3.12 The Irish Goodbye To Bad Friends

The fastest way to rethink your friendships is to stop measuring them by how close you are and start measuring them by how safe they are. In this episode, we go deeper into how to spot the difference between healthy and unhealthy friendships—especially as you grow, heal, or enter a new season. We define what “healthy” actually looks like: consistent reciprocity, real curiosity, and trust that holds even when you don’t talk for a while. We also explore how friendships with different kinds of people can push your growth, and how long-term relationships can evolve without blowing up.

Then we call out the red flags: one-sided venting, constant reassurance, transactional dynamics, and that quiet dread when their name pops up on your phone. We dig into rumination, boundaries, and how overgiving to low-equity relationships drains the ones that matter most. Finally, we lay out what to do next—how to set boundaries, when to pull back, and when it’s okay to quietly let a friendship go.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:01

Welcome to Before You Cut Bangs.

SPEAKER_04 0:02

I'm Laura Quick. I'm a professional storyteller and I'm writing my first book. And I'm Claire Fearman. I'm a therapist, but not your therapist. Full disclaimer: take what you like, leave the rest.

SPEAKER_03 0:17

Thank you for being a friend. Back her up.

SPEAKER_00 0:23

I yeah, I don't um rem I don't remember all the words. Amanda.

SPEAKER_03 0:26

Thank you for being that part. That's probably good. Thanks. You're welcome. We did a friendship episode about friendship breakups and it went viral. It is our top listened to, never been downloaded more than anything else. We did on like a whim. Totally. And honestly, I think that what we know is that both of us have probably evolved our belief systems around friendships. Um, but today we're gonna talk about how do you know if you're in a healthy friendship versus an unhealthy friendship? And what does it look like to have maybe capacity-stretching crucial conversations with people that you've tiptoed into unhealth with.

SPEAKER_02 1:10

So this is an episode where Will Achami is gonna be like, what?

SPEAKER_01 1:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:15

How? When? Why would that ever happen? I've been friends with the same people since I was born.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

I honestly, when I read over like the description of this episode and what we're gonna talk about, is just like nope. Mm-mm. Nope.

SPEAKER_04 1:27

Like, nope, it hasn't happened, or you don't understand.

SPEAKER_00 1:30

No, I'm just kidding. But I mean, definitely it's just not my, yeah. I don't know. And it's I think it's more of a guy thing. For sure.

SPEAKER_03 1:36

But 100%.

SPEAKER_00 1:37

Yeah, but like the whole going and having like deep talks and stuff. This isn't no, that's not happening.

unknown 1:44

Going and having deep talks.

SPEAKER_04 1:48

What do y'all do all the time? What are y'all talking about?

SPEAKER_03 1:50

What do you mean you talked about that?

Outgrowing Old Friend Groups

SPEAKER_04 1:53

Yeah. You know, the scene in Why Can't I Think of the Show, not Parks and Rec, not even close, Zoe Dishanel show. Um she's like, you don't go around having like the feelings all day, thinking about feelings all day. He's like, no. And she's like, What? I was like, Yeah, that. Okay, so same with friendships and men and women.

SPEAKER_03 2:16

Yeah, so I think that what prompted this was we thought it was time to circle back. And also we're kind of stepping into spring. I feel like I had a really interesting conversation recently with a young woman who's just hit like 30, 31. Um, and it reminded me when she was talking, and she because I always ask people, tell me about your best friends. Like when I'm getting to know them, like, how long have y'all been friends? It tells me a lot about where you are in your life. Like, if I was to ask Will that, and he would say, Well, Nick and I've been friends for 700 years. 1984. The moment we were born, actually. Um, you know, I would know that Will is a loyal, long-term committing this shit, make it through every season, divorce, marriage, remarriage, buying houses, building decks. I would know that about you if I just asked you a little bit about your friendship. You can tell a lot about a person based on the length of their friendships, their best friendships, and what they say about their best friends when they're not in the room. And so I like to ask that question. And what this young woman was telling me is that she's going through a ton of transition in her life. She's been kind of on a healing journey, she started therapy, and she's finding that she doesn't fit well with the friend group that she's had since high school and college. And so I totally resonate with that because I had some amazing people in my life that I loved when I lived in Savannah, and I still talk to some of them. I have a girlfriend who lives in North Carolina now who knew me when I was a mess, a complete mess. You know, she's the first girl that she convinced me. Well, I remember going, like, God, your boobs are so perfect. She was like, I go to them. They're fake. And I was like, they're fake? You know, I just didn't grow up really knowing anyone that had fake boobs.

SPEAKER_00 4:15

I thought you said boots.

SPEAKER_03 4:16

Oh, with the fur.

SPEAKER_00 4:17

What's a big deal? No. Fake leather. It's a little pleasant.

SPEAKER_04 4:20

Boobs uh what was the material from the last episode?

SPEAKER_00 4:24

I Googled because I didn't I've heard of patent leather. I didn't know what it was. I was like, what is that exactly? And then I was like, oh, okay.

SPEAKER_03 4:30

And now you'll be served ads for patent leather, everything. You're welcome.

SPEAKER_00 4:33

Think of that patent leather. I would I called it something else in my head. Uh what?

SPEAKER_03 4:37

What's what's it shiny leather? Yeah, shiny, but not leather.

SPEAKER_00 4:40

It's uh shiny, whatever.

SPEAKER_03 4:42

Okay. So, anyways, this girl's telling me that. And what I realize about myself is as I have grown and gone on my own healing journey, I have definitely had people outgrow me, and I have outgrown people. And that does not, that's not a bad thing. Sometimes that's just a season of life. You might be in little kid season, and I don't have a little kid, and your life looks totally different than mine. And that does not mean we don't like each other or we broke up or something dramatic happened. It just means we drifted apart because our lives look so different. The same thing I think can be true as the people who knew me when I was really unhealthy and thought that that version of me was like funny and really fun and amazing didn't love so much when I started like getting better, honestly. And so a lot of those friendships didn't necessarily make it, but some of them did. And those people, two I have two friends specifically from Savannah that I still talk to regularly. Well, yeah, one lives in North Carolina, one still lives in Savannah. Um, that it's been really cool because we've we've got to see. Now we're not as close because of proximity, but I think that out growing a friendship or a friendship evolving is different than a friendship breakup. But I also think friendships that used to be really healthy can get unhealthy too.

What Healthy Friendship Looks Like

SPEAKER_04 6:09

Well, how would you define healthy versus unhealthy?

SPEAKER_03 6:12

Well, I think healthy means I'm asking Will.

SPEAKER_04 6:16

I'm totally kidding.

SPEAKER_03 6:19

Okay. I think that a healthy friendship is reciprocal. Um, not meaning equal, because I think depending on when when my life was blowing up, I couldn't be the same level friend to Claire that I had been in previous season seasons. Um reciprocal means we both know that we're bringing value to the table. Um naturally.

SPEAKER_00 6:43

Like not having to force it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:47

Um, I think healthy friendship is um curious. I think healthy friendship is I know you enough to call you out on your shit. Like I'm I have studied your life enough and asked you enough questions about what matters to you that when I see you living alternatively, that I'm gonna be like, hey, what the fuck are you doing? Like, what is this? Um, I think that's healthy friendship. I think healthy friendship so reciprocal. Um, we know each other enough to call each other out and call each other up. Um, I think that we're equally yoked. We don't have to see things the same way, right? But that we are moving in a similar direction in our life. And that doesn't mean we have to be politically aligned. It doesn't mean our careers have to look the same way. Um, but those are things that I would say sometimes that does help. I think your closest friendships, a lot of times you do see the world the same way. Um, but that's my idea of healthy. What's your idea of healthy?

SPEAKER_04 7:50

I would say for sure, similar. And I'm of course picturing my strongest friendships, which would be you and Amanda, who's my neighbor, and I talk about her all the time. We function very differently in life. I would say we're polar opposites, truly.

SPEAKER_03 8:12

Except for fashion.

SPEAKER_04 8:14

Well, we are the same size and have the same taste. So we just rotate closets. She was at my house the other day switching out our skirt collection. It's a true dream. Um, but she has You're talking about you and Amanda are polar opposites. In personality and traits and how we function, how we communicate. Yes. Um, and I had a really hard question ages ago, and it was two friends, Amanda and another one at the table. And I was like, how would y'all handle this? And they gave one was more of a feeler, and Amanda's like logical eight on the Enneagram, like done. And I was like, I'm gonna sit with both of those and see what feels truest to me. Uh-huh. Um, so I think functioning in opposition is an opportunity for growth. And probably 20 years ago, I wouldn't have known that I could be best friends with somebody that was opposite of me. I need I think in your 20s, when you're developing, you're looking for likeness. Oh, yeah, mirror. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 9:14

I want to see myself in you. I want you to see yourself in me.

SPEAKER_04 9:17

It's not a challenge. And it's fun and it's easy, and that should be like a fun track track.

SPEAKER_03 9:23

And you like do everything with your best friends in your 20s. Everything. Like we're traveling, we're going to the same bars, we're wearing the bathroom, same clothes. Literally. We are talking on the phone while we're in the bathtub, bath like all the things. Yes.

SPEAKER_04 9:37

Yeah. Um, and I think that there is growth in in being close with people in opposition to you. And then I think that there is something to be said for ease. What Will said, um, you and I are in different phases. I have two little kids. We don't see each other every day, but I don't doubt the closeness. That's what I want. I want safety, whether we're talking every that's what I look for. I want to look at for safety if we're talking every day, once a month, or or whatever. To my two best friends don't even live, two other best friends don't even live in the state of Alabama. Um, but I don't doubt safety and closeness. And I know that because I don't get um, are you mad at me texts if we don't talk? That is disorganized attachment to me. Um, those that stresses me out. Um, I just I make the assumption of trust and safety.

SPEAKER_03 10:32

I think that's a great point about a healthy friendship is like knowing each other enough to know we can be in totally different seasons of life, but that it doesn't matter how much time goes by. My best friend who lives in North Carolina, Megan, I haven't seen Megan in years. But I know that if I called her and was like, I need to bury a body, she'd be like, I'm on the first flight out. Like, no, obviously, we're not killing anyone.

SPEAKER_00 10:57

I wonder why that's first place your brain went.

Safety Across Different Life Seasons

SPEAKER_03 10:59

I'm just saying she's kind of a gangster. But like, you can't replace that type of history, but safety can come from exactly what you're talking about. This ability to like, I know you. And it it's never same thing with Shelly. You and Shelly are very similar in that. You're very good mothers. So you're very involved in your children's lives. And I know that the priority right now is to take care of your kids and be there for them. You want them to know my mom cares and she shows up for me. So when you're like the kids have something, I don't ever try to talk you out of that. I'm like, no problem. Let me know if I can come. I'll try to be whatever. But like more than anything, you and I have a friendship and then you have mom life, and I respect that and know that. But if you call me and need me, I'm gonna be there. So healthy friendship, I think, also looks like that. I agree with the opposition thing. I think that it is so good to find people that are different than you and have a different set of skills that you have and learn from them. Like I always say I could categorically tell you, like each of my like, and I don't have a ton of best friends, I would say it's a tight, small circle. But I they are way different. Like their strengths are not my strengths. And I love that because I kind of know which person I need to talk to if I really want them to get like amped with me, versus I need somebody to calm me down. I know who to call. It's normally Claire. And she's gonna be like, Do you want feedback? Or are you just asking me to listen? And I love that. And then, you know, I can call Jess and she'll be like, What are we gonna do? We're blowing some shit up. We egg in somebody's car. We've never egged anybody's car or blown anything up, but I know she would be down to do it. And I think that there is in Shelly the same thing. Shelly's like, Do you need to come over? I'll get the guest house prepared. Um, what's an unhealthy friendship?

SPEAKER_04 12:51

I was as you were talking, I knew that was coming. Um, I feel very fortunate that I haven't had those instances in a really long time, but I do know it happens, so I can't just I can think of one particular story where I know for sure you were on a on an adventure with an unhealthy friend on a trip.

SPEAKER_03 13:11

Maybe. I'm just kidding. It was me. I was her.

unknown 13:16

Just kidding.

SPEAKER_04 13:17

I've got that. Okay. This is this is this is what I can say. And I'll try to speak for me and experiences I've heard from other people. If I um I'm not gonna share my whole self all the time, even in close friendships. I am learning later in my 30s that privacy, as I said and two episodes ago when my face was peeling off, that uh privacy is a virtue for me as I continue to like stabilize and ground in who I am. So I don't owe anybody anything. And if I get into use car salesman mode, it is likely an unhealthy friendship. It's probably because of me. What is my discomfort for this person? Are they super judgy? Do I want them to like me? Like some of it doesn't have to do with the other person. It might be on my own stabilization. Does that make sense? Yes. How safe I feel in me might not have anything to do with you, whether I'm intimidated or I don't know you super well.

SPEAKER_03 14:17

Or even like somebody's crossing a boundary that you haven't named yet. Yes. Yes. That that I think a lot of times when I feel myself like, what is this? It's because there's a boundary that's being crossed that I haven't put up that I'm not, I'm not aware enough. So like going back to like what is a boundary, it is, am I okay? And if I'm not okay, what do I need to be okay? So like if someone's bringing this like super activated version of me out, whether I'm going to use car salesmen or or even if I'm avoiding them, like I'm like, which is feels like the worst. And when the if somebody texts you and you go, I need you to know that is not, you're not in a good place with that person.

SPEAKER_04 14:56

If that is not the truth, um, I find unhealthy friendships will go along with your bullshit. Um, unhealthy friendships, and this hate to say it because it means the other person is hurt. If they need constant reassurance that you like them and that y'all are okay, that doesn't work for me. What are you shaking your hands?

SPEAKER_00 15:17

Yeah, I'm saying it I'm agreeing with you. And that, yeah, that is that happens once. If they need that, if they ask for that assurance, that's the only their last time opportunity they're gonna have to do that.

Red Flags And Unhealthy Patterns

SPEAKER_03 15:28

I will say another thing, piggybacking, and I could tell you ways Claire has showed up for me in the healthiest of these things. But Shelly said something to me years ago that has stuck with me, and she was like, Why do you find yourself in these situations with assholes? And we did a whole episode about assholes, but which is funny, by the way, in case you haven't listened to it, go back and check it out. But that idea that you know it isn't reciprocal if someone is always asking you for something, if you are the person who is constantly fulfilling needs, and a relationship is I'm not saying someone can't go through a bad season and need more from you than they're able to show up and give. That is relationship. That is normal, it is seasonal. However, if you look at a relationship that you have and you are like, all this person does is call in, phone in the favors to me, and ask me to do this and ask me to do that, and they never ask me a question about me or how I am. That is a not reciprocal relationship, and you need to evaluate it, is not healthy.

SPEAKER_04 16:36

And not only tangible things of like, can you do this? I need this, it is can just be verbal and emotional, of like if they're constantly venting, ranting, raving, and there's no underlying connection of like what's going on for you. Can you hold this right now? Any of that? Before I dump on anybody, because I will I have you and Amanda that I will phone a friend and word vomit to. I hope and I think I do this. I will say, can you do you have room for this right now? Because like I'm about to unload. And then I'll say, just listen or tell me what to do. Like, I'll ask. So Amanda and I show up differently in this. I was having a really hard time, maybe like a month ago. I got to my house and I don't have a key to it, so surprise.

SPEAKER_03 17:22

But um yes, this is the first house I've ever had a key to.

SPEAKER_04 17:27

And it's only because there's dead bolts and they they just have to have so Amanda had put flowers in almost every room, like had like not giant bouquets, like she'd put little flowers in the bathroom and little flowers by my bed. And I don't think like that. Um, I will probably buy you dinner or show up at your house or write a hand. Thank you note, take your nail color. Um, but I don't think like that. That's how she thinks. And my like old self, at first, I was like, this is too much. What do I owe her? That has nothing to do with her. That's my old thinking. And instead, I just called her. I was like, that was so lovely. What a treat. Thank you. So you don't also have to do equal. Like I was in a bad spot, she was in a good spot. So you just kind of function in that and then it'll flip.

SPEAKER_03 18:21

Equal and reciprocal are not the same things. Say more about that. Okay, so a healthy friendship does not mean it is equal, it means it's reciprocal. Reciprocal means that you are seasonally moving through life and you are aware of each other enough to know. I know Claire is in cheerleading and homecoming and play life and I wasn't personally in homecoming.

SPEAKER_04 18:47

Oh, God, I wish I could have been. But she thought about it and she thought it's but I know that about her.

SPEAKER_03 18:54

And so my expectations of what of we're not equal. So if she called me and is like, hey, can you do this like right now? Chances are, unless I have something crazy going on, the answer would be yes, I could figure it out. Pick up my kids. I could pick up your kids, I could do a but like, hey, can you run across town and grab this thing for me? Chances are I could make that happen for you. It would be me saying, Well, she has to equally be able to drop everything and do that same thing for me if we were equal. I can't. She can't. We're not in that season. But reciprocal means that Claire can emotionally show up for me in a way, and I know that we are blocking off time. 100%. Or show up or literally handwritten notes from Claire are the best. It really is a fantastic thing. So I'll say that reciprocal and equal are not the same. On the unhealthy side, here's something I will tell you too. I cannot do rumination. I cannot live in a I want to repeat the same story. I'm gonna bitch about the same thing. I I can't do it. And I will eventually get to a tipping point where I am, I will let you say the things, but I will be like, we can't stay here. And so either you got to find a different friend to talk about this same subject for the next 400 times you want to talk about it, or we gotta move on. We gotta like figure out a way because you're talking about the same problem over and over again. That's an unhealthy dynamic for me. I can't stay there with people. If you're doing that in therapy and your therapist has not course corrected, you need to find a different therapist. Find a different therapist. And if you have friends that let you do that, talk about the exact same thing over and over and over again. I would can I would consider that's not a necessarily healthy friendship. I would consider it's internal. What do you mean? Internal.

Reciprocal Not Equal Support

SPEAKER_04 20:53

I'm I'm thinking like um for me, I will overly verbally process to try to land, and I'm not ready to land yet. Um, and so it's like safety seeking for me. It's not the same as when I call 10 people to get the answer I want. It's like I'm so unsettled, so I'm gonna like over-verbalize, over-verbalize, and like hence my word of privacy too. Um sometimes it might not be about the other person. Like, I know in the past two years, I've probably said the same thing 250 times to Amanda, and her tolerance of me has been a gift, but then I had to go back to therapy, and to my therapist, I'm like, I can't stop talking about this thing, but I think it's something else. Help me get to the something else, and we got to the something else. Does that make sense? Like, I actually needed someone to sit with me in my garbage until I had the light bulb of like, oh wait.

SPEAKER_03 21:54

And and again, I'm not saying you're in an unhealthy, I would tell you that would be unhealthy for me. If I had Friend who let me ruminate on the same thing without being like, Hey, you need to sort this out in therapy. It is coming up every freaking time we talk. Or I'm with me. So maybe it is you might need those people who can sit with you in it. Okay, tell me this. If we have listeners right now who they just checked a box on a relationship that they have on all those things we just said are unhealthy, what is different now? What would you say is different now than when we did the friendship breakup? So, like, I think when we talked about breaking up with friends, we talked about the awkwardness of having that conversation or how you just like ghost them. There's tons of ways. But what is your take on that now? So you find yourself in this unhealthy place with a friend, long-term friend, short-term friend, it doesn't matter. What advice are you giving them if they come, they're sitting in front of you and they're like, What should I do? What are we telling them to break up with them? What are we saying? What's different about friendship breakups versus this? What are we saying?

Rumination Privacy And Emotional Drain

SPEAKER_04 23:00

So I think I'm sticking by my tier one, two, and three definitions that I did in the friendship episode. Tier one and two, for sure, if like you're in an unhealthy dynamic or something doesn't feel right, it is a gift to have that conversation with that person. It will deepen the friendship. If peripherally I have like a newer friend or I'm in this group that doesn't feel good. So maybe the 30-something year old you were talking to and she's like kind of outgrowing. I don't think a big statement has to be made anymore. I don't think I have to disclose. It goes back to the etiquette, the manners. Like I being brutally honest, I don't think proves anything or like empowers me to be this like strong woman anymore. I actually think you can like politely slip away. It's like, when is the Irish goodbye okay?

SPEAKER_00 23:58

I think this was my take the the first time around.

SPEAKER_02 24:00

Yeah, you are like, I'm the same actually.

SPEAKER_00 24:02

Yeah, no, I haven't changed, but that was my take the first time around. Irish goodbye.

SPEAKER_02 24:06

Say more.

SPEAKER_00 24:07

Well, just uh if I'm feeling this like, oh gosh, I don't want to be friends, I don't have to tell them that. I just don't hang out with them anymore.

SPEAKER_03 24:16

Y'all, I'm I'm coming around to it. And here's what I would say I think that I'm with Claire. If this person is a tier one or tier two and has been in your life for a really long time and you have found yourself in an unhealthy pattern with them, it is probably an invitation to practice boundaries. The question is not um, I had my therapist tell me, hey, that person is not different. You are. So now how do you make adjustments? So chances are if you find yourself, unless a big life thing has happened, your tolerance has changed. So that typically means you have changed, you have evolved. So in that evolution, if you have a tier one or tier two friend, it might be worth practicing a different boundary. Maybe it's consumption, maybe your consumption is too high. Um, and that goes back to the healthy thing. Remember, I did say this in the first one. I'm gonna say it again, it's worth repeating. You're the sum of the five people you're spending the most time with. It is without exception true. Whatever you are consuming in people, in content, and whatever, you're becoming like those things. So the same thing goes for if you are in an unhealthy dynamic over and over and over and your exposure is really high, then guess what? You're gonna eventually succumb to that. You're gonna become more like these things. So I think tier one, tier two, it's an invitation to practice a boundary. And boundaries do not always need to be communicated to the person you're practicing with, right? We don't have to tell them, like, I need a I need to shore up this boundary with you. Like that's can be harsh and unnecessary. If it is a tier three and you're in unhealthy dynamic, I think we can Irish goodbye. Look at us, look at those profound growth. Irish goodbye. I think we can just, I'm not saying block them. I'm not saying any of that. I think a slow fade is totally okay.

SPEAKER_00 26:14

Tier smear for me. I didn't matter what tier you're on. Uh yeah, it's the Irish. I'm not having the talk. It's Irish goodbye every time.

SPEAKER_03 26:21

That's surprising well. That's your un you're unwilling to have a talk. What? Sure. I'm kidding. I know.

SPEAKER_04 26:30

Dawg.

SPEAKER_01 26:31

Heck yeah.

SPEAKER_04 26:32

I have two more things. Okay. Let's hear it. If your relationships are based in gossip and negativity, it's not a tier one relationship. It is pseudo-bonding. We feel good when we talk. I say good very loosely here. We get an adrenaline hit talking shit. Yeah. And if you don't go deeper than that, that is not a tier one friendship. And if you're starting to feel gross about that, I would just politely shift conversations. That takes a lot of bravery to be like, I don't feel like she's not here to defend herself. I don't feel good about this because then it's like it feels teenagery, like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna be the loser in the group that's not gonna smoke the cigarette. I would have smoked the cigarette.

SPEAKER_03 27:13

But I would have not smoked the cigarette and been the loser.

SPEAKER_04 27:16

But you see what I'm you're smelling when I'm stepping in here. So um I think pseudo-bonding, I've said it before, it's really important because that is not a true bond. It is like a surface level, easy way to connect with somebody.

SPEAKER_03 27:29

And so that would fit in, and that would fit in the unhealthy category. That's right. That is where you find yourself. If that's the only conversation that's coming up is talking shit, it's you're they're not in your tier one or tier two.

Boundaries Conversations And The Irish Goodbye

SPEAKER_04 27:40

And like if you have, I do think some people's minds are more prone to the negative. I don't have a lot of friends like that. I get very exhausted by it, and it doesn't mean I don't like them or don't want to be friends with them. It's a different relationship. I I know how much time I can spend with somebody if they're like an incredibly negative person. Doesn't work super well for me. Um, and then the next thing is I don't know how relatable this will be to everyone. I know you and I do this because we will be generous with time, and we've certainly talked about that. Um I get myself into situations where I know everything about everybody and I'm not even asking for it. It just is coming to me. It could be on social media, a text, a call, walking the dog. Like I am learning You just have a face.

SPEAKER_03 28:31

You have a face for it.

SPEAKER_04 28:34

I love deep connection and I have learned that I cannot be deeply connected to everyone I come in contact with. That's a me thing. And what I'm trying to do is limit that so the people that do come to me, I can like give them all I've got. Um, I've got a face for it, and I will deeply look into your eyes, sigh empathetically with you, and it's all real. And to be all that, my I mean, my piggy bank gets empty emotionally.

SPEAKER_03 29:06

Well, and I think protecting that for the people that are the closest to you. Like I I know that as I look back at my life in my 20s, the big epiphany I had is that I gave away the best parts of me to people that I had the least relationship, release relational equity with. And then I would give the little bit of leftovers to Clay. Yeah. And I am still processing the grief that I have over not giving my son my very best and giving the world the rest of what I had. And I would tell you that if you find yourself doing that too and feeling weird about it or icky, that's also unhealthy gunning.

SPEAKER_04 29:43

I think we're making an important shift. Like the first part of this episode, we're making it about these other people that are the energy vampires or kind of shitty. It's not always about the other person. It's what's going on with me. And it's not just about capacity. Where have I shown up as a shitty friend too? Have I given too much when I didn't have it? Have I bought into gossip? Have I bought into the negativity just because it was more comfortable to be in there? Did I host a shitty potluck, you know, where I was like, bring some corn. I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_00 30:13

I'm just gonna want corn, I'm sure it's something.

SPEAKER_03 30:15

You know that I definitely have never hosted a potluck. This is bringing corn.

SPEAKER_04 30:21

A corn dip. A corn dip? Yeah. See. And you know what? I'm glad we're bringing this up again.

SPEAKER_01 30:28

Oh boy.

SPEAKER_04 30:29

I do love a dip. You know, I love a dip. And um I I just if my book club people are listening, I love y'all's dips. Just don't stop with the dips. And I'm sure you wash your hands before. And and and I'm not gonna retract my potluck statement, but I will try to be more flexible with that.

SPEAKER_03 30:45

Okay, okay, okay. Listen, if you find yourself, one, write a note to your tier one friends who are showing up for you, who fit in that healthy category. If you have people in your life who are really doing it, not Will Alchemy, Will is not writing.

SPEAKER_00 31:00

Yeah, I mean, if I did that one, my friends, they would think you're dying. They would think you were dying.

SPEAKER_03 31:04

Literally. They'd be like, do are you okay?

SPEAKER_00 31:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:08

Okay, for the rest of us, if if that doesn't feel too crazy, seriously, it means a lot. Take care and be thankful. If you can't write the note, send a thank, send a thank you text. Thank you for being my friend. I think the older we get, the more valuable it is to know that you have those tier one friends that you can lean on. Specifically, I feel like you and I have learned so much about how important it is to just have one or two or three if you're really, really lucky. If you have unhealthy dynamics that you are in, don't worry about them. Worry about you. That is the big thing that I would tell you is that there doesn't have to be some big ass dramatic thing that you do. If you're in an unhealthy dynamic, it is an invitation to take care of yourself. And how you do that doesn't have to be weird. It doesn't have to be cringe, you don't have to have a big ass conversation. Right. Hey, this isn't working for me. I'm gonna limit my intake. Hey, I'm gonna I'm gonna Irish goodbye out of this mother, you know?

SPEAKER_04 32:09

Do we have like two minutes? I can't with group texts anymore. They're tiring me.

SPEAKER_00 32:14

Oh god, yeah. No, I I'm not not doing group text. And I'm in a couple. I'm in two minutes. But boy, I just don't.

SPEAKER_03 32:20

Well, you know, you can you can silence them where they you can literally just turn off notifications.

Gossip Pseudo Bonding And Negativity

SPEAKER_04 32:26

You don't mind seeing the red numbers on your phone or need to see them. It doesn't matter. See, I mine's I have to have it all cleaned up, which is probably a personal problem, but I I I think we're overcommunicating and it's too much for me. This is a separate episode. And I'm gonna leave it.

SPEAKER_03 32:44

I really think we should do we're gonna group text me leave below. Listen, this could be an etiquette episode. We could spin off the etiquette of like what is the what is the appropriate etiquette, and maybe this is coming next, of like group texting, social media. We can kind of revisit some of these things through the clear fium and takes us on a journey with manna's an etiquette.

SPEAKER_04 33:06

I have a lot more to say, so I'll leave it. Just reevaluate your friendships, and it might not just be them, it might be you. And I'm saying that from personal experience.

SPEAKER_03 33:14

Same, same. I definitely normally am the problem.

SPEAKER_00 33:18

Latex. That's what if I saw patent leather, I would think that's latex.

SPEAKER_04 33:23

You would have called them latex?

SPEAKER_00 33:24

Yeah, I told you I didn't know what that was with Pat when I was like, oh, I should Google it because I'm not sure what that is. I would have said those are latex.

SPEAKER_03 33:31

To call back, guys, in case you were wondering. Will will now be surfed ads with all things patent leather and latex latex.

SPEAKER_04 33:41

Before you cut bangs is hosted by Lara Quick and Claire Fearman and produced by Will Lockman. Follow along with us everywhere.

SPEAKER_03 33:49

Please subscribe to the podcast. Find us on Instagram. We're constantly doing polls. We want to know what you think. And I know that you probably know this, but reviewing us and giving us five stars matters more than anything, and we are so grateful to have you here.

SPEAKER_04 34:05

We talk so much on the podcast about seeking therapy, getting help, finding resources. I would love to be able to help you with that. My website is up and running and beautiful. It is goodgrowthwithclaire.com. So whether you're in the state of Alabama or not, I want to be able to help direct you to the right resources. Goodgrowthwithclaire.com.