Before You Cut Bangs
Hosted by Laura Quick and Claire Fierman, “Before You Cut Bangs” is full of hilarious conversations about real life, common and uncommon crises, and possible cosmetic errors that come along with it. Through storytelling and therapeutic wisdom, Claire and Laura share how to NOT fuck up your hair (and life) while walking through similar situations,
Produced by Will Lochamy
Before You Cut Bangs
2.15 Tier Troubles: When Friendship Rankings Go Wrong
Laura got a frantic call to grab someone’s kids... and couldn’t remember their name. Yep. That actually happened. In this episode, we’re talking about those awkward friendship moments when you realize you’re not on the same page about how close you really are. We’ll refresh you on our now-famous friendship tiers, play a revealing game of “Tier or Near,” and offer tips for recalibrating relationships without ghosting anyone. Spoiler: it’s not about ditching people, it’s about clarity. Let’s talk adult friendship drama.
Welcome to, before you Cut Bangs. I'm Laura Quick and I'm Claire Fehrman. I am a professional storyteller and I'm currently working on my first book.
Speaker 2:I have worked in mental health for many years in lots of capacities and this is a really important time to tell you our big disclaimer this is not therapy. We are not your therapists or coaches or anything like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean you shouldn't really trust us very much at all. Unless you want to and it turns out well, then you can trust us. That's great.
Speaker 2:Unrelated to our topic today, for our warm-up mixer one or two things that just gross you out.
Speaker 3:Body hair.
Speaker 2:On the body. Like hairy men.
Speaker 3:Hairy.
Speaker 2:Women Anybody.
Speaker 3:Body hair.
Speaker 1:So you're probably really struggling with this movement of like a lot going on for everybody.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I ignore it altogether. Oh Well, we ignore it altogether?
Speaker 2:Oh Well, we would expect nothing less.
Speaker 3:Like you can hold down and hide, and that is the most on-trend thing you have said. Yeah, like I can hold down, like not interested in that video. Okay, so the algorithm knows I want no part.
Speaker 2:So body hair, not for you Anything else.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean like bathroom stuff that's not my children or whatever yeah but I mean that's normal we've heard about that.
Speaker 1:It's not normal. You are actually. I feel like you really struggle with it more than most mostly from.
Speaker 3:I'll say this yeah, from a privacy standpoint, sure, but also then from like a humor standpoint. I don't like it. I feel like it's like the lowest low.
Speaker 1:It makes us think you've never shit your pants, and that is not fair.
Speaker 3:You totally never know if I had, you're right.
Speaker 2:That's right. Did you like freshen up with men's deodorant before we got here?
Speaker 3:Well, I came home from the gym and didn't shower, so I definitely put on deodorant. Smells good, oh, thanks.
Speaker 1:You're welcome, I can smell you, that's it, it's just deodorant, things that gross me out. I'm talking gag. Yeah, dog vomit.
Speaker 2:Like washing my dog, like and then vomit and me going I'm going to have to clean that up.
Speaker 1:I have to feel that under the paper towel, oh I, that under the paper towel, oh I cover it with like recycled grocery bags and like I can't. And the whole time I'm like, yeah, that's really bad for me.
Speaker 1:Um, watching someone vomit, no go sure any, just really anyone vomiting um and trash, like trash that you've already put in the trash can. For instance, like when we're at the lake, we have to take the trash like a mile you know that you've already put in the trash can. For instance, like when we're at the lake, we have to take the trash like a mile.
Speaker 1:You know because, you've done it and one time Shane was like trying to He-Man the trash toward the dumpster but it was so heavy and full of stuff that it hit the side and exploded everywhere. And just the disgustingness of picking up that trash. So the double trash gets you Double trash. I hate it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'll say. The last time I was at the lake near y'all's place with my next-door neighbor here her family has a place up there and I was doing the dishes and the garbage disposal if you go by the brand name had this cool little mesh, whatever and I went to empty it. But if you release it, whatever part of it, a little part fell in the garbage can.
Speaker 1:A very full garbage. Can I'm like time to get a new one? Fuck it. That's what's wrong with me. She's actually gagging.
Speaker 3:Here's the thing. So I had to spend $40. I didn't have to. They were like leave it, don't worry, we'll buy another one.
Speaker 2:I was like no you won't Not on my watch my first time at your lake house?
Speaker 3:no, absolutely not. I'm going to find it. So I had to pick through every bit of that weekend worth of garbage. Little kids there, everything.
Speaker 1:You're such a good person. Okay, what about yours?
Speaker 2:Immediate gag if I see somebody spit like, especially if they do the whole oh, oh oh, oh I don't want to see it on the ground. I don't want to see it come out of your mouth. I don't even if my kids like if they blow a spit bubble. I'm like you have to leave the whole house. I cannot stand it. I've never been able to stand it. Immediate gag. I gag all the time I'm an easy gagger.
Speaker 1:We did, we watched you almost throw up.
Speaker 2:Dog vomit, no problem.
Speaker 1:What, oh, it's so nasty Something about in a sink, or I can't even say it.
Speaker 2:My mouth starts watering in a bad way Like loose hair, like if I get somebody else.
Speaker 3:Oh, she's gagging. Do you gag when other people gag?
Speaker 1:Yes, sometimes I've seen videos of people that that's a funny thing. Pitch perfect. When that girl just started like projectile, I was like I'm out, I can't even watch this movie.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just anybody's hair. I don't want to see your hair in your shower. If I'm a guest, get out.
Speaker 1:It is the most disgusting thing to see hair in a shower. I will switch hotel rooms immediately. All right, what are we talking about today? I kind of liked this Also.
Speaker 3:I have to say really quick how did the retreat go? You guys had a bunch of listeners hang out with you for a weekend, which is crazy town.
Speaker 2:But I'm very interested. I mean only one snuck into our room and got in between us but outside of that shared a bed.
Speaker 1:That's the biggest news of the whole deal bestie, we took it, we were a bestie pass. Okay, listen. No, my favorite part of the retreat is that clear circled everybody up before we were going to do our first session and you know we did like a little thing and she was like guys, this is so cool, I'm so glad you guys came. I would never do this, I would never go to a straight. I was like what are you doing?
Speaker 2:you're not building. I wouldn't sign up for something like that.
Speaker 3:I like to be the leader and you were a great leader that's why I was so curious, because I would never sign up for something like that. But I know it sells out and people do sign up for these things. I've witnessed one of them.
Speaker 1:We had 20 women come and it was so great.
Speaker 2:It was really fun and special.
Speaker 3:So what's the topic?
Speaker 1:We're talking about. The title is oh shit, I thought you were a tier one.
Speaker 3:We're doing part two of friendship episode, which is the most popular episode we've ever done of all time.
Speaker 2:I think we probably referenced it the most too. Yes, so now would be a great time If you don't know what we're talking about to revisit that episode.
Speaker 1:Yes, if you haven't listened to our friendship or friendship breakup episode, we talk a ton about tier ones.
Speaker 1:But this one kind of came up because I've had several friends right now just going through a re-establishing like, damn, I got this wrong. Either you got it wrong like you thought somebody was a tier one, tier two, tier three friend and you had them kind of in your circle right, everybody else would be like an acquaintance or they got it wrong. They really were thinking you were holding a different weight in your life or in their life. And then all of a sudden a thing happens and they're like wait, wait, but you didn't come to this thing, or you didn't do this thing for me, and so that's kind of the theme. But it's not about cutting people off. This is just kind of like okay, if we figure out like this person isn't in the position I thought they were, or maybe they figure out you're not in the position they thought you were, how do we keep them in our life but just reestablish where they belong in our own brain and heart?
Speaker 3:I almost feel like this is for our younger audience.
Speaker 1:That's hilarious because all the people that I'm talking about are literally in their 30s or 40s. That's walking. This is for women, Will.
Speaker 3:Okay, Welcome to the show. That's why I'm here to ask the questions. I'm here to ask the questions.
Speaker 1:I'm just kidding. I think this could happen to a dude. I don't know any dudes that it's happened to.
Speaker 3:I'm sure it can. My funny story about this is that when I was, you know, around 20 or something, I was dating a girl that was a little bit on and off at times and during one quick off period she started dating this guy that I was friends with. For sure, he was definitely friends with my friends. No, we'd only for a year or two, so, but at that time I'm, I'm out there, I'm like you know all these new people and whatever, and they he started dating her during like one of like a week we've been broken up or something and I was like, hey man, I was like I don't know.
Speaker 2:Just like it doesn't seem cool, you said something to him.
Speaker 3:Yeah, which does feel crazy Wow. I was like we're friends. He's like oh no, no, no, dude, we're not friends. No, no, no. He's like we're not friends. He's like, no, you've been to my place.
Speaker 1:He said we're not friends.
Speaker 3:He gaslit you on top of stealing your girlfriend, but he so quickly threw it down that all I could do was like oh, oh, well, in that case I guess that makes sense then.
Speaker 1:And then you started making a list of all the shit you were going to do to him. You're like, now that I know we're not friends, I'm just kidding. And now, of course, course, I've like but me in my 20s, I would have been like I'm getting the shovel, don't worry, I've got trash bags in my trunk, let's go tons of like business things with him over the years and whatever and so like.
Speaker 3:but I just knew then like, oh, he's just kind of got like so much the point that when Lila grew out of her baby stuff and he and his wife were having their first child, I gave him all of my baby stuff from Lila as not friends. Yeah, that's right. Of course I thought he was kind of full of it, Like I mean, we were friends, which is why we continued.
Speaker 1:He just wanted to go on a couple dates, but it was funny.
Speaker 3:It was definitely like a tap-down moment, Like okay, I got it. I got it and then I did kind of think from that point on like, oh, who are actually my?
Speaker 1:I guess there is a difference in just people you kind of hang out with and people that are your friends that you would expect to not help the people know what is the tier one, tier two, tier three, versus like somebody that just would be like on the outside of the circle.
Speaker 2:Okay for us. I think we decided tier one. For all of us is pretty small. You can have healthy confrontation if needed.
Speaker 1:They tell you the hard stuff.
Speaker 2:They tell you hard stuff. You can say no to them. Nobody's offended. They can say no to you Pretty easy Friendship. It's a sit in silence if you're in a long car ride, if you need to. There's no awkwardness, it's just extreme comfort.
Speaker 3:I always think I can define it by the car ride. Yes, who will I ride in a car with to the beach? Pretty small or especially let's say to the mountains or something like that, like a 10-hour car ride that is 100% tier one that is maybe only family, and I even think about murdering them.
Speaker 1:I could do that with a best friend, for sure, like a tier one.
Speaker 2:Tier two close enough to tier one. Maybe not the car ride close, but definitely Actually, let me say this Tier one you don't even have to see that often they could even live in a different place, but you feel close. Tier two I think of more as people you see regularly. Regularly they might be able to pick up your kid for you.
Speaker 1:Tier one all have the list of, like what to do immediately when I die. And tier two are definitely going to be at the funeral and they're in my morning crew. Sure, they're mourning for me, obviously wailing the wailing ladies, but they're not. They don't know where that list is and they don't have access to my.
Speaker 1:They don't know my the, the code on my phone to like sure, and you might not be calling them in an emergency right but you love them love them and and and believe they have wise counsel, like they're in that that group of people because, like I care what they think, I may seek advice from them. I may. I like the way they live. They're in that tier and I still like the way they live. I don't necessarily want to live like them and I don't even know that that's true for my tier one. I got lots of people I wouldn't necessarily want to be like oh, I'm going to do what you do and live your life, but yeah, tier two what about tier three?
Speaker 2:Didn't we say tier three is like people you want to be closer with or like that are just kind of peripherally around, yeah, like you would know their names.
Speaker 1:Oh no, I think that you're going to acquaintance. I would say. Tier three is still like. You may hang out with them. They may be like In your book club, yes, but they could also be your best friend's friend from way back. You know what I mean, where you're just like, we're close and we know a lot of the same things, but we don't like. You definitely are not coming to like my close friend.
Speaker 2:Ornament swap, right cookie swap never, never book club and none of these are bad.
Speaker 3:None of these are bad by the way no one, two and three, all excellent, just different closeness levels I think I remember is, you guys had it as like one, two and three and I had it like one through 15, like I had what you just described as tier 15 yes, I think, yeah, oh, yeah you.
Speaker 2:I feel like you're like tier one dabbling two and then it's like way out there, little intricacies throughout the rest.
Speaker 3:Yeah, all right.
Speaker 1:So, for instance, in my 20s my job required me to be quite the extrovert, like that's what I did for a living. I've made friends professionally. I was in a referral-based business and I really love people, so it's like super easy for me to like.
Speaker 2:For a laundromat. I think that's important to talk about.
Speaker 1:I love that it was a dry cleaner, whatever.
Speaker 2:And that's rude.
Speaker 1:Soaps and suds. First of all, laundromat sounds trailer park bitch and I had been at least several years removed from the trailer. Okay, anyways, in my dry cleaning era and I definitely think there were people that believed I was a tier one in their life and I wouldn't always know their names, but they were like, okay well no, I'm agreeing with you 100% okay, I thought you were judging me, and what I mean by that is like I do when I'm with you.
Speaker 1:I really am all with you and I love to hear your stories and I want you to tell me and I, when I'm there and I'll normally check out. Now I've got boundaries and I can say like, hey, I don't actually have the capacity or the time to do this. But back then I had no boundaries, I listened to everything, anything. Sit down with me, tell me your life story, let me trauma dump on you, and then you believe we're so close and connected because you told me a scary childhood story and I told you one that made you want to just hug me for three hours and hold me like a child. So I would have all these people thinking that I was their tier one and I didn't know their full name.
Speaker 1:Okay, so it was you oversharing 100, and then they're like wow, she really disclosed a lot sometimes they would overshare and then I would over share back but you don't trump it like I'd be like hold my beer. Let me tell you a crazier story than that okay, so my eyes were wrong.
Speaker 3:I was disagreeing with you. I was thinking it was the other way around. But I mean definitely tons of situations where people think yeah, well tier one and I'm like I don't know your name well, you're just a guy about town not even. I mean not anymore, but I mean just you do a lot.
Speaker 2:You do a lot in the community.
Speaker 3:I have to. Yeah, I mean, it's part of my job.
Speaker 1:No, it's your job it's not a bad thing, it's a good guy.
Speaker 2:That's why people think they know you, they hear you every day.
Speaker 1:You're a part of their life. You're in their ear every day that is part of the job.
Speaker 3:Totally, I'm talking to them and they're not talking back to me. So we have a relationship that's pretty one sided and then we meet and that's awesome and I love it. I love that relationship, but I don't know their name Right, even though they think we're tier one or whatever.
Speaker 1:Okay, so that happens. And then they call me scenario they call me and they're like listen, listen, my mom's in the hospital, can you pick up the kids from school? And I'm like who is this? I don't have this number to say am?
Speaker 2:I their emergency contact yeah, and listen again.
Speaker 1:I'm talking about unredeemed, very lost, very broken Laura Okay, when this was like a narrative in my life, but I do think situations like that are still happening. I've heard several women that I'm friends with now that have had some misplaced misread. I thought they were really really high up or they thought I was really high up. How do we get here and how do I adjust?
Speaker 3:Is that a real scenario that happened To pick my hospital?
Speaker 1:Yes, will, wow, all right, wow, I feel like I'm getting a lot of judgment.
Speaker 3:I feel like that's a story, Like that's what people love to hear. Is this kind of?
Speaker 1:This crazy shit.
Speaker 3:Yes, yes, Somebody said like hey, there's an emergency, Can you help picking up at the?
Speaker 1:hospital. This is a real thing. What's your last name?
Speaker 3:So what's the story Like? How did you figure this out, who was it and what happened? Well, you just keep talking.
Speaker 1:I was like, well, remind me again which school they're at. I remember asking, and what are their names and ages. I was like, am I even on the list? And they were like, oh, I'm going to have to, I'll have to call the school. I mean, it's an emergency. And I was like, okay, thank God. Her dad beeped in and was like I'll get the kids. But this is a real. And I was like I still got off the phone.
Speaker 3:I was like who was it and where are we today? Who is it, do you know? And was like who was it and where are we today? Who is it Do you know? Did you find out? No, we're friends on Facebook but we're not real life.
Speaker 1:How did you find out who it was? I called a realtor to a person and asked them. I was like hey, just from deductive reasoning standpoint, like here's what I know, can you help me narrow down? It's either this person or this person. Who do help me narrow down? It's either this person or this person who do you think it is? And she was like, hey, it's that person. I know what happened because we were all kind of like in the similar. This feels like. I feel like, even just looking at your side profile, you're just some judgment why are you like paranoid.
Speaker 1:Today, nobody is judging you it's because I'm wearing the same outfit, guys.
Speaker 3:I'm just like your hat because you had the shit in your hair earlier, that's why I'm wearing the same outfit, guys.
Speaker 2:I'm just kidding. I like your hat Because you had the shit in your hair earlier. That's why I'm judging you In no way am I judging you.
Speaker 3:I think this story is wild. It's what makes this podcast what it is. It's like us telling these crazy stories.
Speaker 1:It's also what makes me the girl who needed Makes you who you are. Yeah, who needed a podcast like this? Yeah in itself could be a podcast episode Like this whole. You could just tell that story because that's wild. I trauma bonded to people.
Speaker 2:That's what I did, and when you do that you do have this you attract a lot of open-ended things that you might not have an answer to. We'll call that an open-ended thing.
Speaker 1:It's definitely I've been to this day. I still don't know exactly how we got there.
Speaker 2:I believe there was a lot of wine involved that's a great one though that is good that's a great one I know we have a lot to cover in this podcast. I don't know that I've necessarily misread. I'm having this vision of in college. It's like I could find someone in a lot of pain and my college was like way out. One of my colleges was like way out in the middle of nowhere and you know we drive 30 minutes. I can remember being like at a Chili's and being like how, what, what am I doing with this person? And then they would unload on me and I'm like balls deep with someone and and I don't even know what happened it was like we talked once in class and we're at chili's for whatever they serve. I can't baby back ribs looking, I think that's applebee's.
Speaker 2:But go on, we all know I hadn't gone to a chain restaurant until I went to college. But what was chili's?
Speaker 3:baby back ribs. Really yeah, chili's baby, chili's Baby Back Ribs, really yeah, chili's Baby Back Ribs.
Speaker 2:I did find out. That was beautiful. I'm a little off track here in two ways, but one I did find out. I mean, y'all know I was called the man eater and I have talked about that. In high school I found out that one of my ex-boyfriends when my ex-husband started dating me, he like wrote him a letter or something and said something to the effect of like she is like a siren, be careful. And I was like what signal am I giving out? That's like ruining these people these men boys lives.
Speaker 2:I think that track okay, so anyways, skip forward to present day. Um, I've seen. I wish I could count how many clients I've seen. If my first client was 2010, it's 2015. So sometimes you know, you see somebody in public and they're thrilled to see you and you're like trying to place them. I know that has happened with clients and I'm like, because not someone I see now or even in the past few years, but like a decade ago, I'm like who, what, when, why, where? Um, or I've looked the same since kindergarten. So I'm pretty lucky a lot of people do remember my name and I'm like, please, god, help me place this person give me any, but I can fake like I know you not as well as you.
Speaker 2:You're brilliant at it. But those are my scenarios. It's not so much that I've like accidentally thought I was closer to someone in recent years, um, you only say I'm brilliant at it, because it literally just happened to us At a restaurant.
Speaker 1:At a restaurant I thought, and you were like why didn't you introduce me? I was like hello, introduce yourself. You don't know the code If I'm not telling you someone's name.
Speaker 2:it's because I don't know it. I did redo and we did find out her name. Yes, you're brilliant, who you've since forgotten, but it's locked in here it's forgotten, but it's locked in here. Hey there, delilah, no Except that's not her. It's Delilah. Was it Delilah.
Speaker 3:Was that the name?
Speaker 2:No 96.5?.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, no, I'm saying the name of the person. It wasn't Delilah, right? No, no, she said Delilah, that's just what she thinks it is and it's not.
Speaker 1:We have a game.
Speaker 2:We talked over and over again about tier one, two and three, and then what Will describes as tier 15, we're going to call those near. So it's tier or near, and I'm going to read out scenarios. And there's no right or wrong. Nobody gets a prize, obviously, because I didn't get mine from last time when I won, and you either need to name the tier or, if it's just a near for you, okay, got it. Ooh, these make me uncomfortable. You're going to die, we'll be fine. All right, this person shows up to your birthday dinner, but they bring a plus one you've never met. Is this a?
Speaker 3:tier friend or a near friend, like without saying, and I have no idea. It's a total surprise. We didn't get that specific.
Speaker 2:So we'll say they didn't tell you.
Speaker 1:I'm going to go tier three, and this will just confirm why they haven't been able to run up the ladder.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's a much lower tier, because otherwise they would just say like, hey, is it cool if I bring so-and-so.
Speaker 1:But they got invited, so that lets me know they're like close enough in my circle.
Speaker 2:Tier one would have said hey, I'm dating someone, Can I bring them? Lower tiers would be like I'm a little nervous because Laura never remembers my name. I'm going to bring a friend and not say anything, Right?
Speaker 3:Yeah, Also like birthday dinner. What?
Speaker 2:Look, we're doing the best we can. Oh no, I'm saying for me that's the issue.
Speaker 3:This is a game we don't want to tell you, but we're throwing you a birthday dinner. Actually we'll A large birthday dinner.
Speaker 2:It's like what yeah Got somebody to jump out of a cake. Okay, I, I've got somebody to jump out of a cake.
Speaker 3:Okay, I'm there for that, it's a tier one friend though.
Speaker 2:All right, you told someone something vulnerable in a text and they replied with a meme.
Speaker 3:That's tier one.
Speaker 2:That's tier one for me, I would say tier one.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's a tier one, because they know they don't have to say anything. They can probably get their point across just by sending me a meme.
Speaker 2:Yes, me and Amanda. We never get into it. But got a little spicy and she sent me the Larry David. Fuck you and I'll see you tomorrow. Exactly, fuck you, see you tomorrow.
Speaker 3:Definitely tier one.
Speaker 2:And I laughed and, of course, started the next day.
Speaker 3:Also, I'm not sending anything vulnerable to anyone. That's not tier one, but still.
Speaker 2:You're not sending anybody anything vulnerable period I was going to say no, but whatever, I'm like, my life's falling apart. Help, okay, you haven't seen them in six months, but they Venmo you unprompted for a coffee when you post Okay, I'm sorry, I can barely get through the whole question because none of us would ever do this ever, but you've apparently posted that you're having a hard day, which. No crying on Instagram. No crying on Instagram.
Speaker 2:You're having a hard day. So made up scenario tear or near I'd say fuck off. Not even in my realm gosh.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's not, that's no one I know I was like I've been moat 17 people yesterday because they were having a hard day I do that for my team when we're on like deadline or something like because they posted on instagram I would say that if somebody posted their puppy died or something, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Okay, you're right, I was negative, so like I'm just saying that if I knew that a friend had gone through something really hard but I didn't know, because maybe it has been six months and we've talked I still would say they're a tear. And I feel convicted, I feel attacked, because I am the person that if I saw that I might would do something kind and quiet, like send a Venmo, to just be like I see you.
Speaker 2:I got, I got grossed out.
Speaker 1:I see you saw people crying on the internet and I went. I went there with you, but then I was thinking about it through my lens and I'm like I would do that. I would.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so I think the weird part of that one is like the crying about something on Instagram or something.
Speaker 2:But that's not even in there. I made it up.
Speaker 3:That's just what she saw, but like definitely, like you know, had a terrible situation this past year with both the pups passing and whatever, and then had a friend when they found out say like hey, just want to let you know. My husband and I made a donation to the greater birmingham main city in pig's name and whatever and and so that that and that is good that's a very high tier and those they are high tier friends. So that's the only example I have of that yes, okay, you're right, you're right that's the only example I have.
Speaker 3:if it was a rando and like I made a weird like uh, you know, an unspecified prayer request for a tough day. That's gross, that's weird.
Speaker 1:That's gross to me, but if I just notice because, like again, it said the six month thing which just let me know, like maybe you have lost some touch with them but they're still in my, I would still consider that a tear person.
Speaker 2:I'm feeling guilty about my initial response. No, no, no.
Speaker 3:I think it's validated. I think that the way you kind of framed it did sound pretty good.
Speaker 2:Thank, you, you find out. This person was in town and they didn't tell you Tier or near.
Speaker 1:Near, near yeah.
Speaker 2:They're not in a tier, yeah maybe I'm actually going to say tier one.
Speaker 3:I have a couple of tiers.
Speaker 2:Are you fucking kidding?
Speaker 1:me. I'm going to tell you why. Okay, actually, I see where you're going, but go ahead. I have.
Speaker 2:One of my best friends lives in Nashville. Her mother lives here and my friend has a three-year-old so when she comes to town they go to her mom's. They visit and I would never put that on her to make time for me. It does not hurt my feelings and she's probably here often. When she does have time, we see each other.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it could be tier, one or two it could be.
Speaker 1:I would agree with that. I guess I was. Just I went because I have a couple tier ones, like one lives in Colorado and one lives in Chattanooga, and if they were all the way here?
Speaker 1:I would be like they were all the way here, I would be like bitch, you know. But in that scenario I could see that being totally like a tier one. Yeah, but I'm going to call it near because let me just tell you, bitches, if y'all are listening and y'all come into this town and I find out about it and y'all didn't at least give me a heads up and let me know why you weren't going to see me. You know I'm going to get caught. You want to be told?
Speaker 2:I would like to be. You don't have to see me.
Speaker 3:I don't want to be ghosted Look if my hoes are coming from Nashville, sure, how loose of you. But if it's from LA and it's only the one time out of the year they're going to come to Birmingham, then I expect hey, I'm going to be here.
Speaker 3:But I definitely have a very close friend who's here for work you know, lives, uh, whatever, somewhere way away, way far away, and I know like how busy he is and so like if we get together, one out of the three times he gets to come to birmingham. That's cool. Yeah, I get it.
Speaker 2:They only reach out when they need something super quick for work tier or transactional transactional yeah easy, or transactional. Transactional, yeah, easy, easy, transactional. You text them a full novel about something going on. They heart react and never respond Tear or triggered.
Speaker 3:Reasonable on their part.
Speaker 1:I do that shit all the time. Somebody will text me something really long and what will happen is I see it, I get distracted. I promise myself I'm going to circle back, but I want to like say that I saw it.
Speaker 2:So I heart it. But what if you sent me something long and I hearted it?
Speaker 1:And then you didn't say anything. I would be like are you good? You fucking hate me. What's happening?
Speaker 2:Triggered. I would be like are you good? You fucking hate me. What's happening? Triggered. So to me, if I sent a someone, I thought I was really close with something long and they just hearted it.
Speaker 1:I would get anxious, oh totally, I would too.
Speaker 2:I would call you.
Speaker 1:I'd be like what's going on? Okay, you're with clients, you hate me. What's happening?
Speaker 2:I think I would different differentiate this with tier one and tier two. Tier one, I would be like why the fuck are you ignoring me, laura? This is a crisis, hello. If it was a tier two and I thought we were building to tier one, I'd be like well, abort mission misread this situation and I'm never going to speak to them again.
Speaker 1:I hate myself blocking them.
Speaker 2:Actually we're done so the closer I am the less triggered if it's like out here I'm like whoopsie daisy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm pretty relentless. I feel like if it's a tier one and you hearted something and I didn't hear from you, I'd probably blow you up later.
Speaker 2:They know your coffee order and your childhood trauma.
Speaker 3:You could go a lot of ways I was like the same there.
Speaker 1:One right.
Speaker 2:You don't have that experience.
Speaker 1:What would it be for you?
Speaker 2:Tier one.
Speaker 1:I mean and I could be literally anyone from my 20s, Anyone from my 20s.
Speaker 2:I kind of like the coffee would be wrong. Now, though, that's true.
Speaker 1:My coffee order has changed.
Speaker 3:I have a much more sophisticated palette than just a chai, vanilla chai obviously not like a chai tea, like an actual, like powdered chai totally I think it's good for our listeners that they're seeing that there is no like right answer, that we're all like everybody's situation is different.
Speaker 2:Yes, and everyone's tier definitions are probably different too.
Speaker 3:I mean, we're right of course, but like you can, yeah, yeah yeah, clearly.
Speaker 1:You can veer off. Put this in here.
Speaker 2:You invite them to your holiday party. They RSVP yes. Never show, never text Tier near or disappeared.
Speaker 3:Hmm.
Speaker 1:That's a re-evaluation. Yeah, if I invited you that's a tier 2-ish.
Speaker 3:Whatever. For y'all tier 2, for me tier 8, I guess.
Speaker 1:I think I would go like, if that happened, I don't know, I would check on that person. I would be like are you good?
Speaker 2:Well, I wouldn't host a holiday party, but if I did I would imagine the no show, no texters would be tier two or tier three and I wouldn't care. And if it was a tier one I'd be like are you okay?
Speaker 1:And not in a passive, aggressive way.
Speaker 2:I'd be like are you good, this is unlike you. That that's exactly right. I agree with that. You are winning at this game. I do like to win. They were there for your divorce, miscarriage, job loss, but you don't actually laugh together anymore.
Speaker 1:What that?
Speaker 3:sounds dramatic.
Speaker 1:It sounds like a marriage dip.
Speaker 2:I'm like, is this your spouse?
Speaker 3:Things just evolve right. I was thinking about this earlier for some reason, and I can't remember the exact situation or who the friend was, but somebody still would be like, oh yeah, close friend, but I probably really haven't talked to him in a few years Yet. It's somebody that used to like oh hey, here's what's happening this Friday, like you're coming to my house and whatever. But so it just evolves. People get busy, people have kids, people.
Speaker 1:And I think that's kind of you know, I have a friend that lives in North Carolina I hope she's listening Her name's Megan and she knows all my stuff and we still do actually like where we could meme each other Like still do actually like we're we could meme each other like we can legit just send each other stuff on instagram, but she doesn't all my stuff and I would still consider her a top tier friend because I know if some shit went down like we have history. She's probably the person that used to call me out the most on being like. Why does that person think that y'all are best friends and you?
Speaker 2:don't know her name.
Speaker 1:Yes, she would call me on my shit. But so I would say, and I I do laugh with her, but like not on the phone. We haven't talked on the phone in a month or two months maybe but you would still think each other were funny people 100% and we're like she's hilarious. I've gotten drunk with her on accident, with champagne and like a hot tub, because I didn't know you could get drunk. I was like I don't feel this at all, and then I got out and fell on my face.
Speaker 2:All right, this one. I think we're going to have trouble answering because of our age, but I think it would be important to answer for our 20-somethings. Do they listen? 20-something year olds?
Speaker 1:Yeah, we definitely have 20-somethings.
Speaker 3:We have to at some point let Hunter yell something into the mic. He's a 20-something. Our cameraman's a 20-something.
Speaker 2:That's right, Hunter. He should answer this question.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, you're in for this one All right Hunter.
Speaker 2:They always watch your stories, but never reply to your texts.
Speaker 4:Honestly, it depends If it is someone who like, if you're in your 20s. So if it's like a high school friend who used to be like a tier one, I would consider them probably like a two Okay. But anyone else probably is just either an acquaintance or tier three, or they just don't care about you Like you care about them.
Speaker 1:I would call these people my children.
Speaker 3:Thank you, sir. I'll say this, though, though like I watch people's stories, I don't even know like, what do you mean?
Speaker 2:I'm not texting them same, so I found out we might need hunter on this one again that a lot of people in their early 20s, like college age, have a main instagram and then like a sub instagram.
Speaker 3:Yeah, lila, what's it called multiple spam? Lilaila's spam.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 3:Like Finsta, but yeah, spam account whatever.
Speaker 2:So I'm thinking, thinking out loud of these people that must have their like smaller accounts. People are watching their stories and then they aren't responding to text. Might be painful.
Speaker 3:If you're not responding to a text, forget the whole reels or stories thing or whatever.
Speaker 2:But they don't forget these things.
Speaker 3:I'm just saying, like that is the story is not responding to a text.
Speaker 1:Okay, that makes your tier that design. Listen, you were born in the 1900s and so were we, and it is a different game now. Like text is I?
Speaker 2:just feel like I will be sending something to the us postal service, I mean really, why are you?
Speaker 1:are you not talking to them on snapchat, like, do you not know how to get in touch with them? Do you have snapchat?
Speaker 3:uh, I don't know for the kids like they snap me exactly my grandmother, like yeah, like there's like family snap stuff, that's cute. I don't even, I don't have, I don't even know how to use it.
Speaker 2:So, like they snap me Exactly my grandmother, like yeah, like there's like family snaps, that's cute. I don't even have it. I don't have it, I don't even know how to use it. Okay, we can move on. They remembered your dog's name and brought them a treat, but forgot your birthday. Honestly, good for them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, can't remember everybody's birthday.
Speaker 2:Oh, I was just oh yeah hunter says tier one, look, you're pointing at will. You really know me? If you love my dog and, honestly, if you forget my birthday, I'm not upset. Laura did forget my birthday this year I wasn't under a lot of pressure and I didn't care I knew you still loved me.
Speaker 1:It's true, you were like are you okay?
Speaker 2:I did give you those socks, you did my brother took them bitch because he saw them, because we were well, we went to that event and he's like I'm gonna wear these and then I never saw them again, but whatever grateful. Dead socks, by the way uh, you cried in front of them once and they offered you gum. Honestly, that is something close to what will lock me could do to you, and I love you so yeah, yeah, it's a nice gesture. It's a near thing.
Speaker 1:Sorry, you feel that way, that's the awkward guy sitting next to you on the plane who's like oh my God, this person is crying. What do I do? Would you like a piece of gum?
Speaker 2:You're a rarity that I was still cried to. This is a situation similar to like I sent someone to text. Might have misread our closeness and if I read that you're uncomfortable with me trying to disclose something, I don't feel like I'm a super over share anymore. Fingers crossed um, I would just take that as a little information that we are. We are on the the lower end of that, tier two and three, and we might just need to just data, just let that data sink in.
Speaker 2:We might still be friends and I'm gonna keep keep some of this stuff to myself.
Speaker 1:OK, so what do we if you're walking through this right now? Let's say specifically I think the most harmful of this scenario is if you thought someone was super high up in the tier rank and then you find out they're not. Like something happens and it's super disappointing. What do you say to that person? How do they adjust without needing to ghost that person?
Speaker 2:To be honest, I would like look at maybe your part, like were they giving back as much as you were putting in? Like I know what I put into a friendship, I hope I get back and if I don't, I'm not angry, I'm not bitter, it's just information. So I would look at it as information and maybe it. You know, we have a pretty loose term for bound, like loose meaning of boundary. We don't think you have to be like I'm putting a boundary in place. Maybe you're just more boundary, like, okay, I know we can get coffee and go on walks or like hang out in big groups, but these are not my, my core people and don't spend any time being resentful. I mean, unless they were mean. But that's not even what we're talking about.
Speaker 1:No, yeah, I think it's just like misreading it and I would also say too, like, uh, lean in. I think sometimes when you misread a relationship, it gives you an opportunity to really appreciate the ones you do have that are really high up there. That you know, like I'm not off on these three or four people that I know are just like super tight and for some people it's just one. Like you know, my son is about to move really far away and go to a school and I told him and he's like I'm nervous about meeting people because where I am I have all these people that I went to high school with and I know them and I'm like you know what man, you just need one. So as long as you didn't misread the one you had, and if that's the scenario, book a therapy appointment, find somebody to talk to about that, because that's really really hard.
Speaker 2:But I think sometimes misreading it just gives you some perspective and I would say, if it's the other way, like someone misread, for you that's an incredibly important place for boundaries and, for instance, there's a mother of a child in one of my kids grades and she texts me, sometimes like at 9, 10, 11 o'clock at night to make plans for the next day. And that's just not how I function as a parent. I'm absolutely asleep and I responded and I'm like, hey, I usually have to make plans this far in advance and like I just have to boundary the stuff, like we aren't that close to be making plans At 11pm and that's what we're going to do also just as A heads up on 11pm texters If you ever text them back, you just gave them a permission Slip.
Speaker 1:I've got a lady in my life that, for real, I do not text her after 7 pm because I know she is hitting the bottle hard and it's just not going to be the vibe for me and that's no offense to her. Like, get after it, sis, but like I just know I have a boundary, I don't text those people. So if you have somebody who's doing, who's crossing a boundary, always wait and text them when it is an appropriate time for you.
Speaker 3:I have a 9 pm to 9 am, unless it's important or just a silly friend thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 4:No texting 9 pm to 9 am, and I'm up way early in the morning.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And I love like my grandmother texts me or whoever, early in the morning, it's great. But like work stuff, I just I'm not going to text anybody until 9 am because I don't know their schedule.
Speaker 1:They may want to sleep a little bit. Yes, agreed, yep, I love that. Okay, well, if you're going through that and it's hurting you, we're really sorry. A lot of compassion around that, but we hope this was funny. Good yeah, pick up that girl that sounded funny and fun.
Speaker 2:Our jaws were on the ground Before you Cut Bangs is hosted by Laura Quick and Claire Feerman and produced by Will Lockamade.
Speaker 1:Follow along with us everywhere. Please subscribe to the podcast. No-transcript.
