Before You Cut Bangs
Hosted by Laura Quick and Claire Fierman, “Before You Cut Bangs” is full of hilarious conversations about real life, common and uncommon crises, and possible cosmetic errors that come along with it. Through storytelling and therapeutic wisdom, Claire and Laura share how to NOT fuck up your hair (and life) while walking through similar situations,
Produced by Will Lochamy
Before You Cut Bangs
3.8 Weirdos, Boundaries, and A Bombshell
A polite “thank you” isn’t consent—but online, it’s often treated that way. This episode unpacks how social media blurs boundaries, why parasocial intimacy feels real, and when curiosity turns into entitlement. Laura shares what happened after going publicly single, including the moment a stranger crossed the line by contacting her hairdresser to ask for a date.
Claire adds perspective shaped by years of media exposure as a close friend of Natalie Holloway, exploring harassment, cyberbullying, and the cost of visibility. Together, we lay out clear rules for healthier online boundaries: silence is an answer, block without guilt, and remember—visibility doesn’t equal access.
Welcome to Before You Cut Bangs.
SPEAKER_01:I'm Laura Quick. I'm a professional storyteller and I'm writing my first book. And I'm Claire Fearman. I'm a therapist, but not your therapist. Full disclaimer: take what you like, leave the rest.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, it's a new year. And um I've been single publicly. You know, single.
SPEAKER_00:I really didn't know if we'd said it on the microphones. I know because we record these things in such weird, a weird timeline.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, yes. I've said it. I'm been officially divorced now for well, whatever. It'll be four months, five months, whatever it is. You know, you don't really know what people know. Like I thought I was doing this great job of being cryptic about what was going on. And then I made an announcement. So it has been public on my socials for a while, whatever. I just felt like it was I try to be vulnerable and real. And so I did that. And then, you know, there were some messages that start flowing in from gentlemen or not, not gentlemen. Callers. Callers. Gentlemen callers.
SPEAKER_00:And lady callers? Were you hinting at lady callers as well?
SPEAKER_02:I don't, I haven't had any lady callers, although I would be flattered and honored if they did. I don't don't don't take that as invitation, but I would be flattered. Anyways, um, one particular guy. Uh I I'll be honest, I don't have my percentage of men that follow me is like low. It's mostly women that follow along with me. Like I would say under 30% of men are watch tuning in. Who cares?
SPEAKER_01:To your cat content.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I have a lot of, you know, yes, I'm a cat lady now. That's who I am. So this there were several, and I'm always really nice because people, it doesn't feel creepy to me. And I was just being kind and like people were just being like, How's the book going? Whatever. And I'm like, um, and then then it just one day I'm at a lunch in Birmingham, and this particular person had said several times, like, hey, I'd love to grab lunch with you sometimes. And I would be like, Okay, no, we don't know each other. This is a social media person. I'm at a lunch and like never met. Never he alleges that he has been around me. I don't recall this, whatever. And he says, after I've checked in, I can't believe you went to lunch in Birmingham and didn't reach out. And I was like, What do you mean you checked in? I just like posted that I'm no, like I posted on my socials, like I'm at lunch at the essential, right? Who's my client? We just did a rebrand and it turned out really good. Okay. It really is amazing. Thank you so much. And so I was like, wow, that's kind of creepy. I didn't say that. I was just like, I think maybe I'll stop responding to this person. So I did not realize that one of the things that if someone has decided they have a connection with you on social media, your response is kind of a yes. It's like an affirmation. And so it can continue. So I stopped responding. He kept showing up, like asking and being weird. I blocked him from every social media because it was getting really unhinged. I go to get my hair done.
SPEAKER_01:Tell us about unhinged.
SPEAKER_02:Just like just for fun. Like really, like just constantly asking, when can I see you? I'd really like to and but nothing like naked. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, none of that, which I appreciated.
SPEAKER_00:So look, I think after one, hey, can I hang out with you? If you if it's a negative or a no response, that's it. Well, and I will cut it out.
SPEAKER_02:We absolutely should say, men, if you're listening, and I know we don't have a ton of male listeners, I don't think, but we I don't know.
SPEAKER_00:Yesterday I was at my parents' house, and my dad and my guy friend were talking about this podcast, just like talking about it.
SPEAKER_02:Thank you. Thanks. Okay. I will say to guys, here's the deal. It is there is a creepy level that exists when you keep showing up after a girl is not engaging with you. And honestly, less is more. If you just do something nice and then you roll out and every once in a while you pop back up, that is gonna get you a lot further. This guy was like constant, constant, constant. I block him everywhere. I go get my hair done, which is 45 minutes away from Birmingham. I'm there, I'm sitting in her chair and she's like, Hey, I had this guy like message me and ask about you. He knows you get your hair done here, and he asked if I could put in a good word for him. This guy researched where I got my hair done. And because he wasn't, and he said, I think she's off of social media. And my Kenzie's like, no, she's not. So she was like, I assumed you blocked him because obviously you're still in social media. And so he's like messaging her. I unblocked him and messaged him and was like, Do you know how creepy it is? Do you understand that I blocked you because you would not quit? And then you reached out to she is a friend, but she's my hairdresser. I mean, she's my stylist. Like she puts Victoria in and makes it look cute. Elizabeth. Elizabeth, never crack me. I just had to make their names the same. But I just do both at this thing. I can only remember so many names. Anyways, I unblocked him and messaged him. And when I tell you he was very apologetic, and he's like, I had no idea. I'm like, how did you not know that that is a creepy people are weird?
SPEAKER_00:People are weird. And I know this is mostly a guy thing, but it's not exclusive to it.
SPEAKER_02:It is not exclusive to men. Certainly, I actually think that women are doing this. I believe social media has given us this weird access to thinking we have more intimate relationships with people. And especially if you're, you know, uh well, for instance, for instance, like you're on the radio, so people feel like they know you.
SPEAKER_00:And Facebook Messenger and Instagram DMs to a lot of people feel like it's a cell phone, like they can just text all the time.
SPEAKER_01:Yes. Has it ever been creepy?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, of course. Mine, I have some the Facebook messages. I do think whoever is hanging out on Facebook Messenger is way more audacious and ridiculous. Like the things that I have this one guy that I have not responded to in 20 messages. And he texts twice a week or messages twice a week. Do you know him? I have known him for many years, and he has said things like you know, I have a place in Rossbridge and at the beach, and you know, if you ever just need like a place to just a getaway. And I'm like, Do you know how creepy that is? Like, we're not close like that. You don't have my cell phone number. You don't have my cell phone number. So I just feel like there is this weird delusion and there's this weird access that people feel like they have to you personally, and maybe because from a visibility standpoint, both you and I do share like things that would make you feel like you know us.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, sure.
SPEAKER_02:More than you. Claire doesn't do that. We're on lockdown over here. Lockdown. There's very little. Every once in a while, Claire might be like, I'm rescuing my cat from inside my house, and that's funny.
SPEAKER_01:But we all let my followers get to see how funny I am.
SPEAKER_02:And your pro your account's like private, private, private.
SPEAKER_00:I don't have anything crazy in my life. If I did, if I had something like, ooh, I probably wouldn't share it.
SPEAKER_02:Well, I don't share things until I'm at least closed up enough where I don't feel like I'm gonna fall apart. Hell, there was a while there, y'all. I really wasn't like, my friends were genuinely like, have you showered? Have you eaten? When was the last time? Well, I wasn't talking about anything real in my life on my socials.
SPEAKER_00:Well, and I've told you that I've had radio listeners reach out and be like, oh, I'm listening to that podcast. I can't believe what I'm learning. I've been listening on the radio for years and had no idea about all this. So I've got way more open on this about myself than I can. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And I think you are too. This is probably the most vulnerable space that you're in for sure.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and mine's private for a different reason. Well, like first I have little kids, so that feels private to me too. But also, I mean, from the time Facebook came, okay, so Facebook came out the year Natalie disappeared, and it was really benign then. You had to have the college or university email address. It was only for college students, and it wasn't scary or weird. Like my parents weren't on it, you know. Not that they're scary or weird, but they're gonna argue with somebody on Facebook, which is wild to me. But I'm like, I don't think so. Don't engage, don't engage. Come on. Um and fairly soon after that, blogs were super big and blogs were free reign. So people started taking stuff from Facebook and putting it on blogs about me and my friends that were in Aruba with Natalie. And when I say I think that we're dropping like a pretty big bomb right now that most people don't.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, we've got to be able to do that. Yeah, we've never talked about the fact that so very purposefully have never mentioned it.
SPEAKER_00:That's why, like in a previous episode of Woman Before This, I just said your trauma because I knew we'd never mentioned this. Because even with the one episode where you think we talked about it, we specifically pulled it out. Said you we can't talk about it.
SPEAKER_02:So surprise. Oh can you can you tell the people what you're saying right now?
SPEAKER_00:This is yeah, definitely uh uh dropping a little bomb here.
SPEAKER_01:Thank you guys for really keeping us on track. So when I was at uh see and this will tie into creepers, um uh my senior year of high school. High school. Here we go. Um my one of my best friends is Natalie Holloway. If you're unfamiliar, you can Google her. But the long story short, we went to Aruba on our senior trip. She was murdered on that trip, which was not really that sounds crazy, but solidified until two years ago, basically. And um 20 years later.
SPEAKER_03:Twenty years later.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, so 20 years later. And I mean that changed the course of many of our lives and in a lot of ways. And I think we can save like the story of all of that for another time, but it was a very public story, like national, international news. I mean, it took place in another country and it blew up for whatever reason.
SPEAKER_02:And one of the things that I love about you and and a lot of the friends in that friend group y'all were advocating because you didn't know what happened. You thought she was missing, and so you were on everything looking for her. No one knew what happened.
SPEAKER_00:When we started this podcast, I was meeting you for the first time, maybe. Um we I'm sure we were around each other at some point in the past, but you know, like the second time we hung out, you brought this up, and it was just like a bomb. What? Because I immediately knew you. I knew who you were because I'd seen you on TV so many times. Like I told you, like Joel's other best friend, like I would see her in public, it was like, oh my gosh, because I just saw you guys all the time. It was a ma massive international news story for years.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. And it was a big, I mean, I think that not I'm in no way comparing, but I think a lot of us that were around that same age, everybody was freaked out to travel, to go and take a trip with your friends because this felt like it could be any of us. Like, I mean, yeah, and not that it I'm not do not want to minimize, but that international news made all of us aware of the reality, it could happen to anybody.
SPEAKER_01:And, you know, I can do a whole episode on what people thought and their opinions on what we should have done differently and whatever. But the reality is is we were 18 years old and did what every 18-year-old would have done. So when we get back, we did not know what happened to her. So, I mean, lots of advocacy were on every news network that you can think of. I mean, Nancy Grace bullied me to no end on national television. Um, she was the worst. I also at the time, I'm like, I don't know the difference in Fox News and NBC. Like, I not that it was all the same to me.
SPEAKER_02:Well, and you were going everywhere because you loved your friend. Oh, yeah. You were like, whatever, anybody, I'll talk to anybody because I'm about finding my friend.
SPEAKER_01:Well, we pulled back from that because of what I'm about to talk about with the bullying that came and the like disasters that came to our personal lives from it. But this is actually timely. So in January, the Netflix documentary will come out about her.
SPEAKER_00:Which is we interviewed the director of that, but we weren't allowed to say that that's why he was here. We interviewed about him about his other documentaries. Yes.
SPEAKER_01:So that's right. So um once Facebook, I mean, I guess Facebook gets more open, these blogs start coming out, and they're po they, because I don't know who these people are, are posting the most heinous things. Uh I'll never forget reading one, and it's like Claire Fearman can drink the big boys under the table, which is hilarious because I was like a pretty, like terrible drinker, didn't even like it that much. And I was like, okay. And then she then it said, and she gets her exercise at the Seely Posturopedic Gym. That I didn't know what that I didn't get the joke. It's a mattress. I'm familiar. So I'm reading it out loud to my mother, and I'm like 19 years old, and she's like, Oh, that means you have sex all the time with people. And I was like, What? So I mean, that was like starts of people being assholes. Then as social media gets bigger and bigger, direct messages to me from I know what happened, you need to call me. This is on Facebook, Instagram, any way they can access us. Um, or worse, like that's like to be expected in kooky bananas. Like, I'm a psychic and you should reach out to me because I know. Um, but the crazy ones are the horrible ones. I say are because they still happen, it'll happen again in January. Where people say, This was your fault. And that's not just to me, that's to other people. This was your fault. You did this. Um, I mean, on one of my best friends public, I mean, on her Instagram before she made it private, on her post of her kids, your kids should die. You don't deserve a family, like atrocious, terrible things, terrible things. So I locked it down, but that's what you're saying. Once people saw my face, it gives them permission that they know my story better.
SPEAKER_02:Well, because they just know better. They just know better because they made an assumption about you because of this myopic view that they have based on the singular thing that happened to you, around you, whatever. Same thing for us. When you're and this, they're not comp comparable, but it's the same idea. It is people are delusional. And any engagement, this is what I've learned, especially with men who have been sliding up and messaging me. If I give them anything, it's a yes.
SPEAKER_03:Anything.
SPEAKER_02:Anything, any engagement, any message back, even if I'm just being kind, even if I just say thank you, it's a yes. And so, unless I'm truly interested, and I'm not, by the way, but if I am, then I should engage. And if I'm not, I shouldn't. And that's a really sad place to be because I don't, it's weird. I don't feel that way about any of the women that, you know, message me about, like, oh, I saw that post. That was really great, blah, blah, blah. That's a completely different. I don't know.
SPEAKER_01:Well, I said this to you when we were at lunch the other day that defensiveness is violence. Like, no matter how we do it, like if we're defensive back, we're either violent towards our own selves or towards somebody else. And I don't mean physical violence, but it doesn't do anything if I'm in defense. So I I block, delete, whatever, all of that stuff. The only things I will respond to is I have had messages and they don't feel kooky or weird or crazy, but it might be someone that's the same age as me say something like, I read that article when you were in this magazine. I was that age. I can't imagine what it was like. I still can't wrap my head around it. And I just want to say it was really profound or something. I will thank them, share my gratitude because that is meaningful to me, because that means Natalie gets remembered.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And that was why we did all of this, anyways. It was either to find her or honor that story and protect other people.
SPEAKER_02:Well, and I mean, one of the things that I think y'all have done, you've done specifically since I've known you and the interviews that you have taken, which you don't take all of them now. There's lots of people. No, Netflix was the last I'll ever do.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, but can we are we gonna do an episode on this? I feel like we need to do an episode. We well, I don't know.
SPEAKER_02:I do he really wants to.
SPEAKER_00:You said a year or two ago, like we're going to do an episode on this one.
SPEAKER_02:I think after it comes out, that would be a really good time for us to to do something around it if you feel comfortable. Yeah, let's do it afterwards.
SPEAKER_00:I've learned this. Like uh I the person I played drums for for years and toured with is like Grammy Winter and like did all this stuff like SNL has had characters of her, and and so but we didn't have like just on tour, you don't have these like deep talks, right? But then I was hired to host this documentary, and she was one of the people being interviewed. And so I spent two hours sitting at a table interviewing somebody who I consider to be family and asking all these questions that I've never asked her before about her crazy life and career and all this fame and whatever. Um, and it was I was like, oh, this microphone is really cool to be able to have between me and my friend. So anyway, so that's kind of because I don't know, it's gonna be my best interview. And I've got lots of questions. I've never talked to you about it because I don't yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Well, and I think I I we also wanted to honor the fact that there was you are so honoring around that story. And I think that you do that because of that you have you look back at the yeses that you said just out of naivety. Like you you were just naive. You didn't know. You said yes because you thought you were doing the right thing. You were a child, literally, your brain wasn't developed. And now I think that when you say yes to an interview, it's really what thoughtful. And this last thing that you did, it was really about how hardcore you said no 10 times before you said yes. I remember you were like, No, no, no, no. And then finally you said yes.
SPEAKER_01:Matthew had to fly to Birmingham to have coffee with me for me to say yes. And when we sat down, I was like, Are you recording me on your phone? He was like, God, no. And he was like, I'm not a journalist. And that was, I was like, Oh, right, that's different. Well, and golly, journalists these days are pretty loose.
SPEAKER_02:Um, but I I will say it has been amazing to be your friend and watch you evolve through that. But also, I've been a part of the moments in the year where you start getting an influx of people being really mean to you, even with a private account. People still message you and say crazy shit. And it's really just because I know you in your heart and how much this has. Affected and impacted your story. The how you did not go to Europe with me for my 40th birthday because you like had not done that since then.
SPEAKER_00:I like how the top of the notes for this episode say the tone. Funny.
SPEAKER_02:Sorry. Well, Victoria gets it right. Gets it wrong. Well, I will say it is funny to think that people can be delusional and that you think you're being nice. So it doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman. Someone messages you something and you think you're being nice, and then all of a sudden, before you know it, they're reaching out to your hairdresser to find out if they can put in a good word for you.
SPEAKER_00:The general public is weird.
SPEAKER_02:Yes.
SPEAKER_00:It's just true. People are just weird.
SPEAKER_01:But now we get to see it all the time in a different way.
SPEAKER_00:But like go to go to a big box store, right? Like go to a theme park and you look around and be like, oh dang, people are weird.
SPEAKER_01:It is so true.
SPEAKER_00:And we don't mean it in a bad way. No, it's just an honest way. Because we kind of live in our bubbles a little bit. And maybe look, maybe all these people think we are weird. And that's fine. Probably.
SPEAKER_02:They definitely probably do. Okay, so what do we say to the people? Let's talk to the delusional people.
SPEAKER_01:Okay. A couple things. If you're a keyboard warrior, you know, first, it will it does nothing but heighten your own pain and anxiety around, we'll say suffering, because we're into pain these days, growing through it. So when someone irritates you, triggers you, makes you angry, you have a hate follow, and you go to respond. That's a faulty sense of control, which is just like from like our episode the episode right before this. That that is false. So right after you get the dopamine hit of the response, you're gonna end up with less than what you started, meaning like less good feelings than when you started. Um, also, people respond like they know you. That is not factual information. We don't know these people. I don't know these people.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Well, the internet has done a really good job of making us think that we do know people and giving us access.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, like I have a question of the day on the morning show, and one of them is like, Who do you feel like you know that you don't know? And for me, it's it's the host of these podcasts I listen to. I feel like they are my friends and I know them. Yeah, and so that's what you know. I told you like one time we were at the store and somebody came up and was like, Oh, hey, and hey, Lila, and whatever, and like talking all about a track and this and that, and and like then we walked off. She's like, How do you know them? I was like, Oh, I've never met that person. That's a listener that just because they hear I talk about you and a man and whatever. And so yeah, that was eye-opening for her. She's like, What?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, well, I think there's a do a delusional side and then like a miracle side of people you might meet. Like, I was checking out at Sundog Books, my favorite bookstore in the world, in Seaside years ago. And this girl was like, Are you Claire? This was pre-private account, and when I was publicly funny, and I was like, Yes. And she her name was Bobby, and she's adorable. And she had followed me or I followed her, and it was like awesome, and we still keep up, and she's adorable. So sometimes I think you have these opportunities to connect. So I don't want to make it sound like it's just delusional nutsos. What a gift to like get to meet people in this way. Agreed.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, but to the delusional people who are sliding up, and it you brought up a really interesting thing. There's kind of two schools of thought here. You might be, if you're the delusional person that's sliding up and being mean, and you're a keyboard warrior that's going hard at somebody and making them feel small or talking shit, like that probably feels really good to you in the moment. But I think that sometimes we forget there's a human on the other side of that. And they're gonna see that and read that. And chances are they're just doing their best and they're trying to, you know, occupy their corner of the world with whatever and they're serving an audience. And guess what? If you're not the audience, unfollow. Unfollow.
SPEAKER_01:You can get out of there anytime.
SPEAKER_02:You don't have to look at it. You can, there are literally settings on every platform where you can say, I don't want to see this again. And you can unfollow, you can block, you can delete, you can do all those things. But the opposite side of that, let's say you're the person that's really an admirer, you're a big fan and you're sliding up and you're having conversations. If they are engaging back with you, that's one thing. But if you're sliding up on someone's stuff or you're messaging them constantly and they are not talking back to you, I'm with Will. I think you gotta you gotta else it. You gotta let it go. Let it go. That's weird. And maybe you don't know. Maybe no one's told you that that's weird, but we are telling you as your friends. I am here to tell so many men that women and well, yes, Will would like to tell some ladies.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, I don't care. I just don't I don't respond to open stuff anymore.
SPEAKER_02:But but truly, I was super naive. I be I just didn't, I've never, it's so interesting. Like, I just have mostly people that are like really kind and awesome. And I have, you know, I try to correspond with people when they like are like, oh wow, I really resonated with that, or I have gone through that same thing or whatever. And that's been awesome. I love that. I don't want people to stop. But if you're being creepy or if you've messaged messaged someone several times and they're not messaging you back, I think you should just let it go.
SPEAKER_01:Well, and I think that's important on the other side, what you said of like no response is perfectly fine. And I think we talked about in the last episode, like, I don't owe anybody a response. It's my time. And I might make somebody uncomfortable or disappointed that I haven't responded, but that's okay to live with it.
SPEAKER_02:Yes. You are allowed, and if you have people blowing you up, I have several clients that are very um famous, like for real famous. And it is really interesting because the younger they are, so the more um like social media has just always been a part of their life. I think the more obligated they feel, like they have like everybody has to like me. And I want and I want to be able to engage with people and you know, to sit and have the conversations of like, but you don't have to do that. And actually, you're allowed to just leave someone unread and you don't have to respond. And by the way, you can delete and block them too. If someone is being cruel or hateful, get rid of them, throw it out there. And it's funny because our brains are programmed to remember the hardest, worst, crappiest things that people say. People could say 5,000 people could say wonderful things about you, and one person could say something shitty, and you're like, I'm a piece of shit. Here it is, confirmed. I'm the worst.
SPEAKER_00:People are the worst.
SPEAKER_02:I think that's our message here. All right. I think we actually had a lot of messages in here, but it's a new year. Don't be the worst. You know what I mean? Be your best. Be your best. And uh don't be creepy. And if you are, if you're not sure if you're creepy, ask your friends. Phone a friend. Phone a friend, give your phone to someone and let them see the creepy shit you're doing or not creepy shit that you're doing. They will approve or disapprove unless they're just like you.
SPEAKER_01:Before you cut bangs is hosted by Lara Quick and Claire Fearman and produced by Will Lockman. Follow along with us everywhere.
SPEAKER_02:Please subscribe to the podcast, find us on Instagram. We're constantly doing polls. We want to know what you think. And I know that you probably know this, but reviewing us and giving us five stars matters more than anything, and we are so grateful to have you here.
SPEAKER_01:We talk so much on the podcast about seeking therapy, getting help, finding resources. I would love to be able to help you with that. My website is up and running and beautiful. It is goodgrowthwithclaire.com. So, whether you're in the state of Alabama or not, I want to be able to help direct you to the right resources. Goodgrowthwithclair.com.
