Pocketful of Mojo
Pocketful of Mojo
Wanting Without Apology
A simple question can shake an entire life:
What do I really want?
Not what looks impressive, not what keeps the peace—what actually lights you up. We dive into why that question triggers the body’s alarm bells, how self‑silencing gets wired in, and what it takes to reclaim autonomy without blowing everything up.
From the lens of neuroscience and self‑determination theory, we unpack why familiar patterns feel safe, why uncertainty reads as danger, and how to retrain your system to choose alignment over approval.
I share two vivid journeys—Leah, the reliable fixer who learns the power of the pause, and Maya, the connector who swaps obligatory yeses for one brave no and a seat at a pottery wheel. These aren’t tales about quitting your job; they’re stories about permission.
When want is named, intrinsic motivation turns on, creativity rises, and energy returns. We also get practical: a hell‑yes/hell‑no list to map your energy, separating want from guilt, letting desire exist without proof, and stacking micro moves that rebuild self‑trust. If the life‑level question feels too big, we zoom into today: the morning you want, the habit you’re done pretending to like, the small step that signals you’re on your own side.
Expect clarity without clichés, compassion without coddling, and tools you can use before the episode ends.
This is about moving from autopilot to authorship, trading gold stars for grounded choices, and letting your nervous system learn that alignment is safe. If this sparked something, share it with someone who needs the nudge, subscribe for more honest mojo, and leave a review to help others find their way back to their own voice.
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You know that moment when someone looks at you with their kind eyes and says, What do you want? And your entire nervous system goes, Oh hell no, absolutely not. Abort mission. We do not go there. Yeah, that one, that question, what do I really want? Is hands down one of the scariest questions for recovering people pleasers or just people starting over. Scarier than setting a boundary, scarier than saying no, scarier than walking away from something you've outgrown. Because that question, it forces you to meet you. Not the version that's been shaped by what everybody else needs. Not the one who's perfected the role of reliable, kind, always there. It's talking to the real you. And friend, that's terrifying and beautiful all at once. Welcome back to Pocket Full of Mojo, and I'm so glad you're here. I'm Steph, I'm your favorite Mojo Maven, and today we're going deep. And when I say deep, I mean the kind of deep that cracks something open. So buckle up, Buttercup. We're here to level up and live life on purpose. So we do as we do. Let's get ready to get tuned in, tapped in, and turned on. That's the question that doesn't just knock politely at the door of your life. It shows up, kicks off its shoes, and says, So, let's get real for a second. Because here's the truth. That question is tiny but mighty. It deviates from our normal line of questions, right? Because it's not, what should I do? And it's not, what do they want? And it's certainly not what makes sense on paper. It's what do I really want? And if you spent years or decades prioritizing everyone else's needs, then this question feels like trying to read a map that's written in another language. And yeah, you never learn that language. So why does this question feel so dangerous? It feels threatening. When you ask, what do I really want? You're poking at old wiring, the kind that kept you safe once upon a time. But here's the thing: what kept you safe then is now keeping you stuck. Because maybe you're not that person anymore. Like if you've ever been the fixer or the peacekeeper or the I'll just handle it person, then yeah, you already know. This question, it hits different. Because here's the plot twist. For many of us, we've been living on everyone else's timeline, their dreams, their needs, their comfort zones, their vision of what a good life looks like. So our nervous systems have been trained to find safety in other people's approval. Danger. So when someone looks us dead in the eye and says, Yeah, but what about you? It's like the entire operating system glitches. Because you know what everyone else wants. You know how to read a room in seconds. You can sense tension before words are even spoken. But your own desires, yeah, that takes a little longer to load. And it's not because you're weak, it's not because you're confused, it's because your me voice got drowned out by the make everyone else okay voice. And the psychologists, they call this self-silencing. When you suppress your own needs and desires to avoid conflict or rejection. And over time, your brain actually rewires itself to see keeping the peace as a survival mechanism. Think about that. Your brain, the same brain that runs everything from should I make coffee to is this house on fire? It equates asking for what you want with danger. That's fucking bonkers. And that's why this question doesn't just feel uncomfortable. Because when you've spent your whole life adjusting and shape shifting and making yourself convenient, asking what you want can feel selfish and rebellious and wrong. And nobody's ever gotten a gold star for being any of those things. But it's not wrong. It's real. And you can't build a life you love if you're building it with someone else's blueprint. And you can't bloom if you keep pruning yourself down to fit someone else's garden. Because if you've spent a lifetime pleasing, smoothing things over, showing up for everyone else, your identity has been built around what other people want. And it's like trying to find your own voice in a choir that's been singing over you for years. You might whisper what you want, but you drown in everyone else's shoulds. Because here's the thing: like from a neuroscience lens, yeah, we're getting a little nerdy. The brain loves that predictability. Familiar equals safe. So even if people pleasing is exhausting, it's familiar and it's not gonna hurt. And asking, what do I want? It threatens that safety because it introduces uncertainty. And uncertainty lights up the same threat response system in your brain as physical danger, which is fucking wild. But we're 21st century beings navigating this rock with monkey brains. So what do you what do you want? You know? So when your chest heightens or your stomach flips, when you try to answer that question, you're not weak. You're human. Your brain is just doing its protective thing. But as long as the building you're in isn't actually on fire, you should be fine. Just keep pulling that thread. But we also know from research in motivational psychology, shout out to the self-determination theory, that autonomy is one of our core psychological needs. Autonomy is basically your right to be the main character in your own story. And without it, yeah, our monkey brains are there. We're gonna survive, but we don't thrive. And if you've been living for everyone else's needs, well, that autonomy muscle, it might be a little or a lot out of shape. Because if we're being real, ignoring what you want, it comes at a cost. You don't get off scot-free. Because when you constantly prioritize other people, you become exceptional at reading the room, but you lose the ability to read yourself. And when you constantly prioritize other people, you make decisions based on avoiding disappointment, not on creating fulfillment. And when you constantly prioritize other people, you confuse being needed with being known. And the longer you avoid that inner voice, the quieter it gets. Until one day, something's gonna crack. And that crack can look like burnout, or a quiet, aching resentment, or waking up one morning with a life that looks fine on paper, but feels like a jacket that doesn't fit anymore. So here's a hard truth wrapped in a hug. People pleasing, it's gonna keep you safe, but it will not keep you satisfied. So when you get to that moment and you finally ask, What do I really want? You're not just picking a new brunch spot, you're picking yourself. And that changes everything. Like, let's talk about what it actually feels like to face this question. Because it's not just a question, it's a reckoning. When you ask, what do I really want? It's like standing on the edge of a cliff with a blindfold on. You can hear the wind, you can feel the ground vibrating. You sense something big, but you have no idea whether what's ahead is a soft landing or just a free fall. And the feelings that show up, whew. Yeah, so they're loud and it's gonna show up like guilt. And it's the voice that whispers, How dare you want more when everyone else is happy with who you've been? And then there's Captain Fear. Like, if I start changing things, what happens to the people who rely on me? And then there's the jerk face, shame. What if I realize I've built a whole life around something that isn't even mine? Like if these voices sound familiar, you're not alone. It's the exact cocktail that keeps so many brilliant, capable, compassionate people stuck. Not because they don't know what they want, but because they're terrified of the cost of wanting it. And the truth that almost no one says out loud is that when you start asking what you want, it will shake things up. Not because you're wrong, but because for years everything was built around you not asking. So relationships might shift, routines might crumble, comfort zones will definitely scream. But that discomfort, it's not danger, it's growth. It's just being dramatic. So a little neuroscience candy for your brain, that amygdala that I'm obsessed with, it's the part of your brain that's responsible for detecting a threat. It doesn't know the difference between real danger and emotional risk. So when you start imagining life outside the box, your body is going to react like there's a tiger in the room. That's why your heart races. That's why your brain goes blank. That is why Netflix suddenly becomes very compelling. But the tiger isn't real. It's just truth trying to stretch its legs. Like let me tell you about Leah. Yeah. Her name's changed. So Leah was the responsible one, the glue, the fixer, the kind of person who'd volunteer before anybody even asked. And she built her whole life around being indispensable. And she had the job, the house, the everything's fine smile. But inside she was exhausted. And when her marriage ended, everyone expected her to bounce back quickly. Because that's what Leah did. She fixed things. But instead, she found herself standing in her half-empty living room, whispering the question she'd avoided her whole life. What do I actually want? And she didn't have the answer. Just this mix of fear and freedom swirling around in her chest. And for the first time, there wasn't a script to follow. There was nobody to please. There was nobody to fix. And she told me later, Steph, Steph, it felt like standing in front of a blank canvas with a brush in my hand and realizing that I've only ever painted what other people told me to. And that moment that was the start. And hey, it didn't happen overnight. It was messy. Someday she felt brave, and someday she wanted to crawl back into like those old familiar patterns. But slowly and choice by choice, she started to build a life that actually fit. She got this whole new vocabulary. She started saying things. These were her favorites. She was like, I don't actually want to do that. And then her favorite one was like, I need time to think. Like she loved the pause. It was like she realized that she was a reflector and that she needed to like take things away. And she knew that if she didn't want was in what was in front of her, she didn't have to have an alternative ready at the go. She could just say, I want something different. And unbeknownst to her, the world didn't end. She actually found herself. Or another story to bring this to life. I want to tell you about Maya. Maya's 39. She's the nice one in the group. So she's the glue that tied everybody together. Same thing in her family. If she wasn't around, nobody would talk to each other. So she would be the connector. She was the employee who gets everything done and passes the credit on to the greater team. And she can read a room in five seconds flat. She was really good at saying yes when her body was screaming no. But she'd built a life that looked good, the kind of good that photographs well, the kind that people envy on the Instagram, the kind that looks safe. But one random Tuesday night, Maya's in her kitchen, and she's standing under those ugly lights, reheating some pasta for like the third night in a row, and out of nowhere she hears it. It's just a little whisper, and it was like, what do you really want? And everything's freezes. Fork midair, pasta dripping, because she doesn't know. She doesn't know. And over the next few weeks, the whisper got louder, follows her to work, taps her on the shoulder during family dinners, wakes her up at 3 a.m. like a cosmic nudge that she never asked for. And then one day she stops trying to push it away. She starts with one brave microscopic act. She quits the committee that she's been chairing out of guilt for years. She's just like, I'm done. And then she's like, What do I do with my Wednesday nights? Well, she signed up for a pottery class that she's been wanting to take since she was 17. And then, this is big. She tells her sister, no, for the first time ever, when she's asked to host another family dinner. And I asked her, she told me, I was like, was it easy? No, people. People were confused and some were annoyed. And she was like, I second guess myself all the time, every single step of the way. But something incredible happened. Her world didn't collapse. It actually got wider. She found herself laughing in that pottery class in a way that she hadn't done in years. And she realized how much energy she'd been spending managing everyone else's comfort. And somewhere between shaping clay and sitting in the quiet, Maya admitted something that she'd buried pretty deep. She didn't actually want the shiny corporate job. She wanted to run a small studio to teach and create and to live differently. She listened long enough to figure out that that was the song in her heart. And this isn't a story about quitting your job. It's not a story about pottery. It's a story about permission. The moment you give yourself permission to want something, even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else, your life starts shifting towards what's real. Let's zoom out for a second. Because I know what happened to Maya isn't magic, it's neuroscience. And when you connect with what you actually want, not what's expected of you, not what looks impressive, not what keeps people comfortable. You're activating intrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation is the fuel behind joy and creativity and fulfillment. It's when you do something because it matters to you. Your brain loves this. It rewards you with dopamine and serotonin and all the feel-good chemicals. You feel alive, you feel connected, and it 10x's when you're doing it on purpose. So many of us stumble into it by accident. And it's gone so fast we hardly know how to duplicate it. Because when your life runs on external validation, the people pleasing, the gold stars, the performance, your stress system stays on simmer. Your cortisol builds up, your burnout creeps in, like a house guest that won't leave. And you end up living a life that's technically good, but emotionally flat. That's why asking, what do I really want? isn't just some fluffy self-help line. It's a neurological shift. You're taking the wheel back from autopilot. And no, it doesn't mean that you have everything figured out overnight, but it does mean that you're starting to listen to your own damn voice again. And that is everything. Now let's make this real for you. I want you to imagine that you and I are sitting across from each other, coffee's in hand, and you've just said it. I don't even know what I want anymore. First, that's okay. Not knowing isn't failure. It's the beginning. So let's get practical. Because knowing this is powerful, but doing something about it, that's the real mojo. So if you've spent years, decades silencing what you want, this isn't gonna feel very natural. And if you're a people pleaser, you might be an overachiever and a perfectionist. So it's gonna feel awkward and clunky, and we don't like these things. It's like trying to do yoga in skinny jeans. It's not cute. But the person on the other side of this is unstoppable. So let's start here. Step one, the hell yes, hell no list. Grab a notebook or a napkin, your notes app, whatever. Draw a line down the middle, and on one side, everything that energizes you. Even just a little. And on the other side, everything that drains you. No editing, no, but I should, or they'll be mad. Fuck it, just the truth. You're gonna learn a lot about what your soul's been trying to whisper for years. Step number two, separate want from guilt. Every time your brain throws a, but what will they think, or anything that looks anything like that, just pause. This is not your soul speaking, it's your conditioning. Guilt is not a compass, it's a distraction. Wanting something for yourself doesn't make you a villain in someone else's story. Moving on to step number three. Let desire exist without proof. You don't need a five-year plan to admit that you want something. You don't need permission to dream. Desire doesn't need to be practical to be true. Like when you let your wants exist without judgment, they really start to get clearer and louder and closer. Then move on to step number four. The micro moves. Don't leap off the cliff. Just take a step towards it. Say no to something that you always say yes to. Sign up for the class, block off a weekend, speak your want out loud to someone safe. Because this is about building trust with yourself again. You're not chasing a finish line, you're reconnecting with your voice. This is a marathon, not a sprint. And start with the smallest want. Because if what do I want for my life feels too big, super fair. Just zoom in for a bit. What do I want for today? What kind of morning do I want to have? What do I want to stop pretending I like? The goal isn't a perfect answer, it's a relationship with yourself. And there's a ripple effect, because here's the kicker. When you start answering this question honestly, it shifts everything. Your relationships change because you stop showing up from obligation and start showing up from truth. And your goals change because they're rooted in desire and not your duty. I said duty. And then your energy changes because pretending is exhausting. But alignment just is breathing energy into you all day long. It feels like Christmas every day. And yeah, some people aren't gonna like it. And that is real. But those right people, the ones who love you, not the version of you that keeps everybody comfortable. Yeah, they're gonna stay. Because when you build a life around what you want, not just what's expected, you don't have to keep proving your worth. You just live it. I want you to close your eyes for a second. Unless you're driving, then you know, maybe don't do that. Imagine it's five years from now and you didn't talk yourself out of your wants. You didn't silence the whisper. You listened. What does your life look like? What's different? What did you say yes to? What did you finally let go of? What did you build for you? That vision, that feeling, that's your compass. Not guilt, not fear, that. Because here's the thing, love. This question, what do I really want? It's not dangerous. It's honest. It's your soul sending you a calendar invite titled, Hey, it's your life, RSVP, love you. You don't have to have the perfect answer today. You just have to stop pretending that you don't hear the question. And you can whisper it and you can write it down, or you can speak it into the mirror, and then just listen. Because that whisper, that's your truth, and it's trying to find its way home. And I can tell you that once you get through the fear, it's the most exciting seed in the house. So I need you to do something for me. If this episode cracked something open for you, if it made you pause, don't keep it to yourself. Share it, tag it, tag me, text your bestie, send it to that one friend who's been living on autopilot, and they'll thank you later. So let's get out there and start normalizing, choosing ourselves, because the world doesn't need another version of who they want you to be. It needs you. And this has been Pocketful of Mojo and your truth, that's your superpower. That's it for me, my friends. I'm gonna see you next time. Ciao for now. Too-doo, kangaroo! Love you, bye.
