Before You Cut Bangs

3.7 Against The Clock: Letting Go Of Timelines

• Laura Quick and Claire Fierman • Season 3 • Episode 7

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Are the timelines you live by protecting you, or just keeping you stuck? This episode explores the hidden comfort of "arbitrary clocks"—like the 30-day no-contact rule—and how they often function as temporary pain relief rather than true healing.

What We Cover:

  • The "Control vs. Surrender" Test: How to tell when a deadline is useful for work versus when it’s an attempt to control fate.
  • Real-Life Stress Tests: From the anxiety of unread texts and home renovations to the emotional weight of divorce and "fast-forwarding" grief.
  • Practical Tools: Fact-vs-story reframing to help your brain unhook from anxious planning.
  • The Reality of Growth: Why progress is "uneven by design" and how to find freedom from the clock in your head.

Join Claire and Laura for an honest, funny, and practical look at releasing the "shoulds" and reclaiming your self-worth.

What timeline are you ready to release? If this episode resonates, please subscribe, share it with a friend, and leave a review.

SPEAKER_01:

Welcome to Before You Cut Bangs. I'm Laura Quick and I'm Claire Fearman. I am a professional storyteller, a CEO, a mom, and a shit talker.

SPEAKER_03:

I am a therapist, a coach, also mom. I would say decent wife, an excellent friend. Also, a little disclaimer, while I am a therapist, I am not your therapist. And uh Norris Laura, we are not your coaches, and certainly not Will Lockney. Honestly, you shouldn't trust us that much unless things are going really well. I mean, if it hits home, roll with it.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so they could listen to me.

SPEAKER_01:

Do we hate timelines? You know I'm the queen of arbitrary timelines. I love to be like, in 91 days, you know what we're gonna do? We'll announce this.

SPEAKER_03:

Let's start with the story. Cause I used to buy your timeline. So when Laura and I met, she'd be like, you know, well, you know, for 30 days, I'm gonna do this. And in 90 days, then we'll make the big announcement. But for 120 days, you can't. And finally I was like, these are arbitrary days. Yeah. Like what happens on day 121? Like, did life change? Syndication. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So actually, I remember being in the car with you, telling you about it, like, I'm gonna wait. I'm not gonna talk to this person for 12 days. And then, and you literally were smiling. And I was like, why are you smirking like that? And you said, God, I love Alora, arbitrary timeline where you just make these up. And I was like, I do that. Because what do they do for you?

SPEAKER_03:

They make me feel like I'm in control. And like with like a deadline for a project or something, that is not an arbitrary timeline, but in relationship or when we think things need to happen for us, it's pretend it's play pretend in the name of control. I love play pretend.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm gonna learn a lot here because that this is all this sounds weird to me. What part? Well, that you would put timelines on like deadlines 100% for me. Like I that's how I work. I work on a deadline. But timeline, I don't think of things in timelines.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, I do.

SPEAKER_01:

She loves a no-contact for 30 days, anything like that.

SPEAKER_00:

I've heard.

SPEAKER_01:

I will be like, you know what? I need just a complete unplug from this for 30 full days.

SPEAKER_00:

That's funny. Now I'm here, I can like go back in my head and hear you saying this about a bunch of situations.

SPEAKER_03:

But she'll give you the same advice. So if I'm like, you know, with this job or blah, blah, blah, she'll be like, for 72 days, don't think about it and only journal. And then, and then you'll come in and we'll script what you'll say. And I'm like, yeah, yes, because it does, it's convinced. It feels so good. I'm like neosporin on the gaping wound. And I'm like, I think the 70 days is gonna do it.

SPEAKER_01:

I feel like as women, we do it. It is the thing when you feel like you have no control, it's like you grasp at any straw you can to just feel like you have a little control. And so over the last seven, really two years of my life, um, I didn't feel like I had a lot of control. What did you seven to two years? I was like, seven months. I was gonna say seven months, but then I was like, that's not true. For two years, I didn't feel like I had a ton of control. I felt like I was at the mercy of kind of my situation. And my situation was, and this is something I'm kind of sorting through that you and I have been talking about, and I'm talking about in therapy, which is there is this cool thing that happens when as a woman, I I feel like, and maybe men too. I don't know. Will you could tell us where you're protecting a situation that feels really private, right? You're you're like, I'm protecting us, I'm protecting the situation, this feels sacred, or like we're gonna get through this, it's gonna be fine. And you don't really know when you flip over to pretending. Like it's like this weird like protection, protection, protection, protection, pretending. And in that, I love to create a nice timeline. You know what I mean? I love because it makes me feel like I'm controlling something that I honestly am I have none. None. I had no control over what was happening in my life or the impending divorce that I went through that I didn't know was gonna come because I really thought I'm gonna protect this and this is just a season and it's gonna something great's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_03:

So the timeline in that case protected from pain.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes. That yeah, it kept me away from because I was like, you know, I love to be like, I can get through anything for 30 days. So I'm just gonna put up with this for 30 more days, and then 30 turns to 60, and 60 turns to 90, and 90 turns to, oh my god, six months. And then all of a sudden, you know, I'm I've got friends calling and texting each other to make sure I've showered.

SPEAKER_00:

Or it's that idea that we've talked about before about like taking a large thing and just looking at it in chunks, like small bits, right? No.

SPEAKER_03:

It's not no, this is just to clean out a closet.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, I sound that sounded like what she was saying. Like see, you bought her bag of goods. I did.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, you did. Hey, I'm a great that's exactly what we should be doing. Okay, so let me give the other side of what timeline can look like. So Laura's looking at it in the future. So I'll do these things for this amount of time. It's an attempt of control, which control is just let me soothe my pain temporarily or put it to the side because I'm not ready to see it yet. The other thing people do is the timeline is what should have already been. I should have these things. I should be at this place in my career. So I should have already gone to France or whatever it is, it can be a these things aren't on my timeline, which is directly hitting our own self-worth.

SPEAKER_01:

You see this a lot with um, you know, we were just talking about it in here with our, you know, the video and film team. They're like, oh, well, you know, you feel like you're supposed to have your life figured out because you're graduating college and you need to tell to know exactly. But those are those yes, oh my gosh. The shoulds. I should, I should already have this figured out. When it's like, oh my God, no, you shouldn't.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, which by the way, don't listen to those expectations. No, like you shouldn't. As soon as she said that, I was like, oh no, no, there should be no expectations like that.

SPEAKER_01:

Really let loose. Or just show up and and do the best you can with what you have, and you will find, you know, we talk about that a ton at work. It's like, um, I did a 10-year speech recently, and I was like, you wake up and you're pretending that you know what you're doing, and then one day you're like, holy shit, I do know what I'm doing. And that's kind of how life happens, especially after like college and graduation. But you're right. I think that we have a lot of um expectations that we have on ourselves. I should be further down the road.

SPEAKER_03:

So the belief in when we're talking, whether it's in your like future oriented or I'm more of the past, like I should have done all of these things already, because I'm I'm more like this nostalgic, I wish fantasy land type girly. Um yes, you are. I can really dream big of what should have been. Um sad. What we've constricted ourselves to is the belief that everything that it's all finite, like I have to do it in this time period or I should have done it in that time period. But the switch in the mindset is like, what if it was just infinite? And like, don't come at me with like, but we're all gonna die. Like, I'm not saying sit around and let life happen. But if your mindset changes into there is no timeline, and just like you just said, just show up and see what happens, we reduce the control. But what does happen is sometimes we confront our pain.

SPEAKER_01:

Ooh. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

You say, ooh.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, that's the thing I'm trying to avoid. I love these timelines. Help me stay as far away from the or the you said pain, I would say the truth, which could be painful, or yeah, the truth was very painful.

SPEAKER_03:

Either way, it's gonna be freedom because it's the reality. Yeah. So when we make the timeline or have the timeline belief and we're in this every it's so finite, we've attached ourselves to these thoughts that are like just thoughts that then bring all of this stress. So if I can detach from those thoughts, those faulty beliefs, then I've already reduced the stress because they weren't true anyways. Does that make sense? Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, well, we have a little game here that we're gonna play.

SPEAKER_00:

Do you want me to read these through? Yes. Okay, so here's the game. It's uh control it or surrender it. So I'm gonna give you a situation, an example. Okay. And then you have to say, uh, kids college timeline. Surrender it for me. Mom will be control it, uh, surrender it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

I had to surrender it. I mean, I feel like I've only sent one kid to college, which is Ethan and I. Man, it was so weird watching him go through this process. And it was very surrender because he wanted to go to Michigan, but ended up going to Alabama. And I got to, because I wasn't the primary parent, I was just like a bonus parent. It was cool to like hand that over and just be supportive.

SPEAKER_00:

My parents surrendering it for me was like life-changing. It's the reason I am who I am today.

SPEAKER_03:

So my parents did full surrender slash full enabling, and I went to five colleges in four years. And when I was just bored of one, you know, or changed my mind, they'd send a U-Haul. And it was, yeah, whatever you want. Like you just gonna get you through college and out your trauma. And because like my big trauma happened when I was 18. So I'm like coming off the heels, they're like, we just gotta get her through. My brother's in and out of treatment, so I'm like golden child. Prop. I'm sure they're like, one of them has got to get educated now. And so no one contained me. So I want to be clear on there's a difference in container and control. Like, I would never choose my kids' college and mandate that that's the path. But I think a full like, you have the freedom because you're an adult. I had that, and it was a disaster. Silly.

SPEAKER_00:

But you also, your situation is so different because of that trauma you'd had at the end of high school and stuff. Like, yeah, it's hard, it's hard for me to judge your parents like that.

SPEAKER_01:

I'm gonna be honest. I would have done the same thing. I would have been team, yeah, team.

SPEAKER_03:

They're like, you don't want to live in Asheville, North Carolina, in the adorable house we've rented you. And I'm like, well, no. I'm gonna go to Boulder.

SPEAKER_00:

The offer that hasn't come through. And I'm gonna say for all of these, you know, my rule in life is you can only worry about the things that you can control, right? You can't spend any effort worrying about things that you can't control because you're wasting energy.

SPEAKER_01:

Hey, from your mouth to God's ear. I know. You know what's crazy is for me, it that doesn't feel like when I create a timeline, it's really not about worry. It's just about controlling it and being like, well, in three more weeks, I'm definitely gonna hear about it. I'll check back with them four times, so it'll be fine. I'll get that contract.

SPEAKER_00:

I do remember though, like when we were starting to do to do TV TV work, reading on it, like checking, like refreshing email every five minutes. Yes. Like waiting for a contract.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I'm full surrender on that one. If it wasn't meant to be like if I'm waiting for something, if it wasn't meant to be all good, it might I might cry about it, but when don't I, you know?

SPEAKER_01:

You know, I've gotten better as the years have gone by on stuff like that. Because I'm kind of like hands open. I get it, great, I don't get it. Okay, there will be something better. So we're pretty relaxed, I you know. Pretty relaxed about the things that you're relaxed about. Relational things. Oh, I am a control freak.

SPEAKER_00:

All right, someone texting back.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, never even think about that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

I I've I have 150 unread text messages right now.

SPEAKER_00:

150?

SPEAKER_01:

Let's see. Hold on.

SPEAKER_00:

I have 3,517 of unread text messages.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, I would never allow one notification on my phone. So 294. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh yeah. I'm just not good. Look, even just from this morning, like unread, unread, unread, unread.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I have uh I'll have time.

SPEAKER_00:

No, I nobody's got time for this.

SPEAKER_03:

Same. Yeah, the constant contact is exhausting.

SPEAKER_00:

So here's what I've learned, and I don't know if it's good or bad, it's been good for me, is that I don't have to respond immediately or ever. I usually do at some point, but I I don't have like I'm practicing it right now. I don't know. Other people shouldn't control your response time. Unless it's like work, unless it's something that like, oh, you have to.

SPEAKER_01:

If it's time sensitive, that's one thing, but you better call me. And even then, good luck. Okay, go on. What's that?

SPEAKER_00:

Sorry, next uh home renovations.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, Claire. You better control it.

SPEAKER_00:

I was gonna say you control time.

SPEAKER_03:

You have to have the timeline. See? Act okay. Timeline and management, yes. But if you've gone through home projects, once they pull up something, there's another problem that I had to surrender, or I was gonna be really upset about it. And then the vanity I ordered for the bathroom came totally smashed. Like, what was I gonna do about it? Like, I solved the problem, but I'm not gonna obsess that I'm like, oh well, that's a bummer. How do I course correct here? But as far as management, you better believe David times a lot of calls from me every day.

SPEAKER_00:

100%. That's how it should be. Yet you're surrendering the expertise to them, but you're controlling the management. Yeah. Uh publishing timelines. I feel like you have to control that, right?

SPEAKER_01:

Control.

SPEAKER_03:

I've been doing it for 10 years. I don't publish anything, so full freedom.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, good. Airline delays.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, surrender. Not not miss jail.

SPEAKER_00:

I know. You can't control them though. You actually can't.

SPEAKER_01:

I like to make it weird, you know? I like to go up and ask a lot of questions. Like, well, could you get me on any other flight? What about a different airline?

SPEAKER_03:

I'm on that Delta app so quick. And if I can't do anything, oh same. I'm on the Delta app.

SPEAKER_01:

I'm trying to switch everything over, but like if some shit's going down and I need to get home.

SPEAKER_03:

What? I'm sorry. I have to say this so I don't forget it. I guess we could say surrender control. So and it just reminded me I've got to call Delta today. When I was flying to Utah, I have never had this happen on any flight ever. I went to the bathroom, I had the kids. I mean, they're old enough to sit alone while I run to the restroom. And um, when I went in, the door felt weird to lock, but it locked. But I kind of kept my hand on there because I was like, maybe it's not, but I was real quick. And then I go to open it and it will not open. So I'm like, okay, maybe I'm it's pull and not put, like whatever. I'm like trying both directions. And y'all know how loud it is. Like I'm in the back of an airplane in a bathroom, and I'm like really starting to sweat. And so, and I'm so meek in these situations. I'm like, like a tiny little knock. I was like, hello.

SPEAKER_00:

Just to the door, just looked at the door and said hello.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, and I have no phone. And like, what would I have done? Called my mom, text, like, I'm on flight, DL, whatever. I don't know how many minutes, but I was full on having to bang on the door. Stop.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

White noise is so loud in an airplane. You don't notice it, but it's so loud that's so loud that would be screaming.

SPEAKER_03:

I'm stuck in the bathroom. A flight attendant finally hears and This is terrifying. It was horrible. I was like, don't, I was like, you're okay. You're not gonna be in here, like trying to get to the surrender place of like someone's gonna figure like the kids, where's my mom? So she finally she can't get the door open and realizes that the flight attendant seat thing that comes down, part of it has jammed into the door. So she gets that, finally gets me out, and is like she looks panicked. God knows what they do. They deal with Laura's, you know, try going to jail. I would, you know what? I would get a free flight. She looks so scared. I'm texting my dad and I'm like, I just got stuck in the bathroom. He's like, that's a fit, that's 15,000 miles. Easy. And he was like, You've got to get on the phone with them. But y'all, I I was either gonna live in the bathroom forever or not. It was terrifying.

SPEAKER_00:

So you're gonna call and ask for miles?

SPEAKER_03:

Well, the big kicker was of course.

SPEAKER_00:

Or did it seem you think they just give you a voucher or something? I don't know.

SPEAKER_03:

I don't know. What year do you think it is? Yeah, they did 1999. So sorry. But uh, I get back kids' headphones, iPads, they're like, okay, you know, we ordered a Coke, whatever. Um, but yeah, it was a safety issue, and my children were left unattended. Uh but did you get a voucher? I have to call today, is what I'm saying. You need to call because I've just thought of it.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, but here's Did they say, hey, look, they're they're gonna take care of you call, or are you just doing this on your own? I just know what they'll do.

SPEAKER_01:

See, this is how my call you should do it immediately though, because I did I tell y'all about the really sassy um when I was flying to Miami, this was back in the summer, I had a really the sassiest Delta flight attendants of all time, two of them that were like handing out the stuff, and they spilt scalding hot water out of the tea. And I did, I was, and they were just like, oops. And I was like, excuse me. I was like, I'm burned. I literally had a mark on my leg. I really was burned. I know it sounds like I'm uh the drama queen on all right, shut the f yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

We do a lot of airplane talk on the show.

SPEAKER_01:

We okay.

SPEAKER_03:

Anyway, I don't even travel that much. Next question.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh your ex is emotional maturity. How could you control that? Why would you want to control that? A lot of ways you can control that.

SPEAKER_03:

Same. I agree. Letter writing, um, book suggestions, therapy appointment booking.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh. Um, you know, like couples therapy. You don't even, you're just like, if we could just skip one, you know, I'm already in therapy, but you know what? I'll go with you if you'll and you can take up all the space. I am queen of that. Same. Until until now, become a new woman. And now I will say on the other side of that, one, nobody likes that. I wouldn't like it if it was being done to me. I, you know, I think that there is this weird thing where you just, especially if you love, if you love your partner, you want them to be okay and healthy. And like, just like in friendships, we have blind spots. There's things Claire can say to me that I didn't know that I can receive. But I think in a relationship, if one person is struggling, the other person really wants to help them. And sometimes help for women, I'm speaking for myself here, can look like trying to be a control freak and booking all the things and making the things happen and don't worry, I'll do this. And I wrote you a letter and I've ordered these conversation cards.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, yes, it'll change everything. Um, for me, if I'm uncomfortable with something, I'll have a lot of great ideas for you to fix it. And that goes back to what Laura was talking about about the kind of pretend, pretending, I will develop a full fantasy of what could be and I'm gonna help you get there. And what that does is that means I'm not living in reality and in fact, I'm living in what could be, which is torturous. So I am done a lot of work on that. I love that you're like, how could you do that? And I'm like, I could write a book on it.

SPEAKER_01:

I medicated by just um when I went into from protection to pretending, I just medicated and doing a lot of things, like just stack the calendar, you know. You know, start a couple new businesses, a nonprofit, whatever it takes, just stay busy and like maybe this thing will fix itself, right?

SPEAKER_00:

All right, next. I don't even know what this is. Partner hanging curtains. What are you talking about?

SPEAKER_03:

Have you never oh, you're handy.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, that's right. So, like if you're doing like a really cool something at the house, like when you build a porch.

SPEAKER_00:

Sure.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, could you imagine if Danielle was out there the whole time like telling you what to do?

SPEAKER_00:

Uh and controlling it. Oh, I see. Yeah. Okay. Is this a common thing though? This partner hanging curtain, like that phrase.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, yeah, that's like a huge thing in marriages. Is but you're very meticulous in fixing and building, so you've probably just always done it right.

SPEAKER_00:

I think we just stay in our lane. She's really good at stuff, and I let her just do that, and I she doesn't bother me with the stuff.

SPEAKER_03:

Usually the fight is men think that curtains go right. And uh newly engaged, you're gonna want to l really listen to this part. Yeah, that's true. Vincent, this is important. You'll want to hear this. So most men think that curtains are gonna start right above the window.

unknown:

Okay.

SPEAKER_03:

That's not true. And that's not true. You want six to ten inches above. And we hate it when you do that. And the currents still have to touch the floor.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

You do want them to touch the floor?

SPEAKER_01:

You have to. 100%, you don't want to look like, what are you? What are you in a pre-frab trailer?

SPEAKER_03:

I don't a lot of people don't know this as now. And I don't know that there's anything wrong with that, by the way. I've had one. So a lot of times that will cause arguments, and then the husband's up there with a drill, and the wife's like, it's still crooked. And I mean, I have tons, like I've had this text conversation with so many girlfriends where they're like, That motherfucker in the house we have to I have to go on a walk right now.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, or even just seeing clients. Like, this is like the thing that people freak out about.

SPEAKER_03:

And it's not a time to grow in partnership. That I hire someone to hang all curtains. I will not ever have that fight again.

SPEAKER_00:

This is wild. I told you at the beginning, I said, I think I'm gonna learn a lot in this episode. I am this is the most educational episode.

SPEAKER_03:

And I I didn't read this episode as it turns out before. So you created it. So just as we're clear, it was my topic. This is yesterday at 4 56 p.m. from me to someone else. Would you be open and available to help me hang curtains this weekend? Zero pressure. Side note, I do not own a drill. Sure, I've got a drill. Uh one of this guy's kids has games, blah, blah, blah. His wife has to go on a run. And I had to say, I'm home all weekend and I'm at your mercy. So please just tell me the date and time and I'll be available. Like I have to have someone that I am just that I really trust and friends with or pay someone.

SPEAKER_00:

Look, I like curtains. Fine. I almost said you. No, I well, I would come and hang your curtains for this one. Oh, he would. Had no idea there was this much importance and uh thought that goes into the curtains. Yeah. I think usually she just tells me where to put them and I put them up. Well, so she does it.

SPEAKER_01:

She's I will say moving into this new house and then having someone really kind and handy hang my curtains was like a real gift to me.

SPEAKER_00:

You could also call me Laura. I would come hang your curtains as well.

SPEAKER_03:

I got some sconces coming in, and it'll be the don't worry.

SPEAKER_00:

All right. Uh healing pace. Is this your own healing pace?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm so out of this.

SPEAKER_03:

No, it's not. This is when you talk about your divorce when you're like, I that was the only time I've wanted a fast forward button. That's that.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. I yeah, I remember when I went through divorce being like a one-year fast-forward button because I didn't want to talk to people about it. I didn't want to have to explain it. Yes. And I had a list of like, who have I told, who have I not told? Not an actual written-down list, but I knew it.

SPEAKER_01:

In your mind. Yes. And then how awkward. I remember recently I had a friend that was in my wedding who was like, no one's talking to me. Like I really cared about your marriage and like me and my wife love you guys, blah, blah, blah. And that was like the last big conversation that I had to have that felt like, again, the mental checklist of like, this person deserves because of how invested they were. And to have that conversation, it felt so like almost like you're bursting this bubble of like, oh, yeah, it didn't work. You're almost like, I'm sorry it didn't work out. Like mom and dad got a divorce. But like it is a weird thing where I have even talking to my editor, my editor in my book, she's like, hey, feels like you're going through a lot. Do we need to slow down? I was like, absolutely not. We will stay on the timeline. We will stay on the timeline. I am writing this book. Do not worry, Beth. I've got it. And she was like, okay, well, it would be okay. This feels like a lot. And I was like, Yeah, it's a lot, but I'm good. I have a timeline. I'll be sticking to it. You'll get your pages.

SPEAKER_03:

Thank you. Um, I see that a lot with clients that get frustrated with themselves when their pattern eventually repeats and they're like, I thought I already did this. But typically we just have to our patterns will repeat. We get better and better at changing the course of them. Or recognizing them so you can get out of it. And pivoting, but sometimes it's a clients get bummed out, they're like, Oh, I did the same thing again. And I really try to soften that. Like, oh, of course you did. Like, that's yeah, part of your story, and you're recognizing it and doing it differently. Um, and where I do it is sometimes I get frustrated actually with myself where I'm like, oh wait, I knew better than that. I thought I'd grown already, or sometimes I'll want to fast forward and like be this magical person. I think I'll be in six months.

SPEAKER_01:

My therapist literally just looked at me this week and said, Wow. He was like, Do you remember when you started? And you said, I'm in maintenance. And I was like, That's I do remember that. Thank you for bringing that up. Um, it's kind of a tender subject. Um, but he was like, Wow, this feels like the work because I that big epiphany for me of like I protect, protect, protect, and then somehow transition into pretending. Um, and I don't know I'm doing it. Like it's this thing that I have done. And he's like, Well, there you go. And I'm like, I guess I'm not in maintenance. Haven't been in maintenance. Explain what maintenance is real quick. Yeah. For me, maintenance means proactively I knew I had some big stuff coming. I did not know what the big stuff was, as it turns out. But when I hired this therapist specifically, I was um just starting to write and it was bringing up a lot of stuff that I hadn't thought about in a really long time. And I just wanted to have a support system in case things were coming up that I needed to process. And then literally the week I started, my life like actually blew up, like started to blow up. And that was two years ago. Um, and then of course I protected and then pretended to the world. And I'd like to apologize about how shiny I made my fucking life look. You've said that on here. Okay, well, I want to say it every time. Just in case you missed the last episode.

SPEAKER_00:

I bet so like my uh guy friends, I think they're pretty intelligent and uh thoughtful people. I bet you if I like explained to them what we're talking about, every one of them would be like, What? Huh? Really? Oh yeah, I'm so out of that. Like this one, I'm just looking at both of y'all like, what is happening here?

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, obviously the time, like your stuff of the your stuff I know about and whatever. Okay. I'm just saying this this concept on the whole.

SPEAKER_01:

I think it is really a I do think this was this came, this was birthed out of us saying this is something that as women, it gives us a sense of control. When we don't have any control, we can decide these three things can happen over the next 31 days. Or in on January 1st, I'll tell people blank. You know, like even when I was going through divorce, I'm like, I'm gonna wait. I'm not gonna tell anybody until blank time. And then when I tell them that, then three months later I'll tell them this, and then I'll announce that I like who the like anybody it's like a PR plan for my fucking life that nobody actually gives a shit about. I nobody's looking at my life like studying it like that. I don't think.

SPEAKER_00:

If I ever had to do that announcement again or tell people, which I'm not going to, uh, I would I think I would just have a party. I'd invite everyone over that's on my list. And then when they're like, hey, where is she? I'd be like, oh, yeah, sorry, everything around. So here it is the band aid off. And now back to the drinks.

SPEAKER_01:

Do you know what's wine and slew? Okay, do you know what's crazy? Is I literally just did that with the board of the nonprofit that I helped start and the chair people. They worked so hard. I have been my capacity, has been so low. And I brought them over and was just like, hey, thanks for being the kind of women that stand in the gap. And by the way, I was doing the best I could. I don't think I did as good as I would like to have done for y'all, whatever. Okay. But, anyways, I think that is important to say it to the people. Is that the end of the game? No, yes. We're moving on from the game because of time, just as a heads up. But this last segment that you put in this episode, which I do want to cover.

SPEAKER_03:

I can't wait to hear.

SPEAKER_01:

Um, is instead of your timeline is delayed, or if you feel like your timeline is delayed, you said something earlier, like at the beginning of the episode where you're talking about people who are like, it should have already happened, I should have already had this. What's a reframe of that?

SPEAKER_03:

So I read this. What started this for me is I opened this book, like a daily reader, to a random page and it was about timeline. It felt really fitting that day. And I've said this before. When I ask clients just to reframe thinking, I think it sounds too cheap or too easy, and they're like, Oh, I'm good. Like, that's not gonna help me, but a reframe does help. So you can ask, like, what are the thoughts that I'm attached to that are really stressful and what's true? Like, what is a fact versus a story? That reduces the attachment to it, and that like I have to have this, and it's not necessarily about like sitting in the grief that I wish my house was different, like I shouldn't have ironed.

SPEAKER_01:

You did though it's fine. You know what? I it's so funny because I love watching movies. Like, this is I've never even thought of this. Never heard of these things.

SPEAKER_03:

What are you talking about?

SPEAKER_01:

But I will say it's funny to me because I have so many friends who are therapists and have been spending time with one particular therapist who says a lot. How would you reframe that? And I was like, But it's so helpful when you can take something and be like, man, this really sucks. And then have a friend, a tier one friend who could be like, or maybe this is protection. Maybe you didn't get the job because a better job is on the way. Maybe your that house didn't come through, the offer wasn't accepted because there's a better house or whatever. And that isn't Pollyanna.

SPEAKER_03:

That's right.

SPEAKER_01:

That is not Pollyanna. I really do believe that reframing helps you rewire your brain so you don't stay in patterns of arbitrary controlling timelines. Because that is suffering.

SPEAKER_03:

And I'm sure I've said that. Suffering is a choice. People don't like to hear that. Pain is going to happen. I'm gonna scrape my knee. Someone in my life is going to die. Like those are things that are inevitable. The suffering, and if I stay in that place, maybe it's a victimized place or an anxious place of it should have been, could have been, what do I need to do to control it? Is where I suffer. When adults are in pain and they can see it, they grow and get better or change or feel better. Pain is inevitable. So like roll with it.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, and there is a great book called The Choice by Dr. Edith Eager Edgar. I don't want to say that wrong. Um, and I read it when I was training through Germany, and it is about her surviving concentration camps. And if you want to hear, I mean, she spent her entire life as a therapist after that and our psychologist. And she talks about having to make a choice on how I was gonna reframe the suffering, the pain that I was in. And that's a really heavy way to think, but like ultimately it changed my perspective on how I was thinking or how what was I going to allow my mind? Where was I gonna allow my mind to go when things are really, really hard? Cause it's very easy to just call it in a like, this is the worst thing ever. But man, I read that book and bald the whole. I mean, it was, but it was also prof profound what she did with her life. She's still alive. Can hear her speak? And she still does a high kick. She was a ballerina and she danced, she saved her and her sister's life by dancing for the guy that was throwing them in to the gas chambers. That's real. It's so good. So good. Thank you, Tracy, if you're listening. She listens and she's a therapist that told me to read that book.

SPEAKER_00:

The choice, embrace the possible. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So good.

SPEAKER_00:

How about that? Little homework assignment.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, if you want, but it is a little, it's a harder, but it's also there's some levity in it. It's worth it. She's an amazing storyteller.

unknown:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

98 years old, too.

SPEAKER_01:

Hack kicks on the stage still. That's real. Wow. Here's what we want you to do. It's you you're you're moving into the new year. You have the ability to relinquish control, right, Claire? What would we tell people about relinquishing control as they move into 2026?

SPEAKER_03:

The timeline isn't yours. There's your own business, their business, and God or universe's business. Like stay in yours and let the timeline unfold. And timelines are different than deadlines.

SPEAKER_01:

Keep your hands open. Hands open to receive and hands open for things to leave. And you know what? I'm I'm on, I'm not on the other side of the hard things that have happened to me. But what I can tell you is thank God for people like Claire who made me be like, let what are you doing? Let that go. My life is exponentially better because I'm not trying to control everything right now. And I'm really grateful for that. And save your marriage and hire someone hang your curtains. Or don't save your marriage if you don't need to.

SPEAKER_03:

All right, so what do we talk about today? Before you cut bangs is hosted by Lara Quick and Claire Fearman and produced by Will Lockamy.

SPEAKER_01:

Follow along with us everywhere. Please subscribe to the podcast. Find us on Instagram. We're constantly doing polls. We want to know what you think. And I know that you probably know this, but reviewing us and giving us five stars matters more than anything, and we are so grateful to have you here.

SPEAKER_03:

We talk so much on the podcast about seeking therapy, getting help, finding resources. I would love to be able to help you with that. My website is up and running and beautiful. It is goodgrowthwithclaire.com. So whether you're in the state of Alabama or not, I want to be able to help direct you to the right resources. Goodgrowthwithclaire.com.

Contributor

Laura Quick

Host