3.21 Why Do We Freak Out?

Ever get a text that says, "I'm not okay," and suddenly your heart is racing, you're planning a rescue mission, and your brain has already imagined the worst? This week, we unpack why the people we love can send our nervous systems into overdrive. From a surprisingly relatable story about bee stings to the psychology of urgency, we explore why fixing, planning, and over-checking often say more about our own anxiety than the situation in front of us.

Claire and Laura break down the difference between caring, controlling, and caretaking, why our brains invent worst-case scenarios to feel safe, and how monitoring someone else's moods can quietly become an unhealthy pattern. Along the way, they share practical tools for pausing before you rescue, setting healthier boundaries, supporting teenagers and loved ones without carrying their burdens, and recognizing when giving someone space is actually the most loving thing you can do. If you've ever felt responsible for someone else's emotions, this conversation will leave you feeling seen—and better equipped to respond with calm instead of panic.

Transcript

Bee Stings And Adult Pain

SPEAKER_02 0:01

Welcome to Before You Cut Bangs.

SPEAKER_00 0:02

I'm Laura Quick. I'm a professional storyteller and I'm writing my first book. And I'm Claire Fearman. I'm a therapist, but not your therapist. Full disclaimer: take what you like, leave the rest. I would like to know the last time everyone was stung by a bee. Because I was stung the other day and it felt like you don't scrape your knee in adulthood. You know what I mean? Like it's like a kid injury. Or unless you're me, because I do scrape my knee. Okay, I haven't had a skinned knee in 30 something years. I have in the last 30 days, but go on. Sung by a bee on my hand. Uh-huh. That shit hurts, by the way. Yep. And that was Monday. Today is Wednesday. I look like I have a fake fat hand on. You do look like you're wearing one of those. I don't have knuckles anymore. And they itch, itch so badly. So I can't record today.

SPEAKER_02 1:09

Oh no, you're stuck. You're stuck. Um, I the last time I was stung by bee, I decided that I was gonna record some content. Oh my gosh, I do remember that. And I set up a tripod to record myself like writing. To, you know, I was gonna, who knows? Something I would never like collect all this content, do nothing with it. The moment I sat down, I was swinging on a swing, and underneath the swing was obviously some sort of nest. They were hornets, not bees.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

Way worse.

SPEAKER_02 1:41

And it stung my hand, same thing though. And it on video, I'll post it. When this episode comes out, I'll just put a little nugget out there for you guys of me like losing my mind. And I was like, it hurts, but to no one to like.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Oh, I was at the pool and I went to the lifeguard stand holding my hand like it was broken. I was like, Do you have cortisone cream? And they're 11 basically. And they're like, we have something called antibiotic ointment. And I'm like, no, that's like neospor. No, just get out of here. Did they crane you in stings? Because they should. And I just stuck my hand in the pool. And one of my friends was like, Are you allergic? I was like, probably. Well, honestly, with it still being swollen, you probably are a little allergic. Well, I think we were concerned about like anaphylaxis.

SPEAKER_02 2:28

Oh, good. You know, and I'll you would know that pretty quickly.

SPEAKER_00 2:30

I think so too. I was like, Am I? Do you think I am? And then I just sat like this in the pool. But yeah, I think I don't know that that's normal. What about you?

SPEAKER_03 2:39

And fire ants hurt too. Like, I mean, that's the thing is like the bees, the hornets, the wasps, fire ants. To me, it's all about the same miserable. It is miserable.

SPEAKER_00 2:48

Is the south worse? Like, do other places have fire ants? Please write in and tell us.

SPEAKER_03 2:53

Leave, I'm not, yeah, I'm not 100% on that. I think so though. Uh well, I the last time would have been a few years ago cutting the grass, but the actual story that I wanted to tell was so my grandparents had a farm and I worked at the farm. So I would bush hog, I'd drive the tractor and like you know, bushog the fields and whatever.

SPEAKER_02 3:08

He's very handy, in case you were wondering.

SPEAKER_03 3:10

And I was 15, I'm pretty sure 15 or 16 when this happened. But uh, you know, yellow jackets, which are hornets, they dig in the grass. And so I ran over a yellow jacket nest and had no idea. And so then you have to go like a mile, right? On a tractor, which takes a long time. And so once I made the lap and came back around, they were waiting. They were mad and waiting. And so then they started to attack. Like multiple. Oh, yeah. And I jump off. I was only stung like once or twice. I jump off of the tractor and run for where we have a big pond. And I'm like running for the pond because knowing they're chasing me. And then I realized the tractor is just still going. Which tractors, I don't know if you guys knew about this, they're not cheap.

unknown 3:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:52

Oh no, they're very expensive.

SPEAKER_03 3:54

Very expensive. And so I'm like, I have to run back and stop the tractor. And I run back, and as I get to it, they're stinging the seat of the tractor. They're all and so I jump on and it once and then I got stung in the eye. Yeah. What? Stop the tractor.

SPEAKER_02 4:10

I don't like our stuff at all.

SPEAKER_00 4:11

I wish I hadn't shared my hand story of this morning.

SPEAKER_02 4:14

Now that seems you can't record. Poor Bill almost died as a child. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_01 4:21

All right. What do we got?

Why We Spiral With Loved Ones

SPEAKER_02 4:22

Hey Claire, why are we why do we freak out when people we love are spinning out?

SPEAKER_00 4:27

Why does that happen? Well, set the tone, and some people don't also as a channel.

SPEAKER_02 4:35

I promise you, they're not listening to this episode.

SPEAKER_00 4:38

I'm just kidding. Unrelatable. Move on.

SPEAKER_02 4:41

Um, okay. Why is it, and I would say this is historical for me. This kind of came up just because I was thinking back and I had I've visited with lots of people over the summer that I haven't seen in a long time. And it just kind of reminded me of like a version of myself that I do remember. But I think that typically there is a core group of humans in your life that just by getting a text from them that their day is not great, that you could immediately feel so like, oh my gosh, well, they're now I'm worried about them. Now I'm like, I am while they're freaking out or while they're spinning out, I'm kind of like on their behalf, or a historical version of me, I don't do this that often anymore. It does still happen, mostly with clay. But fix it. Well, or just make a plan. That's what I would do. I don't think that's what everybody does. I think some people might just dip into commiserate, or um maybe they they have high empathy for that person or this small group of people, typically your closest people, these are the people that you struggle to not spin with them while they're spinning.

SPEAKER_00 5:56

Um, okay, so I have a lot to say, but from different perspectives.

Fixing Vs Caretaking Motivations

SPEAKER_00 6:00

Okay. Everyone, when they start to spin, fix, plan, help, commiserate, there's different motivation types, I think. So some people's motivation is this is so uncomfortable that if I insert myself, I can reduce the friction. Like, so the motivation is let me get in here to calm this down because it's I'm so uncomfortable. Do you do that?

SPEAKER_03 6:33

I well, you know what I'm my answer is gonna be is I back away slowly. I know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:37

So and he's like, call call me if you need anything, but don't call me also like 911 first. Like it, like I'm after an emergency call. Um, so I think that is a motivation. Um, my motivation is a little bit different. Um, oh this is called the vulnerability corner today. Um, it isn't about discomfort. It is like um it's a little bit more caretakery. Yeah um it feels good to feel needed. Um, I can avoid my own stuff if I'm focusing on your stuff. I love to avoid my stuff while medicating in your things. So the difference in the two, because they sound different. I mean, they sound similar, is motivation over here is more peacemaking and conflict avoidant. Yeah. So, like, how do we tidy this up? And then oh to avoid pain also. And then mine is allow me to involve myself beyond what you ever asked for, right? I would I would love, I've made a five-point strategy already. Yeah, so you and I have ours look different, but I think the motivation is pretty similar. Uh-huh. Um, and we can put our stuff on a shelf, a back burner, whatever, and like we are here with you. And I think to a degree that probably feels good to some people. And then eventually they're like, like, I'm okay. Yes. Or too much. I'm good.

SPEAKER_02 8:05

Okay, so in this vein, I've heard through the years. So, for instance, I've mentored a lot of young girls, which is kind of hilarious because after writing this book, I'm like, who would ever take advice from me? But alas, they show up and I do my best. Um, a young relationship, so like super early 20s, this is the person I think I want to spend the rest of my life with. There can be a ton of anxiety of like that person texts me and I feel like I have to respond right away. I don't want them to think I'm not paying attention to them. And that could be like early in the dating phase. And then the the counter, the opposite, the grown-up version of this, something I hear over and over again, are women who show up and say, anytime I'm venting about a hard thing to my significant other, my spouse, my husband, whatever, they want to fix it for me. And really, I'm just looking for like, I don't want them to fix it. And so again, is that a love thing? Or we're talking about have we left ourselves and we've stepped into the hula hoop of the other person?

SPEAKER_00 9:17

So this is really timely.

Urgency Culture And Anxiety Stories

SPEAKER_00 9:20

I was in a training over the weekend and they had different panels of Enneagram types. So they had all nine numbers and they asked each group, like let's say it was a group of Enneagram type sevens. Um, they would ask them a series of questions and then they'd put in the ones and ask them the same questions, and all of the answers were so different, even though the questions were the same. So I think that will feel like you'll have to, if you're listening to the, well, you are listening. Hey, um, as you're listening to this, guys. I think I'm gonna try to give multiple like angles of this to see what you connect to. So what you described to me is a sense of urgency. And only some people feel a sense of urgency of like, should I text back? Did they text back? Should I reach out? Should I not reach out? Is that what you were asking about the early 20s?

SPEAKER_02 10:14

Well, the early 20s, and then to correlate that to me as a grown-up, I remember this is so lame. Not too long ago, within the last couple of years, I would go grocery shop for my family. And no one was like, How long are you gonna be at the grocery store? No one asked that. No one was like, What time is dinner? But while I'm at the grocery store, I would feel like I needed to hurry up. I need to get back. Like, and I think there is again, it was like, we're out of all these things and I have to hurry and get there. So, like, it's the same underlying, like when this girl was telling me, when he texts me, I feel this pressure that I have to like I get nervous if I look at my phone and I realize I missed a text from him in 30 minutes. I'm like, well, you might want to dig into that a little more. That feels not good. But do those come from the same place? Like the anxiousness that you feel or the hurry up, the sense of urgency, the pressure when it comes to people we love.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

Well, why? Like, if you can go back to the grocery store, could you like name the anxiety?

SPEAKER_02 11:21

I think I thought people were waiting on me. You were needed somewhere. I was needed somewhere, and that I need to hurry up. And like I did the grocery shopping, so it's kind of on me. Like, we're out of a bunch of stuff, and it's like people are waiting around. Like, where are the dino nuggets?

SPEAKER_00 11:38

But what's the real like the reality was what their asses could go to the grocery store themselves. Or they like were like, whatever. I mean they literally have were never like, well, where were you? Where's my mom? Like fine. Okay. Um, so yes, it's the same thing. Most people, I think, in today's culture do experience a sense of urgency because we've just been like bred by the phones at this point to experience that sense of urgency. And the biggest way to tell the difference is if it's needed or not, is it's like we get this constricted feeling. Like you could probably picture yourself in the grocery store and imagine this like constricted body or constricted heart. When we feel like that, I can't say that it's usually gonna turn out well. Like there's a story paired with it, like they need me.

SPEAKER_02 12:30

Oh, well, I now know where that came from. And I don't feel that way ever. Ever. Do you want to elaborate? I mean, I think that there was well, I haven't really unpacked this, so maybe you can help me with that. I just know that it's not happening now. Okay. So, right, so like that version of me that felt that had created these narratives that if I do all these things right, things will stay in order.

SPEAKER_00 12:57

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 12:58

Okay. So I think it was that version of me that believed there needed to be this very specific order, and the order, you're gonna you're not gonna believe this, was arbitrary and in my brain. I made it up. Um, I know that's shocking for anyone who's been listening uh for a while, but now I realize that was fake news and that no one gives a shit.

SPEAKER_00 13:22

But what you're describing that is so human is when we feel that constriction, urgency, fear because of whatever the scenario is, then the brain's like, allow me to write a story about this that is likely not true, and then a behavior comes out of it. Why does our brain write a story that's not true? Well, I think it's a survival mechanism. Like it's like I should probably make sense of this. This feels bad. This is why it makes sense, and then this is the behavior that comes after. So as I listen to women's stories or Will's, I'm just kidding. Some men sometimes. Um uh it's all I hate saying always, um, sometimes, usually. It was a way we needed to protect ourselves. Were you looking at my fat hand?

SPEAKER_02 14:08

I literally was just looking at your fat hand. It is it is alarmingly larger than the other one. Okay, well, don't ever call me out on that. That was I was observing it.

SPEAKER_03 14:15

I feel you should have lied. You should have been like, no, I was looking at your watch. Your watch is so cute.

SPEAKER_02 14:20

That's the wrong hand.

SPEAKER_03 14:22

I know, but she saw me.

SPEAKER_00 14:24

Okay, don't lose what you're saying. That was so good. And don't look at my nutty professor hand. You really do have a nutty professor hand. That's what it reminds me of.

SPEAKER_03 14:33

And uh we're gonna need to get a close-up on the camera at some, but anyway, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 14:38

We're gonna need to get an ice pack, okay? And I can't take Benadryl because it makes me way too loopy. Anyways, as you're listening and you're like, oh, I do that. Oh, like I those cringy things that we do, they were developed to protect the part of ourselves that we like. Laura, you like to be a partner, you like to be a mother.

SPEAKER_02 14:59

And I like, I also don't like letting people down. It's my totally. It's like the worst case scenario. So to think that somebody didn't have a snack that they needed. Exactly. I could not imagine.

SPEAKER_00 15:13

And so there were other things going on in your life at that time. And so, grocery store, like what a good way to like control this one piece of the environment.

SPEAKER_02 15:24

Yes. And maybe it was like, oh, dang, come on, you can get this one thing right.

SPEAKER_00 15:29

There's

The Pause Before You Rescue

SPEAKER_00 15:30

some stuff going on in in my friend group, like details don't don't matter for this, and it's a friend group, and that feels sacred in private. Um, and I got real involved, um, super clear to the rescue because I know all these things. Um, and like it it likely wasn't helpful. And one of my girlfriends texted me and was like, Well, now, like, what's our next step? Which would just tee you and I up to be like, don't worry.

SPEAKER_02 15:58

Hello, let me have a scroll here.

SPEAKER_00 16:01

And I felt that constriction that like I'm about to sit in your lap with my energy, and I pulled back and paused. Y'all know I love that pause. And my response was, I guess we just sit with it. And she was like, She's in Enneagram seven, which like they're like, I don't want to look at these things. She was like, perfect. Um, and so what I would tell anybody, whether it's like new romantic partner you're texting, or um, somebody's in need and I want to get involved, pause. When we pause, it's am I in my survival instincts or am I using my gifts for good? Because all these things, like, I know that I can be helpful. We know that you can make a plan. But in the moment is, am I using my gift for good? Can I pull back and see what the motivation is and see if I'm needed? Is this too theoretical or am I making sense?

SPEAKER_02 16:56

No, I mean, my new filter for fixing things is unless you're paying me, I shouldn't be fixing it. Like, unless you have paid me for a strategy, I probably shouldn't offer my services to you or push them on you for free. Well, okay, I think sorry. No, no, no.

Checking In Without Crossing Lines

SPEAKER_02 17:15

I was gonna say, let's talk about the signs because I think I want to make sure there are not so some signs that you may be too invested in someone you love. Um, the internet said constantly checking on someone. So over-checking on them. What constitutes over-checking on them? If they're a tier one friend or your partner or even your child, what is too much checking in?

SPEAKER_00 17:42

Ooh, child is different than friend or partner, I think. But um I would agree with that. Like, who else is gonna do it? I think this is a really, I want to be delicate with this answer. Um, I asked someone the other day, I said, Am I stepping on your toes or does this feel good to you? And she said it feels good to me because I was worried about something.

SPEAKER_02 18:08

Well, a little sexual, but I'm into it.

unknown 18:11

Damn it.

SPEAKER_02 18:14

Definitely was like displayed. It's a histamine response.

SPEAKER_00 18:18

I mean, I think I was trying to be emotional and tender. Okay. I think you're doing great. Is this too much? Is I guess what I should have said. Maybe I did say that. Um, I had someone check on me and she's like, I want to check on you every day, but I'm trying to like rein myself in. And I'm like, Yeah, you're good. So I think it that's tier one. Like feeling this out. Hey, this is what I want to do. Is that okay? Um, if I'm trying to just soothe myself, is usually when I need to like pause and back up and rein that in a little bit. Um, with kids, like parents, like we just like know, we know. But I do think if you have this open line of communication, your kids will come to you. Like they'll come torts. I want to have a caveat to not kids, to friends. I have a lot of very emotional people in my life. Like kidding.

SPEAKER_02 19:14

Who are they? Say their names. This is so locking.

SPEAKER_01 19:19

Sorry, guys.

SPEAKER_00 19:21

Actually, I will I think you will connect to this. So um I'm drawn to those people. I wrote about it the other day where I'm like, let me see into your soul so I feel like we love each other, you know. And some people are like, I thought we were just having coffee or whatever. Um, I like depth um and like realness. And I also like can be fine at a cocktail party. But um, I don't necessarily struggle with like people that are more up here. That doesn't mean they lack depth. It means that they're just like, that's not how they connect. They might connect in other ways. So I heard this the other day. I was talking to a woman or hearing from a woman. She was on one of these panels and she was like, I'm like a cat. Like, let me come to you. I still need connection. I don't like it. Like, if you're coming at me with like, are you good? Are you good? Are you good? It is like a wall-up for this person. I don't even know her name. And she was like, But if you allow for me to have some breathing room, that breathing room tells me you're safe and I'll come to you when I'm ready. Yeah, that doesn't naturally occur to me.

SPEAKER_02 20:31

It's really interesting because when Clay, you know, when when we were crafting this issue, this episode, I was like, I remember when Clay moved to Nashville. You also remember. I was very concerned. Um, and it was a relentless pursuit of making sure he was okay to the point where finally, when we did have a real conversation, he was like, I need you to back off and let me figure this out. And, you know, he was 19, he was living in a really big city, he had never done anything like this before. I was concerned as a mom that I had taught him nothing. And I'm like, you will probably be, you know, and he literally was there for less than a year and he had a gun pulled on him for being too friendly and, you know, humming Billy Holiday at his favorite coffee shop. I'm like, you gotta shut the hell up with that, you know? Don't do that to people with guns, Clay. They don't love it. But, anyways, my point in saying that is I remember I was going so hard after him. And I I will say recently I have a lot of friends who have kids who are leaving the nest and listening to them like, oh, well, I'm gonna be checking to see if they are in their dorm by this time and they will lose this, this, and this. And I'm literally like, hey, as someone who tried to hold on super tight, you will lose them. And by the way, there is a way for them to like fake their way through all that stuff. So you can do that. If you want, that's a lot of energy. What if your energy was better spent just trying to build a relationship with them in this new season?

SPEAKER_03 22:08

Yeah, that's 100% my parenting style. We've talked about those. But that like dialogue, trust, yeah. Because if you don't have that, they can still do what they want to do. You're just not going to know about it.

SPEAKER_02 22:20

Well, we're raising grown people. That's the goal. They become grown people. So if you're still micromanaging, when they make their way to whatever their next step is after school, but if they're living separate from you, you have to let them figure out how to live separate than you.

Parenting Without Holding Too Tight

SPEAKER_00 22:35

I think you're talking about caring versus, I don't know, comfort, connection. Um, so I think that difference is if I'm carrying you, whether it's emotionally holding too much for you, doing too much for you, I'm taking away your opportunity to move all the way through it. I'm not talking about a four-year-old child. I'm talking about a teenager, college age, friendship, partner all the way through. And I always tell my clients, if they're struggling with like if they come in and they're talking about someone else only, this person, this person, this person, and they're so scared. If they do this, they'll do something bad will happen. I'm like, give that person the honor of moving through their own story. We have to let them move through their own story. And I have with my youngest, I have babied him so bad. He's so cute though.

SPEAKER_02 23:33

How could you not? How could you not? I still want him to curl up on my lap. I hold him all the time.

SPEAKER_00 23:42

The other day we were holding hands walking, and someone we don't know is walking down the street. He was like, let go, let go. And I was like, okay. I was like, but we don't even know them. Um but the other day, like I've taught my daughter she can unload the dishwasher. She can, like, she's capable. Um, with my son. And what's, you know, I owe my mother an immense. I'm like, you baby Michael, that's my brother. I used to call him titty boy when we were growing up because I was like, you're a bitch, because you love your mom so much. And now I've done it. Okay. You are her. But my brother is highly capable. He made it just fine. He can do everything. Uh, I am her. Yes, I am Steph. Um the other day. I was like, all right, Gus, the um I've taken out the trash and now I would like you to put a new trash bag in. And he was like, What? And I was like, Yes, this is where we keep them. And he's like, like, could not, was like super frustrated. And I was like, I don't like to see him in discomfort.

SPEAKER_02 24:48

I have a book recommendation that really changed my life, and it's called Iron John. And it talks about the historical nature of what it means to raise a man and how they really need separation from their mom around 12 or 13. But like this like idea that they back in the day, they used from a tribal perspective, like men at the age of almost puberty, puberty would go out into the woods and do all these like rituals to become a man, to learn how to live away from their mother. And then they come back, and it's great. As long as they come a man, they come back. But I read that because when I sent Clay to boarding school, I got shamed pretty hardcore. Um, because we live in the South, and people would be like, Oh my God, hell, are you away from your child? I mean, he's only 12. And I was like, Well, it was this, or he was gonna become a heroin dealer. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 25:43

So singing Billy Holiday in front of me.

SPEAKER_02 25:45

Exactly. And it was time. And I didn't have support. I didn't have a tribe. I didn't, his dad really wasn't super active. And for me, it was the only option that felt like enough support. And I was struggling so bad and feeling so bad that I'd made the wrong decision. That a friend sent me that book. And I realized, like, wow, being around a lot of dudes, he lived in a guy dorm. He lived with a bunch of monks, which probably wasn't on brand for clay, but like, whatever. It was great. He argued with a religion teacher every day, and he literally still to this day holds the record for the most detentions ever given at the school. He's like famous there. Um, but I really think that again, like, are we talking about because the next question on here is um signs you may be too invested. One of

Eggshells And Mood Monitoring Patterns

SPEAKER_02 26:40

them is um checking on someone too much, or but the next one, and I'm shifting away from kids now, monitoring someone's moods. Oh, because I because I do want to say if that is where you are, you are in an unhealthy dynamic. If you have to monitor someone's mood.

SPEAKER_00 27:02

Why do we monitor people's moods?

SPEAKER_02 27:05

Well, normally because we've we're in a codependent space and um we bel the floor is covered in eggshells, and we must. To navigate the environment, we must monitor someone else's and then mitigate their mood. And that typically, if you end up there, you probably grew up in a household where that was your job. Because I did. That's right. And I'm really good at it. I will, I will perform, I'll do whatever it takes to get things back on track. Oh, you're having a bad day. Let me do a little down. I made you a snack.

SPEAKER_00 27:41

Do you want to take a trip? Like, exactly. So like we learn in childhood, like, or some of us do, are we good? Are you good? Is he good? Because if he's good, then she's good and I'm good. So we're there's a huge safety component to this or emotional safety component to this. And so then we become adults, and I learn how to make my mood your mood, or make your mood better, or carry all of it. And the other day, um, or like a month ago, I was at dinner and one of my girlfriends was like, she was like, You just have the patience of Job. And I'm like, characteristic, like I have no idea. And then I'm like, oh my gosh, yes, yes. Job lost everything. Job got screwed. Okay, it's a really dark story. So I go to therapy, and I'm like, Well, Grace, my friends say that I have the patience of Job. And she's like, No, I find you to be incredibly impatient, but have an incredibly high tolerance for other people's shit. And I was like, that was rude. And I liked the patience part better. And I do think both are like true. I do think I have high tolerance and I do think I have high patience. I think her point was where has that become like this survival mechanism where I'm willing to hold and hold and hold and tolerate and tolerate and tolerate until I'm like nothing. Where are my values? Where's my life? Where is it that I want? So like if you disappear totally. And I know how to do that. I will stick with people till the bitter end of everything.

SPEAKER_02 29:24

I did not know that about myself. And it's weird because I can this kind of like looking back in retrospect is where you see things. But like a lot of what I realized is in the closest relationships to me, and this comes from a place that I've recently uncovered. My grandfather, I, God almighty, loved him. He is who I say is my angel if I'm, you know, in a group therapy session. What I have uncovered walking a many a mile, drinking a many iced coffee, some mediocre and some really good over these last four months of writing, is that my grandfather was the first man to really like make me feel special and loved, which is really kind. But what also was true about him is that he was mean to everyone, except for me. And so what that created in me was a belief that I could choose really people who were mean to other people, but that they would be good to me. And I did it, and I think we all have some version of that. And again, it's not, you know, I'm so grateful for the way he loved me and chose me, but it also created this weird idea in my brain of what a healthy man might look like. Like I would kind of be like, even in my work, I would love to be like the chosen one on a team where everybody else is getting treated like crap or trash in a culture. And I would be like, I don't know what y'all are talking about. I'm having a great time, make a lot of money. It's great. People were like, really? We wouldn't all yeet ourselves off the top of this building. But I think like those patterns keep showing up, right? Like we bring them with us. Okay, so if you're monitoring other people's moods, that's bad. That's bad. If that's where you're doing, if you're checking on someone, then you might want to check your boundaries, right? But if you're monitoring someone's mood, if a woman is listening to this and she's like, ooh, I'm doing that. I am sweeping up eggshells every day, and I am um my am I okay is based on if this other person, whether it's a friend or a spouse or even a child, what would you tell her?

SPEAKER_00 31:37

If it's a friend, why are you friends with that person? Okay. Like that sounds very firm, but like if I'm sweeping up eggshells in a friendship, people do it all the time.

SPEAKER_02 31:52

I couldn't. But you've been friends with them forever and you don't know how to like break up with them. And we we've we have go back and review.

SPEAKER_00 32:00

Go back to break up the friendship breakup episode. Still number one listen to it. If you're doing that with your spouse, that is likely historical for both of you. Go to a couples therapist, but more like pragmatically, I guess before that is when you sense eggshells, go back to that piece where I said that contraction.

Soften The Story Your Brain Writes

SPEAKER_00 32:20

Like, am I going and behaving from that place, or can I let that air out and settle in? Like, so the order of operations, this will be the third time I've said it today, is like I get some information, maybe it's the eggshell, and instead of reacting, I breathe and I settle in and I do something different. Same thing on a lower scale. If I send somebody a text and they don't respond immediately, good for them, by the way. Maybe they aren't looking at their phone. I hope not. Don't be looking at your phone.

SPEAKER_02 32:54

Best thing I've ever done is stop sleeping with my phone in the bedroom. Best thing ever.

SPEAKER_00 32:57

Yo, 9.99 on Amazon, get a clock. It's they work, turns out. It's crazy. Analog right now.

SPEAKER_02 33:04

You can do it. I love it. It's gonna be great.

SPEAKER_00 33:06

So much. I don't like the color I got. It's a little more turquoise than I anticipated. But um, so shit. Oh, sorry. Inform I took, I could took you straight out of it. Information comes in, in oh, the text, the text. I send someone a text. Maybe it's a little vulnerable, but maybe it's like, I would love to go on a walk with you this week, and they don't answer. And then so constriction, and I go into like I knew they didn't like me because at that dinner party I said that stupid thing. And then two hours later, they're like, oh my gosh, sorry. I was at my kids' dance recital, and you're like, Oh, I'm fine. So you have retrained even harder that I don't get to relax until I get, oh, no problem. You're still good. There's that fat hand. I know. I'm literally like looking at it. Don't look down. I can't look at it. So the work is don't stay constricted until you get a response. Learn how to soften whether you get the response or not. Like, what if you're with your partner and you have to have a hard conversation and you're scared they're going to become defensive? That's really common in marriages. That doesn't mean it's bad. So instead of avoiding it, it's like, I'm going to allow them the experience of being defensive and I'm going to live.

SPEAKER_02 34:21

Well, I think that that's like the main thing that I've learned through the years. Like, none of these fit things, these discomfort or moments of discomfort are not fatal. So, like, if you can learn that you're going to live through whatever the thing is, the hard conversation, your kid not texting you back, them turning off their location, and you really like to like watch them like it's your Netflix show. Um, if it's the friend that's going, I mean, truly, it's you, you or her. When I go out of the country a couple years ago, you'd be like, Well, what are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 34:53

Out of the country, out of the state. That's true.

SPEAKER_02 34:56

How long are you gonna be gone? What are you doing in Mississippi exactly? Why would you ever need to go to Mississippi? Like, that sounds like the most clear thing. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 35:04

I have really relaxed on that. You really have I barely look at find my friends anymore. I appreciate that. Um, that took a lot.

SPEAKER_02 35:11

Okay,

Therapy, Boundaries, And Final Takeaways

SPEAKER_02 35:12

so in closing, what we're saying to you is if you are having a ton of anxiety around the people and the relationships that are closest to you, one you should ask yourself if they're reciprocal. Like if it's a friendship and you're walking on eggshells, maybe go listen to the breakup episode. For your children and your spouse or the person you're doing life with, I would tell you that if this is happening a lot, go to therapy. Yeah, go to therapy. Talk to somebody about it, right? Because you we are supposed to love people well. We are not supposed to carry the people we are loving.

SPEAKER_00 35:49

Before you cut bangs is hosted by Lara Quick and Claire Fearman and produced by Will Lockman. Follow along with us everywhere.

SPEAKER_02 35:56

Please subscribe to the podcast, find us on Instagram. We're constantly doing polls. We want to know what you think. And I know that you probably know this, but reviewing us and giving us five stars matters more than anything, and we are so grateful to have you here.

SPEAKER_00 36:12

We talk so much on the podcast about seeking therapy, getting help, finding resources. I would love to be able to help you with that. My website is up and running and beautiful. It is goodgrowthwithclaire.com. So, whether you're in the state of Alabama or not, I want to be able to help direct you to the right resources. Goodgrowth with Claire.com.