Before You Cut Bangs
Hosted by Laura Quick and Claire Fierman, “Before You Cut Bangs” is full of hilarious conversations about real life, common and uncommon crises, and possible cosmetic errors that come along with it. Through storytelling and therapeutic wisdom, Claire and Laura share how to NOT fuck up your hair (and life) while walking through similar situations,
Produced by Will Lochamy
Before You Cut Bangs
3.14 Dating in your 40’s (Laura is dating a therapist😬)
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One unexpected moment can rewrite everything: a hike, an honest call to a best friend, and a crush you didn’t plan on. This episode dives into dating after divorce without sugarcoating it or letting shame take the wheel. Laura Quick is pulling back the curtain on all of that.
Laura shares how a spontaneous “thirst trap” moment turned into 7.77 miles of real conversation, while Claire balances the roles of best friend and clinician as they unpack what it actually feels like to open yourself back up.
If you’re rebuilding after any kind of loss, this conversation is a reminder that you’re allowed to move forward before everything feels figured out.
Welcome And The Dating Setup
SPEAKER_01Welcome to Before You Cut Bangs. I'm Laura Quick. I'm a professional storyteller and I'm writing my first book. And I'm Claire Fearman. I'm a therapist, but not your therapist. Full disclaimer: take what you like, leave the rest. Laura's ready to rip a band-aid off, and I'm gonna be here with her because she's dating the male version of me, and nothing thrills me more. Yep. I think it's universe the universe.
SPEAKER_03You want to lower your shoulders? You seem nervous. I'm fine. I'm not nervous. I'm fine. I do think that it is the universe's way of telling me that I still have work to do, that I'm surrounded by clinicians. Clinicians, literally. I am indeed dating a therapist. Who is the male version of Claire?
SPEAKER_00I wouldn't expect anything else, right?
SPEAKER_03It really works. I think I've yeah, finally figured this out.
SPEAKER_00What's the story? I don't know what's going on here.
SPEAKER_01Okay, well, so what's funny, and I'll let obviously Lara tell her story, but um, we were at a dinner one night, and someone was like, I'll give the abbreviated version of this, but someone was like, This guy, and it was somebody's brother that it was at the table, and I was like, if I was single, I'd be all over this guy, like a runner and a therapist. And then Laurel, somewhere in her subconscious mind, was like, I'll be all over. Noted. Maybe you inspired it. Maybe I didn't know, but you inspired it. I will say our safety, I was like, this is good and true and fine. And so that your unconscious mind was like, remember this person.
SPEAKER_00The guy was there, someone was just a smaller.
SPEAKER_01No, no, no.
SPEAKER_03Someone was like, there was a there was some thirst trapping, I think that was that we were all kind of talking about.
SPEAKER_01I remember what someone was like, my brother is a therapist and a trail runner. And I it was the night before I had a race. That's what it was. And I was prepping for a race, so I couldn't stay late. And then she's like, look at this guy. I'm like, well, would you look at him? You know, that's crazy.
The Dinner Table Thirst Trap
SPEAKER_03We're all, it's just a whole table of girls, all the women that I basically love a ton. And one of the one of the girls is my one of my best friends. Her name's Jessica, and we met in a small town. So we didn't know anybody, neither one of us were from Coleman, and we became like fast friends. And it's funny because looking back at that, one of the reasons Jessica and I became friends is because I invited this group of women that I didn't know to my house for wine. And I think that people do that in passing, like, I'll have you over for wine sometime, right? When I say that, I really mean it. And I We know. Oh, and I'm like, there will be a follow-up test. Conversation cards on the table when you arrive. And I'm just kidding. Well, nothing. No, you're not. I know. I'm sorry. Um, but I followed up, and Jessica was like, in all the years that I've lived here, and she had lived there for much longer. No one's ever really followed up on something like that. I really love that about you. And so she and I became close, even though I had that whole group of women over, we stayed really close. And so she and I had been best friends for five and a half, almost six years, when this conversation at the table was happening. And backstory, she's had this brother her whole life. He's older than her, obviously. But I'd only met him twice and he didn't make eye contact or talk to me either one of those times. And might I add, that's probably good. No, totally good. It was great. Um, I remember when he became a licensed therapist, and I was like, oh my God, we were at a pool party, and I was like, therapy, that's kind of my thing. I mean, I've needed a lot of it, you're doing it now. And he was just like, I do not want to talk to you at all. And I was like, Cool, your brother seems nice, but we didn't talk. And then there's this thirst trap conversation where Claire's like, look at that guy, and everybody was kind of like, he seems so great. Well, about not too long after that, I decided to go on a hike. And I he had reached out to me about something. He does this thing that I call the morning porn, which is really just where he shows his journal entry. Um social media. On social media, he shows like what he's like learning about.
SPEAKER_01And I nothing could be hotter to Lara. Nothing than a man journaling, I think. Literally, the mo he is I'm like, I want to see some some manual labor.
SPEAKER_03And I'm like and a pickup track. I'm sorry, you are thinking intentionally about your day and writing it down and sharing it with people to make them better. So um the I'm watching the morning porn happen. I ask him about I'm starting to hike, I'm feeling kind of like I'm in the sad country music song season. I've gone on a trail run or two with Claire and obviously realize I shouldn't do that because I'm so athletic. And he named off, like, here's some trails that you should consider if you're gonna do solo because they're like high trafficked and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, great, which was probably just my way of making conversation with him, I'm sure. Um, and he was like, Hey, and if you don't feel any kind of way about it, I'm happy to join you. And I was like, Oh, and I did feel kind of a way about it. So I called Jessica on the way to this hike. And I have a rule. My rule is if I feel like I want to hide something, I always tell one of my tier one friends so that they can either say that's you don't have to tell anybody that.
SPEAKER_01Listeners, really glue that into your brain. It is one of the best ways to live. If you think you're gonna hide something, call a non-judgmental tier one who will sit with you in it and tell you the truth if you want it. Yeah. And if you don't want it, you get to say, I don't want your feedback, but I'm just gonna have to tell you this. Like, don't keep your ickys hidden inside. Tell somebody.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and I didn't know if this was an icky. Obviously, I think the I think the the big juxtaposition here was I was going through this really hard thing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I don't like I don't I'm not gonna spoil anything, but I think a lot of women can relate to it, and it doesn't have to be in relationship, but it's like, is this the right timeline? What will so and so think? Have I healed enough? Have I done X, Y, and Z to deserve this? And by the way, this is not a date in any way, like at all. For sure. So when I say icky, it wasn't about doing something bad or wrong. It was like, I felt like I wanted to hide it. Yeah, pressure in the world to like be a certain way and do things a certain way.
SPEAKER_03And so I called Jess on the way and I was like, hey, is it weird that I'm going for a hike with your brother? And she was like, Why would that be weird? My brother takes people for hikes all the time. And I was like, Okay, cool. And then I went for the hike. 7.77 miles unless that was out the gate. Out of the guy 7.7. We just never shut the fuck up. We talked the whole time. It was so great.
SPEAKER_00Time flies when you're having fun.
SPEAKER_03Time flies when you're having fun. Um, we talked and talked and talked and talked and and listened. And I mean, it was just And y'all just started dating?
SPEAKER_00That was it?
SPEAKER_03No, no, no, no. We definitely didn't just start dating. I think I called Jessica after that and was like, I can never be unsupervised with your brother again because I think I might have a crush on him. And this was weird because again, sad country music song season lasted most of last year. Oh, well, actually, at least a year and a half before the world knew it was lasting. And I think that I felt, like Claire said, really weird about like, am I allowed to feel happy? Am I allowed to feel excited to spend time with someone? Um, is this wrong? And, you know, I was divorced and it wasn't, but it sometimes we can trick ourselves into thinking, and I think I'd been in a um, I don't know, man. It's a tricky thing. Perception has been the thing that I've really struggled with the most and the thing that I've talked to Claire about. People's perception. Yeah, I think like this lie that is easy to believe is that people give a shit that they're watching, like they actually care about my life, and they're like keeping a calendar checklist on how many days have ticked by since she got a divorce. And wow, it how dare her be happy or dating someone or whatever.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's hard to imagine anyone. Now, look, I think people could be judgmental, but that's not the same thing in my mind as like caring really about it.
SPEAKER_03Totally or I think you're right, or spending any time actually letting that occupy space.
SPEAKER_00And someone being judgmental, that's something that you should not care about.
SPEAKER_01Right, right. But it that's easier said than done. And like I had a concern initially and told Laura very directly that, but we have that kind of relationship, yeah. And that's not judgment, that was like a fear, and I'm so thankful.
SPEAKER_03And I think it was really it's so funny. Okay, so the best thing that happened is so my close, close friends, Claire's obviously one that y'all know very well, but Jessica is Zach's brother, and then Shelly's sister, never correct me, but yes, exactly. Sorry about that. Um, Shelly is my other best friend who lives in Georgia and was at that table the night the thirst trap photo was circulated, and I was like, am I gonna go on a hike with him? I didn't know that actually at the time, but subconsciously, clearly. But Shelly called me after about the like fifth time I went on a hike, and she was like, What are we doing? She was like, Are we hiking now? Is that what we're doing? We're dating a guy who hikes? Because it feels like we have a crush on this guy who hikes. And I was like, I think I do have a crush on this guy that hikes. And she was like, So, like you're gonna be with like a hiker? Like, that's the plan. You're gonna be with a hiker. And I was like, What are you saying? And she's like, Does he like live in a van and make hacky sacks? Like, he's a hiker. What does he live in the mountains? And I was like, What are you talking about? And she was like, I'm just concerned that his job is hiking. And I was like, that's not his job. He's a therapist. And she was like, Oh shit, thank God. Um, so that was really funny moment where she was very concerned that I had just started dating a guy who lived in a van.
SPEAKER_00Okay, but does he make hacky sacks?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I mean, I we he did buy Shelly an entire thing of hacky sacks. He doesn't.
SPEAKER_00Okay. But he hacky sacks.
SPEAKER_03No, he doesn't make anything. No, no, no, no, no. As a joke, he bought Shelly hacky sacks and started mailing them to her just like one at a time to just like fucking.
SPEAKER_01He's more we're erring on the side of like Claire Hippie. He's more like um CrossFit, bro. In a good way.
The Myth Of Being Ready
SPEAKER_03Oh, yeah, like high growth. Like he has won ultras, like won them. He won a cruel jewel and several times. And like he's like Danielle.
SPEAKER_01Yes, yes, yes. So uh what I'm about to say may or may not relate to what you're talking about, but something that I see in relationship post-either long-term relationship, whether marriage or not, um, or post-divorce is this belief, um, and I've actually seen it in both men and women, that I need to fix something that's wrong with me over a certain amount of time before I'm prepared to enter into a new relationship. It's really common in early recovery from substance use to not date for 365 days, but I guess on day 366, you're cured of anything and can jump right in. Obviously. Um, so I love an arbitrary timeline. I know you do. You'd follow that. You'd be like, well, AA said. That's right. I love it. I'm gonna tick down the days. This is what I would say. Um, if you jump into a relationship and have avoided, and I'm talking to the general you, have avoided going through some reality checking, which I've absolutely done, and it's an avoidance of pain, that might be a time to be by yourself. However, there is not a magical prescriptive date of I've done these things, so now I'm the perfect girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, and I can show up perfectly. And I because I've said this a million times on this podcast, we are harmed by people. We are harmed in relationship, whether it was uh a romantic relationship, a sibling relationship, parental, professional. And so the only way to heal from that is to be in a healthy healing relationship, professional, romantic, parental, like whatever it is, the relationship heals the wound. A different relationship heal heals the wound. And oftentimes we heal that for each other. And we can't go in and be like, my next partner is gonna heal these seven magical things for me. It really comes about naturally in ways that you didn't know. Like if you've been um more of an avoidant attacher and you want to move into secure, you've probably partnered with an anxiously attached person, and y'all can find security together. And it's really magical. And so if you're listening to this and you're on an arbitrary timeline or you think you have to be the picture of perfection before engaging in a new relationship or even a new job, like we don't, this doesn't have to be looked through the lens of romantic partnership. I would tell you that is a myth. Don't aim for perfection, like keep walking in your healing journey. And if someone falls into your life, like happened, which is what happened to you, Laura, you get to walk through it. There's no special day. And therapists don't give you a certain good therapist. We're not giving out certificates of like you are now prepared to go forth in love. It's not real.
When Public Life Meets Private Pain
SPEAKER_03And I think like I'll just say for me, historically, you know, obviously, I've had a couple accidental marriages, and the the marriage that ended last year was not an accident. It was something I walked into wildly intentional, really choosing it and believing that it was gonna be for the rest of my life. And so I think that when that ended or when it was ending and unraveling, that was really devastating. But I had a lot of time to process it. And when I look back at the accidental marriages, guys, I really did have a checklist of things I wanted somebody to fix about me. I really thought that I could find like a perfect person to come along and just like fill up these weird things that I couldn't quite figure out on my own, and they would just make them great. And when you've lived long enough and you've made as many mistakes relationally as I have, you start to realize that's not real. And one of the coolest things about dating Zach is that I don't, I'm not disillusioned and think he's some perfect person. Like he's not perfect and I'm not perfect, but the version of healthy he is makes me want to be healthier. And I think that we get to do that for each other. And so, like walking alongside and like learning to date again in my 40s, which is real different than my 30s, 20s, teens. Oh my god, so different. And I hear and have these incredible friends who are in their 40s and they're having like on apps and trying to figure out like how to find someone who's not a serial killer and like all the things, and obviously all the things we talked about. If you have not listened to our dating app episode way in the beginning, please go and listen. It is so funny. But I think like I'm grateful that it happened this way, like someone that was vetted for me before I even got to like going my first 7.77 mile hike.
SPEAKER_01So you can, I mean, if you don't want to talk about this, that's fine. But you talked a lot on social media about I don't think you made amends necessarily, but you kind of pulled the veil off of like, I worked really hard to make things look perfect and it wasn't the reality. Will you talk about like, was that a level of denial you had about your own life, or was it a preservation of identity? Like, will you talk about that for people that what I'm thinking of specifically is if you've made your life look a certain way, whether it's in a job or in a romantic partnership and you want to change that? I think sometimes because our lives are public now, we stay the same because it's like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna have to backpedal on this, or there's real fear in that. Um, or and maybe even not social media, but like I have to tell my boss, my coworker, my mom, my sister that I've changed my mind on this entire thing that I built. Are you open to it?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I mean, I think that I talked a lot about the man, I think out of believing and hope, we tend to err on the side of like this will get better. Because and behind the scenes, there's a lot of work going into making it better, right? And so I think the fear of pulling the veil off and having to say, like, oh shit, it didn't get better. And actually, like I talked about this whole idea of marriage being, and which I really want to subscribe to that if you decide to partner with someone, you go into it believing it's gonna be a long-term thing. Like the the hope is death till death do we part. Like we say that in vows, some of us, not all of us. Um and for me, that marriage was it was a death, it just wasn't the kind of death I thought it was gonna be. Um, and I fought so hard to protect that it felt like the most vulnerable thing that I've ever done as a grown-up who's like actually been doing work and and trying to live authentically. God, I hate saying that word out loud. That's okay. But to then say, like, hey guys, I really got this wrong. And I'm sorry if I misled you. I didn't do it on purpose though. I did not like you kind of wake up and you're like, oh shit. Like, I didn't mean to take a group of people with me believing that I had it all figured out, which is kind of how I made my life look. I didn't mean to do that because nobody's got it all figured out. Like, none of us are living perfect lives. I don't care how well you filtering your shit on social media, that's just not the way that it was. Um, I don't know if I'm answering your question. You're answering it beautifully. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And I think there's a really nice part about like when we hope and believe in something, the veil's not ready to be lifted yet. And there's something really hard but really freeing about being awake to the like truth of shit hurts.
Affordable Therapy And Real Support
SPEAKER_03You know, it's so interesting because I look back at my marriage that ended, and I I've had this thought. Obviously, I'm writing and a bunch of stuff is coming up for me. But like at the end of the day, I think I love that quote, we're all just walking each other home. And I think sometimes you just you're walk as far as you can walk together, and sometimes you just can't walk any further. Um, and that can be really painful and really, really sad, but you cannot replace the good things, but you also can't cling to the good things without also being in reality about the things that just didn't work. Um, and I think that's a really painful thing. And I would be lying if I said I'm not still navigating that. Of course. Of course. And I actually think a lot of that stuff might take years and years and years. So if you are a person who's just gotten out of a relationship, whether it was a marriage or even a friend breakup, man, that can be hard. Or leaving a job you've been at for a really long time, my encouragement to you would be one, um, I'm in therapy every week or every other week. I still need it. Um, I need an unbiased witness, I need somebody to process with. And although I am dating a therapist, he's not my therapist. The same way that Claire is my friend and not my therapist, um, you need, you might need both, but if you don't have both, this is my question to you. If someone is in a place where they're a big thing has happened and they've experienced a ton of loss, the veil has been lifted and it's like, oh, I can't hope anymore. This is over, and they're not in therapy or they can't afford that, what would you recommend to them?
SPEAKER_01Um, well, first, most therapists will offer a sliding scale. Yes, ask about a sliding scale, seriously. And or psychology today will list your insurance. Like if you have health insurance and it's good and it covers mental health, you can do that. Um, but if you just need to process, it is okay if you're not ready for therapy to find a tier one person to just walk with and and listen to that. The the difference is is a really good therapist will not only hold the space for you and let you process, but eventually when you have the relationship, they're gonna push you forth. That's the difference. And they're gonna push you forth with clinical backing. Like this is why the brain works this way, this is why emotions work this way, not just a friend that's like, well, what I do, which like it has its place. I do that all the time. So I would tell you the lie we a lot of humans tell ourselves is I can do this by myself, but we were never made to do it by ourselves. No matter what from raising children to cooking a meal to going through hard things, like we are. Creatures of connection. It's harder when it feels exposing, vulnerable, and sad, and like the bubble has to pop or the veil has has to be lifted, but that's when we need it the most.
SPEAKER_03I know. I'm so great. I cannot say enough about my tier one friends in this last season, but it's also been really fun to have fun with someone. And I don't know, to go on dates and play us an unbelievable amount of Yahtzee. I just don't I don't know.
SPEAKER_01Yahtzee Healing relationships.
SPEAKER_03Honestly, Scrabble, and I have won more than I've lost recently. You heard that, buddy.
SPEAKER_01So just no. And fun fact, I was banned by my mother from playing Yahtzee in high school because me and my friends would get so volatile about it. Um we had to put a stop to it.
SPEAKER_03Well, just keep in mind that's what's gonna happen. It came night next time. I want to see it.
SPEAKER_01I will rage.
SPEAKER_03Were you about to say something?
SPEAKER_00So to be clear, you're not doing this for free therapy.
SPEAKER_03No, I think there is a younger version of me that maybe would have been like, this is the ticket here. I am messed up, and this guy has answers.
SPEAKER_00It would have been a bold move.
SPEAKER_01I would have totally done that. Should fix me up. Uh I've thought it in every other circumstance. Uh same.
SPEAKER_03Me too. Uh just never dated a therapy. I mean, listen, I he's the best though. I'm thankful he's not my therapist because I feel like he could really ninja me.
How To Follow And Help
SPEAKER_01Before you cut bangs is hosted by Lara Quick and Claire Fearman and produced by Will Lockamy. Follow along with us everywhere.
SPEAKER_03Please subscribe to the podcast. Find us on Instagram. We're constantly doing polls. We want to know what you think. And I know that you probably know this, but reviewing us and giving us five stars matters more than anything, and we are so grateful to have you here.
SPEAKER_01We talk so much on the podcast about seeking therapy, getting help, finding resources. I would love to be able to help you with that. My website is up and running and beautiful. It is goodgrowthwithclaire.com. So, whether you're in the state of Alabama or not, I want to be able to help direct you to the right resources. Goodgrowthwithclaire.com.
