110. The Luck You Make 🍀: How Secure Women Create Their Own Momentum

What if the “luck” you see in other people’s lives isn’t luck at all?
 In this episode of Speak Honest, I’m unpacking the belief that some people are just luckier than others. Whether it’s relationships, opportunities, or the way things seem to fall into place, it can be easy to feel like life keeps working for everyone else but you. But what if the real difference isn’t luck, it’s momentum? In this conversation, I’m walking you through the psychology behind locus of control, the powerful distinction between outcomes and inputs, and how secure women create movement in their lives by focusing on the choices they can repeat. If you’ve ever felt stuck, discouraged, or like life just keeps happening to you, this episode will help you start seeing where your real influence lives.

You might want to listen if:

• You feel like life keeps working out for other people but not for you.
• You find yourself waiting for the right timing, opportunity, or relationship to finally change things.
• You spend a lot of emotional energy analyzing situations you can’t actually control.
• You know your attachment patterns but still struggle to respond the way you want to in the moment.
• You’re ready to stop waiting for luck and start creating real momentum in your life.

FIND OUT MORE!

• Join the Speak Honest Academy 
• Grab Your Copy of my #1 Best Selling Book --> Dance of Attachment
• Apply for FREE Podcast Coaching with Jenn 
• Join our FREE Community!  Speak Honest Facebook Group 🧡
• Schedule your Free 30 min Attachment Assessment with Jenn Today! 
• Watch Jenn on the 🔴 TEDx Stage! 
• Visit www.speak-honest.com to learn more
• Follow Jenn on Instagram: @speak_honest
• Like the episode? Please write a review, your words help others find us!

DISCLAIMER:  Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from this information. 

Transcript

The “Unlucky In Love” Belief

Introducing The Luck You Make

Invite To Speak Honest Academy

Rethinking Luck And Timing

Locus Of Control Explained

External Orientation And Waiting

Internal Luck And Influence

Outcomes Versus Inputs

Momentum Looks Like Luck

Secure Inputs In Practice

Shifting Questions To Influence

Three Core Takeaways Recapped

Turning Insight Into Regulation

Academy Free Trial And Resources

Follow, Review, Share

Closing Reflections And CTA

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal. What's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve? Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now let's dive in. Hello, ladies, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I'm Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach and author of Dance of Attachment. And today we're talking about something that a lot of women quietly believe about their love life. And that believe is that they are just unlucky in love. I thought this was a perfect topic to bring up just before St. Patrick's Day, and I hear this all the time. Women will say things like, Jen, I keep attracting the wrong men, or the timing just always seems to be off, or other women seem to meet great partners, and it just never happens for me. And after enough disappointing experiences, it's really easy to start believing that some women are just lucky and some women just aren't. But today I want to challenge that idea because what looks like luck from the outside is often something very different happening on the inside. Today we're going to talk about something I call the luck you make. And specifically, we're going to look at three things what internal luck actually means, what's in your control and what isn't, and how secure women build momentum in their relationships and in their lives. Because once you understand these three things, something really important shifts. You stop waiting for luck and you start creating movement. Now, before we go any further, I want to quickly mention something. If you've been listening to this podcast and you're realizing that attachment patterns might be part of what's happening in your relationships, then I want you to know you don't have to figure that out alone. Inside of the Speak Honest Academy, that is exactly the work we do. We look at anxious attachment, regulation, communication, and the patterns that keep showing up in relationships. And we work through them together in real time. So if you're ready to stop repeating the same dynamics and start building something healthier, if you are ready to start making your own luck, then I want to invite you to come and join us inside of the Speak Honest Academy. You can go to speakonestacademy.com or you can scroll down to the show notes and click on the link there. Now let's get on with today's episode. When most people hear the word luck, they think about something outside of themselves. They think about timing or fate, being in the right place at the right time. We imagine luck like something random that happens to certain people and not to others. And if we're honest, a lot of women feel like luck is something that happens to someone else. You see someone meet a great guy and you think, wow, she got lucky. Someone lands a great opportunity and you think, wow, the timing really worked out for her. But psychologists who study resilience and well-being have actually looked at this idea of luck, and what they found is really interesting. They didn't find that some people were magically luckier than others. What they found instead is that people differ in how they interpret what happens in their lives, and that difference has a name in psychology. It's called the locus of control. Now, I know that sounds like a very academic phrase, but the idea is actually pretty simple. Locus of control asks one question. When something happens in your life, where do you believe the cause lives? Do you believe the cause mostly lives outside of you? Or do you believe some part of the cause lives within your influence? Psychologists describe these orientations as external locus of control and internal locus of control. When someone has a more external orientation, they tend to believe outcomes are mostly determined by outside forces, luck, timing, other people's choices and circumstances. The thoughts sound like this: dating is impossible these days. I just have bad luck in relationships. Nothing ever works out for me, and I always attract the wrong guy. And here's the important part. These beliefs usually don't come out of nowhere. They often come from real experiences. So if you've had multiple relationships that haven't worked out, it's natural that your brain is going to try to make sense of that pattern. But when someone lives primarily from an external orientation, something subtle starts to happen. Life begins to feel like something that is happening to them rather than something they are participating in. And when life feels like it's happening to you, it's very easy to slip into waiting. Waiting for the right person, waiting for the timing to work out, waiting for circumstances to change. That waiting can create a sense of powerlessness because the thing you're waiting for lives outside of your control. This is where the idea of internal luck comes in. Internal luck doesn't mean controlling everything, and it does not mean blaming yourself for every outcome in your life. Internal luck simply means recognizing where your influence actually lives and choosing to focus your energy there. This is where we have to make an important distinction between outcomes and inputs. See, outcomes are things we care deeply about, but that we ultimately cannot control. Whether someone chooses you, whether a relationship works out, whether someone texts back, whether you get that job or not, whether someone is emotionally available or ready for a relationship, those things matter, but they don't live within your direct influence. Inputs, on the other hand, are the choices and behaviors that you can repeat. Inputs include things like how you communicate, the standards you hold for how you want to be treated in your relationship, also the boundaries you set when something doesn't feel right, and the way you regulate your emotions when you feel triggered or uncertain. Secure women understand this distinction. They stop trying to control outcomes and instead focus on the inputs they can repeat. And here's why that matters. When our attention stays fixed on outcomes, we often spend a huge amount of emotional energy analyzing things we cannot actually change. We analyze someone's behavior. We try to figure out why they're pulling away, we replay the conversation in our head and we try to predict whether something will work out. But listen, none of that actually changes the outcome. What changes the direction of our lives are the inputs we practice consistently. Inputs are where momentum begins. And momentum is something that often looks like luck from the outside. So now this brings us to the third piece of this conversation, which is how secure women build momentum. See, a lot of people think momentum comes from one big decision or having one big breakthrough. They imagine that there will be a moment where everything suddenly changes. But in reality, momentum usually builds through very small actions that are repeated again and again and again and again and again. Think about anything in life that improves with practice. Confidence, maybe communication, emotional regulation, physical strength even. Think about going to the gym and lifting those weights. None of those develop from doing something perfectly one time. They develop from doing them how consistently over and over and over again. In relationships, those repeatable behaviors are what I like to call secure inputs. A secure input is simply a choice that aligns with your values and your self-respect. It might look like communicating clearly instead of hinting at what you want and hoping that he figures out what you need. Or maybe it looks like paying attention to someone's consistency instead of getting swept up in chemistry or potential. Something else it might look like is noticing when something doesn't feel right and choosing to slow down instead of pushing forward because you're afraid to lose the connection. Secure inputs are often small in the moment, but they change patterns over time. From the outside, when someone consistently practices secure inputs, their life can start to look lucky. They seem to meet better partners, their relationships start to feel more stable, their opportunities appear to line up more often than not. And what you're actually seeing is the compound effect of small choices repeated over time. Those choices create movement, and that movement creates momentum. See, the key insight here is that momentum is built through repeated controlled inputs. You may not control the outcome of every situation in your life, but you always have the influence over the inputs you practice. So when we talk about the luck you make, what we're really talking about is this shift in focus. Instead of asking, why does this keep happening to me? We begin asking, where does my influence live in this situation? Even if it's small, even if it's only 5%. Sometimes that influence lives in the standards you hold. Sometimes it lives in the boundaries you set. It lives in the choices you make about where you continue investing your time and energy. And when you start focusing on those inputs, something powerful happens. Girl, you stop waiting for luck to show up. You start creating movement through the choices you repeat, and over time, that movement is what people often call luck. Alright, ladies, I hope you can see now that luck isn't something that we sit around wishing for and it's not something reserved for other ladies. It's not something the universe randomly hands out. Luck in many ways is something we can actually create. Not by controlling every outcome and not by forcing life to unfold exactly how we want it, but by focusing on the inputs we repeat over time. Because that's where our real influence lives. So think back to the three things we talked about today. First, we talked about what internal luck actually means. When life feels like it's controlled entirely by timing or fate or other people's choices, it's so easy to start believing that everything important happens outside of us. That love shows up if you're lucky, that the right relationship appears, if the timing works out. But when you start shifting towards an internal sense of influence, even just a little bit, something changes. You stop waiting for life to happen and you start participating in the direction it's moving. Second, we talked about the difference between outcomes and inputs. Outcomes are the things we care deeply about but cannot control. Whether someone chooses you, whether a relationship works out, whether or not you get that job. And these things matter, but they're not where our power lives. Inputs are where our influence actually exists. Inputs are things like how we communicate, the standards we hold, the boundaries we set, the choices we make. And when you start focusing on those inputs instead of trying to control the outcome, you begin to create movement. And then lastly, we talked about how secure women build momentum. Momentum rarely comes from one big breakthrough moment. It's built through small choices, repeated consistently over time. Communicating clearly instead of hinting is one way you can try this. You can also try paying attention to how someone is showing up in your life. Maybe try regulating your emotions instead of reacting from fear or urgency. These choices, they might seem small in the moment, but over time they start to shift your entire pattern. From the outside, it can look like things suddenly start working out for you, but on the inside, what you're actually seeing is momentum. And this is exactly the kind of work we do inside of the Speak Honest Academy. Because understanding attachment patterns intellectually is one thing. And a lot of women already know what their attachment style is. They know the pattern in their head, but when they actually are in the moment with someone they care about, their emotions they get big. Their nervous system activates and suddenly it's near to impossible to respond the way that they had intended. Inside the academy, we slow this process down. This is where we work with anxious attachment without shame, where we practice regulation, communication, and build the kind of self-trust that allows you to show up differently in relationship. It allows you to make the luck that you deserve. Now, if you want to learn more about what we do inside of the Academy, you can head over to speakonestacademy.com or you can click on the link in the show notes. And I do want to offer you a very special gift right now for anyone that just wants to try out the Academy. I'm offering a free trial right now. You can use the code SECURESTART to try us out just to see if it's something that you want to try. You can come jump into one of our twice-weekly group coachings, or you can check out the Dance of Attachment course to see if it's right for you. And if this episode resonated for you, I'd love for you to do three quick things. Follow the podcast so you don't miss future episodes. Leave a review if you've been enjoying the show because it helps more women find these conversations. And share this episode with a friend who's been up at 2 a.m. Googling relationship advice because chances are she needs to hear this too. So remember, luck isn't something we wait around hoping for. It's something we begin creating through the choices we repeat. Because in the end, luck favors the prepared. All right, ladies, I'll speak with you all next week. Take care. As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. And it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there. And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.