Let's Talk Midlife Crisis Podcast
Hosts Ashley & Traci are creating a community and empowering women going thru midlife and aging, exploring the topic of midlife crisis an all its complexities. This is a space where we can come together to share our stories, our experiences, and our perspectives on this pivotal moment in our lives.
Whether you're going through a midlife crisis yourself, going through menopause, dating in midlife or just interested in learning more about this fascinating topic, we invite you to join us for insightful conversations with experts, personal stories from real people, and practical advice on how to navigate this challenging time.
Our goal is to create a community where we can support each other through the ups and downs of midlife, and help each other find meaning, purpose and fulfillment in the second half of our lives.
So buckle up and get ready for an engaging and thought-provoking journey into the world of midlife crisis. We can't wait to share this adventure with you!
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Let's Talk Midlife Crisis Podcast
Caregiving and Creativity: Debbie's Journey Building Resilience through Adversity
How do you navigate the emotional turbulence of caregiving while staying true to your personal passions? Join us for a heartfelt episode featuring Debbie Weiss, a best-selling author, speaker, coach, and course creator, who shares her remarkable journey of caregiving that began when she was just 17. From becoming the primary caregiver for her father after he suffered a massive stroke to supporting her oldest son diagnosed with autism, and later, her husband through his battle with physical and mental illnesses and blood cancer, Debbie's story is one of resilience and unwavering love. We'll also hear from Traci, who shares her own experiences of caregiving for her father, giving us all a profound look into the dedication and strength required to advocate for loved ones.
What happens when mental health struggles intensify in the midst of terminal illness? Debbie opens up about how her husband's severe depression and anxiety escalated in his final years, and how she found solace through writing. Encouraged by her therapist, she nearly completed her first book draft before her husband's passing, using her creative passion as a means to cope with grief. This episode offers a candid reflection on the complexities of managing mental health issues within families, and the therapeutic power of creative outlets. Don’t miss this inspiring conversation that showcases the immense challenges and growth that come with caregiving, and the healing potential of following one’s passions amidst life's toughest trials.
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Hello and welcome to let's Talk Midlife Crisis with your hosts, ashley and Tracy. Pull up a chair for your seat at the table as we talk about and today we have a special guest with us, debbie Weiss. And Debbie is a best-selling author, speaker, coach and course creator with over 60 years of overcoming life's challenges. Welcome, debbie.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here. Oh, we're so happy to have you.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, tell us a little bit about yourself to have you.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, Tell us a little bit about yourself. Well, I have been a family caregiver since the age of 17 when my father who just turned 46, had a massive stroke and survived, and my parents soon divorced thereafter and my dad lived and was alive for 30 years.
Speaker 2:I'm happy to say, but for those 30 years I was his primary caregiver. He didn't live with me, but I was his person who helped with everything. I mean everything. And then, when my oldest son was born, he was diagnosed on the autism spectrum, which is a different type of caregiving.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And then my husband also had, later in his life, suffered from a lot of different physical and mental illnesses, culminating in a surprise blood cancer diagnosis, and so I was his caregiver through that, but specifically through the six months that he survived after the diagnosis and he passed away December 30th 2022.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, I can't believe it's almost two years.
Speaker 2:I just can't believe it.
Speaker 3:Oh my goodness, so sorry.
Speaker 1:So sorry.
Speaker 3:Wow. So you have literally been taking care of people since you were 17 years old.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I could barely take care of myself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, right, right, at that young age.
Speaker 2:Oh, my goodness.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:And I was the kind of young girl who had no self-confidence. I always struggled with my weight, so that was my identity. I wasn't good enough because I didn't have that body and so I didn't want to be seen. I was always trying to hide myself, and when my dad got sick and in my early 20s I really had to take over. I had to find my voice, because it was different, advocating or speaking up for him versus me right so in retrospect, you know it's, I think it's like every struggle that we all face in our lives.
Speaker 2:Fact, you know it's, I think it's like every struggle that we all face in our lives. It gave me a lot it taught me so much yeah and really helped me grow yeah as a person.
Speaker 1:I actually was a caregiver for my father as well, um, for probably about 20 years, um, he lived on his own and we were able to provide a full-time care towards the last five years or so when he needed it.
Speaker 1:But, but I was there for all of the decision making for the hospitals, for the rehabilitation, after you know, the hospital visit and speaking and coordinating and being his advocate. I was also his medical power of attorney, power of of attorney, all of that and all the way till the end when he passed, having to deal with all of that on my own as well. Luckily, his caregiver was amazing woman, paula, and she I couldn't have, you know, survived it without her. So I definitely have empathy for you. But it was much later in my life, my adult life. At that time I still had little children in the home, so that was an interesting dynamic, and he lived out of state for a while. I ended up bringing him here to Arizona where it was easier to care for him here. But being a caregiver for your entire life, that's so selfless and admirable, honestly.
Speaker 2:I don't know if it's. I mean, my feeling is who wouldn't do that for their loved?
Speaker 1:ones. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:It's not like I chose to do it but I I feel that most of us would step up right you know, yeah, we love someone. We're going to be there for them.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean, you would love to think that, but they're. Sadly, there are people who choose not to right you know, so you're right.
Speaker 1:You're right about that yeah, because it isn't easy. It's not an easy um, it's not easy at all there's nothing easy about it, so so how do you so?
Speaker 3:you mentioned you recently lost your husband. I'm so sorry to hear that. Yes, um and your, is your son still at home? How old is your son?
Speaker 2:yeah, so I have two sons okay I have um a 23 year old. That's my oldest and, yes, he is at home. And then I have a 21-year-old son who's a senior in college, so he's away at college, wow yeah. So, it's just the three of us and my 23-year-old. You know he's got his struggles and it has been boy. You know his life is really been something in the 23 years.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I've learned an awful lot there as well Like that is completely different type of caregiving, and especially when he was young. You know, when you're a mama bear, like that's enough. You are not stopping, right Right Things I did and said I never would have done.
Speaker 2:Right If it was to take care of my son or make sure he got the services that he needed, like nobody was. Nobody was holding me back, right, and again, you know it. Just it made me who I am today. Wow, you know my mother and my brother because my dad did pass away 11 years ago. But my mother and my brother say if these people who you're on podcasts, you're doing all these things If I tell you, nobody would have believed it if you knew me as a child and a young adult.
Speaker 3:Wow.
Speaker 2:You just wouldn't have believed it. I was just not that person. But it just shows how you know, I don't know our circumstances like I said before, they could be challenging but it's if you allow it and you learn something from it, it really can change your life.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Well.
Speaker 3:I have to say I mean being what you've, you know, gone through, being who you are after what you've gone through. I think is also. It's been a choice Because you could still just kind of live in your little you know hole and not put yourself out there. But thank God for people like you that are sharing their voice and their experience and taking something positive from it and making yourself a better person.
Speaker 3:You just exert positivity and great energy and, yeah, I applaud you for that. But no, I'm grateful for people like you that come out and share their experiences, because there's probably a lot more people out there than we realize that are going through challenges like similar to what you've gone through, and they aren't aware of other people that have gone through it. They don't have anyone to relate to or, you know, share those experiences with.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I agree, and you know what I'm sounding so positive and all of these things. But if we rewind the tape and you looked at me, you know 10, 12 years ago, I really did spend the majority of my life being angry and resentful of my circumstances. You know, my friends and family would even say like every second, something's happening to you. What do you?
Speaker 3:have.
Speaker 2:Like this black cloud over your head and I was almost like an upbeat and positive person, but after a while it was like one thing after another. I had a really long infertility struggle. I like it was just, oh my goodness, could I just catch a break? And I did have that, and I didn't realize it had a name and I didn't realize. I didn't realize what I was telling myself, but I did. I felt sorry for myself and I felt like a victim of my circumstances.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And it wasn't until actually, I kind of had like an epiphany or an aha moment right around the age of 50 where I realized, yeah, all these things have happened in my life, but everyone has things that have happened in their lives. Look, everyone obviously looks different. We have similarities, but everyone has a unique story, looks different. We have similarities, but everyone has a unique story.
Speaker 2:And just like you said how have I been choosing to show up? Yeah, and when I realized that I was letting the circumstances of my life kind of just rule my life, I didn't have any power or any control over how my life was headed. I just thought it is what it is. These are the things that happened to me. I have no choice. It sucks, oh well right, wow.
Speaker 1:now, through these experiences, is that what um brought you to writing your book On second thought, maybe I can, and it's a bestseller.
Speaker 2:Well. So no, it took me so long to get there. So this is, this is just actually. This is something that one of the messages that I really want to get across is that you just never know. Okay, I, I didn't like writing. I am a CPA. I graduated with an accounting degree. I've been an insurance agent now for 30 years. Nothing to do with words or writing communications, not nothing. And it was really just kind of following the whispers that happened in my life over the last four years, in my life over the last four years. Wow, that made me realize that, if I did want to share my story in order to hopefully inspire other people, let them know they're not alone.
Speaker 2:How am I going to do it Right? How's the best way? And it kept leading to this idea of a book and I was like well, I'm going to write a book, I don't know how to write, so I guess I'm going to have to hire a ghostwriter, which I didn't even know how to do that or how to find someone.
Speaker 2:And then one day I was listening to a podcast a person that I don't usually listen to all the time and she had a guest on and it was a woman who helped first time writers get their stories out there. Oh, my goodness, and I was like OK, and I liked her listening to her.
Speaker 3:And.
Speaker 2:I thought if this is not a sign that.
Speaker 2:I'm being screamed at right, you better do this. So I contacted her and she was just about to launch a 12 week group course and then my husband got diagnosed with the blood cancer and I thought, well, obviously, obviously I can't do this now. And I said something to my therapist and I said I'm even embarrassed to bring this up that like it's kind of still in my mind. You know, under the circumstances I feel like it's so selfish. And she said well, I completely disagree. She said I think that this is exactly what you need in this time is something else to focus on, mm-hmm, and you know, being a little a student, I was like well, what if I miss it? What if I miss a group? What?
Speaker 2:if there's homework and I can't show up at the homework. And she said who cares?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And I thought oh, I guess, so who cares?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And so I joined the course and I honestly did not think that I was going to be one of the people who wound up with a you know first draft at the end. And it was I really. Once I kind of embraced the whole thing. I had to make sure that I found time to write every day, so I had to be very intentional with everything that was going on.
Speaker 2:So whether I would wake up and write at six o'clock in the morning before my husband woke up, if he were in the hospital, I would like you know, pack up all my stuff and look like I'm moving into the hospital and when he was sleeping I would write there, and when he passed away I was three chapters shy of finishing, wow. And after you know, I was supposed to actually have it to the editor January 14th, so two weeks later, and of course they were going to change the deadline and I realized at that point that writing while this was happening happening was and had been actually therapeutic for me and did give me something else to concentrate on. So, after you know, everybody went home after the funeral and everything. It's a very hard time, uh.
Speaker 2:For anyone who's lost, anyone knows, that's almost the hardest time it is, because then it's just quiet yeah and everybody else goes back to their regular life like nothing happened right, yeah and your world is shattered yes and so I used that time to focus on finishing, and I did wow, that's amazing.
Speaker 3:I'm so glad that you had that therapy going through that because you know that's. I mean, you've been through a lot, but I can only imagine caring for your partner, watching, knowing inevitably what's happening, and having to live with that. You had a good distraction, which was also you getting to kind of vent, I guess what. Everything you'd been through and we're going through on paper.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, um for sure, not some of the things I didn't after. After it was over three months later, I wrote an epilogue about the day that um, well, it was really the day before he died, but I wrote about that. You know which was hard.
Speaker 2:It was obviously difficult, even though and it was unexpected, so it wasn't like he was in hospice and anything- it was unexpected at the moment so it was a bit of a shock but honestly, um, he had severe depression and anxiety and the mental illness was really harder for me than the physical illness.
Speaker 1:Oh, I'm sure how long had he been suffering from the mental illness prior to his cancer blood cancer diagnosis.
Speaker 2:You know what diagnosis, you know what I looking back now, you know, things weren't diagnosed like they are now. Uh, I think, oh, for a lifetime he had social anxiety which kind of never added up, because he was the most social person and everybody loved him um.
Speaker 2:So he didn't really like to socialize, but things kind of like his anxiety and some OCD stuff, I'd say, over the last the four years leading up to his death really started to intensify. He, he and I actually worked together for over 20 years, which was interesting Right to work with your spouse, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So, and one day he just walked out of our office and said I can never come back. And he left piles, big stacks of papers all over the place. And I said well, gary, you, just you have to at least tell me like, did you talk to these people? What do I need to do? And he couldn't even do that. I'll bring the papers home. You don't have to come physically to the office.
Speaker 1:He could not do it, oh wow.
Speaker 2:Wow, yeah, and that was probably probably about two years before he died.
Speaker 1:Oh, my Wow.
Speaker 2:So it was intensifying. Wow, my wow, yeah, so it was intensifying. And then our, you know our eldest son also suffers from similar things so not easy.
Speaker 3:Yeah, gosh now. No, yeah, I mean I've. I have a lot of mental health issues in my family. Um, that goes back generations. Um, I have a son who had who's bipolar? Um, he's 20, 28 years old now. He's managing it very well. It took a long time to get here but but he's doing very well. Um, and I, my father, was very ill. Um, he died by his own hand. I, my father, was very ill. He died by his own hand and I have a brother that did as well. So I feel you, I feel you it's. That is a very, very difficult and I think for you you had both the mental and physical illnesses. I think just dealing with the mental illness in itself is so hard. It is really really hard to grow up in that or to live with it, or, you know, and even, especially with a child, to know, even after the experiences that I've been through, how to handle, how to help them handle this. You know it's a scary thing.
Speaker 2:It is so scary. And nobody else out of all of the struggles that I've had in my life, by far it's the hardest. Yeah, and um, my son also was, uh, diagnosed with bipolar two disorder. Um, you know, it doesn't end involuntarily hospitalized. My husband was involuntarily hospitalized.
Speaker 1:And um.
Speaker 2:And yeah, I don't think for me that there's been anything harder than watching that, learning about it, you know, trying to understand it Because you know, and being around friends and family who just tell you well, just tell them this, yeah, okay, they don't get it they don't get it, they don't get it.
Speaker 1:I do feel, though, through time. I know, when I was young um, I'm in my late 50s, but when I was young you didn't hear mental health wasn't a household word. People didn't talk about it. So it so I am glad to hear that it is talked about nowadays. I would love to be able to see more advancement with the technology that we have now and perhaps the awareness that's being put out there now. I would really love to think that, for you know, my children, who are now young adults, but also my grandchildren that by the time they grow up, that maybe there'll be more. You know, I want to say cures, but other, you know ways for them to manage. You know ways for them to manage.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think a lot of it too, though, and you probably have found this Debbie regardless of the resources that are available and the medications and all of that, they have to want it Like we can tell them all we want.
Speaker 3:This is what you need to do. I'm trying to help you. I'm not telling you anything that I think would hurt you or make it worse. This is what needs to be done and they have to be ready. They have to be ready and they have to want it and they have to be persistent with it, because it is something that they will deal with every day of their life and they have to know that and accept it and be persistent in taking care of themselves.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I couldn't agree more. You know, right before my husband got that, literally six weeks before he got the diagnosis, he was hospitalized for a week for the depression.
Speaker 2:And he came out like he never believed in therapy. You know he didn't need it. He was that kind of person. And he came out of the hospitalization and went to his IOP. You know his group sessions after hospitalization and he was like the star. He was helping everyone. He was so happy. We were like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that I didn't get him to do this earlier, because it gave us so much hope right and then, literally less than six weeks later, out of the blue, he gets this diagnosis oh my gosh it was like the cruelest thing that I could think of you know it was like he, it just we all, like you know, the cloud lifted up, you know.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And then wham.
Speaker 1:Oh gosh.
Speaker 3:Oh, my goodness yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3:Well, you truly are a survivor yourself.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I kind of feel like what choice do we have? I kind of feel like what choice do we have? You know, I think I read something through the last 10 years of trying to evolve and improve myself and and understand, um, you know, understand myself, understand that I'm in charge of the rest of my life, and I think that that's what's stuck with me. You know, this is my one and only life.
Speaker 1:Right, right.
Speaker 2:And it's up to me what I do with it, regardless of all the things that we've talked about that have happened. Right that makes no difference.
Speaker 3:Well, and I've always been a bit a big advocate of you know, these are things that happen to you. They don't define you. That's not who you are. There are things that happen to you and you might be the way you are because of those things, but you get to decide the way you are. Are you the victim or are you a survivor Right? And I think you truly are the definition of a survivor Absolutely Well, thank you.
Speaker 2:Yes, but you know what? It just it seems sound so simple when I say this, but you know, it's just that switch in your mind right. Like boom once you flip the switch and you really flip the switch, you know what I mean Like you have to really be at the point where you're ready.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:Then everything changes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, it does Now, debbie, where can our listeners find your book?
Speaker 2:So on Amazon.
Speaker 1:Amazon.
Speaker 2:Barnes and Noble and all those places.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:But you can always come to my website, which is debbirweisscom. You have to put in the R, otherwise you get a realtor in California, and so you know. All the information is there too, so that might be the easiest place. Okay, great.
Speaker 1:And we'll also put links in the description of our podcast and on our website as well so they can find you, and we would love to have you back, because we know that you are ready to release a second book coming out, I believe, in November, so we would love to have you back on our show again, perhaps next month, october, before the book, a new book launches, to hear more about that. Well, thank you, I would, absolutely about that.
Speaker 2:Well, thank you, I would absolutely love that. That would be terrific Perfect.
Speaker 3:Thank you so much, debbie, thanks for being on the show. Thank you, it's great to have you.
Speaker 1:And that just about wraps it up for today. Thank you for joining us on let's Talk. Midlife Crisis Embrace the change.
Speaker 3:Join the conversation on our website at letstalkmidlifecrisiscom, or our facebook or instagram and youtube channels. We'd love to hear from you guys.
