Ep. 41 Putting Others First at Your Own Expense? Learn to Say "Yes" to Yourself.

After years of saying yes to everyone and everything, I hit a breaking point in nursing school that forever changed my perspective on people-pleasing. The revelation that my behavior was a trauma response rooted in the fear of rejection was both eye-opening and transformative. Join me as I unravel the emotional toll of people-pleasing, from the sleepless nights filled with anxiety to the resentment that quietly builds when we neglect our own needs for the sake of others. This episode is not just a recount of struggles but a guide to reclaiming your worth and well-being by learning how to set boundaries without guilt.

Imagine shifting from being the dependable go-to person to someone who prioritizes personal desires and capacities. We'll explore how deeply ingrained patterns, often developed in environments where love and approval were conditional, can impact every aspect of life—from work to personal relationships. As the Empowerment Goddess and Your Somatic Trauma-Informed Coach, I offer practical steps to help you move from automatic people-pleasing to honoring your true self. Learn how to practice the pause before responding and engage in inner dialogues that align with your authentic needs. It's time to break free from the cycle and step into a more fulfilling, authentic life.

• Understanding the impact of conditional love and approval
• Recognizing the cycle of saying yes and its consequences
• The emotional exhaustion tied to people-pleasing patterns
• Exploring the connection between trauma and people-pleasing
• Practical strategies for breaking the habit of people-pleasing
• Importance of practicing the pause for mindful responses
• Checking one's inner dialogue to combat guilt
• Starting with small boundary-setting actions
• Encouragement to challenge habitual responses
• Affirmation that unlearning people-pleasing is possible through self-compassion

Chapters

• 0:00 Breaking Free From People-Pleasing Trauma
• 10:20 Breaking Free From People-Pleasing Patterns

Transcript

Krystal Jae: 0:00

Did you grow up in a household where love and approval were conditional and you only received praise when being good or when you were accommodating others? Or maybe it's that you grew up in a household where love and approval weren't even acknowledged and you received praise on the outside of your house, outside of your family, out in the street is where you learned how to feel loved, valued and wanted. You know, as I got older, I continued to suppress my own needs and desires. I put everyone else's needs before mine, believing that if I didn't, I'd be rejected or abandoned. I thought that being nice or helpful was the way to have friends, was the way to be included, was the way to feel loved and acknowledged.

Krystal Jae: 1:04

At work and in friendships, I often found myself saying yes to things I didn't really want to do, just to avoid conflict. Even though I felt drained or overwhelmed, I would force myself to smile and keep on moving forward. Does that sound familiar to you? I remember agreeing to take on extra projects or to take on extra errands or whatever it was, even though I knew I was stressed. Then I would say yes and take on everything to avoid disappointing my boss, my family, my friends, my teachers, whoever. But inside I felt anxiety building up. It was like I had no space to breathe. But I didn't want to rock the boat. You know, over time I started feeling emotionally exhausted, like I was running on empty. But I kept pushing through because the alternative alternative was saying no, and that was terrifying. If I said no, if I didn't understand, I feared that everyone would think that I wasn't capable, that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't worthy. Have you felt that way? I would often go to bed feeling completely drained, but my mind wouldn't stop going. Why didn't you just say no, I think? Why did you agree to that?

Krystal Jae: 3:01

I felt stuck in a cycle, knowing I needed to set boundaries, but it paralyzed me, it scared me, it frightened me to even begin to think about setting the boundaries. What boundaries would I set? Why am I going to start setting boundaries now when I haven't set boundaries before? What if people leave because I'm setting boundaries now? What about if I'm left all alone because now I decided to set boundaries? The guilt, the fear paralyzed me. But what I didn't realize was that this pattern wasn't just about being nice. It was rooted in my fear of rejection, my fear of abandonment and the belief that I wasn't worthy unless I was constantly giving and giving and giving and giving to others. This people-pleasing was a trauma response and I didn't know it, and I'm sure that you probably didn't know it as well and you probably still don't. You're talking about people-pleasing. You're talking about trauma response. What's that? Everything that I've been talking in this episode it's an attempt to gain love and attention and affection and approval where it wasn't freely given in the past.

Krystal Jae: 4:45

One day I hit a breaking point. I was in nursing school and I was late to an exam and these are exams to where you have an 80% above to move on. And I was late to move on. And I was late knowing that I needed the full time to take these exams. I was scared that I would even be let into the door. But why was I late? Because I said yes to someone else when that yes should have been a no. And now my career, my education, is on the line. Lucky for me, one of the professors was also late, so they hadn't started yet.

Krystal Jae: 5:43

But I didn't know that. Just think about the anxiousness, the fear, the sadness, the guilt and the shame that I felt going in there, knowing that I had did everything to prepare, but I had said yes instead of no. I had did everything to prepare, but I had said yes instead of no, knowing that I was making a decision that I shouldn't make. I wanted to be accepted, loved. I didn't want to be rejected. I didn't want to be abandoned. So, paired with the realization that I was constantly running on empty, this was one of the wake-up calls.

Krystal Jae: 6:27

I soon then began to really understand that people pleasing wasn't a healthy habit, because that's what it was. It was a habit, a habit of saying yes to everyone else even though I should have said no. This was a habit, a habit that has lasted since I could remember. It was also a coping mechanism that was formed from past trauma. Slowly, I learned that I didn't have to earn my word by saying yes to every single thing. It was okay to set boundaries, say no and to prioritize my well-being.

Krystal Jae: 7:13

Now, this process of unlearning people-pleasing has been challenging and it's going to be challenging for you. It has been challenging for some of my clients and, by the way, if you know someone who this sounds familiar, you're like oh man, such and such always do this, or this reminds me. If you've had that aha moment so far. I want you to take time right now and share this episode with someone, because we are going to unlearn people pleasing, this habit that often forms in trauma. We're going to learn to stand firm in our boundaries and honor our needs without guilt, because I'm no longer driven by fear of rejection and I'm finally starting to live for me, and so are my clients. We don't need the approval from others, and it's time for you, your friends, your family, your co-workers, your neighbor to experience the same thing. Hey, hey, welcome. To Overcome Suffering in Silence, it's time for you to stop people pleasing and create your better life.

Krystal Jae: 8:42

I am Krystal Jae, The Empowerment Goddess, and Your Somatic Trauma-Informed Coach. This season has already started in a way I couldn't even imagine. If your answer is yes, then you've come to the right place. For the past two decades, I've been blessed to share my journey with countless women and a few men, empowering them to overcome the lingering shadows of physical, emotional, psychological, and sexual abuse. Together, we confront the limitations that hold us back, like self-doubt, guilt, fear, shame, and that pervasive sense of unworthiness. Dig deep to uncover the root of these feelings. Break free from the inner pain of suffering and silence, find faith, grow in that faith and embrace the life that is meant for you. Enjoy the real stories and practical advice, life-enhancing skills and spiritual wisdom to guide you from pain to purpose, self-doubt to confidence and confusion to clarity. So let's leave the struggle bus behind and embark on this journey to discover the freedom, beauty and strength that lies within you. Remember you are not alone and you are enough. When times get tough, pray, listen and follow through, because God loves you, and trust me when I say he is not your trauma.

Krystal Jae: 10:20

Welcome to Overcome Suffering in Silence with Krystal Jae. So I would like to welcome you back to Overcome Suffering in Silence. Hey, hey, you know me. It's me, Krystal Jae, the Entirement Goddess, your Somatic Trauma Informed Coach, where we uncover the hidden patterns that's holding you back and empower you to step into your full potential. We are overcoming barriers, we are discovering our authentic selves, we are unlocking potential and we are elevating our life. We are embracing success with fulfillment. That's what we do here at Overcome Suffering and Silence. That's what my clients do by working with me, Krystal Jae, and now it's your time.

Krystal Jae: 11:19

So we're diving into something that so many of us do without even realizing it, and today that's people pleasing. If you ever felt the weight of constantly showing up for others at the expense of yourself, this episode is for you, and if you know someone else, this episode is for them. So take time and share this, download this episode to come back later because, as always, there is going to be some action steps at the end. Okay, now we're going to talk about how people-pleasing shows up in sneaky ways, why it happens and, most importantly, how to break free. So let's get into it.

Krystal Jae: 12:08

When I say people-pleasing, a lot of people immediately think of someone who just can't say no. But it's so much deeper than that. It's not just about saying yes when you want to say no. It's about the patterns we've built around keeping others happy, often at the expense of our own needs. Now here are some ways people pleasing might be showing up in your life without you even realizing it.

Krystal Jae: 12:39

You're the go-to person at work or in your family, in your friend circle, at church, wherever. You're that go-to person, and while you take pride in being reliable and being someone that everyone goes to. Really, you're feeling exhausted and you might be suffering in silence, but the thought of taking a step back makes you feel so uncomfortable. You avoid bringing up issues in relationships because you don't want to seem too much or cause conflict or say that something is truly bothering you, because you're scared of the fear of the rejection, the judgment, the possibility of being lonely or making someone angry at you. When making decisions, you find yourself thinking what will they think? Or will they be upset? More than what do I actually want? You feel guilty for taking time for yourself, for setting boundaries, even though you know that you need them Now. Did any of those hit home? If so, you are not alone. And here's the thing.

Krystal Jae: 14:18

This isn't about blaming ourselves or about blaming others, because most of the time, people-pleasing is something we learn. Most of the time, people pleasing is something we learn. It's a survival skill that helps us navigate relationships, workplaces and even childhood experiences. But just because it serves us once doesn't mean it has to define us forever. So why do we do this? Why do so many of us feel this urge to be agreeable, helpful or easy to be around? For a lot of us, it's not something we consciously chose. It's something that was reinforced over time.

Krystal Jae: 15:07

Maybe you grew up in a home where love and approval felt conditional. When you were helpful, easygoing or high achieving, you were praised. So you learn to keep that going, though. You experienced situations where conflict was uncomfortable or even unsafe. So you figured out that keeping the peace was the best way to navigate relationships, no matter what keeping the peace meant for you.

Krystal Jae: 15:47

You were taught that being selfless, accommodating and nice was the right way to be, even if it meant sacrificing your own needs and your own wants, and over time, this became an automatic response. It's not just being nice, it's a pattern. It really is a pattern. But the problem is, when we spend all our time meeting everyone else's needs, we lose sight of our own, and that's where resentment. Resentment, exhaustion and even burnout starts to creep in. Right, can you do you feel that? Can you relate? So, now that we see that it's a pattern, right, we see that people pleasing is a pattern, how do we break the cycle? What do we do now? How do we break this pattern, this habit? How do we start shifting out of this automatic people pleasing load and into a life where we honor ourselves as much as we honor others, let me tell you it starts with small but powerful steps, and here are three ways to begin.

Krystal Jae: 17:21

One practice the pause. What is that? Now, one of the biggest reasons we people please is that we answer too quickly. Is that her to say, someone asked us for something and before we even check in with ourselves, we say, sure, I can do that. I know I'm guilty of that. Instead, I want you to practice the pause right and when someone asks you for something, whether it's a favor, a meeting or even just your time, pause, take a breath and ask yourself do I actually want to do this, do I have the capacity for this? Because you don't have to give an answer right away. And I know sometimes, when we feel like, if we pause, people gonna be like, oh, she don't want to do it and maybe that we want to do it, but we trying to figure out if we have the time to do it right, and so let's take that into consideration. Okay, even when we ask someone, if they pause, it's not always because they don't want to do it. Maybe that they're trying to figure out if they have the time, the capacity to do it. So, again, you don't have to answer right away. A simple let me check, check and then I'll get back to you can give you the space to respond instead of just reacting. Okay, two check your inner dialogue.

Krystal Jae: 19:02

A lot of us say yes not because we want to, but because we feel that we have to. Have you felt that way I have Now pay attention to your thoughts when you're about to agree to something. Are you thinking I really don't want to do this, or is it more like I don't want to disappoint them, I don't want to make them mad, I don't want to leave them hanging and then they're going to go talk about me, you know, let's let's really think about what we are thinking when we're going through this process, because that little shift of awareness can make a huge difference. And if guilt shows up, remind yourself that you are taking care of yourself, and taking care of yourself is not selfish. It's necessary. Write that down. Taking care of myself is not selfish, it's necessary. Okay Now.

Krystal Jae: 20:08

Third one Set small boundaries first. Setting boundaries doesn't have to mean making a huge, dramatic, dramatic change overnight. Okay, I want you to start small. If you always pick up the extra work, try saying I can't take that on this time. If you're always available to talk when someone needs to vent, practice saying I'd love to support you, but I don't have the emotional space for this right now. Have you felt that? Is that easy enough to say? Practice it truly. Write this down. I'll say it again if you're always available to talk when someone needs to vent, I want you to say I love to support you, but I don't have the emotional space for this right now. If that's truly how you feel, say that I would love to support you, but I don't have an emotional or mental space for this right now. The more you do this, the easier it gets. Even if you practice in the mirror, you practice when you're driving a car, whatever, it is okay. It gets easier with practice and the best part, the people who truly, truly, truly respect you will adjust. Yes, there's going to be some people who want to be like they're going to go off or they're going to go about their own thing. Don't take note of it seriously.

Krystal Jae: 21:57

So now that we've covered the what and the why, I want to leave you with a challenge, something you can apply this week. Are you ready? Do you have a pen and paper out? Do you have this downloaded for later. Are you thinking, oh, such and such should hear this, send it to them, put this in the chat. So are you ready? Yet here it is.

Krystal Jae: 22:27

Pay attention to how often you say yes without thinking, and every time you agree to something, take a second to check in with yourself. Ask do I genuinely want to do this? Am I saying yes because I feel obligated? What would it feel like to say no If you catch yourself about to agree at a habit? Try one of these responses instead. Let me think about it and get back to you. I'd love to help, but I don't have the bandwidth right now. That sounds great, but I have to pass this time. You might be surprised at how much power you take back just by giving yourself space to choose.

Krystal Jae: 23:26

So remember people, pleasing isn't who you are. It's a pattern you've learned. And the beautiful thing about patterns they can be unlearned. You can break, you can overcome them. With small shifts, a little courage and a lot of self-compassion, you can start showing up in your life in a way that feels aligned to you, for you, by you. And this is not just with what others need, but with what you need. Isn't that something Now. If this resonated with you this episode, I'd love to hear from you. So leave me a review with your biggest takeaway and then share it on your Facebook or your Instagram and tag me, or share this episode with your group chat.

Krystal Jae: 24:46

Nowadays, everybody has group chat. I don't care if you have Facebook group chat, instagram group everybody has group chat. I don't care if it's Facebook group chat, instagram group chat, text messaging, group chat. Share it, okay. And if you're ready to go deeper into yourself, check out wwwcrystaljanecom. Forward slash breakthrough. Wwwcrystaljanecom. Forward slash breakthrough. That's where you go when you're ready to dive deep into breaking these patterns and stepping up into your full potential. We're talking about elevating your life, getting success with fulfillment. Yeah, you deserve that, and let's get you there. So I will see y'all next time. And remember your needs matter, your voice matters, you matter and and take care and I'll see you next episode. Oh and, by the way, I got a treat for you next episode and I'm pretty sure that you're gonna like it, so make sure that you tune in. This has been overcome. Suffering and silence with me. Krystal Jae bye.