whatever it's called Find somebody to talk to who's a professional, who can help you walk through what those boundaries need to look like.
Speaker 2:When and if you're with a healthy individual that you don't want to be married to anymore and you want an uncontentious divorce. Let's say you're in the beginning, william and I I will will never forget we met at a restaurant to talk about, like, our ideals for custody and that was what my attorney said. She was like you, like we didn't go through mediation, we had, we had no back and forth. It was probably world's easiest divorce for the kids, by the way, because I could have been a real jerk and been like I'm keeping the house and everything, but like that did not benefit my children.
Speaker 2:Material possessions don't necessarily benefit your children. So we met I will never forget, and I had a little legal pad, like with my ideas and we literally just had to talk about it wasn't that we had to agree in that moment, but when you're, when you're in a neutral location, like not the house you've been living in or the house someone else moved into, it is a neutral space and hopefully, as I say, no one's going to yell or cry I don't mind crying in public, so, but for the most part you get to just be neutral, like that's what this is all about. How do I neutrally suggest what I think is best for these people.
Speaker 1:And I think another do is like be curious and not accusatory. I think sometimes, like you're very protective of your children, everybody is and so, let's say, a new person rolls on the scene and your kid comes home and they tell you an outlandish story that you're like I'm going to go blow up his truck right now because that doesn't work for me. Remember that your kids are kids. Their brains are not fully developed. Their perception of a scenario or a story is is very based on their lens that they see the world in and what they think is fair and right and equitable.
Speaker 1:And so I would tell you to approach your, your co parent with curiosity and not accusations. It will make for a healthier communication strategy all along. But if you go to somebody and say, hey, I just have some questions, because Clay came home and he was saying that you know, your girlfriend jumped on the hood of your car when you were trying to leave in the middle of the night, and I'm just wondering if that was true, or maybe like a fever dream and of course he said that was true we got in a fight and I was like, okay, well, that's not really going to work for me ever, so I'll murder you. So you know, if you have any hood jumping going on, you may want to just approach that with a curiosity.
Speaker 2:A curious mind. If you're married and you're like what? You can still use every bit of this in a parenting in the same house.
Speaker 1:Truly, honestly it is hard, Because here's the thing Because we're perfect parents.
Speaker 2:I guess that's kind of what I'm getting at.
Speaker 1:As your kids get older too, man, it gets even harder, because you know they've got one of y'all that they've pegged as the one that they can get away with murder with. And then they have the other one that's a little more practical and like rule following Like, but did you do these 20 things on the checklist before you go do that? So I feel like these tactics work for that too. And, by the way, we're talking to y'all from a place of real expertise, because I never actually had an ex-husband whose girlfriend jumped on his hood in the middle of the night.
Speaker 3:I was wondering where that came from.
Speaker 1:I did.
Speaker 3:So notes for the show really quick. This is another outside right. So there's Hank barking, there's a child down here hooting and hollering. There's tons of wind, it's beautiful outside Bird chirping Beautiful G.
Speaker 1:There's tons of wind. It's beautiful outside Bird chirping, beautiful, gorgeous.
Speaker 3:I know the.
Speaker 1:Merlin app 74 degrees.
Speaker 3:Pulled it up this morning on the show. I talked about it on the show this morning, the radio show.
Speaker 1:Claire is in a sweater vest with nothing underneath, because that's like the vibe, just a sweater vest.
Speaker 3:You'll have to tune in to the Instagram. She's only wearing a sweater vest and flats and nothing else.
Speaker 2:And one last note, if again you're not from the South. I didn't want to interrupt the story, but Laura mentioned a meet and three. If you're unfamiliar.
Speaker 1:You need to go to Johnny's in Homewood. You need to put that on your list.
Speaker 2:You need to go to Nicky's and Johnny's.
Speaker 3:Both of you may get yelled at Both of them.
Speaker 1:Oh no, tim's going to yell at you if you get a. Johnny's, don't you dare step out of that line, but Nikki's 100%.
Speaker 2:So, nikki's, you're going to get yelled at, but a meat and three is where you pick your protein, the meat and your three is your veggies. I'm classically meat and three, never meat and two, meat and four.
Speaker 1:And when she says veggies, she means mac and cheese, of course.
Speaker 2:Mashed potatoes, black eyed peas, greens, whatever. If you go to Nikki's, this is their advertising with us. I'm just kidding they would literally. They're like what's a podcast Cultural? Yes, you better not have rollers in your hair or be on your cell phone or you will be asked to leave. I mean, I've never worn rollers, but that's on their door. But if you're on your phone. They're like out with you.
Speaker 1:And if you step out of line and go get a table, they will throw your food away Like they will literally toss your and they do not give a shit. You have to be careful who you take to Nikki's. You do. They need to be your rule followers. You have to know what's up. Google it.
Speaker 3:All right, I'm going to take my doctor friend that was up here visiting and I need to explain that sounded so pompous.
Speaker 1:We joke and we call him a doctor.
Speaker 3:That's why we call him a doctor, to make fun. Yeah, sorry, it's a funny thing, so that was not a pompous thing earlier.
Speaker 1:I like that you had to come back.
Speaker 3:The whole podcast. I've been thinking like when am I going to bring up the? I have to explain I have a. I know we have lots of doctor friends.
Speaker 1:Shout out to Dr.
Speaker 3:Carl, but I wouldn't say it.
Speaker 1:Shout out to Dr Carl. We refer to him as our. He loves it. He texts me the other day he's like I heard the podcast. Thanks for the shout out. Yeah, I got a guy for that. He helps us look like this.
Speaker 3:I have mentioned other doctors in the show and I haven't called them that. We just call yeah, you saw what a jerk that Will can be today. What a God you know he has a doctor friend. One time we were at his bachelor party and one of his techs like his pharmacy techs. We saw her down at the beach as we were walking Like in the wild. In the wild exactly, and I was like, oh you know, Dr Blah Blah Blah and Dr Blah Blah Blah, and she's like he's not a doctor.
Speaker 2:He went, I am a doctor, before you Cut Bangs is hosted by Laura Quick and Claire Feerman and produced by Will Lockhamy. Follow along with us everywhere.
Speaker 1:Please subscribe to the podcast. Find us on Instagram. We're constantly doing polls. We want to know what you think, and I know that you probably know this, but reviewing us and giving us five stars matters more than anything, and we are so grateful to have you here.
