Before You Cut Bangs
Hosted by Laura Quick and Claire Fierman, “Before You Cut Bangs” is full of hilarious conversations about real life, common and uncommon crises, and possible cosmetic errors that come along with it. Through storytelling and therapeutic wisdom, Claire and Laura share how to NOT fuck up your hair (and life) while walking through similar situations,
Produced by Will Lochamy
Before You Cut Bangs
3.2 Digging Out of Overwhelm: When Capacity Feels Like a Myth
In this week’s episode, Laura and Claire get real about what it looks like when life tips from busy to buried. Laura confesses to nearly ending up in Southwest Airlines jail after a full-blown airport meltdown, while Claire shares her own spiral into chaos courtesy of a nightmare insurance claim.
Together, they unpack why overwhelm sneaks in even when everything looks “fine,” how to recognize when your tank’s actually empty, and why doing hard things (like trail running, emotional honesty, or even saying “no”) can stretch your capacity in the best ways.
Because sometimes the only way to handle life’s turbulence is to laugh, lace up, and start running toward the mountain—one dramatic story at a time.
Welcome to Before You Cut Bangs. I'm Laura Quick and I'm Claire Fearman. I am a professional storyteller, a CEO, a mom, and a shit talker.
SPEAKER_03:I am a therapist, a coach, also a mom. I would say decent wife, an excellent friend. Also, a little disclaimer, while I am a therapist, I am not your therapist. And uh Norse Laura, we are not your coaches, and certainly not Will Lockney. Honestly, you shouldn't trust us that much unless things are going really well. I mean, if it hits home, roll with it.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, so they could listen to me.
SPEAKER_03:Okay. We're back and didn't change outfit. Same day, guys.
SPEAKER_02:Same day. It's also fall, y'all. In case y'all forgot. Look at this little sweater.
SPEAKER_00:We should really talk to the just audio listeners and let them know they can see us now. Like, really, really serious.
SPEAKER_02:We're on YouTube. It's called season three. We got a little budget, guys. We're rocking it out. It's great.
SPEAKER_03:We feel prepped. I put on a full face of makeup. You look good.
SPEAKER_00:Got my makeup.
SPEAKER_03:All right. I got ready without a mirror this morning.
SPEAKER_00:You remember like last uh the season finale, I talked about I got a new backpack. Remember? Anyway, my my uh makeup's in the old backpack.
SPEAKER_03:Your compact to powder your nose. You're not even that shiny. You're fine, you're fine, you're fine.
SPEAKER_00:I've been thinking about it, but this is light.
SPEAKER_03:I am pumped about this episode. Last episode, I was mildly negative, but this one I'm thrilled by. Yes. Thrilled by. Um, we are talking about capacity. If you work with me, you're probably like, goodbye, because it's I'm obsessed. It's what I talk about constantly and have for months. So do you want to define it or do you want to talk first? Well, no, I mean I sing.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I obviously would love to give you my rendition of three blind mice, which is how I make it through difficult things that are stretching my capacity. I will sing every fucking song I know. Um, I think so. When I think about capacity, I think about what I'm capable of without moving into overwhelm. Right. So when I move into overwhelm, I know that I'm in an uncomfortable, uncharted territory of um my body, my brain, my mind, my heart, my soul, whatever is saying, oh, we don't know how to do this. Um, we're uncomfortable. All the warning flags are going off at the same time. For me, this happens when I deal with customer service people. It's their one job is to service the customer, be kind, be kind and be helpful. And when you're not kind and helpful to me, I still have such a growth edge in this area. I am like, why are you this way? Who do you think you are to not help me? Comcast.
SPEAKER_00:Do you get the things that you want from Comcast? Like when you're talking to customer service folks.
SPEAKER_03:I will say that she almost went to Southwest Airlines jail the other day. Okay, recently. All right, all right.
SPEAKER_02:That did, first of all, when I'm flying Southwest, this episode is about Lara's lack of capacity, is there? This is an iteration about me not being able to do it. So um, when things are really hard, tight, terrible, I have to fly Southwest. And it's a low moment for me. And this is no offense to everybody who loves Southwest. It's just that normally you pick an airline and you're loyal to them because the reports, right? Exactly. I'm a Delta girl. Okay. That's just who I no one got anything but. All right. Well, anyways, I've recently had to fly Southwest. Don't say had to fly, you didn't.
SPEAKER_00:There it was again. Here it was again.
SPEAKER_03:Oh.
SPEAKER_02:Recently I wasn't able to fly Delta. I just flew southwest. Okay, I flew southwest. And when we shut up.
SPEAKER_00:No.
SPEAKER_02:Listen, hush. I'm doing the best I can. I had had a difficult phone call before boarding the plane, and I forgot to consolidate my cross-body tiny little purse into my bag. And when I got up to the front to scan my ticket, and you know, as a 12 or whatever I was, the best position I could get to get on the stand. And she was like, Maybe I'll have to go. I was like, yes, ma'am, absolutely. I take it off, I shove it in my bag that's on top of my roller, and she said, You'll need to step to the side and zip that. And that felt shameful. It felt like she was condescending me in front of all of my A people, A friends.
SPEAKER_00:Well, A12.
SPEAKER_02:I mean, there's no A1. Okay, well, you have to be a loyalty person to get an A1, and I wasn't, so A12 is what I could pay for. Um, and um I hated it, and so I said, I actually asked, You're gonna kill me when I say this. I was like, is that regulated by the FDA?
SPEAKER_00:Oh no.
SPEAKER_02:FDA FDA first of all the food and drug administration.
SPEAKER_00:She meant to say FAA.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, I didn't, I was blackout. I was blackout. And I said, I've never heard that rule. Is that of is that standardized? And she was like, you'll step over or I'll call security.
SPEAKER_00:And I said, and I said, I guess we're gonna roll the dice. Oh, this is making me nervous.
SPEAKER_02:I was like, you do what you have to do. If you want to call security, I said this in front of everyone. I was like, if you want to call security, because my bag is not zipped up, I would love to see them pull me off this plane. Oh, and then I were people filming yet?
unknown:No.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, you didn't know it, but yes, people were This is when people are like, it's gonna happen.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:All right. Well, that makes me more uncomfortable. Anyways, my capacity this day.
SPEAKER_03:Very low.
unknown:Very low.
SPEAKER_03:So what happened?
SPEAKER_02:I called Jessica, whose husband was a real estate trooper. So I was like, I'm about to go to jail. I'm gonna go to Southwest Jail, which I imagine is probably the worst jail that ever has existed. And I need and she was like, He's in Montana, he can't help you. I was like, You need to be ready to get me out of jail today. And she was like, What did you do? And I tried to tell her, but I was like very upset. And I was honestly crying. I mean, it was a bad thing. I was already having a bad day.
SPEAKER_03:Sure. That's the point of capacity. It's not like you're always a raging bitch to I hope to airline employees.
SPEAKER_02:First of all, I'm not a raging bitch normally. I don't mean something bad had happened before. Something bad had happened. I was in, it was a trauma response. I hated her. I felt like she was treating me like a child. And I hated that. And anyways, I did not go to jail.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, but I think you're missing part of the story. Because I she says to you, if you don't do that, you know, I'm gonna call security and you say, whatever. Did security come?
unknown:No.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, she didn't call security. Okay, I need that part of the story.
SPEAKER_02:She wasn't going to call security. She was being legalistic with me because she didn't like that I didn't zip my bag when she said it.
SPEAKER_01:No, for sure.
SPEAKER_02:For me, I'm like looking around, I'm like, there's lots of people without zip bags. I don't understand why I have to zip my bag. I know why it happened. I could I could tell you why I think it happened. I won't. I won't. But I could. Southwest.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, I feel good now that we have enough of the story.
SPEAKER_02:Okay. Yeah. FDA. My never correct me. Okay.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, if you say FDA, I love that. You're talking about FAA.
SPEAKER_02:All right. I know. Listen, fighter. Pile it over here. Listen, Mr. Auburn. Okay. So in this moment where my capacity is extremely low and I'm in fight or flight or freeze or whatever. I needed to drop somebody off with Bonnie, but couldn't, right? In this moment, I chose fight violence. And this was a signal to my body. I am so uncomfortable. I am in such overwhelm that I do not have the tools to navigate this situation in a way that I'll be proud of. I am not proud of who I was that day. I hate that version of me. I would have much rather been kind, pulled to the side, zipped up my bag, like not that big of a deal, right? And from this perspective, when I'm not overwhelmed, I can see that. But in that moment, I was doing the best I could, truly. But I'm not proud of the best at that moment. Shut the hell up. Well, I'm proud of you. You literally, I'm proud of you.
SPEAKER_00:I'm proud of you.
SPEAKER_03:Don't say you're proud of me.
SPEAKER_00:But I am. Okay.
SPEAKER_03:So what Laura's saying. All right. How I imagine capacity is if I'm unloading my groceries, you've never seen a magician like me, right? Like I can wiggle it out. I can have like two bags on a package.
SPEAKER_02:300 pounds of groceries on your tiny little body.
SPEAKER_03:They're getting in on one trip and I'm pressing the button on the minivan to close that back hatch. Okay. Capacity is how much can I hold well at one time? If I load it up with groceries, I can always make it to the kitchen to unload them. But if I load it up with groceries and y'all were like, okay, walk two miles around your neighborhood with those groceries, the capacity can only stretch so far. Okay. I would have to be flexible. Well, I could carry half the groceries today. I could carry two of the bags and do the two miles. So if if you're unsure what capacity is, it's how much can I carry well without an epic fall apart? Now, carrying the grocery bags for two miles would be uncomfortable. Okay. The pinky would hurt. Okay, that's holding. It would die. Okay, but you know what I'm saying. So capacity doesn't mean if I have a lot of capacity, it doesn't mean I don't have discomfort. Right. It's learning how to be flexible within discomfort. That is capacity. Eventually, if we haven't, if we haven't had a little love, a little self-care, dealing with it, we talk to a Southwest agent about the food and drug administration. Right, yes. All right, so I'm not good at acronyms, everyone. Okay, but but that's the point. So that that's what capacity is. It's how emotionally resilient can I be in the middle of hard things? Okay. Are we all together?
SPEAKER_00:Oh yes. For me, I always try to, when we're talking about these things, like think, okay, where do I fit in? Like, where is my situation with capacity? And I think it's with having to respond to a certain number of people, right? Like that's where I get like so many. So, yeah, text. If I know there's like so many emails and so many texts that I have to respond to, then that's that's my thing.
SPEAKER_02:And I think it's really important to understand, and this is what we hope. When you're listening to this stupid story about me being the worst on Southwest, what I hope is you imagined a moment where you're not proud of yourself, like where you were functioning in a way that you're like, damn, looking back at that, I wish I would have done that differently. I wish I would have had the capacity to do that differently. That is an invitation for growth. And that's kind of like why we wanted to talk about capacity. Claire and I are obsessed with this one therapist that we both follow and love everything she says about it. And the truth is that if you're not aware of those moments when you're in crazy overwhelm, you will not stretch your capacity. You will sit and spin out in the same FDA Southwest situations over and over again and never grow from there. And instead, just you'll start saying things like, This is just who I am. Yes. And I just, I just handle it day by day, or whatever those stories that you're telling yourself are. And we hope, I mean, this is why we do this podcast. We I want to tell you the way I mess it up. Yeah. And then tell you this is a thing I'm working on. Hopefully, to write you a permission slip so you can be like, oh shit, do I have something?
SPEAKER_03:So kind of, so our last episode, the one right before this, was what was it about? I'm just kidding. So it was basically the overuse of these words, like triggers and anxiety. Overwhelmed is a really easy word to fall into. So kind of playing off of this past episode, a way to think about this. If you're an easily overwhelmed person, the tool for that in capacity is endurance. How do I endure things in emotional resiliency? So if I'm saying, oh, I'm just so easily overwhelmed, I'm so overwhelmed, shift the language. It's learning how to push yourself. There's tangible things around this. So my favorite topic is running, obviously. But what but this can be stretched in any way. So, how outside of emotional situations can I gain endurance? So is it lifting weights? Is it walking? Is it running? Is it going to yoga? Where am I stretching myself in other ways? So my brain becomes so adaptable to endurance, bigger capacity for these things. As we say this, we do these things. All three of us move our bodies and we have good friends and all of that, but we do max out some days. Will with text messages, Laura with customer service representatives. What about you? Well, I had a like a small version of my meltdown. So I got home from a trip. There had been a storm when I was gone, and when I got home, my hardwood floors were in disrepair.
SPEAKER_02:And let's just say this because they're beautiful. 1959, inch and a quarter, like gorgeous hardwood floors.
SPEAKER_00:And I was upset as it I in your defense. I I went to her house, I've seen this situation. I would have been very upset. And I don't get very upset. I I would have been shocked when I walked in.
SPEAKER_03:It was shocking. Yeah. And uh little tip in homeowners world, they will pay for something if it is a sudden event, and this was sudden. There's no other way to describe it, but it was shocking to come in and see my hardwoods and and the condition they were in. It looks like a little roller coaster. Um, literally.
SPEAKER_02:And you literally cannot open her front door because that's how bad the buckling is on the floors.
SPEAKER_03:So I immediately start phone calls, contractors, homeowners, insurance, everybody. And I am so nice. I'm like, gosh, I need to figure this stuff out.
SPEAKER_02:I see what I see what you're doing here.
SPEAKER_03:You're saying you're so nice, and I'm so we're getting to the capacity. Right, fine, okay.
SPEAKER_02:Fine, fine, fine.
SPEAKER_03:So for several weeks, I'm meeting with HVAC plumbing. Will came over with his putt buddy who deals with crawl space stuff. I've spoken to more men, no offense, than than I have in my lifetime. Okay. No one could tell me what was wrong, and my homeowner's insurance continuously denied the claim. And then I got on the phone with Trina, the homeowner's woman who got to sign my case. And I'm sure she regrets that. And I didn't yell at her, I cried my eyes out. And I'm like, I've just got a lot going on. You know?
SPEAKER_02:This is the difference between Laura and Claire.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. So I'm unloading my personal life on some woman at a customer service desk. And I'm like, I need somebody else here that tells me what this problem is. And then I'm like, it's because I'm a tiny woman, isn't it? And I'm losing it. But guess what? They sent an engineer. Okay. So we are, this occurred on July 29th. We are at, what's today? Well, the podcast is coming out in October, but it's September something, 1516. I have dealt until I couldn't deal anymore. After I had a complete come apart with a woman that I'll never meet in my life, I realized for me, I had been in such a protective mode of stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, let nobody see how upsetting this is. And then I cracked. And then I shifted into my favorite place, which was there is nothing I can do right now. Nothing. I don't have the information. Does it bother me that I'm going to have to get all of my hardwoods redone? Yes, it does, but there's nothing I can do about it. And guess what really helps? Acceptance. Well, literally running, if you have to run 15 miles in the woods, that's way harder than looking at some lumpy hardwood floors. Like it changed my brain. I push myself in all of these other ways that, yeah, it sucks, but there's nothing I can do.
SPEAKER_02:It's so interesting to me because I guess I didn't correlate those things until I went for that run with you. And you were like, it's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. Like we did this. She's like, we're gonna do a trail run. I am such a yes person that I'll say yes to anything and believe I can because that's how much of an optimist I am. And I was shocked after that five and a half mile run with you. One, that I could do it, I was so proud. Everybody can, but two, I was so proud of you because I was like, this is freaking hard. And she Claire does this shit like three, four times a week. I mean, she's gotten up to she's training for a 30k right now. Like that's a big deal. Is that right? 30K. Yeah. And I think that I was watching, I got to observe this in real time of you, of watching what was happening in your physical world, the physicality of what you were doing, how you were challenging yourself, and how I'd seen it trickle over into the hard parts that we don't talk about on the podcast that both you and I go through, but I get to observe them because we're friends. And I was watching this correlation from you, like this physicality thing, to oh, this is really changing how you're navigating your personal life.
SPEAKER_03:Toughness is like coming back. I think we went into this whole soft thing clinically for a long time. Toughness isn't bad or shameful to be tough around some things. So capacity is an active process. I build capacity by being active. So let's say, like, forget running before people quit listening. Let's say you're really into yoga. Yeah. If you're in a yoga class and you start thinking, oh my gosh, how much more of this can I take? I'm so bored. I want to go to the grocery store. You're reducing your capacity. But if you're on that yoga mat and you're like, okay, well, I can take a deep breath and put my right hand on the mat, you know, whatever they're telling you to do, you are mindfully there stretching your capacity. Same for weights, same for walking your dog, whatever it is. It is a physical practice of stretching your capacity. It can be also stretched doing things like, man, I have 200 emails to go through. That is gonna stretch me thin. So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna set a 45-minute timer and I'm going to endure emails for this long. I've stretched my capacity.
SPEAKER_02:It's the same thing that happens. This is personal experience, but I will say when you go from uh one-on-one therapy with a therapist to group therapy, talk about a stretching of your capacity because you are in a room witnessing other people's hard parts, and it is uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable to be a witness to someone else's stuff. And most times in group work, inadvertently or maybe on purpose. Sometimes I think on site does it on purpose. I think they look at everybody's file and they're like, oh, this person's gonna trigger the shit out of Laura, let's put them in there. But like, talk about stretching. Like when you can endure something really uncomfortable and make it through to the other side, physical, emotional, email, doesn't freaking matter, Southwest, FDA, you know what I'm talking about. Homeowners insurance, homeowners insurance, buckling of floors. Like, if you can make it through and not crack, but accept this is where I'm at and keep going, that's where that resiliency comes from.
SPEAKER_03:Because hard doesn't mean bad. So when I had you in the woods, it was hard. It was hard. But we I said things like, Oh, we get a walk break right up here. Look how beautiful this is downhill. This is downhill, and then we were like, we saw a beautiful owl. And you have these things where you're like, right here, right now. It's still hard, but look at this thing.
SPEAKER_02:The air conditioner, the air conditioner, couple air conditioned moments on Red Mountain Trail. It's amazing.
SPEAKER_00:Isn't that cool?
SPEAKER_02:It is the coolest thing I've ever seen.
SPEAKER_00:I didn't know. Yeah, here's the thing because it always blows.
SPEAKER_03:Explain what it is first for non-Alabama.
SPEAKER_00:It's a hole in the ground, basically it's a cave that would be terrifying to like slide in. It was a mine. Yeah, it was a mine, and so it just goes way, way, way down in the ground. And because of the different temperatures, whatever, it's always pushing air out. So when in the summertime, when you run by and it's hot, it's always pushing air out that's like 60 degrees. And it feels so good. But when you're out there running and it's 30 degrees outside, it's also pushing out 60 degree air. So it's oh so year-round, that air is the same temperature. And in the winter, you can like warm your hands up, like, oh, this feels so nice and warm. That's awesome. But it's an air control. I did not know that. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Well, you'll have to come back. Okay. Um, okay, so we have five tangible things that everybody can do to build the capacity. And the bonus one is now you know what capacity is. And bonus part B, please remember if I stretch my capacity, it doesn't mean I'm not in discomfort. I'm learning to tolerate discomfort without saying things like, I'm so overwhelmed, or I need a fresh diagnosis from this. So tangible items, micro discomforts. That is daily practice. I would never, I'm not a cold shower or cold plunge person, but people say that is helpful. Hard workouts, difficult conversations. Two, setting boundaries, but specifically saying no to what drains you, yes to what fulfills you. That's a capacity stretch. Um, daily discomfort, similar to micro discomforts, but daily discomforts is can I resist scrolling? Can I resist drinking that one glass of wine that I always have? Can I resist buying something on Amazon and notice the tolerance? So last episode I talked about my big swing away from social media. I think about it sometimes. Like it's resisting that. I was such a creature of comfort and scrolling. What can I do instead? Um, leaning into tension, that means if you're in any, Will's like la la la la la. If you're in any kind of conflict, it's like staying with it and staying present and believing that you get to go all the way through it. And the last one is incremental challenges. So if you're listening and you're like, well, I don't walk the dog, I don't go to yoga, do it. And I'm gonna push everybody, not once this week, like three times, two times, five times. Incremental changes are what build long-term capacity.
SPEAKER_02:And those are, you have to stack those things next to something you're already doing. So if you're trying to pull in a new habit, like walking your dog three times a week or whatever, it needs to be right after you brush your teeth or right after you have your morning coffee. Even if you don't want to. Even when you especially when you don't want to.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, it needs to be scheduled. Yes, yes. That's the thing. It's like exercise.
SPEAKER_02:If it doesn't hit your calendar, it probably won't happen.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:What do you do?
SPEAKER_00:Well, I exercise.
SPEAKER_03:But like at the same time.
SPEAKER_00:Say it again, though.
SPEAKER_03:At the same time every day?
SPEAKER_00:Oh, yeah, yeah. I have a schedule. Generally. Now I can rotate a little bit, but yeah, generally speaking. And so like people may think, like, well, yeah, but going to the gym or running, that's not like a necessity, but for me, it is so like on my calendar, like I can't book any kind of meetings during those times or whatever. Like it's it has to be done.
SPEAKER_02:And I would say that too. If you really want to pull in something to stretch your capacity, put it on your calendar. Like, really put it on your calendar. And then, of course, don't fly Southwest. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
SPEAKER_03:They're gonna sue us. Um, and then last thing, I know we focus a lot on moving because it's an active process. If for some reason you can't, you could find something new that's challenging, like learning how to play mahjong or like something that is difficult but will provide fun. Like you're just finding a way to stretch yourself. If you haven't read in a long time, read a book, like something that pushes you. Yes, movement is like my go-to, but just stretch your brain.
SPEAKER_02:100%. I would say, yeah, if you haven't read a book in a while, big fan. Man, you know that just one book a month puts you in the top five percent of the world of readers. One book a month will change. And like, who doesn't want to be that? Like, I think that it's Who didn't want to win? Who doesn't? You know, if you're not first, you're last.
SPEAKER_03:Before You Cut Bangs is hosted by Lara Quick and Claire Fearman and produced by Will Lockmade. Follow along with us everywhere.
SPEAKER_02:Please subscribe to the podcast, find us on Instagram. We're constantly doing polls. We want to know what you think. And I know that you probably know this, but reviewing us and giving us five stars matters more than anything, and we are so grateful to have you here.
SPEAKER_03:We talk so much on the podcast about seeking therapy, getting help, finding resources. I would love to be able to help you with that. My website is up and running and beautiful. It is goodgrowthwithclaire.com. So, whether you're in the state of Alabama or not, I want to be able to help direct you to the right resources. Goodgrowth with Claire.com.
