Before You Cut Bangs
Hosted by Laura Quick and Claire Fierman, “Before You Cut Bangs” is full of hilarious conversations about real life, common and uncommon crises, and possible cosmetic errors that come along with it. Through storytelling and therapeutic wisdom, Claire and Laura share how to NOT fuck up your hair (and life) while walking through similar situations,
Produced by Will Lochamy
Before You Cut Bangs
3.22 TRAUMA, HURRY & HIDING: three things keeping us from REST. Here’s why.
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Life moves fast, but sometimes the real problem isn’t the pace—it’s what we’re trying to outrun. This week, we unpack the hidden cost of constant urgency, why our culture rewards nonstop motion, and how anxiety, comparison, and discomfort keep us reaching for the next distraction instead of finding peace.
Laura shares the long wait behind a life-changing "yes," while Claire explains why slowing down can feel so uncomfortable—and so necessary. From practical ways to embrace stillness to one simple question that can change your perspective, this episode is an invitation to trade constant hustle for a little more joy, presence, and freedom.
Welcome And The Waiting Question
SPEAKER_01Welcome to Before You Cut Bangs.
SPEAKER_00I'm Laura Quick. I'm a professional storyteller and I'm writing my first book. And I'm Claire Fearman. I'm a therapist, but not your therapist. Full disclaimer: take what you like, leave the rest.
SPEAKER_01So why are we in such a damn hurry?
SPEAKER_00Um, well, actually, before we get started, I sustained an injury, and Laura will stare at my hand during this time. And if you didn't listen to the last episode, um, have a bee-steam. All right.
SPEAKER_02Well, self-conscious about it. That's good.
SPEAKER_00No. You know, people often tell me I have the patience of Job. Very relaxed.
SPEAKER_01Okay, so what is the longest you've waited for something that was absolutely worth it? What? Yes. A pregnancy? Well.
SPEAKER_02Gosh. I mean the my second marriage, I guess.
SPEAKER_01I don't think so sweet.
SPEAKER_02Oh, sorry. I'm not trying to.
SPEAKER_01That was really kind. Danielle, do you know what I'm saying? Danielle, are you here? Are you listening? That's so sweet.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Okay, go on. Aw.
SPEAKER_00I thought I have I take 10 milligrams of Lexapro and I feel pretty numb to most things right now. That almost got me to cry. And that's a big feat on the Lexapro.
Activation And The Pain Of Delays
SPEAKER_01They just don't come like they used to, you know? The tears. I would say I historically, so like if you've ever taken Strength Finders, Strength Finders ranks 34 strengths that you have. And activation is one of my strengths. It's in my top five. And what that means is if you tell me an idea and I like it and I've decided it is a good idea and I would like to make it happen, nothing is going to stop me. Of course. It is why we started this podcast. It is why I've done everything that I've ever done that all seems kind of, you know, either dumb or like kind of ridiculous. Um so activation is like, it tricked me into thinking that you don't have to wait for things because if I'm like, oh, this is what we're doing, we're doing it. But the older I've gotten, the more I've realized that the most worthwhile things, the things that um are more legacy type things, they do take time to get really good, even if you get an open door fast. So like sometimes a door will open. For instance, something really tragic happened in 2021 that prompted me to think I should write a book. Um, in 2022, I decided, all right, I think I actually am going to write this book. And I did not actually get a yes to write a book until 2025. So from 2021 to 2025 was just me trying to figure out how to make this thing I thought I was supposed to do, like felt truly called to do, happen. And nothing has been more painful than waiting that long. I've never waited that long. I decided to start a magazine and I'd never had a magazine subscription before. And I started that shit in three months. I was like, we got an investor. We're I met him at the garage. We had one too many martinis and he wrote me a check. Let's go. I mean, that's how quickly those things happen. And then to wait that long for something that was like, I felt I have to do this. It was painful. I hated waiting that long. I hate waiting. I have so much to say.
SPEAKER_00I know. That's why we're doing this episode. So it will be no, I mean, I think most people are under the same understanding.
Convenience Culture And Kids’ Patience
SPEAKER_00Like, we are a rushed, rushed culture. Um, if something isn't two-day shipping and I'm very guilty of this, I'm like, I don't think I can have that. And I like it 4 a.m. the next day.
SPEAKER_02I was about to say two-day shipping. It's pretty long. I think it's a good thing. You're right.
SPEAKER_00When it's like we'll be delivered between 4 a.m. and 7 a.m. And I'm like, that's my best option. Um, if Instacart can't be at my house in an hour and a half, I'm like, what?
SPEAKER_01Why are you even here? I'll just have to go to Publix myself.
SPEAKER_00I mean, it's ridiculous. So we did make things far more convenient. Um, I am so grateful that we did not grow up like that. Um, I think the biggest pain point for me or like struggle is how it's like showing up in my kids. Like they don't have a ton of tolerance for waiting. And like, I mean, imagine if you told a parent or a grandparent you were bored as a kid. It was like, then go outside, like literally find something to do, draw something, make something. Anything. Like, I just watch everything, we just need like a lot of entertainment. And we're really having to teach ourselves to slow
Trauma, Numbing, And Constant Motion
SPEAKER_00down.
SPEAKER_01Here's where I am with this. I realize in retrospect, and these are the things you only realize in retrospect, that the best things I've ever done in my life have taken a lot of time. Even like so, there's a section of that book called The Blackout Decade, which is just all about my 20s, and it's just it's all it's funny, but it's tragic. I mean, it's really tragic. I hate it so much, and I feel like it will be the comic relief that readers will need. But when I think about the blackout decade, everything was chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. And it was because I could not sit still. I had so much trauma that if I was quiet, if I was still, it would come for me. Yeah. I mean, like to the point where I literally would just stay up as late as possible doing whatever I had to do. I worked if I was awake. Like to exhaust yourself. To exhaust myself because I could not. So I numbed long before you could scroll. I was numbing with whether it's like TV or just doing things or looking at things or reading, like whatever, until it would just pass out. And I would work myself so hard. Like I would work 30 days straight and then I would just crash. Never rest, never rest, never quiet, never a time where there were not people at my house, where there was not noise, activity, something. If Clay was with his dad, I was going and doing something, I could not do it. And now I look back and I know I was so afraid of what was going to come for me. What would come up? Because so much tried to come up in my 20s, and I would be like, no, no, no, no. I do not think so.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So there's like this intolerance for holding still because if I'm still, I'm hanging out with me. Yep. And nobody's coming in to soften that, distract me, or your girl did not like herself in her 20s. So I do think that's part of it now, and that could have been part of it anytime, not just in 2026. Is if I'm quiet, there is I have to meet myself. The other part of that is we could have also been modeled it. So my mother is a goer and a doer. And so, like, I don't remember her really sitting down or sitting still. And so I learned just get it all done, get it all done, get it all done, and then rest when it's all done. But as an adult, wife, mother, fill in the blank, it is never all done. Like the list is never ending. So I've had to learn how to like sit with the undone, and I'm still worthy of love and belonging. So those are two different things, but from the same place of avoidance of like what's right underneath. So mine was more is kind of more motivated by like, how do I belong? How does this work? And yours was, I can't take a look at that. I can't meet myself in this.
SPEAKER_01Well, I I realized I was I spent so much time trying to create a person that I could tolerate, that nothing was real, like it was all just manufactured. Like I uncovered so many memories. And look, this is why the book took so long. I am convinced there was just a ton of like excavating that needed to happen in order for me to tell a story that anybody would want to read or even maybe could possibly relate to. But like the excavating that I did to try and unearth, like, okay, but like what was I doing? Like, why did that happen? And I I remember interviewing for this job that I definitely did not deserve. I did not know you could hem your pants. Like, no one gave me like that heads up. So I just would wear like five and a half inch heels to try and, well, you know, to look taller. And also so the pants wouldn't drag the floor and it looked like I was growing out of the floor. It's all right, it's fine. Like, would they cover the toe of the heel? No, no, no. The look just a little tiny out, just those pointy tiny little peek out of those terrible. They were certainly from somewhere terri amazing, like Charlotte Roos. You're welcome. Um, but my point is like I remember going to this interview, and I remember the woman who was interviewing me getting out of this very fancy vintage um XJR Jaguar convertible. And she just like dripped in money, you know what I mean? She just dripped it, and she had like blonde hair, and she definitely played like tennis and golf and like all these things I'd never really seen before. And when she interviewed me, I just tried to act like her. Yeah, I was like, well, the only way I'm gonna get this job is to try and show up like her. And she had to know, but she hired me, and that was like it was kind of a pinpoint of me being like, oh, that's kind of when I learned, okay, I'm not gonna be able to show up and look like anybody I've ever met before. I'm gonna have to figure out new people to look like. And I because I was just that I had that much discomfort with myself, and so I was constantly inventing a version of me that I could like enough to spend time with. So sad.
SPEAKER_00Well, I think, and I I won't go too far down this, but there are certain personality types that will mirror to create safety. And then yes, we look back and cringe, but it's also kind of a gift. Like, I think you and I can certainly like help people feel really comfortable because we can mirror them so well. That's like using the gift for good. Yeah. Instead of like, oh, I can't show up as me or I'm never gonna get to where I'm gonna be.
SPEAKER_01Well, like if you knew where I just drove from, you would not give me this fancy job.
SPEAKER_00And so obviously, I don't think it would be news to anyone that our society, because of technology, has become faster-paced.
Coming Home To Yourself In Quiet
SPEAKER_00But I think what you're saying is far more important, and it has nothing to do with technology. It is like being able to come home into the self. So, I mean, yes, all over TikTok and Instagram is dopamine addiction, um, dopamine culture. I know I think I've said it on here before you can't be addicted to dopamine, that's not how it works. So, yes, we are like more, more, more, but like that's always been American, you know, like get more, do more, like ask more. Have more, be more. And I mean, even like the hydrate hydration breaks in the World Cup cracked me up. Like, you know, no one else I think this is right. I feel like you would know, no other countries had done the hydration breaks because they don't allow for commercials in so two different thoughts. Sorry. They don't allow for commercials in soccer, true.
SPEAKER_02Uh there's no, it doesn't stop generally.
SPEAKER_00Yes. So Americans, we're gonna hydrate them. And you bet during the hydration breaks, it was like commercial, commercial, commercial, commercial. It was like the American loophole. Like, we've always done this shit. So it what were you gonna say?
SPEAKER_02No, that's exactly right.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I was right. Okay, you know, I don't know sports very well. Go sports. Um, so I'm like using this kind of vague phrase of like coming home to yourself, and then you're saying it in like a probably a more direct way of like good things take time.
SPEAKER_01Um when I love what you say about coming home, I always say like walking myself home, like walking myself home. And that was my faith journey, but it was also to myself. Like you can't find any, you can't find a higher power if you aren't okay inside yourself.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So one of my best friends, I love this. She's like, Sometimes I just sit down and stare. And I get that. Like sometimes it's just good to like sit down, and I got nothing going on. But sometimes when she tells people that, they're like, and then what do you do? And she's like, nothing. Like she gets so much joy from just like being inside herself. Uh-huh. That is like that's natural to her. That is a learned skill for most of us. Yeah. So when I tell people like, have a mindfulness practice, have a meditation practice, they don't believe me. That sounds exhausting to them. All I'm asking people to do is like slow down and wait long enough to see if you can hear what's really going on.
SPEAKER_01That's it. Well, it's weird because like the more comfortable, I mean, I started doing therapy when I was in my late 20s, like 29. And I remember the first time that I rode in my car without the radio on. And like just like the like the nervousness almost that I felt, which I and for some people they may not relate to this at all at all. Because they're like, wow, how messed up. Pretty messed up. That's how you get a uh if somebody's giving you a memoir deal at 43, your life was fucked up. Okay, like that's how it works. But I remember that stillness and being like, wow, I can do it. And I didn't, I didn't die. It was not fatal for me to sit with myself. And I think like that is not just that. I'm wondering, isn't it Amanda that you're talking about just sits and stairs? I'm like, that is so on brand. That makes perfect sense to me. But like, I do think as I'm getting older, and the longer I can sit in discomfort, the more craving I have. Like, I don't have a TV in my home. I don't have a TV in my home. I walk five miles a day around my neighborhood, not for exercise, because I like it. I have Merlin, the bird app. That's right. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_00I believe we all enjoy Merlin from time to time.
SPEAKER_01I was influenced by Will originally. We downloaded it on his porch. And like, I think, and I live in this old house that requires like attention. And I have I thought my yard would be no maintenance because it's just bushes, is what I thought. That's not how that works at all, by the way. Claire told me that. Like so many azaleas, too. And um ridiculous amount of azaleas, but like I I do think like I don't know, man. If you're scared, if you're scared of slowing down, I would tell you it's like the greatest gift I have discovered in my like late 30s and 40s.
SPEAKER_00So this might be like a little niche for people if they don't get it,
Comparison, Envy, And Impulsive Fixes
SPEAKER_00but I'm gonna give it a whirl anyways. We have talked about comparison many times on this podcast. So a part of not being able to slow down is this sense of longing, comparison, and envy. Those are incredibly uncomfortable sensations that we experience. Like those are like palpable to me. Like if I'm envious of something or I saw this cute family and I've been divorced, and that was like super painful for me. So then I'm like, I better buy something. It is usually buy something.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's someone go to. I just had a liquidation and it was it was a fucking shit show. I was like, wow. If anybody was wondering what I did for those two years, really trying to make it through my life, your girl bought some shit. Okay. I went hard. So I have that shirt for you, by the way.
SPEAKER_00Oh, the tigers. Yes, yes, thank you. Um, see, you're welcome. Pays off. Okay. So um, one man's trash is another man's potpourri. So um, anyways, this sense of longing is very painful for me. If I long for something that I cannot have or I used to have, I historically would get highly impulsive. Now, my impulsivity was not like gambling in Vegas, you know, but it was when I would call you and be like, I need to do this and I'm gonna lose it all. Like it was just this frantic thing. Yeah. Similarly to you, did I build a successful business quickly? Yes, I did.
SPEAKER_01Like I can use the we're gonna use the term successful very loose, but yeah, I mean, it took us a couple years to figure it out. Got it started really quickly.
SPEAKER_00The clients came. I thought you did. And they stayed, they showed up. Okay. So um I have learned that from my big painful feelings, which are longing, discomfort, and envy. So those could be very different for people. Those are mine. That is when these fast and impulsive behaviors came. Yes, it did look like shopping, but I've said it here before too. Like you'll drink about it, drug about it, sex about it, shop about it, if you don't go in and befriend that part of you and see what's really going on.
SPEAKER_01God, that's so good. Everybody remember that. Also, Will, what are yours?
SPEAKER_00Can you be still and quiet with yourself?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I really can. Now, I'm not saying I don't scroll and stuff.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02But I can all like I have to decompress and have quiet.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_02So like that's a real thing. And my family's cool with it, but they know like if I am hosting an event or after a radio show or something, like in the summertime when they're home, when I get home, they know like we're not gonna talk for like an hour.
SPEAKER_00So yours comes from like more like too much input.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I think so. Or maybe too much output. I don't know. Whatever. Too much something.
SPEAKER_01Too much output, probably. Because you're like, you can be an extrovert, but you're not weird, like you can do it, you can show up and be the guy and grin and grip and all the things. Mine comes from performance. Like, I think on the other side, it's like this like you piece of shit, you're not doing enough. We talked about that. Will said, you know, when I go on vacation, when he goes to the beach, he's like, we do nothing, you know, like nothing. And I used to be a person that could not ever relax. Like ever. It felt like I was like, like it was gonna catch up with me. Oh, for sure. Like, how dare you take this break? You can't take this break. And when I finished the manuscript, which just happened a couple weeks ago, I submitted it. We had this trip plan that had already been planned. It wasn't like for that, it would just happen to fall. And we went to Jackson Hole, and I literally had one thing I had to finish. And then when I got it done, I was like, okay, I'm like really unplugging. And I thought about how different that feels because I used to go to Europe and have work hours every day. Like, never would I ever not actually work and be out of town. I would still have to have hours of operation. And it's like, oh no, like I am safe enough to rest. And like also now I know the benefits of resting.
SPEAKER_00So I think what you two are saying is helpful because it's so different for listeners that function differently. So will it's like this ability to like keep the peace, and that's highly motivating, I think, to you is like in the conflict avoidance is like very grounded, feeling peaceful is like important.
SPEAKER_02Oh, yeah. Okay, the most important, yeah.
SPEAKER_00So you have this ability to sink in, use the word like performative. So that's like higher, bigger heart emotional. Since we've talked about Enneagram, your girl three. Three and people listening know if they have yeah.
SPEAKER_01If you follow along, you know about it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and so then when I'm kind of in this deep longing, it's please someone tell me that I'm like unique and lovable in these ways. So those are all very different motivations to get to this place where we all feel like you can breathe. You can breathe.
SPEAKER_01And be home with yourself, like which is I think the ultimate form of rest is being okay with yourself, in the quiet, in the calm, in the things that bring you peace, which might look totally different than what another person's peace looks like. That's exactly right.
SPEAKER_00So, like where my friend Amanda can just sit and like you gotta blaze, you're gonna knit, you're gonna cross point. And so it is tactile for me. It is very, very, very experiential. That's like, but I don't allow for like music, podcasts,
Rest That Fits Real Life
SPEAKER_00like no other stimuli. So it's like uh yesterday morning I was in that bathroom. Bathrobe pulling weeds, and that felt really good because I'm still mindfully like with me hearing the birds. It's already hot as hell. It's 7:30 in the morning or whatever. So that's like a full tactile experience. So don't hear this as, oh, I have to have like a fancy meditation cushion and you have to have some weird morning routine where you do these four things in a morning.
SPEAKER_01I don't think that's true. I think it's just like, how do you find rest in a world that tells you you're not allowed to? Yeah. It's just so busy. It's and we're always in a hurry somewhere, going somewhere, doing something. And if you're in the mom stage where you're hauling your children around to every activity under the sun, that is so exhausting. It's such an exhausting season. And I hear women say all the time, I cannot rest. I would tell you that is not true. Phone a friend, find the time, give yourself permission. Like, don't be afraid. If you have tier one friends and you really are a single mom, which I was and you were, and you feel like you're stretched, you gotta phone in a friend and be like, I need 30 minutes to go on a walk. Or it is the truth.
SPEAKER_00I was talking to a friend the other day, she has triplets, triplets. That's a lot of kids and a teenager, so many children. Okay. And she was like, I'm so impressed with you that you do all this solo. And I'm like, oh, hon, like, no, no. And I was like, first off, when my kids were little and her triplets are so little, I was like, I was unwell. And I was not like going to Pilates all the time and meditate. And like my house looked like it had been robbed all the time, but it was just us living there like little raccoons. It was a nightmare. I cried all the time. And I would sit, there was this, well, I still have the shark stool at the like kid bathroom stool, hand paint. It was so cute. And I would sit in the hallway in between the kids' bedrooms because I'd try to get them to bed at the same time. They were three and five. And I would sit in the stool and one would get out of bed and I'd put her back in, and then the next to get out of bed, and I'd put the other one in. And like I didn't have it in me. Like there was no gym membership. There was no meal planning. There was, I wasn't reading. Like I've read almost 40 books this year. 2020, Claire would have been like, you bitch. Like, did you get put on a stimulant? There was no way I could have done that. So, like, there are different times in life to do different things, but I had my people that would be like, hey, we need to go to dinner tonight. Yeah. We're gonna be a babysitter. We're gonna do that. Like, you would have to like take me to dinner, say, I'm gonna pay for the babysitter so you can do this. Like, I did beg lots of times.
SPEAKER_01And times you wouldn't say that's what okay. Okay, Claire wouldn't say yes. That is also true. Claire would not say yes. I am telling you, if you have a friend who sees where you are, that you are in the thick of it and you need to slow down. That is truly a gift you get to give yourself, but also it will trickle down to your children. If you have that friend who sees you and says, Hey, I'm paying for the babysitter and I'm taking you to dinner, and you say no, you're an asshole. I was. I was so scared. This is actually an intervention. You were an asshole.
SPEAKER_00This is I was running only on fear and guilt at the time and thought I had to be doing, doing, doing, going, going, going, and talk about exhausting myself. I would just like eventually go to bed when they did. It was so hard. Um, but I only let you and Amanda in on that. Like I was really private about it. And after I canceled the second engagement, um, and Amanda came over and she's like, Hey, next time you need help with chores and bathing your kids, you don't have to get engaged. Just ask me. And I was like, huh. Like it was like the most true. I felt a lot of conviction in that, Amanda. Rude. She's so right. It was like, but that's that kind of terminal uniqueness of like, I need someone to, I just need this partner to tell me they love me and then all is well. And then I grew out of that, and it's a lot of freedom in that. But, anyways, for the moms, it needs to look different and find someone that will like rescue you from your own shit and say, Yes, take a note from me. I just suffered in my own misery.
Slow Down, Find Joy, Closing Notes
SPEAKER_01And we're gonna leave you with just one question in closing, which is what in your life might actually benefit from slowing down? Like, I think we all have different verticals. It might be that you're a workaholic and you're like swinging too hard into that. It might be that you're like medicating on your children and their activities, it might look like your partnership, it might look like you need some solo alone time. What is that thing? And what would it look like if you spent a little time, even in microdoses, slowing down?
SPEAKER_00And the like as you're thinking about that, the remedy, the antidote to urgency is joy and awe. It is and joy and awe is like in every room you go in. So we don't have to think too hard about it. Like, where do you find joy and awe? Yes.
SPEAKER_02And credit where credit's due. I think Claire had the Merlin app first, and we got it from it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I thought it, I thought it, but I didn't want to say it.
SPEAKER_02It was on the porch, you're correct. But she pulled it up and she uh after with the birds.
SPEAKER_01I'm so sorry, I tried to give that to Will. Well, thank you for influencing me. Because honestly, it really did give me a lot of joy in a really hard season. It really you're welcome. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I was practicing just being flexible and and not needing the credit. I didn't need the credit.
SPEAKER_01In my head, I was like, but you know, we'll give it a sketch. That's fine. Will does get a lot of credit on the show. He has influenced us in a lot of ways.
SPEAKER_00Uh-oh. Before you cut bangs is hosted by Lara Quick and Claire Fearman and produced by Will Lockman. Follow along with us everywhere.
SPEAKER_01Please subscribe to the podcast. Find us on Instagram. We're constantly doing polls. We want to know what you think. And I know that you probably know this, but reviewing us and giving us five stars matters more than anything, and we are so grateful to have you here.
SPEAKER_00We talk so much on the podcast about seeking therapy, getting help, finding resources. I would love to be able to help you with that. My website is up and running and beautiful. It is goodgrowthwithclaire.com. So, whether you're in the state of Alabama or not, I want to be able to help direct you to the right resources. Goodgrowth with Claire.com.
