35. How to Climb Out the Dark Hole That You are Living In 5 Steps: Embrace Vulnerability and Find Your Purpose Through Healing

Buried traumas often resurface in the most unexpected moments, leaving us grappling with feelings of worthlessness and confusion. Join me as I recount a vivid nightmare that became the catalyst for one of the most transformative periods of my life. 

This episode is an emotional exploration of overcoming suffering in silence, where I share my journey through therapy, self-care, and the pivotal decision to choose oneself. Together, we'll confront the fear of loneliness and abandonment, learning to embrace vulnerabilities and establish healthy boundaries. By sharing this personal story, I hope to empower you to break free and find your path from pain to purpose.

Facing our inner demons requires courage and a willingness to be vulnerable. Many of us unknowingly place blocks in our lives, hindered by the fear of judgment and success. We dive into the challenging journey of self-forgiveness and recognizing patterns of self-abandonment. Through addressing our inner child and past traumas with the guidance of a trauma-informed therapist, healing is possible.

 As a coach, I aim to guide you in identifying and overcoming limiting beliefs, aligning with your true values, and nurturing relationships without losing yourself. Embark on this transformative journey with me and discover the strength that lies within you.

Chapters

• 0:00 Overcome Suffering in Silence
• 8:46 Embracing Vulnerabilities and Healthy Boundaries

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

I was at a family function and we were all out there. I see my cousins and my aunt and my uncles and my husband and all of our children out playing and we're barbecuing, listening to music, playing dominoes and having a good time. And then all of a sudden, these cars come down the road and when they stop, all I hear is someone say, oh shoot. And they run in the house. And when they run in the house, everybody runs in the house. You know, one person runs, we all running, and so we're in the house and we're hiding. They're like, oh my gosh, they're out to kill me and we can't go anywhere. And then the next thing I know I'm up in the air in a plane, going out the window, walking across the wing of the plane, jumping onto another plane so I can help save people in the air. And then I see one person go right to the edge and I go to reach for her arm and I grab her. The next thing I know I'm in a grocery store and I'm hiding behind the ship aisle. And when I'm hiding I look over and I see a police officer who's also hiding and is telling me to shh. I look at him and I peek around the corner and I realize that the same crew that had just interrupted my family's gathering was there robbing the store. And there's this little girl who went to step out because, of course, she probably didn't know any better, and I jumped up to grab her, and that's when I woke up.

Speaker 1: 2:10

Why did I have a crazy nightmare like that? I have no clue, but one thing that I do know is that it seemed like it had been years since I had a good night's sleep. My soul was exhausted and I was past tired. Have you ever been through an experience and it changed you forever? Well, for me, that was my mental breakdown. It changed me forever. It let me know that the help that I continue to receive by going to therapy and venting to other people and suffering in silence and not sharing what I'm going through when I'm not in therapy All it did was lead to my ultimate mental breakdown, breakdown, all of my traumas flooding in from since I can remember.

Speaker 1: 3:07

To be honest, I thought I had processed them and that I had moved past them, but in reality I just buried them, and now they have dug up themselves and was here and present, and it felt like everything was the day that it happened. Even if it happened in my childhood, it felt like it was happening at the present moment. Even if it happened in my young adulthood, it felt like it was happening at that present moment. If it happened in my teen years, it felt like it was happening at that present moment. If it happened in my teen years, it felt like it was happening in that present moment.

Speaker 1: 3:49

All of those individual traumas was all happening at once, in one moment, right now, and I didn't know what to do and it broke me and it broke me. I've never even felt so much pain, worthlessness, agony, suffering, loneliness, confusion. I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to sleep so it could go away. But I couldn't sleep because then I'll jump up with nightmares. But then I couldn't stay awake because I didn't get enough rest. I couldn't eat because my body was in so much turmoil that it wouldn't accept the food and the drink that my family was trying to get me to intake. I was tired and really I was exhausted, and if there's a word that is beyond exhausted, it's beyond that. My poor children wondering if mom was ever going to be okay again, not truly understanding what I'm going through. But how could they, when I didn't understand my poor husband cuddling me and I know he was thinking please go get in that shower, but all I did was cry, cry, pass out and wake up screaming. That was my routine that night, though. I was done. I wanted help. I wanted to feel something other than the pain that I was feeling. I finally decided it was time to choose me, love me, help me, embrace me. I was tired of not being enough, being lonely and being abandoned, and in that moment I realized that I had even abandoned myself, even abandoned myself.

Speaker 1: 6:15

Do you have a fear of loneliness and abandonment, and is your soul exhausted? Be honest with yourself. Yes, it may be hard to admit, but you do not have to do it alone. I encourage you not to abandon yourself, but take time to overcome loneliness, fear and exhaustion placed in your life. Embrace your vulnerabilities. Establish healthy boundaries. Discover your authentic self. The boundaries Discover your authentic self. Hey, hey, welcome. To Overcome Suffering in Silence, it's time for you to stop people pleasing and create your better life.

Speaker 1: 7:01

I am Crystal J, the Empowerment Goddess and your somatic, trauma-informed Life Coach. This season has already started in a way I couldn't even imagine. Now are you ready for some realness, raw healing and a glimpse into what it feels like to walk in peace, clarity and purpose, while truly knowing who you are? If your answer is yes, then you've come to the right place. For the past two decades, I've been blessed to share my journey with countless women and a few men, empowering them to overcome the lingering shadows of physical, emotional, psychological and sexual abuse. Together, we confront the limitations that hold us back, like self-doubt, guilt, fear, shame and that pervasive sense of unworthiness. Dig deep to uncover the root of these feelings. Break free from the inner pain of suffering and silence. Find faith, grow in that faith and embrace the life that is meant for you. Enjoy the real stories and practical advice, life-enhancing skills and spiritual wisdom to guide you from pain to purpose, self-doubt to confidence and confusion to clarity. So let's leave the struggle bus behind and embark on this journey to discover the freedom, beauty and strength that lies within you. Remember you are not alone and you are enough when times get tough. Pray, listen and follow through, because God loves you, and trust me when I say he is not your trauma. Welcome to Overcome Suffering in Silence with Crystal J.

Speaker 1: 8:46

Forgiving yourself for abandoning yourself is a hard realization for some of us to realize, and I know because I was there. I finally realized that I abandoned myself. What does that? What made that look like? What made that look like? For me and some of my clients, it looks like taking care of everybody else and not taking care of ourselves. It also meant that we was our own worst critic, poured more negativity in ourselves than anybody else around us, in ourselves than anybody else around us, because we kept suffering in silence, telling ourselves that we're not enough, that we're supposed to take care of everybody else and that's the only thing that we're good for. Took the opportunity to look deeper to why we never took the opportunity to look deeper within ourselves for the root of our agony, of our agony. Instead, there was times to where we would blame others, but for the majority, we blamed ourselves. It was our fault that we were sexually abused. It was our fault that we were mistreated. It was our fault that the sky was blue. Literally everything was our fault.

Speaker 1: 10:33

And so you might be living your life thinking that everything is your fault and that everything isn't going better, and that everything is going wrong in your life, and no matter how much you want it to be better. You don't deserve for it to be better. But the tricky part is, you may not even realize that you have that block telling you that you don't deserve better. Instead, you are showing that with your actions. Instead of going for that promotion that you want, you're just sitting in your current position silently telling yourself that person isn't equipped, or I should have that position, but you're like you know what, I'm not good enough. They will never promote me. You may be wanting to have a conversation with someone that you feel is trustworthy, but instead you're telling yourself no, I can't have that conversation, I'm just going to be judged. So those are examples of blocks that you're putting in your life because you're not taking action, and so it's time for you to not abandon yourself by staying silent, because, just like you're scared of everybody else judging you, mistreating you, abandoning you, you are doing those same things to yourself.

Speaker 1: 12:21

It's about taking time to overcome the loneliness, fear and exhaustion that is placed in your life, the loneliness of if you don't always show up or you don't always say yes, then you're that you're just going to end up in a lonely world, when, in reality, anytime that you're alone, you feel lonely. You can be in a room full of people, but you feel lonely because you don't feel like anyone understands you. But have a question for you Do you understand yourself? You live in with this fear of abandonment, fear of judgment, fear of seceding. Yeah, you can have a fear of seceding, even though in the back of your mind, you really want to secede Again.

Speaker 1: 13:25

Fear is another block. So you're sitting in exhaustion because of all of these limiting beliefs and these blocks in your life, and it's time for you to embrace your vulnerabilities. Yes, you're like, oh my gosh, I don't want to be vulnerable. You're like, oh my gosh, I don't want to be vulnerable.

Speaker 1: 13:47

And, to be honest, one of the hardest things that I had to do was be vulnerable with myself. Because, see, when we're vulnerable with others, we're being vulnerable. We're telling them what we're feeling and we may even tell them a little bit more than we may have told someone else. But when you're vulnerable with yourself, oh, you're going all the way in, you're bringing it all up and you're saying, well, you know what? What can I do to change this? This area, right here, I can't touch. This area, right here, I can't touch this is so vulnerable that my inner child has went and locked herself away or locked himself away and refused to come out. And with my inner child locked away, I'm not complete. How can I open that door and be reunited? Because once I do, I feel that there's going to be a whole lot of pain that's going to flow into my life and with that I say that's where you find you a good therapist to work with. That is trauma informed, to help you with opening back up, because that right, there is going to open up a flow of some of probably your traumatic experiences are probably your traumatic experiences, and so it's about having someone to have that person, that expert, with you.

Speaker 1: 15:39

Do I talk about embrace your vulnerabilities? Yes. Do I work with clients who are embracing their vulnerabilities? Yes, yes, the difference between me and a therapist is that when you are below your baseline that you need a therapist and I'm not a therapist your therapist helps you when you're below baseline to where you're like, oh, I can't function. To where you're not even. To where you're at like that point of, oh, maybe a mental breakdown or almost mental breakdown where you're not even. To where you're at, like that point of maybe a mental breakdown or almost mental breakdown where you were living in that depression, but you haven't any help. You're not at your norm. Okay, as a coach, I help you embrace your vulnerabilities that are going to help you move forward, those blockages, those limiting beliefs, helping you determine your vision, your purpose, your passion, your needs, your wants, and helping you remove the obstacles out your way so that way you can succeed in accomplishing them.

Speaker 1: 16:51

Succeed in living in your values, because your values may be different from the values that you were raised with, but just because your values are different and your, just because your values are different, doesn't mean that you have to abandon your family and your friends from the past. And a lot of times, that's what keeps people from embracing their own values, because they feel like they have to distance themselves from everybody else. And that's not necessarily true. Especially if you have a healthy environment, a healthy relationship, or even if your values do change, you can talk to people and let them know hey, this is what I believe in and it's about respecting each other. It's about establishing those healthy boundaries.

Speaker 1: 17:51

And, yes, it's hard for us to sometimes accept new boundaries. Just think about it when you learn new things and someone's like well, you know, say that you started a new job and you have experienced in that job and they're like, okay, well, with your position you do A, b, c, and then such and such does D E, f, and you looking at the task and you're like, oh well, I know how to do D-E-F. But then when you do D-E-F they let you know hey, you may have know this, but you overstepped the boundary Because that's this person's job and I want you to stay in yours Because things may change and if things change with D-E-F, you won't know that change because you don't live in D-E-F, you live in A-B-C and so it's about respecting the boundaries. It's also like when you're playing football or you're watching football, right, you have the guys on the field and they're playing the game, and then you have a teammate and the coaches who aren't playing on the sideline, and anytime that the coach or the team or anybody goes over the boundary of the sideline onto the field when the game is in motion, then guess what, that's a penalty for that team. So when you're setting healthy boundaries, when someone cross that line, you can set a penalty for that, for them crossing that line. I've seen where one game there was, a there was um. I was watching with my husband, there was a coach and I guess he used he's always crossing that line because now he literally has someone who's literally walking behind him, pulling him back and everything else from the guys that are on the field playing to make sure he doesn't cross that boundary. So they learned the repercussions from crossing that boundary line and so it's going to take people, especially when there's new boundaries, to learn not to cross that boundary. But it's important for you to have that boundary and once they can get used to that boundary and respect that boundary, y'all's relationship will also be healthier and more successful and more successful. And when you take these steps along with others, they all help you in your journey of healing and in your journey of discovering who you are, so that way you can start living as your authentic self.

Speaker 1: 21:13

It's a process, yes, it is, but the good news is you don't have to discover that process. You don't have to figure it out and wonder if it's possible, because I'm telling you that it's possible, figure it out and wonder if it's possible because I'm telling you that it's possible. My clients have shared how it's possible. Because why we are there living as our authentic selves? Because we know who we are as individuals. Now Do life still happen? Yes, but that's why we are equipped with a tool bag of tools, which are skills and techniques and resources to pull from when we go through life, because life is going to continue to be life.

Speaker 1: 22:04

So, if you are ready to begin to discover your authentic self, establishing healthy boundaries, embracing your vulnerabilities, overcome the loneliness, the fear and the exhaustion, and forgive yourself for abandoning yourself, so that way you can live the life that you envision the life of purpose, the life of fulfillment, then you go to wwwcrystaljcom. Forward slash Black Friday pre-sale. Enter your email and then you're going to receive a 40% off code. Use that code and book your one-on-one coaching session, and or join the six-month who am I? Program and remember you are not alone and you are enough when things get tough, pray, listen and follow through. God loves you and trust me when I say he is not your trauma. See you next week.