111. What the Hell Is Attachment Theory? Sneak Peek from Dance of Attachment

What the hell is attachment theory anyway… and why does it explain so much about the way we love?

In this special episode of Speak Honest, I’m giving you a sneak peek inside my bestselling book Dance of Attachment. Because I’m heading into the studio to record the audiobook, I wanted to share a piece of the book with you and walk you through the foundation of attachment theory. We explore how the emotional blueprint you developed in childhood can shape the way you connect in adult relationships, and why patterns like chasing, overthinking, or pulling away often make perfect sense once you understand your nervous system.

You might want to listen if:

• You keep ending up in confusing relationship dynamics and can’t figure out why
• You feel anxious or overthink everything when someone pulls away
• You’ve heard of attachment styles but don’t fully understand what they mean
• You want to understand the patterns behind your relationships
• You’re ready to start learning a new way of showing up in love

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• Join the Speak Honest Academy 
• Grab Your Copy of my #1 Best Selling Book --> Dance of Attachment
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• Schedule your Free 30 min Attachment Assessment with Jenn Today! 
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DISCLAIMER:  Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from this information. 

Transcript

Audiobook Update And Book Overview

Breakup Spiral And The Attachment Wake-Up

Attachment Theory And The Four Stances

Where To Get The Book

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal. What's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve? Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now let's dive in. Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I am Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach and author of Dance of Attachment. And today I'm going to share something really special with all of you. So this weekend I am actually going into the studio to record the audiobook for Dance of Attachment: Why Smart Women Do Dumb Shit in Relationships and How to Break the Pattern. And because I am in the headspace of reading my book right now, I thought it would be really fun to read a little sneak peek of my best-selling book, Dance of Attachment, to all of you. So for today's episode, you are just going to get a little bit of chapter one. And I hope you enjoy all of this. And for those of you that are following along, you can grab my book, Dance of Attachment, on Amazon. You can also go to danceofattachment.com to grab it there. It is a fantastic book. It takes you through the four attachment stances, right? So we have anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure. But then it also walks you through my five-step method in healing your attachment style. So that method is the dance method. D A N C E. Discover, alleviate, nurture, communicate, and embody. And that's the way that I work with the women inside of the Speak Honest Academy to work through all of the attachment wounds, all of the attachment patterns that they have in order to get to the other side with an earned secure attachment. So if that sounds like something that interests you, then I highly recommend checking out my book, Dance of Attachment. You also get a free workbook when you grab the book.com/slash workbook. But I really hope for today's episode you enjoy this little sneak peek. Part one. Learn your choreography. Great dancers are not great because of their technique. They are great because of their passion. Martha Graham. Introduction. I didn't just get dumped. I got emotionally ejected from my entire sense of reality while blackout high on a Tuesday, eating a melted chocolate bar and chasing it with a warm white claw like it was communion. People say 2020 was hard and sad for everyone. And I get it. But girl, I wasn't just sad. I was sad sad. Capital S, ugly crying, snot bubble, full-blown identity crisis while doom scrolling YouTube and desperately searching how to get him back like love was a lost airpod. I wasn't okay. And I didn't even have the language for why. Everyone else was baking sourdough and reorganizing their closets, and I was sitting in my own stanky funk, asking the universe if I was just fundamentally unlovable. And then, somewhere between YouTube tarot readings and a playlist called Songs to Cry in the Shower to, I stumbled across a video on attachment styles. And suddenly, it all made sense. The chasing, the panicking, the why do I feel crazy energy that hit every single time he pulled away. The way I shape-shifted into the cool girl just to hold on to someone who never actually saw me. The way I confused intensity with intimacy. The way I begged to be chosen without ever asking if I even wanted him. Here's the thing. Every one of those choices looked desperate from the outside. But inside they made perfect sense. My body thought closeness was survival. My brain thought that being chosen meant I was safe. So of course I chased, clung, bargained, twisted myself into knots. I wasn't broken. I was doing what I had been trained to do. This is what it means to have an attachment wound. Your nervous system goes into overdrive to keep love close, even if it cost you your dignity, your peace, and your sense of self. Like the time I baked my ex a homemade cake for his birthday less than a month after he dumped me, I told myself it was kind and mature and proof that I was the cool ex. But really, I thought a fun fetty cake would somehow erase the breakup and win him back. That is anxious attachment at its finest. Confusing overgiving with love, and hoping that being selfless enough would make me feel worthy enough. It was never just about him, though. It was about every version of me that was still aching to feel like I was enough. That's when it clicked. I wasn't broken. I was caught in a dance I had been taught but never agreed to. And this book? This book right here? It's not just about relationships. It's about that dance. The one your nervous system choreographed without asking you first. The one that kept you small, anxious, avoidant, confused, overgiving, under receiving, and so fucking tired. Yes, I'll share a few studies here and there, especially the ones that made me stop and go, wait, this is me. But don't worry, this isn't some dry psychology textbook. I'm explaining everything through dance metaphors. Like the smooth waltz, the salsa of uncertainty, the solo tango, and the pendulum swing dance. Because love is not a diagnosis, it is a rhythm. And if you've been stepping on toes or getting yours stomped on, I got you. We are going to unpack all of it. The kind of love you learned, the beliefs you picked up about who you had to be in order to be chosen, and more importantly, how to rewrite that story into something honest, healthy, and finally yours. This is the book I needed that night in bed. This is the map I didn't have when I thought the only way to be loved was to earn it. And now I'm handing it to you. Let's figure out your dance. Let's change the song. Let's find your rhythm because, babes, you were never the problem. You were just dancing to someone else's beat. So let's take a deep breath. Wipe the mascara off your cheeks, kick off the shoes that were never made for you in the first place, and when you're ready, I'll be right here. Hand outstretched, smirk on my face, heart wide open. We'll take it slow at first. I'll lead you to just breathe. This time, you don't have to twist yourself into knots to be held. This time, the dance isn't yours to learn alone. This time, you get to move like you were always meant to. So what do you say? Will you take my hand and dance with me? Before we dance, before we dive into the salsa of uncertainty, the solo tango, the pendulum swing dance, or the smooth waltz, let's pause for a second and ask, what the hell is attachment theory anyway? At its core, attachment theory is the science of how we connect. It explains the emotional blueprint you developed in childhood and how it dictates your love, safety, and relationships. British psychologist John Bowby was one of the first to explore this. He believed that humans are biologically wired to seek connection with a caregiver because connection equals survival. When that connection is consistent and safe, the child learns that people can be trusted and that love is reliable. Bowlby's colleague, psychologist Mary Ainsworth, built on this theory and ran an experiment called the Strange Situation in the 1970s. She watched how babies reacted when their caregiver left the room and then came back. From this, she identified three distinct patterns. First, secure. The baby is upset when mom leaves, but is easily soothed when she returns. Second, anxious or ambivalent. This is where the baby clings and cries, but can't calm down even when mom comes back. Third, avoidant. This is where the baby doesn't seem bothered when mom leaves and avoids her when she returns. So those are the OG categories we now refer to as attachment styles. But here's where it gets more interesting and more accurate. In the late 1980s, researchers Mary Main and Judith Solomon were reviewing recordings from the strange situation experiment when they noticed something didn't quite fit. Some babies would approach their caregiver and then freeze. Others would reach out and then suddenly pull away. Their behavior was disorganized, contradictory, and clearly rooted in fear. So they introduced a fourth pattern. Drum roll, please. Disorganized attachment. This one is often linked to trauma, neglect, or caregivers who were frightening or unpredictable. And that's why it's so damn confusing in adult relationships. It's a push-pull dance of I want closeness. Ooh no, I don't. This is scary. Now go away. But wait, why did you go away? I really wanted that closeness. Come back. Ooh no, don't come back. Gross. Why did you come back, you weirdo? Yeah, it's a lot. But that, my friend, is disorganized attachment in a nutshell. In this book, we are going to look at all four patterns, but not just as styles. Remember, we're calling them adapted attachment stances because these aren't fixed labels or personality types. They're protective postures that your nervous system learned to survive love that didn't always feel safe. This language honors the work of Mary Maine, who described these patterns as stances, and Dr. Dan Siegel, who refers to them as adaptations. Their research laid the foundation for everything we're about to learn. I'm just here to break it down in a way that feels human, hopeful, and let's be honest, way more fun to read. And just to be clear, these are not personality types. We aren't trying to decode your sun sign with a wing of Myers Briggs, though, if you're wondering, yes, I am a Gemini 4 wing 3 and an INFP, obviously. These are adaptive coping strategies that your nervous system developed to survive the emotional climate of your early years. And thanks to modern neuroscience, we now know that your brain isn't stuck in these old patterns forever. Through intentional healing, consistency, and self-compassion, your brain can literally rewire itself. Which is pretty fucking cool if you ask me. So if your relationships keep falling apart, if you're the one always overthinking, if you feel like love equals anxiety or walking on eggshells, you are not a lost cause. You're just dancing the steps taught to you. And now you can learn new ones. Girl, you have been stuck doing the macarena when all you wanted to do was the cha-cha slide. So let's teach you the cha-cha slide because it is so much nicer than those weird hand movements. And also be honest, did you just start doing the macarena in your head? They are weird, right? All right, ladies, I hope you enjoyed this little sneak peek of the first part of Dance of Attachment. I am so excited to get this full audiobook out and ready to go. As soon as I know more about when it will be up on Audible, I will sure to let all of you know. Until then, if you do want to grab a copy of my best-selling book, Dance of Attachment, I highly recommend you can just search Dance of Attachment, Jen Noble, on Amazon.com, or you can go to danceofattachment.com. And on that link, you're going to see all the different places that you can purchase it on Amazon as well as Barnes and Noble. And then you can also find all the links for all the extra goodies that you get along with the book. All right, everyone, that is it for this week. I will speak with you all next time. Take care. As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. And it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we cover today, be sure to head over to our show notes, where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there. And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.