Before You Cut Bangs
Hosted by Laura Quick and Claire Fierman, “Before You Cut Bangs” is full of hilarious conversations about real life, common and uncommon crises, and possible cosmetic errors that come along with it. Through storytelling and therapeutic wisdom, Claire and Laura share how to NOT fuck up your hair (and life) while walking through similar situations,
Produced by Will Lochamy
Before You Cut Bangs
3.1 Are We Over-Therapized? When Healing Becomes a Hobby
You’ve got boundaries, triggers, and toxic traits—but do you have a therapist? 👀
In this episode, Laura and Claire unpack the rise of therapy-speak and how we’ve turned healing into a hobby and trauma into a TikTok trend. From calling your ex a narcissist (because a girl on Instagram said so) to diagnosing your boss as “emotionally unavailable,” we’re all fluent in self-help now—just not always fluent in self-awareness.
🧠 What we get into:
• How “doing the work” turned into posting about the work
• Why therapy language makes great content but terrible communication
• The fine line between “I’m setting boundaries” and “I’m just avoiding accountability”
• And how your words are literally building the house you have to live in 🏠
It’s funny. It’s honest. It’s slightly uncomfortable—like realizing your “healing era” might actually be your “main character delusion.” 😅
Welcome to Before You Cut Bangs. I'm Laura Quick and I'm Claire Fearman. I am a professional storyteller, a CEO, a mom, and a shit talker.
SPEAKER_02:I am a therapist, a coach, also mom. I would say decent wife, an excellent friend. Also, a little disclaimer: while I am a therapist, I am not your therapist. And uh Nor's Laura, we are not your coaches, and certainly not Will Lockmany. Honestly, you shouldn't trust us that much unless things are going really well.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, if it hits home, roll with it.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I'd say they could listen to me.
SPEAKER_01:Well, we are back from summer break. And it's fall, y'all.
SPEAKER_00:We all got tanned.
SPEAKER_01:Did we?
SPEAKER_00:I got burned. I got burned.
SPEAKER_02:Where'd you go?
SPEAKER_00:Well, the lake. And you know, I just went out on the boat. It was very cloudy. I was like, well, we're just gonna go out for a minute. And four hours later, we get back, and the sun had gotten like come out right as we went out. And so just baking. Just baking. I felt really irresponsible.
SPEAKER_02:So you didn't pack a bag with sunscreen in it? Where was Danielle at? Like she was.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, right next to me. She had she had no, she had plenty of sunscreen on it. Yeah. Oh, okay. Of course. I mean, but my kids were disappointed in me.
SPEAKER_01:Oh. Okay, what about you? What about me? What? Summer very tight.
SPEAKER_00:How burned did you get?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, I have bronze like a good one. How many races have you done? Um, I raced three times this summer and um got a lot of good color on my skin, feeling bronzed, healthy, hydrated.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, all those things. I did do one run with you, five and a half miles. It was invigorating. And uh I did think I was gonna die several times, but I didn't die. And since then, we've we've been kind of on a little health journey, you and I.
SPEAKER_00:Proud of you guys for those. Thank you. I like it.
SPEAKER_02:Thank you. Turns out, as much as like it's a pain to start, it does work and make you feel good.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, it's very addictive. And here's the thing, though, heads up, you're in it, you're gonna be in it. Like if you miss if you start missing days and stuff, you'll feel emotionally. I feel bad if I miss a day.
SPEAKER_02:I skipped three days this week because of travel, and I was like laying in bed being like, when am I gonna lace up my sneakers? Oh my god. It's crazy.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it's true. I do say that is true. I think that there is like a once you have that pull, you always want to keep it up. Okay, but today we're back and we're talking about something that I think is um.
SPEAKER_02:Well, it has it has nothing to do with running.
SPEAKER_01:So definitely. And honestly, yeah, but it is annoying.
SPEAKER_02:What is it? As is running. Is that what you're saying?
SPEAKER_01:Well, I think runners who talk about running sometimes you're annoying as well.
SPEAKER_02:Um, okay, so today one of my favorite topics that really gets me riled up is the misuse and overuse of therapy words or pop psychology, pseudo-psychology words that have been a part of everybody's everyday language now. And knock it off.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, knock it off. And it's really coming from a I think this place of love. No. Well, I think what happens is social media is doing what social media does, right? So everybody's an expert. And what we're having, and I see this because I'm around a lot of people that are younger than me, just like work-wise. So they're all like 20-something, not all of them, but a lot of them are 20-something. And what I'm seeing is there's a lot of buzzwords being used. And because I'm such an advocate for therapy and in therapy myself, I'll say, like, oh, are you seeing someone? You know, you're talking about that with somebody, and they're like, no, I just follow this girl on Instagram. And I'm like, oh, okay. So a lot of like, I'm triggered, he's gaslighting me, narcissism, everybody's a fucking narcissist.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, fun fact about gaslighting, I didn't know what that was until recently. Like in my whole life, I've you've heard the term.
SPEAKER_01:Did you learn about it here on the podcast? Because we did talk about it.
SPEAKER_00:Oh. No, I can't remember exactly where I but it was in the last five years or so. I finally like, I need to like really understand gaslighting and see examples of it or whatever. And of course, now I completely understand what it is. But I think it was it was just kind of thrown around a lot, and one of those words I'd never just actually opened the dictionary and read about. But now I know.
SPEAKER_02:Well, and if it's really happening, it's really terrible. It's not just like right, accidentally misleading somebody or tricking somebody, or and it's not even just manipulation, it's just that's manipulation.
SPEAKER_01:Gaslighting's horrible. Well, gaslighting makes you think you're crazy, but and I think that that's the the problem, right? The problem with these things being like cultural buzzwords is that we're removing what they really are, and they're just becoming a part of your everyday vernacular. And so you can start weaponizing these things that are actually really happening to some people, and that's where things get scary.
SPEAKER_02:So social media made everybody a therapist. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people or heard from people, you know, I watch something on TikTok, I watch something on Instagram, and I think I have this thing. I don't think it's a horrible tool that we're getting more information, but we all don't have to have a diagnosis. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And look, the the medical stuff, I do think that's a problem, right? Right. You see, yeah, like even with like ADHD, which I is a medical thing. That every time I see, like, oh, take this ADHD test, like, hey, cut it out. TikTok. You're no, you're not a doctor.
SPEAKER_01:Well, and and again, we go, it goes back to like consumerism. Everybody's an expert because they read a book and then all of a sudden they want to be a thought leader.
SPEAKER_02:They didn't read books, they also saw something on Instagram or TikTok. And then they chat GPT'd it, and they're like, oh my gosh, this is what I have. So we have like the highest rates of mental illness right now. Well, why wouldn't we? Everyone self-diagnosing as something and maybe not even being treated for it. And we're all, I gosh, I think I'm using big words, like all and everybody. Oftentimes we're naming these things without working through it. And I rarely say this, but I'm like, can we tough, we can toughen up a little bit, and that's not so bad.
SPEAKER_01:Well, and it also creates this is the thing that scares me the most. If you're talking about something or ruminating on it all the time. So, like, I subscribe and believe that whatever you're saying about yourself and about your environment will be true for you. So, like the words you speak really matter. So if you're walking around using phrases you heard on Instagram or on TikTok about being triggered or narcissism or um gaslight, I'm constantly being gaslit by my boss or my boyfriend or whatever. If that is the the words you're speaking, you are, it's the house you're building that you have to live in, right? And so why that's harmful is it could create this illusion of I'm making progress because I'm talking about these things and I have this new language to talk about it with. But what is actually happening?
SPEAKER_02:Well, so what you're talking about is the distinction between having words and working through something and living differently. So it's the same thing as if someone like has a Facebook rant about something political, they likely feel relief afterwards and get a huge dopamine hit. So, same thing if I see Laura, and I would never do this, but let's say I did this, and I'm like spouting out therapy words, and it is concise and it's pretty how I said it, and I sound really educated, I'm gonna get that same like rush and false belief that I've changed the world. Like the person posting something on Facebook about politics didn't change policy. They ranted so and they feel good about it. And so if I go to you, rant and rave, use pseudotherapy words, I'm gonna feel better, but I haven't shifted anything. I just learned a new word. I could learn a new recipe, and I'm not gonna sign up for the great British baking show. Well, why not? Why not? Something to think about.
SPEAKER_00:When people post about politics on Facebook, it gives them that dopamine hit and it sucks all the dopamine out of my brain. Like when I have to read it.
SPEAKER_02:That's why it's deleted off my phone right now.
SPEAKER_01:And I'll say, I do think, golly, we've all been kind of taking a little, I don't know, all Claire and I have definitely pulled back from social media for sure. Maybe that's one of the things we're taking from summer break. But I will say I think that that's the other thing. And it's a generational, because you see this. Like, I think that you're seeing Gen Z right now really leaning into this vernacular and using these words. And using it against their parents, by the way. Okay, I do have a story. I recently had a conversation with a Gen Zer who's early, early 20s, and I said something that maybe could have been offensive because they were talking about sexual orientation. And I don't, I wasn't trying to be offensive, and honestly, it was it was someone I'm in deep relationship with. So they brought up that they are a certain sexuality, and I was like, oh, I've not observed that about you. I've seen you as just in heterosexual relationships, and um, and they were like, I'm deeply offended that you don't respect this pansexuality that I'm saying that I am.
SPEAKER_00:I was gonna jokingly say pansexual, but that's real.
SPEAKER_01:That's an actual thing.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, I know what it is. I'm saying I was joking that they were gonna say.
SPEAKER_01:Well, and I was like, I think that you're using this to belittle me because maybe this is something I'm still trying to lean into and understand. And I want to understand, but you don't have to take something that you feel like you fully understand and belittle me while I'm still figuring it out. I love you. I would love anyone, anyone you love, I'm gonna do my best to welcome them and make them feel love too. And I was like, but at this moment, why are we talking about it this way?
SPEAKER_02:You're talking about weaponizing, which I I want to also talk about how we weaponize our therapists and what they say. But the the part where it's doing the work rather than just talking about the work, that is so subtle. Doing my work and shifting and growing isn't a 180. It's and I've said it on here before, it's the two-degree shift. It's recognizing things like, okay, I'm really anxious right now. I know what that feels like in my body. I know what I need to do to move through it. I don't actually have to post about it or even call anybody about it. And I don't have to sit and stay in it, which is something we did in therapy about a decade ago, is notice the feeling and sit with it, sit with it, sit with it. Well, we all sat with it until we're just obsessed with these feelings instead of being curious and noticing. So doing the work is working with someone that knows how to diagnose, knows how to walk you through, and then you take these itty bitty steps outside and practice it.
SPEAKER_01:Well, and my observation personally, okay, so I've been on a healing journey, let's call it, for the last, and I'm gonna say more than a decade because I've been doing personal work for more than a decade, seeing therapists, doing, trying tons of different modalities just based on what I'm experiencing, whether it's like body work or um experiential therapy, whatever it is. We had gongs played over our feet. We literally had a massage therapist gong the shit put a gong on our ass and run around the room. And I chanting.
SPEAKER_00:I didn't I'm out, I'm out. I know I've told you before, but if this happens, I'm gonna just be laughing too much.
SPEAKER_01:I kind of want to make you an appointment. I'm gonna Ven mower. You know what I mean? I'm gonna be like, hey, thanks for your hard work today. You really put the miles in around this table.
SPEAKER_02:But we've tried some things that may or may not have been placebo and some that have been really effective. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01:But what I'll say about doing the work and experiencing what Claire's talking about, that two degree shift. Um, in my experience, real healing is quiet. It's not loud. It doesn't need to talk about it. It doesn't need to boast about it. It happens quietly with trusted people, trut trusted witnesses, whether that's your therapist or your really close network of friends, those tier one people that know what you're going through and understand how to be there for you, whether that's just holding space or letting you cry or pouring the wine or making the appointment or taking the hike or making you do the run, which I was really thankful to do. But I think that when I see somebody talking about it so much, it gives the alarm that maybe they're not working through it. And I'm not saying that's true all the time, but that's an observation.
SPEAKER_02:Well, and I want to be clear I'm not talking about someone with a bipolar one diagnosis or major depressive disorder. That's a different ball game of typically needs medication and full psychiatric care, and it looks really different. What we are talking about is the rampage people are on that we all have anxiety, that we're all triggered, that we all have trauma. And I and everybody's in a relationship with a narcissist, and I want to course correct that a little bit. I used to believe, and I'm sure if you were my client 10 years ago, I'm sorry I said this to you. I really believed that trauma, and maybe I've said it on here, but I've really come back off of it, that trauma was anything less than the ideal. Well, that really diminishes the big T traumas that I've seen as a clinician and in my own life. We're just people, and peopling is hard. And it doesn't mean it has to like totally alter our brain chemistry if we get into a fender bender or have a breakup or get a little bit of anxiety before a test. That's humanity. And so a big hope I have in this episode is some of this is just human and what a great thing to just be human. And it doesn't have to be a label.
SPEAKER_01:Well, and also what a gift we can give ourselves, like she just said, of just like, wait, if if this is just the messy human experience, I don't have to label it. And when I don't label it, I'm not speaking I'm not speaking the house, like again, whatever words you speak, you're building the house you have to live in. Are you happy with the words you're saying over yourself every day? Are you excited about that? Does it make you want to jump into the house? Would you want to invite other people over to live in the house you're building with your words? Like I'm nervous that we have we're living in a generation of people who so deeply want to get better. But instead of actually getting better, we're just talking about getting better.
SPEAKER_02:But maybe we don't even have to get better. Yeah. Maybe it's just like growing up a little bit or shifting or learning something new because what we've done is made it like performative to have these issues. And I can't right or that healing has become this like way of living. And I sound like such a B-word right now. But she means bitch, but in the case you were wondering. I've stopped cussing on the podcast. No, it's not true. For season three, I don't talk about orgasms or cuss words anymore.
SPEAKER_00:And losing listeners.
SPEAKER_02:All right. Everybody just checked out. She's back. She's kidding. She's kidding. She's totally come back. We just don't know. Not on this episode. Okay. So I don't want to say a negative Nancy cycle. Um, I have been in the performative piece before because it's so protective. Like, look at how great I'm doing because I'm a mom. I'm also a therapist. I'm all of these things. So it's protective. We perform to protect, and it also protects us from having to be accountable to what is really going on. So if I can perform, I don't have to account for the shitty thing I did or how I didn't do the work, or I snapped at you, or fill in the blank.
SPEAKER_01:Listen, I know that something that I feel really convicted about since we're disclosing, you were like, oh, I maybe told you this 10 years ago. I will say I think that my tendency, and I'm learning this even now as a 42-year-old, my tendency is because I don't talk about what I'm going through when I'm going through it, and I try to be on the other side of it, I can make my life look really shiny. I can make it look like really like it's it must all be good all the time. And it's just not. And again, I think that that sucks. And we all, that's the culture we live in, though. Make it look good even if it isn't good. And that's different than what we're talking about right now because I think that the words we speak when we are ready to talk about it are different than this like word vomit of just I'm triggered boundaries, narcissism, blah blah blah. Anyway, that was a weird tangent. I liked it actually.
SPEAKER_02:So that was a little self-disclosure. What she's trying to say to wrap this up.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, we talked about that before with you. Oh, yeah. And so yeah. It's true. It's okay.
SPEAKER_01:It's still a thing, guys.
SPEAKER_02:I'm 42 and I'm still working through it. Putting a pretty bow on things. So, my challenge for people is just notice if you're saying things like triggered boundaries, anxiety, and these are all gaslighting, narcissism. These are great words and they have purpose and they have meaning. Start to notice how often you're saying them. And before you get it out, pause and decide like what is going on for me right now. And so the real help comes in when we seek therapy, when we have a counselor. Honestly, when we find somebody just to move through our stuff with, I might even get crazy and say, not everything is a therapeutic issue. Some things might be like, take a walk with your friend.
SPEAKER_01:Again, the difference between trauma versus the human experience, right? Yeah. Like just making sure that you have a healthy filter around that. And if you don't feel like you do, if this is coming up and you're like, damn, I am doing that a lot, maybe it is time to book a therapy session and be like, I'm talking about these things more than I'm moving through them.
SPEAKER_02:Yes. And not everything has to have a diagnosis. So we are humans with human problems, and not everything has to be diagnosable. And so I was gonna say I don't have a diagnosis. I have two. But regardless, I still have generalized anxiety disorder and ADHD. Regardless, when I'm going to my current therapist, it isn't always like it's rarely focused on the diagnosis. I'm working through kind of what's happening in my life. And we take pauses and then we'll do weekly therapy. Diagnosis isn't everything unless it is. And that's for those people that have the diagnoses that I talked about earlier that probably require medication, that probably require like long-term psychiatric care. But take the pressure off you. You don't have to have a diagnosis because TikTok said it.
SPEAKER_00:Is there anything good that comes from social media talking about this stuff, like awareness maybe of some of some things?
SPEAKER_01:Yes. Here's what I do think. I think that if you're really good at controlling your algorithm and you are looking at experts in the field, like truly, if you're following a really well-known therapist who's putting great content out, they're gonna point you to getting better rather than just letting you ruminate and live inside of terminology. I mean, that's my opinion.
SPEAKER_02:I agree. I'm on kind of a big swing right now of so this is 100% personal. I've deleted Instagram and Facebook because I wanted to notice when I was using it, how I was using it, and how else could I use my time. I can do so many different things as it would turn out. Um, and how much my mind was was being conditioned to post something, look at something. Like when I took Bertie to a concert this week, my first instinct, as many of ours are, is like, oh, I need to film this so I can post it later or right now. And I'm looking around at all these young people, and it is like Snapchat, Instagram, TikTok, and they're like not even watching, they're watching through their camera lens, or they're watching to see what people are watching them watch this, and it crushed me. So yeah, there's there's a Laura and I have an obsession on Instagram with this one therapist who is brilliant and changing the game. I love her. Is there a benefit to that? Did she make me think about how I practice? Yes, but guess what? Outside of that, I I think we have other ways to find out information.
SPEAKER_00:TikTok.
SPEAKER_02:I was thinking like people in the world. I was thinking about Victoria and where are we going? No, I'm not no, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_00:It's joking. Yeah, but I pulled way back from Facebook and Instagram, but not TikTok.
SPEAKER_02:That was a long way for me to say, yes, there's benefit, and I agree, and you have to be really selective, but I would challenge everyone. Like, see what it's doing for you. I'm so tired of it.
SPEAKER_01:I agree. I mean, look, uh, don't we all go through the seasons of just like fuck it, I'm done with that. I want to be over it.
SPEAKER_02:If I'm just in one, I'll own it. It's me, not you.
SPEAKER_01:No, and totally, and I think I will say I love my algorithm. Like it serves me things that I'm like, wow, this really feels like it's making me better. And I think that the if you're using it the right way, which I'm like a 15 minute a day kind of social person, um, but I'm also 15 minute a day in my email. So good luck getting through.
SPEAKER_02:But taped email. Okay. Um, finishing thoughts, anyone?
SPEAKER_00:People is hard. You said that. I've never heard that word. But you said peopling is hard.
SPEAKER_02:It is.
SPEAKER_01:Humans mean humans is just a bitch sometimes.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, let's just go with peopling. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:There she is. The human condition is uh challenging. I mean, I think that what we want you to what you what we are saying to you and what we hope you're taking away from this is that we've done it too. It's easy to get caught up in a cycle where you're talking about things more than you're doing something about them. And if you are, observe it and maybe make a shift.
SPEAKER_02:And the doing is so much more simple than we make it out to be. Yep.
SPEAKER_00:Cut it out with these political boosts.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, top it. Dad, drop it. Exactly.
SPEAKER_02:Before you cut bangs is hosted by Lara Quick and Claire Fearman and produced by Will Lockamy.
SPEAKER_01:Follow along with us everywhere. Please subscribe to the podcast. Find us on Instagram. We're constantly doing polls. We want to know what you think. And I know that you probably know this, but reviewing us and giving us five stars matters more than anything, and we are so grateful to have you here.
SPEAKER_02:We talk so much on the podcast about seeking therapy, getting help, finding resources. I would love to be able to help you with that. My website is up and running and beautiful. It is goodgrowthwithclaire.com. So, whether you're in the state of Alabama or not, I want to be able to help direct you to the right resources. Goodgrowth with Claire.com.
