3.6 Adult Fears and Phobias Unpacked

From the absurd (snakes through sunroofs) to the profound (the fear of being unlovable), we’re diving into the vivid world of adult anxiety. This episode categorizes our fears into three distinct lanes: practical risks that need a plan, anxiety loops that need a nervous-system reset, and tender wounds that require compassion and community.

We explore why "white-knuckling" through phobias doesn't work and how tools like EMDR and exposure therapy can rewire your brain. Whether you need a checklist, a deep breath, or a witness to your story, this framework helps you balance grit with gentleness. Tune in to learn how to turn your "what-ifs" into actionable, brave steps.

Transcript

Meet The Hosts And Cat Tales

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Before You Cut Bangs. I'm Laura Quick and I'm Claire Fearman. I am a professional storyteller, a CEO, a mom, and a shit talker.

SPEAKER_01 0:13

I am a therapist, a coach, also mom. I would say decent wife, an excellent friend. Also, a little disclaimer, while I am a therapist, I am not your therapist. And uh Norris Laura, we are not your coaches, and certainly not Will Lockney. Honestly, you shouldn't trust us that much unless things are going really well. I mean, if it hits home, roll with it.

SPEAKER_04 0:33

Yeah, so they could listen to me.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

I did get a new kitten. Do you want to talk about it? Yes, his name is Leonardo DiCatrio. And Bruce Springstein, these are my cats. I am officially a cat lady. Welcome. Um, he's four weeks old. He was found in a dumpster. His mom was murdered, and then him murdered? Murdered. Literally killed him. I know. It's a very sad story. Who? I don't have names guys. Who did this? I would love to tell you their names. I don't know. It was in Huntsville. They found it in a um garbage pan can and then a um veterinarian clinic found them. And then a couple of different families took the the kittens to like nurture them back to health. And so one of my friends had this little kitty, and I saw him and was like, Well, if this is a boy, I'm gonna take it. Because I don't really know how to not let cats get pregnant. I have a friend who has like a whore cat that every time she goes to get it fixed, it's pregnant again. Why are you sparking like that?

SPEAKER_04 1:38

A whore cat? Is that what he said?

SPEAKER_00 1:40

Yeah, a whore cat. I mean, I just think this little slut is pregnant every time I go to her house, like every time. And she'll be like, the cat.

SPEAKER_01 1:48

Yeah, this little slut.

SPEAKER_00 1:51

Anyway, so I got um Leonardo DiCatrio. He's in a tabby, orange and white, and he's striped, and he's so little, he's four weeks old, and he fits in the palm of your hand, and I'm feeding him like formula, and it's a whole thing.

SPEAKER_04 2:04

I think I missed the play on words with the Bruce Springsteen one. What's that?

SPEAKER_00 2:08

So that's my first cat.

SPEAKER_04 2:09

It's just called Bruce Springsteen.

SPEAKER_00 2:10

Yeah, yeah. Oh, there's no cat.

SPEAKER_04 2:11

There's no cat pun. Well, the Leonardo DiCatrio I was expecting, I was like, wait, what was the cat?

SPEAKER_00 2:15

Well, I named him before I knew I was gonna be a cat lady, and I probably would have thought of one. I just really thought, you know, he was like kind of sleek and cute and black and white, and so I named him Bruce Springsteen.

SPEAKER_04 2:26

I feel like there's another word that goes right there before cat lady. What is it?

Setting Up The Adult Fears Topic

SPEAKER_00 2:29

Crazy. Oh my god. All right. Speaking of crazy, we're talking about fears. We're talking about adult fears unlocked. Like, what are they? Where the hell do they come from? And why the hell are they so crazy?

SPEAKER_01 2:43

When we asked our peeps.

SPEAKER_00 2:45

Hundreds. We got hundreds of responses between yours and mine and the Before You Cut Bank's account.

SPEAKER_04 2:51

It was are these like phobias like where they don't where like where the fear doesn't really meet the actual uh threat?

SPEAKER_01 2:59

Or are these like legit so it was all over the place because we weren't specific. We just said gr fears as an adult. It wasn't like from your childhood, or do you have any phobias? It was so vague, which made for the best responses.

SPEAKER_00 3:16

I mean, I think that like I had somebody say this, or maybe you did, and I'm like, damn, that is my fear, and I've had it since childhood, that there would be a snake in the toilet that would bite my ass. That was I I got that no less than five times. Yes. I also got it three times, and I'm like, okay, same, same. Maybe that's about like growing up in the south, and like snakes are just everywhere and they can literally get in your house.

SPEAKER_04 3:37

Well, and on Facebook over the years, I mean, there's been like a picture that's gone around. It's not something that's common. Yeah, at all. Like I not even remotely common.

SPEAKER_00 3:47

Like a plane crash level.

SPEAKER_04 3:49

Yeah, obviously playing planes are the safest form of transportation.

SPEAKER_01 3:53

But you know, it seems like one of those fears where it's like it's up there on people's lists, but it's not necessarily like we had a lot of toilet fears, a lot of I mean, it could have been a fish biting me in the butt on the toilet at the lake, which I could say.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

You mean the toilet is the lake? Yes, that is actually possible.

SPEAKER_04 4:13

Right. That, but um, that makes me worried that people don't know how toilets work. If they're worried about a fish being in the toilet, I can't confirm I know how a toilet works.

SPEAKER_01 4:21

I'm gonna be honest, Will, I don't know how a toilet works. Let's pivot this episode to plumbing.

SPEAKER_00 4:27

You know what? I know how much Will loves talking about bodily functions. Why are we wasting our time on fears when we could be talking about toilets?

SPEAKER_01 4:35

Okay, I think back to fears. Okay, so I just want to run through some of these and then we'll talk about where they come from and what you're supposed to do with it. To me, that's like the most boring part. Like, let's keep living this way. I like it. I like that you crazy people are scared of a snake falling in your sunroof while you're driving. Uh-huh. Never would that have occurred to me. Yes.

SPEAKER_04 4:57

No, but I'll say the hawks in my uh neighborhood, very often I see them like dangling snakes as they fly over.

Crowd-Sourced Fears: Toilets, Snakes, And Sunroofs

SPEAKER_01 5:05

Never talk about this again. Are you kidding? That was a girl named Elizabeth who sent, Elizabeth, I'm sorry you had to hear that. That's not in your neighborhood, of course.

SPEAKER_00 5:13

Of course, except for it's really close to your neighborhood, Elizabeth.

SPEAKER_04 5:17

But the chances of when that hawk drops that snake, if it drops the snake, that it's going to land in your sunroof. Very small chances a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 5:25

See, Elizabeth, you don't have to be afraid. Will said so. That's right. And Will is the very logical. Going to the courthouse, actual panic attacks just from going to the courthouse. Why why are they going to the courthouse? They didn't elaborate. There's not enough space on here to elaborate in the little box.

SPEAKER_04 5:40

That makes sense. What if I go to jail? Nothing good happening to the city.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

Well, I feel like you do a lot of like just maintenance things when you're going to the courthouse, though, right? You're getting your tags renewed if you do that sort of thing. I don't typically do that, but for people that do.

SPEAKER_04 5:53

Like, did I leave my gum in my back pocket when I go through the metal detector and the guy's gonna get mad at me?

SPEAKER_00 5:59

Do you always like I do often when I get pulled over, I'm like, they're gonna find drugs in my car, and I don't do any drugs. Is that like a weird no no no? Okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:08

It's TSA. What are they gonna find? I'm literally like, they're probably gonna find it. I lied going through customs. They were like, you know, do you have any gifts or souvenirs? And I was like, no.

SPEAKER_00 6:20

And I was just loaded down with sweaters, sweater bags, sweater bags, sweat of weather. She came back from the UK and sweat of weather.

SPEAKER_01 6:30

And I was like, no. And then you had to go through security again after that. And I was like, this is where they this is where they nabbed me.

unknown 6:38

Oh god.

SPEAKER_03 6:40

Like I'm a threat.

SPEAKER_00 6:41

And your parents watch you being taken off by TSA. Okay, here's one. Um, well, this one came from Shelly when we're talking, she's like, I just fear about getting old and not being able to control my bodily functions, you know, like the old lady in the grocery store that farts. She's like, I don't, I hate that. Like, I don't want that to happen to me. Or shitting my pants. Well, not a fan.

SPEAKER_04 7:03

Huh. She's not for that.

SPEAKER_00 7:04

No, yeah. And or shitting bathing suits was like a specific thing she said. Because I did that. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So she was like, that would be the worst.

SPEAKER_01 7:13

That was and it was the worst. Okay. I found, and then we'll keep going. Mine are coming in categories of what happened to these people. This is the craziest shit I've ever heard of. Kind of intrusive thoughts around parenting. Those were the parenting ones, and I get those for sure. Yeah. And then the third what were like tender fears that were like so real that I was like, oh, I want to hug you. I know. I appreciated those. But let's talk about these fucked up ones a little bit more. Um, I loved this one. I only fear ghosts and tornadoes because I can't shoot them if they come for me. Um, sending a screenshot of a text to the person who sent the text instead of my friend.

SPEAKER_04 7:58

Oh, yeah, that has happened to me too.

SPEAKER_01 8:00

Same. I was like, okay, and I just wanted to reiterate what we said here. So I'm gonna send it again.

SPEAKER_00 8:06

When how do you backtrack? I was dating a guy once and had this other guy that I was dating previously kept like sending like really sweet things, and I screenshot it to send it to the current guy I was dating and accidentally sent it to the other guy and was like, he just won't give up.

SPEAKER_03 8:22

No.

SPEAKER_00 8:23

Yes, it's like I still think about it and cringe deep down in my soul. And I want to like call that guy and be like, hey, I was a douche. I should have never done that. Um, also, yeah, what terrible. Okay, go on. I've done that.

SPEAKER_01 8:37

I get it. Okay, falling down the stairs and knocking all of my teeth out. Big cat escaping the zoo. I'm sorry I'm laughing, and killing one of my children. I just hadn't thought of that before.

SPEAKER_04 8:49

You live right there near the zoo.

SPEAKER_01 8:51

They kind of do actually know who this person is. Um, on the interstate and a log flies out of a log truck and through my windshield and impales me.

SPEAKER_04 9:00

Yeah, it does happen.

SPEAKER_01 9:02

It does. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 9:03

Not much, but it does, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:05

Yeah, I don't, if I'm behind one, I gotta get out of there.

SPEAKER_04 9:07

It's smart to get away. Yeah. You don't want to ride right by that log and I love this.

SPEAKER_01 9:11

I have too many intrusive thoughts to even answer. Oh. Uh, the anxiety I get around doing taxes every year is paralyzing. Same. And then I'm a file and extension, which just prolongs my anxiety, hate. Um, a tree or giant tree branch falling on me. I've had that one. Forgetting a bill is on automatic payment. Here come the grown-up ones. Here come the kid ones. That someone will kidnap my children for sure. Falling down the stairs with my baby, and the doctor not believing it was an accident.

SPEAKER_00 9:47

Okay, I will say, as a young mom, I for real Klay jumped out of the cart at Walmart when he was little and like landed on his face, and I was like, I'm losing him. Like they're gonna take him from me because it is a real mom fear. Yeah, because you're like, I I didn't know he was gonna bail out. When those wild little animals do crazy stuff. Okay, you ready for this one? Yeah, choking while eating fast food and driving and then going to the hospital but having bad underwear on.

SPEAKER_04 10:14

Well, that is so specific. What?

SPEAKER_00 10:16

It's a lot going on.

SPEAKER_04 10:18

Yeah, that has happened.

SPEAKER_00 10:19

There was another person who said choking while driving, eating fast food. Like, why are we to pull over? Oh, or like, are we just eating too fast? Are we afraid people find out we were eating fast food?

SPEAKER_04 10:29

Like, there's a lot of your like dirty underwear or bad underwear? What'd they say? Bad.

SPEAKER_00 10:33

They just said bad underwear.

SPEAKER_01 10:35

Why are they looking at their underwear if they're choking?

SPEAKER_04 10:37

And don't wear bad underwear.

SPEAKER_03 10:40

They just cut all of your clothes off. She's choking. Get her underwear.

SPEAKER_01 10:46

Cut her out of these pants.

SPEAKER_04 10:48

Yeah, yeah. Maybe just go to the board.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

What do I know?

SPEAKER_04 10:51

She's going to the wrong doctor.

SPEAKER_00 10:53

We've had some errors here. What type of EHR? What type of freaking ER we go into? Driving off a bridge into water with my kids, like, can I get them all out?

SPEAKER_01 11:04

Well, kids or no kids. I'm I do not want to drive off of a bridge at any point. That really scares me.

Everyday Anxieties: Authority, TSA, And Taxes

SPEAKER_00 11:10

I I mean, nobody does. I had a legit fear um that I was gonna shit during childbirth right there on the table. Well, and that actually happens often. Often. And they don't even tell you. Nope. They don't, but sometimes you do know. Um being so single and independent that if I were to die, someone might not find me for days.

SPEAKER_01 11:29

Oh, I used to have that fear, and choking when living alone, that was a big one.

SPEAKER_04 11:34

Oh, I have a buddy who lived in an apartment, and the lady next door choked. Died. I want to say how, whatever, but basically it was like a week and a half before they found her, and he started smelling. But for that week and a half, her dead body had been six inches from him because it was she was up against the wall right where his couch was.

SPEAKER_00 11:55

Wait, how did he not smell it?

SPEAKER_04 11:56

No, eventually he did, and that's why he called.

SPEAKER_00 12:00

Here we go. Getting in a serious accident with a period cup or tampon and no one finding it for days.

SPEAKER_03 12:08

Huh?

SPEAKER_00 12:10

That's what it says. Getting in a serious accident.

SPEAKER_03 12:14

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 12:14

Meaning Oh, like she's in a coma.

SPEAKER_01 12:16

But then she has a period cup in. Hopefully they've done a CT scan or something.

SPEAKER_00 12:22

We believe in our hearts that if you're in a that serious of a car accident, they'll see it.

SPEAKER_01 12:26

They are cutting the ugly panties.

SPEAKER_00 12:28

They're gonna cut your pants off and take care of that for you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:32

Yeah, I'm not sure understanding.

SPEAKER_00 12:33

Roaches that came up a lot. I do have a, I will say I go sorority girl like real hardcore about vomiting and also roaches. Like screaming? Screaming, crying, throwing up at the same time. All of that. Lots of like, what is this happening to me?

SPEAKER_01 12:52

Like you're throwing up.

SPEAKER_00 12:53

Yeah, if I'm throwing up. It's like a real dark time for everyone who has to see it and hear it. And me.

SPEAKER_04 12:59

I'm a screamer.

SPEAKER_00 13:01

Same.

SPEAKER_04 13:02

But like mine's like more like men vomiting is so violently loud.

SPEAKER_01 13:09

Oh my god. I have to leave the home.

SPEAKER_04 13:11

Yeah, luckily I haven't. It's been years.

SPEAKER_01 13:14

If I have to throw up in front of someone, I'm like, get out, get out, get out, get out. I don't want you to hear this.

SPEAKER_00 13:19

Okay, same. I'm always like, don't listen to anything I'm doing in the bathroom. Do not listen is like what I proclaim. If I think people can hear, I don't know why. Sometimes I do it and I'm alone alone. Like, no one listen. Okay, where do these fears come from? Why are they important to talk about?

SPEAKER_01 13:36

Well, there's so many different reasons for fears. And we've we have beat the topic of intrusive thoughts to death. So we don't even have to go there. But the parental ones to me, very natural intrusive thoughts. Go back and listen to that episode if you need more information. Um we were like made to be scared of stuff. And then I have found that the more overwhelmed we are with things, like if we're in high distress or multitasking, the more crazy fears will come up. Like, did I miss the bill? I can't check my email because what if I miss something? So like I'm a non-email checker. If I think I've missed something, then I'd rather miss it all. Um, like full avoidance.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

I have literally gone into an email account and just select all delete. Same. I'll start, I'll start over.

SPEAKER_04 14:28

There's 14,000 emails gone.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

I'll just get them gone. And if if you know what if you really need me, you'll circle back. You'll circle back. There are things that I wish I had, like my homeowner's inspection when I bought my house, and I was like, what was his name? And how did I have that?

SPEAKER_04 14:43

There were some files. I was like, oh dang, I need the button.

Parenting Intrusions And Safety Scenarios

SPEAKER_01 14:46

Really should have thought that through. I feel good about it. I haven't really regretted it at all. Well, okay, so if we go backwards thousands of years, fears were meant to keep us safe. Our brain just hasn't caught up to, we don't have to be scared all the time. But it's a prevention of keeping us safe. So, like, even with intrusive thoughts, like, is the lion gonna get out of the zoo and eat my kids? It is a function of how a biological necessity to keep things safe. And the brain somehow isn't smart enough to be like, the odds are pretty low, you know. It's like if I I've noticed that people will think about fears more because they think it gives them a sense of control for it not to happen. And it's not true. Well, because doesn't that perpetuate the like fear and anxiety of it? Well, you're just digging that pathway in the brain deeper and deeper and deeper. But I mean, I've done it as a mom. You know, I'll think of something and then I'll lay in bed and be like, okay, well, if we did it that way, or you know, if if I hear some horrible thing, I'll lay in bed and think of all the ways for that not to happen. And then I'm like, great, I can sleep now. Now that that's not gonna happen to us.

SPEAKER_00 15:56

Cause I have thought I'm hearing mental mapping in my brain. Yeah, exactly. Like just mental map out every negative thing that could possibly happen so that maybe you have a plan.

SPEAKER_01 16:05

So fear has its function. Right. We often look for a sense of control around the things that we cannot control. And so how we move through it is different. What we did not talk about, and this is the fears I'm talking about are parental intrusive thoughts, the snake's gonna come through my sunroof, or bite me in the toilet. Okay, first of all, that feels for real to me. It feels like it could happen. That's because too many people put that in your head over the past few years.

SPEAKER_00 16:29

Or because I found a snake downstairs at the lake house in a toilet, close to the bathroom, they're not getting in your toilet. I mean, they might have.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

And people's fears were that I think it was coming up through the plumbing. I think you're just gonna get in.

SPEAKER_04 16:44

Yeah, it's just not really if it's in your toilet, it would have it would have climbed up into the bowl part and yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:51

Oh my god. Oh my god. I just I've got a little nauseous now.

SPEAKER_04 16:54

This is not happening.

SPEAKER_00 16:55

Okay, good.

SPEAKER_01 16:56

Anyways, that that's our brain being wacky trying to make up these crazy scenarios. Keep me safe, keep me safe. It's gonna come more if we're in anxiety and overwhelm. The other fears that I didn't read because we were being funny about it, and these just like got me to my heart. Was someone sitting sent in, I have a fear of being seen completely naked. And I think that's real for a lot of people. I mean, I can't say I love it. Um, but that that's a wound, right? So when we talk about a fear of um speaking in front of people, a fear of becoming a parent because I think I'm incapable, a fear of being seen completely naked, that's different. That isn't anxiety driven, that's pain driven.

SPEAKER_00 17:45

I when you said that at first I was like, oh, and then it made me think of the three to four things that I have that are from like pretty deep wounds in relationship with people that you know when you love someone a lot and they say something really hurtful, when you're in a vulnerable state like naked or in, you know, an intimate setting, those things are gonna play on a tape player when you're headed into that spot. And I I'm working through some of that stuff myself, you know. So like I really resonate with not specifically the naked thing, but like I know how we got there, right? I know how I got there. What do you do with that? That type of those painful, like, where do those go? What do we do with them? You just get the fuck over. I'm just kidding. And she's back. Back from France, y'all. She came back from Europe and she's a different person. We've got a bunch of vests.

SPEAKER_01 18:42

So we do have a lot of marine wool and cash.

SPEAKER_00 18:46

The only good thing from the 90s that is back in the early 2000s. Vest. Thank you. Love a vest. Get the low-rise jeans out of my face. Do not ever bring those up again. They they look good on Brittany Spears and Christina Aguilera, and that is it. And we all know that because they had 16-year-old bodies that were good. My 16-year-old body was questionable at best.

Vomit, Roaches, And Bathroom Shame

SPEAKER_01 19:08

Okay, back to our deep wounds. And I guess the 90s does bring something up for you. Pain. A lot of pain. So even with my, I was I was the one who sent in the choking alone thing. And I know that that sounds like one of those anxiety-driven fears, but one of my deepest fears that I've worked on for decades is being alone feels exceptionally painful. And underneath that is am I lovable enough for someone to be with me in all of this hard stuff? So when we peel back the layers of the who did this? Where did this come from? Not the blame game, but the understanding of like, oh, of course, that's why I feel this way. When we get to our of course, then we align with the people that that can sit with us in the nakedness or in the loneliness, in the old wounds that are coming up. So it to me, it's twofold of can I get to the root to the why? With compassion, understanding, and softness. And I I know I was being silly with get the fuck over it, but then a toughness does have to come. The vulnerability piece of can I risk enough to be like expose these hurt parts of myself to someone that will stand in it with me.

SPEAKER_00 20:17

I recently had my therapist say to me, um, we're talking about like people that come along that heal old wounds, right? So you got these old wounds, and then this person walks into your life and they're they're like, don't even know you have that old wound, and they're healing it. They're saying things or affirming things in you, and you're like, oh man, I didn't know how much I needed to hear that. And I was like, it feels so crazy. It's hard to even believe or process it. I kind of want to reject it. And he was like, Well, the the danger zone is to not believe it. Like you, you will not get better if you don't actually take them at their word and believe that the old thing was the lie, the new thing is the truth. And he didn't say it like that, but that's how I processed it. But you're right, like the toughness is okay, if there's a new narrative that you're writing and you want to get past the pain and the hurt and those wounds that came from a place with a person in relationship, that's where we get wounded, right? Um that you got to be brave enough to like write a new narrative.

SPEAKER_01 21:22

Because the fear that's different than the like obsession, I'm gonna plan everything out so I don't get hurt. The other side of that is, and I think this is true for men and women, is anger, resentment, and isolation. Like true avoidance of I'm not gonna risk exposing these parts of me because I don't want to get hurt again. So I'll act in these other ways where maybe I'm isolating, maybe I'm resentful, maybe I'm kind of a bitch, like whatever it is to self-protect. So it would be the opposite of what your therapist said. Like he's saying, well, you gotta take the risk and trust that this other person is healing these wounds that they don't even know that are there. Because that is true. People hurt us, so people also have to heal us. We just have to choose the right ones to do it.

SPEAKER_00 22:06

Ain't that the damn truth? Preach sister.

SPEAKER_04 22:10

What are y'all's non-serious like fears or like the choking one kind of, but that has actually has some like deep seated like uh fear flying, like any kind of like uh Oh, I've got a ton of them.

SPEAKER_00 22:22

I don't want to shit my pants. I hate that idea.

SPEAKER_04 22:25

Yeah, nobody does.

Why The Brain Makes Fear: Control And Overwhelm

SPEAKER_00 22:26

Okay, I don't want that. It's a fear. I resonated with the getting old and losing, like, I mean, honestly, becoming a middle-aged woman that falls a lot is like I'm already clumsy. I came here clumsy. As a child, as an infant, she could tumble, thank God. And she's limber and she's never broke anything. But okay, it doesn't change the fact that nobody wants to be that lady that's like fallen, and now I've got all these damn stairs in front of my new house. So cement fucking cement stairs. Cement? Cement cement. Never correct me.

SPEAKER_01 22:59

I hated that. What are you scared of anything?

SPEAKER_04 23:02

Yeah, so like being unable to escape, so like think of cave or something, not claustrophobia, because I don't care about that. Like I can be in an MRI machine, stuff like that. On a cruise ship. Cleetrophobia, where we're like, and I think it maybe came from was it Goonies or some movie where they had to swim underneath and then come up on the other side, but the only way out is to swim back underneath. Yeah, I don't like that. So like these when you go running out at a red mountain bark, like the caves, the small like I got the dude that does underground Birmingham or whatever, and he slides in all these like teeny tiny openings.

SPEAKER_01 23:38

No.

SPEAKER_04 23:38

Did you go down this small cave and that's the only way back out? No, forget it.

SPEAKER_01 23:42

No, thank you. Uh, I can totally relate to the escape one. I want to be able to get out. I'm the same. Like an elevator isn't gonna scare me because it's small or cramped. It's the like, how the fuck am I gonna get out of this mess?

SPEAKER_04 23:54

Yeah, have you been stuck in one? I have once.

SPEAKER_00 23:56

Cruise ships are also I'm never getting on one again. Okay, I did one and I wrote it off for life because the idea, one, as it turns out, I don't like anybody enough to be with them for seven days on a floating golden corral, which is what I could afford in my 20s. Okay, that's all it was. It was the low baseline, nobody did you have windows in your room? One small little hole. It was not good. Um, it was a dark time, really, literally, because the room was also kind of dark. But um, I hated it. And I also just didn't like that. My intrusive thoughts were if someone talks to me again, will I throw them over the edge? Will someone throw me? Is this how I is this how I go down over the edge? I don't want to. I'm pretty scared of natural disasters.

SPEAKER_01 24:46

When I was little, our house did get destroyed in I think it was 91 in the straight line wind, if y'all remember if you were living here. Um, and I have weird, I was really little, but I have really specific like I remembered the sounds and like my mom grabbing me. Um, and I don't have a basement at my house. And I recently and stupidly watched the documentary on the Joplin tornado.

SPEAKER_03 25:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:14

Mm-mm. That shit is scary.

SPEAKER_00 25:17

Yeah. I'm not sure. And we live in a place where that can happen. Well, one of the girls on my team lived through the 2011 tornadoes. She was at Alabama during that and, you know, lost friends. And like, it is truly one of those things that if you've ever had to live through it, or you know people even who live through it, I think it it plants that seed of like, holy shit. I mean, this is serious. And I think I didn't know that because I grew up in Savannah where there's like a threat of a hurricane, but it never actually happens. So you like nobody boards their windows up or with like, we're going with it. But when you get here and everybody's walking around with a laptop like they're James Spann, you know, knowing when to go in the basement. And most houses, you know, a lot of houses have basements here. In Savannah, you don't have basements unless they're like the historic homes downtown. Um, so that was a transition, but damn, it is scary. It is scary.

SPEAKER_01 26:06

So, what we're actually talking about is a fear because it's realistic and you have to be prepared. That's different than an anxiety of we I think people have to sift through the difference of I don't want to check my email because I'm scared American Express sent my bill and I don't want to look at it. And if you sift through that, we probably get to a fear of do I have enough? Am I gonna be okay? Am I taken care of? But the anxiety is what will really make us go into the avoidance piece too and get that like high energy around it, where we'll get into the obsessive track. Like I didn't go build a storm shelter, maybe I should, because of the tornado piece, but like I logically have considered, okay, this is what we would do. I have a friend of our ask, can we go use your basement? Oh, you live here now, I'll use your basement. You'll use my I like to be prepared. Probably have a just a case. But I'm not every day obsessing on this to the level of anxiety and phobia. And that's the biggest difference.

Tender Fears Vs. Anxiety: Getting To The Wound

SPEAKER_00 27:03

What okay, so talk to us a little bit about like what are the two questions people could be asking themselves to like sort through. If these fears are like coming up a ton, is that more of like I have an anxiety issue that's coming up and they're manifesting in fears, or what's happening?

SPEAKER_01 27:21

Oh, okay, so and I want to throw in phobia because we really didn't talk about it. Phobia is very, very real and oftentimes illogical. When people have phobias, they're typically frustrated with themselves because they can't seem to do anything about it. Like people with um it almost phobias almost present as OCD. And with true OCD, like you can't just magically talk through it. So true phobia would take some kind of exposure, repeated exposure therapy with a professional. Exposure therapy might be can we talk about it? Let's notice your anxiety. I'm about to give like the briefest of brief how to deal with a phobia, but it is teeny tiny exposures from talking about it, looking at a picture. You know, I had a client that had a weather phobia, and when it would rain, if she was in my office, it was a lot of um, I we were sitting there, I didn't even know she had this phobia, and she's gripping the chair and she's like, What year was this house built? It was years ago when I was in a different office, and I'm like, I I'm unsure about that. And she's like, has it ever flooded? And I'm like, I not that I know of. And then I got like I watched her. So in a phobia, that even though it's like it was drizzling outside, that person is going straight to full crisis, full panic. How do I get out of here? That is 100% exposure therapy, EMDR, something that will actually change the brain.

SPEAKER_00 28:47

The neuropathways, right? Gotta rewrite 100%.

SPEAKER_01 28:51

Yeah. And like sometimes psychiatry gets involved. That I have an incredible amount of empathy for because that is not like tough it out, find your way through it. Something 99.9% of the time happened to them in early childhood that is sometimes unrelated to the phobia. Like she, this person was not in a bad storm. She had other childhood trauma that then manifests in that way. I see that all the time. Childhood trauma happens, somebody's afraid of like a red car. Like it's bizarre. Phobias are very, very bizarre. Um, and then some people just get the spider thing. Man, when people are really afraid of spiders, it is wild. Not just like the sorority girl scream. Okay. The next piece, the like scared of being seen naked or the choking alone piece. The painful wound. The painful wound is what we've already said of, yeah, for sure, therapy. But a lot of people have done therapy and they still have these core wounds. It is finding a safe person to like even not be like, Do you want to see me naked so I can see how it goes? Not exposure, but being able to say, This is where I am, this is where I think it came from. And they get to be like, oh my God, same. I get it. Or partnering with someone that doesn't even know the wounds you have and they're healing you anyways. Like, that's a true miracle. The anxiety piece to me, that is, and y'all know I'm so like I've made such a shift in my practice around grit and toughness. There is such value in positively talking to ourselves and saying, like, I can do this, open the email, call the doctor back, see what it is. Like when I just had the tear in my hip, I was not going to do the MRI. I remember. Because I was like, I mean, it is what it is. And then my friend who's a nurse was like, you can't go run if you might have a fractured hip. And I was like, that was my complete avoidance because if I knew the truth, what if it took away something I loved? That was the perceived risk. So we are avoidant of information if it feels painful. That's the time where like you have to go to somebody and they have to tell you, like, here's what's what, if you can't do it on your own. Cause I wouldn't have gotten the MRI.

SPEAKER_00 31:16

And I would tell you the most important thing that she just mentioned is you actually have to give people permission in your life to call you up and out when you're avoiding. And you can't do that unless you are leaning into your tier one relationships. You got to tell them where you're at.

SPEAKER_01 31:33

So, and this is a newer friend. Like we just met at the end of last year. And she said, and I was so impressed by this. She was like, How direct can I be with you right now? And like, what a cool thing for somebody to say. And I was like, You're gonna have to be very direct with me. And she was like, I'm gonna call and schedule the appointment. And I was like, Okay, thank you.

Writing New Narratives And Receiving Help

SPEAKER_00 31:56

I'll go and thank you. Well, and she's a nurse, so she had it was obviously easier to trust someone who's a medical professional in that scenario when you really want to avoid. But I would say too, like, it's why it's important to understand the strengths of your tier one people too. Like, I know I can call Claire and she can be 100% a listener. And at the end of that, she's gonna say, What do you need from me? Do you want feedback? I know the reason I called her is because I always want feedback. I'm not just asking her to just listen to me rant and ruminate. Um, but I mean, you know, if I have a financial issue, I might call a really close friend who's a CFO and say, Hey, can I run this by you? I'm not sure what to do, and get real constructive advice. Or in a real scenario, I might avoid my friend who's the CFO because I don't want her to tell me the truth because I was trying to rush through a scenario because I didn't want to deal with how hard and painful it was.

SPEAKER_01 32:55

I'm so glad you said that because my thought right before that was if we got to the brass tacks of fear, how much of it are we avoiding? Because we don't want to know the truth because that feels painful. Are we embarrassed? And to me, that happens all the time. Yeah. And not just the I don't want to look at it or I'm embarrassed. But for me in particular, I have this thing of oh, Claire is all these things. She is like spicy and a go-getter, and she gets everything done. So to show the weakness of, and this was crazy. When I hurt myself, I did not want to tell people because it felt weak to me. That is illogical. I knew it was illogical, but I did not want people to know because there is this vulnerability of once I told my precious friend who's a nurse every day, how do you feel? Does it hurt walking? And I'm like, oh, I'm it so many times I'm like, I'm good. Please don't worry about me. And she's like, but I'm going to because there is a fear of mine or an anxiety of if I appear weak, I'm not as tough as everybody thought I was, then what will they think about me? I'm the one that helps everybody. I'm not the one that needs the help.

SPEAKER_00 34:08

Dude, the last two years of my life, what I'm realizing now, kind of getting on the, I'm not on the other side, but getting on the other side or getting some more clarity is that I think that the school I've been in, what I've been learning is how to receive, how to, how to know that I actually really need people. Like you can't always be the person people need to call. You also have to be the person who leans on and calls people and then listens to them and takes the feedback and takes the advice. And I think that, you know, I don't, I hate admitting that I maybe I wasn't that good at that, but I the last two years of my life forced me. I had to tell people the shitty hidden things about my life so that I wasn't alone. And so somebody could hold up a fucking mirror because the truth is I had lost complete perspective of what was going on because I'd been in it and I hid it for too long. And then by the time I was like, Yeah, here it is, they're like, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, here's some things that maybe you need to see that you're not seeing. So there's blind spots. I think that's the vulnerability and the adult embarrassment and the perception piece.

SPEAKER_01 35:18

Man, when you've created a narrative for yourself, it's really hard who I am and what people believe about me. And I think that people listening will have to decide kind of what camp they're falling in because the complete flip side, and I have been there particularly in my 20s, was I didn't trust my capabilities until well into my 30s. So I would wave these flags too early. So does that make sense? Like where I would be like, I need help, I need help. What am I doing? I'm a complete failure because I was looking for someone to say, let me fix it for you.

SPEAKER_00 35:55

Because the overcorrection of that is I got it. Oh, I am an expert now, so don't worry about me.

SPEAKER_01 36:01

So my pendulum went, is that how you say it? Pendulum. Pendulum. Pendulum.

SPEAKER_00 36:05

Pendulum. That would I've been really good. Saying words is actually what I'm supposed to do with my life.

SPEAKER_01 36:13

But that word and waft or waft gets me every time. So I've I avoid saying it. I don't like waft at all. I hate that. Because in my head, I'm like, what if we went wafting down the Kalawada Wiva? So I don't say it. It's waft, alright? It is waft, right? It is. It's waft. Okay. Waft. I don't even need to talk about waft. I just had to say it was a word I can't do it. Okay, pendulum. The pendulum's pendulum. Um that's what we do and not forget just fears. We do that a lot once we realize, oh shit, I'm doing this thing and I don't like it. We do need to overcorrect sometimes to feel the other side. And then the goal is, oh, okay, I know when I really need help. I know when I'm avoiding, and that's the like Goldilocks piece of getting back to balance. I love that.

SPEAKER_04 36:57

This is weird, but it's pendulum.

SPEAKER_01 36:59

That's what I had said. I'm sorry. That's what I said. That's what you had said. That's what I said. Pendulum is how I've said it. And then I got scared. Okay, I didn't know. I have said pendulum.

SPEAKER_04 37:10

There's got to be a phobia of mispronouncing words.

Personal Fears: Aging, Falling, Escape Traps, Disasters

SPEAKER_01 37:13

I would say thank thank you first for seeing me. Um I reading out loud. I love reading out loud. If I have a questionable word, I'll change it.

SPEAKER_04 37:26

Oh, try reading the news on the radio every day. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01 37:29

We were actually just watching him. When you do a commercial, I'm like, God bless him.

SPEAKER_04 37:34

And people write in as soon as I mispronounce them, and I know I'm doing it. But people like write into me and like, hey, that's not how and I'm like, I know, sorry.

SPEAKER_01 37:40

Never ever do that again. Do you know that's not how you say that? I don't listen to this free radio station for this trash.

SPEAKER_04 37:47

I wonder if we're gonna give people uh phobophobia when they listen to this. The fear of getting phobias.

SPEAKER_00 37:54

No, we're not gonna do that. We speak life here.

SPEAKER_04 37:57

Well, if you want a new one, do you know about tripophobia? If you guys want to unlock a new fear, Google tripophobia. Just say it. T R Y is it the toilet? Oh, look, it's the fear of holes. Which is no big deal, right? Until you Google it.

SPEAKER_01 38:08

Is it like animals in the hole? I'm gonna fall into it. Like a sinkhole?

SPEAKER_04 38:12

Like pictures of holes, holes. Like a mushroom that has holes in it.

SPEAKER_01 38:18

Like a glory hole? Just look. What's happening? Someone did say that they were scared of asymmetrical holes.

SPEAKER_04 38:26

Just Google it.

SPEAKER_00 38:27

I don't want to.

SPEAKER_04 38:28

Google image.

SPEAKER_00 38:28

I'm not trying to get my algorithm all jacked because of the things you're making.

SPEAKER_01 38:31

There's a little Google teaser to leave y'all with. There you go.

SPEAKER_00 38:35

Okay, so just so you know, whether you're a phobia or you're irrational, intrusive type of fear. Riddled with anxiety. Or if you are in that pain spot, like you're not alone. We've been there, we get it, and uh, we hope that this is helpful and then maybe you'll move to an action.

SPEAKER_04 38:55

Tryptophobia T R Y P O, just in case you're gonna Google it.

SPEAKER_00 38:58

Oh my god, don't Google it. You're gonna mess up your algorithm.

SPEAKER_01 39:03

Before you cut bangs is hosted by Lara Quick and Claire Fearman and produced by Will Lockman.

SPEAKER_00 39:09

Follow along with us everywhere. Please subscribe to the podcast. Find us on Instagram. We're constantly doing polls. We want to know what you think. And I know that you probably know this, but reviewing us and giving us five stars matters more than anything, and we are so grateful to have you here.

SPEAKER_01 39:26

We talk so much on the podcast about seeking therapy, getting help, finding resources. I would love to be able to help you with that. My website is up and running and beautiful. It is goodgrowthwithclaire.com. So whether you're in the state of Alabama or not, I want to be able to help direct you to the right resources. Goodgrowth with Claire.com.