Before You Cut Bangs
Hosted by Laura Quick and Claire Fierman, “Before You Cut Bangs” is full of hilarious conversations about real life, common and uncommon crises, and possible cosmetic errors that come along with it. Through storytelling and therapeutic wisdom, Claire and Laura share how to NOT fuck up your hair (and life) while walking through similar situations,
Produced by Will Lochamy
Before You Cut Bangs
3.18 That one time Claire saw a Psychic…
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Sometimes life throws something really big or hard at us and we believe we need help ASAP. So obviously, you text your therapist or find a psychic, right?!? Jk. But Claire did hire a psychic once and we haze her accordingly.
Something else is happening though when we don’t give ourselves a bit of breathing room for our nervous system to settle and regulate…we take to the internet.
What happens when the internet becomes your nervous system? This episode explores self-diagnosis culture, algorithmic reinforcement, health anxiety, therapy speak, and the psychological effects of constantly consuming mental health online.
Welcome And Big Disclaimer
SPEAKER_00Welcome to Before You Cut Bangs.
SPEAKER_01I'm Laura Quick. I'm a professional storyteller and I'm writing my first book. And I'm Claire Fearman. I'm a therapist, but not your therapist. Full disclaimer: take what you like, leave the rest. Take us on a journey, Claire.
The New Reflex To Text Therapy
SPEAKER_01Okay. So everybody's in therapy because of social media. Which is great. Business is booming. I couldn't get in with my therapist because both of our schedules were so booked and we were like going back and forth. She's like, I don't have a client at this time. I'm like, well, I've got a client at that time. And she's like, business is booming. And I'm like, truly, it's wild. So good on you guys. Thank you. Thank you for for making this world a better place. I think we're like a touch reliant on our therapists. So I'm not saying don't go to therapy. But I think everyone has more daily life skills than perhaps they think they do. So it's like we have what we determine as a crisis that day, and then text our therapists like, Do you have any openings today or tomorrow? Sometimes there is a real crisis that you need a lot of support on. Okay. Yeah. And perhaps you don't. But I'm going to be here for it. Okay. And I don't just mean people, I'm actually really not talking about people calling me. I watch people in my life do it, and it's so funny. Um I'm not going to name names actually, but I watched it yesterday happen. It was like this really bad thing happened, and they had a therapy appointment the next day. Um, we therap we don't know everything. Like I just want to say that. Like, we don't know everything. We have no crystal ball. Um it's not like the time you went and saw a psychic. I have nightmares about that.
SPEAKER_00Um, who definitely was just finding my Facebook and liking shit on it accidentally. And I was like, Claire, he doesn't, he's not clairvoyant. Okay. But he did know something. He Googled you. Yes. It's called uh making shit up and getting it right every once in a while.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Did the Wizard of Oz teach us nothing? I mean, you see how it's done.
SPEAKER_00This is not what the episode's about. Well, I just feel like while you're talking shit, I wanted to remind you, you actually did do this.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Your nightmares about it should be that you spent money on it.
SPEAKER_00So much. Three times. Hang on. And it didn't help. Didn't change a mother trucking thing.
Decision Fatigue And The Psychic Detour
SPEAKER_01Pivot. Okay. This is why I did it. And I guess it does work with the topic, unfortunately. I like I like to be in the kind of, I know what's what seed, but here we go. I couldn't make a decision. I was in total decision fatigue. Um, and it was like in my mind, this has to happen or that has to happen. And I need someone to tell me. You need an unbiased witness. And you know who will tell you?
SPEAKER_00A psychic or an attorney. Like those are I can't Carl from the internet, uh, who you know is in a weird spot somewhere between Homewood and Mountain Brook. He's definitely the one.
SPEAKER_01That wasn't his name, and I'm glad we're protected. Okay. So I hope he's doing okay. And laughed all the way at the bank. He's like, wow, she really bought it. Okay. So, and I did. Was this because Grace couldn't get you in? Or you know, that's because therapists won't give you the answer, right? Like, I mean, we might like direct you or like shine the flashlight, but a therapist isn't unless you're in danger. A therapist isn't gonna be like, do this thing. Like, we don't know. Um, we can ask the right questions if we're like, we kind of know, but we can't say it, so we're gonna get you over here. But like, I can't think of another profession besides like paying an attorney or paying a psychic. I guess a doctor, they'll tell you what's what sometimes. Sometimes. Or they're like, it might be this one or it might be that. I'm like, well, what do you think? So I was in decision fatigue and needed some more therapy, couldn't get an answer out of her. And so I did go to see a psychic and it was soothing for like a couple days, and then I was like, what? And then I called Laura and I was like, you're not gonna believe what happened. And I called my mom, and y'all are both probably like, good, good, good, good. Oh my god. Okay. That was about a year ago. It wasn't like a decade ago.
SPEAKER_00Okay, that was more recent as you might imagine.
SPEAKER_01So as I talk about this, I'm not judging. I am her. I have done this. Okay. I imagine you might have called your therapist or texted, like, I need to get in the mall.
SPEAKER_00Poor Mills. Literally, I was thinking of sitting here feeling so convicted that sometimes the Mills will reach out and be like, Hey, if you, you know, I'm have a schedule open for you know a week from now or whatever. I was like, what if I come right now? Are you available right? You're texting. You obviously don't have anyone. No one's in that office right now. And look, like, I'm on my way, so I'll be there in a second. And he sometimes is like, Well, she's probably in a dark place. Come on. But 99% of these like, no, I can't just see right now. Sometimes I do it for people.
SPEAKER_01So this is I really I'm trying to say this to empower people to if you're not in immediate danger, could you give it 24 hours? Because sometimes if we can regulate for 24 hours, I'm like, oh, wait, I I'm actually okay. So something about texting a therapist um gives a little nervous system soothing of like, okay, they're gonna tell me what to do. And sometimes, sometimes that is appropriate, but I want to challenge people. Like, that's a really expensive phone. I mean, phone call. Like, and like and no insurance-based therapist is gonna give you the customer service I'm giving. Um, so that's part A of this.
ChatGPT As A Stand In Therapist
SPEAKER_01And then B, when people think they're an emergency, where are they going?
SPEAKER_00The internet or Victoria, chat GPT, chat GPT, Instagram, TikTok. I was on the phone with one of my top tier, one tier one, the other day, and she was like, I had a great therapy session with my chat GPT. And I was like, You know you can't do that. It was actually very helpful. And I was like, and she's like, Yeah, because it was just giving me, it was like showing me links and psychology today reports and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, Okay. She's like, I feel much better, but I'm not gonna do it anymore. Back to the Bible. Thank you.
SPEAKER_01So I will preface this with I have chat GPT. I don't have any social media. I mean, they're not deleted, they're just not on my phone. Because I'm better than everybody right now. That's what it sounds like, but it isn't. Um, we'll get into that. Um, I use these things, super helpful in the correct context, but people have to watch out. Is the internet now my central nervous system? Or am I controlling my central nervous system? So I would say the majority of my clients come to me with their diagnosis, which is wild to me. If you need to advocate for yourself, like in the medical world or therapeutic world, that's great. Hey, I'm having these symptoms. I did some research. Could we explore that? That's really good. Patient advocacy. But the internet does push us towards a little confirmation bias of especially chat GPT.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I was gonna say that's the whole problem, the big problem with chat GPT is with AI is the competition. That's why other ones now are gaining so much popularity because they're more like honest as opposed to just telling you what you want to hear.
SPEAKER_01We talk like Chat GPT.
SPEAKER_02Will I talk like Yeah, just to us.
SPEAKER_01Tell us, just tell us our company. I'll tell you what it means. Like if I ask it a question every time, it's like Claire, that was a killer concept. Let's play that out a little bit more. I could be like, I'm gonna put needles in my eyeballs and see what happens. It's like, hey, let's pump the brakes. I like where you're going, but some other alternatives are like So do you do you do the voice Chat GPT where it actually talks to you? No, that's the voice I made up for.
SPEAKER_02Okay, because there is I use a voice. I have in my car. She's British.
SPEAKER_01I love her.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and it doesn't.
SPEAKER_01Victoria.
SPEAKER_02No.
SPEAKER_01So Chat GPT is gonna tell you what you what it wants you to hear because guess what? You're gonna keep coming back for more. Exactly. It's super smart. But I will say, if you're like, I need PubMed articles on this, great resource. Really, I don't have time to sift through that. She's gonna tell me. I forget what I named her because I don't talk to her like you do.
SPEAKER_00Um, I have several now. They're all different assistants.
SPEAKER_01Wow, that's kind of brilliant. Okay.
SPEAKER_00But also don't it's actually a lot, so maybe consider don't doing. Don't do it. Okay. Which I'm really fairly.
SPEAKER_01So this isn't an episode for me to be like a cultural critic of social media diagnosing everybody.
Deleting Social Media And What Changed
SPEAKER_01I really wanted to talk about it because I did my own experiment of getting off of social media and wanted to talk about what that did for me. Have y'all ever deleted it? Are you even addicted to it?
SPEAKER_02Oh, sure. Like everybody else, I think I think everybody is a little. I don't think it's a problem, right? But uh like I haven't gotten to a point where it's like, oh, I missed this thing with my kids because I was scrolling or nothing like that. But I mean, I definitely look at it. Yeah. I don't look at Facebook much after I'm done with work and where I have to use it during work, and then boom.
SPEAKER_00I think I convinced myself it's uh for work, but really it's definitely a soothing, you know, it it does something to my nervous system. You're right. Um, and while I haven't done that experiment, what I have done is I've lived in my house now for eight, nine months and have no TV and have never plugged my phone up in my room ever. So I have created better boundaries around when I allow myself to consume and what I'm consuming. Um, and that's been really helpful, but I haven't been brave enough to. I mean, I've taken it off my phone before and I've done fast from it, not announcing it.
SPEAKER_01Okay, this is important. You said I've never been brave enough. Um, and I do think there's a utilization for work, but if you can put that aside, because people will relate to this, what did you mean? I haven't been brave enough to just delete it from my phone.
SPEAKER_00Well, I think there is this lie that if you if you're not feeding it, then you could disappear, or your brand could disappear, or your engagement could go down so substantially. And, you know, uh unfortunately, my career is contingent on growing and building and all of those things in some ways, not in every way. But so I think for me it was like, oh my gosh, like for now, I've I'm like pushing a deadline right now. What I really need is like complete focus. I should not be worried about what type of content I need to be posting. I should be just doing the job in front of me for the next, like, what's gonna happen? What's the worst thing that could happen if I just don't talk to anybody on social media for 30 days? They forget I exist. Okay.
SPEAKER_01Like, so that's the business mindset for sure, and the fear with it. I think what I've heard, because I've just started asking people in this um, like, what's your fear? And it's a lot we're telling a lot of lies to ourselves. So, well, I might miss out on some kind of event because a lot of people are dependent on social media to get like their, I might miss out on this thing because I didn't know it was happening. That's how I stay connected to people. Um, that's how I entertain myself. Or people when I've asked, people are really defensive out the gate in a nice way, but they're like, oh, well, I have it so curated. I only have cat videos and how to make stews, you know. And they like want to tell me, like, oh, it's only good stuff that's on there. Uh-huh. So it's not doing any damage to me. So I deleted it in February, off the end of February, off my phone and went several months without even looking at it. And then I've logged in on my computer two times. Um, the first couple weeks, I was astounded at how many times I went to grab my phone when there was for me, it was boredom or anxiety. And by boredom, I mean like a lull. So it's like activate, activate, activate. So that's the first thing that I noticed. That one away.
SPEAKER_00Like my grandmother, I just wrote about this, so it's like new, like, but my grandmother had a nervous twitch in her kitchen where you could like you could count the time she was gonna do this in a day. She'd pick up a the cloth that she wiped the counter with, she'd wipe the counter. She'd lift her tits up with her arm, her forearm, like this, and then she'd adjust her glasses. And that was her little nervous twitch. You know what mine is? Mine is picking up my phone, checking TikTok, check Facebook, check Instagram, check, check, check, check, check my email, check, check, check. I mean, like, ooh, I would much rather be just lifting those tits up and wiping the counter. Wipe that counter. Bring, bring grandma titlifting back. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_01So I exactly. So then I'm like, well, we're getting alarm clocks in every room, like, well, bedrooms in the house, because I don't want this in my room anymore. Because I wake up even without social media, and I'm like, who needed me at 2 a.m., you know, or what? Like, I can't, blind is a bad. And so I'm like, okay, okay, like scalding my retina or whatever cornea is, I don't know.
SPEAKER_00Um obviously, Claire's also moonlighting. Hi, Doctor. You're welcome.
SPEAKER_01Anyways, um, come see me. So I didn't want that anymore. So everyone has an alarm clock, and parents, guess what? Will wake up your kids. One of those horrible 90s, like same thing I had. Yeah. Y'all, my kids are up every day because they can't take it anymore. And I'm like, good, we're not fighting anymore in the mornings. I'm not going in. Did you get are you up? Up, get up, sit up so I can see that you're up. Okay. Because Gus will like sit up, still asleep.
SPEAKER_00And then I'm like, feet on the floor, you know, and not anymore. Clay was a ninja at pretending he was awake and then going right back to sleep. Like he would be fully brushing his teeth and then go back to sleep.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_00I would be like, murder. You will get murdered.
SPEAKER_01So we are back to that. Um, and I had to work a little bit harder. I do think I've missed out on some social things, totally fine with it. But I had to, like in Birmingham, we have B Ham now. They post all the events. Like I had to work harder to figure out what I wanted to do. I had to work harder to get in touch with people. And I have laughed just as hard, even without like funny reels and videos. It has been fantastic. So, in the middle of this, someone asked me about dopamine addiction that I guess
Dopamine Talk And The Habit Loop
SPEAKER_01is really popular right now on the TikToks. And um, I'm like, let me think on that because there's books coming out, like I don't know what they're called, but dopamine addiction is like the theme. Well, dopamine's just a little neurotransmitter in there, like like serotonin. And so you can't be addicted to it. Like that would be.
SPEAKER_00It exists already.
SPEAKER_01It's there. But what happens, what you're talking about with the nervous tick, that's exactly right. That whole move lift them, lift them, wipe all of it. Um a cue probably came into your grandmother, some cue that she wasn't aware of, and then the tick happens, and there's a reward to it. Okay. So cue, do the th do the behavior. And I'm going like this, if you're watching me, like it comes into the midbrain, that causes the behavior, then the prefrontal cortex is like, I loved it, do it again. So the addictive cycle, and dopamine does have to do with actual addiction, whether it's substances or whatever, but it's we are so used to that reward. That's what we're addicted to. Feeling like we have something to do, even if we don't have something to do. So the cue came in for me. Oh, I got a little anxious, pick it up, self-soothe. Brain's like, it worked. You did great. I don't feel bad anymore. And so here we go, here we go. And now it got broken. And like, I don't know how I could ever go back to that. So someone was asked me the other day, because I was in an existential crisis about should I get back on social media? And one of my friends, tier one, old bad sock Amanda, was like, hey, well, just change your mindset. It's just for work. Like, just say I'm using this for work and only get on to do work stuff. And I was like, that's a great idea. Well, if I look at the dopamine cycle that we're talking about, that would be truly equivalent to me talking to a heroin addict and saying, look, great news, just use on special occasions. Like, just use like a titch of heroin when like people on birthdays.
SPEAKER_00People that use cocaine just like for big events. They're like, Bachelor party. They kind of do exist, actually. 100%. Cocaine people totally do.
SPEAKER_02People I know that use cocaine are only that way.
SPEAKER_00Yes, literally. It's just like we're having a party. Of course we're doing cocaine.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Well, I'm referring to a heroin addict. Um, it wouldn't work. Like the cue of pain or discomfort comes in. Use the drug over and over and over again until recovery, sobriety, death, or jail. Like, those are the options. And so I don't know that how social media was made gives the ability to compartmentalize it because we're so addicted to it. Thoughts, comments, anything.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I mean notes. I'm glad you said that because I was going to say right before this, like, hey, if you're gonna add it back, why don't you add it back and just have you can set limits on it? Like there are apps where it'll only let you use Instagram for so long a day or whatever.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and then I'm like, no, delete.
SPEAKER_02No. Well, that's what I was gonna suggest. It's like, well, why don't you do it and just say, hey, 30 minutes a day is my limit. But I guess what you're saying is yeah, that doesn't.
SPEAKER_01You're better than me. And when I and I mean that in a good way, like I'm not sure I could do that.
SPEAKER_02I was gonna I was suge I was gonna suggest that for you. But then you explained why that really won't work.
SPEAKER_01It really wouldn't work because like if if it's that strong of an urge, the I didn't buy a I looked into get it like bricking my phone, and I'm like, another capitalistic bullshit, like another app, another thing. I don't need another thing to manage my time. And so I did the like time limits, put in your passcode to get through it, no problem. Addiction's way stronger than a pass. I'm like, there. I was about to say it out loud, but zero, it's basically one, one, one, one. Like, that's good enough for me. Um and I'm back in.
SPEAKER_02Is there no way to give that to the a third party where it's like you don't have the code, but like if I'm having to do that, we've got a real problem on our hands.
SPEAKER_00Well, and I think that what I've learned, I haven't done it with social media, but what I did learn about the TV aspect, for instance, or plugging my phone up is like it was a lot easier because my environment changed, right? So, like the change of my environment is I'm not at the lake anymore. I'm in Birmingham. Okay, so I have this whole new space. I can decide to build new habits here because this is new. So like it's been really easy. Just don't have TV. Not that I'm not watching Ted Lasso when I want to or whatever, but I'm gonna watch it on an uncomfortable little iPad. I'm not gonna go on a I'm gonna work for I'm gonna have to squint, put them glasses on. Um, but the same thing goes for like I walk miles and miles and miles now because I can walk to restaurants, I can walk to coffee shops, I can walk to the botanical garden with clay. Clay's clear and and clay. I could, but he he didn't. But anyways, but you did. Um But I think that environmental change can really help. For instance, my grandmother would still lift her tits in the car. She would still adjust her glasses, but then she would open and close her purse. Stop. I'm not joking, wafting out the smell of coffee. Um, because that's where she kept her money was in a coffee tin. That's so great.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00It's in the book.
SPEAKER_01So it it's not that like our ritualistic little things are bad or wrong. I love that. Yes. And we all have them. Like when I don't have my glasses on and I have on my contacts, I'll go like this, and then I'm like, there's nothing there. Like we are creatures of habit. So my therapeutic plea is this is notice is this regulating you in some way? And maybe some people listening are like, yeah, I can compartmentalize. I do it. Your dad obviously wasn't a hair addict, you know. Like I was set up genetically for this. Um, and like social media doesn't care about you. Like, they don't care about social media is not gonna miss you. No, no, I mean like the creators of right. But also, social media is not gonna miss you. By the way, phone like call a friend, go on a walk. Um the creators aren't like, I feel like I have siloed her content to really. Really negative things that she's probably like on the autism spectrum and has ADHD, like it will silo you.
SPEAKER_00Then y'all are calling me with your diagnosis. Okay, so back to that. You started this with we're probably have a bigger capacity than we think to deal with something hard without going straight to the internet and diagnosing ourselves and texting our therapist, like, I need an appointment tomorrow. Can you see me? So, in that moment, let's say that comes up. I am stressed, something really hard just happened. And my soothing is I want to text my therapist and be like, Can you get me in like today or tomorrow? What do I do instead?
SPEAKER_01First, you're not in trouble if you do that. You can. If you choose to do something different, I would put your phone away and go for a walk. Maybe
Better Tools Than Scrolling
SPEAKER_0110 minutes. People really struggle, and I'm like, leave your phone and go for a walk. But like we all did use to do that, and we were okay.
SPEAKER_00Let's up and get out there. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So no, no uh headphones or anything, and um like listen to the birds or cars or like whatever, like you live. Um, put it away. So we want to just sensory soothe, regulate as much as you can.
SPEAKER_00What if they want to? What if they type the text out in their notes, but don't send it?
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah. I got plenty of drafts and emails of like, I gotta get this thought out, but I should wait to send it to this person because it sounds like dear diary, not dear who I'm really writing into. Totally do that. And I do think we could identify um a useful time of like this is a crisis. I mean, major loss, major decision that has a deadline. Like, I got a job offer and I have to decide in 48 hours. Do you have time for me? I really need to process through this. Like time limit things. Um, I think that's not crisis, but is a time constraint. Um, like death and loss, like totally tell your therapist, like, we do want to get you in. Um vicarious trauma or like secondary trauma. If something happened to someone you love, you don't know how to support them and you're really struggling with it, totally call a therapist. Um, so to me, that none of those might be a massive crisis, but that is I really need someone sooner than two weeks from now. Um, I think most therapists, I heard on MPR, this was in relation to for veterans, but they're like five weeks is the minimum, usually. I'm not booked five weeks out, but that's wild.
SPEAKER_00That's a long time to have to do that. Especially if you made the hard decision, I want to see a therapist and then to have to wait. Okay, so moving to the next thing, because I think this is important. Um, you were talking about dopamine and how we're or there's I'm dopamine addicted. So if you find yourself lifting them tits, adjusting those glasses, doing that thing, um, what are some tools that we should put in our tool belt? It maybe, because it's not gonna be social media for everyone. I mean, it probably is social media for everyone, but maybe it's something else. Maybe it's texting that really shitty ex-boyfriend and trying to eat out the trash again. Don't eat that, don't eat out the trash.
SPEAKER_01Um, it's getting used to the mundane. So we're so far from being used to the mundane. I've seen a big um swing, and I love it. Like my younger clients, they're like, bring back the 90s, and they weren't born in the 90s, and it's so cute. And I'm like, yeah, let's let's do it. But but I don't know.
SPEAKER_00There's so many things we shouldn't bring back.
SPEAKER_01But go on, but that's young analog. I know. Okay, we've already talked that we're not criticizing her anymore. So um I think that there's this cultural swing to get back to the mundane, and I think it's really wonderful. Um so to me, it's learn how to experience boredom and this we would call it distress tolerance. How do I tolerate something distressing without an action that really doesn't serve me? So if I'm in a distressing place, getting on social media is really not serving me. But, and I'm gonna let some technology slip in here because some people like I could lay in my garden all live long day, and some people really don't like that. So I want to be aware of that. Have y'all seen Zach Gallifanaxis' new show on Netflix?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. The garden, it's a gardening show. It's a gardening show.
SPEAKER_01Shit. I still have gardening, but it doesn't matter if you're a gardener or not for this. Laura, it is the most pure, hilarious thing on television right now. And it's 15-minute episodes. Stop. So that's where technology is a healthy distraction. Like it's pure and true and easy, and I can distract myself, that will regulate you a little bit. So I'm not saying like live in the dark ages and be fine with everything. You have the ability to make a good choice even when we don't feel like we're like we can. That's back to that mindfulness piece we talked about in the last episode. If I wander off, can I bring myself back? Y'all, our phones have made us feel like we don't have choice and I have to do this. No, we don't. Do something else.
SPEAKER_00And I think too, just something, and this is something I'm learning. There's a real tendency when something really big or hard has happened. When you do feel like, oh my gosh, I need to text my therapist, I've got to get in, or you want to pick up that phone. If you can give yourself a minute to not think about it, to give yourself like, hey, this is really big and hard. I'm gonna give myself a little bit of a break. I'm gonna go for that walk. I'm not gonna look at my phone. I'm not gonna call my tier one and ruminate in this. It's crazy how that space can give you so much perspective and it not feel as big as it does if you just double down and keep talking about it and keep calling people about it and blog about it, whatever.
SPEAKER_01You're right. And we do say phone a friend, phone a friend, phone a friend. And there's this really lovely place to pause because I used to overphone a friend. Like and I can picture, and I'm not mad at myself for it, but like when I was really probably like 20, 21, too, when I went through a lot of hard stuff, I really depended on you a lot. Thank God that you were able to do it.
SPEAKER_00But like I wanted to- You said 21, 22, and I wish I knew you then, but you mean 31, 32, right? 2000, the year. Oh, okay, yes. 21 and 22. Okay, got it. I was like, Claire, how cool would it have been if we knew each other then?
SPEAKER_01I think we would have gone to jail. No, 100. We wouldn't. I don't think it's if we didn't meet.
SPEAKER_00We'd probably still be in jail. With Clay. Clay would be, I don't know, where would he be?
SPEAKER_01With Clay. Foster care. Okay. So it's a blessing. We didn't. I meant the year. Okay. I really did depend on you, and I probably fed your like, you can fix it. And you really did save the day for me a lot.
SPEAKER_00I will arbitrary timeline you. We will get, we will get it. You need a dining room table.
SPEAKER_01It is two-day shopping, honey. We'll have it. But I really wouldn't have had a place to eat. So you really did help me. But I also um developed a habit of if I feel really bad, call somebody and dump it all out. And so that is like a quick ring out of like a sponge, but it is gonna come back and I'm to lifting my tits again, okay? So there's you might be overdependent, but it's so empowering to pause and like put the phone down and go for a walk. And do I really need this right now? So I will say I've had a couple instances recently where I got kind of a, hey, I really need to talk to you. And I just didn't have it on my schedule because I will accommodate those texts, of course, um, from a client. And I'll say, I can get you in on this day, and it's typically a week or two later. Every time that has happened, the client has said, I'm so glad you couldn't get me in. I figured
Therapist Boundaries And 988 Reality Checks
SPEAKER_01it out and more developed. Like I figured it out, and then these things happen. So we have to can we process this? This is a better use of my time. And so sometimes it's just like a gift from the universe of I can't get you in. And you have an opportunity to do it. And if you're a therapist listening, I will give you a little advice. I used to think they're in crisis, they need me. I gotta move some stuff around. I gotta move some stuff around. Like, I won't eat lunch today. Sometimes I still do that, but I won't eat lunch today and I'll get them in, I'll eat in between sessions. You are not you're subsidizing care. At that point, you are not serving your client. And if it's an they can go to a hospital and call 911, which you're not equipped for. Wait, they can call what? They can call 988. 988. Yeah. So like if there's an emergency, like I am not a crisis worker. And I want to remind therapists that like we are not crisis workers. There are crisis workers that are going to be more equipped and more efficient than us. Is 988 988 national?
SPEAKER_02It is national, but it will, if available, ring the local first.
SPEAKER_01That's incredible. So like I think therapists also have to, we uh we have to be accountable. I don't have to accommodate everything. I'm not going to show up for them. They're writing me a check. I wish they're writing me checks. They aren't. They're I'm swiping their credit cards, and I might not be well suited for that in that moment, and they might be able to figure it out, which is a gift to the therapeutic relationship, anyways.
SPEAKER_00Well, and you set an unrealistic expectation with a client. If every time they're in an emergency, you can accommodate them, especially if everything feels like an emergency.
SPEAKER_01And it's just an ego boost to me. I'm like, they need me, and I'll accommodate. You know I love that. And it's all their pits up.
SPEAKER_02I'm gonna have to start tipping y'all if you keep that up.
SPEAKER_01Sorry. So inappropriate. Um, okay, I really felt like I just preached a sermon. It felt good though. It really felt good to get it out.
SPEAKER_00And um, just to end things before it gets
Church Volunteer Chaos And Nipple Covers
SPEAKER_00weird and too far away from the story, I do have a quick funny story. I volunteered. I started going to a new church in Birmingham. Uh, first church, I really love it. And um, I have no small children, but decided to volunteer for the Easter egg hunt. This is obviously Easter, and I was at the carrot toss station. With real carrots? No, no, they were little um sewn like sweet burlap carrots. So it was really sweet. And you tossed them into the bunny's mouth and his tummy. That's really cute. I know it was really cute. And I was obviously fan favorite of all the little kids, and I was so excited because they were all so cute. And I was wearing just like a smock dress, like loose fitting dress with a little scarf, and I was like, yes. And it was warm, very warm, actually. Um, and nipple covers, as one does, you know, they need a bra. Just stick.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, in case you might not have used those. Well, um, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Well, what uh pasties?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, kind of, sure, kind of were they silicone or the band-aid material? These are the silicone ones.
SPEAKER_02Okay, I use the uh band-aid pasties for running, for distance running.
SPEAKER_01Okay, just don't want to get chafed.
SPEAKER_02So painful. So incredibly painful.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And so uh this isn't for chafing, it's for appropriate things at church. Yeah, exactly. No nips out in church.
SPEAKER_00No nips out. And um a child was just doing so good, made it into the belly. I was bending down, and it was a little warm, kind of sweaty. And uh one of the nipple covers just flopped on the ground like a fish, fell off the bottom of my dress. And I have never felt more anxious to get that thing up off the ground, shoved it in my pocket, looked over his act, I was like, I've got to run to the restroom. And I'm sure he thought I was like emergency about to like shit my pants or something. Um, but nope, just felt a little weird about that. They're pretty sticky. Did it get any dirt? So this is a mistake, just a rookie mistake. These were not the kind with adhesive, they were the kind that stick to your body because they're way which is You're not gonna want a free-flowing dress. You don't want to free flow anything with that. So um just uh that's just a little piece of advice. You know, maybe make sure you're using the adhesive ones that really hurt when you pull them off. Yes. If you're gonna be wearing a dress, a free-flowy dress to church activities because they will fall off. You can take that to the bank.
SPEAKER_02One headlight shining.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and just and then I was just left out. Where's my phone?
SPEAKER_02This this is a gardening show, is what it's called.
SPEAKER_00This is a gardening show. Please watch it. Okay, I'm gonna watch it. I will report back with all of my spare time. I laughed so hard my abs hurt. And that's
Where To Follow And How To Get Help
SPEAKER_00the best. Hey, by the way, if you are not, if you have not tuned in on YouTube, please do that because we have some fun interviews. Um, one's already up with Olivia Stewart of The Optimist Pilates, but we also have some really fun ones that are gonna be sprinkling out into episodes over the next couple of months.
SPEAKER_01Before you cut bangs is hosted by Lara Quick and Claire Fearman and produced by Will Lockhamade.
SPEAKER_00Follow along with us everywhere. Please subscribe to the podcast, find us on Instagram. We're constantly doing polls. We want to know what you think. And I know that you probably know this, but reviewing us and giving us five stars matters more than anything, and we are so grateful to have you here.
SPEAKER_01We talk so much on the podcast about seeking therapy, getting help, finding resources. I would love to be able to help you with that. My website is up and running and beautiful. It is goodgrowthwithclaire.com. So, whether you're in the state of Alabama or not, I want to be able to help direct you to the right resources. Goodgrowthwithclaire.com.
