Before You Cut Bangs
Hosted by Laura Quick and Claire Fierman, “Before You Cut Bangs” is full of hilarious conversations about real life, common and uncommon crises, and possible cosmetic errors that come along with it. Through storytelling and therapeutic wisdom, Claire and Laura share how to NOT fuck up your hair (and life) while walking through similar situations,
Produced by Will Lochamy
Before You Cut Bangs
3.11 Are Manners Dead? Claire thinks Southern Etiquette Might Save Us…
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What if “being real” has become an excuse for being rude? In this episode, we explore the line between honesty and etiquette—and why manners are less about politeness and more about keeping relationships intact.
Through stories about raising respectful kids, dressing for the role you want, and meeting a partner’s parents with grace, we unpack the difference between niceness and kindness.
We also look at the small gestures that build connection—offering a drink at the door, making one thoughtful effort when hosting, or sending a handwritten thank-you note.
Setting The Table: Why Manners
SPEAKER_03Welcome to Before You Cut Bangs.
SPEAKER_01I'm Laura Quick. I'm a professional storyteller and I'm writing my first book. And I'm Claire Fearman. I'm a therapist, but not your therapist. Full disclaimer: take what you like, leave the rest. This episode is brought to you today by me and something that I've noticed and have bit my tongue on for far too long. Long enough. It's been long enough. It's been long enough. And I can't wait to hear your opinion as a person and a parent. Why'd you look at him? I am also a person and a parent. Bro. Maybe you need a couple deep breaths. We have talked about this at length privately. That's true. Okay, fine.
SPEAKER_04He doesn't even know about all my ideas.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, that's right.
SPEAKER_04That is true. That is true. And she has a lot of great ideas. Maybe you brought some energy in today. I did bring some energy. I want to apologize for all of my I'm very, I feel very activated. I'm just kidding. Okay, deep breath. Go ahead. Manners. Okay. I'm sorry for interrupting you. Please go on.
Cutoffs, Capacity, And Rudeness
SPEAKER_01Well, she spoiled it. It's manners. So can I give a little backstory of why this feels important to me? 100%. Okay. Thank you guys. I really like the support today from him. I'm just kidding. Um, so a little backstory. I had noticed in my profession, not necessarily with one-on-one clients, but maybe talking to people or seeing online, a big era of um you don't like, I'm paraphrasing here, but somebody did something, whether it be a family member or a coworker, and you go straight to cut them off. We're done. Like estrangement. What's the word that I'm looking for? Ripcord, abandonment. Those are excellent, but there's like a name. I'm gonna find that name. Um, but the idea is if you do not agree with as an adult with your parents, maybe it's politically or how they raised you, you cut them off. And I want to give a caveat to some people experience extreme trauma, abuse, and neglect and have no reason to have a relationship with their parents. That is a totally different conversation. So I'm noticing all this like big talk about you just cut them off. And you can, you know, no is a complete sentence. And so it really started to bother me. Um, and it was misleading because it made people think they were being empowered, but I thought they were being rude. And then I start seeing all this stuff about canceling plans is like my favorite thing, and canceling plans is self-care. And look, we all do love our own time and don't mind a cancellation. That's not what I'm talking about. It is the idea like you've made a commitment to somebody, and then in the name of self-care, you're canceling. Like, I don't have the capacity for this right now, and y'all know I'll love some capacity. Okay, so I'm seeing all this stuff and I'm finding that it's making me angry. Can't figure out why. And all these jokes about Southerners are so rude and we're sweet on the outside and mean on the inside. And then I had this light bulb, I guess, in like November, because I called you, so we have talked about this. I was like, you know, I think there's a place for manners and etiquette that they've gotten a bad rap, that it's fake, that it's not altruistic, and that southerners are full of shit, and that we need to be empowered, but it looked to me like rudeness. Are we tracking here?
SPEAKER_00I think so.
SPEAKER_01I was I was there, I was at the table. You gave me a glass of wine. We talked about it. I remember. Yeah, yeah. I was feeling really, really passionate about this.
SPEAKER_00I didn't know about this, but I hear you. Like I understand.
SPEAKER_01But this is you see me, you hear me, you're with me.
SPEAKER_00This is news to me. I have thoughts on like etiquette and all that stuff, but I didn't know that it was people thought it was like rude-ish. Like that you were, yeah. Anyway, go ahead.
SPEAKER_01I think it's a lost art. So today that's what I want to talk about. Is to me, the more I'm researching, because now I've bought a stack of etiquette books and manners books, to me, manners became like passe or old school or inauthentic. So we've pushed them aside in the name of empowerment. But to me, that has disrupted relationship. And we're not as thoughtful, we're not as slow, as conscientious as sitting down and writing a thank you note, we might send a text. I have a thousand more things to say, but I'm just gonna pause for a second.
Kindness Versus Niceness
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I think this brought up for me, like when we were talking about it, I think that there is, and listen, I come from a family where I've had to take breaks from my family. A lot of that was personal. Like I needed to go and do some work and some healing work and find out what does healthy rhythm with my family, who I don't necessarily in almost any way see the world the same, right? Um, but what would it look like for me to take a break? And the big thing that comes up for me is there is a difference between being nice and polite and being kind. Kind is direct and honest and all of those things, but I think that that's reserved for your closest, tightest people. And what I am realizing with the generations that maybe even in our generation, the generations behind us, that they believe they need to be kind, direct. I'll cut you off. I need to tell you exactly. Here's the whole truth, nothing but the truth, and I hate what you just said. Versus sometimes your family does slip into where you just need to be nice. And what nice looks like is not being inauthentic. It is saying not everything that I disagree with you on is worth a debate. Yes. That I am allowed to still respect you as a human and the opinions that you have and not engage with you. So I think we're talking about manners for sure, but kind versus I could be kind, Will. We've known each other for a decade. I could be like, man, I really I didn't agree with what you said. And we could have a discussion about it and still not agree, but hear each other. We have that relational equity. Versus if you're sitting at the dinner dining room table and your dad says something that you fundamentally are like, that's not right, true, where did you get that information? You have a choice. You can cut him off and never speak to him again because he's didn't get it. He doesn't agree, doesn't see the world the same, or you can take a deep breath and be like, hmm, move on.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and this the whole family thing that he's kind of started with and that Laura's talking about. I don't put that and the manner's conversation in the same thing. I think these are almost two, but I'm very interested to see how this I think of that as more of just Well I think of this as in friend groups too.
SPEAKER_04Like you gotta decide. When is it, when do you go to the map? But you can just be nice. Not everything, not every way that you don't see the world the same way as someone is a worth making a huge divide. I think so. Yeah, so like niceness and kindness. Niceness is you can use your manners and move on. That's how this is what I think. But I think Claire might even see it differently than this. I don't know.
SPEAKER_00I just see manners as being one thing and then being kind, they're not mutually exclusive. Like, I don't think they have to be the same thing.
SPEAKER_01I agree. Manners can be um a blip of something you do, like putting your napkin in your lap. I think a manner is a small skill set. Etiquette has to do with a long-term relationship, and like etiquette could be ever like changing and growing. To me, etiquette is the umbrella of all of these things that we're talking about. And you're right, kindness, politeness, niceness is under, I think, the etiquette umbrella.
SPEAKER_04I think that's kind of what I was thinking is I feel like niceness and kindness are two different things. Nice is surface, kindness is we have a relationship, and I could, I can say, I don't, I'm not sure if I agree with that.
SPEAKER_00And I think of etiquette as like, where does the fork go? Like, uh, does the knife? I'm not kidding. Like, that's I think of etiquette. That's what I think of.
SPEAKER_01You're right though.
SPEAKER_00Because I had to like take it. My mom, like, you know, she wants to like study it.
SPEAKER_01Oh, love jelly.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and then but I mean, also, like, so my children, I think I'm very lucky. I think they're incredibly kind, right? They care about other people, they want to do nice, they do nice things for folks. Also, they drive me crazy because I cannot get them to say yes ma'am, no ma'am, yes sir, no, sir. Drives me insane. So I think again, two like they're very kind, but manners-wise, is that going away?
SPEAKER_04Is yes ma'am, no ma'am, is that going that makes me very sad.
Manners, Etiquette, And Cooth
SPEAKER_00I don't know. Well, I mean, for us, like I I don't know how it was instilled into me, but it was. And it's like still to this day. I mean, like, I yes, ma'am, no ma'am, yes. Yeah. But their mom, who's awesome and very kind and great in every way, she's like, it's not a big deal to teach them that. And I was like, Oh, it is, but somehow her not thinking it was a big deal overruled. So no, it doesn't matter how many times I've said, You hey, say yes, ma'am. That I can't get them to do.
SPEAKER_01So glad you brought this up. Um, well, quick question does he do it to his teachers?
SPEAKER_00I don't know. I'm not really but I mean, like in the doctor's office, he'll be like, yeah. I'll be like, uh yes, sir.
SPEAKER_04Okay, wait. So your your kids are how old?
SPEAKER_0016 and 14.
SPEAKER_0416 and 14. Your kids are 10 and 12. Okay, Clay's 22. Clay absolutely grew up, grew up saying yes, ma'am, no, ma'am, yes or no, sir, all those things. Vincent, how old are you?
unknown24.
SPEAKER_04And are you a yes ma'am, no, ma'am? Okay. Yeah. He said yes. He said yes, and he said that's military.
SPEAKER_00He just nodded us head.
SPEAKER_04She's an elder. Oh my God.
SPEAKER_01If he said yes, ma'am to me, I'll fall out of this chair and die. I don't like it said to me, which is funny. Like, if I have younger clients that are like 18, 19 and they say yes, ma'am, I'm like, let me get out my walker. But then I'm like, wait, that was really nice. Okay, let me backtrack and get to the meat of this to me. This also started not just because social media made me angry. I messed up. So I moved out west before I got married the first time. We had our kids out there, and um didn't move back until my oldest was almost four. So there was no ma'ams and sirs out west. And I would like the I'd kind of swung far away from southern culture because I was in the category of how much like we messed up and I need to like make this statement of being different. And so when we moved back, we decided to teach the kids to say it like at school and in public, but they didn't have to say it to us. And so that doesn't stick super well or it didn't at our house. And that's like a blip on the ways I feel like I've messed up and am retract like going backwards on all of this stuff. So I do think we're losing it. I do think it's important, but I want to know why if y'all think it's important because before I say why, before people on this podcast listening in New York are like, these racist fucks.
SPEAKER_00So I mean, here's the thing it's like when other, if a kid doesn't say yes, sir to me, I don't care. Like I don't even notice. It's with my kids that I notice.
SPEAKER_04But why is it important?
SPEAKER_00I don't know.
SPEAKER_04Okay, wait, it's embedded in you. Let me let me say this. This is like a hilarious story that I have about Clay. So Clay's 22, almost 23. Um, Clay grew up, like he would have thought he was like a little butler. I mean, he's just yes, ma'am, yes, sir, no, sir. I mean, he would have rolled out with a tray. Like, I don't know. He was so good at that. But, you know, it was funny because things that were tolerated inside our house, there's almost like this understanding. There's a current that's like, we do this here, but we would never do that out there. It's a very compartmentalized kind of vibe, right? So Clay moves to Nashville at 18. And a couple years ago, he started dating this like gorgeous, really smart, fun um young lady. Her name's Jaden, and she's wonderful. And when Clay met her mom, well, he had written a song, and the opening line was, I just had some sex. Yep.
SPEAKER_00When he was at what age?
SPEAKER_0121.
SPEAKER_00Oh.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, he's allowed to do it, but it not did he sing it for the mom.
SPEAKER_04Oh, it's it was out there for a minute, okay. And then he played a show. Her mom's there. And Clay also, I think he put it on the internet, the song, like just like acoustic. But he also dropped an F-bomb, which is like normal for us. And she was like, You do not. I think she was offended about the song. God, if she's listening to this, I just want you to know I I understand. I would feel the same way. But she was like, You can't say fuck on the internet. You don't need to be doing that. The girlfriend of the mother. The girlfriend's mom.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_04And Clay's like, uh listen, I get, I understand, like, not every I I'm I'm happy to not say that in your house, but like the way I live, and just so you know, like that's just part of our vernacular. As like my mom says fuck and loves Jesus and loves people at a high level. And I say yes, ma'am, and no, sir. But I also say fuck and I write songs about whatever life. Um, but it was a like huge moment of just like the dichotomy of Clay being this like Clay is a super kind, like very I mean, he's a kind kid with like good manners and loves people really well. But he didn't even think like how that might affect her mom, you know.
Yes Ma’am Culture And Generations
SPEAKER_00See, and I would describe that as like, well, you just didn't really have a lot of cooth in that song in that moment. And so I like looked up like, what's the exact definition of cooth? Which is uh good mannered. Yes, so it's the same thing, but I for some reason I I think of again my definition of manners is more of the yes ma'am no ma'am opening a door for someone, stuff like that. Uh, etiquette is more like how you eat at a table, and then cooth is more like the appropriateness of the way.
SPEAKER_04When well adjusting to your adjusting your audience, like is a big thing. And that's what you know, we had a discussion about it, and what I told him was like, listen, there's a lot of emotions tied up in your children, you know, and as a mom, I care about what happens to Clay the same way you're gonna care about what happens to Bertie and Gus, like the same way you care about what happens to your kids. I imagine her mom felt the exact same way, and that activated something. So while it might be like she's like, I don't want you to say that, you know, she's also like a a lot older than you, and it's sacrificial. You can let that fall to the floor, and you know what? Still love her and still have manners and still say, Yes, ma'am, I understand. I'm probably still gonna say that word. I just won't do it in your house.
SPEAKER_01I love that response, by the way. Um, so I don't want to get us too hooked on the yes, ma'am, no ma'am thing because we have like it's not just southern people listening. A piece of this that I'm that I want to express is if we lack manners, etiquette, cooth, like let's just lump those into a category for the sake of this first episode on this. We disrupt relationship. That's what I'm learning to believe. I disrupt connection. It doesn't feel as true, it doesn't feel as deep. And I don't think these what we might have considered like perfunctory southern bullshit, I I don't think it was a waste of time. I think it has, I was looking through an old etiquette book and it was like where to place a crystal ashtray on the table. And like I'd like to know because we all could start smoking again. But like there are things that like so it might swing back. I hope so. So, anyways, I'm like all the French people were smoking and they seemed fine when I was there. But um, just like any other area, whether it's like art or music or culture or dress, like it adapts and changes over time. My hope is I'm gonna I'm starting to movement, is what's happening. I just want to swing back to it a little bit in really specific ways. And I don't think it's that crazy. Um, y'all know I don't believe in potlucks. Yes, I don't either.
SPEAKER_00You don't believe in them. We don't believe in them. You're not for them.
SPEAKER_01No, we don't believe them.
SPEAKER_00You believe they happen. You believe they believe.
SPEAKER_01We've heard of them. We actually don't believe in them at all. Let me tell you why. So I'm I'm rewriting everything, and also let me say uh my kids can be like incredibly rude to me, and we aren't just walking around like in buttoned up.
SPEAKER_04She's actually not talking about this from a place of I've got it all figured out. She's just saying, I've observed this problem, and I'd really like for us to swing back.
SPEAKER_01I'm in the part of enlightenment, and I did tell my kids the other day, I'm like, I'm doing a lot of research on this stuff, and y'all are so rude to me.
SPEAKER_04And they're like, okay. Um it's like that meme I sent you of the woman sitting at the table and she gets up and like loses it on her kids. And she's like, You guys are disrespectful, blah, blah, blah. But it's as the camera pans out, she's at an IKEA, and she's like, Yeah, this this is the dining room table for me.
SPEAKER_01It is so good. If you haven't seen it, excellent. Okay. So I think the big ones that I would love to hit on today, um, and I have questions. Do y'all think that dress is appropriate for certain occasions? Oh shit. I'm sorry. I derailed this from potlucks. I'll get back to that.
SPEAKER_04Okay, wait, dress. Say more. What does that mean? Dress. Um a dress?
SPEAKER_01No, no, no. Um, okay.
SPEAKER_05Attire.
SPEAKER_01Attire. So when I was in school, there was a dress code, you know, however many inches your top had to be and your shorts had to be however much above your knee. At the at the middle school where my daughter is it out the window, no dress code at all anymore. I mean, I think if you were like almost naked, it's in you home.
SPEAKER_04So one of my best friends, Jess, she's a teacher, a high school teacher, and I use that term very loosely. She's a coach, so and she would probably say that too, but she definitely would. Um, same thing. Dress code's gone. I know when I was in middle and high school, there was like a finger pit fingertip length shorts and like no crop tops, you couldn't be showing. Your tank tops had to be so many inches. Um, I think we have swung so far on like we're we're not going to shame women into believing they're creating monsters by like showing their bodies. That's right, right. And I I love that mentality. I think at the end of the day, though, the same way that I am not wearing the same outfits, and boy, I could show you some from my 20s that I look back and cringe, I'm not wearing those in my 40s. Because I do think that there is a level of appropriateness that we can take people on that journey. And when when our kids get to a certain age and they can practice a sense of agency of choosing what they love and how much of their body they want to show, that's great. But I think this correction has gotten us away from boundaries, which is where children thrive.
SPEAKER_01This is what I'm preaching. So I was scared when I was gonna bring up this topic to people that they would think uh, and people know me. I hope people don't think I'm like shaming, slut shaming women and think it's like slut shaming.
SPEAKER_04That has been a key phrase recently. I was talking to one of a gentleman that I adore who I mentor, and he was like, Are you slut shaming me? Because I asked him some specific questions about a date, and I was like, What does that mean? And then I was like, Yes, I am slut shaming you actually.
Adjusting To Your Audience
SPEAKER_01So I'm not because slut-shaming you, Harrison. If you're listening, if you're listening. I want to be crystal clear. Dress however you want to dress. My point is when we are boundaried, when we are contained, when I feel good, I'm going to show up better. And I will dress differently if I'm going to work out than if I'm going to a job because I have respect for my clients. So if I wore tight biker shorts and a tank top to my job, I have a great example of diagnose mental health issues. I don't think it presents respect. So my the reason I brought this up is I do think there is a certain attire for my comfort level, your comfort level.
SPEAKER_04Right. Okay, so I have a great example of this. I helped find a very talented young woman to do a marketing position for a client of mine. That client happened to be a waterfront facility. Um, and so it was very normal for them to wear like Lululemon like skirts and like little polos. That's like totally normal. But one day I showed up and I'm famously quoted with inside my company for this. I walk up, and I'm not kidding, this girl is wearing like patent leather stacked boots to her knees, tiny little shorts, and a crop top. And I literally was like, why do you look like I said this, why do you look like you're going to a club in Miami right now? And she was like, I FaceTime my mom and she loved this outfit. I was like, I don't give a shit. Why are you wearing that? I was like, because here's what I would love for you to do. I'd love for you to consider the 78-year-old woman who owns this facility and ask yourself the question, would she be cool with what I'm wearing representing this company? And if the answer is no, you shouldn't be wearing it because you look like you're going to a club in Miami right now and it's 10 a.m on a Tuesday.
SPEAKER_01So what would you say if she was like, well, I'm not going to let's just make believe a story here because I think I'm teetering on, I don't want to contradict us. Is it people pleasing to dress for your audience?
SPEAKER_04I do not believe it is ever people pleasing to adjust to your audience so that you can better reach them. I ever. And and let me tell you, I used to be a leader who was like this is just me. And people just have to like I'm in charge and y'all that sounds like such an asshole thing. But like as a young leader, you're moving so fast. I mean as an entrepreneur and just somebody who's trying to keep it all together, I used to say like, well people just have to figure this out. This is who I am. And now I get so mad at that version of myself because the truth is it is my job to present in a way and be a leader that people want to follow. Not oh y'all just have to figure out how to adjust to these little idiosyncrasies that are me. Right. No, that's bad. That's not true. It is not that doesn't have anything to do with manners. This is just how to be successful as a human is to consider the people you're going to be in front of and make adjustments accordingly so they can hear you, see you, and you can be impactful.
SPEAKER_01You have a tidbit over there?
SPEAKER_04No I yeah I'm just still thinking about patent mother I mean I still haven't forgotten it burned into my brain forever.
SPEAKER_01So effort is okay is what I'm hearing. Effort leads to I feel good on the inside you feel comfortable that might help me achieve feel successful deeper deepen the relationship. Yes? Yes. So now we can get back to potluck. Okay. Okay. So I look if y'all were gonna invite me anybody listening, I will come. But and you know what if it was a 40 person Friends giving totally down totally get it. Why you might say you're on sweet potato casserole and you're from the turkey. Congrats by the way so part of inviting guests over to me this is not rooted in any book or research based things but we have lost effort which makes you feel less important like as the host or hostess and your guests feel left important less important. Effort has decreased because we have everything right here so we don't have to have as much effort. So here's my pitch on potluck. So everyone clean out your earwax and I would just challenge you at your next event to try this when historically if you hosted you thought of every detail and I'm not talking like the 60s when everyone had like more money and you had someone preparing the food and cleaning up I'm talking about let's say like 90 in the 60s everyone did not have more money. That is for a different podcast okay so I have no extra help so when I host people um I want them to feel important it's not that I'm putting name cards on my plate but I don't want them to feel like they have to bring anything okay or be responsible. I am gifting them a meal and if they're like please let me do the dishes sure like I'm not gonna make someone feel bad and be like no don't touch anything. But it feels really good to show up and give this gift without being like you bring the salad you do this and you do that. That's actually more work to me to like managing all of that. I want people to come in and feel welcome and if you're not from the south I feel like northeastern people probably do this too it's like offer someone a drink when they walk in water sparkling water a mocktail a cocktail a beer like be prepared being prepared helps people feel important and gets them into deeper relationship with you.
Dress Codes, Boundaries, Agency
SPEAKER_04Okay for the people who just heard you say that and now they're like bitch yes because I think we've just covered two things that I actually think we split our audience there's probably some people who are like we don't believe in dress codes and we're happy that our kids don't have dress codes and whatever and we just button it up like thank you for agreeing with us. And then this one because here's what I will tell you. Yeah I will tell you that well that sounds great and listen I just hosted a little dinner party last night I got to meet a young lady that one of my friends is dating and put my stamp of approval on her which I love. And of course I handle everything. It's my favorite thing to serve people I literally have a monthly goal of how many people I want to feed at my table every every month because it is the way that I feel like it's like a generosity thing. I want to give to people come to where people are mad at me for saying it. They're mad at you because you just put a huge financial burden on a group of people that maybe can't do it. So when you say oh no come in and you should have everything but maybe there's a group of people that are like well I do a potluck every Sunday and it's really cool because we pick a theme and like we're all doing it's a Fiesta theme. So everybody's ringing a corn dip and a whatever I think that while I love what you're saying, I'm imagining myself in my 20s I couldn't have done that. I couldn't do what I'm doing now.
SPEAKER_01You're right. So I knew bringing some of this stuff up not everyone was going to agree with me. And I'm not looking for agreement. I'm looking to like challenge what has become normal and lessened relationship. And when I say relationship I don't mean you have to have a bond with everyone you serve an enchilada at your house. So I will say this I hosted 10 women at the lake for book club. There was no way I could feed people financially three to five meals my brain capacity didn't have it. So I did split that up I'm not saying if you have everyone to your house you're in charge of going to Costco and spending a thousand dollars to feed them. Okay good that's what I wanted to I thought that's what you were saying. I had two people to dinner and I provided them dinner. That was it two okay when I have 10 plus for four meals it's I can't do it. Well we even did this at the retreat that we hosted last year.
SPEAKER_04Everybody paid a certain amount and that covered your meals that allowed us to like cater it or bring in a chef one night.
SPEAKER_01100% so I guess I'm saying and I God if my friends are listening they're like well she's not coming to Friendsgiving next year. I'm not saying never host a potwalk I do question the cleanliness of other people sometimes and if they wash their hands but that's like the personal thing. My challenge to people listening is have you become apathetic in some of these have you taken the easy way out that might have not made you feel super good or super connected and I really believe more effort yields more reward in these situations. And I know I sound like I'm only talking about a dinner party but I'm not yeah I would say this I think that there's an alternative to just like because I bet a lot of people just stop listening.
SPEAKER_04They're like I cannot host 12 people and pay for everything I I would have in my early 20s been like that's hilarious and I can't do it or hell even some I they are actually but this is what I would say I would say alternatively here's a couple of things that if you are hosting the potluck and we are trying to get back to connection what does it look like to put a basket at the front and say put your phone in this we're gonna just connect so when we think about the things that I'm not going to that party you wouldn't you wouldn't put your phone down to hang out yeah I mean I I will not like scroll on it. But I mean I want to you probably have the self-control to not do that but a lot of people everything feels like a moment to capture and so if you remove that I hosted a group of influencers um that we worked with through my company on a retreat last year, year before I think it was two years ago. And one of the things that I realized is most people when they're inviting an influencer somewhere um it's their job to capture everything. And so I asked them to not use their phone at all and that this was absolutely just about us taking care of them. And so everything we did was just about loving on them. We brought in a great chef and I was like take no pictures don't do I bet they had the itch I actually think it they they forged some really strong friendships amongst people who didn't know each other and it was really cool. And it wasn't like a social experiment it was these are people working these were people working really hard to help us grow some brands that we had and we wanted to just like love on them and say hey thank you for what you're doing and I think that you know that's a really easy like I'm an influencer but like these people are actually helping launch brands they're helping sell things and those are thrive helping other businesses thrive. So what are some other alternatives that if people cannot host the dinner party and do whatever just an example of effort.
SPEAKER_01I'll tell you handwrite a thank you note.
SPEAKER_00Yes handwrite a thank you note yes my handwriting's so bad even signing like a guest book I feel like oh I can't do it like if it's just my name that's fine. Let me tell you but if I have to write a little note in there I'm like oh jeez.
SPEAKER_04So anybody who hears this I will just tell you a note card with one sentence from Will Lockamy would mean more than anything that just literally said hey thanks for being you will if somebody got that from you they would pass out.
SPEAKER_00So what if I type it print it and sign it like for a school excuse for the like you're the president of the United States. No because my handwriting such chicken scratch so I'll like type it print it out and then whoop thumb a signature.
SPEAKER_01If you truly have a handwriting deficit I do look into the camera.
SPEAKER_00Yeah it's the truth.
Effort Over Easy: Hosting Philosophy
SPEAKER_01If you truly have thank you for being here today if you truly have a handwriting deficit perhaps you could type your note but let me tell you two reasons and let me give you the psychology behind it because part of what I haven't made a good parallel of today is everything I'm trying to tell you is backed in psychology. I mean not if you host versus Pog. That was just like my bitchy opinion but everything else is rooted in something we know from either cognitive behavioral therapy, DBT, um positive psychology, I'm not just pulling all this out of my ass. So if I hope the girlfriend's mom isn't listening, I've just been flinging a trash mouth today. So if you hear anything today when you handwrite a thank you note we know that like brain to hand to paper is very relieving in a lot of ways. Well it also moves things from one side of the brain to the other. Yeah so it it feels good to me. So I'm in practice of gratitude which we know is like dopamine serotonin boost. We love that. When someone receives it a handwritten thank you note like when and I'm not trying to get kudos we've just talked about before I gifted Laura a tree and wrote something and like it meant something to her that I it was not a it was tearful.
SPEAKER_04I mean it literally made me emotional and she got me this like beautiful little uh vase with like flowers that'll never die but like it's precious and it sits in my and I planted that tree that's gonna be transferred to my yard once it's like big enough like it's in a pot.
SPEAKER_01So when I slow down and I'm intentional we felt good. So not all of this is just like altruism like I just need everyone to feel good. It feels good to me too. So this year at Christmas time I started writing thank you notes because I was just getting more and more stuff. Every person I wrote a note to called or texted and said how much that made their day better. So it was a gift to me. It was a gift to whomever is getting that thank you note and then I hope they get to pass that on. So big one to me if you're like I want to try something I would start with the thank you note. And then the second thing that I would try that I hope people have heard is and I've said this before we swung too far and named it vulnerability by being completely unfiltered. That was how I started this episode if I'm in disagreement with someone I don't have to cut them off. I don't have to preach my point and I don't even mean behind a keyboard on Facebook or Instagram or TikTok. I mean I I can still have lunch with somebody that disagrees with me. That is mindfulness that is being grounded that is having a distress tolerance for something well it also is increasing your capacity which we talk about a lot when you can navigate your parents who believe something totally different than you and you can say I can show up and be kind for three hours during this dinner.
SPEAKER_04I can listen to things I disagree with and not need to argue my point but I can tell them I'm glad to see them when I get there and that I love them and thank you for dinner and leave and not have a huge debate at dinner that's powerful and it will it will change you in your brain like doesn't it rewire our brains to sit in discomfort and make it through all of this resiliency.
SPEAKER_01Let's go all of this does and I think I'm trying to make it fun and interesting with like the idea of etiquette and manners. I just think that's a really simple way to start but it has so much more depth like if I can slow down and quiet I can tolerate traffic better. I can tolerate my kid having a really hard time better. We have to start somewhere that's how I shift the brain that's neuroplasticity.
SPEAKER_04I would also say that if you're listening and you're out the outside the South and we have a fair amount of people in California and New York and some other places that listen I would tell you that you do not have to subscribe to thinking you need to make your children say yes ma'am or no ma'am or sir or whatever. And there's a lot of reasons for that because honestly just misgendering someone can be really hurtful too but I would tell you that thank you no thank you. I appreciate this looking people in the eye like having a conversation with a girl at the checkout line those are manners. The manners that I'm thinking of that we can practice and I don't care where you are in the world that will never go out of style making everybody feel like a somebody which is how we have eye contact with them I mean it's how you make people know hey you're important and I see you today. And I think that's uh somebody who's serving your table bringing you something doing a really excellent job writing a little note on the receipt like who you killed it today.
SPEAKER_01You made our day better like that's manners. Well I wouldn't personally do that but I do love that and I bet they loved that I would do that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah I've worked in the service industry for like 15 years. Oh yeah people sweet.
SPEAKER_04What have you even thought to do I mean again like I think that it's the little things and the nuances of what does a manner really mean to you and your family. How you establish that with within the confines of your home it might not look like it did when we were kids I don't think it does now but I still think manners are cool and we should be talking about you're right this is a campaign I'm gonna be launching onto billboards. Manners are cool and Claire's face is going to be up there no potlucks but I will say if you've heard this and it's like this southern rhetoric or whatever I don't think that's what it is.
SPEAKER_01I agree. Thank you. Yeah and you know what teaching your kids to set a table is not old school it it my kids act like their limbs don't work anymore when I'm like hey can you set the table? And so if you're a parent and you're like I I get it my kids like fall on the floor and they're like are you kidding me? This is my new thing. I'll say okay how many minutes do you think it would take you to put silverware in a napkin on the table and usually they're like 40 seconds and I'm like great let me see it in 40 seconds and they're like okay I think it is if I say connecting again I'm gonna get slapped in the face connecting they slow down they're help being helpful being of service for 40 seconds and like you should know how to set a table.
SPEAKER_04I actually drink on the right I do agree I do agree.
SPEAKER_00Where does the oyster fork go?
Potlucks, Budget, And Connection
SPEAKER_01Well it depends a couple places but you could put it in order on the left um some people put it on right at the top yeah okay this is to the far right wow I'm just let me see Emily posts etiquette oh she's my girl her book's in my car right now Claire is jazzed about etiquette and manners just as you know you need to know this isn't the first the last time you're gonna hear about this. This is the first of many and I want people to know I don't have a big house it's tiny um my silver is very tarnished and and we cuss like sour. And I can still I still host dinner. I did get out my this is funny. When I did host last week I realized and I'm I had I called my mom I guess it's because I have kids I did not have four water glasses that matched like I have 50 cups but they're all different shapes and sizes and I'm like I'm obsessing over etiquette and manners and I don't have four water glasses so I had to dig into the high cabinets and get out crystal to drink out of but use like my regular plates and I was on the phone with stuff and I'm like this is trash. This is trash but then when the woman that was leaving left my house she was like you really thought of everything thank you so much and I was like thank you actually for saying that and it's from Miss Emily Post just says at FYI you can use mismatched uh glasses when you have me ever because yeah I would never I just like hanging out with you I would never I've never been to Claire's house where she hasn't said do you want something to drink?
SPEAKER_04Would you like some hot tea? Are you do you need a snack? And I'm the same way. Like it's just like what do you need to be comfortable but um people love when you take care of them. I do think that when they come to your home to be kind.
SPEAKER_01It feels good to you too. I know we're just rambling but I you know see you next episode I'm just kidding we have a break in between my etiquette lessons but I'll see you guys again.
SPEAKER_03Yes ma'am thank you before you cut bangs is hosted by Lara Quick and Claire Fearman and produced by Will Lockman follow along with us everywhere please subscribe to the podcast find us on Instagram we're constantly doing polls we want to know what you think and I know that you probably know this but reviewing us and giving us five stars matters more than anything and we are so grateful to have you here.
SPEAKER_01We talk so much on the podcast about seeking therapy getting help finding resources I would love to be able to help you with that. My website is up and running and beautiful it is goodgrowth withclair.com so whether you're in the state of Alabama or not I want to be able to help direct you to the right resources goodgrowthwithclare.com
