Ep. 36 Setting Boundaries to Break Down Emotional Walls That Are Triggered During The Holiday Season: Empower Yourself and Transform Relationships

Are you dreading the family gatherings for the holiday season?

Do you get anxious when thinking about being around certain people or certain situations?

What if the walls you've built to protect yourself are the very barriers keeping you from healing? 

Join me as we unpack the emotional complexities of using isolation as a defense mechanism against life’s hurtful blows. We uncover how these self-imposed fortresses can trap unresolved feelings like shame and guilt, and highlight the importance of replacing them with healthy boundaries. Discover the transformative power of self-acceptance and self-empowerment, and learn actionable steps to overcome the limitations set by past traumas. This episode promises insights into fostering personal growth by setting boundaries that nurture self-respect and balance in all your relationships.

Creating meaningful connections while maintaining autonomy is a delicate dance. Tune in to explore the importance of setting clear and assertive boundaries that honor both your needs and those of others. We discuss practical ways to identify and communicate personal limits with love and clarity, steering away from anger or shame. Whether navigating complex family dynamics or fostering professional relationships, establishing these boundaries promotes personal growth and encourages those around you to adopt healthier behaviors. Embrace the journey of self-reflection and self-awareness, and build a supportive environment that can inspire change in both you and your loved ones.

Chapters

• 0:00 Breaking Down Walls and Setting Boundaries
• 6:06 Empowerment Through Setting Healthy Boundaries
• 19:56 Creating Healthy Relationships Through Boundaries

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

someone makes you feel uncomfortable, what do you do? Have you been hurt so much that you don't let people in? You see, many have decided to stay away and isolate themselves from other people, from the world from outside, and sometimes, when they're isolating, you may be isolating by yourself, you may be isolating with your immediate family, but you've turned off the outside network of people that you could have. That you have had because of the pain that's inside is so overwhelming and, honestly, you just don't know what to do with it. You just know that you no longer want to feel that pain and you know it's not fair to feel that pain. And so you've isolated. You've built this wall to where no one can come in and, at the same time, you've trapped yourself inside with all the pain, maybe even shame, maybe even guilt, maybe embarrassment that you have been feeling. You've built this wall to protect yourself from others, but you've trapped yourself inside. The pain's not gone. You may feel better, but it's really just buried deep inside you and it will still come out. That's what living with a wall is, and so now it's time for you to stop living with walls and establish boundary lines.

Speaker 1: 1:39

Are you ready? Are you really living with a wall instead of a boundary? And are you ready to say goodbye to those walls and say yes to healthy boundaries? Because that wall is blocking your view, your true growth, and is keeping the pain inside. It's time to set them free. This is your time to say yes to yourself. This is your time to start elevating your life and receive the guidance that you've been wishing for, because, guess what? I'm right here. I am the empowerment goddess. I am your who am I? Expert in somatic, trauma-informed life coach. So it's time for you to go to wwwcrystaljcom.

Speaker 1: 2:33

Forward slash Black Friday pre-sale and get that 40% off code that you can put in to book your one-on-one coaching sessions that is personalized for you, that you can use for either one session or many sessions it's up to you, as long as you schedule them before Black Friday or take this opportunity to jump into the six-month all-in exclusive who Am I program that helps you to overcome the limitations of trauma, that helps you discover who you are, that helps you embrace who you are, find your vision, find your purpose, find where you want to be in life and go for it with someone who can help you take action and reach the level of life that you've been dreaming of. It's your time to say yes to yourself and claim that better career, the better relationships in your life, the better personal life and social life that you've been wanting it's yours, and all you have to do is go again to wwwcrystaljcom forward slash Black Friday Pre -Sale, receive your code and then you can use that 40% off to receive coaching services at only $40 a session. That is mind blowing. It's never been at this price. And then, if you're even brave enough and you're really truly ready to take action, jump into the six month who Am I program. In my program, this is going from $2,227 all the way down to $1,336. That's almost over a thousand dollars in savings. So take action today. It's never been at this price and these are the only times in the last time that this will ever be at these prices. So take action today. Go to wwwcrystaljcom forward slash Black Friday pre-sale. That is wwwcrystalj com forward slash Black Friday Pre-Sale. Receive this gift of this 40% off code and then take action by going to the book online and choosing either the one-on-one coaching sessions or the who at Six Month who Am I program. That's all inclusive. That helps you overcome the limitations of trauma. You get to gain many, many, many coping skills, mechanisms and techniques that you will have for life, because once you learn it, it's yours. Can't. No one take that from you? You will find who you are, embrace who you are and begin living who you are, while claiming a better career, a better personal life and a better social life. So take action today. I am ready to start working with you and I'm excited to see you in our sessions. This is for you, hey, hey, welcome.

Speaker 1: 6:06

To Overcome Suffering in Silence, it's time for you to stop people pleasing and create your better life. I am Crystal J, the empowerment goddess and your somatic, trauma-informed life coach. This season has already started in a way I couldn't even imagine. Now, are you ready for some realness, raw healing and a glimpse into what it feels like to walk in peace, clarity and purpose, while truly knowing who you are? If your answer is yes, then you've come to the right place.

Speaker 1: 6:39

For the past two decades, I've been blessed to share my journey with countless women and a few men, empowering them to overcome the lingering shadows of physical, emotional, psychological and sexual abuse. Together, we confront the limitations that hold us back, like self-doubt, guilt, fear, shame and that pervasive sense of unworthiness. Dig deep to uncover the root of these feelings. Break free from the inner pain of suffering and silence. Find faith, grow in that faith and embrace the life that is meant for you. Enjoy the real stories and practical advice, life-enhancing skills and spiritual wisdom to guide you from pain to purpose, self-doubt to confidence and confusion to clarity. So let's leave the struggle bus behind and embark on this journey to discover the freedom, beauty and strength that lies within you. Remember you are not alone and you are enough. When times get tough, pray, listen and follow through, because God loves you, and trust me when I say he is not your trauma.

Speaker 1: 7:52

Welcome to Overcome Suffering in Silence with Crystal J. And so today, on Overcome Suffering in Silence, we are going to be talking about techniques for setting and maintaining boundaries, and we're going to talk about how setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is essential in nurturing self-respect and creating balanced relationships. It's about establishing boundaries so that you can move forward in your healing journey, because boundaries is what's going to help you, not walls. Now, to establish boundaries, you first need to understand what your limits are, what your visions are, what are your values. Who causes what reaction and what reaction does it cause, and where does that reaction come from, causes what reaction and what reaction does it cause and where does that reaction come from. So, when you know what boundary to place, the who, the what, the why, what are the repercussions of someone crossing that boundary line? It's all about boundaries today, so I want you to reflect on what you can tolerate and accept, as well as what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. We're going to talk about clearly communicating these limits to others, your boundaries to others. We're going to talk about how to communicate that with other people.

Speaker 1: 9:21

Okay, okay, and how it should be done in a calm and assertive way, but not apologetic, because you're not apologizing for having boundaries, because having the boundaries is a good thing, and so you're not apologizing for having boundaries, but you're asking them to respect them, and sometimes it's going to take a few reminders. It's just like someone learning to ride a bike for the first time. Or you started a new job and, even though you've done the role before at a previous employer, this one might have new rules, and so you got to find out what those rules are. This is the same thing when you're learning boundaries, you are teaching someone something new to them and, honestly, if you are just now learning to set boundaries or going deeper in setting your boundaries. This is new for you, so you got to learn what those boundaries are, what the repercussions are. Is there somewhere where you can? Maybe you have a boundary space to where you can compromise on a boundary right? Because boundaries you're going to have them with the people you know you're going to have them with coworkers. You're going to have them with the people you know you're going to have them with coworkers. You're going to have them with your spouse, with your children, with your siblings, with your parents, with everyone. Okay Now, one of the main keys to maintaining the boundaries that you're setting is clear communication and consistency.

Speaker 1: 10:41

It's about standing firm, even if others test and push against your boundary lines, and remember it's okay to say no without feeling guilty, because this is your boundary and no one can tell you where your boundary line is, and that is why it's really important for you to understand what your boundary line is and making sure that you're coming out of a place of calmness and clarity when you are establishing these boundaries, instead of coming out of a place of confusion, pain, shame, guilt and anger. It's also important to know that you may have boundaries and others may have boundaries, and it's about respecting each other's boundaries. And boundaries aren't just for you to say no, just for you to push people away. They're about creating a safe space, a healthy space, a community of space that is healthy and allows for an empowered life.

Speaker 1: 11:42

Setting boundaries are as huge as it can break toxic cycles. It can break generational bad habits. It can break not being able to communicate. It can break the feeling of not feeling worthy. It can break the feeling of not feeling understood because you are communicating what your boundaries are and how things are making you feel. That is why this is vital for you and why I love to share this all the time, especially around the holidays, when people and families are getting together, because sometimes we don't have the best relationships, the best ways to communicate.

Speaker 1: 12:21

But guess what? You may be that one person that goes, that comes in the room, that shows up with a big smile and happy and peaceful and calming. And you may be that one person that this year, you are communicating what your boundaries are to, where people can start learning to accept them and respect them, and when people are learning to accept them and respect them, and when people are learning to accept them and respect them. Then guess what? You have others who are witnessing it and they're witnessing this change. Be the change, be the transformation for yourself. But guess what? When you're transforming for the better for yourself, those around you also see that change and sometimes picks up on those behaviors. So be the example.

Speaker 1: 13:14

Now this is the perfect time to share this episode with, let's say, two family members that you know that you will probably see this week or that you're missing. Share this episode because we can all learn something about setting boundaries Right. What are boundaries? Boundaries can be physical, psychological and emotional. Ok, healthy boundaries help you to decide what is acceptable behavior and what is not, and when it is needed to protect yourself from harm. Because we all know that our body has this automatic alarm right Of protection the fight flight, freeze. Right. Our autonomic nervous system, which includes the empathetic nervous system. Right the fight flight freeze response. Right. That is our body's alarm.

Speaker 1: 14:24

Setting boundaries helps to prevent manipulation, control and unresolved communication issues. They also help with maintaining healthy relationships and helping to keep your mental health in check. It is sometimes difficult starting out with setting clear boundaries with others. Okay, and that's why relationships and helping to keep your mental health in check. It is sometimes difficult, starting out with setting clear boundaries with others. Okay, and that's why we're going through this. And it's especially difficult if you don't know how, if you don't practice it, if you don't stay consistent with it, or if you don't have a role model that sets healthy boundaries. And so if you don't have that role model that sets healthy boundaries, and so if you don't have that role model, you're going to be that role model. However, it is vital for you, in your personal safety, to learn how to assert yourself and be clear.

Speaker 1: 15:14

Okay, because you use your boundaries in all areas of your life, because most aggressors, they do look for easy targets. So I want you to give yourself permission to use your voice and acknowledge what you see and address the behavior as they come. Yes, sometimes you will need to process it, and please do, but make sure you come around and let the other person know hey, I didn't appreciate blah blah, blah, blah blah. It made me feel blah blah, blah, blah, blah, and I would appreciate that, instead of you doing blah blah, blah, blah, blah, that maybe you can do something like blah blah, blah, blah, blah. Right, so you're going to share that and you're going to use that healthy communication. Okay, what boundary does is that it helps you to respect your time and it respects the other person time because you can have the clarity on the relationships and how to embrace each other.

Speaker 1: 16:16

Okay, when it comes to your mental health, when you have set boundaries, it's about having your own thoughts, knowing your purpose, knowing your values, your vision and having your own opinions, because, guess what? You can have your own opinions. Your values can be different from those of your family or end of your friends. A part of having boundaries is making sure that you're taking mental breaks when needed, making sure that you're seeking professional help when needed. You know, professional help may be a psychiatrist, may be a therapist, it may be me as your coach, but make sure you're seeking professional help when you need it, right.

Speaker 1: 16:50

One thing that I love to do, especially before the holidays, are big things. I love to do a check-in session with my therapist and go through with her and then, after I meet with her, make sure everything's good. I come out with, I come out and I move on, because I've had that check-in and so it's okay with you to have that check-in moments, right, there's certain things that, like I'll check in with my coach. You know the things that I tell y'all I also practice myself have boundaries when it comes to your communication and to your conversations. So you want to let people know what conversations that you are willing to have and those that you're willing to not have.

Speaker 1: 17:24

And you need to also let people know what topics are off limits. You know if they rank off the topic and it's off limits. Instead of storming off, being mad or angry or upset or shutting down, just let them know hey, that is a topic that I'm not willing to discuss. I am more than willing to still have conversations with you, but maybe we can go off this topic. Let them know. And then I want you to also be respectful of others the conversations they are willing to have, the topics that they are willing to discuss, because this is a two-way street. It's not a one-way street where you can have all the boundaries in the world yet you don't respect anybody else's. Because we know that some topics that you may have can be triggering and I want you to let people know that these conversations are triggering to you and then maybe if it's another way that they can communicate about that topic or if they need to leave that topic alone altogether. Let them know that.

Speaker 1: 18:11

But when you do, make sure that you're watching the words, that you're using, the tone of voice that you're using and even your body language. Okay, you're using the tone of voice that you're using and even your body language Okay. When it comes to physical, when it comes to your physical self right, I want you to always remember that no is no. It doesn't matter who or who the person is Okay, it doesn't matter what y'all have done in the past. No is no, okay, but make sure you voice that and you say that. Also, allow people to let people know what touches are OK and what touches aren't OK. You know some people are huggers, some aren't. Some people are willing to give hugs to certain people and hugs not to others, and that is OK.

Speaker 1: 18:48

Be clear and communicate when we set healthy boundaries. It allows us to have freedom, establish respect and to protect ourselves. Have freedom, establish respect and to protect ourselves. It allows us to respect others, set guidelines and expectations, promote healthier relationships. It gives you an opportunity to learn self-awareness, to not be taken advantage of. It helps reduce stress and anxiety. Those are huge that setting.

Speaker 1: 19:17

Having boundaries especially if they're healthy boundaries it helps reduce stress and anxiety. Who has moments of anxiety when they're going somewhere? They're going to a place and they know someone is overbearing, or they know that someone is usually having a conversation that they don't want to have or whatever else right, or being treated a certain way or whatever else, and you'd be anxious because you're like, oh my gosh, I'm about to go to this place, but I got a question for you. When was the last time that you told that person, hey, when you do this, this is how it makes me feel and I really appreciate it. If you don't do that around me, right, we can ask.

Speaker 1: 19:56

All of this allows you to create meaningful relationships with other people, whether it's your partner, your spouse, your siblings, a coworker, a stranger on the street right, a business partner. It helps create a balance for your needs and the needs of others, and what I really love about setting boundaries is it helps us heal unresolved issues and the results or the limitations of past traumas. We can use healthy boundaries to break the bad habits of generational trauma as well as break toxic tendencies. Isn't that great? So how do you feel about setting clear boundaries with others. Are you ready to know how you can do that? One is by starting your work on the inside. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Self-reflection, self-awareness right, because you need to know where it comes from. What boundaries do you need to set in place anyway? What's the who, the what, the why? You got to know these things? You find those things out by looking at yourself and being honest with yourself about what boundaries need to be set, what those repercussions are. You want to do that from a place of love, clarity and understanding and not out of a place of anger, pain, shame, guilt or embarrassment. The peace, love and clarity and understanding is what's going to help you to create those healthy boundaries. And all of that comes with you starting to work within yourself Because, yes, these things have happened to you, yes, you are living in pain, but, yes, you can begin your healing journey and you can set these healthy boundaries instead of walls to help you move forward, to elevate yourself, and to help not only you but, if you have small children or bigger children, to help your children, to help your partner or your spouse, to help your siblings, your mothers, your cousins, whoever your father, whoever your cousins, whoever your father, whoever Along this journey of you setting boundaries and clarity, because guess what?

Speaker 1: 22:04

Sometimes people do not realize that the actions that they take, the way that they communicate, are actually harmful, because if you don't say nothing, how do they know? How many times have you been told something? It's like oh, I didn't know that. That can be the same thing for the way that people treat us or act or the conversations that they have, because different ones have different limits on where they're willing to go and how they're willing to communicate. Right, you may be living with one friend who is just, will share all the details, and sometimes it's like, oh my gosh, that was TMI. But then there's another one who's like don't really share anything, right or any. Is either one of them wrong, no, it's just what they're comfortable with, right, and so it's about sharing that and talking about, like, what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. You know, same thing when it comes to the way that people communicate Some people talk with their hands, some people don't. Some people talk with their hands, some people don't. Some people talk with a lot of passion and some people don't, right. But depending on how you were raised or the environment you was raised in, things that are normal for you may not be normal for others. So how are we supposed to know the best ways to communicate or when we're crossing lines if we don't let them know? And the best way to do that is to do the work within, so that way you even know why you're having these reactions. Have you ever been around someone and, for some reason, you're like your body's on high alert and you're anxious and you're like dang? I don't even know why I'm feeling this way. Well, it's time to take a step back and figure out why are you feeling that way? And then communicate, set a healthy boundary, and when you're stating your boundaries, I want you to state your boundaries in a direct, clear manner. I want you to use positive terms rather than talking about what you don't want from them. Right? I want you to avoid using criticism or blaming the other person when communicating your boundary, that you're setting or that you have set. Okay, I want you to give the other person a chance to respond, ask questions so they can gain clarity and reflect back on what you have said. That's a part of healthy communication. I want you to acknowledge the feelings of the other person. Even if you disagree with that person, you can still acknowledge their feelings, right? I want you to be consistent with your boundaries. Not one day something be okay, the next day it's not okay. We're not doing that. This is the boundary, okay? Um, be willing to listen to others and to discuss the situation further if needed. Right? It may be that, instead of you know, maybe that person may be like look, I'm really bad at remembering things. This is a habit for me, so I would really love if you give me a little bit to get used to it. And when I do cross it, can you please just remind me, right, that's something that is compromising and that you should be willing to work with right, especially if the person is willing to accept the boundary and they're just saying, hey, my memory sucks and this is a habit. Can you help me? Right? Are you willing to do that for your person in order to establish a healthy relationship where you have less anxiety or less anxiousness or less anger or less feelings of unworthiness? Wouldn't that be worth it? When it comes to setting boundaries, one of the examples of a boundary that can be set is you have someone who comes in and they are always negative and they're talking down all the time and you don't want to be around negativity, you don't want to be around someone that's talking down all the time, right, but y'all have a mutual group that you all be with, right? What you can do is pull the person to the side and be like, hey, you know, I noticed that a lot of the times that when you are conversating or you're talking, you say a lot of negative things, negative things, like, and give them examples of the negative things that they've said. You say those negative things. It kind of puts negative energy out in the atmosphere and I really love to be around positive things and I really love, I really enjoy being around you. But can we add some positivity in that? You know, one thing that I do when I speak negative is when I say something negative, I back that up with a positive. You know, would you be willing to try that, like, give them the example of what? Because some people might not realize they're saying, hey, I'm always saying something negative. You know, bring that up to them. It may be when one's talking and they're trying to bring a point across and maybe they'd be full of passion, and it makes their voice seem like they're being very rude or making them seem like they are yelling. You can sit there and be like, hey, can you bring it down a little bit? You're getting a little loud. I would love to hear what you have to say, but when you speak louder, with so much force, my mind kind of goes out to another direction, because it then seems like you're speaking at me in a negative tone. But if you're willing to bring it down a little bit, I can really process and listen and understand to what you're saying, right? That's another example. Okay, let's see. Oh, you may be someone who is co-parenting, right, and you're trying to find the best way to co-parent your child, and it's about also communicating with that other person. And even if that other person is maybe coming at you in a strong, not respecting you tone, then let them know. Hey, I'm willing to have this conversation with you, but I need you to bring it down, because when you're speaking to me like that, I'm not paying attention to anything that you're saying and it's not the best thing for our child. And I really want to make sure that we're the best parents that we can be for our child, and so I really want to communicate and have a better a healthy relationship with you, but while it seems like you're attacking me, I can't have conversations with you. So if you're going to only talk to me in a way that you're attacking me, then it's best for us to not even have long conversations, you know? Or if you have, you know a person that could be a healthy medium to where that person does the communication for y'all. Then maybe y'all can talk about that person going in. You can do mediation. It's all these different things. And yes, I understand when we're talking about setting healthy boundaries with people who are toxic or have toxic behaviors, because sometimes let's get it correct Sometimes the people themselves are not toxic, they just have toxic, bad behaviors, and guess what that can be? Those can change. And when we are setting boundaries and letting people know, it's also making them aware of the actions that they are taking, which will hopefully they will go through the work of being like man. What is it about me? What is it that I'm doing? Why am I talking that way to this person? I'm really not getting anywhere by talking to her or him that way, right? So don't give up when it comes to setting boundaries, okay. So, overall, I want you to think about your life, your situations and the life you want to live, the things that you are accepting, things you want accepted, things that you will not or that you will accept in the future. Okay, I want you to make sure that you are setting what the boundaries are, who they are for, um, and that you are coming up with repercussions of coming with the boundary now. I want you to be like oh well, this is my boundary and you cross it one time, then screw you and and go to heck and all that other kind of stuff. We're not talking about that. You know, people are a lot of times, people are going to need the reminders, are there going to be people who's going to push it and it's going to be like oh, I forgot. You know, daniel, they didn't forget. Yes, but that's where you have the repercussions in place and if you truly done the work on the inside, you know what um repercussions to put in place, when to enforce them and everything else and to what level. Okay, trust yourself in this, but in order to yourself, you need to be working on being your best self, which is looking within yourself and being honest with yourself about all the things as well. Ok. So that means that when setting healthy boundaries, you're doing some inner work, you're gaining clarity, you're knowing what the boundary is, who, what and when it shall be communicated with right, what the repercussions are when the line is crossed, how you will communicate it. You're going to be patient. You want to use healthy communication, paying attention to your words, your tone and your body language, and even your inner thoughts while you're communicating. I am Crystal J, the Empowerment Goddess, and you're who Am I Expert? I'm a certified somatic, trauma-informed coach and thank you for tuning in and allowing me to empower you to discover who you are, free from the limitations that trauma left behind. I will equip you with skills, techniques and guidance that will help you overcome the limitations of past traumas, discover your authentic self and elevate your career, personal and social life. This has been a knowledgeable episode on setting boundaries, congratulations. Enjoy your week and remember setting boundaries is a great way to begin the transformation wave for yourself and those around you. Leave a review and might as well, while you're doing it, share this episode with your family, group chat or the first person that you think of. Grab your Black Friday pre-sale offer for 40% off, because this is the best sale of the season. There will not be a better sale than this in December. This will not be back, ever at this price. This Black Friday pre-sale makes the one-on-one coaching sessions $40.20 per session, as long as they're booked before Black Friday. It makes the six-month who Am I program go from $22.27 all the way down to $13.36. With the Black Friday pre-sale code, that's 40% off of services y'all, and these prices will never be at this price again. So make sure you grab them, because I want the best for you. You are not alone. Your guidance is here. It's time to take action.