3.16 Why are you so mean to yourself!?

What you say to yourself — even as a joke, even about your younger self — shapes the internal environment you actually live in. This week, Laura is deep in writing her first book, which means facing childhood trauma, her chaotic twenties, and all the sharp judgment that comes with it. Claire, speaking as a therapist (but not your therapist), explains why self-criticism rarely drives lasting change, how shame bleeds into the present, and why grace has to be all-or-nothing: if you can't extend it to your past self, your current self pays the price.

The good news? This is a skill, not just a vibe. We break down practical cognitive reframing tools — neutral language that interrupts the spiral and rewires mental habits through neuroplasticity — and talk about why comparing your insides to someone else's dysfunction is a trap. If negative self-talk has quietly become your default, we also give you the simplest next step: tell a top-tier friend and get real support.

Transcript

When To Call A Friend Out

SPEAKER_02 0:01

Welcome to Before You Cut Bangs.

SPEAKER_01 0:02

I'm Laura Quick. I'm a professional storyteller and I'm writing my first book. And I'm Claire Fearman. I'm a therapist, but not your therapist. Full disclaimer: take what you like, leave the rest. I have a warm-up question. I love a warm-up question. If one of your tier one friends had low level, like would be maybe food in their teeth, would you tell them? Higher level, if they, if they're if they had you don't count, Will, you're gonna say no. Um if I had an outfit on that was wrong, would you tell me? Yes.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

No. But if you had something in your teeth, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 0:45

Yeah, teeth is a a non-negotiable. I will I booger. Oh yes, have to tell. Have to tell. Okay. He hates that we even said that.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

Yeah, I don't like the word. Uh only tier one. And that goes for the teeth thing, too. If you're not tier I don't know, tier one or two, but it's like you're keeping the kale in your teeth. If we're not like pretty close friends, uh it's gonna be as embarrassing for me to talk to you about the kale in your teeth as it is for you to be.

SPEAKER_02 1:08

I once walked I once walked an entire new restaurant with a person I thought was a not a tier one friend, but you know, top three tiers, um, but not top one. And top one, not one. Um Laura's tired. Hush. Okay. I had don't correct me. I had makeup not rubbed in on my face. Like the stick. Like, oh yeah, just right when the sticks, those OG sticks came out, I was using them like crazy. And uh got back in my car to check my teeth, actually, and realized I looked like a warrior. Okay, like I had been in a football game, but with blush. And uh I was like, wow, we're not friends. Like she is not my friend. She just walked around and let me look like that and introduced me to people. And and I was like, okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:58

Well, I'm gonna tell you, is what it is. Okay, tier ones for sure. And I ask because Amanda, who I talk about a lot, we were going to a birthday party last night, and she had on a gorgeous dress, brand new. She looked adorable with precious little sneakers and her kid's socks. And this kid's socks were showing from the top of the sneakers, and I was like, You can't do that. And she was like, Yeah, I can. And I was like, Well, you shouldn't, because it's really detracting from how beautiful you are to have those stupid socks on. Did you give her some new socks? I was like, You have to wear no shows. She's like, Well, I don't have no shows, and so she sits on my little bench in my room. She agreed to the socks, and she pulls up the dress and she had leggings on underneath. And I was like, Okay, well, I'll leave the leggings today, but we're changing the socks, and it really changed the outfit. Why did she have leggings on? Okay, she got a little cold. It was a little chilly. It was a little zip in the air, but it was funny. And then at this birthday party, she's describing that I called her out on the socks, and it was a split 50-50 because people were like, live and let live. What do you care what she wears? And I'm like, I deeply care about her, and she should know it looked stupid. Yes, and it looks better this way. But if you're a tier three, I don't care what socks you have.

Writing A Book And Hearing Shame

SPEAKER_02 3:10

Tier one, I one want to be called out if I look crazy, and uh and also feel like I would say to you specifically, like, hey, what's happening with like is this what we're wearing? Exactly. But I've never had to say that to you. And I all of my friends are very stylish, so I feel like it's more likely they would say that to me than it's not true. Um, okay, well, today we are talking about the fact that your brain is listening. And the reason we're talking about this is because I am deep in the throes of writing and I am constantly being concerned about by my tier one friends of just like, are you good? Um, and what I realized is in writing this book, I'm having to go back to it was challenging to go back into my childhood trauma. I've done a ton of work around that. Um, but it's always gonna be challenging to look at the hardest parts of your life. What I have not done though is really go back into my 20s and be like, girl, you were a shit show. And I thought the 20s was gonna be like kind of like I call it the blackout deck. And I was like, this is gonna be fun. The negative self-talk, the judgment I've had, and obviously I am judgy toward 20-something me because I'm like, girl, what what where were your friends? What was wrong with you? And why are you this way? But your brain is listening. This really came up for me, one, because of the way I've been talking to myself, but two, because I've been more aware of how hard I've been on myself, I'm also aware of how my people are talking.

SPEAKER_01 4:48

And I realized that like people in your head or people in your life.

SPEAKER_02 4:52

Well, there are several voices in my head.

SPEAKER_00 4:55

It's a whole other episode.

SPEAKER_02 4:56

Uh, we're gonna have to do a different episode of that. But this is like more of like in recognizing my own negative self-talk, it's been easier to see it in my people that I love. And so, like correcting it. So we're talking about our brains are listening and we're creating some realities when we are speaking out loud or the voices inside of our head. What is the record that's playing?

SPEAKER_01 5:17

Well, I feel like you tricked me into judging your 20-year-old self by sending me pictures of her. Well, she And then I got in on it, and now I feel guilt.

SPEAKER_02 5:26

I do feel like I am like, it was like the spring break that never ended, honestly. Truly. The blonde was blonding the double D, triple D boobs that the the doctor was like, you they always want to go bigger, they always should just go bigger, liar. Oh, I was like, yeah, where do I sign? Just put me, put me in there. Yep. I um put me down for double D's.

SPEAKER_00 5:50

So is this negative self-talk? Is it the same thing as like personal constructive criticism? Because I feel like that's a good thing.

SPEAKER_02 5:57

Oh no, no, no, no, no. This is like looking back at a ver well, for me in this specific scenario, it's been about looking back at this version of me that doesn't exist anymore. And almost like pretending she does. Yeah, I mean, she does, obviously. I'm writing about her, but she's not hearing around. Yeah, she's not like hanging out.

SPEAKER_01 6:18

Okay, well, tell us, tell us what you've been saying to yourself because the people are gonna want to know what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_02 6:26

You know, I think that the thing that's hardest to look at when you're looking back at a version of yourself that makes you cringe, um, specifically for me. I've been beating myself up about measuring myself against some really unhealthy people in my life.

SPEAKER_01 6:46

Laura, what have you said about yourself in your head?

SPEAKER_02 6:49

No, I want to finish what I was gonna say. When your barometer is the the most unhealthy people in your life, you can pretend you're really good. Good. Um, and that is what my 20s were. It was like, well, at least I'm not my mom. And so, but now I'm looking back at her and I'm like, girl, you were a train wreck. So train wreck is something I've been saying a lot. Um, psycho, which I'm still kind of am a psycho a little bit, but like in a good way, you know, like the psycho you want on your team. Um uh she was just grass, I I just don't like her at all.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

So going back, like if you're having negative self-talk about this decade of life, how do why does that matter today? What does it do?

SPEAKER_02 7:36

Well, here's what it does. Um, it's not helpful one at all, because I have to have grace for I cannot compartmentalize grace. Either I have grace for myself or I don't. That's the way that I feel. I don't think things like grace get to live in a vacuum. I think you're either like grace-filled or you're not. Um, and so if I'm really judgy of myself then, it's a lot easier to be very judgy of myself now. For instance, this new haircut, which teeters. When I wake up in the morning, I'm 1997 Ellen de Generous. Okay. I look like I've I could move some things for you. Then of course, you know, when I'm blow drying my hair, I look a little more like anything could happen. Lord Farquad could come out, and maybe, maybe I can get it close to what Elena, my stylist, made it look like. So did you cut your hair because you were being mean to yourself? No, I cut my hair because for the first time I'm like, I've I can take chances and it doesn't matter what anybody thinks. And breaking up with Elizabeth felt okay. Yeah, letting her let go and let live, you know. What'd you wait, where'd you put her when you were done with it? Oh wow. She's in a bag. I still have her. She's in a bag. Then case I need her, sure. You know, what if I had a like Zach was like, he goes, have you thought about like if you have a crisis? Like if you cut your hair and like what's gonna, what are we, what can we mentally map? Because this is what happens when you're dating a therapist. Can you mentally map what will happen? Will you rush to put your extensions back in? And I was like, no, I feel, I mean, maybe, but I hope not. I didn't.

Why Grace And Shame Spill Over

SPEAKER_01 9:22

Okay. So do you want to hear about the psychology about this? I do.

SPEAKER_02 9:26

I want other people to also well, one, what do you think? Do you think Grace can live in a vacuum or can it not?

SPEAKER_01 9:33

I've never heard it put like that. That was really pretty. No, because it's like we know we can't selectively numb emotions. If I numb my anger, grief, or sadness, I will at least damper damper, that's the word. Okay, damper, dampen, lower uh my ability to feel joy and happiness and humor too. So I guess my answer would be yes. Like I don't get to selectively emote, so I can't selectively have grace. Because if I don't have grace, then to me, the opposite is shame. Right?

SPEAKER_02 10:09

Yeah. Yeah, and this was my decade of shame. It was a shit show, but it was mostly I lived almost perpetually out of shame. Just hiding, pretending, performing, putting on a costume every day so that people wouldn't see that I was just like riddled and just disgust with myself.

SPEAKER_01 10:31

I think back to oh, I have so much to say, so I'm gonna really try to settle in. Um the self-criticism to motivate behavior doesn't typically work. Like that's different than holding myself accountable to like I mess this up, I can do better. And this is how that would be motivating. But just self-deprecating and criticizing thoughts I don't see motivate a ton of change. And I went into therapy like a couple, I guess it was a couple months ago, and um, I was like, Grace, listen, her name's Grace, perfect. I was like, Grace, listen. Um, I was terrible at these ages, and it was like younger, like 13, 14, 15-ish. And um like, where were my parents? And where they were was my dad was getting sober from heroin. So like they had some stuff on their plate. Keith was doing his work, okay?

SPEAKER_02 11:28

Yeah, he was doing his work.

SPEAKER_01 11:29

Everybody was at on-site and treatment.

SPEAKER_02 11:31

And Nessie was just like whole buckled up and trying her best.

SPEAKER_01 11:34

Like she was probably true. I mean, not probably, I'm sure she was in total survival mode. And I looked real cute on the outside, and I was sneaking out and making out like constantly, like no drugs or anything. It was just boys, and that doesn't take rocket science, like your dad's in treatment, so you're gonna show your boots like to other people.

SPEAKER_02 11:56

Touch them, touch the nipple, it's fine.

SPEAKER_01 11:58

And I like went in ready for Grace to be like, I don't know why, like that was really bad, you know? And she was like so confused while I was like still wasting time being upset about it. And I have like a super old school therapist, so she will say, I wouldn't waste a whole lot of time on that. And like sometimes it can be that simple. And I was like, Yeah, I'm not gonna waste a whole lot of time on that. And like we've talked about here, like the like, oh, of course I did that. But the hatred I have for that age doesn't, I'm not like slutding around now. So like that's not like I repeated the behavior, um, but it is like complete disdain. And the move is like, oh my gosh, of course, like what was I looking for? How is that manifested now? So it a lot of it isn't rocket science, but to your point of my brain is listening. Once we get on this track, even if it was something I did yesterday or two decades ago, I will ramp up self-criticism because the brain is awake to the oh, I better pay attention to these bad things, you stupid bitch. Is that what you're saying? Yes. Okay, well, that's factual information.

SPEAKER_02 13:11

And I think that it's uh what what I have what I'm doing, because thankfully I'm through that section of the book and Lord, I'm happy to put it away. But um I'm just realizing that like a lot of my survival has been based on almost delusion. You know, it really took me being like delusional. One, it's you have to be delusional to become an entrepreneur. You just do. You have to believe that you can make it when the tomorrow and the odds are, by the way, only only 5% of businesses make it. Five percent over a year, right? Over two years, you get in like miracle level whatever. The to grow your business over a million dollars, that's a completely different thing. So, like you have to be delusional. I was always like, I had that, but I had to be delusional to create this world where I could be different and make it above and out of what had happened to me. Um, I love that part of me. I love her and I'm honored, I want to honor her, but man oh man, you're like mad at yourself for being a teenager. I was a mother, I was a mom doing some of this shit.

SPEAKER_00 14:30

How old were you when Clay was born?

SPEAKER_02 14:32

20.

SPEAKER_00 14:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 14:33

Yeah, it was pretty actually no she's saying my behaviors as a teen, she was already she was being in her 20s as a mother. Oh, okay. Gotcha.

SPEAKER_02 14:41

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what, well, yeah, not exactly that, but yeah, you wouldn't have to sneak out, you could just leave. Let them in.

SPEAKER_01 14:50

Come on in.

SPEAKER_02 14:52

Here we go. Uh oh, you want to move in? Do you you don't have good credit? I'll buy you a car. It's fine. Oh, you pulled a gun on me. You can stay in the guest bedroom until you get your shit together. Like, what the fu what? I mean, it's just this like ridiculous level. Are you freaking kidding me? But, anyways, yes. So I've been awake. One of the other things that has really helped me through my life is this like that mentality of whatever I focus on is gonna get bigger. And what I was realizing while I was in this section of the book is that it was getting bigger and the shame felt heavy again. Like it was like I was back there, just like that. Um, and our thoughts do that. Like, whatever we're thinking about, we're kind of bringing about it's gonna get bigger and bigger and bigger. Um, and so as I normally do, I like to fix other people before I fix myself. So I hear people talking shit, and I'd be like, don't talk bad about yourself. And meanwhile, inside I'm like, you piece of shit.

SPEAKER_00 15:55

It's the exact opposite of the you put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you put it on the person next to you.

SPEAKER_02 16:01

Right. That's exactly right. It's my growth edge. I'm still working on it.

SPEAKER_01 16:04

So before we get into like how to fix all of this, um do you ever or did you ever do the thing like I'll self-deprecate first so you won't have to do it? Like I'll I'll make a joke about failure or I'm this type of person or that type of person, and I'll name it for everybody because then I've already gotten it out of the way. Does that make sense? Like, you can't. Are you kidding?

SPEAKER_02 16:27

I was the queen of that. I would walk in a room and basically be like, let me make fun of myself really fast on the thing I'm most insecure about. That way, if you do it, I already rip that band-aid off, or you'll be like, see, she already got to the joke. Yep, you're welcome. I am the joke.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

Okay. I just want to name that I think that's what I see people doing a lot, not just in self-deprecating, but I'm not gonna try this new thing because I could fail. It's like the same concept. Like, I'll get out in front of this so it doesn't hurt as bad. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. Okay. So this I used to think positive psychology was like for the birds, and I was because it wasn't deep enough. Like I just thought you like had to get to like the deepest of deep wounds to find resolve. In your gram four. Of course. Feel it. Just feel everything all the time. Emotionally cut constant. And if you're not feeling it, you're not healing it. That was like my big thing. Like you have to fail it to hail it. Like, I should have had it. I could have had a tattoo. Thank God I didn't. Um right next to your mahjong tile. Do you know I got a mahjong tile tattoo with my mom?

SPEAKER_00 17:39

No, like recently.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

Yeah, at a mahjong tournament. I mean, not at the tournament. They there wasn't a tattooed soul in there, but me.

SPEAKER_00 17:46

It's like one P one tile.

SPEAKER_01 17:48

I'll show you sometime.

SPEAKER_00 17:50

Okay. Well, Robert.

SPEAKER_01 17:51

This weather finally warms up and I'm in a tank. You're like you're gonna see. Um but so it is a blessing that I did not get that tattooed on me, because it could have happened. So what I have learned, well, what was it? Was it SNL, Jack Handy?

SPEAKER_00 18:06

Yeah. I mean he's he was a writer on SNL and then he had the. And gosh darn it, I'm oh no, that is uh well, that's Al Franken doing uh I'll think of that character's name.

SPEAKER_01 18:17

But could you yeah, could you look it up? Would you would you look it up for me? I'm gonna need that as an example because it was made fun of on SNL, and then I'm like, but we're not good.

SPEAKER_00 18:31

Stuart Smalley. Oh good enough.

SPEAKER_01 18:35

Yeah, and can we have a line?

unknown 18:37

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 18:38

Uh what is it? I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone at people like me. I think that's it. Without looking it up, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

Yes, okay. So that's a thing. Um, I am not like a big like you have to like write this on your mirror and lipstick to remember. God, I love to do it though.

SPEAKER_02 18:54

Post-it notes everywhere.

Rerouting Thoughts With Neutral Language

SPEAKER_01 18:55

I mean, not not write it on that mirror, but it really works for some people. I wouldn't do it. Um love affirmation. Write that shit down. So, um a practical in the moment skill. Like, yes, you can be a post-it person, whatever. Um, but in the moment, let's say I'm driving in my car because I feel like shower driving, like when you're kind of in quiet time, is when your brain, if we've put it on this mission to pay attention to bad things, it's like, I thought of several things you did that were stupid one time. Um, and you're like, I knew it, I'm a piece of shit, and we go down the rabbit hole. So in those moments of self-deprecating, it doesn't really, maybe it sounds like that. I don't know what it sounds like, but I'm only positive. Um, if I catch myself being too hard, too self-criticizing, in that very moment, you have to counteract it with something. And it doesn't have to be positive, but you can at least neutralize it. So it's wow, I just didn't know what I didn't know then. So that's more neutral. Um, a more positive statement is wow, I really course corrected. I'm so happy with where I am now. So we have to move the brain or even invite you to move the brain. Move your brain to something. Like it is like turn that car, and then we strengthen the neuropathway of positivity, which we were not evolved to do that. We evolved to see the negative, to be in survival, because like, is there a saber-toothed tiger? Do we have fire? And like the brain hasn't caught up yet. I don't know the years on that, you don't have to look it up of evolution, but um we had to do it as self-protection. So your brain did what did what it needed to do in your 20s. Like, delusion and denial are very serving to a survival mode, and you had to have it. And so another way to do it is say, when you recognize, like, thank you so much for doing that, I don't need you anymore. I love that one. Like when my old survival mechanisms come up, thank you, I don't need you anymore. Like, I've got this now. I yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:06

It's a really interesting um when I recognized how hard I had been on myself, I think that that was the thing that came up is like, wait, wait, wait. Now that I've had my 10,000 hours of therapy, of course, like I do know that that's like the right response. Like, of course, that's how I lived. I didn't know better. I was measuring myself against like real dysfunction. And so my dysfunction looked kind of healthy compared, right? Um, and I think that that is what I've been talking to myself about of like, girl, but look at you now.

SPEAKER_01 21:48

The only times that I think the comparison to like I'm not as bad as them is helpful is if you're nervous about the gynecologist or the dentist. You know, I'm like, they've seen work. Like I'm in good shape here. And other than that, like it's not a super useful skill to say, like, at least I'm not my mom. At least I'm not that. Yeah. That's not motivating.

SPEAKER_02 22:10

Well, also, when you get what I have evolved into is I want to measure myself against myself yesterday. So can I do a little bit better than I did yesterday? That's healthy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:21

But not the other. That's bad. Do you have any questions? Because men, I assume, don't do this or you've never heard of it before.

SPEAKER_00 22:28

Uh, I mean, no, no, no questions, no notes. Uh notes.

SPEAKER_01 22:37

Anything else on this that we've missed?

SPEAKER_02 22:40

No, I think I've it's just encouragement. Like one interrupt. If you have been talking ugly to yourself and you're living in a um hole, meaning normally when you're being mean to yourself, you're not telling people you're doing it. You're doing it quietly. Um, tell somebody, call a top-tier friend, tell you, call a tier one and say, like, mm-hmm man, I'm really being hard on myself. Can you can you help me? Um, or schedule a point with your therapist, like I do.

SPEAKER_01 23:10

Yeah, and sometimes just stopping the thought is super powerful. You have a high trauma story. Some people are not gonna have a high trauma story, but everyone is gonna be prone to like self-deprecating thoughts except for Will Achmy. Of course.

SPEAKER_00 23:24

And when I'm just teasing, you know, that's like my number one, like self-deprecate in a good way. It's like my number one way of thinking. Like in all my writing and stuff is all self-deprecating and say more.

SPEAKER_01 23:38

Like you mention it now, you're like the client at Minute 47 that's like, here's the worst thing that's ever happened to him.

SPEAKER_02 23:44

By the way, I wanted to tell you. Bye.

SPEAKER_00 23:46

Well, I don't know. In a humor from a humor standpoint, like certainly my sense of humor is a self-deprecating sense of humor.

SPEAKER_01 23:55

Yeah, I'll I'll allow it. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 23:57

Um, so that's what that's where I'm going with that. Like, and an imposter syndrome, but that's a real thing, and I think that's a healthy thing. I think when people don't have imposter syndromes, and I'm like, what's wrong with you? You cocky son of a gun.

SPEAKER_01 24:09

But it's not running your life.

SPEAKER_00 24:11

No, no.

SPEAKER_01 24:13

Okay, that's all I needed to know. Um, this is one of the few times in therapy where I just want to be like, just stop it, just stop it. And it can really be as simple. Like I have to just stop the thought and reroute it. And people think they don't have control of their mind. And maybe they don't, maybe they're not practiced in it yet. But to me, when I talk about mindfulness, that's what I'm talking about. Do I have the ability to when my brain derails, do I have the ability to bring it back to like what works and what's right here and what's right in front of me? And clients really resist doing that. It feels mundane, boring, it's not as like emoting, um, it's not that big of a deal. It is the two-degree shift. When my mind leaves and goes to this dangerous, self-deprecating, criticizing place. Can I stop it and bring it back?

SPEAKER_02 25:00

Yeah. And that's the thing I one, I just know that if I've done as much therapy as I've done, and I know so much about why, how I lived that way, and why I lived that way. I did it, I'm doing it, and so I imagine maybe I'm not alone. Um, call a tier one, schedule an appointment with your therapist. That's what I did. We can do this, guys. We don't have to be so mean to ourselves.

SPEAKER_01 25:28

Before you cut bangs is hosted by Lara Quick and Claire Fearman and produced by Will Lockman. Follow along with us everywhere.

SPEAKER_02 25:36

Please subscribe to the podcast, find us on Instagram. We're constantly doing polls. We want to know what you think. And I know that you probably know this, but reviewing us and giving us five stars matters more than anything, and we are so grateful to have you here.

SPEAKER_01 25:52

We talk so much on the podcast about seeking therapy, getting help, finding resources. I would love to be able to help you with that. My website is up and running and beautiful. It is goodgrowthwithclair.com. So, whether you're in the state of Alabama or not, I want to be able to help direct you to the right resources. Goodgrowth with Claire.com.