Speaker 1 0:30

I am Shelly Belk and I am the owner of Shelly Belk Coaching . I primarily work with entrepreneurs , high achievers , who know that they have this potential greater than what they're currently achieving , and they might even know what to do and they're like I don't know why I'm so stuck , I don't know why I'm so in my own way , and we start looking at their patterns and start making some really lifelong changes in their life .

Speaker 2 0:57

Take me back to the beginning . How did you fall into this line

From Autism Specialist to Life Coach

Speaker 2 1:00

of work ?

Speaker 1 1:02

So I was working . I have my master's degree in behavior analysis and I was working as a clinical supervisor with children with autism and it was really meaningful , important work . And I jumped right in to this population after grad school and I didn't really ever think that that was going to be my career and I kind of once I became a mom it was . It just became a little bit too much . And then there was some insurance . The insurance world started having a lot more say in what we were doing and how we could treat and there was just like a level of burnout that I couldn't really ignore and I didn't really know what to do outside of that , because when you get your degree in that , they basically say like you just work with children with autism . That is what this degree is , but it's human behavior and that's anything and everything that we do .

Speaker 1 2:00

So when I started exploring what I could do , I am really into health and fitness and I had some friends that were like well , I just like can't be consistent , can you help me figure out how to do that ?

Speaker 1 2:12

And I'm like I don't know , maybe . So even just having conversations with them made me realize that that is something that I could do . So I got a health and life coaching certification . I started going the health coaching route and very quickly realized that , with my background knowledge of human behavior , I'm so much deeper than just creating habits . The habits are important , that consistency is important , and I've just kept getting this deeper dive of self-sabotage and the ways that we hold ourselves back and how it's self-protection and all of these things . And then it really just fell into my lap that I started working with more and more entrepreneurs solopreneurs really where they also are leaving clinical jobs and things like that and wanting to create their own thing and very mission-driven and all of those things . But their fear was bigger than their mission and so I just started pulling from every aspect and I was like so hungry to learn . And then here we are .

Speaker 2 3:18

Wow , wow , that's beautiful . You often say that habits live at the core of our being . Why do you believe habits hold so much power in shaping our lives ?

Speaker 1 3:28

That's a good question .

Speaker 1 3:29

Habits hold such a power because they can quickly become .

Speaker 1 3:35

They're the patterns that we have and they quickly can become a part of our identity , especially if we're not conscious to how we're making them as part of our identity and they're formed at such a young age like oftentimes we're not even aware at how quickly we're making deep associations , like , as humans we just make really deep associations with you know the way that we were spoken to and what that might mean , and somebody said this or made me

Habits as Core Identity Patterns

Speaker 1 3:58

feel this way and and oh , it's okay to feel this way and not feel this way , and um , and then we're going to behave and act in accordance to .

Speaker 1 4:07

We're either always looking to increase pleasure oh , I liked that , I want more of that or we're looking to avoid pain oh , I don't ever want to experience that again . And at the very deepest level . That's really our motivation under most of everything that we do . And if we're not aware of that , then we have all these habits and we just call it our personality and our identity and then we wonder why we feel stuck or sad or unmotivated and all of those things , Because underneath all of those habits I hope I'm explaining- this okay is .

Speaker 1 4:44

You know , there's emotions that are driving those behaviors , there's thoughts that are driving those behaviors , and then there's a whole belief system underneath that as well , and so that's just the manifestation of all of these subconscious patterns that we have .

Speaker 2 5:00

That's a beautiful way to explain it . I also see it as like a filter . Each of us have our own set of filters that , like something can happen to you , something can happen to me , and , depending on how it trickles through our own filters , is how we might perceive it right , exactly , exactly .

Speaker 1 5:14

We all have our own map of the world .

Speaker 2 5:18

What values guide the way that you work with clients as they move from self-sabotage to self-support ?

Speaker 1 5:24

These are such good questions . So values are something that I work with my clients with and I think the values that I really utilize in working with people is one . It's a co-creative process . I don't have all the answers . I believe that my clients have all the answers and I'm just a guide and I'm facilitating to pull back the layers and dismantle the false beliefs and all these things that are underneath the

Values in the Coaching Relationship

Speaker 1 5:54

truth of who we are and what we know and all of these things .

Speaker 1 5:59

Also , empowerment I think that we as humans have a negativity bias and we're most of the time going to see things in a negative perspective , but there are so many gifts and opportunities and obstacles and challenges and all of those things that we experience and really teaching and training people to start seeing things in that way that we really do get to be the creator of our own lives .

Speaker 1 6:26

And I feel like there's a third one that I haven't I guess I haven't quite thought through yeah , co-creator . Empowerment and I think compassion , which kind of I think , maybe in my own way goes with empowerment . It is amazing to me how we can be really compassionate and empathetic towards other people , but compassion is a characteristic of your authentic self and most people really lack skill . It's something that it's almost like oh , I can understand why that's important and why you need that , but it's not for me Like their internal dialogue , right , and and really just having this deep understanding that we're all human and we're all doing our best , and even though I'm working on self-sabotage , the goal isn't to make you perfect , it's not to make you non-human , but really meeting yourself with grace .

Speaker 2 7:27

I love that Grace is so important . How do you define success for a client beyond just changing the habits ?

Speaker 1 7:34

Yes , okay . So this I love this because when I start working with clients , I explain that sometimes you might come and you're , you've got the objective measurement . Like this is the goal that I have . But the inner work that we do is so subjective and sometimes it's hard to define success . Oftentimes , if we want , it's not a bad thing to have goals , but like , sometimes it can hard to define success . Oftentimes , if we want , it's not a bad thing to have goals , but like , sometimes it can be really rigid and it's like well , if I don't make that goal , then you know I'm a failure or I suck or whatever . Um ,

Redefining Success Beyond Goals

Speaker 1 8:05

and so we really look at success in like who they're being while they're experiencing life .

Speaker 1 8:12

You know , this morning I had the most chaotic morning and of course , I had to drive here and get ready and all the things , and my husband is a firefighter . He got held so he wasn't there to help me with my daughter . This morning my toaster broke as soon as I tried to use it . I have type 1 diabetes . When I had to change my pump , I ran out of insulin the moment I woke up and then I was like gushing blood and I was like these are the moments that I teach my clients . It's I can't stop that all of these things are going to happen and I certainly it doesn't serve me to think that these things are happening to me , but it's . Who do I get to be when I'm faced with all of these things ? Now , I wasn't perfect . I eventually got a little snappy with my daughter because it was like this is so much , but I can apologize to her right .

Speaker 1 9:00

And as I was driving here , like doing different breathing techniques and asking myself like what's available in this ? Oh you know what ? I think it's really time that we start prepping some breakfast ahead of time . Like I think we're just at that stage in our life and it's like that's what's available . Maybe that's what life is asking of me right now . And again , kind of being able to see things in a different perspective to where a lot of the people are . Like it's going to ruin your whole day . You have a morning like that that is going to dysregulate you your whole day . And to me , that success that you can experience those things and yeah , you might not love that they're happening , but who you're being while experiencing that , that's success , because life's not going to change , but you can . Your response to those things can change .

Speaker 2 9:47

That's so powerful and I love your very specific examples for this morning . Yes , the gushing blood part yeah it was just like .

Speaker 1 9:56

You know , at some point you have to start laughing when those things happen , perfect .

Speaker 2 10:01

Next question you shared that stress and perfectionism once left you feeling resentful and stuck . What was the turning point that made you choose behavior change coaching as a career ?

Speaker 1 10:11

Yeah , like I said , I don't know . I don't know that it was . I'm going to choose this . I very much and I teach this too .

Speaker 1 10:23

It was the more I opened myself up to it can be different than what I've chosen . In the past . I had very rigid patterns of like and professionism and all of that of well , this is what I chose , and especially what I was doing to working with children with autism . People would be like , oh , that takes such a special

Customizing Strategies for Each Client

Speaker 1 10:42

person and all of those things . So then I had to like let go of this idea of , well , am I not a special person ? If I don't , you know what I mean . You probably can relate to that . And and so it was more of like a letting go process of what I thought life was going to be and what was expected of me , and more of like allowing myself to say yes to my yeses . And I think that after doing so much internal work and working with so many people , it's like life just starts unfolding when you can like , align yourself with your yeses , like it sometimes can just feel so much easier and it just just like you're like I don't really know how that happened and I feel like that's what that experience was for me . It just kept perfect example .

Speaker 1 11:29

I never thought I was going to work with entrepreneurs . But kind of , coming back to my own personal values , which is family I , when I was working my other job , I would leave for work around 3 pm because these children were getting therapy after school and that was fine , while my daughter was a baby . But I was thinking of the future . Well , she's going to start kindergarten , she's going to be in elementary school , and I didn't become a mom to not be around , so I wasn't going to leave for work when she was getting off the bus and just never see her .

Speaker 1 12:02

And that was me saying yes to my yeses of what was really truly important to me in life . And then when I started coaching , I was like , oh goodness , like people are going to want sessions when they're done with work . But when I was so clear that that was a no for me , I started getting entrepreneurs that have the flexible schedule that can just take a call at 10 o'clock in the morning and I can take a call at 1230 . And now I never have to work after you know four or five o'clock . I mean I can work whenever I want to at this point and I , and that it wasn't like , oh , this is how I want it to be , and so these are the people I have to work with . It was just like a bigger picture of what was truly important to me , and everything else just figured itself out .

Speaker 2 12:49

I like saying yes to your yeses . I think that's a great way to put that in there . You don't believe in a one size fits all approach . How do you customize strategies to fit each person's lifestyle ?

Speaker 1 12:59

Yes . So I think this is where it's so important , where there's a lot of advice and strategies and plans that you can find on the internet , especially now with AI . But you have to understand what your patterning is . What's your default strategy ? I might have someone come to me and they're like you know , I do have like a method that I take people through and then , based on their values or their goals you know , we're customizing , individualizing things and really understanding what fits for them .

Speaker 1 13:32

If I have someone that's like Shelly I'm a week behind on these videos that you sent me , you know , I don't know what to do . My response is going to be so different to the person that is . The high-achieving perfectionist , doesn't like to do things wrong , get messy , and I might ask questions Well , what are you choosing to do instead of that ? Right ? Well , actually , I've been reading more just for fun . I love that . You are the type of person that needs more of that . We'll make the time and space We'll figure out to get you where you need to be , to stay on task for what it is that you signed up for . But then if I had a person who often is in a state of avoidance or procrastination , and they came to me and was like I'm so behind , well , my approach is going to be different , right , and so it's really understanding .

Speaker 1 14:22

I think that's where , sometimes , people who have tried to work on these things in the past do get , I said , compassion earlier , but they get almost too much compassion or let off the hook by therapists or friends or family of like , oh , don't be so hard on yourself , you'll catch up without understanding . Are you falling into an old pattern or are you stretching yourself and doing something that's uncharacteristic of you , that's going to allow for you to emerge and create a new way of being ? Um , and and that's where , especially the people that are more procrastinating , avoidant , they don't like when someone's like , oh , it's going to be okay , they're like no , I'm sick of myself , I am so sick of doing things this way . And then that's where we you get a little bit of like hard truth , shelly , coming in and we figure out .

Speaker 1 15:08

You know , what is it that you are actually avoiding ? What is it an emotion , is it a thought ? Is there a belief that's coming up for you when you're not doing these things ? How are things ? How are you going to feel about yourself when you do complete those things , um , you know what boundaries are you lacking that allow for you to say no to this , when you've told me that it's really , really important , and just figuring out what's going to fit that person , I think that's beautiful because it's a difference between like giving yourself grace versus like overcoming old patterns , exactly you know , so you you being able to decipher between the two and give them those ?

Speaker 2 15:47

would you call it hard truth , Shelly ? Yes , so you've helped close to 100 people shift their habits . Is that an accurate number ? At this point , it's more Okay .

Speaker 1 15:58

Yeah it's definitely more especially . Yeah , yeah .

Speaker 2 16:03

What's one client transformation that stands out as a defining moment for you ? Oh goodness .

Speaker 1 16:10

I'll probably just pull from one that is most recent because it's top of mind

Why Mindset Work Alone Fails

Speaker 1 16:14

, okay , but and this person isn't even done working with me . He is a solopreneur , um , he's about to have a , his first child . I always love it , especially when males come to me and are aware that I have had a really big responsibility coming up and I don't want to pass these things on to my children . That level of self-awareness of you know , it's me , hi , I'm the problem , it's me , um , and and he was struggling with his business and the confidence to network and , uh , own his price and and all of those things . And teaching him just some basic somatic practices , meaning how to actually feel through the emotions that are coming up in our body , where most of the time we're like the anxiety is here , let's just not do the thing , because I don't like the way that that feels right . We just don't have a tolerance for those things . The first time I taught him how to do that to where he no longer had to go to his default strategy , which was I just won't do it . He , I think , like doubled his income the next month because , again , he knew what to do . He lacked certain tools and then just wasn't doing what it is that he needed to do to do .

Speaker 1 17:44

And then , just most recently , he messaged me and was like , okay , I did a speaking event and I was so terrified and I recognized it wasn't that I needed to like fix that . These feelings were there , I just needed to tend to them . And those were his words . It just felt so potent that he was like I just needed to tend and nurture them and give myself reassurance in that moment .

Speaker 1 18:00

And he's like , and the feelings were still there , I was still terrified and I was like , yeah , because you're human . But his response again was what changed ? So it was like the circumstances didn't change but he did and he nailed it and he was able to feel really good about what he did , whereas he used to really beat himself up and go through this like shame spiral anytime that he did something that he didn't think was perfect or like the most valuable thing ever , which , you know , we set these standards and we'll just never actually read them , reach them when we have a really strong inner critic . But it was really . It's been really cool to see him make those shifts and literally just , I think , nine weeks at this point .

Speaker 2 18:43

Wow , yeah , a self-awareness is huge . I know it goes beyond just self-awareness , but having the toolkit , yeah yeah , how to work through the feelings even though you said they'll still be there , but just knowing how to react to them , yeah , yeah . What do you wish that more people understood about stress ?

Speaker 1 19:03

mindset in the way that they interact with our daily habits and daily life . Okay , good question . I think what I wish is most people want to just jump straight into mindset work . It's real sexy , it's real . You can listen to certain things on YouTube and it feels really motivational , inspirational .

Speaker 1 19:24

And what I really wish people knew is that you're trying to reframe and shift the way that you're thinking without addressing the physical sensations that are happening in the body . So if you are stressed or your body's remembering something , a past situation , or the last time or the first time you felt that emotion or a certain person or environment , the nervous system is a living library and if you're just trying to reframe that situation , that's probably pretty surface level . When this usually goes a lot deeper , it's not going to land . Surface level . When this usually goes a lot deeper , it's not going to land . You can try to do affirmations in the mirror all you want , but if you have a deep-rooted belief that you're unworthy or that you don't belong , it just is not going to land . And so , addressing the patterns , the beliefs and , again , those physical sensations , so that you're in a regulated state where your prefrontal cortex is online and it's available to receive learning and opportunity . Then you can do the mindset work .

Speaker 1 20:26

But most people are trying to do that first because it seems easier , because we can live in our head and we're so deeply afraid to meet ourselves , and then understanding that the ability to do that goes even deeper .

Speaker 1 20:41

Our subconscious is largely formed between the ages of zero and nine years old , and so all these beliefs and deep associations that we have , they've been there for a really long time , and so if you're it's one thing to be stressed upset , let's say , like this morning , my toaster and all that , that was upsetting . But then there's another . There's difference between then being triggered whereas I'm remembering something , I'm getting taken away by something that I didn't once have the opportunity to properly address , properly feel , um , properly support myself with and and the way that I view it is . Now you have that opportunity , but most people are just like , uh , right , and then they try to reframe it when it's a body-based thing , and so it's almost like you gotta do the opposite . You have to do the thing that feels probably sewn , um , what's the word I'm looking for ? It just feels it would feel non-intuitive for you .

Speaker 2 21:47

Yeah that's really deep . Yeah , it really is . It reminds me , as you were talking , I was seeing like a tree . You know , when people are wanting to like prune the tree or the the limbs and stuff , when really it's like in the roots , yeah , and people don't want to go down underneath the dirt . Yes , exactly , exactly . Um , okay , my last question for you is if someone could take away just one lesson from your coaching , what would you want that lesson to be ?

Speaker 1 22:33

That their behaviors , that they don't like about themselves are just un it's self-protection in nature , and the more that you can understand . I hate that I do this . But what's the positive intention ? How does this actually serve me ? When I do it this way , even though everything in you is going to be like well , it doesn't serve me that I overeat or it doesn't serve me that I scroll when I should be doing X , y and Z , your brain's automatically going to want to say no , because that's the judgment that we carry with ourselves .

Speaker 1 23:03

But again , if we can bring

Understanding Self-Protection Mechanisms

Speaker 1 23:03

that compassion in and the curiosity , then we can understand nothing's happening for no good reason . There's always a good reason and it's likely that there is an unmet need meaning oh well , I , okay , let me give a good example . I don't , I won't go for it . I know there's certain things that I could , I could do . That's gonna wildly increase my business and visibility and all of those things . But if I don't do it subconsciously , then I don't have to feel rejected or I don't have to feel disappointment or discouragement and all of those things . And so that's self-serving if you don't know how to feel those things , if you were rejected , often as a child or made to feel you know that things were always your fault or whatever , and so I don't want to feel that way . I don't know how to feel that way , so I just won't do the thing .

Speaker 1 24:03

And if you can understand , well , the unmet need is I need to actually learn how to feel those things and prove to myself the level of resiliency that I have to overcome these things so that now the world opens up to me and again , kind of like you said , it's pretty deep and it's really hard to do that yourself . I think that's the other aspect of it is we will always have our protective mechanisms up that say we won't ask ourselves those questions because all of our ego and all of our self-protection doesn't actually want us to know those things . Because change is scary , what does it mean ? You want to change , even though this isn't self-serving . It's my comfort zone , right , and so , knowing that it's very difficult to get to that truth yourself , unless you're being asked questions , because everything in you will give you all the laundry list of reasons and excuses why it needs to stay and be that way , does that make sense ?

Speaker 2 25:07

and you don't know what . You don't know correct . Right like we go through life without being really conscious of why we do the thing . Yeah , just in this conversation with you , my mind and I'm a mindset self-help junkie myself like , but it's just like I had so many like aha moments you're just a wealth of knowledge thank you , do , you , do your own video content and share I know you do on Instagram and stuff yeah , yeah , I probably don't do as many videos as I could , but yeah , I do better when people ask me questions Amazing .

Speaker 2 25:41

Is there anything else you'd like to share with the audience before we wrap things up ?

Speaker 1 25:46

Just trust your gut . I think that there is a point in everyone's life where we get a little bit sick of ourselves and that can be the best place to be to really again start saying yes to your yeses and even coming back to the conversation of like . We're either always moving towards pleasure or away from pain , and oftentimes it takes getting away from pain . That is the most motivating and do yourself a solid like . You are not stuck in

Final Wisdom: Trust Your Gut

Speaker 1 26:16

where you currently are and most of the time when you think you're probably resisting , you're probably resisting what you know you need to do or you know is true , and let that be your guide .

Speaker 2 26:29

That's beautiful . Thank you so much for being on the podcast . It was great talking to you . Thank you for having me .