119. You Can See Your Pattern Coming... So Why Can't You Stop It? | Coaching Call with Cordelia (Part 6)

What if you could see your pattern coming from a mile away... and still couldn't stop it?

In this episode of the Speak Honest Podcast, Jenn Noble wraps up the sixth and final recorded session with Cordelia, and it is one of the most powerful conversations in the series. Cordelia shows up on a hard week, feeling frustrated and heavy, and instead of skipping past it, Jenn takes her straight into the body. What unfolds is a deep somatic check-in where Cordelia's familiar "rock" in her chest does something it has never done before... it moves. From there, Jenn walks Cordelia through the science of neuroplasticity, somatic affirmations, and what it actually looks like to start rewiring the beliefs that have been running the show for decades. This episode is raw, real, and full of the kind of honest coaching that reminds you that healing is not about having a breakthrough every single week. Sometimes it is about showing up on a blah Tuesday and doing the work anyway.

You might want to listen if:

• You know exactly what triggers you in relationships but freeze or react anyway and cannot figure out why
• You have tried therapy, journaling, and self help books and still feel stuck in the same emotional patterns
• You feel emotions physically, like tightness in your chest, nausea, or a knot in your stomach, and do not know what to do with them
• You want to understand how somatic work and nervous system regulation can create real change in your relationships
• You are ready to stop managing your triggers and actually start rewiring them at the root

FIND OUT MORE!

• Join the Speak Honest Academy 
• Ask your Coach a question >> ASK HERE
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DISCLAIMER:  Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable f...

Transcript

Welcome And Session Six Setup

SPEAKER_01 0:05

Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal. What's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve? Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now, let's dive in. Hello, ladies, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I'm Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach and author of the best-selling book Dance of Attachment. And today you are going to hear the sixth and final session with Cordelia. And if you've been following along on this journey with us, first of all, thank you. Because watching someone do this work in real time, session after session, is something just really special. And Cordelia has shown up every single time. She came in today feeling what she called blah-ish. And yet she still showed up. That's what six sessions of real work looks like. Now, Cordelia and I will continue working together outside of the podcast, but this is the last session that you'll hear here. And I just want to say watching her grow through these six sessions has been genuinely just such an honor and it's so beautiful. And she came in today feeling heavy. It was a weird week and some family frustration was bubbling up. But instead of bypassing any of it, she went straight into the body because that's what this session is really about. We do deep, somatic check-ins. And if you've been listening to the previous episodes with Cordelia, you know her rock, right? That gray, jagged, heavy rock that lives in her chest when things are hard. Well, it showed up again today because that's how this works. And this time it moved. For the first time ever, it actually moved. And what that told us was so much more than we expected. The core insight in this episode is one that I want you to sit with. You can know your pattern, you can see it coming from a mile away, and your body will still react before your brain catches up. Cordelia, she knows this. She's been tracking it across six sessions and a year inside of the Speak Honest Academy. And today we get to the place where we start doing something about it, not just observing it, but actually rewiring it. So if you're someone who has that awareness, you know what triggers you, you know where it comes from, and you can even explain it to someone else. But in the moment, like when your sister sends that text or someone's inauthenticity sets you off, you still feel that punch in the gut and you don't know what to do with it. Well, this episode is going to land for you. And if you want this kind of ongoing support, live coaching, real-time help with regulation, a community of women who are doing this exact work alongside you, then that is what we do inside of the Speak Honest Academy. And you can find all of the information over at speakhonestacademy.com or by scrolling down to the show notes and clicking on the link down there. But as you're listening today, I want you to notice what comes up in your own body. When Cordelia describes that rock in her chest or that punch in the gut from the inside out, do you feel anything? What does it show up for you? Where does it show up for you? Just notice. That's where we start. Now let's dive in.

Cordelia Arrives Feeling Blah

SPEAKER_01 3:55

Hello, Cordelia. Hi, sweetheart. All right, how are you doing today? I am I'm a mix.

SPEAKER_00 4:03

Yeah. Tell me more. Yeah. So it's like. I don't know if the word makes sense, but I'm just gonna throw it out there like I try to do sometimes. It's neutral. Like I'm not bad, but I'm not great. I'm just kind of blah-ish. The weather is super gloomy. And although the sun wants to peak out, I'm not sure it will. Because it's getting late in the day and it's been wet, which is it's fine. We need that every once in a while, but um, it's been a weird week, been processing a lot of things. Uh and you can never anticipate these things happening, right? So, like you might say, okay, I want to talk about this, but then you don't realize the impact it has on you afterwards. Yeah, yeah. Good point. It starts as a, I just want to pick your brain, and then it's like, oh wow, I did not see that going in that direction.

SPEAKER_01 5:06

It's sometimes the act of just starting to tell the story creates the thing you're looking for, right? Like, because yeah, we can go wherever you want to go in these sessions. Like we can have an end goal of being like, oh, you want to get a job, and we can kind of try to figure this out, and you know, we can work through journal prompts and all this stuff. But if through the process of just talking, other big things come up, then great, right? Because that's anything to do with your healing. So as you're yeah, so as you're kind of thinking and like taking notes and stuff like that, what just resonated with you there?

SPEAKER_00 5:40

On one hand, I did always know through the process of talking, it's okay other things come up. It's more the fact that now I'm feeling them sooner, I guess. Because I've always been really good at noticing the physical symptoms of my stress. I've always sort of known, okay, when I'm having this level of like stomach pain and going to the bathroom, there's something triggering. And again, talking out loud, you realize it's happening a little bit more often, actually, as I say it now. Because a couple of weeks ago, I said to you the same thing. I go, something's just not right. And this is before I had that flu. Just something was shifting, it felt gross. The not okay, the nauseousness is part of the stress, but that is a normal thing for me. When things are shifting, my body reacts. And so I think because it's been a hard week, a couple of things have happened the last few weeks that it just feels like a little bit of a mountain growing. And we're trying to chip away at it a little bit and and think about it and process it little by little. That now my body is trying to process it.

SPEAKER_01 6:49

Yeah. Yeah. And is that when when you think your body's trying to process it, or when it is processing, because we know that that absolutely happens, right? We we know through some of the the greats in the world, right? The body keeps score when the body says no, that our bodies literally do process our emotions, our feelings, all of that stuff going on. So what do you notice is different? Like, is there anything coming up that feels different? Uh, you mentioned you feel it like quicker now. Is it more intense? Like, what's happening?

SPEAKER_00 7:19

I I don't want to say it's more intense because this can happen at any given time when I'm dealing with like a lot of stuff, like the the stomach aches and the and the washing trips. But I think the level of agitation behind it is different, actually. Like, I know I have been super frustrated the last couple of weeks immensely, and I

Sister Text Sparks Gut Punch

SPEAKER_00 7:45

just really want to tell a couple of people where to go and how to get there.

SPEAKER_01 7:49

Yeah. So there's a lot of anger going on.

SPEAKER_00 7:51

Yeah, actually, yes, because I got a text from my sister this morning and I just wanted to slap her.

SPEAKER_01 7:57

Fair. Okay, let's let's let's hone in on that real quick. You want to slap her, you're angry, you're frustrated. Yeah. What do you feel right now in your body thinking about it?

SPEAKER_00 8:06

Uh, I want to throw up and my stomach is like being punched from the inside out.

SPEAKER_01 8:11

Yes. Oh, literally from the inside out being punched. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, let's sit with that for just a second. Do you want to explore this? Okay. Yes. Not to change it, not to shift it, not to judge it, but just to explore it. So you have a punching happening in your gut from the inside out. Correct. And you feel nauseous. Yes. Let's breathe into it a little bit. I want you to take your notes, and then I do want you to settle into your body.

SPEAKER_00 8:39

I just wrote down like breathe in.

SPEAKER_01 8:42

Yeah. But what I want you to do now, if you can, if I'm in a challenge, I want you to take your hands and put them on your belly. I want you to look inward. Like if you want to, you can even close your eyes.

SPEAKER_00 8:52

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 8:54

Look into your stomach where the punching is happening from the inside out. Tell me anything right now you're experiencing. That was kind of shifting up. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 9:06

Now it's like center chest. Yeah. So with that tiny bit of nauseousness that's like in my throat a little bit. And a little bit in my center chest. Yeah, it's kind of moving into my center chest and now it's just sitting there.

SPEAKER_01 9:21

Okay, beautiful. When you say it's moving, does it have a shape, a color?

SPEAKER_00 9:29

Nope. I can just feel that because I'm when I touch my stomach, it's almost like I'm pushing in. Like you know, when you got a stomach ache and you push on the stomach to ease the pain a little. That's what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_01 9:39

When you and then when you push it in, it kind of moves up a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 9:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:43

Okay. So let's just it sits here. Right there in your kind of chest area, like your stomach. In my chest, yes. Yeah, yeah. That kind of yes. So let's let's look into that space. Breathe into it a couple times. Let's take a nice big deep breath in. And then out. Let's do that

Following Sensation Into The Chest

SPEAKER_01 10:05

again. And this time I want you to direct your airflow into your chest area. And then out. Can you identify what's inside of your chest? Is it a shape?

SPEAKER_00 10:25

It's that rock feeling that I get sometimes.

SPEAKER_01 10:30

Yeah, that cement brick thing that we have again. Yeah. Hello, old friend. How are you? Beautiful. Okay. Let's let's look at that cement. This is beautiful. It's actually so good to see and feel a familiar somatic feeling.

SPEAKER_00 10:45

It's your sound. Although it's more rounded this time than a wall.

SPEAKER_01 10:48

Oh, I like that. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

Yes, I can picture more of a rock.

SPEAKER_01 10:52

More of a rock. And is it like a perfect round rock or is it more of a random rock you might find somewhere else? Oh, yes. Like it's it's got its like edges and edges.

SPEAKER_00 11:02

That's the word I'm looking for. Yeah. It was like I was gonna say peaks, but yeah, edges.

SPEAKER_01 11:06

Peaks and edges. It's it's not like a perfect, it's not it's not like a bowling ball or something, you know. It's no, no, it's just a rock, like a natural rock. That's right. Yeah. What color is it? It's gray. Yeah. It's a rock. A nice gray rock, and it's right there. And it was kind of moving a little bit. Now, is it heavy? Is it hard? Tell me more about it. It's hard.

unknown 11:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:37

Yeah, like a rock would be. Yeah, it's yeah, it's exactly like a rock. Is it cold to touch? I can't feel it. Okay. I can't feel like what it would feel like. Okay, perfect.

SPEAKER_01 11:52

So we have a hard rock in your chest. That's gray. And is it a rock that you like being there or do you not like it there? No, I don't like it there.

SPEAKER_00 12:05

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 12:07

Alright, let's go ahead and do another deep breath into the rock. If you can think about like having the airflow around it. See if we can find some stillness. And it's okay if not. If you need to move, you gotta move. That's fine.

SPEAKER_00 12:26

Tell me about that movement. It's pushing its way. It's pushing its way like almost like towards my heart area. It's very strong on the left side.

SPEAKER_01 12:42

Over on the left side now.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 12:44

Okay. Does it want to move? Can we check in with the rock? Does it have anything it wants to say?

SPEAKER_00 12:54

Not feeling not sensing any words. I could just tell that it's trying to move. Which is very interesting.

SPEAKER_01 13:03

Yeah, that is interesting. Tell me more. It's never done that before. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:08

It's I've I don't think in any times we've ever done these, it's ever moved.

SPEAKER_01 13:14

When you

The Rock Moves And Hides

SPEAKER_01 13:15

sense it moving in your body, do you sense a positive or negative feeling? Kind of confused. Beautiful. Okay. So we have a confusion going on with your rock that's moving around. And we don't want that rock to be there. But it's moving. And you're sensing that. And that's beautiful. So right now when you're thinking about your sister and the anger and the frustration and the feeling of wanting to just slap her. And you're bringing that back up in your body again and you're letting it come up. Does the rock do anything? No, it hides. But the rock is hiding. Yeah. So when you think about your frustration and your anger, the rock starts to hide. What is it hiding from?

SPEAKER_00 14:09

Because part of it doesn't want to deal with it.

SPEAKER_01 14:13

Yeah. It doesn't want to deal with it. Doesn't want to deal with what? The fakeness of it all. Yeah. And that faken that just popped up and made your face kind of go, ugh, that fakeness. Is that feeling anywhere in your body? My stomach. Okay. Check in with your stomach, see if there's any sensations or shapes or colors coming up there. It's fakeness. You don't want to be fake.

SPEAKER_00 14:44

It's shifted into my lower abdomen. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

That fakeness has.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:51

Like how make you feel when you have to be fake.

SPEAKER_00 14:54

It depends on the circumstances of being fake. Like if it's just being like silly, that's fine. But in this situation, it's like a bad. I was gonna say, like, but it's not me being fake, it's her fakeness that's making me upset.

SPEAKER_01 15:08

Oh, okay. So her inauthenticity is frustrating. That's the word. Yes. Frustrating you and making the stomach. Yes. Yes. But what's what's interesting is her authentic inauthenticity is making your rock hide. This rock that dictates a lot of your feelings and emotions isn't stuck in your chest anymore. It's actually wanting to hide from this inauthentic space. And that part's interesting to me because it's making me feel like something's coming up for me in terms of is that rock something that is maybe more beneficial for you than we expected? Oftentimes in a somatic process, we're learning to release some of these hard feelings, like a big rock in our chest or a big cement block or something. But in this moment it went away. What if we need it back? What if it's the very thing that teaches you and shows you what's important to you? Does that resonate at all

Spasm, Pendulation, And Self-Soothing

SPEAKER_01 16:10

when I say that or no?

SPEAKER_00 16:12

Then it went to my lower left side when you said that. The rock did? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, unless you're going to be able to do.

SPEAKER_01 16:20

Oh no, like an actual physical spasm? Yes. Oh, okay. Let's breathe into that. I don't want let's let's let's pendulate. Let's not push too hard. That's beautiful. Thank you for telling me that.

SPEAKER_00 16:30

Oh wow, Fatty.

SPEAKER_01 16:35

I want the spasm to settle before we spoof the rock again. Can you tell me what you're feeling in as much of a neutral term as possible? It's very difficult to do this, I understand, but the spasm that you're feeling on the side, is it clenching or sharp? Is it like moving? Is it literally like like contractions?

SPEAKER_00 17:10

Uh yes, it was. Then it moved back to my stomach and now it went further left again. Okay. But now I'm feeling like it's a mix of that pain and then just my hip and knee pain that I'm having. So I feel like it's a combination now.

SPEAKER_01 17:27

And the hip and knee pain, again, can you give me what it feels like? Like, how do you know it's pain?

SPEAKER_00 17:36

It's it's the arthritis pain.

SPEAKER_01 17:38

What does arthritis pain feel like? Ache, I don't know if achy's a word or tender, like a mix. No, that's pretty beautiful. So, what I'm doing here with you is getting us to just identify the feelings in our body. And I see you putting a heating pad on. That's beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. See, your body naturally knew it needed something.

SPEAKER_00 18:01

Yes. That's an exercise which I haven't done for a while, which is aggravating it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:07

Yeah. And that that right there is like you kind of checked in. So here's how this worked. You're you checked in with your body naturally, sub on a subconscious level. We talk about this all the time. Our subconscious is responsible for 95% of everything that we think, we do, we say, we act, all of that stuff. Did you consciously and and very intentionally grab your heating pad, or did you kind of just naturally go for it because you knew your knee was hurting?

SPEAKER_00 18:32

Oh, I I have a heating pad on my bed and on my couch. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 18:36

I gravitate the it's it's your it's your habit. It's what your body is used to to protect the parts of yourself. Do you see that?

SPEAKER_00 18:44

Yeah, whether it's my lower back or my knee.

SPEAKER_01 18:47

And so subconsciously, you just went and you reached for it because you checked in with your body and you said, this and this happens in an instant. So I can walk you through it. It'll sound it'll take like 30 seconds for me to talk through this real quick. But your body did this in a millisecond, which was you checked in with a part of your body, your knee, and you said, What do I need right now? And then your body said heat. So you went and you grabbed the heating pad and you put it on your knee. This is what I want us to be doing, but for all the parts of your body. And these are the times where sometimes we don't do it naturally, we slow down. So that's why I wanted to check in with your rock and see what does he need right now, or what does she need? It needs, they need. Does it have a name? Does it have a gender to you at all? Sometimes the parts of my body have genders, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they have names.

SPEAKER_00 19:35

Nope. Nope. No gender, no names. It's just the rock. It's just uh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:42

The rock. It's like Dwayne the Rock Johnson. We can call him Dwayne. How's Dwayne doing today?

SPEAKER_00 19:51

Nah, that's funny.

SPEAKER_01 19:52

Okay, well, I just want to. If he pops up again, or I don't know why I keep calling, I'm sorry, I'm gendering your. I need to stop that. No, that's I don't know why I have an assumption. If you're I mean, it's like everybody says my dog is a she. I just, you know what, you just roll with it sometimes. Fair, fair. So you're so this rock, if if it does pop up again as we're talking about other stuff, let me know. But what I want us to kind of take away from this experience is this is a somatic experience that we can be doing when we're feeling stressed out. So you haven't been feeling well lately, and I know you have a lot of stress going on with like family stuff and work stuff and everything going on. When this is happening, I want us to take a moment to do that grounding exercise. I think you asked me earlier about like how I meditate, like whether I do it in the mornings or something like that, right? Was that a question?

SPEAKER_00 20:38

Because you, yeah, sort of, because I thought you said last night um that you do it in the mornings or like before you get out of bed. And my life is I can't, but I thought that was super interesting. Like how one person had said recently that when she gets her cup of coffee, she sits and reads your book.

Building A Simple Morning Practice

SPEAKER_01 20:55

Oh, yeah, that was so sweet. Yeah. And then she just takes that as like her morning routine. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:59

And so it got me thinking, actually, as we're talking about this, it gets me thinking that when I take the dog outside for a quick pee in the morning, like somebody once said to me that the first thing she does every morning is go outside and breathe in fresh air, no matter how cold it is. So now that I and I've always thought about that, but now talking out loud with you and talking about like even little meditations, like what a nice thing to do when I'm standing outside with the dog.

SPEAKER_01 21:25

Oh, absolutely. Let's actually talk about this because we are actually going into module five next week for the program. And in that, we start really hashing out somatic affirmations, right? And so somatic affirmations are quite literally the single most biggest thing that will change your life. Like it just will. Like, this is the thing that I, if I could just like download into people's brains, I would. It is the thing that changed my life. I see it

Somatic Affirmations And Brain Rewiring

SPEAKER_01 21:55

all the time. Um, and these are unique in that. They take the I am statements and then they get you to feel it. Um, some people call them activations, some people call them meditations, some people call them just regular affirmations. And again, you know me, I don't give a shit what you call things.

unknown 22:17

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 22:18

Whatever you want to do. No, I like that. Yeah. I just want us to do it, right? I just want us to be it. I want us to embody this feeling. And so what I call somatic affirmations, I think sometimes I also call them somatic repetitions, is just this triangle system, this three-part system of having that I am statement with the evidence, and then the alpha theta brainwave state. And that alpha theta brainwave state, which is the time that our brain is most malleable. So we talk about this a lot in terms of how do we rewire our brains? Like, how does neuroplasticity actually work? We hear about this like weird ass word sometimes, neuroplasticity, right? It's hard to say. Like, what does it even mean? And it's just this that your neurons they fire and they wire together. So for so long, your body and your brain have been wired in a way in which you're scared, right? You grew up in a home that didn't teach you safety. You grew up in a home that blamed you and made you feel misunderstood and made you uh feel ways in which you were not safe and happy and secure. And what we're going to do is rewire your brain so you do feel safe, seen, and secure within yourself first, and then ultimately within other relationships. And so through that process, what we're doing is literally laying down new fields. And I explained this, I think, in the program like a cornfield. And so I'll just, I'll just run it out again just to like kind of write repetition, repetition, repetition. Even if we've heard this like 30,000 times, it doesn't matter. It like it still clicks something inside of us. Even when I, even when I teach on it, it still like gets me all excited, you know, like, oh, I remember it again. So our neuropathways are like like literal pathways. So I consider them like cornfields because I'm from Ohio and we had cornfields growing up. So that's what it is. Uh but like when I say cornfield to you, does that make sense? Like, can you picture a cornfield? Oh, absolutely. Great, okay, perfect. Yeah. So in a cornfield, in order to move around in the cornfield, the farmers they make they make pathways.

Cornfield Pathways And Old Beliefs

SPEAKER_01 24:20

Like they literally push down the corn in order to get to other places. And so if for the longest time, for decades and decades and decades, you had a pathway to go to a store on the other side, then in that store, that that's the pathway that you're gonna go. This is your neuron firing and wiring together and creating this pathway, which means you're stressed out, your stomach hurts, or somebody upsets you or isn't authentic, and you feel pain in your stomach, or you get upset, or you shut down, or you get angry, or you yell at someone, right? Do you see all these actions stem back from the belief of someone else? And so this is the pathway that it's happening. What we need to do is create a new pathway because this store that we've been going to for the last like, I don't know, however many years, like it's not filled with healthy stuff anymore. It served us for a purpose. We needed it back then. You know, I I often say, like, you know, it has Diet Coke and Twinkies and uh lean cuisines and like fat-free things that we all did in the 90s that we know aren't healthy for us anymore. Listen, I'm still gonna enjoy a good laugh.

SPEAKER_00 25:28

No, I and I was gonna say, you gave me a flashback to like when, you know, like 7-Eleven at all those stores, like the candy aisle, especially the bulk aisle. Yes, it's massive.

SPEAKER_01 25:38

All those like Do you remember back in the day when they used to call Snickers like like a protein bar, like like a meal replacement bar? Snickers. A Snickers is a freaking candy bar. Used to be considered a meal replacement bar.

SPEAKER_00 25:49

They still do that because the commercials are like you're grumpy, blah, blah, blah. They're like, drop a Snickers.

SPEAKER_01 25:55

Drop a Snickers. Right. That's not if we know now, hopefully, it's not healthy. Like, right? It's not really filled with protein. It's filled with sugar. It's bad for you. But if you had nothing else to eat, if that was the only thing you could consume, yes, eat the Snickers bar. But we have new stuff now. We have, you know, organic meat and vegetables and fruit and grains and potatoes and things that nourish our soul and our body. And that's the store we want to go to. We want to go to that organic store over there, but we don't know how to get there yet. So we have to go create a new pathway. So that's what we talk about in this, in terms of this pathway over here to the store with the diet coke and the Snickers bars. This is that belief that says, I am misunderstood, I am annoying, I am too much. No one will ever love me. I'm unlovable. Those attachment wounds, that's the pathway that's been laid down in our brain for so long because in early childhood, that's what got taught to us. So it's not your fault that today you want to push people away, or get angry when they're mad, or I mean, get angry when they say something to upset you, or lash back out when you're feeling misunderstood. All of that makes sense. Just like it makes sense to eat a Snickers bar when you're hungry. But what if you have a new opportunity now? That's what we're doing. That's what sabbatic affirmations do. They teach you, hey, listen, you do, you are understood. Maybe not where you think you are and all these other places, but essentially in your body, you are because you understand yourself. And we're gonna go walk over to this new pathway. And the first time you do it, you're not gonna, you're not gonna know where you're going, and you might even get lost. You might start walking to the organic store and accidentally get sidetracked and go somewhere else. So just as we're starting the somatic affirmations, and I'm asking you to like think in the morning when you're first waking up in the morning, I am I am understood because, right? This is the work we do. I am understood because. And then we find the evidence of where somebody understood you. Like, I am understood because even when you know I'm crashing out, Jen will still be there for me. Or I am understood because I can come into group on a Tuesday and cry, and people will hold for me, like hold space for me. And in the beginning, your body's gonna say, Yeah, but yeah, but my sister doesn't understand me. Yeah, but my mom doesn't, yeah, but my company doesn't, yeah, but my friends don't. And that's not wrong. But we don't need to worry about them. That's the old store. We're gonna create a new pathway so no matter what it is that they do and say, you are gonna be okay because you know the store you can go to. So someone can stand here and literally call you an orange bush and you're gonna be like, what the fuck? No, not weirdo, right? If somebody says to you, if somebody says to you, hey, you know, like you, you're a pencil. Like your pencil, you'd be like, You're weird.

unknown 29:03

Right?

SPEAKER_01 29:04

I love that you have a real pencil. I do. That's why it made me think of it. Sometimes I say pink highlighter, but I can't find my pink highlighter. But it's 2025 and you have a real a real life pencil.

SPEAKER_00 29:15

Like a real school pencil.

SPEAKER_01 29:17

I really this is what happens when you have a teenager and who needs for high school. That is fair. So and he leaves it, he steals my pens and then he takes my pencils. But I decided. Okay, hold on.

SPEAKER_00 29:26

Yes, that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 29:27

So it's still fun. In this moment, if you're being misunderstood and someone's saying something bad about you, right? Like you're a terrible person, or you're, you know, a problem, or you're gonna cause an issue, or you're a danger to our society. In those moments, if you know you're not a danger, if you know you're not a problem, and you know that you are who you are and you did everything right, then when they say something like that, it will sound as dumb as if they called you a pencil. So if you are, you know, reading a text from someone or notes or minutes or anything, and you see something in there, and in that it said something like, you know what, Cordelia, she's a real pencil. Like that's where I want to get our brain to to get to the level of understanding of what someone else says about us, it just doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_00 30:24

Okay, that actually that that gave me a word because we've had this in basic sentence conversation, you and your orange bush, which I think I should just make you a picture of Jen in an orange bush.

SPEAKER_01 30:37

Listen, it's not mine, it's Gabor Mate's, just to be very clear. But yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:41

Well, but you say it enough times. I do. I think we need we need like we can do shots for Jen and her orange bush.

SPEAKER_01 30:47

Anytime I say orange bush or uh uh somatics. But you gotta be trapped.

SPEAKER_00 30:53

When we talked about like last week, and I was really triggered last week, that's the word trigger. Yeah. So yeah, because we keep talking about how like I react,

Triggers And The Response Equation

SPEAKER_00 31:05

I get frustrated, and you're like, you're you just said something about when somebody misunderstands you and they say you're in danger or you're a problem, your reaction's gonna be like, yeah, okay, so fuck off, whatever. But it's the trigger.

SPEAKER_01 31:18

It's the trigger, exactly. The way actually That's my word. Yeah, and you know what? The way um I think it's even Gabor who's explained it like this like, think about a trigger. A trigger on a gun, like if we're just to talk about it, it's the little like bit of the gun. And so like it has to be pulled.

unknown 31:36

Right.

SPEAKER_01 31:36

So what I think the way he explains it is like inside, like, we're the mechanism. Like we are, we are like the gun, and then they pull the trigger. But if we didn't have the gun in the first place, there would be no trigger. Yeah. And that's actually empowering because it showcases to us how much power we actually have in our ability to change the situation. There's this really, really cool concept out there of um it's um the situation plus our response equals the outcome. So, no, is there some stuff we can like can we can we control everything? Absolutely not. We cannot control the event or the situation, right? We cannot control what someone else says, can we? That's just not possible. But we can control the outcome. And why can we control the outcome? Because we can control our response. So the situation plus the response equals the outcome. So when I tell us, like especially in group them, we do have control over the outcome, that's what I mean. Not over them, not over the event, not over changing them. So many times in our lives, we try to change the situation. We try to change the event, we try to change the person so we can change the outcome. Instead, we're gonna rewire our brain to get to a place where we are controlling our response so we can influence the outcome. How's that landing when I say that?

SPEAKER_00 33:16

We should be. Um there's construction going on, so my I'm listening to the drilling at the same time. It's messing my thoughts. Um I feel like we want to change others as a way of trying to fix the problem is technically what's happening.

SPEAKER_01 33:44

Yes. Because in the equation, we have the situation or like the person, and we have us, and then we have the outcome. And somewhere along the line, something got disconnected, and we think if we change the situation or the person, we can control the outcome. And I mean, I guess technically we could, but then we live our lives for so long trying to fix them when really we're the people to be fixed. And not like we're broken, but what I mean is we control ourselves. And how do we control ourselves? We rewire our brain to see the situation and not take it personal. So that's what I want us to work on

Alpha Theta Timing And Snooze Method

SPEAKER_01 34:20

moving forward. We talked about the meditations in the morning. I thought I think that's what I was saying. My number one way that I do my somatic affirmations, because somatic affirmations are done during alpha theta brainwave states, which means when you're laying down at bed at night or when you first wake up in the morning and your brain is more malleable. This is that time our brains are in alpha theta brainwave state for the first seven years of our life. That's why we're the most absorbed. What's why we can learn new languages at that point in time. It's why research shows that we have we struggle to learn new languages when we get older in life because we don't, we no longer have this alpha theta brainwave state consistently happening. It only happens when we're in a deep meditative state. Like if you know how to get into I I honestly don't even know how to get into a deep meditative state. I'm my brain is way too eight ADHD to get into its own meditative state. I need first thing in the morning or when I'm laying down at bed at night. And so what I do is my allowance to myself is I'm allowed to hit the snooze button on my alarm if I do some somatic affirmations in those like eight minutes that my alarm is. And that's all it takes. It's all it takes. I mean, yeah, every once in a while do I just fall back asleep. Absolutely, because everybody is perfect. And then I'm like, oh no, I fell back asleep. Great, I'm gonna hit snooze and do it again. And then that means I start my morning with this beautiful feeling in my body of right now, right? I'm working on I am, I am a burden. We talked about this with the book launch coming out and having to ask people for all this stuff. This old wound that I had worked on and healed and created a new pathway for like years ago, reared its ugly little head on me. And I found myself fight like in these old like patterns and mechanisms. And I was like, Oh, hi. Again, like your cement block. Hi, old friend. And see how I greet it. I don't see it like that. Fuck you, what are you doing back here, you bitch?

SPEAKER_00 36:12

See, and that's what happened to me too. Because I was reaching out to people in the group when I could, or to a few people that I recognized to remind them about the book launch. Oh, yeah. And some people responded, some didn't. And yeah, there was that part of me for the ones that didn't respond. I felt like, am I annoying? Like, did I just exactly like you said? Yeah, yeah, exactly. So then I yeah, yeah. I need to work all the whole where you just said, hi, old friend. I went into the super insecure moment this morning. I'm like, oh my God, I hope these people don't think I'm super annoying that I message them.

SPEAKER_01 36:48

Yeah, and that right there, that's the pathway. That's you walking to the store to go get your diet cook. I hope these people don't think I'm annoying. I'm annoying. I am difficult. I am a burden. I am a problem. Do you hear all that? That's the old pathway. And then what ends up happening? We do these actions that cause us to either um overperform or overgive or people please or shut down or anything else, or we get resentful when this is happening. Instead, and that's what we can do, and we're doing this um next week in the program. But that's what we're gonna do is we're gonna look at what's our empowering belief. If we have our attachment wound, is I'm annoying, I'm difficult, I'm a problem. What's the empowering belief behind that? For me, it's you know what? I'm valued. I'm cherished. People cherish me. Am I also annoying? Hell yeah. That's fine though. Oh, yeah. That's right. I guess overall, like I'm valued. And that's what I do a lot. I say I'm valued. So in the morning I wake up and I'm like, okay, I'm valued. I like valued. Good. I'm glad that's resonant. That's that's the somatic signature. That's the hit. You just said the way you just said, mmm, I like I'm valued. Like your body hit there.

SPEAKER_00 38:00

Because when you say, like, come up with a word for opposite, I'd be like, I'm good enough, but that wouldn't feel right.

SPEAKER_01 38:08

Mm-hmm. And you want to kind of explore and see which one it is. So then what we're gonna do is find five pieces of evidence where you are valued. And then you're just gonna repeat those to yourself. And in fact, something you know what, Cordelia, maybe we should do this. Something I have always offered in the group, and weirdly, no one has ever taken me up on this. I record meditations for people all the time. I did not know that. I do how many times I thought about them? This is this is how I catch all of you. You guys are not watching my videos. This is how I catch you all because I say it in the Oh, yeah, probably.

SPEAKER_00 38:46

Do you know? I went into my email this morning, and how many speak honest emails were in my junk mail? I'm like, Oh, I heard it when that happens. How many times do I see not junk?

Evidence For I Am Valued

SPEAKER_00 38:55

Everybody.

SPEAKER_01 38:55

I know. I don't know why. All email hates me. I don't know. I don't know if it's like the speak honest thing, but everyone just every couple of weeks I keep saying not junk, not junk. So maybe we could try this together. If you can write me out five pieces of evidence, because it has to come from you. It has to be your evidence, it has to be something that feels right in your body. Yes. If I record it for you, then all you have to do is put it on when you go out in the morning with your dog.

SPEAKER_00 39:22

I love you.

SPEAKER_01 39:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:23

This is what it's about. See, now I don't hate you anymore.

SPEAKER_01 39:29

And I love this because let's it sometimes helps to hear. Now I did it for myself for a while. Like I I I never had anyone like record them for me. I recorded them for myself when I was doing this first healing in the beginning. Because I'm very audio, like I'm an audiophile type person.

SPEAKER_00 39:44

I'm both audio and visual, but I don't like my own voice. I think that's a good idea.

SPEAKER_01 39:47

That's that's fair. It well, and for me, learning to like my own voice was something I just wanted to overcome, but just because I wanted to start this podcast, right? And stuff like that. So like that's what I do for a living. So like for it was a it was also a just a different process. But for other people, I get it. You don't want to listen to your own voice, and sometimes doing that takes you out of the moment. But if you can hear a trusted voice, someone's voice you know and you trust, and someone who gives you a somatic feeling of feeling safe, seen, and secure, which I would hope is me, then what we do is I say to you, you know, you are valued because today in group you are open and really vulnerable. And because of that, a lot of other women healed. Right. We were just talking about that earlier. The the moment in group when you were you just shared that you didn't get something, you know, and it that was really vulnerable. It really truly was. A lot of people don't want to be perceived as someone that doesn't know what they're doing. But your vulnerability allowed other women to heal through your questions. This right here, you're valued because you're offering and opening up parts of yourself to be portrayed on a podcast, to be coached on here so other women can heal through your story. That's how you're valued. You're valued with your friends who call you to tell you about their problems and they want your help. And we're gonna keep digging and we're just gonna find five pieces. And then next week we'll find five more. And then the next week after that, five more. And that's the goal until eventually over time the cornfield stays down. And the next thing you know, the cornfield path is so worn that you've got like little fruit stands popping up on the sides of it, and it is such a pathway that you can't even see the cornfield anymore, it's just a path. You know? That's the goal. So is this a good place for us to wrap up today? Absolutely beautiful. I've been a little bit over, but this was beautiful. I thought this was a great, great

Closing Takeaway And Listener Practice

SPEAKER_01 41:55

conversation.

SPEAKER_00 41:56

Yes. Okay, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 41:58

Great. Thank you so so much for today. Is there any what is one takeaway that you have from this this week that you're gonna be doing?

SPEAKER_00 42:06

Working on honestly, even if it's just one, finding like like words that maybe I feel about myself, like that annoying those things, and finding a word that feels good of the opposite side.

SPEAKER_01 42:27

I love that. I can't wait. Oh, that's beautiful. All right, Cordelia, thank you so much, and I'll speak with you next time, okay?

SPEAKER_00 42:34

Absolutely look forward to it. Take care. Thank you.

Coach Reflection And Final CTA

SPEAKER_01 42:41

Okay, so if you have been following along with Cordelia across these six sessions, I hope today's conversation showed you what this work really looks like when someone keeps showing up for it. And what I love most about today is that she came in on a hard week, feeling blah, frustrated, and a little ready to slap someone, honestly, and yet she still did the work. She still went inward. She still let that rock show up. And that is what healing actually looks like. Because some weeks you come in with a breakthrough, and some weeks you come in on a hard week feeling blah and frustrated, and you just do the best you can with where you are that day. For those of you listening who are coaches or who even just paying attention to how the conversation unfolded, you might have noticed a few moments where I slowed things down and asked Cordelia to put her hands on her belly and actually breathe into what she was feeling. That was intentional because she came in with a lot of words and a lot of frustration, and sometimes the most important thing you can do as a coach is stop the talking and get someone back into their body. You might have also noticed that when the rock started moving and her body had a spasm, I didn't push forward. I pendulated, I backed off. And then let her settle before we went any deeper. Because the goal isn't to get to the breakthrough faster. It's to help someone stay with themselves long enough to actually understand what's coming up. And sometimes that means slowing way down right when things are getting interesting. What I want you all to take away from this session is that your emotions are not the enemy. That anger that Cordelia was carrying around, that frustration, the nausea, that rock in her chest, that was just information. It was her body saying something matters here. Pay attention to me. And the anger wasn't the problem. It was the signal. When we learn to get curious about it instead of judging it or pushing through it, that's when things start to shift. That's where the real change happens. Not when we white knuckle it or try to get through it without feeling, but when we actually stop and ask, okay, what is this trying to tell me? And if you're listening and you're thinking, I know my pattern to Jen, I can see them, but I still can't seem to stop them. That's exactly where this work lives. And that's exactly what we do inside of the Speak Honest Academy. Real-time coaching, live support, a space where you can actually practice this stuff alongside other women who get it. It's not about learning more, it's about doing it in real time with support. Now you can find us at SpeakHonestacademy.com or scroll on down to the show notes and click on the link there. Your takeaway for this week is simple. The next time you feel something uncomfortable in your body, a tightness, a knot, a rock, that punching feeling from the inside out, I want you to just pause. Put your hand on it, if you can, and then ask it this one question. What are you trying to tell me? That's it. You don't have to fix it. You don't even have to figure it out. Just ask. Because remember, you are not behind, you are not broken, you are just learning a new language, and you're doing it. Alright, ladies, I'll speak with you all next week. Take care. As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. And it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there. And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.